Memories

By: Lara

1997

“Hey, wow, I’m so glad you could make it!” Howie kissed my cheek as I handed him the bottle of wine. “I didn’t think you would get here!”

“Work was hell but for you’d I’d cross the devil himself.” I hugged Howie hard and kissed his cheek. “How are you, best friend of mine?”

“Good…busy…this music thing is crazy! We’re really gonna hit it big here, you watch,” he said, his brown eyes sparkling cheerfully. “Let me introduce you to the important people.”

He took my hand and led me through the crowd. The tiny house he was renting was packed with people. This party was to celebrate the first American tour for the music group he was a part of, named The Backstreet Boys. Four young men were standing and talking in the corner. “I think you’ve met everyone, right? This is my best friend, as you rascals know…this is AJ, Brian, Kevin and Nick.”

I looked from one to the other. Seventeen-year-old Nick gave me a shy grin. Kevin was around my age and he gave me a warm smile. Brian, Kevin’s cousin, gave me a, “Hey, how ya doin?”

AJ McLean looked at me and grinned. I couldn’t help but blush. I said hi, then told Howie I needed something to drink. He immediately took my hand and led me to the makeshift bar. I shivered as I thought of Alexander McLean. The first night I had met him, three weeks earlier, he had cornered me in the bathroom of Howie’s house and we had had hard quick sex on the floor. Protected sex, thank goodness, but still not something I normally did. I never did someone so quick…not even when I was incredibly lonely, as I was then. I knew the names and addresses of everyone I had ever had sex with. Anal retentive, I know, but I wasn’t about to just fuck and go. I needed vitals. Still, as I looked back at AJ, I couldn’t help but smile. At eighteen that boy knew about how to please women then any mature man I had ever met.

“Hey.” I felt a hand on my elbow and turned.

“Gary. Hi.” I hugged a friend of Howie’s that I had dated for a while. “How are you? This is a surprise. How’s Deana and the baby?”

“I was in town for business. The family is wonderful. How are you?”

We made idle chitchat until Howie brought me my drink. “Hey, Gary. C’mon. I have a few other people from the office that I want you to meet.” Howie wove me through the group, throwing so many names in my face that I soon became dizzy. He kept introducing me as “his other half” or “the one that got away.” I finally dragged him into a corner and smacked him.

“Howie, stop it! We dated for what, six hours when we were thirteen? People will think…”

“People will think I’m an idiot for letting someone as wonderful as you go,” he interrupted, kissing my cheek. “I’m just playing with you. Hey, I gotta talk to someone. You okay alone?”

“Yes, Dad,” I said, sighing. He grinned his sweet grin and went to mingle. I saw AJ across the room. He toasted me with his beer and I sighed. The whole idea of underage drinking was totally foreign to AJ. Any age was the right age to drink, according to him. He tapped someone on the shoulder and the man turned around. My heart stopped. This was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.

The man and AJ approached me and my heart still refused to beat. He had broad shoulders, jet black hair and aquamarine eyes. Oh God. Black hair and blue eyes. My dream combination. His smile revealed icy white teeth. “See? This is her…the sweetheart I was telling you about. This is a good friend of mine, John.”

She can account for all the men in her life/Where they are now, who they married, how many kids they have/She knew their backgrounds, family and friends/A few she even talks to now and then/But there is one she can’t put her finger on/There is one who never leaves her thoughts…

And she thinks his name was John…

John took my hand and gently shook it but I hardly noticed. I was mesmerized by that smile. His hand was soft, yet the fingers were callused. “John’s a guitarist,” AJ said. “We’ve met out on the road a few times.”

“Hello, John,” I finally managed. He chuckled. Obviously he was used to getting this reaction.

“Hi, there. Aje has told me a lot about you.”

I blushed a furious red, snapped out of my trance. “Oh, REALLLY?”

It was AJ’s turn to chuckle. “Nothing important. Just how sweet and cute you are.”

“And he was very accurate,” John said softly. I blushed for a different reason.

“Well, I see a hottie over there that needs my attention. I’ll catch you two later.” AJ sailed across the room, a knowing smirk on his face.

“Do you need a drink or anything?” John asked. I shook my head and held up my glass, still three-quarters full. “What is that?”

I told him what I was drinking. “I brought Howie a bottle of wine but I don’t really drink it.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t like it. Too sour.” I wrinkled my nose.

“How adorable.” The words seemed to slip out unintentionally and I blushed yet again. “Even more adorable when you blush.” Those aqua eyes ran over me. “Seriously, though, you just haven’t been drinking the right kind. My brother runs a vineyard, and let me tell you…his wine is sweet and fruity…doesn’t even TASTE like wine.”

“Wine that doesn’t taste like wine…my kinda wine,” I told him, and he laughed. I noticed Howie looking over at us. He frowned and I could tell he was trying to place John. He saw my smile and shrugged, going back to his conversation.

John and I sat on a sofa and talked over an hour, almost totally ignoring everyone else at the party. Howie and AJ approached us once or twice, but we were wrapped in each other. John was easy to talk to. I told him about my work as a designer, creating store windows for the department stores in town, and he talked about the different bands he played with. We were both shocked when people started to leave the party.

“God, it’s late,” I said, checking my watch. I was amazed at the time, as well as how many times John had filled my glass.

“Where do you live?” He asked. I told him. “Did you drive?”

“No, I took a taxi,” I said.

“I live about four blocks away. Think you could make it there? I want to give you a bottle of my brother’s excellent non-wine.”

I looked at him carefully. “John, I don’t know. I…”

“C’mon. You can grab a taxi right out front. In and out in five minutes.” His smile was so charming I could not resist, even though I knew he would try to make it longer than five minutes. His eyes had spent most of the conversation running up my legs and down into my blouse.

“Okay. Let me say goodbye to Howie.” I walked over to Howie a bit unsteadily.

“Girl, it’s good you didn’t drive. You gonna crash here?” Howie was amused at my intoxicated state. I didn’t drink often.

“No. I’m going to John’s.”

Howie’s eyebrows raised. “John’s? Who is John?”

“The man I was talking to. He knows AJ.”

“Ah.” Howie kissed my cheek. “Be careful. I worry. Call if you need anything.”

“I will,” I promised. “I’ll call tomorrow.”

John and I chatted as we walked the few short blocks to the apartment building where he lived. He held the door as we entered the building. How nice to be with a gentleman. His apartment was sparsely furnished but tasteful. I was impressed. I recognized some of the art on the wall, and was admiring it when he handed me a glass. “Here. You MUST try this.”

“John, I need to go. It’s late and…”

“One glass. I need to prove my point.” There was that smile again. I sighed and took the glass. I made a face as I took a sip…and was pleasantly surprised.

“Yum. This tastes like juice.”

“Exactly.” John took a full bottle from the wine rack by the door and sat in on the floor. “Take this one with you. We’ll finish the one.” He waved the bottle he had poured from in the air.

“John…” I protested weakly, though I didn’t want to leave. I gulped down more of the wine.

“Relax,” he whispered, his strong hands massaging my neck. I almost dropped the wineglass as I moaned. I blushed at the sound that had escaped my mouth. He smiled, taking the glass and setting it on a table. “I hope you make that sound again tonight because of me,” he murmured in my ear. I sighed. Except for that fling with AJ, it had been so long.

Clothes soon made a trail into his bedroom, where the only piece of furniture was a king-sized bed. He made me moan often that night, and the only word I seemed to know was his name. He made me cum again and again, and it was hours before he actually even moved inside of me. A voice in the back of my head told me this was wrong. I was on the Pill, but he wasn’t using protection. I tried to protest, but he silenced my voice with sweet kisses, and before I knew it, he was on his back beside me, pulling me onto his chest.

John soon fell asleep, but I couldn’t. I snuck from his embrace, pulled on my clothes, and called a taxi. I sat in the back seat of the taxi as the sun came up, weeping unashamedly at what I had done. This wasn’t me.

A chance meeting, a party a few years back/Broad shoulders and blue eyes his hair was so black/He was a friend of a friend you could say/She let his smile just sweep her away/And in her heart she knew that it was wrong but too much wine and she left his bed at dawn…

And she thinks his name was John…

December, 1999

I slowly walked through the large arena, hardly able to breathe. This place was huge, and in a few short hours it would be filled with screaming fans. I saw the band onstage, and I carefully searched for Howie as I walked through the empty rows of chairs. I still couldn’t believe Howie and Alex and all the others had made it this big. It was incredible. The Backstreet Boys were in the middle of their Millennium tour, and they were the hottest thing in pop music. I had grown to know all of them fairly well, though Howie was still my best friend. AJ, or Alex, as he let me call him, emailed me often, and we had become very close. I saw no sign of them as I made my way to the stage. A backstage security pass was prominently displayed on a lanyard around my neck. They had finally made it back to Orlando for a show and Howie and AJ had forced me to come to watch the sound check.

“Oh, look, there’s a girl!” I heard a voice say. I whirled around. It sounded like it was coming from the speakers, but no one was at the microphones on the stage.

“That’s no girl, that’s a WOMAN!” I recognized Howie’s voice.

“And what a woman, let me tell YOU!” Alex cackled. I sighed. By this time everyone had heard about our bathroom fling, and they teased us like crazy.

“I want her.” I heard Kevin’s low voice and I giggled. I was still a bit in awe of him and it always embarrassed me slightly when he teased her.

“No, she’s MINE!” Nick zoomed down out of nowhere and grabbed for my ponytail. I screamed and jumped a mile. I looked up at the ceiling, where the five Backstreet Boys were flying around on what looked like snowboards.

“What the hell?” I shouted, loving the entire idea.

“You should try this. Too cool,” Howie called down to me. I shook my head.

“No, thank you. Better view from the ground,” I said, grinning as Nick flew over my head in baggy shorts that I could see up into. He blushed a furious red and shouted for the crew to move him to the stage. The guys slowly made their way down and by the time I reached the stage I was covered in Backstreet hugs.

“Missed you TOO much,” Howie said. “I want you to come on tour with us. Just drop everything and come along.”

“Yeah, that will happen,” I said. “Too much work.” To tell the truth, I had cut back on work, but I was NOT about to drop my life and tour with the Backstreet Boys.

“You sound funny,” AJ observed. I froze. “And you’re pale. Are you sick?”

“Well, I’ve been fighting a cold.”

“Oh, fuck.” AJ stepped back, glaring at me. I couldn’t help but giggle. Alex had this thing about mucous and blowing of noses.

“I promise not to get any wet substance on you anywhere, Alex,” I said, giggling harder. The giggle turned into a cough so rough that they stared at me.

“You okay?” Howie put an arm around me.

“Fine,” I said tiredly. “I can’t fight this damn cold. It’s been after me off and on for months now.”

“Doctor,” Howie snapped.

“Yes, Dad. I have an appointment tomorrow.”

“Good.” He took my hand and dragged me up on stage. He deposited me in the corner. “Sit here and listen. We’re good.”

“Ego much?” I said with a grin, but he was right. They were good. Damn good. I was proud.

“Dinner backstage,” Nick told me regretfully. “Sorry…just a buffet.”

“I missed you guys. A buffet is fine,” I assured him. “I just want to spend some time with you.”

“Your chariot awaits, milady,” Alex said, taking my arm and leading me to a golf cart. He climbed behind the wheel. I looked at the others fearfully.

“Is this safe?”

“Of course not!” They shouted together as Alex zoomed off and I screamed.

“You sure you’re okay?” Alex said as soon as we were out of earshot.

“If I survive this ride, yes, I’m fine,” I told him, giggling as he swerved to avoid a crewmember.

“You look like shit, honey, and you know I say that in the kindest way possible.”

I playfully glared at him. “Thanks, Alex. Seriously, though, I can’t kick this cold. Sometimes it varies into the flu, but mostly I just cough a lot and have a hard time breathing. I’m tired most of the time, too. For all I know I’m hypoglycemic. No big deal, I promise. I really do have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Alex glanced at me and then did a double take. “Is that a hickey?”

“A WHAT?” I shouted at him. I hadn’t been on a simple date in over seven months. A hickey was out of the question.

“That bruise on your neck. It’s a hickey!” Alex shouted with glee. “You’ve got a hickey…you’ve got a hickey…” he sang. The arena echoed with his song.

“Fuck off, Alex,” I said affectionately, hoping he would drop the subject. I hopped off the cart as soon as he slowed down and ran into the closest dressing room, looking for a mirror. Sure enough, there was a quarter-sized bruise on my neck. “Oh, God, Alex…I burned myself with a curling iron. Relax.”

“Hickey hickey hickey,” he hissed in my ear, cackling again as the others filed in. “She’s got a hickey!” He announced.

“You are so childish, Aje,” Brian drawled.

“Childish and jealous, maybe?” Howie said with a small smile. He had never really accepted the whole sex in the bathroom thing. He was so protective of me. Always had been.

“Well, it wasn’t me, that’s all I know,” Alex said. “And I think it’s sexy.”

“Thank you so much,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I need something to drink. Do we have tea?”

“Hell, yes!” Howie said, leading me to his own personal tea stash. The conversation quickly moved away from my neck to other things, for which I was infinitely grateful.

The concert was amazing. The guys left for Tampa after the show, and Howie still tried begging me to come along. I refused. I was tired and needed to go to bed. My doctor’s appointment was early the next morning and I needed sleep. I just KNEW the doctor was going to tell me I was suffering from exhaustion. What few jobs I WAS taking were totally mindwracking and took everything I had to complete.

“Okay, you can go ahead and get dressed,” the doctor said with a smile. I gratefully slipped out of the examination gown and back into my shorts and t-shirt. I met the doctor in his office. He closed the door behind me.

“Well? Let me guess. Too much work. I’m wearing myself out,” I said with a smile. “I know that already.”

“Well, that is part of it, but there’s more, I’m afraid.” The doctor’s voice was kind as he took his glasses off and folded them on the desk. “Are you intimately involved with anyone right now?”

“Um, well, no,” I stammered, surprised at the question. “Not for some time. I’d say it’s been…” I counted back to the end of my last disastrous relationship. “It’s been about a year now.”

“No sexual relations since then?”

“No.” I shook my head vehemently. “I’m not into that sort of thing,” I said, making myself ignore the incidences with Alex and John. “I don’t do the one night stand thing.”

“I see.” He sighed gravely. “You might want to call this last boyfriend, as well as the last three or four before him.”

“There WERE only three or four,” I said softly, confused.

“I’m not sure…I need to do more tests…but I believe you may be HIV Positive.”

Two days later

Two days later I was still in a state of shock. The doctor had run test after test and it all confirmed his fears…and worse. Not only was I HIV Positive, but I was well on the road to full blown AIDS. The “hickey” on my neck wasn’t a hickey (that I already knew). It was a lesion. The doctor was surprised that I hadn’t been feeling worse, but then again, I hadn’t known how serious the situation was. I just assumed I was wearing myself out with work. I hadn’t known that I was indeed wearing myself out…from the inside out. He immediately prescribed some drugs to help my immune system, warned me about getting colds, the whole nine yards. He told me how lucky I was, that every day new steps were being taken in preventative medicine.

As I drove to Alex’s gorgeous beach house, I wasn’t feeling very lucky. The guys had a few days off before another concert in the city of Sunrise, and I told Alex I had to see him. We needed to talk. Howie had wanted to take me to lunch but I told him I was spending the day with Alex. He seemed jealous; not of our friendship but of any idea that Alex and I were involved as more than friends. He didn’t like the idea AT ALL. I smiled to myself…if Howie only knew how far from the truth it all ways.

“Hey, sexy,” AJ said with a grin as he threw open the front door. “You’re beautiful today.”

“Hardly, but thank you,” I told him. Today had been one of my sicker days, and the thought of telling him about this made things worse. “How are you?”

“Got in a fight with Amanda this morning. What a way to start the day,” he grumbled as he led me out to the back deck. “I mean, we’re not together or anything, but we sure as hell fight like we still are.”

“I’m sorry, Alex,” I said softly. He shrugged.

“Oh, well, what can ya do? Can I get you something?”

“Water,” I told him. I was always thirsty, and water was the only thing that seemed to quench the thirst.

“Can do.” He padded into the house on bare feet and came out with a bottle of spring water. I raised an eyebrow.

“Tap water would have sufficed.”

“Nothing too good for you, girlie.” We sat on a swing and stared out at the ocean. I drank water, he pushed the swing with one foot. After about ten minutes, he said, “So, what’s up? Some new hot guy you need me to approve of? Or, wait…lemme guess…you’re pregnant, right? A cute little baby for me to spoil.”

“Oh, Alex.” The thought of the babies I would never have finally broke the damn. I started to sob against his shoulder.

“God, baby, I’m sorry. It’s true, isn’t it? You’re having a baby. Who’s the bastard? Did he dump you? I’ll rip his damn head off and shove it up his ass,” Alex almost snarled, and I had to smile at the thought of AJ attempting to beat the shit out of someone. “Are you keeping it? I can give you money if you want to…you know…”

“NO, Alex.” I shoved back and looked at him, tears streaming down my face. “I’m not getting an abortion. I mean, I’m not pregnant.” I sniffed loudly and watched him. So many women…and I could see why. He was so sexy and sensual, and he was caring, too, if you were lucky enough to get that close. “I need you to shut the hell up, okay?”

“Okay, jeez, just trying to help.” But he only looked mildly offended. I took a deep breath.

“Alex, how many people do you think you’ve slept with since that time we hooked up in the bathroom?”

His mouth fell open. “Do you REALLY think I can give you a number?” The shock was genuine and he said the words unashamedly. We had no secrets. I told him even more than I told Howie. There was something about childhood friendships that you had to protect. I didn’t need to protect Alex.

“No…no, I guess not.” I looked into his chocolate eyes. “Protection?”

“EVERY damn time. Even with you in the bathroom, remember? I’m clean and plan on staying that way, and I also don’t want to be popping out little AJ’s anywhere quite yet.”

My heart sank at the same time it was rising. Thank God. I figured he’d get tested often, and if what he said was true, he wasn’t infected. Thank God. It had been years since we had enjoyed that bathroom, and if it hadn’t shown up by now, he was probably safe. But that meant only one other thing.

“Alex, I want you to get tested. For HIV. For syphilis. For whatever other diseases there are out there, okay?”

“When did this turn around to me? Did you come over here to preach at me?” He stood and began to pace. “Girlie, I love you, but you’re not my mom, okay? I don’t need you telling me what to do.” Just the mention of the word ‘mom’ set me off again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll do it. I’ll get whatever you want tested. They can test my pubic hair if it will make you happy.” He knelt in front of me and wiped away my tears.

