Out Of The Shadows

By: Lara

“No…Justin…this isn’t a bad time.” Lance rolled his eyes at Joey, who was folding socks.

“Give me the phone,” Joey mumbled. Lance glared at him and left the room.

“Go ahead, Justin.” Lance sat on the steps that ran down to the second floor.

“Okay…so I was wondering…if I buy this stock at like…what is it…ten dollars a share or whatever…how long until I make any money?”

“What’s the name of the company again?” Lance asked, sighing. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall.

Joey heard the slight thump of Lance’s head against the wall and couldn’t help but grin. He shoved his socks into his drawer and came into the hallway. He could hear the forced patience in Lance’s tone and sighed. He was so sweet. He bent over behind Lance, kissing the top of his forehead. “I’m gonna make some sandwiches quick.”

“Okay.” Lance smiled up at him.

“Tell him I say hi,” Justin told him. Lance sighed.

“Justin says hi.”

“Tell Justin hi and keep his flirting to himself,” Joey ordered, clomping down the steps.

“Joey says…”

“I heard him,” Justin said. “You sound busy. Thanks for you help. I’ll call you later on.” Justin hung up before Lance could say anything. Lance sighed, got up, and went down to join Joey in the kitchen.

Justin stared at the phone, mentally kicking himself in the head. WHY couldn’t he let it go? WHY couldn’t he find someone else? No…he had to be in love with Lance. Justin got up from his desk and went to flop on his empty bed. The bed was always empty…because Justin only wanted one person: Lance. He had fallen hard for Lance the year before, and by the time he had come to terms with the fact that he was gay, Lance had hooked up with Joey. And Justin couldn’t even find it in himself to be angry about it. It wasn’t Joey’s fault. Lance was an amazing man…and Joey was the luckiest person on earth to have him.

Justin buried his face in a pillow. It had all come to a head three months earlier, when Justin had gotten rip-roaring drunk and come out. About everything. About his own sexuality, about the way he felt about Lance. The only problem was, he did it at a bar where all five of them were sitting around a table. According to JC, Justin had practically thrown himself into Lance’s arms, pleading with him to leave Joey and be with him. Joey had been livid, and it had taken all of Chris’ fast-talking skills to make him turn around and not punch Justin’s lights out. Lance had nervously gotten out of Justin’s hold, leaving Justin to cry on JC’s shoulder. Joey had only started talking to Justin again a month ago. Their friendship was shaky, and it was shaken even more any time Justin called Lance. Justin used to be able to call Lance whenever he wanted, to drown himself in Lance’s attention even if it was only for a ten minute phone call. But he had ruined all of that one drunken night in a bar.

“He was honestly just asking me questions,” Lance pointed out around his sandwich. Joey rolled his eyes.

“He makes up excuses to call you.”

“YOU make up excuses to get jealous,” Lance said, giving Joey a fond smile. “You’re so cute when you’re jealous.”

“I’m cute all the time,” Joey pointed out. He sighed. “I love Justin, I do. He’s my little brother. But he needs to get over you.”

“He’s fine,” Lance said, waving a hand in the air. “You make too much of things.”

“You don’t make enough of things,” Joey argued, standing up. “So…are we going shopping?”

“Yeah…lemme grab my shoes.” Lance stood as well and headed for the hall closet. “I wanna get some of those silk sheets. They were pretty.”

“Not as pretty as you.” Joey pressed Lance against the wall of the hallway, kissing his neck. Lance shivered and wrapped his arms around Joey’s neck.

“I should probably take offense to you calling me pretty,” he realized. Joey’s hungry lips moved up to Lance’s ear. “But…I’ll forgive you,” Lance sighed.

“Oh, shit.” Justin stood in the middle of his kitchen. “I forgot to ask Lance what time he wanted me at that interview.” Lance’s company was looking at a script that Lance thought Justin would be perfect for. Justin knew it was a terrible problem between Joey and Lance; Joey didn’t want Lance spending time with Justin AT ALL, especially if it was off somewhere on a movie shoot. Lance had quietly and firmly told Joey that if Justin was perfect for the part, then something stupid like whatever jealousies Joey had should not come into play. Lance wanted Justin to come in and talk to some of the Happy Place people, and he hadn’t told Justin what time to be at the interview the next day. Justin sighed and went to the phone.

“Hello?” Lance answered his cellphone as Joey pulled onto the highway. “Oh, hi, Justin.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Joey growled.

“Shut up,” Lance snapped. “What’s up?”

“I forgot to ask about the interview. What time?”

“I DID forget to tell you, didn’t I?” Lance chuckled. “I’m such a bonehead at times.”

“Lance…puhleeze. You are NOT a bonehead by a long shot.”

“Thank you for saying that, but in this case, it’s true.”

“Gimme the fucking phone.” Joey grabbed the phone before Lance could protest. “Jesus, Justin, can’t you find someone else to fuck around with? He’s taken, okay?”

“Joey, calm down,” Lance tried.

“Joey, we were talking. You’re not his keeper,” Justin said angrily.

“No, but I am his boyfriend. He’s with ME. And if you don’t back the hell off, I’m gonna kick your skinny Tennessee ass!”

“I’d like to see you try it, Fatone, you Brooklyn bastard!” Justin snapped.

“Joey…watch the road…” Lance said helplessly.

Joey swerved the steering wheel with one hand. “Justin, so help me God…”

“JOEY!” Lance screamed.

Justin stared at the phone in his hand. He heard Lance’s scream, then a curse from Joey, then a loud sound like nothing he had ever heard before. It sent chills up his spine. “Lance?” Justin said. “Lance. LANCE!” He heard a moan, then silence. “LANCE! JOEY!” Justin yelled. “Oh…oh my God…” Justin ran for his cellphone. “Yes…I need…oh God…okay…I was talking to a friend on his cellphone and I think they were in an accident…no, I DIDN’T lose the connection! I heard…” Justin sat down hard. “I heard the crash…I heard them hit something…can’t you trace the cellphone number, find out where they are and help them? I don’t know where they were going…just where they started from…” Justin made himself calm down, still holding his house phone to his ear. “Please,” he begged. The emergency dispatcher asked for Joey and Lance’s address, Justin gave it. They asked for the names of the people in the car, Justin gave them. They asked for his name and address. He gave it without hesitating.

“Okay, Mr. Timberlake…we’ll find them and I’m sure they’ll be fine. Just stay calm.”

“Stay CALM?” Justin screamed.

“Please, Mr. Timberlake. More than likely if there are any injuries, they’ll be taken to Providence Hospital. Why don’t you contact their families and go wait there?”

“Okay. Yeah. Families. Okay.” Justin hung up the cellphone and looked at his house phone. He heard nothing, so he slowly hung up. He dialed on his cellphone. “JC? It’s Justin…you need to meet me at Providence.”

JC arrived two minutes after Justin did, bringing Chris along with him. “What’s going on?” Chris asked breathlessly.

“I don’t know. They haven’t come in yet. I called Joey’s mom and dad, and I called Diane…I told them as soon as we heard something, we’d call them back. No need for them to run back here for nothing.” Justin rubbed his forehead. Joey’s parents were back home in New York visiting relatives, and Diane Bass was in Mississippi. They all had everyone’s families’ numbers, just in case something like this would happen.

“Tell me again,” JC said gently, sitting Justin down on a sofa in the emergency waiting room.

“I was…talking…to Lance…then Joey…he grabbed the phone…then I heard Lance scream.” Justin closed his eyes. “God…he was terrified…then I heard…” Tears welled up in his eyes. “I heard them hit something.”

“God.” JC pulled Justin into a hug.

“Do you think we should call management or something?” Chris asked quietly. Justin shrugged.

“Let’s wait and see what happens when they come in,” JC said. “I’m sure it’s something minor…broken leg or arm or something. Maybe Joey got a concussion and now he’ll be normal.”

Justin grinned slightly, then frowned as he noticed some emergency people fly out the door. “What’s that…what’s going on?”

The three men stood and took a step towards the door. Suddenly the doors swung open and two EMTs pushed a gurney through the door. A doctor approached them and the two technicians began to talk at once. Justin caught sight of blond hair and started to run. “J, wait!” JC grabbed for Justin but was too late. Justin grabbed the side of the gurney, staring down at the face he loved.

“God…Lance…oh, Lance…” Justin’s fingers reached for the bloody face but the doctor caught his hand.

“Who are you?”

“His friend. How…what…”

“He needs surgery. Now. You’ll have to talk to that nurse over there.” The doctor waved a nurse over and started to pull Lance away.

“Lance…” Justin said faintly. JC and Chris appeared at his side, watching their friend get rolled away.

“Gentlemen…want to tell me about your friend? Who can we call to get approval to operate?”

JC and Chris stared at each other. “Uh…his mother,” JC said, noticing that Justin was not going to respond. “Diane Bass. She’s in Mississippi. She has all his insurance information and everything.” JC rattled off the number and the nurse took it down.

“Excuse me, but where’s Joey?” Chris asked finally. Justin stared at the door, waiting for them to wheel Joey in as well.

“Joey?” The nurse was confused.

“He was driving.” Justin finally found his tongue.

“Oh…I didn’t hear anything…let me see.” She went back behind her counter and picked up the phone. She spoke for a moment, listened for a moment, then hung up. She slowly looked at the three friends, and the look on her face spoke volumes.

“No…” Justin physically crumpled, JC catching him on the way down. “NO.”

“Oh…God…” Chris sank to his knees, JC cradling Justin on the floor. “Joey…”

“No…Jayce…” Justin looked up at JC, tears streaming down his cheeks. “Tell them he’s fine.”

“He’s not fine, Justin. God…he’s dead.” JC buried his face in Justin’s short curls as the three men cried.

JC was the first to recover. “We should call management.”

“Fuck management,” Chris sniffled.

“Joey’s mom and dad.” Justin struggled to his feet, pulling JC up with him. His hands nervously clenched and unclenched JC’s shirt. “I’ll call them.” He looked at JC, his eyes empty. “Can you call management?”

“Yeah, J, sure.” JC looked down at Justin’s hands. Justin slowly released JC and went to a corner.

Justin stared at his cellphone for a long moment, then looked up a number in his directory. He hit the speed dial. “Hi…yes…it is Justin. Look…I have something to tell you. You need to come home. Yes…it’s…” Justin held back the sobs as best he could. “Oh, God, Mama Fatone…I’m so sorry…” Justin fell to his knees, sobbing too hard to talk. In an instant, Chris was at his side, picking up the phone.

“Mama Fatone…it’s Chris.”

The three friends were soon taken to a private waiting room. Management came and went, lawyers came and went. Johnny stayed for an hour, trying to convince them to go home. They refused. They would stay there until they could find something out about Lance…and they wanted to see Joey before he was taken to a funeral home. His parents would be on the next flight they could get, and Diane and James Bass were already on a flight from Mississippi.

Justin refused to speak to anyone. He wandered around in a daze, aimlessly making his way through the muffled halls of the hospital until he found himself in the chapel. He stared at the beauty of a small stained glass window, wondering how he could ever forgive himself. Joey was gone and it was all his fault.

“You look like someone I know.” A small voice broke the stillness and Justin jumped. He turned to see a boy staring at him, a boy of about nine or ten. “Are you famous?”

“Yeah, I am.” Justin tried to smile but couldn’t. “I’m Justin.”

“I’m Joey.” Justin’s heart broke as the boy climbed onto the pew beside him. “Whatcha doin here?”

“Thinking. One of my friends died…his name was Joey, too.”

“Wow.” The boy’s brown eyes were solemn. “My daddy is here…he has cancer.”

“I’m sorry, Joey,” Justin whispered.

“It’s okay. My mommy says it’s for the best that he dies cuz he’s really sick.” The boy looked up at Justin. “Was your friend sick?”

“No…he…he was in an accident…and it was my fault.”

“Do you think he’s mad at you?”

“I think he’s probably in heaven pissed as fu…I mean, really mad at me,” Justin corrected himself.

“I bet if he was your friend, he’d forgive you.” The boy slid off the pew. “I think I need to go back to my mommy.”

“I’m sorry…about your dad.”

“I’m sorry about your friend.” Joey ambled out of the chapel and Justin heaved a sigh, wishing he could believe the wise words of a small child.

“Justin.” Justin turned at the sound of JC’s voice. “They…we can see Joey.”

“This isn’t pretty, though we’ve cleaned most of it up,” the attendant explained. The three men nodded as one. “I’ll leave you alone.” She left and closed the door behind her.