“Alex…” I whispered. His eyes were so kind. “I want you to get tested because…I have AIDS, Alex.” He was the first person I had said the words to, and they hung in the air like a tolling bell. His hands froze on my face as his skin paled.

“Um…what?”

“I have AIDS, Alex. And since I’ve only been with like six guys, I had to tell you. I’m not sure how…I mean, I didn’t know if I might have given…so I had to tell you.” Tears refused to flow any longer, though sobs racked my body still. AJ leaned back on his heels, staring up at me.

“You have no idea? I mean, when…who…”

“I’ve been sick for a while now…and this thing you thought was a hickey is actually a lesion.” I reached up to rub the offensive spot unconsciously. “I’m a lot sicker than even the doctor thought. I just figured I was tiring myself out with work. Just always had a cold, you know? Thank GOD I haven’t been involved with anyone for well over a year. I need to call him,” I said suddenly, realizing that my ex-boyfriend needed to know. I realized how random the thought was and laughed out loud. AJ turned his head to the side, staring at me. I knew I sounded hysterical, but at that moment laughter was all I had.

“Come here.” AJ took my hand and led me down the steps to the sand. I obediently followed him down the beach to a long line of rocks that reached out into the water. We walked down the jetty and sat at the end, letting our toes bob on top of the water. “Remember John?”

“Oh, yes, John,” I said quickly. He had been foremost in my mind since the doctor’s visit but Alex didn’t need to know that. “I’d forgotten his name,” I lied.

Alex took my hand in his, rubbing the knuckles. “Honey, John died five months ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, my heart dropping. “I know he was your friend.”

“An acquaintance, really,” AJ told me. “But that’s not the point. He died in a car wreck outside Paris.”

“How awful!” I gasped.

“Not really,” AJ said, his eyes never leaving mine. “He was already dying of AIDS.”

March, 2000

Now each day is one day that’s left in her life…she won’t know love…have a marriage…or sing lullabies…

“Here I am, with the booze, as requested,” AJ said as he kissed my cheek. He handed over the bottle of wine, reminding me of the party so long ago when I had made the same gesture to Howie. I didn’t drink wine, not with all the medication I was taking. But even without all that, I couldn’t drink it. It reminded me of HIM.

“Thank you, Alex.” I hugged him long and hard. As he wrapped his arms around me, I felt him wince.

“Yes, I’m losing weight. Hey, what better diet than an illness?” I asked cheerfully.

“Not funny, babe,” Alex said angrily. I whirled around in the hallway, my eyes blazing.

“You know what, AJ? I’M the one that decides what’s funny in my life, okay? I’M the one who has to deal with this shit, and if making dumb jokes is how I deal with it, then you fucking take it or roll, okay? I don’t need your pissy attitude. If I wanted a pissy attitude I’d just deal with myself all the time.” I stomped down the hall to the kitchen, tossing the wine into a bucket of ice. I then started to cough. I grabbed a dishcloth and held it to my mouth to catch any mucous. I felt a slim hand rub my back as another arm came around my waist. I leaned back against AJ’s lithe body, grateful for the support.

“Shh…calm down, sweetheart.” He continued to rub my back until the coughing ceased. He slowly turned me around. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Forgive me?” His brown eyes were apologetic.

“Already forgiven,” I croaked. “Sorry I blew up.”

“I should be used to it, since Kevin blows up at us all on a regular basis,” he said with a grin. “You’re right. If you feel the need to make jokes, go ahead. Especially today.”

“Yeah, especially today,” I repeated with a sigh. Today I was going to tell Howie, Brian, Kevin and Nick about the illness.

“Sit down. I’ll set the table.” AJ shoved me into a chair and went to my cupboards. “How are you feeling?”

“Well, I have this cough, as you see. I’ve had it for a while now.” I saw AJ freeze then quickly recover. I knew what he was thinking. He told me he had been doing research online and through books, and I knew he was thinking about the pneumonia. It could end my life right now if the cough wasn’t just a cough. Over the three months since I had seen him last, my doctor had confirmed that I definitely WAS past the HIV part and into the area of AIDS related complexes. I hadn’t told AJ the worst of things; if he called I said I was fine. I usually wasn’t, and I knew he probably didn’t believe me when I said it, but he pretended and I pretended and we got through it. Starting this day, however, there would be no more pretending. Once I was honest with the rest of the group I needed to start being honest with Alex…and myself.

“Well, you look good,” he told me, and I could tell by his voice that he meant it. “I mean, I expected to come here finding some ugly sick person, when instead a gorgeous hottie answers the door. Ya sure we don’t have time for a quickie? They aren’t supposed to get here for another fifteen minutes.”

I laughed until I coughed again, but this time AJ smiled. I knew he was trying to cheer me up. “As appetizing as that sounds, Alex, you know that someone is always early, and that usually it’s…”

“Hey, all!” Brian cheerfully yelled through my door. “Can I come in?”

“Brian,” AJ and I finished together, chuckling.

“This was yummy,” Nick declared with a sigh after dinner. “I miss home cooked meals.”

“Your mom doesn’t cook much?” I asked. The other guys laughed and looked at Nick. He smiled up at me.

“When she’s home, which is rare, she doesn’t cook. My dad cooks. My sisters cook. Hell, even I cook on occasion. But not Mom.”

“Ah.” I cleared dishes away. AJ quickly jumped up to help me, earning shocked looks from his bandmates.

“Bone, you feeling okay?” Howie asked.

“Aje, she loves you anyway…no need to impress her,” Brian pointed out.

“I wanna help. Just call me Betty Crocker,” AJ said over his shoulder as he went into the kitchen. I followed him. “You make coffee. I’ll get the guys settled in the living room,” he told me, giving me a smacking kiss on the cheek. He cupped my chin in his hand. “I’m here for you, okay?” I nodded, smiling nervously. He hurried back to the dining room and started herding his friends into my small living room.

“Thanks for having us over,” Kevin said to me when I entered the living room. He helped me balance the tray I was carrying as I handed out coffee mugs. “It’s nice to have just a quiet meal like this. This tour was crazy.”

“I bet,” I said quietly.

“I thought you woulda come out to see us more,” Howie said accusingly. I had traveled to St. Petersburg at the end of February to see the show, but otherwise I didn’t want to travel. The three months since I had seen them had not been easy. I had done fairly well physically, but emotionally I had been a wreck. The realization of the fact that the days allotted to me were quite numbered was not something I could easily accept.

“I tried. I was busy,” I lied. I WAS able to do some work from home but it was very exhausting. I was planning on finishing up about a dozen designs before calling it quits all together. Luckily I had saved most of my money.

“We’re all together now so that’s really all that matters, isn’t it?” Brian asked quickly, ever the peacemaker.

“Right,” I said, smiling at him gratefully. I sat next to AJ on the sofa and took a deep breath. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I have something to tell you guys. It hasn’t been easy, and I should have told you sooner.”

Everyone froze and stared at me. Howie’s eyes darted from me to AJ and back again. “You’re pregnant,” he snapped. “YOU knocked her up, didn’t you?” Howie growled at AJ.

“Howie, I…” AJ held up a hand.

“You fucking prick. Couldn’t you keep it in your pants for FIVE seconds? And when you had it out, couldn’t you fucking cover it up?” Howie almost yelled. I knew that he was jealous of the friendship that had sprouted up between AJ and I but this was crazy.

“Howie, calm the hell down or leave my house!” I shouted, jumping to my feet. I coughed for a minute then composed myself. “Stop it, NOW! I’m not pregnant, for God’s sake!” I coughed again, unable to continue. AJ rubbed my back until I could breathe normally. Howie stared at me, still angry.

“Are you two getting married or something?” Nick asked softly. AJ and I looked at each other and burst into laughter.

“Oh, if it were only that easy!” I said, trying not to cough as I laughed.

“C’mon, Nicky, she’s MUCH smarter than that,” AJ said, smiling at me kindly. “Even SHE wouldn’t torture herself like that. Marry me? Puhleeze.”

“Then what is going on?” Kevin asked impatiently. AJ and I sobered quickly. We sat down and he once more held my hand.

“Howie, I want you to know that I didn’t mean to hide anything from you. You’ll always be my best friend and I will love you as long as I live.” The thought hit me hard. “As long as I live” might not even be that long. “I had to tell Alex first because…because it involved him.” I felt myself start to cry and I willed the tears back. “Howie…I…” I faltered at the words. How do you tell your best friend that you’re dying?

“Honey, you can tell me.” Gone was the angry Howie. Kneeling in front of my was my very best friend. “You could always tell me anything. Tell Howie, honey. Tell me and we’ll fix it…we’ll make it right.”

“You can’t fix this one, D,” AJ said in a dull tone. Howie’s dark eyes flickered over to him and then back to me.

“I have AIDS, Howie,” I said, my voice sounding unfamiliar. “I have AIDS and I’m dying. I don’t know how much longer I…”

“No.” Howie stood and took two steps backwards, shaking his head. “No. No you don’t. You are the most responsible person I know. You can’t. No.” He continued to shake his head as his tone leaned towards the hysterical. “No way. No. Was it that bastard ex of yours…what’s his name…Adam?”

“No, not Adam. Though I HAVE called him, and thank GOD he has tested negative. He’s going to test again, but I think he’s safe. We were always careful,” I said, knowing I sounded as if I were babbling. I allowed my eyes to flick over to Brian, Nick and Kevin. Their eyes were huge and their mouths formed big Os.

“See? Always careful. There’s no way. You don’t have AIDS. You’re probably just worn out…you get worn out so quickly,” Howie continued, denial filling his voice.

“That’s what I thought, Howie,” I said gently, standing and putting a hand on his arm. He shrugged it off. “I thought I was just tired…then they did tests…and now I know. I’m on some preventative drugs…not only do I always have this cold but they think I may have a type of skin cancer, which explains these.” I lifted my shirt and showed the tiny spots of cancerous lesions that surrounded my chest and abdomen. Kevin and Nick gasped. Brian’s face was white but he said nothing. AJ also paled; I hadn’t revealed this to him. “I’m having radiation treatments for these, though they hurt like a bitch.”

Howie stepped back again, almost tripping over Nick’s long legs. “You need to stop this.”

“Howie, please. I need you to be strong for me, okay? I can’t do this alone,” I finally allowed myself to wail. “I need my friends around me. How can I be strong for you if you can’t be strong for me?”

“I need to go. Need to leave.” Howie stumbled to the door and managed to open it. He left without looking back. I sobbed with my face in my hands. I heard AJ behind me.

“Babygirl…”

“No. Let me.” I heard Kevin say the words as strong arms enveloped me. I cried against his broad chest gratefully. “I know we’re not that close. But if you need me, you call. I know…” Kevin paused. “I know what it’s like to watch someone you care about get so sick. Howie is in shock now…but he’ll be back.”

“Thank you…Ke-Ke-Kevin,” I tried to speak through my sobs. “I…understand if you…guys don’t want to…be around me.”

“Why?” Brian asked. “You’re sick. So what? Doesn’t change who you are,” he finished simply. I looked at him around Kevin’s embrace.

“I promise you guys that I don’t fuck around,” I said quietly. “I just must’ve made a mistake somewhere. The only perfect protection is no sex at all.”

“We don’t think you DID fuck around,” Kevin said to me. I peeked around Kevin on the other side. Guilt was plastered all over AJ’s face. I had told him time and time again that it wasn’t his fault, he hadn’t made me hook up with John, but he still could not forgive himself. I wormed myself away from Kevin and put my arms around AJ. We hugged and I looked at the others.

“Thank you,” I said gratefully. They nodded, knowing what I meant. I was glad they hadn’t run…I’d need all the friends I could get now.

After the day with the Backstreet Boys, I hermitted myself in my house. I answered no calls. I didn’t answer the door. I wanted to be alone. Admitting the illness to Howie and the rest of the guys was the last straw. It was real now, and I had to deal with it. I didn’t want to deal with it. I stayed up all night, finishing design ideas and sending them off to a friend who was acting as my agent. She was shocked at the speed at which I had worked, but I couldn’t tell her that I wanted to get the ideas down while I was still strong enough to work on them. Who knew how soon my strength would start to fade.

After three nights of about an hour of sleep apiece, I finally collapsed on my sofa. I had turned on The View and was watching the women interview George Clooney when I finally fell into a peaceful deep sleep.

“Girlie…baby…wake up…oh for God’s sake wake up!” I felt someone violently shaking me as I struggled to open my eyes. “Rok, dial faster, you retard!”

“Aje…AJ…I’m up…what time is it?” I groggily sat up and rubbed my eyes. The room was pitch dark except for the light of the TV. “What are you doing here? How’d you get in?”

“Oh, thank God.” AJ tumbled onto the floor and closed his eyes. Brian silently hung up the phone, relief scribbled all over his face. “Thank God.”

“What’s going on?” I leaned across the arm of the sofa to turn a light on. The three of us blinked at the harsh brightness.

“Do you KNOW how many times I’ve called you in the last week?” AJ growled.

“Thirteen,” I recited. “Thirteen, and I’m assuming the twenty-four hang-ups on my machine were you, too, not to mention the three times someone came to the door.”

“That was Nick, actually, at the door,” Brian offered, trying not to smile as I rattled off the information. “AJ was too mad to come over.”

“Do you realize that we were worried? Do you realize I thought…we thought…” AJ stomped off to the kitchen. I sighed and rubbed my temples.

“I just needed to be alone,” I said half to myself. I felt Brian come over and put an arm around me.

“He’s worried. The way AJ deals with any emotion is to get angry. It’s how he is.”

“I know,” I said, smiling at him gratefully. “You guys didn’t need to worry. I was fine.”

“But we didn’t KNOW that,” Brian pointed out.

“This is only gonna get harder,” I said. “I know that. And I needed time to deal with it and just hash it all out. Once I can get past the thought of it all, I can try to help everyone else get past it.”

“Don’t.” AJ stormed back into the room and yanked me to my feet. “Don’t worry one second about us, okay? We can get past it all. We can do it on our own. Don’t waste time or strength on anyone but you, okay?” He glared at me then pulled me into a fierce hug. “Don’t fucking scare me like this again, okay? I had everyone freaking out.”

“Everyone?” I asked timidly. I saw Brian and AJ exchange glances.

“Sure, everyone,” Brian said lightly. “We’ve adopted you into the Backstreet Posse, you know.”

“Where is he?” I demanded. AJ sighed and stroked my hair.

“Baby, you have me and Bri and Kev and Nick. We…”

“Where’s HOWIE, dammit? Where’s my supposed best friend?”

“He…um…he went away for a few days, that’s all,” Brian said.

“To the cabin?”

“Yeah,” Brian admitted softly. I referred to the tiny vacation cabin Howie kept in Tennessee. It was in the middle of nowhere and it was where he went to think. I knew where it was and had been there two or three times.

“Does he hate me?”

“No. Baby, no. He doesn’t hate you. It’s because he loves you so much that he’s acting this way,” AJ said soothingly. “He’ll be back.”

“I need to talk to him. I NEED to,” I repeated.

“You have us, you know,” AJ reminded me. He hugged me again and I felt Brian squeeze my hand.

“I know. And I love you guys for it. But Howie…he’s my very best friend. I need to face him, and help him face what’s coming.”

Three days later Brian called and told me Howie was back in town. My hands itched to pick up the phone and call him, but I knew he’d ignore my calls, just as I had ignored AJ’s. I wanted to wait for Howie to reach out to ME.

One day after radiation treatment for the lesions however, I called. I needed him. The pain was bad and I was violently sick. I knew it was a reaction to the treatment, and going to the hospital or calling the doctor would do no good. I needed someone to talk to me, to make me forget. And there was no one else I wanted.

“Hi, this is Sweet D. I’m out and about so leave a message. Later.”

“Howie…oh GOD…Howie…” I tried not to scream into the phone as pain gripped my abdomen. “If…you’re there…please…”

“What? What is it?” Howie’s concerned voice came through the line.

“Oh, thank GOD.” I began to sob. “Come over.”

“Do you need an ambulance?”

“I need you. Just you. Please…Howie…forgive me…”

“I’m on my way.” Howie hung up. I slammed the phone onto the receiver and began to crawl to the bathroom. As I went by my bedroom, the phone rang. I made myself go into the room and grab the cordless.

“Hello?”

“I’m in the car, on my cell. I wanna talk to you until I get there.”

“Howie, this is crazy.” I almost laughed through the pain. “What if I have to throw up?”

“Put the phone on mute, then.” I giggled outright. “Seriously, remember when you turned twenty-one? Who held your hair as you puked?”

“You,” I whispered. This was why I had called him. He had seen it all and been through it all with me. There was no shame with Howie.

“Okay, I’m on the highway. What’s going on?”

“Therapy…for the lesions…” I whispered, crawling to the bathroom. I gratefully laid my head against the cool porcelain of the toilet.

“Okay. When did you get home?”

“An hour ago.”

“And you just called?”

“I didn’t want to bother you…but it’s bad…”

“You’re not bothering me, dammit, and I don’t wanna hear that shit again, understand?”

“Yes, sir,” I said with a weak smile that he couldn’t see.

“I’m almost at exit twelve,” he said. He must’ve been driving like a bat out of hell. “Where are you?”

“Upstairs bathroom,” I told him. I laid down on the floor. “Howie…sing…please sing…”

“What?”

“Anything,” I said tiredly.

“Girl, you’re looking fine tonight…and every guy has got you in his sights…” Howie sang softly, and I smiled. One of my favorite songs, “Angel Eyes” by the Jeff Healy Band. Ten minutes later he stopped. “I’m here. Be right in.” He hung up and I pushed the hang up button on my own phone. I heard his feet stomping up the steps. I made myself sit up and lean against the wall.

“Hey there, sexy man,” I said with a small smile. Howie didn’t smile back. He sat down beside me, pushing my hair from my face.

“Can I get you anything?”

“Um, maybe a ponytail holder? On the dresser.” He nodded and shot back into the bedroom. He returned with a black rubber band and he pulled my hair back into a ponytail. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Howie looked at me for a long moment. I could tell he didn’t quite know what to say.

“Do you remember when we were in like fifth grade and we had that play wedding at recess?”

“Oh, GOD.” Howie rolled his eyes. “That was awful. My friends made fun of me for WEEKS after that.”

“Really? You never told me!”

“Yeah, well, you were so hell bent on this wedding thing and I didn’t want to disappoint you. They made fun of me all the time anyway, because my best friend was a girl.”

“A girl who climbed trees and played kickball and softball, thank you very much,” I almost snapped. I slid down to lay my head on his lap. He stroked my face.

“Yes, I know. You had that dumb paper veil on, and those weed flowers for a bouquet,” he remembered with a chuckle.

“Hey! It took a whole night to make that veil! I think I still have it.” That made him laugh even harder. “And I named my favorite teddy bear Howard after you and pretended he was my baby.”

“Wow. I’m honored.” Howie stopped laughing and looked down at me. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Howie…I’ll never have that.” I slowly sat up. I had never allowed myself to dive into self-pity, but I couldn’t stop. “I’ll never get married, never have babies. Never hear anyone say they love me.”

“I love you. AJ loves you. The other guys care about you.”

“Not the same, Howie!” I angrily wiped tears away. “I can’t be in a relationship…I can’t make someone happy when I can’t give them every part of a relationship. No sex is safe for me and…”

“There are happy relationships without sex,” he pointed out.

“But not a lot of guys are willing to take part in that,” I retorted. “God! Why me? What the FUCK did I do to deserve this?” I screamed, the scream ending in a harsh cough. Howie held me against his chest, trying to absorb the vibration of the coughing into his body.

“That’s just it. Oh, honey, that’s why I went away. I couldn’t figure out why…why you…why you? You have always been a good person, you care so much about others…why not some mass murderer or child molester or spouse abuser? Why you?” I felt his tears on my hair. “I can’t live a life without you. You know all of me. Fifth grade me and senior high me and Backstreet Boy me. No one else knows me like you do and I can’t do it.”

“I need you to, Howie. I need you to be strong. I need you to be the holder of all the memories of me.” I pulled back and wiped his tears away. “I have little nieces and nephews and cousins who probably won’t remember me, and older family who will. I need you to remind them of all the other parts of me, so when they are sad and grieving, they remember the good times and not just the end.” My eyes finally ran dry. “Please, Howie. Do this for me. Do what no other person can. Not AJ, not anyone. Just you.” I smiled wanly. “Consider this my dying wish?”

“That’s not fair,” he said, noticing the teasing smile in my eyes. “Not fair at all.”

“Was I ever fair to you?” I added.

“No.” Howie hugged me again. “I promise. I promise that I will stop being so damn selfish and I will be what you need. I’ll be your best friend. I’ll be the memory holder.”

“Thank you.” I sank against him gratefully, feeling as if a weight had been lifted from me. My best friend was back. “Thank you.”

“Guess what?” AJ asked as soon as our asses hit the booth of the restaurant. I looked over at Howie, amused. AJ was so funny when he had a secret to tell.

“What, Alex?” I asked, taking a sip of my water. I looked around the restaurant happily. This was the best I had felt in weeks, and the guys were taking me out for dinner to celebrate.

“GUESS where we’re going to work on writing and recording? Just guess.”

“Aje, haven’t you learned by now that she HATES guessing games?” Howie asked, winking at me. I rolled my eyes. That wink was like a damned nervous tic with him or something.

“Tell me, Alex.”

“The Bahamas. The fucking Bahamas!” AJ shrieked in a whisper. “Does that TOTALLY kick ass or what?”

“That is great, AJ,” I said dreamily, imagining the beaches and the crashing of the waves. “You’ll have a great time. I hear it’s beautiful down there.”

“It IS. And that is why you’re coming along with us.” AJ bounced up and down in his seat. Obviously this information excited him beyond compare. “You’re coming along, baby! Isn’t that great? You can thank me later.”

“No,” I said solemnly. Howie stared and AJ stopped bouncing.

“Honey, we thought you’d be happy. You’ve always wanted to go there,” Howie said gently.

“It is a sweet offer, and I appreciate it. But the last thing you need is me bumming around there worrying you. And you WOULD worry. Both of you. The other guys too.” I looked at AJ. “This next album is critical for you guys, and you need to be at your very best while writing AND recording. I’d be a sixth wheel. Alex, I appreciate it, and someday, when the album is done, you and I will go down to the Bahamas, drink daiquiris until they pour out of our ears, and dance all night long on the beach, okay?”

He sighed and nodded. “Okay. But you heard her, D. She said we’d dance ALL night long.”

The guys were gone for almost the entire month of May. I missed them terribly, but in a way I was glad they weren’t around. Though they were utterly supportive, I always felt like I had to be extra brave when I was with them. I knew they were each strong in their own way, and often I would draw off that strength, but I also knew that once I let my own façade fall, they would have a hard time dealing with things.

May started out really well for me. I found no new lesions, and for the first time in months I could take a deep breath and not cough. I worked on some new designs, and I even managed to wallpaper the guestroom. By the time AJ showed up at my house the day after their return, however, I could hardly walk between the bedroom and the bathroom. I had been forced to start the radiation treatments again, and this time they were for lesions on my face. The burning of the radiation made my mouth hurt like hell, and eating was something I did at a bare minimum. Alex had a key to my house, and he let himself in. I heard him whistling as he jogged up the steps. “Babygirl? Your prince has arrived, and I come bearing gifts.” He burst into the bedroom and stopped short. “Baby?” His eyes were huge as he looked at my face.

“Alex…” I slid out from under the covers and crawled to the bathroom, making it just in time.

“Oh…shit…honey…” I heard him wring out a washcloth and moaned as its coolness pressed against my forehead, and then the back of my neck. He smoothed back my hair as I vomited, tears from the pain in my mouth mixing with the dry heaves. I had no clue what could possibly come up; I had hardly eaten even toast. AJ had never been around when I was this sick, and I was shocked at how well he was handling it. When the heaves subsided he got me a drink of water, then pulled me into his arms on the floor. I wept in his embrace as he rocked us side to side.

“Alex…I’m sorry…” I croaked. I was mortified.

“Baby, do NOT apologize, you understand me? What, do you think I’ve never prayed to the porcelain goddess before? It was a regular occurrence on tour.” I smiled as I imagined AJ on tour. Every night a party. “Just relax. Relax and then I’ll draw you a nice bath.”

I sighed with gratitude. I had been afraid to get into a tub, worried that something would happen and I wouldn’t be able to climb out in time. I had done my bathing at the sink. “That sounds nice.”

“Wanna see what I brought you?” AJ asked in a soothing tone.

“After the bath,” I said weakly. He nodded and held me for a bit longer. He gently leaned me against the wall and stood to start the bathwater. “Bubbles are in the cabinet,” I told him. He raised an eyebrow. “Any self-respecting female uses bubbles in her bath,” I told him.

AJ snapped his fingers. “THAT must be why I don’t have a girlfriend.” He went to the bathroom cabinet and pulled out a bottle of country apple bubble bath from Bath and Body Works. “This what you mean?” I nodded. He dumped an ample amount into the bathtub. “Okay. Your turn.” He helped me stand. I was shocked when I looked at him.

“Alex, are you blushing?”

“Um, maybe,” he stammered. His brown eyes studied my face. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No, of course not. I…oh…” My eyes widened as I realized what he meant. He was asking if I minded undressing in front of him. “I’d rather you stayed,” I told him. “I feel safer with you here…and it’s not like you haven’t seen it before. Besides, I’ve lost so much weight you won’t be even CLOSE to turned on.”

“Let me be the judge of that.” He helped me out of my pajamas and held my hand as I stepped into the tub. I slid under the bubbles with a huge sigh. This was heaven. AJ grabbed a new washcloth and reached into the water. I squealed as he picked up my leg and began to wash from the toes up. I couldn’t help but giggle.

“Alex, that tickles!”

“The legs are still good. I always liked your legs,” he commented.

“AJ, you knew me for about fifteen minutes when…”

“I mean AFTER that. You weren’t just a fuck to me, you know.” I was shocked into silence. He pushed up his sleeves and reached into the water for my other leg. “I mean, yes, there are girls who are just fucks, but you never were. I wouldn’t be your friend now if you weren’t something more then.”

A tear slipped down my face. “Alex…”

“I mean, I was young then and not looking for a relationship, but I thought we clicked on like the friendship level. You were smart and fun and WAY too good for me. You’re one of the best friends I have outside the group.”

“That means a lot to me, Alex,” I said softly. We shared a friendly smile and he helped me finish my bath. He helped me step out of the tub and I slowly dried off as he went in search of new pajamas.

“How about this?” I screamed at the sexy teddy he waved in front of me. It was black and had a lot more lace than real fabric.

“Alexander McLean, where the HELL did you find that?”

“I bought it for you. Thought you could save it for your wedding night.” He danced it around in front of him.

“AJ, thank you, but…”

“Don’t say it. Never say never,” AJ ordered. He held out one of my nightshirts that he had been holding behind his back. “Now put this on and get your ass back into the bedroom. I have presents for you!”

She lays alone and cries herself to sleep…’cause she let a stranger kill her hopes and her dreams, and all her friends say what a pity what a loss…

“What color is it again?” Howie asked me as we drove from the airport to the hotel.

“Sage,” I told him for the tenth time.

“That’s green, D,” AJ offered helpfully from the backseat.

“I KNOW that, Aje,” Howie snapped, exasperated. “I still dunno why you won’t let me SEE the dress.”

“I haven’t bought anything new in ages, and I want this to be a surprise for you. Howie, as your date for Kevin’s wedding I want to look SPECTACULAR!”

“You will,” Howie said, reaching over to squeeze my hand.

“Besides, D, I helped her shop,” AJ pointed out.

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Howie replied.

I smiled as they continued to bicker. This trip to Kentucky was a big deal for me. My health had been holding steady enough for me to travel, although both Alex and Howie had had serious long discussions with my doctor just in case. If you didn’t know me well, you wouldn’t know by looking at me that I was so sick.

“Okay, young lady, your room is between me and Howie,” Alex informed me as we pulled into the hotel parking lot. We were staying in the hotel where the reception would be. Kevin was wise; he knew many of his guests would leave the party intoxicated. “If you need anything, you yell, understand?”

“Oh, no,” I moaned dramatically. “So I get to hear you getting busy all night?”

“Maybe I was planning on getting busy with YOU,” AJ retorted with a grin.

“You should sleep with me,” Howie told me, getting my suitcase from the trunk. “It’s safer.”

“Ha,” AJ interrupted. “That Sweet D appearance is deceiving.”

“Hey!” Nick waved from the second floor stairwell overlooking the pool. “We have these awesome suites!” He jogged down the steps and threw me over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. “Come see!”

“Nick, careful!” AJ barked.

“Alex, I’m fine. Relaxxxxx…” The last sounds of my words were filled with giggles as Nick carried me up the stairs. I saw Howie and AJ shake their heads.

We were all invited to the rehearsal dinner, but I declined and stayed back at the hotel. AJ tried to decline but I smacked him and told him to quit being such a worrywart. I made sure he was safely in the back of Howie’s rental car before I went into my suite. Two seconds later there was a knock on the door. “Alexander James, if you…” I began as I opened the door. “Nick…hey.”

“Hey,” Nick shuffled his feet nervously. “I didn’t feel like going. Wanna take a walk?”

“Um, sure!” I said, pleasantly surprised that he had sought me out. “Let me get my sneakers on.” I threw on sneakers without socks and we walked down the steps.

Nick took my hand and swung it between us. “I just didn’t feel like dealing with all that…the family and all.” He stared up at the stars and I watched his handsome face. “It’s hard…I mean, Kev and Bri have this awesome family, and mine is…well…dysfunctional.”

I giggled. That was an understatement. “I understand, Nick. I feel weird here, too. I’m happy for Kevin and I want to share in his joy, but underneath it’s so sad.”

Nick stopped walking and took both of my hands in his. “OhmyGod. You know, I didn’t even think about that. Stupid Blond Moment number four hundred and thirty. I’m so sorry. This must kill you.” He gasped as he realized his word choice. “I mean…I…”

I laughed and stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “It’s okay, Nick. The last thing I want is people walking on eggshells around me. I just want to be normal as long as I can, okay?”

“Okay.” We walked a few more blocks and I started to tire. Nick noticed. “Hey, there is a pizza sign. Want pizza?”

I had been trying to eat healthy, willing to try anything to keep myself from getting sicker. Suddenly I wanted pizza like it was going out of style. “I would LOVE pizza,” I told him.

“Race you,” he said, and took off down the block. I pretended to run after him, but stopped as soon as I felt the familiar build up in my lungs.

“No,” I whispered. “No. Not again.” I leaned on a building and prayed for the cough to stay down.

Kevin’s wedding was beautiful. Kristin looked gorgeous, and they both were so incredibly happy that I could not help but forget my own sadness in their joy. Glasses were hit every five minutes so they would kiss, and the alcohol flowed. I didn’t drink but made fun of Nick and Alex as they quickly got intoxicated. As the bride and groom took the dance floor for their first dance, I excused myself to use the restroom. This was one thing I couldn’t watch without feeling incredibly sorry for myself.

I entered the bathroom, wondering why fancy hotels always seemed to have lobbies in their restrooms. “Yes, the brunette,” I heard a familiar voice say. “The one with Howie.” I froze. It was Leighanne, Brian’s fiancée. We had always gotten along, and I knew she wasn’t maliciously gossiping about me.

“The one in green. Go on,” a second female voice said.

“She has AIDS,” Leighanne said, lowering her voice. The other voice gasped. “I know. She’s such a sweet little thing, too. What a pity.”

The last thing I wanted was pity. I cleared my throat loudly and made a racket coming into the bathroom. “Hey, Leighanne. Wasn’t the wedding beautiful? I guess you’re next, huh?”

“Yes, though I bet ours will be nothing like this,” she said with a friendly smile. We chatted a bit more and then she returned outside with her friend. I stared at the mirror for a long moment, willing the tears back. I couldn’t cry. Not here. Not now. I slowly made my way back to the party. I found Alex.

“Alex, I’m going upstairs,” I said over the music. He smiled at me in his crooked way.

“No, honey, stay here. I didn’t get to dance with you.”

“I don’t want to dance. I need to leave.”

Alex sobered instantly. “Are you okay?”

“Physically, yes. I just…I need to go.”

His brown eyes were full of understanding. “Okay, baby.” He kissed my cheek. “I’ll find D and tell him.”

“Thank you.” I went over and said my goodbyes to Kristin and Kevin, then found Nick. “Be careful, Nicky. Try to slow down.”

“I am down slowed…I mean, slowed down. I promise,” he vowed, his blue eyes big. He gave me a wet kiss on the cheek. I quickly said goodbye to Brian and Leighanne and hurried up to my suite.

I actually made it out of my dress and into my pajamas before the floodgates opened. I sobbed long and hard into my pillow, screaming into the fabric of the pillowcase. It wasn’t fair. Wasn’t fair that I should lose everything, things that I hadn’t even had the chance to HAVE yet. I hated the thought of people pitying me, though I knew that everyone who found out DID pity me. At least the ones who didn’t think I was a slut or a drug user. People were still very closed-minded about AIDS.

I cried for about twenty minutes, until I started to dose off. I was almost asleep when I heard a knock on my door. “Go away!” I called.

“Baby, it’s me…lemme in,” I heard AJ say. I sighed and turned on a light, padding to the door on my bare feet.

“Alex, I told you, I don’t want anything to do with you when you’re drunk,” I said.

“I’m not drunk…so much…” AJ replied, his brown eyes very serious. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.” I moved aside. AJ loosened his tie and took off his jacket. He unbuttoned the shirt all the way but left it on.

“You owe me,” he said, taking a CD from his jacket pocket and popping it into the stereo. Christina Aguilera’s “I Turn to You” came through the speakers. “You owe me a dance.”

“Alex, I don’t…”

“Shh. Dance.” He pulled me into his arms and snuggled me close. I sighed and allowed my body to lean against him. “Just dance…forget the rest and dance with me. Let me hold you…” I did as he asked and soon the pain flew away in the music…and all that was left was me and Alex…

The summer passed quickly, and as the days turned cooler my health failed once more. I caught a slight case of the flu that lasted for weeks. AJ and Howie took turns freaking out, and as I tried to calm them down I hardly had time to freak out myself. I secretly felt that they were overreacting just so I wouldn’t. They were hard at work on their new CD, tentatively titled “Black and Blue.” I liked the title. I thought it was mysterious, and each of the guys had their own meaning for it.

I was at my desk one day in August when AJ came running into my house. He and Howie each had keys in case something would happen. I jumped and shuffled some papers around. “Alex! For God’s sake, can’t you fucking KNOCK?” I snapped angrily. AJ stopped short in the doorway and stared at me.

“What’s the big deal? I come in unannounced all the time.”

“Well…maybe…maybe I was busy,” I said, still angry. “Please knock next time.” I stood up and some of the papers fell to the floor.

“Yes, ma’am,” AJ shot back, bending down to help me pick them up. “I…” His brown eyes carelessly flitted over the paper on top and he froze. I walked away, my back to him. “What is this?”

“What does it look like, dumbass? It’s my will.”

“Your will? Baby, I don’t see why you need this. You’re beating this thing. You’re doing real good.”

“Real good?” I whirled around, my frustrations flowing out at him. “Alex, you’re not here at night. You’re out partying and having a good time, getting drunk off your ass, fucking all your little groupies. I’m here, throwing up. I’m here, too sick to eat. I’m here, pouring so many different kinds of drugs into my body that I might as WELL be drinking cocktails. You have no clue HOW I’m doing. Go back to your party and leave me the fuck alone!” I brushed past him and went down the hall, will in hand.

Alex followed me to the guestroom where my safe was located behind a painting on the wall. “Don’t EVEN turn this on me. I OFFERED to be here for you, and you told me not to bother. I offered to stay over all kinds of times and you said that you didn’t NEED me.” He grabbed my by the arm and whirled me around. “Besides, this is NO ONE’S fault but yours.”

My hand flew out and struck his face. “Well, if you hadn’t have introduced me to your slut friend, maybe I wouldn’t be here DYING, Alex!” I screamed. Guilt filled his eyes as horror filled my heart. Just as I couldn’t believe what he had said, I couldn’t believe the words that had left my mouth. “Oh…Alex…I…”

“Babygirl…I’m so sorry.” Tears began to pour down his cheeks. “Sorry for everything…what I said…what John did…I…I…” His slim shoulders heaved with sobs. “I never knew…I never would have even introduced you…”

“No…no, Alex…don’t…it’s not your fault. I didn’t mean it. You couldn’t have known. I’m sorry, too.” I hugged him as we cried. “I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I’m just so tired.” We slowly tumbled to the floor in each other’s arms. “I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of putting on the happy face. I’m tired of being sick. Tired of being tired.”

“Honey, stop being strong. Stop putting on the happy face. No one expects it.”