With shaking hands Chris reached up and tugged at the sheet. Joey’s dark hair was uncovered, then his handsome face. “God.” Chris’ voice was strangled, and he wept unashamedly. “He looks like…”

“…he’s sleeping,” JC said, reaching out and touching Joey’s bruised cheek. There were cuts and bruises, but he was still Joey. “He’s sleeping,” JC repeated.

“Joey.” Justin fell to his knees by the table, grabbing Joey’s cold hand. “I’m so sorry.”

“Dude…it’s okay…” Chris whispered, putting an arm around Justin.

“No, it’s not. It will NEVER be okay again.” Justin wished with all his heart that he could trade places with the man on the table.

“Justin.” Justin was enveloped in a hug from Lance’s mother. “Oh, God…my baby. He’s…they say he’s in a coma,” Diane Bass whispered. “A coma. My baby.”

“Diane.” James gently pulled his wife away from Justin, smiling at him over her head. “Hello, son.”

“Hi,” Justin said, then turned away. He couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t be near the parents of the man he loved. He couldn’t be near them and not feel wave after wave of guilt. He sat on a sofa, alone, staring at his shoes.

“He’s gonna be okay.” JC sat down next to him, putting an arm around Justin’s shoulders. JC was the only one Justin had spoken to about Lance after that night in the bar. “He’ll be fine.”

“But what if he isn’t?” Justin turned on JC angrily. “JC, Joey is dead and Lance is in a fucking COMA. This isn’t gonna be wrapped up by the end of the hour. This isn’t some episode of fucking…” Justin couldn’t come up with the name of a television show. “It just won’t be okay. Never again. We’re no longer NSYNC. We’re just…JC and Lance and Chris and Justin…and we may be minus an N, too.” Justin remembered the blood on Lance’s face, the paleness of the skin that he could see. “Lance…”

“Shhh.” JC tucked Justin’s head onto his shoulder and let him cry.

The funeral was two days later. Justin wasn’t going to go, but Joey’s mother, of all people, talked him into it. “Please, Justin,” she begged. “It would make Joey happy to see all of his friends there. Please.” Justin wanted to point out that they wouldn’t all be there, that Lance was still peacefully sleeping in his coma, but he didn’t. He hugged Joey’s mother and said of course he’d be there.

The funeral was like nothing Justin had ever seen. Girls camped out near the church, girls camped out near the cemetery. He was surprised at their respect, at their restraint. They cried, they sang, but when the funeral procession came by, they quieted down and simply shook with sobs. They hugged each other, watching the body of one of their idols slowly drive by. Justin looked out of the limo windows, watching the tear-streaked faces. “Wait.” He told the driver. “Stop the car.”

“Justin,” JC began.

“No.” Justin opened the door, not knowing what to expect. He heard screams, but they weren’t fanatical. They were voices sharing his pain. He walked over, and was enveloped in a hug by the first person he came in contact with.

“I’m so sorry, Justin,” the woman said, squeezing, then letting him go. And that’s how it went. To his amazement, and the shock of JC and Chris, all the girls did was hug Justin, wanting a moment to share his pain. They offered condolences, love and prayers, and for five minutes, Justin forgot his guilt and shared his sorrow.

“You guys go ahead. Lonnie’s over there. He can drive me back,” Justin said.

“Justin…” JC put a hand on his shoulder.

“Please, guys. You said your goodbyes. I need to say mine.” Justin gave JC a small smile. “I’ll be back at your house before you know it, Jayce, okay?”

“Okay.” JC gave Justin a long hug. Chris did the same. The two friends trudged up the hill to the limo, leaving Justin alone in front of the grave. The small plot was piled high with flowers, and Justin closed his eyes to inhale the scent.

“I’m so sorry, Joey…if you wouldn’t have been arguing with me, you never would have crossed that median. You never would have hit that car…or hit the wall. Lance…” Justin wiped away tears. “Lance is still in the hospital, or he’d be here. I swear to you, Joey, I’ll watch out for him for you, okay? If he ever wakes up, I’ll make sure to be there for him to get over losing you, as best I can. And I won’t move in on him. I swear to you. I promise you.”

Justin spent all his time at the hospital, in Lance’s room. Lance was hooked up to all kinds of machinery, but Justin couldn’t look at him enough. He had lost Joey…he couldn’t lose Lance. At night, Justin would sneak into the room and sit by Lance’s bed, holding Lance’s hand, softly talking to him. He’d sing to him, cry to him, scream in a whisper, all the while begging Lance to wake up. During the day he’d stay out in the waiting room so Lance’s parents could be in with him, but the nights belonged to Justin.

“Dude…Johnny wants to meet with us,” JC said one morning. “He’s down the hall in one of the doctor’s offices.”

“Okay.” Justin pulled himself off the plastic sofa and stretched.

“Justin…you should go home for a while,” Chris suggested.

“No. What if Lance needs me?” Justin asked sharply. “I promised Joey I’d look out for Lance. And I can’t do that at home.”

“Okay,” JC said, staring at Justin.

Johnny laid it down on the line. “What do we do now, boys? I hate to bring this up, but decisions need to be made. Do you want to try to go on without Joey?”

“We’re not NSYNC without Joey,” Chris said softly.

“We’re…” Justin couldn’t come up with something using N, N, C and S. “We’re nothing,” he finished.

“What do we have to do to get out of whatever contracts we’re in?” JC asked.

“Lance would know,” Justin said, sighing miserably.

“Okay…so then he wants to know if we’re all gonna stay together. I mean, really, Lance, can they cut us some slack? I think we’ll all be glad it’s over, in the long run.” Justin stretched his arms over his head. “I know some people think we could do it without Joey…that his voice wasn’t that important. But it WAS. He made it right. And it can never be right again.” Justin blinked back tears. “And it’s my fault,” he whispered. He took Lance’s hand in his, kissing the knuckles. “And it wouldn’t be right without you, either, so don’t even THINK about signing off on me, okay? We need you, Scoop. I…need you.” Justin laid his cheek against Lance’s hand and slowly fell asleep.

Something awakened Justin. Something moving. He realized that Lance’s hand was no longer under his face. Justin blinked against the early morning light streaming in the window. He yawned and stretched, his eyes moving to Lance’s face. “Good morning, La…” Justin’s mouth fell open. Green eyes stared at him inquisitively. “Oh my GOD. You’re awake. Lance…fuck…” Tears leapt to Justin’s eyes. “You’re awake. You’re okay. Oh, thank you LORD.” Justin wanted to hug Lance, but he remembered how beat up Lance was physically. He squeezed Lance’s hand. “Thank you.”

Lance tilted his head to the side, staring at Justin. He took in the wet eyes, the messy curls, the clothes that Justin had been wearing for the past two days. “Do I know you?”

Justin stared at the face he loved. “What did you say?”

“I asked if I knew you…did you say your name is Lance?” Green eyes looked at him with the innocence of a child.

“No…that’s YOUR name. I’m…” Justin swallowed deeply. “I’m Justin.”

“Lance…and Justin.” Lance smiled slightly. “Okay. Hello, Justin.”

Justin stood up so quick he knocked his chair over. “I’m gonna…uh…I’m gonna get the doctor.” He scrambled out of the room and went to the nurse’s desk. “Lance Bass…he’s…um…he’s awake…”

“We’ll send someone in immediately,” the nurse promised. Justin sighed and went to the waiting area, where Mr. and Mrs. Bass were curled up on a sofa. He shook Diane’s shoulder.

“Diane…Lance is awake.”

Justin sat in the waiting room, staring at his shoes. He stared at his shoes for about two hours until JC and Chris came bursting into the room. “J!” Chris said happily. He hugged his friend, who remained frozen. “He’s awake!”

“Yeah,” Justin said miserably.

“What’s wrong?” JC asked. Before Justin could answer, Lance’s parents entered the waiting room.

“We’re gonna go get something to eat,” James told them. “We’ll be back.”

“Okay,” Chris whispered, shocked by the look on Diane’s face. Justin saw it and understood. Lance hadn’t known her, either.

“Can we see him?” JC wanted to know. Justin shrugged.

“Probably. But…” Justin stopped. Maybe Lance would know one of them. “Let’s go.” He led the way to Lance’s room, and took a deep breath. He opened the door and let the others in. Lance was sitting up in bed, sipping at some chicken broth.

“Lance! Man, it’s great to see you sitting up and awake!” Chris almost yelled. He sat on the edge of Lance’s bed.

“Watch. You’ll spill his lunch.” JC sat on the chair and smiled at him. “Hey, Lance…you scared us.”

“So I hear.” Lance’s eyes were full of confusion. They settled slightly when he looked at Justin. “Hi, Justin.”

“Hi,” Justin said softly, his heart falling. He didn’t know them. “This is JC…Josh, actually, but we call him JC. And that crazy one is Chris.”

“JC…and Chris…” Lance said slowly. Then he smiled. “Okay. I can remember that.” His eyes went to Justin. “Are there any more of you coming?”

Justin fought the tears. “Uh…no. Not today. We’ll make sure no one bothers you today.”

Chris opened his mouth and closed it. He glanced at JC, who was staring at his fingers. “Well…uh…Lance…we’ll let you rest. But we’ll come visit later, if you want.”

“Please,” Lance said, smiling at him. “Bye, Chris. Bye, JC.”

“Bye,” JC whispered, almost running from the room.

“I’ll be right out,” Justin told Chris, who nodded and went to console JC. Justin sat by Lance’s side. Lance’s smile faded.

“I hate this. Who the hell are you people? Who am I? Those people before…they were my parents, I guess? I didn’t even know them,” Lance muttered. “What happened? Why am I here, Justin?”

“You…you and another one of our friends were in an accident.” Tears streamed down Justin’s face and he ignored them. “Joey was driving…he died.”

“God. I’m sorry.” Lance put a hand on Justin’s arm. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, and Justin’s heart tore. Lance had no clue what the man behind the wheel had meant to him.

“It’s okay. Anyway…we’re all part of a music group. Actually, one of the biggest in the world right now. We’re called NSYNC…for Justin, Chris, Joey, Lansten and JC. Just a fair warning, management might want to come in and talk to you, but we’ll try to fight them off. JC is really good at getting pissy with them when they go too far,” Justin said with a small smile.

“So…am I married or anything?” Lance asked, and Justin froze. “Wait. Don’t answer that.” Lance frowned, his brow wrinkling. “I’m not…because…I’m…I don’t know…but I know I’m not.”

Justin decided to wait and talk to the doctor before giving Lance any more information. “You’re right. You’re not.” Justin stood. “I should go out and check on the guys.”

“I’m sorry, Justin,” Lance said softly. “I’m sorry I can’t remember.”

“Lance, don’t apologize. Just get better. It will come back to you,” Justin said gently. “I’m sure of it.”

“Am I a good singer?” Lance asked suddenly.

“I think you sing like an angel,” Justin said truthfully, and Lance blushed slightly. “But you can’t dance.”

Lance’s laughter was music to Justin’s ears.

When Justin went into the waiting area, Chris and JC were staring out a window. “Why didn’t you tell us?” JC snapped as soon as Justin approached.

“I was hoping he’d know you,” Justin told him. JC sighed.

“He doesn’t remember anything?” Chris asked. Justin shook his head.

“I don’t think so. He didn’t even remember his parents. He actually apologized to me for not knowing us. THAT’S the old Lance shining through.” Justin sighed. “He doesn’t remember Joey. I told him Joey died, and he told me he was sorry for MY loss. Dammit.”

“We need to find his doctor,” Chris said. “I want to know what we can do to help him.”

But the doctor could give them no real assistance. “Physically he’s on the mend. His internal injuries were minor, and he’s lucky to not have broken more than his wrist. The bruises and cuts on his face will heal in time. But his mind…” The doctor shook his head. “I don’t know. There’s still so much about the brain we don’t know. You hit it in the wrong way and you lose everything. We’ll do some tests, but I think at least his short-term memory is intact, which will help him in day to day life.”

“Doctor…he…he’s gay…and the man who died was his boyfriend,” Justin said quietly. “I told him Joey died…but he has no clue about the rest. How much should we tell him?”

The doctor thought for a moment. “For now, let him worry about his physical health. Let him get better and out of this hospital. He should figure the rest out on his own. Don’t force his sexuality on him…let him realize the truth.”

“He remembered he wasn’t married,” Justin said. “I mean, he asked if he was, then before I could answer, he said he just felt that he wasn’t.”