“But everyone else is so happy, getting ready for Brian’s wedding. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone.”

“You won’t.” AJ cradled my head on his shoulder and pushed hair from my face.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to go to the wedding,” I said softly. AJ pulled back to look at me. “I just…I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. The trip to Georgia…everything else. There’s gonna be a lot of publicity, and I don’t want to be around all that,” I said, looking at him. “You understand, right? I already told Howie.”

“Of course. I don’t want you to be there if you’d be uncomfortable,” he said. “There’ll be a lot of pictures, and I’m sure SOMEONE will be videotaping it.”

We sat in silence for a moment. “Why did you run in here all excited?” I asked.

“Oh, that.” I could hear the excitement creep back into AJ’s voice. “Guess what we’re doing to start the CD?”

“What?”

“We’re doing this one hundred hour tour of the world, stopping in every continent as the CD is released. Sweden, Japan, Australia, Brazil, South Africa, then New York. November seventeenth to November twenty-first. Is that crazy or what?”

I stared at him. “That’s ridiculous. You’ll be a wreck by the end.”

“Probably. But it would be amazing. All those places. And we’ve never been to Africa…at least I don’t THINK so. And that MTV show “Diary” is gonna go with us and tape everything.” AJ looked totally thrilled. I sighed. This meant they would all be gone again, and I had gotten so used to calling AJ or Howie or even Kevin when I was down.

“I’ll miss you.”

“You could come,” AJ suggested. I rolled my eyes.

“Hardly. This is gonna be a killer trip for a healthy person. I’d never make it.”

“So we’d leave you in Japan and come back for you,” AJ said with a grin. I poked him.

“Any idea when you’ll start the real tour?”

“Probably January or February of next year. We’re gonna try to travel more outside of the US, too.” He kissed my forehead. “Maybe you’ll be feeling better and you can come along.”

“Maybe,” I said with a sigh.

September came and went, and I was not able to attend Brian and Leighanne’s wedding. I read about it in magazines, and watched the footage on Entertainment Tonight. They looked so happy, and it really did look like a fairytale wedding. I saw pictures online of the guys, and every one of them looked less than sober. Howie brought back a home video of the wedding and parts of the reception, and when I saw Brian sing his own song for Leighanne, I sat and sobbed. Once again, I felt sorry for myself. I tried my best not to get down like that, but I couldn’t help it sometimes. AJ and I had another spat, and he finally accused me of trying to push me away so he wouldn’t get hurt when I was so ill. I told him he was flattering himself, and he threw a glass of water in my face. Howie had walked into the house just then, and he told us if we didn’t start behaving, he would ground us both. That cracked us up, and we both apologized.

The week before the Black and Blue one hundred hour tour, AJ, Howie and Nick were coming over for an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner with me. They would be with their families for the holiday, but they wanted to celebrate something with me. Brian and Kevin were both spending time with their wives before they would have to go away. The men were bringing the food, all I had to do was set the table. The only problem was that I had absolutely no strength. I spent the entire morning in bed, and when Nick arrived at eleven with cranberry sauce and Italian bread, I was in the bathroom vomiting.

“Oh shit. Oh no.” I heard a thud and prayed that cranberry sauce was not seeping into my beige bedroom carpet. “Um…should I call the police? A doctor? Nine one one?” Nick was frantic.

“No…Nick…” I croaked. “Just go away…”

“No, you need help. Oh fuck.” Nick ran around in circles in my bedroom, and if I hadn’t been throwing up, I would have laughed hysterically.

“Junior, what the hell…oh.” I heard AJ’s voice and was relieved. “Here. Take this. Go to the kitchen and start finding bowls and plates and things. GO!” He barked. I felt his hands on my forehead. “And just how long have you been this sick?”

“Last night,” I whispered.

“And you didn’t call us why?”

“I wanted…special dinner…you’re leaving…” I whispered. AJ sighed and cradled me against him.

“Oh, babygirl.”

“What’s up?” Howie strolled into the bathroom. “Oh, how nice. A little tryst in the bathroom again? I thought you guys had been here, done this.”

“Dammit. We’re busted,” AJ said, grinning up at Howie. I had to giggle. Here I was in my Little Mermaid nightshirt, hair a mess, skin deathly pale, weighing about fifty pounds soaking wet, and I had just finished throwing up. I was sure the LAST thing I was to AJ was a turnon.

“Are you okay?” Howie wanted to know. “From the way Nick talked, you were barfing up a lung.”

“I’m fine,” I insisted. AJ pinched me lightly.

“No, Miss Liar, you are not. She has been very ill since last night and didn’t call and tell us.”

“Bitch,” Howie said to me. “Should we leave?”

“No, please don’t,” I begged. “I want you to stay.”

“Okay,” AJ said. “You’re not gonna eat, are you?”

I shook my head. “Not a big turkey dinner.”

“That’s what I thought,” Howie said, “which is why I brought you a nice bowl of turkey broth and some special cranberry jello salad my mom taught me to make. We’ll just have to eat all the turkey dinner ourselves.”

“Can’t I even have mashed potatoes?” I mourned as AJ helped me up.

“Only if you shower and clean up.” Howie waved his hand in front of his face. “You have vomit breath.”

“Oh, thanks,” I said, lightly shoving them out of the bathroom so I could shower.

We had a very nice dinner, though I couldn’t eat very much of it. I ate some potatoes and the broth and jello salad while the men pigged out on turkey and dressing and potatoes and corn and cranberry sauce. AJ kept a close eye on me throughout the meal, and I noticed him watching me with a strange look on his face. They cleaned up, then we all watched a video. I dozed off on AJ’s lap, and when I woke up, Howie and Nick were gone.

“Oh, God, what kind of hostess am I?” I groggily sat up.

“They weren’t offended. They’re used to it by now,” AJ said, ruffling my hair. “Look, girlie, there’s something I need to ask you.”

“Go ahead.” I leaned across him to turn on a lamp.

“I want you to marry me.”

I almost fell off the sofa. “Excuse me?”

AJ gently pushed me back and slid off the sofa, kneeling in front of me. In his hand was a beautiful diamond ring. “I want you to be my wife.”

“Alex, stop it,” I giggled. He didn’t laugh. “Alex?”

“I want to marry you. Before I go away, before I go on tour.”

“Alex, marrying me isn’t going to make me well,” I said softly.

“That’s not why,” he said stubbornly. “I love you, and…”

“I love you, too, but marriage is wrong. I could be no kind of wife to you,” I said gently. “And you know I couldn’t…we couldn’t…”

“No big deal,” he shrugged, and I had to laugh out loud.

“You give up sex? Puhleeze. And I would divorce you if you cheated on me,” I teased. “Alex, I appreciate it, but you know we don’t love each other like that. It wouldn’t be right.” I took the ring and looked at it. “It IS beautiful, though.”

“Then let me ask you this.” AJ came back up to sit next to me. “I want you to move in with me. It’s crazy for you to be here all alone. I have someone that I hire to take care of the place while I’m gone…I’ll just see if I can’t find a housekeeper with some sort of medical background.”

“AJ, I don’t think…”

“DON’T say no,” he begged. His eyes were very dark. “Howie and I have discussed this and…”

“HOWIE and you? It has nothing to do with you,” I snapped.

“It has EVERYTHING to do with us,” AJ interrupted. “WE’RE the ones who have to worry about you while we’re gone. Not just for a hundred hours, but for all the days we’re on tour. Please. I’m begging you. Seeing you so sick tonight really scared me.” His grasp on my hand was tight. “I would feel so much better.”

“Okay,” I finally relented. It WOULD be easier all around. “Okay.”

“Good.” He pulled me into his arms. “Thank you,” he whispered into my hair.

The Boys went on their Hundred Hour Tour and I started to pack up my life. It seemed so hard to leave my small place, yet I knew it was best all around. I needed to be where someone could take care of me when I needed it, and I secretly liked the idea of no longer living alone, though I’d never admit it.

They made it back without killing themselves, and after sleeping for almost an entire twenty-four hours, AJ came over to help me move my things. “Alex, I don’t know how much help I’m gonna be,” I admitted to him as he walked in the door. Ninety percent of my things were packed in boxes, but I had not been able to carry them from the various rooms in the house.

“I figured as much, which is why I brought reinforcements,” he said, motioning towards the front door. I peeked out and saw Brian and Nick getting out of Nick’s car as Howie and Kevin pulled in behind them.

“Alex, what…how…” I couldn’t believe this. They had just been gone for about four days, and here they were moving me out of my house. “You guys! What are you doing here?”

“If we let AJ move you, you’d still be here NEXT holiday season,” Nick said with a grin.

“Where should we start?” Kevin asked.

“Here,” I said with a sigh, throwing myself into his arms. “Thank you. Thanks all of you.” I hugged them all in turn, then started to give orders.

Brian laughed. “You’ve got your hands full here, Aje. And you thought AMANDA was bossy.” They started up the steps to the bedroom. I froze where I stood. I hadn’t thought about that.

“Alex.”

“Yes, baby?” He was stacking small boxes to carry out to his car.

“What about a girlfriend?”

“Well, if you have one, she’s welcome to move in, too.”

“Not ME.” I smacked him. “You. Won’t it be weird…I mean…”

“Girlie, you’re all the woman I can handle right now. If I wanna bring someone home, I’ll let you know. It’s cool, okay?”

“Okay,” I said worriedly. He kissed my cheek.

“Knock it off.” He piled up his boxes and went out the door.

Since I had given away or sold a lot of my larger things, the moving didn’t take more than four or five hours. AJ wouldn’t let me go along to his house; he wanted to take me over himself when we were done. I kissed each of the guys and hugged them hard as they left with the last loads. I slowly walked through my house, crying softly. This had been my home for almost six years, and it was hell to leave it.

“You gonna be okay?” AJ asked as he walked into what had been my bedroom.

“Yeah,” I said from my seat in the middle of the floor. “I’m sorry to intrude like this, Alex.”

“Honey, I INVITED you, remember? If you’d just marry me you wouldn’t feel so bad,” he said. I sighed. Every other day he proposed.

“AJ, when are you gonna get it into your thick head that I don’t WANT to marry you? I’d much rather live in sin.” I got up and kissed his cheek. “I like scandal.”

“Honey, living with me is gonna give you more scandal than you ever DREAMED of, I assure you.” AJ took my hand and led me out of my bedroom, and out of my house.

“Howie tried to get me to decorate in purple, but I told him it wasn’t my style,” AJ said as we walked down the hall to the first floor bedroom. “I put you down here in case…” he paused delicately, and I knew he meant in case I got too weak to climb the steps. “…in case I bring a girl home and we wanna get busy. You won’t hear it down here.”

“Gee, thanks,” I said rolling my eyes. We stopped in front of the bedroom door and I prayed. AJ’s “style” could get pretty crazy at times.

“Here goes.” He swung the door open and I sighed.

“Oh, Alex.” I wanted to tiptoe into this room. It was decorated in smoky blues and greys against cream-colored walls. A huge picture window overlooked the ocean. “I…I don’t know what to say.” I ran my hand over the fine wood of the desk. The desk matched the bed, nightstand and dressing table.

“There’s a walk-in closet over here, and a connecting bathroom through that door there.”

“Was this room ALWAYS like this?” I asked.

“No. I had some adjustments planned anyway, and they worked on it while I was gone.”

“Incredible,” I whispered, a tear falling. “Thank you, Alex. Thank you so much.” I couldn’t put into words what I was thinking. I could have, but it would have killed him to hear them. This is a room I could die in¸ I thought to myself.

No one could have warned me about living with Alexander McLean. Howie, Brian, Kevin…they all tried, but nothing was quite like the reality. He was messy, he was loud, he was crass. As loving and tender as he could be, he was a hellish roommate. There were many times in the first three weeks that I wanted to just smack him across the face, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because twenty minutes after we fought, he’d remind me somehow of what a warm, caring friend he truly was to me. And all I could do was forgive him.

“You ready, girlie?” AJ asked one morning as he brought me juice and toast in bed. I had had more radiation treatments the day before, and hardly anything was staying down.

“Are you sure this can’t wait?” I asked, taking a sip of the juice as he measured out my daily cocktail of medicines.

“Yes, I’m sure.” AJ handed me the pills and sat down. “Wanna tell me why you keep putting this off?”

“I dunno.” I shrugged. “I just don’t think it’s necessary, that’s all,” I said nonchalantly. I shoved the pills into my mouth and took a big gulp of juice. AJ took the glass, then held my hand.

“That’s not it at all.” His eyes were dark. “Honey, I feel exactly the same way.”

“And what way is that, Alex?” I snapped.

“You’re thinking that if you can put off hiring a nurse, you won’t need one. I feel that way, too. If I can just keep taking care of you myself, you won’t get sicker. The only problem is that soon I’ll have to be away for a while, and I refuse to leave you alone.”

“Alex, that’s…” I started to tell him it was insane, but then I realized it wasn’t. “That’s right,” I finished softly. I looked up into his caring brown eyes. “I love you, Alex.”

“I love you, too, Sugar.” He kissed my forehead and I winced. He knew I hated that name. “Okay, I have five people coming over before lunch. Can you get dressed and everything?”

“Yes,” I said obediently. That much I felt I was capable of.

“Okay. I need to make a list of what we’re looking for.” He whipped a notepad out of his back jeans pocket. “Medical background, decent cook, knows about nutrition…” he wrote as he talked. “Gives great head…”

“ALEX!” I said, giggling.

“Oh…sorry…” AJ pretended to scribble out the words. “Can I at least ask that she wear short skirts?”

“What if it’s a HE?” I pointed out. He shook his head.

“Nope. I only gave appointments to women.”

“Sexist pig.”

“Hey, sicko, I can’t have you lusting over anyone but me.” He looked at the notepad and sighed. “God, when did I get so damn responsible? Why can’t Howie do this stuff?”

“Because I’m not living with Howie and because we have to find someone that will put up with all your shit,” I said pleasantly. I had had a long talk with Howie soon after I moved. I wondered why AJ, and not my lifelong friend, had asked me to move in. Howie explained that with his new club, his time at home was limited, and AJ would be around more. I secretly believed that he was still unable to fully accept the situation, and not having it in front of him made it a lot easier.

“I don’t HAVE shit to put up with,” AJ said arrogantly. He walked to the door. “Get dressed. First appointment’s in twenty minutes.”

“Yes, sir,” I said, saluting him. He rolled his eyes and left the room.

“Now I know how the kids in Mary Poppins felt,” I said with a sigh as the fourth woman left the house. They had all been kind enough, but they were grandmotherly women over fifty who made me uncomfortable. Two of the four had actually talked about me as if I wasn’t there, and all of them acted like they weren’t planning on helping me stay alive, but instead planned on helping me accept dying. I didn’t want that, and I could tell AJ didn’t either.

“There’s one more, and no one is making us choose today. I can place another ad in the paper and we can get more replies,” AJ said. He stood up and stretched. We were seated in the living room. “Want anything?”

“I could drink a cup of tea,” I replied.

“Okay, Howie,” he said. “If she shows up early, get the door.”

“Yes, Alex. I wasn’t raised in a barn,” I said, annoyed. Alex had a habit of getting condescending when he was irritable.

“Moo,” he said, and darted into the kitchen before I could smack him. I stood as well, stretching my tight muscles. I was exhausted from doing absolutely nothing, and I hated it. I idly stared out the front window, and I slowly began to smile. A woman in faded blue jeans and a dark blue blouse stood on the sidewalk, quickly inhaling on a cigarette. Her dark black boots tapped a beat on the cement, and her long dark hair blew in the slight breeze. She was slender but not weak, and when she turned to face the house I saw determined intelligence on her pretty face. I drew back so she wouldn’t see me watching.

AJ returned to the living room with my tea just as the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it,” I said eagerly. I slowly made my way to the door and opened it. “Hello there. Are you here to interview?”

“Yes, I am.” Her dark eyes flew over me quickly. “And I guess you’re what I’m interviewing for, huh?”

“That would be me.” I held out my hand and introduced myself. “But actually my roommate is the one who would be interviewing and hiring you. His name is…”

“Alexander McLean. Yes, I know.” She pushed her hair back. “I’m Felicia Kent.”

“Come in, please, Felicia,” I said, stepping aside. I couldn’t wait to see Alex handle this one.

“And I’m hoping you’ll BOTH be interviewing me. Your opinion matters most in all this,” Felicia said as we walked to the living room.

“Alex, this is Felicia Kent.” I sat down on my chair as AJ shook her hand. I sat silently, waiting for the fireworks.

“Miss Kent, I…”

“First of all, Alex, it’s Mrs. Kent, but you may call me Felicia,” she said, and I couldn’t hide a smile. The other women had been very deferential to “Mr. McLean.”

“Okay, Felicia. As I was going to say, my friend here is doing fine now but I…”

“Do you happen to have a copy of your latest report from the doctor?” Felicia turned to me. I looked up in surprise.

“Um, yes. Right here.” I walked over to AJ’s desk and pulled it out.

“That’s confidential,” AJ said quickly, but we ignored him. Her eyes flickered over it.

“Um-hmmm. I see.” She closed it and looked up at me, though her words were directed at AJ. “Alex, let me set you straight about something. Yes, I’m a licensed caregiver, but more than that I have lived this scenario. My husband died in my arms five years ago of AIDS. I’ve seen it all and lived through it. I think that’s what she needs, not some sterile old bitch who’s gonna time how often she takes a shit.” I smothered a giggle with my hand. I loved her already. “I don’t do windows, and I’m not gonna clean anything more than the messes that I make. I’ll need a room of my own, something simple, quiet, and near her bedroom. Is that possible?”

“Yes,” AJ replied, grateful to get a word in.

“I understand you’re going to be away for a while?”

“Yes,” he said, and I was overcome with sadness. The tour was going to start very soon. “A few months…on tour.”

“Your friends…bandmates…will they visit here?”

“They do quite often.”

“I’d like to talk to them. There are some things that will NOT be happening in this house.”

“Such as?” AJ asked almost angrily.

“No smoking in the house. If you get anything done such as fumigation or painting, she’ll have to be moved until the air clears. Every phone will be programmed with her doctor’s number as well as emergency numbers, and I MUST be able to reach you and your friends at all times. Understand?”

“Felicia…Mrs. Kent…I haven’t even hired you yet,” AJ finally protested. She looked over at me and barely winked. She knew she was hired.

“Fine. I’ll consider this interview concluded. You have my number.” She put a friendly hand on my shoulder as she went to the door.

AJ stared at me. “I cannot believe the balls of that woman,” he gasped. “SHE’S the one that was being interviewed, not us!”

“She wasn’t interviewing US, Alex,” I said, finally able to laugh out loud. I laughed until tears streamed down my cheeks. “She was interviewing you. Where’s her number?”

“You can’t mean…”

“I do. I want her. I want her here as soon as possible. Oh, Alex, she’s wonderful! If she’s here while you’re gone I’ll never feel afraid.”

He stared at me. Never once had I admitted to him that I was scared. He knelt by my chair and gave me a big hug. “Okay, honey, I’ll hire her. But can I at least wait until tomorrow to call her, just to make her squirm?” I laughed and nodded, hugging him back.

One week later

“But I’m not tired!” I grumbled as I pulled off my shorts and climbed into bed.

“Do you WANT to go to this dinner thing or not?” Felicia asked as she pulled the covers up over me. “You’re acting like a six year old.”

“You’re TREATING me like one,” I huffed.

“You’re ACTING like one, that’s why.” She raised an eyebrow. “You’ve been doing so well, but tonight will wear you out, I assure you. Nap now and you’ll feel MUCH better tonight.”

“But I want to see my friends!” I whined yet again, then laughed. I DID sound like a six-year-old.

“You’ll see them tonight. I need to talk to them, anyway. That’s why they’re coming over at all.” She snapped off the light.

“You probably just want to hit on them all,” I said, then buried my face in the pillow to hide the laughter.

“Oh, GOD. Hardly. The last thing I need in my life right now is a man. Your buddy Alex is bad enough. GOOD NIGHT, young lady.”

“Night, Felicia.” I heard the door close behind her and sighed.

The first week had been rocky. True to their first meeting Felicia and Alex had fought like cats and dogs, but I got the idea that they secretly enjoyed their clashes. Both of them had only my best interests at heart, and I thought that Alex was simply jealous of the fact that someone else was around to take care of me. He knew, however, that Felicia was a trained professional, and I’d need her when he left on the tour that would be starting all too soon.

I heard the front door open and close, and I pouted. I could hear Howie’s voice, then Nick, then Brian and Kevin. I wanted to be out there with my friends. We were all going to Nick’s for dinner that night, and Felicia had insisted that I rest so I could have a nice time. I thought up a lame excuse to go ask her a question and slipped out of bed, pulling on my shorts once more. I quietly opened my door and tiptoed down the hall. I could hear their voices coming from the study. I stood outside the door, peeking through the crack where the door hinged, waiting for my moment.

“I’m glad you guys could all come over,” I heard Alex say. “This is Felicia Kent. She’s gonna be taking care of things around here. This is Kevin, that’s Howie, Brian, and Nick.”

“Howie. You’re her best friend, right?”

“Um, yeah,” Howie said. He sounded nervous. I heard Felicia sigh.

“I asked you guys to come over here because there are just some things I think you need to know. I’m sure you’re not all as close to her as Howie and AJ here, but from what she’s said she considers you all close friends.”

“I love her like a sister,” I heard Brian say, and I smiled.

“Good, because she’ll need that love. She’ll need you all to be strong, and let me tell you, it’s gonna get damn hard.”

“My dad passed away from cancer…I know it’s not gonna be easy,” Kevin said, and Felicia sighed again.

“Then you have some idea of what this is like. She’s gonna end up being connected to all kinds of machines, just to help her breathe, help her eat, help her deal with the pain. She’ll start to lose weight uncontrollably as the disease ravages her body. She’ll lose control of basic body functions, down to being able to go to the bathroom.”

“Oh…God…” I heard Nick whisper. I bit my fist to keep from crying out, sorry I had ever gotten out of bed. I wanted to walk away but I couldn’t move.

“She’ll hate you all. She’ll hate herself. She’ll bitch and moan and scream at you all to go away and leave her the fuck alone, because she won’t want you to see her like this, and she’ll think she’s helping you out in the long run. Whatever you do don’t listen to her. She’ll need your love up until the very end, whenever that may be.”

“Do you…” Howie’s voice cracked and he cleared it a few times. “Do you have any idea…um…how long…”

“Every case is different, Howie. She could go on for years, or it could be months. She’s told me, AJ, that you wanted to cancel your tour?”

“Um, yes, I was going to mention that to the guys,” I heard AJ reply.

“Don’t. Keep everything as normal as possible. It would only hurt her more to know that you are rearranging your lives around the fact that she may die. I realize you can’t be strong all the time, you’re only human. Just try your best to keep things normal, okay?”

I heard murmured assents and finally was able to tiptoe back to my room. I climbed into bed and stared at the ceiling, unable to close my eyes and sleep. I hated what I had just heard, and I hated Felicia for saying it. These were my friends and she had intentionally said things to hurt them. The fact that it was all true was not something I wanted to think about. I heard the door click and I quickly closed my eyes, feigning sleep.

I felt someone kneel by the bed, and a soft hand traced the side of my face. “Oh, baby,” I heard Howie say. “I love you so much…and I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to live with me. I just…I love you…you’re my other half…and the thought of you…” Howie choked back a sob and it took every single bit of strength I had not to cry with him. “I promise I’ll be strong,” he vowed. “And you’ll never see me down, and I’ll always smile for you. I promise,” he repeated, standing up. He kissed my forehead and left the room.

“But I ALWAYS put the star on top,” I said stubbornly. Alex stood in front of me, arms crossed over his chest.

“She’s right, Aje. She helps me decorate MY tree every year, and SHE always puts the angel on top of mine,” Howie said helpfully. I smiled at him, then went back to glaring at my roommate.

“You shouldn’t be up on that ladder. Felicia, tell her she shouldn’t be up on that ladder,” AJ said to Felicia, looking up at the top of our eight foot tall Christmas tree. It was Christmas Eve, and he had been a real brat recently, treating me like I was made of glass. True, sometimes I FELT like I was made of glass, but I hated him treating me that way.

“I’m going out for a smoke.” Felicia grabbed her jacket and went out the door, throwing me a gorgeous smile over her shoulder.

“Um, I’ll go with you,” Howie said quickly. “You two fight it out.” He followed Felicia out of the house.

Alex and I stopped our disagreement long enough to grin happily at each other. Howie and Felicia had gotten to be quite good friends since she had come to take care of me, and AJ and I pushed the relationship whenever we could. Felicia kept saying she was NOT interested in a boyfriend, and Howie kept saying he was too busy for a girlfriend, but he still found all kinds of excuses to come to our house and she still found all kinds of excuses to talk to him.

“Alex, please,” I finally whispered. “Putting the star on the top of a tree starts Christmas for me.” I gave him the full force of my big eyes and I knew I would win.

“Okay. Be careful,” he warned, holding the ladder steady. I drew my robe around me and slowly went up the rungs. I got dizzy about halfway up, but I took a deep breath and made it to the top. He handed me the star and I reached across the branches, carefully attaching the beautiful silver star to the top of the tree. I inhaled deeply, enjoying the thick scent of pine that could only mean Christmas.

“Who’s that angel on top of the tree?” A voice asked, and I almost fell into the tree.

“Nick! God, scare us to death, why don’t you?” AJ growled. I felt strong hands on my waist and knew it was Nick. AJ wasn’t tall enough. He helped me down and gave me a hug.

“Merry Christmas, little Angel.” Nick kissed my forehead. “Um, I thought you were going to church.” He looked at my robe quizzically.

“I am. Midnight mass. I still have about two hours to get ready.” I smiled up at Nick. He had been visiting a lot lately, and I knew he was lonely. He and his girlfriend had broken up yet again, and since his family was out in California he spent a lot of time with us. I didn’t mind; Nick always made me laugh. “You coming?”

“I’m not Catholic,” he said.

“Church would do you good,” I said pointedly. “Besides, I’m not Catholic either. Howie has just gone on and on about how beautiful Christmas mass is, so we’re going. Alex, too.”

“YOU?” Nick looked at AJ in amazement. “Won’t you like spontaneously combust if you enter a house of God?”

“Fuck you, Nickolas,” AJ muttered. “I’m gonna go shower.” He walked over to me and kissed my cheek. “Tree looks gorgeous, Sugar. I couldn’t have done this good.”

“Don’t call me that,” I said, but I smiled. Our tree DID look good. AJ and I had fought tooth and nail the entire time, over EVERYTHING. He wanted a fake tree so he wouldn’t have to clean up pine needles. I won. He wanted white lights because they looked classier. I won with colored lights. He wanted the tree to be decorated with gold tinsel and an angel on top. I won with silver garland and a star. “I think I’m gonna sit here and admire it for a while.”

“Cool.” AJ trotted up the steps to his bathroom. Nick and I settled onto the sofa.

“So, what are the others up to tonight?” I asked.

“They’re all back in Kentucky,” Nick answered. “They have this huge family Christmas thing there,” he said wistfully.

“You going to California tomorrow?” I asked. He slowly shook his head.

“Nah. Mom and Aaron are in Japan, and I just…I don’t like Christmas with my family unless the WHOLE family is there.”

“Be part of our family,” I said suddenly, putting a hand on his knee. “AJ’s mom is coming over, and Felicia will be here. Come in the morning and stay all day.”

“I don’t want to intrude,” Nick began, but I shushed him.

“Nicky, please. Come over. Actually, go home now, grab your stuff, get clothes for church, and stay overnight. We have your gifts here anyway. Howie’s gonna stop by in the afternoon, it will be fun.”

“If you really want me to,” Nick said, smiling broadly. I smiled back, then grew serious.

“I need you here anyway, Nick. AJ has been crazy lately, treating me like I’m made of expensive crystal or something.” I swallowed deeply. “He’s been more depressed than me lately. I made a joking comment yesterday about how I should get my way with the tree because it may be my last Christmas, and he went ballistic. Locked himself in the bedroom.” I smiled at the childish way Alex had behaved. “At least I got my way with the tree.”

“He loves you,” Nick said. “He doesn’t like to hear that stuff.”

“Howie loves me too and he’s okay with it,” I protested.

“No, babe, AJ LOVES you. He’s IN love with you. Can’t you see it?”

I shook my head. I didn’t WANT to see it. “You’re seeing things.” I stood. “Go home. Get your stuff. Get ready for church and come back.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Nick stood up and went to the door just as Howie and Felicia came back in. “I’ll be back soon.”

“He’s coming back?” Howie asked. I nodded.

“Nick is gonna spend Christmas with us.”

“Cool,” Felicia said, going down the hall to her room. Howie frowned and I smiled.

“Nick’s coming over?”

“Don’t worry, Howie. She’s all yours.” I walked by him, kissing his cheek.

“Huh?” Howie looked confused. I just laughed and continued on down the hall to my room.

Howie was right; mass was beautiful. There was a spiritualness that I hadn’t felt in a long time, and for the first time in months I felt a sense of peace. I was tired because of the hour, but inside I was awake and noticing everything. I stood between AJ and Nick with Nick’s arm around me as we lit candles and held them. It was a time for prayer, and instead of praying for myself I prayed for the people in the pew with me. I prayed for Felicia, asking that she find someone to take the place of the man she lost. I prayed for Howie, asking that he find a friend in Felicia and possibly something more, so losing me wouldn’t be so hard. I prayed for Nick, asking for something to alleviate his loneliness. And Alex…there was so much I wanted for him. I gave thanks for the fact that I lived with him, and for his generous sweet nature. I asked that he be given peace, and I silently begged that what Nick said wasn’t true. I didn’t want Alex to be in love with me. In other times, yes, I would have LOVED it, but not now.

A yawn almost split my head open as we walked out of the church. I stumbled and AJ caught my arm. “You okay?”

“Just tired,” I sighed, stumbling again.

“You should have napped today. All that business with the tree,” Felicia grumbled.

“God, between you and Alex I should just stay in bed,” I snapped, tears springing to my eyes. I was so fed up with being tired and sick and babied.

“We’re just worried about you,” AJ began, and I held up a hand, gasping as I stumbled again.

“I don’t need you to worry about me,” I retorted, then squealed as Nick swept me up into his arms. I knew he wanted to avoid a confrontation.

“Easy way to solve this problem.” He carried me to the car with me giggling all the way. I looked over Nick’s shoulder at AJ, who was staring at us openmouthed. Was he actually shocked? The idea made me giggle harder.

Felicia helped me change out of the dress I had worn and I climbed into bed, totally exhausted. “I’m sorry if you thought we pick on you,” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed. I was surprised at the softness of her tone. “We care about you and we want you to feel as good as possible.”

“I know,” I sighed, picking at the bedspread. “I just hate being such a bother.”

“Hey, I get paid for you to bother me,” she said with a smile. “And the others love you.”

“Speaking of the others, didn’t Howie look good in his suit?” I asked. She frowned.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“That green shirt really made his eyes stand out, I thought.”

“Red. The shirt was red,” she said before she thought, and I hid a smile.

“Right, red. My bad.”

“Good night,” she said as she closed the door.

“Merry Christmas,” I called, and she smiled at me.

Two seconds later the door opened. Alex walked in, still in his dark blue suit. The tie was gone and the shirt was unbuttoned. “Asleep yet?” He whispered.

“No,” I whispered back. “You’re not mad that I invited Nick to stay over, are you?”

“Nah. Christmas is more fun with lots of people around the tree. And I know he’s lonely.” AJ knelt by the bed and took my hand. “You looked so pretty tonight.”

“Thanks,” I said softly. The dress was new and it had been very exciting to actually be able to go shopping for it. I started to say more and sneezed. AJ’s eyes widened. “Don’t worry…just a tickle in my nose,” I lied. “You looked very handsome yourself. You should dress up more often.”

“Maybe I will. Maybe we could go out for dinner sometime.”

“Maybe,” I hedged. I didn’t eat anything exciting anymore, since most foods seemed to upset my stomach. “I enjoyed going to church tonight,” I said, changing the subject. “It was beautiful.”

“Definitely,” he agreed.

“It gave me this sense of peace…I actually felt better than I have in a while,” I admitted. He smiled gently.

“Me too. And I prayed so hard for you. I felt like someone heard it.”

“Don’t, Alex. Don’t waste your prayers on me. Pray for you, pray for Howie, pray for anyone…but not me.”

“Prayers for you are NOT wasted,” AJ snapped, and I sighed. “Well, I’ll let you get to bed. I plan on waking you up at six to open gifts.”

“That’s only four hours away!” I exclaimed, laughing.

“Yeah, well, you’d better get to sleep then.” He started to get up, then paused. “You know, you could give me the best Christmas present ever by saying yes.”

“Alex…” I sighed.

“Wait. It would just make it so much better. I’d love knowing you were my wife, that you were able to have a husband.”

“Alex, that’s no kind of marriage. I don’t want to be married just to say I was married. It’s for all the wrong reasons. And marrying me won’t keep me here. I love you and that is all I can do.”

“I love you, too, Sugar,” AJ whispered softly. “So damn much. I was so dumb to let you slip out of that bathroom that day.”

He had never mentioned this. “Alex, don’t. You’ll only make yourself sad.” I stroked his hair. “We’re friends now, and that’s how it should be. Don’t fall in love with me, because then I’ll have to fall in love with you to keep you company, and how miserable would we be then?”

Alex laughed. “I can imagine that loving me would be a pain in the ass. I’m not easy to live with.”

“TELL me about it,” I said, rolling my eyes, and he poked me. I started to laugh, and then I coughed. AJ helped me sit up as coughs racked my body.

“No, dammit. NO. It’s Christmas. Not now. Not again,” I heard him whisper. “Dammit, can’t we have one fucking DAY of happiness?”

“We will, Alex, it’s just a cough,” I insisted. I leaned against him, loving the feeling of being held. “It’s Christmas Day. It WILL be happy.”

“Is this a private party or can anyone join in?” Nick poked his head in the door. AJ gave him an annoyed look, but I smiled at him.

“The bigger orgy the better,” I said, then laughed. I coughed once more, and I saw Nick’s eyes meet AJ’s. “Oh, stop it you two. You act like I’m dying or something.” I laughed again, and I could feel AJ’s anger.

“I hate it when you joke about that.”

“Oh, lighten up, Aje.” Nick walked across the room and carefully flopped down next to me. “I wanna sleep in here. Can I?”

“No,” AJ said immediately. “She needs her rest.”

“Of course you can, Nicky,” I replied, giving AJ a look. Nick let out a whoop and stood up, pulling off his tshirt. He wore a pair of shorts, and his feet were cold as he slid into the king-sized bed with me. “There’s room for you in here, too,” I told AJ, and there was. He hardly weighed anything, and I wasn’t much to look at anymore in the weight department.

“No. I am not getting into bed with you and Nick.”

“C’mon, Aje. You KNOW you want in on this,” Nick teased, pulling me tight against him and kissing my cheek. I threw a leg up over Nick’s and pretended to grind up next to him.

“Okay…just to be a chaperone for you two kids,” AJ said. “I gotta go grab some pants. I’ll be back. BEHAVE,” he ordered, and Nick and I laughed.

I stayed snuggled up against Nick, and we talked for a while. I started to doze off when I heard AJ come into the room. “Quiet,” Nick said softly.

“Is she asleep?” I felt Alex climb into bed next to me, and he rolled over to lay spooned up behind me.

“I think so,” Nick whispered. “Did you ask her?”

“Yeah…she said no. Smart girl,” AJ replied, then he sighed. “I hate this. I hate seeing her sick, I hate seeing her frustrated, I hate when she jokes about it.”

“If it helps her, let her do it,” Nick said.

“I know.” I felt AJ kiss the back of my head. “But it makes it real then.”

“It IS real,” Nick said. “Aje, no one knows more about living in an alternate reality than me. But this we can’t kick under the rug.”

“I know,” AJ said, sighing again. “I just feel so guilty.”

“You do? Why?”

AJ hesitated. No one had ever considered the idea of John, and we had never mentioned it. “If I had scooped her up for myself, this never would have happened.”

“And you would have driven her insane and we would have had to commit her to an asylum. So either way it would have been bad.” I could hear the smile in Nick’s voice.

“Shut up, Junior.”

“Keep it down. Go to sleep.” I felt Nick pull me in tighter.

“Merry Christmas, Nick,” AJ said softly. He kissed my neck. “Merry Christmas, Sugar.”

January, 2001

“God, Alex, you’re acting like you’re never coming back or something,” I said, annoyed. AJ was piling his bags by the door, and every five seconds he came over to me and hugged me or touched my hair or kissed my cheek. “Isn’t it time for you to go yet?”

“I’ll miss you, Sugar,” he said, smiling down at where I lay on the sofa. Felicia was curled up on a chair by the window, anxiously watching the cars drive by. AJ and I exchanged looks. She was waiting for Howie, though she’d rather die than admit it. All the guys were stopping by to grab AJ on their way to the airport.