“He lived with Joey,” JC said suddenly. “Should he go back to that house?”

“No. He shouldn’t be on his own anyway,” the doctor said. “We could keep him at the sister facility to this hospital…it’s like assisted living.”

“No,” Chris said sharply. “One of us will take him in.”

The doctors kept Lance in the hospital for a week, for observation. His mother and father visited constantly, and his sister even came from Mississippi. They brought photo albums, explained things to him, but it was as if he was hearing it all for the first time. He would shake his head sadly, guilt filling his green eyes as his mother would wipe away tears. He finally convinced her to go back home. She refused, but after Lance had a talk with his father, who in turn talked to Diane, she agreed. She realized that being around him made her son uncomfortable, and she could console him more from Mississippi then she ever could in Florida.

JC, Chris and Justin visited every day as well. They decided to take a different approach, treating Lance like the same person he had always been, and not interrogating him to find out what he did or didn’t remember. They would talk with him, watch TV with him, or play Chris’ Playstation, which he had cheerfully donated to the cause. Any time he got confused, Lance would look at Justin in a certain way, or touch Justin’s arm, and Justin would carefully fill him in without treating him like an idiot. They put up a good front, but Lance knew. He saw the pain in JC’s blue eyes when Lance treated him like a stranger, or the way Chris tried extra hard to joke around to keep an eerie silence from filling the room. He also noticed that they didn’t talk about Joey. At all.

“So…you’re leaving tomorrow,” Justin said one day after the others had left. He had brought Lance some of their music, so he could read over it, just for fun. Lance had picked it all up instantly. At least his talent was not something to be forgotten.

“Yes. But I don’t know where I’m going.” Lance sighed.

“About that…” Justin sat down on Lance’s bed by Lance’s feet. “I was wondering if you wanted to stay with me.”

“With you?”

“Yeah…I…uh…the doctor doesn’t think you should live alone. Not yet. And well…Chris is always here and there with his FuMan thing…you know…the clothing line he created?”

“Right,” Lance said, nodding. As usual, Justin had informed him of something without making it obvious.

“And JC…well…trust me, Lance. You do NOT want to live with JC. He’s anal as all fuck. You’re anal, too, to a point…but hell…he needs to pull that stick out of his ass something FIERCE.”

Lance laughed out loud. “You really want me to live with you?”

Justin took a deep breath. “Lance, I promised Jo…I mean, I promised myself after the accident that I’d do anything I could to help you. I want you to live with me.”

Lance smiled and Justin’s heart did cartwheels. “Thank you, Justin. I’m really lucky to have you as my friend.”

Justin showed up early the next morning, chatting with Lance as he packed his few belongings together. He had gifts, of course, as well as a few articles of clothing that his mother had brought him. Lance signed all the necessary forms and they walked out of the hospital, Lance refusing the wheelchair ride they told him he was supposed to have. “I’ve been pent up in here for TOO long,” he said.

He whistled at Justin’s Porsche. “Oh…it’s a mess,” Justin said defensively. He shoved some fast food wrappers off the passenger seat and put Lance’s small bag of things in the back.

“Nice car.” Lance ran a hand along the leather interior as he sat down. Justin smiled at him.

“All we’ve told you and you really haven’t gotten it, have you? Lance, you have THREE cars at your house. THREE. One of them is a freaking Jaguar. We’re lucky we made it out of the hospital. Normally we can’t walk down a street without being mobbed.” Justin laughed, enjoying the way Lance was looking at him. “Seriously.”

“I hate not knowing,” Lance whispered, staring out the window. Justin stopped laughing, placing a gentle hand on Lance’s knee.

“One day you’ll just wake up…and you’ll remember everything,” he said softly. And that’s the day I will kill myself, Justin added mentally.

Lance stared up at Justin’s huge house. “Holy hell,” he whispered.

“And half of it I don’t even use, because we’re never around. But now…” Justin let his voice trail off as he unlocked the door.

“You live alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you have a girlfriend, Justin?” Lance asked innocently. “You’ve never said.”

“I…uh…well…kinda. Britney. Britney Spears. She’s as huge as we are…but it’s kinda just for show. It’s not too serious,” he said truthfully. In all honesty Britney was purely a cover for his feelings for Lance.

“Oh. I hope to meet her sometime.” Lance looked around, then looked at Justin. “So…where do you want me?”

Justin bit back his perverted reply. “Well…up here.” He led the way upstairs. “We had most of your stuff moved over…if you want anything else, let me know and Chris or JC can pick it up.” He opened the door to a guestroom. “Home sweet home.”

“Why can’t I go get my stuff?” Lance asked, sitting on the bed and bouncing slightly.

“I…we…” Justin stammered. The last thing Lance needed was to go back to that house and see all the pictures of him and Joey. “The doctor thought it might be traumatic. I mean, you lived with Joey…and he’s…you know…”

“Yeah.” Lance leaned over and picked up a frame from the nightstand. “This is all of us?”

“Yeah. When our second album came out. It sold like a zillion copies the first DAY.” Justin sat down next to Lance.

“And this is Joey?” Lance pointed to the only unfamiliar face.

“Yeah,” Justin said sadly.

“You guys don’t talk about him.”

“It hurts,” Justin admitted.

“Tell me about him,” Lance begged. Justin sighed.

“He was funny. He had a comeback for everything. And he was such a freaking flirt. Always turning on the Fatone charm,” Justin said. He smiled as he remembered. “He stole your freaking movie right out from under you. He was crass and perverted…and sweet and kind and generous. He was protective of what was his, but if you needed something…man…Joe was there, you know?”

“I’m sorry, Justin.” Lance gave Justin a hug, and Justin finally let some tears go onto Lance’s shoulder. “He sounds great.”

If you only knew how great he was to you once, Justin thought.

Justin left Lance to get situated and went down to his small gym to work out. Lifting weights and pushing himself was the only thing that had ever worked when it came to getting Lance out of his mind, and he hoped it would work again. He mentally kicked himself for inviting Lance to stay with him. He knew he owed to Lance…owed it to Joey…but it was going to make things difficult. More than anything, Justin wanted to help Lance, wanted to be there for him, but he could not deny the feelings that still lingered. He was still in love with the man who saw him as a stranger.

“Hey…I thought we could…” Justin said as he walked into the guestroom. Lance wasn’t there. Justin wiped the sweat from his face with his towel and wandered out of the room. “Lance?”

“In here!” He heard Lance call from down the hall. Justin walked down to his study. “I hope you don’t mind that I was looking around.”

“Of course not.” Justin walked over to Lance, who was looking at all the awards and gold and platinum records that Justin had all over his study.

“Wow. I guess…I guess we really ARE something.”

“You’d better believe it,” Justin joked. Lance touched a picture, running his hand over his own face.

“I feel…I feel like I should know that person and don’t, you know?” Lance sighed. “I want to know. I want to remember when we got each and every one of these…and I can’t.”

“Lance, don’t. It will come back to you. It will come back to you and it will be this big deal and they’ll make a movie of the week about it. You can even star as yourself,” Justin said, trying to make Lance smile. It didn’t work. Justin sighed. “Anyway, I thought I’d get a shower and we could order in some pizza for lunch. I’m not much of a cook,” he finished apologetically. “I have a zillion cookbooks, a bunch of shiny pots and pans…but I have no clue what I’m doing.”

“Do you mind if I looked at them?” Lance asked.

“Lance, what’s mine in this house is yours, okay? You don’t have to ask,” Justin told him. “Of course you can look. You always were a good cook.”

“Really?” Lance asked, eager for information.

“Yep. You and JC. He’s good at desserts, and you can make just about ANYTHING you try,” Justin told him. Lance finally smiled.

“Good. Do you want me to call for the pizza?”

“Nah, I’ll do it before I hit the shower. I have the number memorized anyway.” Justin started to walk out of the room. “You want pepperoni and sausage, right?”

“Do I?” Lance asked sadly, and Justin wanted to cry again.

“I’ll make the call.” Justin left the room

When Justin came downstairs after his shower, Lance had changed into a pair of shorts and a tshirt, his normal lounge around the house clothing. Justin could still see the bruising and the cuts, and his heart ached. He slowly walked up behind Lance, who was flipping through Justin’s various cookbooks. “Whatcha doin?” Justin asked. Lance jumped.

“You’re a brat.” Lance smiled at him. “Finding things to make us for dinner. We need to go grocery shopping.”

“Grocery shopping?” Justin looked at him as if he had suggested streaking naked through town. “Lance, we can’t go grocery shopping.”

“Why not?” Lance asked. “You telling me you don’t have the money?” It was his turn to tease. Justin sighed and sat down next to him.

“Lance…we COULD go out…but it wouldn’t be any fun. We’d need to call up a bodyguard to go with us. We’d need to wear disguises. We could get mobbed.”

“Justin, don’t be…” Lance looked at Justin and realized he was serious. “So, you’re saying we’re prisoners here?”

“In a way,” Justin admitted. Lance looked at him for a long moment.

“I bet that if I went by myself, it wouldn’t be that bad, right? If you went along, it would get worse, right?” Justin blushed and said nothing. “You’re the heartthrob, aren’t you?”

“Don’t call me that,” Justin mumbled. Lance smiled and touched Justin’s hand.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad or anything. I could just tell. You have…something.” Lance tilted his head and looked at Justin. “Something special. And I don’t have it.”

“Lance…”

“Who can I call to go with me?”

Justin stared at him, then went to a drawer. He pulled out a phone list. “Anyone on this list.”

“Okay. I want to do something for you…make you nice meals. To thank you.”

“Lance,” Justin gasped. “You don’t have to thank me for anything. If anything, I’M the one who owes YOU!”

“Why?” Lance asked. “It’s not like you’re the one who caused the accident.”

Justin had to turn away.

They quickly inhaled the pizza once it came. They were cleaning up their lunch when someone rang the front doorbell. “Guess that’s my ride!” Lance said cheerfully.

“Lance, be careful, okay?” Justin warned. Lance smiled.

“I will. I’ll have one of those bodyguards with me, anyway. I promise not to spend all your money, either.” Lance scratched his head. “Um…do you think this guy could take me to the bank, too? I don’t know…I just feel better with my own money.”

“Sure. Here.” Justin dug through a drawer, pulling out a folder of information. “We all keep this stuff on each other…just in case. I never thought I’d use it.” He jotted down Lance’s account numbers and passwords. “They won’t let you do shit without these.”

“Thanks.” Lance folded the paper and stuck it in his back pocket. “Justin…”

“Go. Lonnie’s waiting,” Justin ordered. Lance sighed and left the kitchen. Justin leaned on the counter, burying his face in his hands.

About a half-hour after Lance had left, Justin’s phone rang. “Hello?”

“Hey, J, how’s the boy doing?”

“Hi, Jayce.” Justin sighed and flopped onto his sofa. “If you’re talking about Lance, he’s great. He’s out grocery shopping. Me, I’m a nervous wreck.”

“Grocery shopping?”

“Don’t worry. Lonnie’s with him. I think he needed out of here. I don’t blame him. I’d go stir crazy with me, too.”

“Do you want us to come over or anything?”

“Nah…maybe tomorrow. He’s gonna cook dinner tonight, and I think he should have at least one quiet evening.” Justin rubbed his eyes. “God, I have a headache.”

“Keeping him all to yourself, are you?” JC gently teased.

“Fuck off, JC. It’s not like that at all. Call back tomorrow.” Justin angrily hung up, then cursed himself for being rude to his friend. He knew the only reason he had gotten angry was because it was true. Deep down inside, he was glad to finally have Lance to himself.

When Lance returned two hours later, Justin was sleeping on the sofa. Lance went to the kitchen, unpacked the groceries, then came to sit on the floor by the sofa. He looked at Justin for a long moment, taking in the soft curls, the pouting red lips, the long eyelashes. He reached up and touched Justin’s cheek, trying to remember. Something was there…something pushed at his brain…and he couldn’t get a grasp on it. He sighed with frustration. “Justin,” Lance whispered.

“Lance…” Justin smiled sleepily, not quite awake. He blinked a few times, then sat up. “Lance! You’re back! Are you okay? Did you get everything you wanted?”

“Yeah…I’m fine,” Lance laughed. “And you’re right. Like fifteen people rushed me at once for my autograph. Lonnie tried to keep them away, but I talked to them anyway. It was something else…one girl actually cried.” Lance blushed slightly. “That was weird.”

“I bet.” Justin stretched. “Um…JC called. Maybe you should call him back? I think he thinks I can’t keep an eye on you or something.” Justin smiled a little. “I’m not the most responsible one of the five of us.”

“Who is?” Lance asked.

“You,” Justin answered immediately.

“I am?”

“Yep. You have like a million things going on. NSYNC. Movies. Your production company. Your management company. And you do it all at once while being incredibly busy.”

“Wow. I guess I AM organized.”

“What did you organize for dinner?” Justin asked, and Lance laughed.

“You’ll see. What’s JC’s number?” Lance stood.

“It’s programmed into the phone. And tell him I’m sorry, okay?” Justin stood and wandered off to his room.

Lance cooked a delicious pasta dish, and Justin realized that if Lance kept cooking this way, he’d have to work out three hours a day to keep it all off. They got settled in the living room, and Justin channel-surfed.

“So…JC coming for dinner tomorrow?” Justin asked.

“Yeah…Chris, too. I think they’re worried.”

“They care about you, Lance. We all do,” Justin said softly. “A lot.”

“I know. I feel that. I appreciate it. And I want to get to know everyone again.” Lance tilted his head to the side. “Justin, I’m really glad you’re the one I’m staying with. I feel…I just feel comfortable with you. JC and Chris seem like great guys…but I feel this weird connection to you that I don’t understand.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Justin said, not looking away from the television. His heart was pounding, and he was so close to telling Lance how he felt. “We were scared, Lance…when you were rolled in…it looked so bad.” Justin swallowed the lump in his throat. “And then when Joey came in…all I could think was that God wouldn’t take both of my brothers from me…”

“Justin.” Lance was at his side in an instant, giving him a hug. “God doesn’t do that…he doesn’t “take” things from you…he has reasons for everything.” Lance stroked the curls. “Maybe he needed someone with a good falsetto for the angel choir, and he decided Joey would sing best.”

“And flirt with the female angels,” Justin said softly.

“Right. And flirt with the angels,” Lance repeated. “I promise…He didn’t steal Joey from us without giving us something else.”

Justin pulled back and looked at him. “Lance, believe me when I say you have not sounded more like yourself then you JUST did.”

“Really.” Lance thought for a moment. “I think I’m gonna go up to my room, get settled into bed. Do you mind?”

“No…go on up. Sweet dreams, Lance.”

“You, too, Justin.” Lance gave Justin’s shoulder a squeeze and slowly plodded up the steps.

Justin stared after Lance, then realized something that made him sit straight up. No one had told Lance that Joey sang falsetto.

Justin pulled himself out of bed at eleven the next morning. He had had a restless night. Every time he’d fall asleep, nightmares had awakened him. In one dream, Lance had regained his memory and was screaming at him, telling Justin how much he hated him for killing Joey. In another dream, the worst one, a bloody and battered Joey had followed Justin everywhere he went, whispering in his ear how he owed it to Joey to leave Lance alone and never tell him of his feelings. It was an awful night.

Justin went to the bathroom, pulled on some boxers, and sleepily padded down the steps. He stopped on the last step and sniffed. Coffee. He ambled into the kitchen. Lance was behind the newspaper. “Good morning, Justin.”

“Morning.” Justin yawned and headed for the cupboard.

“I already have your cereal in a bowl,” Lance told him. Justin froze. “I only saw Cap’n Crunch in there.”

Justin slowly turned around. “What?”

“I had eggs, but…” Lance’s eyes widened. “You never told me that, did you? You only like cereal for breakfast, right?” A smile covered his face. “I remembered that all by myself!”

“You sure did, Lance,” Justin said weakly. He wanted to cry, but instead he poured the milk over his cereal and got a cup of coffee. “So…anything special you want to do today?”

“I though…” Lance bit his lip. “Do you have any tapes? Any footage of us performing? I want to see.”

Justin’s heart sank. “Lance, are you sure…”

“Yes, Justin, I am. I want to see us, want to see ME. I want to figure out who I am…what I do…and I think it will help.”

“Yes, Lance, I do,” Justin said finally. “Not only performance…Joey was the king of the home video…I have backstage stuff, too.”

“Really? That would be so great!”

Justin stared at his cereal, suddenly not hungry. “Let me take a shower. Actually…why don’t you go ahead and watch by yourself for a bit? In the rec room…the cabinet next to the TV. That’s all our stuff.” Justin left the kitchen without another word.

“Hello?” Justin answered the phone as he dried off.

“Hey, J.”

“Hi, Jayce, what’s up?” Justin sighed and sat on the bed.

“I wondered if you needed us to bring anything when we came over tonight.”

“I think Lance has it all under control.” Justin rubbed his temples.

“How’s he doing?”

“Fine. Just dandy. Last night he remembered that Joey sang falsetto, and today he remembered that I only eat cereal for breakfast.”

“That’s great!”

“And now he’s downstairs watching footage of us so he can try to remember more,” Justin said.

“Are you okay, Justin?” JC asked. “Maybe he should stay with me.”

“No!” Justin said quickly. “I promised Joey…I said I’d watch over him and I will.”

“But you…”

“But I love him. Fine. I can handle it, okay, JC?” Justin said almost angrily. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I just…I want him so bad, Jayce. He’s just out of reach…and he’s free now…but he’s NOT free. Joey will always be there, standing between us.”

“I’m sorry,” JC said softly.

“It’s okay.” Justin vigorously dried his curls with the towel. “So…what time are you coming?”

“He said dinner will be at six, but if you want, I can come earlier.”

“Can you?” Justin asked gratefully. He needed someone else there, someone who could distract him from Lance.

“What the hell were we thinking?” Lance laughed as Justin entered the rec room. Lance was watching a VERY old videotape from when they had just started out. “Look at my hair! Look at your hair! Look at CHRIS’ hair!” Lance laughed so hard he almost fell off the sofa. Justin couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah…we were dorks.”

“JC looks the same…except for the hair,” Lance observed. “And Joey…” Lance tilted his head to the side. “Um…from that picture you showed me…he looks kinda the same, too. Except no beard.”

“Joey never really changed all that much,” Justin said softly. “JC got kinda snooty, Chris got all business-minded…as you did…and me…well…I guess I kinda have let the heartthrob thing go to my head.” Justin smiled at the way Joey was goofing off with Chris on the screen. “But Joey…he was still the boy from Brooklyn. He’d go home and nothing would change.”

“What’s this?” Lance waved a tape in the air marked “MMC.”

“No. No no no,” Justin told him, but that only made Lance grin. He put the tape in the VCR.

“Is that YOU?” Lance pointed to the young boy on the screen. Justin sighed.

“Yes. And that beanpole in the back is JC.”

“No WAY.” Lance stared open mouthed. “You were adorable!”

Justin blushed. “No, I wasn’t. And that…that girl is Britney. The one I mentioned.”

“Your girlfriend.”

“Kinda.”

“Have you talked to her since we’re back?” Lance asked. Justin shook his head.

“She’s in Australia.”

“I see.” Lance watched for a moment. “How did we all get together?”

“Chris knew Joey, and he knew JC. And it ended up JOEY knew JC. And JC knew me. And my vocal coach knew you. And now we’re NSYNC. Well…we were…” Justin trailed off.

“Justin, come here, please.” Lance paused the tape and patted the seat next to him. Justin slowly walked over and sat down. Lance looked him in the eye. “I get a weird vibe from you…like there’s something you’re not telling me.”

Justin’s eyes widened. “Lance…”

“I know I don’t really know you…but I feel connected to you, like I’ve told you before.”

“We’re the youngest…we hung out a lot while the others went out and partied,” Justin told him.

“There’s more, isn’t there? Something you’re not telling me?”

Justin decided a half-truth couldn’t hurt. “I’m gay, Lance. Britney isn’t my girlfriend…she’s a cover for me. I don’t have a boyfriend, I’ve never even had a date, but I know what I want and it isn’t a girl.” Justin looked down. “I didn’t want to tell you, because I didn’t want you to hate me.”

“That’s all?” Lance smiled. “I couldn’t hate you, Justin. I know I couldn’t.”

“Don’t be so sure,” Justin muttered.

When JC arrived, Lance had given up on the videos and was pouring through photo albums. Justin was in the gym, working out like he was going to die tomorrow. JC said hello to Lance, then went to find Justin.

“Hey.” Justin pounded a punching bag, letting a series of right jabs fly.

“Hey.” JC held the bag still, giving Justin more to hit. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Justin panted. “Just fine. I told Lance was gay.”

JC’s mouth fell open. “You WHAT?”

“I told him I was gay. He said he felt I was hiding something from him, so I told him that. Nothing more. Nothing about him and Joey. Nothing.” Justin stopped punching, and the pain in his blue eyes shocked JC.

“Justin…” JC hugged Justin, ignoring the fact that Justin was sweaty. “I’m sorry, man.”

“I…” Justin squeezed his eyes closed, trying to fight back tears of frustration.

“Hey, I was wondering…” Lance’s voice trailed off as he walked into the gym. “Oh…um, sorry.”

“No, Lance, what?” JC pulled away, giving Lance a friendly grin.

“What’s going on here?” Lance pointed to a picture. Justin froze. It was the night that he had gotten drunk and blurted out his true feelings for Lance. “Where’s Justin?”

“He…uh…he got drunk and left,” JC told Lance. “I forgot we even had someone take a picture of us.” He looked at the way Joey had his arm around Lance’s shoulders. Total possessiveness.

“Me and Joey were close, weren’t we?” Lance asked.

“Best friends and then some,” Justin answered quickly.

“Right.” Lance frowned and left the gym. Justin sighed.

“Go get cleaned up. I’ll hang with him and answer his questions,” JC told Justin. Justin nodded and went upstairs.

“So, then, a bird pooped on Chris’ head and he liked it so much that he kept his braids black and white,” JC finished.

“I did not.” Chris threw a piece of garlic bread at JC. “Don’t listen to him, Lance.”

“This was so good,” JC said to Lance, sighing. “I’m so full.”

“And you didn’t even get dessert,” Lance said, standing to clear the plates.

“I’ll do that,” Justin said quickly. He needed to get away from Lance for five minutes. Throughout dinner, he had watched Lance, watched the way he smiled, the way he talked, the way he laughed. And he thought Lance might have been watching him, but he figured it was just his imagination.

“Dessert?” Chris asked eagerly.

“Chocolate cream pie,” Lance told him.

“Okay, maybe I’m not so full,” JC said.

Justin went into the kitchen. Lance followed and got the pie out of the fridge. “Justin, can I ask you something?” Lance asked timidly.

“Of COURSE, Lance. Anything.”

“Are you and JC like…together?”

The dishes fell into the sink with a crash. “Everything okay in there?” Chris called.

“Fine!” Justin yelled back. He looked at Lance. “JC? Are you crazy, Lance? I’d kill JC in a heartbeat. Besides, he’s not gay. He has a girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry. I just…when I came in the gym….”

“He was consoling me…I was…depressed for a second.”

“I’m sorry, Justin. Is there anything I can do?” Lance whispered, placing his hand on Justin’s shoulder.

Justin thought about how easy it would be to turn his head and place a kiss on that hand. “No,” he said finally. “I’m okay.”

“Good.” Lance smiled, then picked up the pie. “And Justin? I’m glad you’re not with JC.” Lance smiled shyly and left the kitchen.

JC and Chris stayed until around eleven, and Justin was sorry to see them go. Lance’s comment had really thrown him. He didn’t understand it. For all intents and purposes, Lance really didn’t even KNOW him. Why would he care WHO Justin was involved with?

Justin cornered Chris at the door as JC was saying goodbye to Lance. “Hey, Chris, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Curly.”

“Isn’t there some kinda psychology thing where one person, like, saves another person, and the saved person kinda gets a crush on them?”

“Yeah…it’s called the Florence Nightingale syndrome. Why?”

“Is it permanent?”

“Not that I’m aware of. Why?” Chris persisted.

“No reason. We…uh…watched something about it on the Discovery Channel, that’s all,” Justin lied. Chris grinned.

“The Discovery Channel? Lance is finally rubbing off on you.” Chris went to hug Lance.

“You need anything, you call me, okay?” JC told Justin. Justin nodded. He walked Chris and JC out to their cars. When he wandered back in, Lance was doing dishes.

“Let me help.” Justin picked up a dishtowel.

“So…I have a management company?” Lance asked.

“Yeah. AND a movie company. You do it all, Lansten,” Justin teased.

“Who’s running them now?”

“Well, your partners, I guess. I could run over and grab your briefcase from the house, if you want.”