“I’ll miss you, too, and I know you’ll call and email and all that nine million times, so I feel like you aren’t even leaving,” I scolded. Actually, I HATED the thought of he and Howie and the others being so far away for so long. “And you’ll be back by the middle of March. It’s not even two months, ya big baby.”

Felicia suddenly jumped up and we knew they had arrived. “Quit calling me names,” Alex pouted, grabbing two of his suitcases and walking out the door. I sighed and let my head fall back against the sofa. Felicia noticed and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m fine. Just tired,” I said automatically. She raised the other eyebrow but said nothing. Nick, Kevin and Brian came in. Felicia looked disappointed.

“Hey, girl,” Brian sat down next to me on the sofa, giving me his sunny smile.

“Hey, you. Leighanne glad to get you out of her hair?”

“I think so. I think she wants to redecorate the house, and she’s afraid I’ll say no to her suggestions…so she’ll just do it while I’m gone,” he said cheerfully. Kevin smiled at me and sat down across the room. Nick plopped down on the floor by the sofa. I tousled his golden hair.

“Hey, little boy.”

“Nothing about me is little,” Nick bragged, puffing up his chest. We all laughed.

“What’s so funny,” Howie said, coming in the door ahead of AJ.

“Nick was just telling us how big he is,” Kevin said. Nick blushed.

“I see,” Howie said, looking at Nick oddly. “How are you?” He asked me.

“Good.” We sat in silence for a minute.

“I hate to do this…but our plane leaves in an hour,” Kevin said finally.

“Right,” I said sadly. Nick helped me stand up. I hugged Brian and Kevin, then turned to Nick. “Nicky, do me a favor,” I whispered as he hugged me. “Watch over Alex and Howie. Be my little guardian angel, okay?”

“Of course,” he said, pulling back. He studied my eyes. “What’s up?”

“I just…I feel weird about this…and I would feel better if you’d keep an eye on them. AJ will drink too much, and Howie will worry.”

“I’ll try my best,” Nick promised, kissing my forehead. Howie was next. His hand stroked my back as we hugged.

“Please take it easy,” he begged. “You always wanna do too much.”

“I learned it from you,” I teased, trying to make him smile. I was shocked to see tears in his eyes. “I feel fine, Howie, I promise,” I said, smiling up at him. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” He squeezed me hard then finally released me, blinking hard to keep the tears back. Everyone shuffled outside, leaving AJ and I alone. I sat down on the sofa, unable to look at him. I didn’t want him to see me cry. He did, of course, and sat beside me.

“If anything happens, you have that witch call me, okay?”

“She’s not a witch, Alex. You’re just a brat,” I sniffled. He took my hands in his, kissing the palms. He hesitated for a moment, looking at my fingers. I wore my mother’s class ring on my right hand as always, and for the first time he noticed that I had thread around the back because my fingers had grown too thin to wear it normally. I pulled my hands away slowly. “Get going.”

“I love you so much. Promise you’ll be here when I get back,” he said, and I looked at him.

“Alex, I can’t…”

“Just say it, okay?” His voice was thick with emotion and it only made me cry more. “I know you can’t promise…”

“I promise, Alex McLean. I promise I will be here for you when you get back.”

“And will you marry me?”

I giggled through my tears. “Alex, if I say maybe will you shut the hell up about it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then. Maybe.”

AJ let out a whoop and pulled me close. Before I could push him away, he planted a long passionate kiss on my lips. It had been forever since I had been kissed like that, and to be honest, I really enjoyed it. “Maybe. I’ll hold you to that.” We stood and looked out the window, gasping simultaneously. Howie had just grabbed Felicia, giving her a kiss similar to the one Alex had just given me. She looked as shocked as we were. Kevin, Brian and Nick chuckled and elbowed each other as Howie pulled back, a shit-eating grin on his face. AJ and I couldn’t help but grin as well.

“Go,” I said, poking him.

“Okay. I’ll call from the hotel.”

“Okay.” He gave me one last hug and finally darted out the door. I waved to the others, and watched as the van pulled out of the driveway and went down the street. I watched Felicia sigh and slowly walk back into the house. I was grinning stupidly at her when she came into the room.

“Don’t say a fucking word, okay?”

“But Felicia…Howie kissed you.”

“And? He was saying goodbye.” Felicia glared at me.

“Ha. That was some goodbye. It’s about damn time you two got around to something. I thought I’d be dead before you guys even held hands, for God’s sake,” I said, continuing to grin.

“You’re a bitch,” Felicia replied, helping me pull a blanket up over me as I got settled on the sofa.

“Thank you,” I said sweetly. “Alex proposed again.”

“And? Please tell me you told him to fuck off,” she begged.

“I said maybe.”

She froze. “You WHAT? Do you know how big a mistake this is? You’d be getting married for all the wrong reasons. It wouldn’t even BE a marriage. It…”

“Felicia, calm down. I said it so he’d stop asking. He said he’d stop if I said maybe. So I said it.”

“Good. I KNEW you had more sense than that.” She sat on a footstool and looked at me closely. “It’s getting bad, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I played with a frayed edge of the blanket.

“My room is right next door, bonehead. I heard you moaning in your sleep. The pain is bad.”

“Sometimes,” I admitted in a whisper. “I couldn’t say anything while they were here, or Alex never would have left. I WANTED him to leave,” I told her. “I’d like to move out while he’s gone.”

“You want to WHAT?” Felicia stared at me as if I had grown a second head.

“I want to leave. I want to be out of his hair. I want him to get on without me. If I’m not around him twenty-four seven, maybe it will be easier on him.”

“Girl, you are crazy,” she said, but I knew she understood.

“He’s a pain in the ass to live with anyway, you know that. I have my own money, I can pay you myself,” I insisted. “And I need another favor. After tomorrow, when any of them call, I want you to tell them I can’t come to the phone.” Felicia’s mouth opened and closed. “I really don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to hear about all they’re seeing and doing.”

“Do you think…”

“I’ve thought about it long and hard and it’s what I want. And you can call the bank and check…I DO have money to pay you.”

“Fuck paying me,” she snapped. “I’m gonna make you something to eat.” She stood.

“Grab the paper, will ya? I wanna check the rental section.”

Felicia said nothing, but she got the paper from the kitchen table and tossed it at me. I sighed as I flipped to the classifieds. This would be hard but it was for the best.

I held true to my word. When Alex called that night, I told him I was fine and chatted with him a bit. When Howie called the next day, I was sunshiny and happy. That was it, though. Any time they called after that, Felicia told them I was asleep, or bathing, or we didn’t answer the phone at all. She occasionally returned their calls, just so they didn’t think I had really gotten sick or something, but otherwise I did NOT talk to any of them after the first week in February. I wasn’t about to, either.

I had found a small two-bedroom apartment downtown, and paid first and last month’s rent on it. We could move in on March first. Felicia and I started to pack my things, and she let me know in no uncertain terms how stupid she thought the whole situation was.

“You’re being a selfish bitch,” she said one day as I handed her books from a bookshelf. “You’re only thinking of yourself. You think you can die easier if they’re not around.”

“I am not!” I yelled, shocked. “I’m thinking of THEM. I don’t want them to have to see this.” I paused to catch my breath. Pains were getting worse when I slept, I hated to eat because it hurt and came back up anyway, and I was always short of breath. All the pills in the world weren’t helping, and I was planning on approaching the idea of no more medication to Felicia as soon as she stopped bitching.

“Finally.” She leaned back on her heels and smiled at me. “All this time you’ve bitched about AJ or Howie. You’ve finally admitted it’s nothing they’ve done wrong.”

“Yes, it is. I hate living with Alex. He…” I realized I had been caught. “Okay, fine,” I grumbled. “So what? It’s because I love them.”

“They won’t put up with it,” she told me. I threw a book in the box.

“Well, if they don’t know until it’s too late, they can’t stop me, now can they?” I stomped off to my room and slammed the door. I slid onto the floor, sobbing. I hated not talking to them. I even missed Nick. I just…knew…it was for the best. I held my side, gasping for breath. I knew better than to let myself cry like this. I made myself stop crying and stood up. I jumped as the phone rang, and opened my door a crack.

“Howie, hi!” Felicia said with a grin. I knew that my stubbornness was keeping her from talking to him; she didn’t want to talk to him if I wouldn’t talk to him. “Um…she’s sleeping. Yes, Howie, I know. She sleeps a lot. All the meds. Oh, she’s been kinda under the weather but she’ll be fine soon.” I saw her lean against the wall. “Me? Oh, I’m fine. I miss you, though.”

I crept back into my room and shut the door.

On February 21^st, I was packing up the last of my things except for the complete necessities. A moving van was stopping by the next day to put it all together. Felicia was out grocery shopping and I was actually alone. I went up the stairs to AJ’s room and stood in the door. I wondered, if things were different, if I ever would have shared the large bed. I wondered if he would have ever made love to me as the woman he loved, and not a quick lay. A tear slid down my cheek. I would never know that kind of lovemaking.

“What the FUCK is going on here?” A voice behind me yelled and I screamed, clutching the doorframe. I gasped for breath and turned around.

“Alex…what…what are you…” I panted, my chest heaving. AJ’s eyes grew wide.

“AJ, you dumbfuck, are you trying to KILL her?” Howie growled. He helped me onto AJ’s bed and held me as I caught my breath.

“Go away,” I finally snapped.

“We just flew across the fucking COUNTRY from Denver and you say go away?” AJ snapped.

“I don’t…want to talk…to you…” I turned my head and wormed from Howie’s embrace.

“Why are there boxes downstairs?” AJ demanded.

“Aje, calm down,” Howie said. “Maybe Felicia…”

“Those aren’t Felicia’s things.” AJ was furious.

“Go back…to Denver…go to the tour…bastard…” I turned my head, tears streaming. They were both such beautiful sights to my eyes, but I couldn’t drag them into the grave with me. “I thought you’d get the idea…”

“What…that you’re being a grand bitch and stopped talking to us?” AJ snapped, coming over to grab my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Were you moving out? Were you?” AJ shook me by the shoulders. I refused to answer him, glaring up at him.

“Aje, stop it! You’re gonna hurt her!” Howie yelled. Felicia hurried into the room and grabbed Howie’s arm.

“Howie, come on. He won’t hurt her.” She started to lead him out.

“What’s going on?” He asked. Felicia closed the door behind them.

I struggled to sit up. “Yes, I’m moving. Moving out of this hellhole so you can turn it back into party central. It’s what you want, isn’t it?” My voice bit with all the venom I could muster. If I could have, I would have strode across the room, but my anger was sapping all my strength.

Alex drew back like I had slapped him. “Is that what you think?”

“Do you even care what I think? All you and Felicia care about is what YOU think. When YOU think I should eat, sleep, bathe, anything! I’m sick of it. I’m moving out, and eventually I’m letting her go.” This was a lie, but he didn’t need to know that.

“These drugs are obviously fucking with your head,” he said, staring at me.

“Good, then I can be all fucked up like you,” I said sweetly. AJ drew back his hand to slap me, but at the last minute he stopped and punched the wall instead.

“Holy SHIT that hurt!” He screamed, grabbing his fist with the other hand and wincing. I had to do everything I could not to bathe that hand with kisses.

“Alex, leave,” I said in a dull voice. “I’m leaving, and then you’ll be done with this. We all will. And tell the others to quit fucking calling me. It’s best all around.”

“Fine, if that’s what you want.” AJ strode to the door, still rubbing his knuckles. “I…” he froze at the door and turned around to look at me. “Best all around?” He almost ran back to the bed, kneeling in front of me. “You’re doing this for us, aren’t you? You don’t mean a word of it.”

“I DO,” I insisted. “I hate living here, and you ARE fucked in the head.” I sniffed, tears starting to come without my permission. He raised an eyebrow. “Okay, maybe I don’t hate it here. But you are fucked in the head.” He smiled and said nothing. “Alex…I…I don’t want to be a…burden to you…and…and…” I sobbed so hard I could hardly breathe.

“Relax,” he ordered.

“I…wanted to go…away so you and Howie and Nick didn’t have to…have to watch me…” I looked at him helplessly. “Watch me die,” I finally finished. He put his hands on my face, cradling it.

“Baby, listen to me. We know we don’t have to. We could turn our backs on you in five seconds flat if we wanted to. But we DON’T want to. We want to love you and take care of you for all the time you have left.” His thumbs brushed away tears. “You pushing me away hurt so bad…but I know why you did it and I only love you more for it.”

“Oh, Alex…I’m so sorry…” I brought his injured hand to my face, kissing it desperately. “I thought I was helping you.”

“It’s okay, love.” He drew me into his arms and kissed my forehead.

“What ARE you doing here?” I asked against his shoulder.

“We got sick of Felicia blowing us off, so me and Howie flew out here to find out what was up. We have a concert in Vancouver on the twenty-third, so we kinda have to haul ass back.”

“You came all the way back because I wouldn’t talk to you?” I whispered.

“Well…yeah. We thought maybe you had…uh…died…and she wouldn’t tell us,’ he said softly.

“God, Alex,” I said, ashamed at what I had done. “I’m sorry.”

“No more sorries. Let’s get up and get you downstairs. I’m hungry and I see your Nurse Evil has come back from the store.” I shook my head and allowed him to help me up. For the first time he noticed how weak I was (I could see it in his eyes) but he said nothing. When we opened the door, Howie and Felicia were in a passionate embrace in the hallway. “Cool. Maybe we can have a double wedding,” AJ said, and they pulled apart.

“I’m not marrying you, Alex,” I said as we went down the steps.

“You said maybe,” he reminded me, and we continued to joke as we walked downstairs.

AJ and Howie returned to their tour, and the Backstreet Boys continued to wow every fan that came to a concert. Nick sent me a video of one of the shows, and I was really impressed. They had come so far. I teased Felicia as we sat on my bed and watched. I didn’t do much except lay around anymore. My strength was almost non-existent, and I felt better laying around. If I didn’t try to do anything, I didn’t find out that I couldn’t do it anymore, and I didn’t get depressed.

“So, when the tour is over, are you and Howie gonna move in together?” I asked her. She actually blushed, so I knew they had discussed it.

“I can’t. You know that. I need to be here for you.”

“Felicia, you don’t have to be here twenty-four seven. You can just be here during the day, and at night, if I need you I’ll call.”

“No way. My place is here with you,” she retorted.

“Whatever,” I said, rolling my eyes. I didn’t think I needed her as much as SHE thought I needed her. I was proven wrong about this a few nights later.

I woke up around two in the morning, unable to breathe. I had had these attacks before, but after about ten minutes, my heart calmed down and I was able to breathe clearly. Not this night. This time I began to cough and couldn’t stop. I couldn’t even stop long enough to get out of bed. Before I knew what was happening, the light came on and Felicia was by my side.

“I called an ambulance,” she said in a quiet soothing voice. “I’m sure it’s just the pneumonia coming back, but I really think we should get you in to the hospital, okay?” I nodded, unable to fight even if I wanted to. “And I called your doctor…she’s gonna meet us there.” I smiled at her gratefully between coughs, realizing that if I had been alone I wouldn’t have been able to call anyone.

She managed to get a pair of shorts on me under my nightshirt before the paramedics arrived. She rushed to her own room to dress as they got me ready, and she was holding my hand as they wheeled me to the ambulance. “Alex…don’t…” I managed to croak, and she understood. We had already talked about it. If something like this happened, she was NOT to call AJ or Howie unless it was absolutely serious. As we rode in the ambulance, she discussed my situation with the paramedics, and I was surprised at how much she knew about how I suffered at night. It was nice to just lay there and not fight. I could just relax and let them take care of me.

My doctor was waiting in the emergency room when we arrived. “You know, I kinda was sleeping,” Dr. Greene said with a grin. I blushed. “And I wasn’t alone, either.”

“Sorry,” I whispered.

“No problem. My cats will forgive me. Let’s see what we have here, and get you on some oxygen.” She patted my shoulder. Before I knew it I was hooked up to so many tubes and machines I lost count. Whatever they gave me worked, however, and the horrible coughing ceased. I accepted the oxygen mask with a grateful sigh, and soon I fell asleep.

When I awakened, it was morning. Felicia was asleep on the chair by the bed, and when I stirred, her dark eyes fluttered open. “Hey,” she said, smiling. She looked exhausted but glad that I was awake.

“Hey,” I said through the mask. I slowly reached up and removed it, taking in a breath of normal air. I quickly choked, but it was a small cough. She laughed.

“Damn hospital air will get you every time.”

“What did the doctor say?”

Felicia actually looked uncomfortable. “Well…um…she said she’d stop by once you were awake, she’s in the hospital on rounds. Why don’t I go let the desk know you’re up?” She darted out of the room before I could reply. I stared at the ceiling, thinking about the guys. It was the beginning of March and they were in Las Vegas. Vegas. Somewhere I had always wanted to go. Kevin had promised to buy me one of those little slot machines, and I planned on holding him to it.

Felicia soon returned. “Dr. Greene?” I asked.

“She’s on this floor. She should be down here in about ten minutes,” Felicia replied. She started chatting about this and that in an offhand way that was totally unlike her. Felicia didn’t babble. I went along with her, asking about Howie to make her blush. They were so cute together.

“And how’s my patient?” Dr. Greene breezed into the room. She was an unmarried woman in her early 40s, and I really liked her.

“Okay. Curious,” I replied. Felicia and the doctor exchanged glances. The doctor sat on the edge of the bed.

“Well, what I think you need to know is…”

“No, Doctor.” I looked up at her unwaveringly. “I don’t really care what you THINK I need to know. What I need to know is everything.”

She looked at me for a long moment. “Okay. This is how it is.” She began to slowly tell me my condition, avoiding long-winded medical terminology and getting to the point. None of it was big news; I had expected this for a while, yet nothing had prepared me for the punch in the stomach that I felt when she told me. Basically, it was the beginning of the end. Felicia had been right, this was another wave of pneumonia, except that my body was not prepared to fight it. If and when I finally got over it (the doctor said when but I mentally amended that with if), my body would most certainly break down, which meant I didn’t have a whole lot of time left. She mentioned different breakdowns by medical name (I knew them all already), talked about blood cell count and such, but I almost tuned it all out. I had read enough and researched enough to know what she was saying. By the time Dr. Greene finished, Felicia was standing at the window with her back to us.

“So, can I go home?” I asked.

“I’d rather you stay in for observation until you’ve beaten the pneumonia,” the doctor replied. “Plus there’s a few new medications I’d like to try.”