“Why can’t I come along?” Lance rinsed the last plate and handed it to Justin.

Justin closed his eyes, visualizing the pictures of Joey and Lance that covered every flat surface of the house they had shared. “The doctor thinks you should stay away…because of Joey. You guys were really close.”

“I see.” Lance said slowly. “Yeah, if you could roll over there tomorrow…”

“Of course,” Justin said, smiling at Lance.

The next few days passed in a comfortable fashion. Lance read through all his paperwork and spent a lot of time on the phone. “Just like old times,” Justin griped to JC as they shot baskets at a park one afternoon. Chris had picked Lance up and taken him in to the FreeLance offices.

“But that’s a good thing, right?” JC shot and missed.

“Yeah.” Justin caught the ball and dribbled it. “Jayce, I need to tell you something.”

“Sure, J.” JC cast worried blue eyes on his friend.

“I think…I think Lance likes me. Like LIKES me,” Justin whispered.

“WHAT?” JC gasped.

“I know. I don’t want to believe it. But he touches me, smiles at me, compliments me…”

“Justin, this is sick. The man has AMNESIA, and you’re trying to find ways to hook up with him!”

“I am NOT!” Justin yelled. “I promised Joey I wouldn’t. I treat Lance the same way I’d treat you or Chris if the situation was different. God, JC, Lance doesn’t even know he’s GAY.”

“Unless you’ve told him.”

Justin had never wanted to hit someone in his life as much as he wanted to hit his best friend. “Fuck you, JC. I’m outta here.” He shoved the ball at JC’s stomach and took off, ignoring the fact that JC had driven them there.

Justin walked for almost two hours, not even sure of where he was headed. He was so confused. He still loved Lance with all his heart, but he had made a promise to Joey. He also knew that he wasn’t imagining things. Lance HAD been acting strangely. And Justin was torn. Part of him wanted to explore this possible relationship…but part of him knew it was simply WRONG.

He froze as he realized where he was. The rolling green hills and silent pine trees were all too familiar. Justin thought for a moment, then headed in the correct direction. He fell to his knees by Joey’s headstone. “Joe, I fucked up SO bad,” Justin said, and he started to cry.

“Hello, Timberlake residence,” Lance said, answering the phone in the living room.

“Lance.”

“Justin, where are you? JC has called three times, freaked out of his head.”

“Fuck JC. Can you come get me if I give you directions?”

“Sure.” Lance picked up a pen and paper.

Justin played with the buttons on his cellphone until he saw his own car come crawling up the winding drive of the cemetery. “Justin? Are you okay?” Lance came running as soon as the car stopped. He looked around. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I…I started walking, and ended up here.” Justin took Lance’s hand. “C’mere.” He led Lance down the path. “Joey, here’s Lance,” he said softly. Lance stiffened. He knelt by the stone.

“Uh…Joey. Hi. I’m sorry I don’t remember you…from what I hear you’re wonderful. But I’ll keep trying. There’s a lot I desperately want to remember and can’t…and you’re at the top of the list.” Lance looked up at Justin. “Justin…were YOU and Joey…”

“NO! God, no!” Justin said. “No, not us. We were friends, that’s all.”

Lance stood up. “I need to ask you something. Be honest.” Justin nodded. “Was I…was I gay, too?”

“We can’t talk about this here,” Justin said quickly, leading Lance back to the car.

“Why? Was Joey homophobic or something?”

“No. Definitely not.” Justin got behind the wheel. “Yes, Lance, you’re gay. At least you were. I’m assuming you still would be…but I don’t know.”

“Good.” Lance was relieved. “Because even though I’ve known you just a short while, I have been feeling…”

“Nothing. You’ve been feeling nothing, okay, Lance? Nothing at all. If anything, it’s that Florence Nightingale thing, where you feel something because I’ve helped you. You feel nothing else, you understand me?” Justin yelled. Lance shrank back, nodding.

Justin angrily burst out of the car and into the house before Lance could say another word. Justin had driven like a bat out of hell the entire way home, with Lance staring out the window in silence. Justin ran up to his room, slammed the door behind him, and went into the adjoining bathroom. He turned on the water and quickly stripped off his basketball clothes. He told himself that the water on his face was simply from the shower. He wasn’t crying.

Lance slowly walked into the house, not knowing where to go or what to say. He silently sat down in the rec room, turning on the VCR and the television. Joey’s smiling face seemed to burst on the screen. “And this…this is the baby. This is Justin.” He put an arm around a young Justin, rubbing his curls affectionately. “You getting this Steve? Getting how cute the baby is? He’s gonna turn eighteen soon.”

“Knock it off, Joey,” Justin snapped, moving away. Joey captured him again, then released him.

“And here…this is the other baby. This is Lansten. Say hi, Lance.” Joey cupped Lance’s chin in his hand and pointed Lance’s face to the camera.

“Hi, Lance,” Lance groaned, and the present-time Lance rolled his eyes. How cheesy.

“Aren’t they the cutest?” Joey gushed, grabbing each boy under an arm and hugging him to him.

Lance smiled, then he frowned. He grabbed the remote and rewound. He found the spot he wanted and paused the VCR. He stared at Justin’s face, and the way Justin was staring. At HIM.

Justin dried off so ferociously his skin was almost rubbed raw. He’d have to call JC. That was all there was to it. JC or Chris. There was NO way he could let Lance stay there. It wasn’t Lance’s fault…but still. He didn’t want anything to happen. He owed Joey that much. Lance, too, for that matter. Justin would be paying for this accident for the rest of his life, but part of that payment would NOT be sharing a house with Lance.

He opened the door to his bedroom and almost screamed. “Jesus, Lance! Scare me to fucking death!” Justin quickly tied the towel around his waist and went to find pajama bottoms. Lance was seated on his bed.

“The door was open,” Lance said almost apologetically. Justin shrugged. “I just came to tell you you’re right.”

“I’m right?” Justin quickly tugged the pants on before dropping the towel.

“About me…and my feelings for you. You’re right. I mean, you’re the only one I really know, and you’ve been so fantastic to me, taking me in. I’m probably just grateful or something…and you don’t have to worry.” Lance’s green eyes never left Justin’s face. “I won’t say or do anything else.”

“Lance…I’m sorry. I…I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“I can imagine you were kinda freaked, hearing me say what I said,” Lance replied. Justin sighed.

“I still shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“Apology accepted.” Lance gave Justin a warm smile. “Go call JC, please. He was really worried about you.”

“How about YOU call him, okay? I’m not ready to talk to him yet. We fought…and he said something I can’t forgive,” Justin said, though deep in his heart, he knew that what JC said really hadn’t been that far off the mark, though at least Justin knew he hadn’t been imagining things about the way Lance had acted towards him.

A few weeks passed and Justin almost felt as if things were the way they used to be. He and Lance hung out together, they laughed together, they talked seriously together. Every day Lance remembered something new, and though it scared Justin, he couldn’t help but smile at the happy way Lance would exclaim, “I remembered that all by myself!” Sometimes it was like dealing with a child who was learning things for the first time.

But other times it was definitely NOT like dealing with a child. Like when Lance first got up in the morning, all sleepy and sexy, with a voice so low it sent shivers right down to Justin’s cock. Or when Lance had just gotten out of the shower, with his damp hair and his soapy-smelling skin. Or when Lance climbed out of the swimming pool, water running in little trails down his smooth chest. It was during THOSE times that Justin thought he would go out of his mind.

Lance kept his word. He mentioned nothing about what he had said that day at the cemetery. JC and Justin finally made up, with JC apologizing for what he had said. Justin was pretty sure that it was Lance who had made JC apologize; it was rare that stubborn JC ever admitted he was wrong. But everyone, Justin included, tried their best to keep Lance happy, until he was his old self again.

Because of certain business issues, the reading of Joey’s will had been postponed. There were problems with NSYNC management, and finally JC and Chris had gotten them all resolved. The family’s section was read to them in private in New York; only the four remaining members of NSYNC attended the reading in Orlando.

The attorney handed Justin a box. “Mr. Timberlake…Mr. Fatone wished you to have this box.”

“Okay.” Justin took the box. It was light. The attorney also handed boxes to JC and Chris. Lance looked at the attorney curiously.

“I’ll read this officially, if you wish, but basically Mr. Fatone left everything in the house, except some personal effects he has distributed to family, to you, Mr. Bass.”

“Everything?” Lance gasped. Chris and JC exchanged looks.

“Yes. You sound surprised.”

“I am. Whoa.” Lance sat back. “What exactly is…everything?”

“The property, the furniture, the cars…everything that was in Mr. Fatone’s name is now yours.”

“Damn,” Chris whispered. Even he hadn’t expected this.

“You guys wanna grab some lunch?” JC asked as they left the attorney’s office. Justin shook his head.

“Um, no. I’d…kinda like to be alone right now.” He looked down at his box. “Can one of you drop Lance off after?”

“Sure, man, no problem.” Chris waved at Justin and led the way to his car.

Justin sat in the middle of his bed and stared at the box for almost fifteen minutes. He slowly pulled off the lid. Inside was an envelope addressed to him in Joey’s handwriting.

“Justin…I really wish you weren’t reading this, because if you ARE, it means I’m no longer around. Anyway, I know we’ve had some problems, some differences, but I think I understand. I mean, who loves Lance more than you, except me? He is amazing, and when I see the pain in your eyes, I almost hate the fact that he and I are together. I know how much you love him…but I love him too. At any rate…these are some songs I was writing that I thought you would be interested in. I’ve kept them in this box in case something ever happened to me before I got them done. Use them however you want to, Justin. And take care of yourself…and Lance, if something should happen to me and he would survive. Love always, Joey.”

Justin picked up one of the pieces of sheet music and read it. He was shocked at how good it was. No one had known Joey could write. Not like this. Justin held the music to his chest and stared out the window.

Lance moaned as he unlocked the front door of Justin’s house. He had eaten way too much. Damn Chris for talking him into that piece of strawberry mousse pie. “Justin?” Lance yelled. “You here?”

“Yeah.” Justin wearily made his way down the steps.

“Are you okay?” Lance put a hand on Justin’s shoulder. Justin didn’t reply, and Lance put a hand on Justin’s cheek. “Justin?”

“Lance…” Justin wanted to say so much, but words wouldn’t come.

“Justin,” Lance repeated softly, his fingers running across Justin’s lips. “I’m sorry.” Lance pulled back, frowning.

“I…I…” Justin fought and fought, but years of loving Lance took over. He grabbed Lance’s hand before Lance could completely move away. Lance’s eyes widened, and he leaned forward slowly. Justin couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him as he kissed Lance for the very first time.

Kissing Lance was everything Justin had dreamt of. Kissing Lance was MORE than Justin could have ever dreamt of. Lance’s lips were soft, and he tasted like strawberries. Lance’s hands rested on Justin’s hips, then slowly slid up to lightly tug at Justin’s curls. Justin moaned, letting his tongue flicker into Lance’s mouth. Lance eagerly let it in, pressing his body against Justin’s. Justin finally pushed gently, forcing Lance to step back.

“Wow,” Lance whispered. “Did we ever do that before?” Justin shook his head. “I didn’t think so. I KNOW I would have remembered THAT.”

Justin smiled, fighting the urge to kiss Lance again. Then he frowned. “This is so wrong,” he sighed.

“Why, Justin? I care about you. I’m attracted to you. And I KNOW you feel the same way.”

Justin sat down on the steps. “Lance, you’re still not yourself. It’s just weird.”

“God…Justin…you’re so sweet.” Lance sat next to him. “So I can’t remember everything. Every day I remember something more. Maybe…this accident was a GOOD thing, though.”

“PLEASE don’t say that.” Justin buried his face in his hands, tired of fighting his feelings. He was surprised to feel tears drip through his fingers.

“Justin, don’t cry. I’m sorry.” Lance put an arm around Justin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“DON’T apologize, Lance.” Justin sniffled and stood. “C’mere.” He led Lance to his bedroom. “Read these.” He handed Joey’s songs to Lance.

“These are really good, Justin.” Lance quickly read through the pieces of sheet music.

“I didn’t write them. Joey did. They were in that box. God, Lance, he couldn’t give them to me when he was alive? And now this.” Justin sat on his bed. Lance knelt before him, grabbing his hands.

“Justin, you admitted to me once that you and I have a connection. Why can’t we explore that?” Lance squeezed Justin’s hands. “I know we’re different. You’re spontaneous and sexy. I’m anal and conservative. But can’t we just try?” Lance begged. “I bet Joey would want us to be happy.”

“He’d want YOU to be happy, maybe,” Justin mumbled.

“Let me cook you dinner,” Lance said suddenly. “Like a date, but we stay here. Be cleaned up and dressed nice by, say, seven, okay?”

“Okay,” Justin said wearily.

Justin came downstairs at seven, wearing a pair of black dress pants and a blue dress shirt. He sniffed appreciatively as he walked towards the dining room. He gasped at the way the table was set. He had forgotten he even OWNED dishes this nice. “Sit down,” Lance called from the kitchen. He came out, smiling at Justin. “Dinner will be ready in two minutes.”

“Wow,” Justin whispered. Lance came back and poured Justin a glass of wine. He hurried back into the kitchen, then came to the dining room with two plates and a glass of wine for himself.

“I hope you like it,” Lance said nervously. “I don’t think I’ve made it before.”

Justin looked down at the steaks, which were covered in a Marsala wine and mushroom sauce. “No, I bet you haven’t. Joey…” Justin began, then stopped. “Um, Joey didn’t like mushrooms.”

“Oh. Maybe that’s what inspired me to make it tonight,” Lance said with a smile. “Something special just for you.”

“Right,” Justin whispered. He looked down and took a bite. “It’s good,” he told Lance. Lance smiled.

“Good…I wanted you to like it.” Lance started to eat his own dinner. Justin suddenly dropped his fork onto his plate, making them both jump. “Justin, what is it?”

“I just…Lance, you cannot possibly know how much I have wanted this, and for how long…”

“At least three or four years, right?” Lance asked gently, and Justin’s mouth fell open. “I’ve been watching a lot of tapes, Justin. I saw how you looked at me. It was so obvious. Why didn’t I notice then?”

“I don’t know,” Justin said truthfully.

“Well, I’m noticing now. So relax and eat, okay?” Lance asked, and Justin nodded.

They chatted comfortably as they ate, with them each drinking almost three glasses of wine. Justin pushed his chair back and sighed. “I think this is the best date I’ve ever been on,” he told Lance, who giggled.

“And how many guy-guy dates have you gone on, Mr. Timberlake?”

“None,” Justin whispered, blushing. “I…none.”

“Well, then we have to do this right.” Lance got up and went into the living room. Justin heard him flipping through CDs. “Well, get your sexy self in here, Justin!” Lance called. Justin hurried into the other room. “Dance with me. No date is complete without dancing.”

“Dance?” Justin laughed self-consciously, and Lance blushed. “I’d love to,” Justin said quickly. “But I’ve never…danced…with a guy…”

“We’ll figure it out,” Lance said, moving to the center of the living room. “But I’m PRETTY sure we need to be together.”

“Right.” Justin blushed and walked over to Lance. Lance leaned over and pushed play on the CD player, and held his arms out. He cradled one of Justin’s hands between their chests, as Justin put his other hand at Lance’s neck. Lance rested his hand on Justin’s waist.

“I heard this the other day when I was looking for something to listen to…and I thought of you as soon as I heard it,” Lance told Justin. He slowly started to sing, and Justin felt his knees go weak. “Would you dance…if I asked you to dance…would you run…and never look back? Would you cry, if you saw me crying…would you save my soul…tonight…”

“Lance,” Justin whispered, but Lance silenced him with a kiss.

“Would you tremble…if I touched your lips…would you laugh, oh, please tell me this…now, would you die, for the one you love? Hold me in your arms, tonight…” Lance stopped dancing. “You’re my hero, Justin.”

“No,” Justin said, shaking his head. “If you only knew…”

“Knew what, Justin? Tell me…whatever you think is between us can be worked out.” This was the old Lance, ever the optimist. He had learned that from Joey. His eyes searched Justin’s face. Justin couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell Lance the truth.

“If you only knew how much I love you, Lance,” Justin whispered. Lance smiled and hugged Justin close.

“Am I in too deep…have I lost my mind…I don’t care, you’re here tonight,” Lance whispered, and Justin’s heart mimicked the sentiments.

Justin slept late the next morning, because he had had a hard time getting to sleep the night before. He and Lance had finished their dance, talked for a bit, then Justin had said he was tired. He needed time alone. He didn’t know WHAT to do. Part of him yearned to explore this thing with Lance. He had loved him FOREVER, and now he was getting his chance. But at what cost? There was the whole Joey thing, plus what Chris and JC would think. They would hate him…and knowing Lance, Lance would side with Justin, and then he’d lose JC and Chris as well. Life wasn’t fair.

“Justin…wake up…” A low voice said softly.

“Sleeping,” Justin murmured, rolling onto his stomach and pulling his pillow over his head. Soft kisses were planted along his spine, and suddenly Justin was awake. He froze.

“Justin…hey baby boy…wake up. I made you breakfast. I need to leave soon and I wanted to waken you…”

Justin rolled over, blinking. “Leave? Where are you going?”

“Don’t look so scared,” Lance said, smiling. “I have to go in to the office for a while. Can I take your car?”

“Sure,” Justin said, sitting up. Lance was sitting on the edge of the bed, and a tray was on the nightstand. “Breakfast? Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Lance leaned forward and gave Justin a kiss. Justin forgot all about breakfast, moaning. Lance smiled, then kissed Justin again, leaning him back against the pillows. “Good morning,” Lance rumbled in Justin’s ear, kissing down his neck.

“God…” Justin panted, arching up. Lance’s hand ran down Justin’s bare chest. “St-stop, Lance.” Justin found those words the hardest thing he had ever had to say. “I…whoa…” Justin’s heart was beating a mile a minute.

“Did I do something wrong?” Lance bit his lip.

“God, NO. I just…I never…” Justin grabbed Lance’s hand and placed it on his chest. Lance smiled at the way Justin’s heart was thumping.

“I did that?” Justin nodded. “Damn,” Lance whispered. “I guess I better go before things get out of hand.”

“They already did,” Justin said weakly, running a hand down the erection that poked against the sheet. Lance grinned.

“Well…there’s your breakfast…cereal and toast. And I put extra butter on the toast…I remembered that you like it that way!” Lance said triumphantly. “I hope I remember all kinds of things about you, Justin.”

“Yeah,” Justin sighed, pulling the tray onto his lap. “Be careful, Lance.”

“I will. Chris has to go into the city, too, so we’ll probably hook up for a muffin or something,” Lance said, standing.

“Lance…don’t say anything to Chris, okay? About us.”

“Are you ashamed or something?” Lance asked.

“God, no, Lance. I’d love nothing more than to announce to the world that we’re…whatever we are. But…Chris wouldn’t understand, and JC definitely wouldn’t understand. They’d think I was taking advantage of you. They…they know how I’ve felt about you.”

“But you’re not taking advantage of me,” Lance said, his eyes bright and innocent. Justin’s heart broke. “I’ll be home in a few hours. Bye, Justin.” Lance gave him a peck on the forehead and left the bedroom.

“Fuck,” Justin whispered, angrily poking his Lucky Charms with his spoon.

Justin spent the morning looking through the songs Joey had given him.  They were good, for the most part, but a few of the melodies he used didn't sit right with Justin. He called JC.  "Hey…Jayce…I…uh, need a favor."

"So you're calling ME?  Wow…I'm flattered."

"Shut up," Justin snapped, not in the mood for JC's attitude.  "Joey…left me some songs."

"You too, huh?  He gave me a few as well. They're good."

"Yeah," Justin said sadly. "I just wish he woulda felt confident enough to share these…before."

"Yeah," JC agreed.

"So…this one is REALLY good lyrically, but I can't work with his melody.  And I'm drawing a blank.  Could you come work on it for a bit if you're not busy?"

"Where's Lance?"

"At the office. He and Chris were gonna hook up for a bit."

"We should try to get together tonight…take in a movie or something."

"You don't trust me with Lance, do you, JC?" Justin asked.  JC paused.

"Of course I do. I just…"

"JC, it's fine. I promise.  I'm not gonna rape Lance."

"I KNOW you won't.  I'll be over in twenty minutes, Justin."

Justin hung up and played with the buttons on the phone. "You can't rape the willing anyway," he muttered.

“Guess what?” Lance yelled excitedly as he and Chris entered the house. “Justin?”

“Down here!” Justin yelled, calling from his makeshift studio. He and JC were huddled over the piano, working on Joey’s music. “Okay, how about a C sharp here, and then this will change keys on the twenty-third measure?”

“Yeah…but then we’ll have to hold the note here…” JC marked the paper with his pencil.

“What’s that?” Chris asked.

“Uh…Joey gave us some music and we were improving it a little,” JC said softly.

“Not that it NEEDS it really,” Justin said quickly.

“I didn’t get music from him,” Chris said finally. “He left me most of his Superman stuff.”

“Shit, Chris,” Justin breathed. “That’s a lot of stuff.”

“Yeah. I’ll need to decorate a whole room with it.”

“Like a Joey shrine,” Lance said with a smile. “He’d like that. He said that you were the only one that understood his obsession…” Lance trailed off, green eyes widening. “I remembered that,” he said in awe. He sat down hard. “God, it’s like memories just come buzzing into my head like a swarm of bees. One minute I’m clueless, and the next minute I’m going crazy with information.”

JC sat down next to him and rubbed his back. “Take it easy, Lance…you’ll be fine. The doctor said it would all come back.”

“And that’ll be great when it does!” Chris said enthusiastically.

“So…what was your big news when you came in?” Justin interrupted, not wanting to explore the idea of Lance’s memory any further.

“Oh.” Lance smiled broadly. “I remembered stuff…about the movie that I did with Joey.” Justin gulped. That movie had made Joey and Lance realize how they truly felt about each other. “And then I remembered the OTHER movie.” He looked at Justin. “The one you were gonna read for. And they still wanna do it!” Lance bounced on his heels excitedly. “A new movie! I kinda remember…uh…that the other one didn’t do too well…apparently I can’t act or something?” The seriousness with which he asked the question cracked the other men up.

“Well, you could use some improvement,” JC said, chuckling.

“Joey stole the movie,” Justin told Lance. “Completely.”

“Well…I’m thinking that if we bank this movie on the star power of one Justin Timberlake, we should make up for all that,” Lance said, smiling at Justin.

“I don’t know,” Justin said softly, playing with the piece of sheet music.

“Do it,” JC whispered. “Joey would want you to.”

“Don’t pull that shit with me, Jayce,” Justin snapped.

“Please, Justin.” Lance got down on one knee by the piano bench. “It’s a beginning for all of us.” Lance gave Justin a sly grin. “And since that singing thing kinda fell through…whatever happened to that group you were in, anyway?”

Justin couldn’t help but smile back. “Get me a script and I’ll consider it.”

“Great.” Lance hugged Justin, taking the opportunity to sneak a kiss behind Justin’s ear.

“Uh, I have some not so great news,” Chris blurted out. Three heads turned towards him. “Our PR guy caught me at FuMan…Barbara Walters wants to interview us all…live…about Joey. About the accident. I told him we’d get back to him.” Chris’ dark eyes were serious.

“Wow,” JC whispered.

“I think we should do it,” Lance said immediately.

“Lance, she’ll grill the shit out of you,” Justin told him. “Asking about your memory, trying to pull shit out of you.”

“It’s okay.” Lance was perfectly calm. “We need to move on. And our fans need to know we’re all okay. Even if we’re not NSYNC anymore, I bet they still care.”

“Yeah,” Chris agreed.

“Are you sure, Lance?” JC asked. Lance smiled at him, then looked up slightly.

“Absolutely. After all, we have an angel on our side, right?”

“Okay. You guys sit there. How about Lance sits next to Barbara and…”

“No.” Chris interrupted the stage manager. “No. I’LL sit next to her, then Lance, Justin and JC.”

Justin smiled. He didn’t have to worry about protecting Lance when Chris was around. No one stood up for his friends like Chris. “You okay?” Justin whispered to Lance. Lance nodded.

“Fine. I’m glad you’re here, though,” Lance said, squeezing Justin’s hand.

“Gentlemen.” Barbara Walters walked across the studio, impeccably dressed in a dark green suit. She shook everyone’s hand. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Thank you for having us,” Lance said, smiling at her.

“Let’s go over a few things, shall we?” She asked, sitting down. They sat in the seats Chris had assigned. Justin soon tuned her out; he knew Chris or JC would prompt him if it were important. He was very aware of Lance on his right side. Lance was wearing a burgundy sweater that Joey had given him on his last birthday, and a pair of khaki pants. He looked young and alone and Justin wanted to kiss him right there. Lance’s left arm kept bumping Justin’s right, and Justin took strength from those occasional touches.