I heaved a deep sigh, then coughed. “Well, it’s not like I’m not taking a handful already.”

“That’s the kind of spirit that’s gonna get you out of here really soon,” the doctor said with a grin. She smiled and left the room. Felicia remained at the window.

“Just think, you’ll have that whole big house to yourself,” I said cheerfully. Felicia ignored me. “Felicia?”

“You know, my mom always told me NOT to go into this kind of work after he died,” she replied to the window. “She told me that for all my brassy bullshit I had too big of a heart, and she was right.” When Felicia turned around, tears were pouring down her cheeks. “Dammit, I knew this was coming…”

“Felicia, it’s all right,” I said, surprised at my calmness. “If you want to quit…”

“Fuck no, I don’t want to quit,” she snapped. “Who’s gonna take care of you? The great AJ McLean?”

“Speaking of which…you’re not telling him, or Howie, or Nick, about any of this, okay? If they call, just say I’m sleeping, and I’ll call them occasionally, so they know I’m not pushing them away again.”

“But…”

“They’ll be home in like three weeks, Felicia. No reason to have them rushing back here now. I’m sure I’ll be fine by then, and already back home.”

But I wasn’t. The pneumonia lingered and seemed to zap every ounce of strength out of me. For every hour I was off a respirator, I needed to be back on it for two hours. I hated it, but even that hate took too much energy, so I just lay in bed, aimlessly flipping channels on the television. Felicia was by my side all the time, holding my head when I got sick, and giving me drinks of water when I was thirsty. She kept bugging me to let her tell Howie, saying that she was sick of lying to him when he called her, but I begged her to put it off. They’d be home before we knew it, and they could find out then. I was still ever hopeful about getting out of the hospital; the new medications DID help me beat the pneumonia, though they caused all kinds of other side effects.

I heard later from Felicia what exactly happened when Alex came back home and found out that I wasn’t there. She had run home to change clothes when he burst through the front door, carrying a bouquet of red and pink roses. He hurried to my room and yelled when he found it empty, the bed obviously not slept in. “Where is she?” He roared at Felicia.

“Hi, AJ, where’s Howie?” She asked calmly.

“Felicia, where the FUCK is she?”

“She’s in the hospital,” Felicia told him, and she said later that his face turned completely white. “Come on,” she said. “I’m ready to go back in, anyway.”

I was dozing through “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” when I heard the door to my room open. “Sir, it’s after visiting hours and the patient needs her rest!” A nurse was protesting.

“That’s too bad…I just got home from weeks on the road, and I want to see her,” AJ snapped. I slowly reached up and removed the oxygen mask.

“Nurse, please…let him stay…it’s been a long time,” I whispered. She frowned, nodded curtly, then walked out of the room. I reached over for the remote and turned off the TV. “Alex…hi…”

AJ stared at me for a long moment, his brow furrowed. He said nothing, but instead walked over to the window that Felicia had stared out of just a few weeks before. “You’ve been here a while, I take it?” He didn’t wait for my answer. “I don’t suppose it occurred to the Wicked Witch of Florida, also known as Felicia, to call and tell us? Tell HOWIE, for God’s sake?”

“I…asked her not…to…” I rasped, then replaced the oxygen mask. I could tell from the line of his body that AJ was absolutely furious. He whirled around, but his eyes opened wide as he saw the mask over my face. I removed it once more. “I…didn’t want you to worry…didn’t want you to come home…”

“Honey, shhh…don’t talk.” AJ sat on the edge of my bed, stroking my hair. I didn’t put the mask back; I had too much to say.

“Alex, some things you need to know…” I reached out and took his hand. “Things are moving…very fast now…and…”

AJ waved a hand in the air. “Felicia told me about that on the way in, baby, and she said you’re on all kinds of new medicine that can…”

“Alex, please…” I begged, placing a finger on his lips. “Let me finish.” He nodded and was quiet. “About the medicine…I want to stop taking it…ALL of it…” AJ’s mouth fell open. “For every thing it fixes, it makes something else worse…and half the time I don’t even know what’s going on. I don’t want to…end…like that. Please, Alex…”

“I don’t…you don’t want to take ANYTHING?” AJ got up and began to pace. THIS was why I was glad he was the one I was living with. Howie would have ranted and raved and pretty much ordered me to take all the meds the doctor wanted to give me. “Well, it’s your decision, sweetheart. What does Felicia say?”

“She understands…she’s not happy about it but she understands,” I told him.

“Okay…” AJ slowly nodded. “You realize Howie will have about seventeen cows when he hears this?”

I smiled. “Yeah, at least seventeen. But there’s more.”

“Oh, God,” AJ said, rolling his eyes to make me smile again. He sat back down on the edge of the bed.

“Yesterday I signed a DNR…Felicia actually suggested it and though it was hard, I realized it was a good idea. She knows how much I don’t want to bother you guys, or stretch this out, and…”

AJ stopped my babbling. “A what?”

“A DNR.” I watched him carefully. “It’s a special order. Do Not Resuscitate. It means that if I would…you know…start to freak or whatever they call it…um…code, that’s it…no one is supposed to, like, work to save me.”

AJ’s brown eyes grew stormy. “If I thought shaking the living FUCK out of you wouldn’t hurt you, I would sure as hell be doing it right now. Are you crazy? You don’t want…okay, that’s it. The bitch is fired!”

“Alex, do NOT call her that,” I snapped as best I could. I struggled to sit up. “Felicia is wonderful and smart and caring and she’ll be Howie’s wife before the year is out, mark my words. So you’d better not be calling her names, or HE’LL kick your ass for both me AND him. You don’t know what it’s like. You know what I’m doing now? I’m waiting around to DIE, for fuck’s sake, and I hate it. WHY should I stretch this thing out? We both know I’m not getting any better…just deal with it, okay?”

AJ stared at me for a long moment, then smiled against his will. “You’re damn cute when you get pissed off, do you know that, Sugar?”

“I am NOT,” I said, annoyed. I began to cough and he helped me put the oxygen mask back on.

“Okay, when you’re hacking up your lungs, you’re not that cute,” he added, and I smiled. He moved me over slightly, and lay down beside me. I laid my head on his shoulder. “Sugar, I hate this so much…I just want you to be without pain and at peace, but I know to get that I need to lose you in the process. I’m sorry I got mad. You and Felicia are right…it DOES sound like the most logical thing to do…though I hate it.”

I reached up and removed the mask. “One more thing…”

“Oh NOW what?” AJ groaned.

I looked up at him, tears in my eyes. “I want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be in my room with you right upstairs and the ocean outside my window…can you take me home, Alex?”

“Sure, baby…anything you want.” AJ kissed my forehead and I snuggled back against him until I fell asleep.

And so I went home. It wasn’t easy, the doctor really tried to press me to continue taking the wonderful cocktail of drugs she concocted for me, but I was adamant. I wanted to go home, I wanted to die at home, and when I did, I wanted it to be natural. I wanted nothing pulling me back when it was my time to go.

I dealt with the whole situation very calmly. Howie, Nick, Alex and even Felicia did not. For obvious reasons, Howie went pretty much ballistic when Alex and I told him that not only was I not going to continue taking all the medication, but when the time came I did NOT want to be resuscitated. He freaked and didn’t talk to me for a week. Nick turned pale when I told him one day when we were alone. He was reading me some of his poetry; he knew how much I enjoyed it. I told him that I wanted him to read some at my memorial service (AJ and I had planned it out, with me telling him exactly what I wanted). Nick started to say that he knew I’d be around for a while, but I interrupted him and gently set him straight. He made his excuses and left the house, and for the first time in a while, I cried. We had come to love each other like older sister/little brother, and I think it finally hit him at that moment.

Alex freaked in a different way. His way of freaking was to wait on me hand and foot, and if it hadn’t gotten annoying very quickly, it would have been hysterical. Felicia would stand in the doorway shaking her head as AJ fussed over me, plumping my pillows, bringing me gifts and treats, until finally I screamed at him and made him leave the room. The screaming brought on a serious cough, and Felicia took the opportunity to yell at him, trying to make him feel guilty. I think they enjoyed making each other’s life hell, and in their own way it helped them deal with the situation.

Felicia had quickly become my best female friend, since all of my other supposed friends had conveniently disappeared. I loved to tease her about Howie, and it was no longer a secret that they were involved. The first night she actually slept at his house I couldn’t WAIT for her to return, eager to start the teasing. But when she came in to check on me late in the morning, she was ready, ordering me not to say one word or she’d kill me herself. I howled with laughter.

The days passed, and I almost got tired of waiting. I had resigned myself to the end, and when the end didn’t come, I actually started to get hopeful. I tried doing a little more each day, and I realized I didn’t want to give up that easily. I laughed a lot more, smiled a lot more, and Alex finally began to lighten up. He did everything he could to make me smile, and when Howie finally came back to the house on a regular basis to see me as well as Felicia, I smiled more often.

The most surprising person of all was Kevin. All of the Backstreet Boys visited on a regular basis, of course, but it was with Kevin that I could be brutally honest. Kevin understood as no one did. He had been on the other side…he had been in the place of the one left behind, and he could tell me what the others were feeling, and I could explain my side of things. It relieved a lot of stress for me to be able to confide in him, and I knew what I said would go no further than my bedroom door. Because of what he told me, I was a lot more patient with Alex, and even Howie, for I could understand now where they were coming from. I realized how lucky I was; many AIDS patients are not fortunate enough to have friends they could trust.

“Okay, I’m out of here,” Felicia said one Friday night. She was going to stay with Howie for the weekend, something I had been pushing her to do for weeks. “The Ogre has all the numbers, right?”

“Yes, Felicia,” I sighed. She called Alex “The Ogre” and he called her “The Wicked Witch of Florida.” “He had them before you did!”

She ignored me. “You need anything, you call. I so shouldn’t be going,” she sighed.

“Felicia, get your bitchy ass out of here before I kick it out,” I snapped, and she laughed out loud.

“Yes, ma’am. Have a nice weekend.”

“Um, okay,” I said, confused. “You too.”

I heard the front door slam as she left. I slowly pulled myself out of bed and began to put my laundry away. If I didn’t, Alex would come in and do it, and I didn’t need to hear him telling me my lingerie wasn’t sexy enough. He was so weird.

“And what are you doing?” He leaned in the doorway.

“What does it look like, doofus? I’m redesigning the wheel,” I snapped. He could be so annoying.

“No. This is what you’re going to do. You’re gonna take a bath that I will draw for you, wash your body from head to toe with something that smells good, and then you’re gonna wear…” he pawed through my closet. “This.” He yanked out a short black dress.

“Alex, what’s going on?”

“Just do it,” he ordered, going into my bathroom and starting the tub. I sighed and walked to the bathroom, pulling my nightshirt over my head as I went.

When I arrived downstairs thirty minutes later, he was in the living room watching TV. He smiled as he saw me enter the room, and I gasped as he stood. He wore a black suit with a grey shirt underneath, and his unruly dark hair was brushed until the curls shone. “Wow, Alex, you look amazing.”

“Not as amazing as you.” He kissed my cheek and inhaled. “Mmm…peaches.” I knew he loved my peach shower gel, and I had used it lavishly. My hair was piled up in a simple bun, and I wore plain gold earrings and a gold chain he had given me for my birthday.

“What’s going on?” I demanded.

“We are going on a date. I promised you a long time ago that I would take you out for dinner and dancing, and we’re doing it tonight.” He opened the front door.

“Alex, this isn’t funny,” I said sadly. “You know I can’t…I can hardly keep food down…and I get so weak, I can’t dance. People will laugh at me.”

“Leave it all up to me.” He walked over to me and cupped my chin in his hand. “Do you really think I would do something that would make you feel uncomfortable?”

“Well…no…” I admitted.

“Damn straight. Let’s GO,” he insisted, giving me a very gentle shove to the door.

“Oh, Alex!” I gasped as he swiftly pulled the car into a parking space. “The Grille?” I couldn’t believe this. This was the hottest spot in the city at that moment, and I had never thought I would get to go there.

“You said you wanted to see what it was like…” AJ walked around the car and opened my door. “M’lady…” He held out his hand to help me out.

“Oh, Alex,” was all I could say. He helped me out of the car, and we slowly made our way to a side door. “What’s going on?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he replied. He knocked on the door and it opened. A short balding man smiled at us.

“Ah, Mr. McLean. So glad you could join us for dinner this evening.” He led us to a table about three steps from the door. It was a semi-circular booth, and it faced away from the rest of the crowd, towards a large window. The host smiled at us, handed us menus, then left.

I was still in shock. I could see out on the dining room, but they couldn’t really see me. It was like a dream. I opened my menu and my eyes widened. “Alex, there isn’t anything in the menu.”

“Yeah, there is.” He leaned over and flipped a page. I read the words and smiled. What was on the menu was my normal bland fare, but it was worded so eloquently I didn’t even recognize it as first. A waiter approached the table. “We’ll both have the special.”

“Yes, sir.” The waiter took the menus, smiled, and left the table. AJ reached over and took my hand.

“Alex, you can’t eat that crap,” I protested.

“YOU do. I can eat it, too,” he insisted. “And I need to be light on my feet for our dancing later.”

“You’re crazy,” I said, shaking my head.

It was the most fantastic evening I could remember. We talked, we laughed, we ate boring food, and no one made fun of me or whispered. I almost didn’t want to leave two hours later. AJ left the waiter a huge tip, and we snuck out our special back door. He helped me back into his car.

“Do you have your dancing shoes on?” Alex asked with a grin.

“AJ, I’m not dancing. I can’t,” I said sadly. At that moment I wished I WERE dead. I hated not being able to do everything I once loved. “I guess I’m not a very good date.”

“Listen to me, dumbass,” AJ snapped, turning to face me. “I love you, okay? Did you miss that part? We have NEVER been on a date, and this is everything I could have wanted. A beautiful girl on my arm that I care about…just shut the hell up and let me take care of everything, okay?” I could only nod, shocked by his outburst. He put the car into drive and floored it out of the parking lot.

I silently stared out the window, drinking everything in. It was a clear night, and the sky seemed to sparkle with stars. We only drove a few miles, and I smiled when I saw where we were. The parking lot of Howie’s club was empty. “Does he know we’re coming here?” I asked.

“Who do you think approved the closing of the club until ten?” Alex asked me as he opened my door. He took my hand and led me to the door. He knocked and one of the large bouncers opened the door.

“Hey, Aje, what’s happening?” They shook hands and he smiled down at me. “Hey there, little lady.”

“Hi,” I said shyly. AJ led me into the room. The only people in the entire club were a bartender, the bouncer and the DJ.

“So, kids, what kind of music do you want?” The DJ called out.

“Start with a slow one,” AJ ordered, and took me in his arms. I couldn’t believe this. I felt like Cinderella. I knew my midnight was coming soon, but for that moment, all I could feel was happy and alive.

That night after our date, Alex insisted on carrying me up to HIS bed to sleep, saying I needed a change of scenery. I giggled the entire way, asking if he was trying to seduce me.

“Honey,” he said, carefully setting me down. “I wouldn’t need to TRY. I could seduce you like that.” He snapped his fingers and I giggled harder. He was crazy. He handed me one of his huge tshirts and told me to get ready for bed. I tried protesting, but it was no use. He was impossible. And I also liked the idea of not sleeping alone for once.

He went downstairs to grab a few things from my room and I went into his bathroom to change. The entire bathroom was black, and I thought that if I was his girlfriend, I’d sure as hell be changing THAT. It was creepy looking. I used the bathroom, changed into his shirt, and sat on the bed, waiting for my toothbrush.

When Alex came back in, I was deep in thought. “You look damn cute in my shirt,” he observed.

“Alex, when are you gonna get a girlfriend?”

“Get another girlfriend,” he softly sang, handing me my toothbrush. “I have one. You.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Alex, don’t lie to yourself. You know…”

“I DO know,” he interrupted. “And if I want to lie to myself, let me. You’re all I ever wanted, and for now this is good.”

“You’re torturing yourself,” I snapped, stomping off to the bathroom.

“You’re all I ever wanted…you’re all I ever needed…yeah…” I heard him singing as he changed. I couldn’t help but smile. AJ McLean singing *NSYNC. Who’d have thunk it?

I spent the next night in AJ’s bed as well. Nothing happened except chaste good night kisses, but it was nice to be enveloped in someone’s arms when I woke up, even if they were bony arms covered in black ink.

We were awakened Sunday morning by a piercing scream. I sat up, rubbing my eyes. Alex mumbled something but continued to sleep. I heard Felicia calling his name as she banged on the closed bedroom door. “Alex…wake up…see what she wants,” I said, poking him until his eyes opened. I fell back on the bed, snuggling under the blankets as he pulled on sweatpants over his boxers and padded to the door.

“Yes, Witch?”

“McLean, where’s…” she looked over his shoulder and almost fainted. “What is she doing there?”

“She WAS sleeping until you trumpeted like a herd of elephants,” he snapped. “Can I go back to bed now?”

“I thought…I thought you were…” Felicia glared at me over AJ’s shoulder, and I sank back even further. “We’ll talk later.” She stomped away and AJ slammed the door. He smiled at me as he approached the bed, and I started to laugh. It WAS kind of funny.

Felicia was furious about the whole situation. She thought that I was leading AJ on. She thought he was interrupting my sleep. She told me exactly what she thought about everything, and I sat silently and listened. I knew she had been scared when she didn’t see me in my bed, and that was causing all the ranting and raving.

It ended up being a moot point, for I soon became uncomfortable sleeping with Alex. I DID feel as if it was wrong, for his sake, and I soon became too restless in the middle of the night for either of us to sleep. The good health that had seemed to flow through me quickly flowed out, and I soon spent almost all of my time in my bed. I woke up in the night, weakly coughing, and soon Felicia ordered me to keep the oxygen mask on whenever she wasn’t in the room. I heard Alex come down many nights and sit by my bed. I’d pretend to sleep and he would hold my hand, just watching me. It was odd, but it made him feel better, so I let it happen.

The guys took turns coming over and visiting. Howie came on Mondays and Wednesday, Brian and Kevin on Tuesdays, and Nick on Thursdays and Fridays. The change of pace was nice, and they each did their own thing to cheer me up. Howie would bring all kinds of stories from his club, and tease AJ about things HE used to do when they’d go out. AJ rarely went out now, preferring to spend all his waking time with me. Brian brought me pictures of his dogs, and though I thought them the ugliest things on the planet, the little stories he told about them always made me smile. Kevin would talk seriously with me, about sickness and death and all the things he wanted to do in memory of his father. Nick would often draw as we talked, having me describe things as he drew them. Every night he would call me around eight, and AJ would hold the phone to my ear so I could fall asleep listening to Nick recite his poems. I thought they were good and told him he had to publish them. He promised he would, but I knew he was too self-conscious to ever do it.