“He’ll be okay,” JC whispered from his left. He touched Justin’s leg. “He’s getting better every day.”

“I know,” Justin almost hissed, then caught himself. “I’m just…nervous. This is Barbara Walters!”

“We’ll kick ass, don’t you worry,” JC told him, and Justin finally smiled.

“Do you need water or anything?” Barbara asked, standing.

“I could use some,” Justin admitted.

She motioned a stagehand over. “Four bottles of water. We’ll be on in fifteen minutes.” Barbara smiled and walked away.

“Great. Fifteen minutes more for me to freak out,” Justin muttered.

“I’m here with the four remaining members of NSYNC. One of the most famous singing groups in the world, brought to a premature end by a horrific car accident. In the accident one member lost his memory…and another lost his life.” Barbara looked from the camera to JC. “JC Chasez…tell me about Joey Fatone.”

JC sighed. “Joey was…he was just the best. He was crazy and a big flirt…but he was also the KINDEST human being you could ever meet. He would give you the shirt off his back.”

“Chris, you haven’t announced it publicly, but the buzz is that you won’t be continuing as NSYNC. Why? It’s not as if Joey Fatone carried the leads on many of your songs.”

Chris glared at her angrily, but before he could say anything, Justin jumped in. “Just because he didn’t sing leads doesn’t mean Joey wasn’t a totally important part of NSYNC. Without Joey there IS no NSYNC…and we’re not going to carry on as NSYNC without him.” Chris and JC smiled at Justin. He had voiced their opinions exactly.

Barbara was slightly shaken by the interruption, but she recovered quickly. “Lance…you were in the car with Joey.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said in his polite way.

“Do you remember ANYTHING about the accident?”

“No. I only remember waking up in the hospital and seeing Justin by the bed.” Lance sent a smile Justin’s way. “He’s taken care of me ever since.”

“And you have no memory of your life BEFORE the accident?”

“I remember more every day…things like the fact that JC sleeps all the time, or that Justin likes cereal for breakfast,” Lance said with a grin. “But the big things? No. I didn’t even recognize my own parents when they came into my hospital room.”

“Do you remember Joey Fatone?”

Justin sent a sharp look in her direction, and he felt JC stiffen beside him. “I want to,” Lance said finally. “Everyone’s said so many wonderful things about him.” Chris audibly sniffled at the sadness in Lance’s voice, and JC wiped away a tear. “He sounds like an incredible person. Apparently he was my best friend. We shared a house…and…it’s a blank when it comes to him. I remember more every day…but nothing about him, unfortunately.”

Barbara could find nothing more to say. “Thank you, NSYNC, for taking this time with us.”

“Thank you, Barbara,” Lance whispered, and the camera was barely off before he put his arms around a sobbing Justin.

The interview had been done live in the evening, and it was ten o’clock by the time Justin and Lance got back to Justin’s house. “I’m gonna shower and go to bed,” Justin said softly. He hadn’t said more than three words after the interview, just looked at Lance with a haunted, sad look in his blue eyes. “Good night, Lance.” Justin started up the stairs.

“Justin, wait.” Lance stood at the bottom of the steps. “Could…could we talk for a bit after your shower?”

Justin paused but didn’t turn around. “Sure, Lance.” He plodded on up the steps.

When Justin got out of the shower, Lance was showered and in pajama bottoms but no shirt. He was seated on Justin’s bed, flipping through a photo album he had found on the shelf. “We had serious hair issues, didn’t we?” Lance asked with a small smile. Justin grinned back.

“You could say that some of us still do. What the hell is Chris thinking with those goat horns growing out of his beard?” Justin toweled his curls dry and quickly pulled on a pair of sweatpants. He sat down next to Lance.

“Yeah, I’d say that’s a Fashion DON’T.” Lance closed the album. “Justin…I need to be honest with you.” Justin frowned and studied a hole in his sweatpants. “I…I have remembered something.” Justin looked up sharply. Lance sighed. “I remembered the beginning. Europe. I remember the stinking hotels and the slutty girls that Joey brought back to his room. I remember the way Chris used to try to get us into the bars there. I remember how JC would sleep…ANYWHERE. I remember staying back at the hotels with you…the two of us…hanging out and doing whatever we could to not be homesick.” Lance angrily wiped away tears. “But then I try to remember now. I try to remember AFTER Europe, and I can’t. And whenever I try to remember Joey…nothing. Not a damn thing.”

“Lance, God…don’t cry.” Justin put an arm around Lance’s shoulder. “I hate that.”

“I just…it’s so fucking frustrating, you know? WHERE did it all go? It’s like there’s a drain in the bottom of my brain, and all the memories have slowly leaked out.” Lance punched his thigh. “I hate being so dependent. I have to depend on you and JC and Chris to give me my life back. And I hate it.”

Justin drew back. He hadn’t thought about it that way. He was forcing Lance’s life on him, the way he, Justin, thought it should be. “Oh, Lance,” Justin said softly. “You’re right. Maybe…maybe we should find you an apartment or something. Near the city, near the office. That way you can…”

“No, Justin, I didn’t mean that.” Lance put a hand on Justin’s shoulder. “I love being here with you. I…you’re all I can cling to right now. I know I’m stronger than that. I know I’m not a dependent person. But you…” Lance finished his sentence by kissing Justin. Justin moaned, his hand reaching up to fist in Lance’s short hair. “You’re amazing,” Lance murmured, his lips trailing back to Justin’s ear as he laid him back on the bed.

“Lance…God…” Justin gasped as Lance lightly bit on Justin’s shoulder. His soft hand slid up Justin’s flat stomach, resting briefly there before moving to rub his palm over Justin’s nipples. “Lance…oh…” Justin tried to remember to breathe. “We…shouldn’t…”

“I want to love you…” Lance whispered, scooting down to kiss Justin’s smooth chest. He licked at a nipple, and Justin arched off the bed. “I know I’ve done this before…with a man…and I want to do it with you…”

“Lance…we…can’t…oh GOD…” Justin moaned as Lance’s hand trailed over the front of his sweatpants. “I’ve never…with…”

“Shhh…I won’t move any faster then you’re ready for,” Lance cooed in Justin’s ear, and Justin shivered. He had dreamt of this, but in his dreams, Lance had never been this willing, this aggressive. “Let me…” Lance slid his hand inside of Justin’s sweatpants and Justin wanted to scream. Lance’s mouth attacked Justin’s, his lips sucking Justin’s tongue into his mouth as he stroked him. Lance moaned, a deep sound against Justin’s mouth. Justin whimpered as he thrust up into Lance’s hand. Justin pulled back from the kiss, gasping for breath as Lance stroked steady and fast.

“Lance…oh fuck…I want…I want to cum so bad…” Justin finally admitted, his hips grinding against Lance’s hand.

“Cum for me, baby…come on, Justin…” Lance begged in a low voice.

“Lance…oh GOD…oh…” Justin screamed Lance’s name, cumming in long spurts onto himself and Lance. Lance kissed him, light kisses on his nose and cheeks as Justin tried to remember his name. “Fuck,” Justin said weakly. Lance chuckled.

“Was that so bad?” Lance whispered in his ear.

“You don’t know,” Justin said sadly, his heart falling even as he snuggled against Lance.

Justin climbed out of bed early the next morning, leaving Lance snoring quietly on the pillows. He looked down at Lance for a long moment, then pulled on a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. He shoved his feet into some sneakers and tiptoed out of the room. He left a note for Lance in the kitchen, then went out to the garage and got into one of his cars.

Justin hardly remembered the drive to the cemetery. His mind was on the man in his bed. Justin slowly got out of the car, shivering slightly in the morning air. He walked the few feet to the tombstone. The ground was finally leveled out, and it seemed as if the grave had been there for years. “Joey…” Justin sat down, ignoring how cold the ground was beneath his backside. “I’m so sorry…” Justin began, then started to cry.

Lance yawned and stretched, smiling as he realized he was in Justin’s bed. He was happy. Sleeping next to Justin was the most comfortable thing he had experienced since he had been released from the hospital. He frowned as he realized that Justin was nowhere to be seen. “Justin?” Lance yelled. No answer. He pulled himself out of bed and padded out of the bedroom. “Justin?”

Lance walked downstairs and headed for the small studio. He knew sometimes Justin would get inspired early in the morning, and he had found him there on more than one occasion. Justin wasn’t in the room, but Joey’s songs were spread out on the piano. Lance picked up one piece of music, frowning as he tried to remember. What the hell was blocking this from his mind? He picked up another piece of music, and a handwritten note fell out. Not Justin’s handwriting, Lance noted. He looked at the bottom. It was signed, Love Always, Joey. Lance sat down and began to read out loud. “Justin, I really wish you weren’t reading this because if you are, it means I’m no longer around. Anyway, I know we’ve had some problems, some differences, but I think I understand. I mean, who loves Lance more than you, except me? He’s amazing, and when I see the pain in your eyes, I almost hate the fact that he and I are together. I know how much you love him, but I love him too.” Lance stopped reading, eyes wide open in shock. He scanned down the rest of the note, where Joey mentioned that he wanted Justin to take care of Lance, then the note dropped to the floor. “I almost hate the fact that he and I are together. TOGETHER.” Lance angrily shoved the music to the floor, the pages floating down like leaves from a tree. He raced up the steps, blinking hard against the tears of anger. He picked up a phone and dialed a number. “Chris? Yeah…um…Justin’s out for a run, and I was gonna go over to my house to get some stuff. Yeah, the doctor said it was fine,” Lance lied. “I need directions though. Yeah. Okay…all right. Thanks.” Lance hung up, pulled on shoes and grabbed a set of keys from Justin’s desk.

The gorgeous house loomed in front of Lance, and he stared up at it. “We were gonna hang blue and green lights for Christmas,” Lance remembered softly. He walked up to the front door, remembering that there was no key. He punched in Joey’s birthday easily, and the door clicked. Lance let himself in.

Waves of memories crashed against Lance’s head, so intense that he actually leaned back against a wall. Pictures of Joey alone or with Lance where everywhere, and he could almost see Joey smiling at him in the hallway. “What do you think, Lancey?” Joey had teased, whirling around in a circle. “Think we can make this museum a home?”

“Oh…God…” Lance said in a strangled tone. He grabbed one of the pictures, holding it close to his heart. He remembered where and when it was taken, and as his eyes floated from one object to another, he remembered everything about them. Why they owned them, who had bought them. He and Joey had been in love. Deeply in love. And Justin… “Justin loved me too…but I was with Joey and…” Lance’s eyes widened. “God dammit,” he growled, thinking of Justin. Justin had taken advantage of him, pulling him into his house, letting him do…God…what he had done the night before. And he had known full well that if Joey was still alive, Lance NEVER would have been there in the first place.

“Lance?” Justin called as he walked into the house. “Lance?” It had been an hour since Justin had left, and he had spent the entire time talking to Joey. “Lance, I…” Lance wasn’t in the bedroom. Justin ran downstairs. His note was where he had left it, still folded. “Lance?” Justin’s cellphone rang and he jumped. “Hello? Lance?”

“No, Chris,” the voice said. Justin sighed. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Tell you what?”

“About the doctor.”

“WHAT doctor, Chris?” Justin asked, less than patient.

“Lance’s doctor. He called here for directions to the house…said the doctor said it was okay for him to go there.”

“WHAT house?” Justin whispered.

“His. His and Joey’s house.”

“Fuck.” Justin hung up the cellphone and ran back out to the car.

Justin’s heart sank into his shoes as he saw one of his cars in the driveway. He parked next to it, and slowly got out. The front door was open and he approached the house cautiously. He poked his head in the door.

If he had any doubts about Lance’s memory, they were erased forever as Justin looked at the living room. Pictures and clothing and books were piled all over the place, with Lance in the middle. He flipped through a scrapbook, and Justin saw his shoulders heaving with sobs. “Lance?” Justin whispered. Lance whirled around, the scrapbook sliding off his lap. Lance jumped to his feet.

“Get out.”

“Lance,” Justin begged, holding up a hand. “Let me explain.”

“You fucking bastard. Get out of my house. Joey’s house. Get…out…” Lance said, his voice like ice.

“Lance, I tried to stop it…I tried to tell you. I…”

“You didn’t TRY at all, Justin. You said, oh, no, Lance, we shouldn’t, even as you thrust your fucking dick up into my hand!” Lance shouted. “You didn’t let me MOURN, Justin! You and JC and Chris…you kept this from me!”