After about three weeks it grew impossible to even lay still without everything hurting. I could feel myself wasting away and I hated it. I hated knowing how I looked to the people around me. Felicia was the only one who I felt didn’t see the ugliness; she had been through it all before. One day I told Kevin and Brian that I didn’t want them to come anymore. They could call if they liked, but I just wasn’t good company. Kevin’s serious green eyes looked down at me, and in them I read his understanding. He bent down and kissed my forehead, saying he’d call the next day, and he dragged a confused Brian out the door. I sighed. They were the easy ones.

“Oh my gosh, girl, I saw the most outrageous skirt on this tramp at the club,” Howie announced as he breezed in the door the next day. “You totally need to buy one.”

“Howie, I can hardly fit a Band-Aid around my waist,” I teased gently. “This would be crazy.”

“No, you GOTTA hear this,” and off he went on his little tirade, making fun of anyone he could think of. He was babbling, which he didn’t do, and I knew he felt something was wrong.

I looked up at Alex, who nodded. “I’ll make some lunch.” He slipped out the door and closed it.

“Howie. Come here.” I patted the side of the bed and he sat beside me. “Remember the promise you made to me?”

“Which one, babe?” He asked, stroking my hair absentmindedly.

“The one where you said you’d always smile for me, always be strong?”

“Um, yeah,” he said, and I knew he hadn’t known I could hear him that night.

“I need you to do it now,” I said, and a tear slipped down his cheek.

“Wait. No. Babe…”

“Not NOW,” I said softly. “But soon. I don’t…I don’t want you to come see me anymore, Howie.”

“What do you mean?” Howie’s mouth dropped open.

“I hate…I hate how I look…how I feel…and I don’t want you to see me.” I sobbed and he quickly reached for the oxygen mask. I shook my head. “Call every day. I need to hear your voice. But I don’t want you to come. It’s…too hard.”

“YOU don’t want me to come?” Howie snapped, standing up. “That is the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Howie…”

“NO. Never mind. I only really came to see Felicia anyway.” He went to the door. “Fuck you anyway.”

I sobbed as he slammed the door. I had known he wouldn’t be happy but I hadn’t expected this. “Howie…” I whispered, and like magic he reappeared.

“Don’t go…” Howie said quietly, falling to his knees by my bed. “I’ll do anything you want…just don’t go.”

“Right now, what I want is for you to sing me to sleep. I’m tired…nap time,” I said with a small smile. Now I stroked HIS hair. “And I want you to call after supper tonight, okay?”

He nodded, laying his head on my leg, one of the few places that didn’t hurt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“Of course not. Sing,” I demanded. He complied, singing a soft ballad that soon had me drifting off to sleep.

“I have a present for you,” Nick said the next evening when he came over. He lugged a large bundle in the bedroom door and I stared at it curiously. “Close your eyes.”

“Nicky, I…”

“CLOSE them,” he ordered, and I obeyed. “Help me, Aje,” I heard him say, and I heard paper tearing. “Okay. Open.”

I opened my eyes and gasped. In front of me was a large painting, with me in the center. Actually, Alex and I were in the center, and even Alex was shocked. We sat together in the middle, and I looked healthy and happy. It was the me of about a year earlier. In each corner were the other four Backstreet Boys. Brian and Leighanne and their dogs, Kevin and Kristin standing in a forest, Howie looking sharp in a dark suit, and Nick seated on a beach. “Nicky…I…I…” I could not find words. AJ helped Nick hang it on the wall across from the bed.

“I wanted to give you something that you could look at and enjoy, and that gave you happy thoughts,” Nick said.

“You sure as hell succeeded,” I whispered. “Nick…thank you.” Dammit, this was going to make it all much harder.

“I have some calls to make. Night sweetheart.” AJ kissed my forehead, knowing that Nick would probably read me poetry until I slept. “Later, Nick.”

“Bye, Aje,” Nick said absentmindedly. He pulled a chair over to the bed. “Okay, I have something new here. It’s a love poem.” Nick wrinkled his nose, looking about six years old.

“Wait, Nick.” I placed a hand on his cheek, stroking its softness. “I need to tell you something.”

“Okay.” Nick shut his notebook and looked at me.

“I…I don’t want you to come over anymore, okay?”

“Why?” Nick looked shocked. “Is it the painting? You don’t like it?”

“Oh, God, Nick, no. I LOVE the painting. I just…I can’t do it anymore…it takes too much.” My eyes brimmed with tears at the terrified look on his face. “Please understand.”

“But I want to see you,” he whispered.

“Just because you see me doesn’t mean I won’t go,” I said softly, and by the look on his face I knew it was what he had been thinking. He sighed, looked at me for a moment, then nodded. “My baby brother,” I said gently, stroking his face again. He kissed my palm and grabbed his notebook. “Call me tomorrow?” I asked, and he nodded again. He bent down and gave me a careful hug.

“I love you.”

“Love you, too, Nicky,” I said, kissing his cheek. He smiled his sunny smile and went out the door without another word.

I cried silently until Alex returned to the bedroom. “Nick left,” he stated, and I could only nod.

“I hate goodbyes,” I said miserably. “They hurt.”

“Yes, baby, they do.” AJ slowly climbed into bed beside me. “You’re so special to us all, you know that, right?”

“I don’t feel special right now,” I said.

“If you weren’t, this wouldn’t be this hard for ANY of us,” he remarked, and I nodded slowly. I sighed and snuggled closer to him, feeling his love surround me. He kissed my forehead and held me until I cried myself to sleep.

ALEX

And in the end when she was barely hanging on, all she could say is she thinks his name was John…she thinks his name was John…

When she lay in my arms saying she hated goodbyes, for the very first time I realized how hard it was for her, and I don’t just mean the pain. Yeah, we had to say goodbye to someone we loved, but she knew the pain she was causing, and because of the person she was, she hated it. That’s why she continually tried to push us away, until she finally realized we were too stubborn for that.

I would watch her sleep. Just tiptoe into her room and watch her, watch her chest to make sure it moved up and down, and sometimes even watch the little bleep that signified her heart rate, willing it to continue to make the obnoxious noise it made. These nights I would cry…consumed by guilt. Long ago she had told me it wasn’t my fault, but a part of me would always think it was. She met him because of me…and if I had never introduced them…then we wouldn’t be in this position. But if I hadn’t introduced them, we wouldn’t be in this position, and I never would have gotten to know her like I did, and I never would have fallen in love with her. And I wouldn’t have given that love up for anything.

One morning she told me to quit my slinking around and just pull a damn cot into her room…that she was sick of feeling spied on. I couldn’t help but smile. She could always nail me like that. I told her that maybe I liked being a Peeping Tom, and she said she figured as much. So I set up a sleeping bag on the floor. The hum of the machines was strangely comforting, actually. It could easily lull you to sleep, though any hiccup in the sounds instantly awakened me. Sometimes Felicia even snuck in to hang out. She and I would just look at each other, the truce finally agreed upon. Nothing would make these last days painful for her. We both loved her too much.

Felicia had brought her some breakfast, but of course she wasn’t interested. She asked me to help her sit up, and we turned so we could look out at the ocean. She heaved a big sigh, just looking out the window for almost an hour. She then turned and lay back down. I got her settled, and she grabbed at my wrist. She guided it to her face and together we removed the oxygen mask. “What is it, Sugar?” I asked, using the hated nickname. “What do you want to say?”

“This…off…no more…” she whispered, her bright eyes begging. “I’m tired, Alex.” I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to keep the damn mask on forever…whatever it took to make it easier for her to stay alive. Then I realized that what would make things easier was finally letting go. I nodded and took the straps from behind her head. She inhaled deeply, coughed a bit, then smiled. “Thank you,” she whispered, and I nodded slowly. I knelt by the bed, and for the next two hours I did nothing but talk. I talked, I cried, I swore a blue streak. I felt like I was in a confessional. I told her how much I loved her, how special she was to me, and how guilty I felt. Her eyes were closed but she was awake, I knew. Her hand stroked my hair gently, yanking a bit when I got to the guilt. “Stop,” she whispered. “No one’s…fault…but John’s…” I nodded, but didn’t feel much better.

“Will you be okay if I go out of the room for a second?” I asked finally, wiping my nose on the back of my hand. She nodded. She knew what I was asking.

“I’ll be here,” she said, smiling up at me. I practically stumbled out of the room.

When Felicia came down the hall, I was leaning against the closed door with my eyes closed. “AJ…what…” Her dark eyes were huge.

“No. Not yet. But we need to call Howie and Nick.” I kept my voice low

“But she said…”

I held up a hand. “I promised them. I said if it looked like…it was close…I would call.”

“How do you know it’s close?” She said almost frantically. “You don’t know anything about…”

“I fucking KNOW, Felicia. Please. Call them, okay?” Felicia looked at me for a long moment, then nodded. We fell into each other’s arms, hugging each other tight. I took a deep breath, then went back into the bedroom. I slid behind her on the bed, holding her against my chest, careful to keep all the monitoring wires in place.

“I can feel your heartbeat,” she said, smiling up at me.

“I can HEAR yours,” I countered, pointing to the monitor, and she giggled. The beeping jumped. “Hey…quit making it dance,” I ordered, and she giggled again.

We chatted quietly for about fifteen minutes, me doing most of the talking. She nodded occasionally, her eyes on the painting across the room. Nick had created a miracle, and I knew it was something she cherished. It was a memory of a happier time, and she enjoyed the fact that she and I were together in the middle. She told me once, and I have never forgotten it. She never said she loved me like THAT, always joked about it, but I like to think we could have been something. She just snuggled close to me, and we enjoyed the thought of each other.

The door opened and we both jumped. “Hey,” Howie said softly, poking his head in. I saw her eyes widen.

“Howie?”

“And me.” A blond head appeared above Howie’s. I could feel her tense, then she relaxed.

“Nick…Howie…hi,” she said, and she smiled. They took a seat on each side of the bed, each taking one of her hands. “You don’t listen worth shit.”

“It’s AJ’s fault,” Nick said immediately, and I smacked his head. “It is! He called us.”

“He never could behave,” she said with a sigh, but she smiled as she said it.

Nick started talking, talking about his poetry and painting, and I felt her relax against me even more. Her eyes lingered on Howie, and I saw his own dark eyes glisten with tears. He stroked her hand with his soft fingers, saying nothing. Nick finally stopped talking, not knowing what else to say. He leaned his chin on her hand, resting his head on the bed. His blue eyes blinked furiously, and I was surprised. Crying for Nick was a big deal.

Howie reached up and pushed a hair from her face, then brought his hand down to trace the embroidered Winnie the Pooh on her nightshirt. “Christopher Robin and I walked along under branches lit up by the moon…” he began to sing, and Nick and I stared at him. Her face lit up and she seemed to breathe a bit stronger. “Posing our questions to Owl and Eeyore as our days disappeared all too soon…But I’ve wandered much further today than I should and I can’t seem to find my way back to the Wood…”

Her voice was barely a whisper. “So help me if you can I’ve got to get…back to the house at Pooh Corner by one…you’d be surprised there’s so much to be done…count all the bees in the hive…chase all the clouds from the sky…back to the days of Christopher Robin and Pooh…”

I could tell it took everything Howie had in him not to break down. I was already in fucking tears, and Nick’s broad shoulders shook with sobs. “It’s hard to explain how a few precious things…seem to follow throughout all our lives…after all’s said and done I was watching my son sleeping there with his bear by his side…” Her eyes fluttered closed and she sighed. Howie bent down to kiss her forehead. “So I tucked him in…I kissed him…and as I was going I swear…that the old bear whispered Boy, welcome home…” A strong straight tone from the heart monitor made us all jump. Nick’s blue eyes frantically moved from the bed to the machine and back, but Howie only continued to sing quietly as I felt the body in my arms finally settle. “Believe me if you can…I’ve finally come back to the house at Pooh Corner by one…what do you know there’s so much to be done…count all the bees in a hive…chase all the clouds in the sky…back to the days of Christopher Robin…back to the ways of Christopher Robin…back to the days of Pooh…” Howie’s high voice drifted into the air and he and I looked at each other before he finally let his head fall into her lap as he wept.

Seven Months Later

NICK

I had never been so happy to finish a tour. We had gone back on the road in the summer in the US, and then we did a quick mini-tour in some foreign cities. We all loved performing, but this tour was pure hell for us…especially AJ. Howie, Kevin, Brian and I had a long talk with management, explaining that AJ had lost someone very dear to him recently, and that it would be a while before he was himself…if ever. They sent out a press release, and Thank God we have the best fans in the world, because they were totally cool with it. They kept sending him cards and gifts and flowers, and finally he put out his own press release, asking that all gifts and stuff be sent to AIDS units at hospitals, and that any money you wanted to spend, please spend it in donations to AIDS charities. He started out his charitable work with Save the Music, but soon he became an unofficial spokesman for the fight against AIDS. Teenagers and pre-teenagers are very easily convinced, and once they knew that AJ McLean was against AIDS…hell…they went all out to support whatever he wanted. I know she’s smiling about that one.

The funeral was small…just the group of us, Leighanne, Kristin, Felicia, and the very few friends that had actually stayed in touch with her once she got sick. She was then cremated, and we went out on my boat to scatter the ashes on the water she loved to look at. AJ bought a tiny hinged box shaped like a shell, and he kept a small amount of her ashes in it. That shell went with him EVERYWHERE, and once when we were in the Midwest he refused to leave a hotel until he found it (it was wrapped up in one of his socks). In any other circumstance, the hysteria of AJ would have been funny.

Physically, Aje got even thinner. Emotionally…no one could get to him. He was snippy when he was in a good mood, evil when he was in a bad mood, and unfortunately he was in a rotten mood 90% of the time. We all stayed away from him, but we didn’t like it. We knew he drank in his room every night when we were on tour, but, as Howie said, at least he was in his room and not out getting into trouble. Howie suffered just as much, but he was lucky to have Felicia. They married a month after the funeral in a very tiny ceremony, and it was all AJ could do to stand up as best man. By Thanksgiving, Felicia was already five months pregnant, and I knew she and Howie were glad beyond words. “Life goes on regardless,” she said, and I can only agree.

We were on a flight back to the States when I finally said something about an idea I had been playing with for a while. Howie was dozing against the window. Kevin and Brian were jotting down song ideas. AJ was staring into space, playing with the cross around his neck, zipping it one way down the chain, then back up. Zip…zip…zip…zip…

“Hey…Aje,” I said softly, moving to sit next to him. He looked at me over his ever-present sunglasses, his dark eyes tired.

“Yeah?”

Everyone froze. I had pretty much stayed out of AJ’s way the last few months, acting like I had around Kevin when I was twelve. “I…uh…I was surfing the net last night…”

AJ actually smiled. “Were you looking at those porno sites again, Junior? I mean, really…you’re twenty-one now…you can get your own nookie.”

I smiled back. “I know…not porno sites this time. I…uh…well…”

“For God’s sake, Nick, spit it out!” Kevin said, exasperated. I looked over at he and Brian, who were eagerly watching the exchange.

“I was playing around and I found this site about the AIDS quilt and…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” AJ immediately shut down.

“You HAVE to,” I snapped, and he looked surprised. “We all lost someone, for fuck’s sake. Howie lost his all-time best friend, and he’s at least TRYING to deal with it. Just shut up and listen for once, okay?”

AJ slowly removed his sunglasses, his eyes cloudy and unreadable. “I’m listening.”

“Anyway, they have this AIDS quilt. I’m sure you’ve heard of it…anyway, the first of December is World AIDS Day…and though I know we couldn’t have anything ready for it THIS year…I thought we could start that day…make the piece…send it in…” I stammered into silence. “I found all the information out…what size it has to be…what material it can be, all that. It has to be three feet by six…that’s big enough for ALL of us to put something on it…or you could just do your own.” I looked at my feet, sure that he thought I was an idiot. “I mean, regardless, I’m gonna do it. I can find some material, put some of my poems on it…and I have some pictures I can make into iron-ons…”

“You gonna sew it?” AJ demanded, and I looked up.

“Well…I was gonna work on it…they can hem it for you but I thought I could find someone…”

“My mom can do it,” AJ said, staring out the window. “She could finish it for us…” he said slowly. “And I think your poems would be great, Nick.” His dark eyes turned on me, full of tears. “Your poems, and a drawing or two…I don’t want it fancy. We could each write something on it…and now that I think of it, when I was going through her stuff, I found some boxes of fabric she had used in some of her window designs. I bet there’s something in there that could work.”

“Nick, this sounds like an awesome idea,” Brian said finally. Howie’s eyes fluttered open.

“What idea?”

“Nick found info about the AIDS Quilt, and we’re gonna make a panel,” AJ said softly. Howie’s eyes grew, then he smiled.

“Damn awesome idea, Nicky,” Howie said softly. There was a pause, then Howie fell back to sleep, Brian and Kevin continued to argue over lyrics, and AJ looked at me.

“It hurts,” he whispered. “I loved her so fucking much. And until the day I die, I’ll know this was my fault.”

“YOUR fault?” I was confused. There was silence once more, and Howie’s eyes opened again. He looked at AJ sympathetically.

“She got it…from my friend…I introduced her at Howie’s party…and he gave it to her.” AJ’s cheeks were wet with tears.

“She never ever blamed you, Aje,” Howie said softly. “She knew it had nothing to do with you.”

“You knew about this?” AJ asked.

“Yeah. I knew for about three months before she died. She was so upset that you felt so guilty. And she was right, not your fault…” Howie smiled at AJ sadly. “She loved you, AJ. She could never blame you.”

“Well, maybe one day I’ll stop blaming me,” AJ said with a sigh, hurriedly wiping away his tears. He looked back at me. “Maybe this can help,” he whispered, and I just nodded. I reached over and squeezed his knee, then went back to my seat. I knew he needed time alone.

AJ told me once that watching us cry for her was the hardest thing she had to go through. She knew that our love for her kept us around, and it was her love for us that attempted to push us away. As we suffered over the quilt block for the next two months, I knew she was up there somewhere laughing her ASS off. We argued, fought, AJ even went after Howie with a pair of scissors. But in the end it was the perfect way to say goodbye. He said that she felt goodbyes were the hardest thing, but I think this goodbye was the perfect way to make her smile.

The End

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