“The doctor said…”

“FUCK the doctor, Justin! You’re my friend…my brother…you should have told me. You should have let me say goodbye to him…should have let me grieve.” Lance picked up one of Joey’s sweaters and held it tight, inhaling the cologne that still lingered. “But you took it all away from me by not telling me.”

“Lance…I…”

“And then you let us do what WE did…” Lance looked at Justin with hate written all over his face. “You used me. You got what you wanted.”

“God, Lance…” Justin gasped. “Please.”

“Get out of my house, Justin. Don’t make me force you to leave,” Lance hissed, and Justin sighed.

“Okay. I’m sorry, Lance.” Justin turned around to leave.

“I don’t want your apologies. I don’t want anything to do with you. Don’t call, and don’t come over, okay?” Lance slammed the door behind Justin.

Justin didn’t know he had that many tears in him. He knew it probably wasn’t manly or mature to cry, but at that moment, manliness and maturity was not far up on his list of priorities. Lance. Lance was all that mattered, and he was gone from Justin forever. Somehow Justin made it back to his house without wrecking, and he flew into the house. He went up the steps to the guestroom Lance had used, and the tears flowed again as he looked around. He sighed, wiped his nose, and went to the hall closet to find some boxes.

“Justin? Justin!”

Justin heard JC yell from the bottom of the steps. “Up here,” he called weakly. He was taping up the last box when JC reached the guestroom.

“What’s all this? Where’s Lance?” JC asked. Justin sniffled and ordered the tears to stay back.

“He…uh…he’s home. At his house.”

“His house? You mean…” JC’s eyes widened. “He remembered?”

“He sure as hell did,” Justin said sadly. “I need you to take this stuff over there. He…he doesn’t want me there. Probably doesn’t want you there, either. He’s pretty pissed at everyone.”

“What happened?” JC gasped.

“Call Chris and get him over here. I don’t want to have to discuss this twice.” Justin picked up some boxes and carried them downstairs.

“What’s going on? I called Joey’s house…the phone’s still hooked up…Lance hung up on me!” Chris announced as he entered Justin’s house.

“Sit down, Chris,” Justin said simply, and Chris took one look at him and sat. “Okay. I want you guys to listen without talking, okay? Be pissed at me, be ready to hit me, but wait until I’m done talking, okay?” JC and Chris nodded as one. “Okay.” Justin sat down, running a hand through his curls. “I told Lance that I was…you know…gay. You knew that, JC. Anyway…he started having these…feelings…for me. And I thought maybe they were just because I was here for him, you know. But it got more intense.” His sad blue eyes turned to JC. “Jayce, I swear to fucking GOD I tried to fight it. I told him no. I tried to push him away. But I couldn’t do it without telling him the reason…and I couldn’t do that. So…last night we fooled around a bit. Nothing SERIOUS…but we fooled around. Today I felt guilty, so I left early and went to talk to Joey.”

“Talk to Joey?” Chris asked. Justin blushed.

“I, uh, went to the cemetery. It made me feel better to just explain. I had promised Joey on the day of the funeral that I wouldn’t make a move on Lance. And I never did!” Justin said earnestly. “Lance initiated everything. But I still felt guilty.” Justin bit his bottom lip. “For so many reasons. I feel guilty because of what happened with Lance…but also because the accident was my fault. Joey’s dead because of me! I wonder if Lance remembered that?”

“Justin, you’re crazy. Joey’s not…” JC began.

“JC, I was on the phone with Joey when the accident happened. He was yelling at me…and he lost control of the car…” Justin began to cry. Chris and JC each moved to sit next to him, wrapping their arms around him. “And now I’ve betrayed him. And Lance hates me. I don’t know what exactly happened, but somehow he felt the need to go to the house, and when I got there…he definitely remembered. Everything. And he hates me. And I hate me too.”

“He’s mad at all of us?” Chris asked. Justin nodded.

“He thinks we lied to him and kept him from mourning and grieving the way he should have.”

“We don’t hate you, Justin, and Lance will get over this,” JC said softly. “And I believe you when you say you didn’t make any moves on him.”

“He won’t get over this,” Justin said with a sigh, but he let JC hug him tighter.

Lance moved from room to room in the large house, remembering Joey and things that had happened there. He laid on their bed for a long time, his arm draped over Joey’s side. Tears finally came as the sun began to set, and he held Joey’s pillow in his arms as he cried himself to sleep.

The next morning, Lance knew what he had to do. He got up, showered, dressed, and went down to the garage. He looked at the four cars in the garage and sighed, finally choosing Joey’s favorite. He opened the garage doors, backed out, and slowly drove from the house. He made a few wrong turns, but he was soon driving through the large gates of the cemetery. He parked at the bottom of the sloping hill, and trudged up to Joey’s gravesite. As he came over the crest of the hill, he saw a familiar car on the paved driveway. His eyes narrowed as he looked at the slender figure in front of his destination.

“…and he went ballistic, Joey. But can you blame him? You know his temper,” Justin was saying. He sighed and pulled some grass from the base of the stone. “And I didn’t mean it, okay? I’d never hurt Lance. You know that, Joe. I love him…so fucking much. And it killed me…trying to pull away when all I wanted was to get as close to him as possible. But you don’t have to worry now…he doesn’t want me.”

Lance shoved Justin’s words from his mind. He didn’t want to hear them. Didn’t want to remember that Justin was indeed telling the truth. He had never raised one finger to try to seduce Lance. “Damn straight I don’t want you,” he growled, and Justin whirled around. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I…I wanted to tell…” Justin babbled. Lance was shocked by the redness of his eyes.

“You already killed him, do you have to rub it into him that you’re here and he’s not?” Lance snapped, and Justin took a step back.

“Lance, I was just telling…”

“Leave us alone! God, what do I have to fucking do to get you away from us?” Lance yelled. Justin shrank back. “Leave us alone!”

“Okay…I’m sorry….Lance…” Justin stumbled backwards and ran for his car. Lance sighed angrily and fell to his knees by the stone. He waited to speak until he heard Justin’s car drive away. “Hey, baby…it’s me.” Lance sighed again, this time without anger. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get here…apparently our so-called friends and some doctor felt I didn’t need to remember you…or us.” Lance traced Joey’s name on the tombstone with a fingertip. “I will give them this…they only said good things about you. And Justin…” Lance started over. “They all went on and on about you. Chris about died when you left him your Superman stuff. Justin is working…” Lance stopped again. Why did he keep mentioning Justin? “The guys are gonna use your songs…in solo stuff. I know they’ll do great…the songs were incredible, baby.” A sudden wave of loneliness flew over Lance, and he buried his face in his hands. “How can I go on without you, baby? How? Joey…why did you leave me?”

Days passed in a blur for Justin, and before he knew it it had been seven days. One week. One week since Lance had walked out of his house and out of his life. He worried about Lance…his memory wasn’t totally back, and Justin was afraid that something might happen. But JC and Chris were watching Lance…so Justin knew he’d be okay. Lance had forgiven JC and Chris, after they had stormed his door down and demanded to be heard. Lance listened, he yelled, he cried some, but he eventually forgave them. He didn’t forgive Justin. He wouldn’t even let them try to talk to him on Justin’s behalf.

Justin was miserable. Not only did he have to deal with the fact that he had lost Lance, and that Lance thought he had used him…but he had to deal with the fact that Lance agreed with him on one thing. Lance thought Justin killed Joey, too.

Justin needed something to get over Lance. Usually writing helped him get over his problems, but when he sat down, all he could see was Lance’s angry face. In all honesty, Justin saw Lance’s angry face everywhere he looked. One night he stopped by the liquor store and bought a bottle of whiskey. Just for something to try, because he was bored and lonely and miserable. Justin found that a bottle of whiskey erased Lance from his mind altogether…at least for the night.

By the seventh day, Justin was up to a bottle of whiskey a night, plus a few beers. He didn’t know his body had this kind of tolerance for alcohol, and he was proud of himself. See? He could forget Lance.

“Justin. Justin. Holy shit, boy…” Chris held his nose as Justin coughed and opened his eyes. “What the fuck?”

“Hey, Chris.” Justin smiled sleepily, lips slopping at the mushmouth he was experiencing. “What’s going on?”

“You…you got drunk last night?” Chris helped Justin sit up. Justin gave him a brilliant grin.

“I get drunk EVERY night, Chris. Whiskey is the greatest thing since sliced bread.” Justin slowly stood and stretched. “I need a shower.”

“Justin, he’s not worth it. I mean, I love Lance and all, but if he’s not willing to even listen to you…”

“Leave Lance out of this,” Justin said sharply. “He has every right to hate me. I lied to him, let him do things to me, and worst of all, I killed the man he loved.”

“Justin, you’re not at fault!” Chris insisted.

“Whatever,” he sighed. “What are you even doing here?”

“You and I were gonna take that song in to management, remember?” Chris said softly. “The one you and JC had worked on? You wanted me to go in with you?”

“Aw, fuck. Yeah.” Justin walked to the dining room table, which was covered with papers. “I have it somewhere. I tried working on it…but I don’t know if it’s ready.”

“I’ll say it’s not ready,” Chris commented. “This paper is half-empty.”

“I’ll work on it tonight,” Justin promised.

“Get cleaned up. I’ll take you to lunch,” Chris said, and Justin smiled.

Chris tried not to notice that Justin picked at a salad instead of eating a huge burger. He tried not to notice that Justin had two beers with lunch, BEFORE the salad got there. “So…how’s JC?” Justin asked. “I know it’s hard for you two, being in the middle.”

“He’s fine. For God’s sake, Justin, quit drinking!” Chris finally snapped. Justin slammed his beer bottle down. “Drinking won’t bring him back, okay? And it won’t bring Joey back, either. You think, as much as he loved Lance, he didn’t still love you like a brother? He did. And this would kill him, seeing you like this.”

“Fuck you, Chris.” Justin stood, kicking back his chair. “If I wanna drink, I’ll fucking drink, okay? If I wanna drown the memory of Lance’s smile, his touch, even the memory of him at least LIKING me, I’ll do it. Don’t pretend to understand. Just go away and leave me the fuck alone.” Justin stormed out of the restaurant, ignoring the fact that Chris had driven.

Justin hardly remembered getting to the club. By the time he showed his ID, he was so drunk he could hardly walk. But he staggered in, inhaling the sound of the thumping music as if it were air. He was Justin Timberlake, dammit. He could go home with any person in the damn club. And he planned on it. Fuck Chris. Fuck Lance. He was gonna get laid. Some person was gonna be lucky enough to get sex from HIM.

Before he knew it, a hot young redhead had him pressed up against a wall outside the bathroom, their cocks rubbing together through their pants as they kissed. “You’re so fucking hot,” the guy hissed in Justin’s ear. His hand fumbled with Justin’s zipper, and he slid his fingers down to grasp Justin.

“Whoa.” Something wasn’t right. It wasn’t the right person. Not this guy. Not this man. Only… “I’m sorry.” Justin shoved the man away and zipped himself back up.

“Dude…”

“Go away!” Justin yelled, and the man shrank into the shadows, saying something about cockteases.

“You okay, sweetheart?” A blond with big green eyes put a hand on Justin’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, looking at her eyes. They were so much like Lance’s that he sighed.

“You need to forget someone?” She asked, rubbing his back. He nodded. “I can help you with that.”

“Look, I…well…I’m bisexual,” he said, stumbling over the words.

“That’s okay, honey. If you can get it up, you’re good enough for me,” she laughed.

But he couldn’t get it up. They fumbled and groaned in the backseat of her car, but the alcohol had taken its toll. “I’m sorry,” he said, slapping the seat. “I really wanted to…”

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I forgive ya.” She opened her compact and Justin expected to see her powder her face or something…but instead she pushed her finger through a small pile of pills until she found the one she was looking for.

“What are those?” Justin asked with a lazy interest.

“These? Oh, these are my babies. They get me through. It’s hard, ya know. So…they help me remember what I need to remember, and forget what needs forgetting.”

“Which ones are those?” Justin sat up quickly. “I need to forget.”

“These pretty pink ones.” She swirled them around with a long red fingernail. She told him the name, and Justin filed it away for later use. He was tired.

“I need a ride home,” he said with a sigh.

“We’ll call you a cab from inside.” They climbed out of the back of the car, the woman supporting Justin’s weight slightly. She pressed two of the pink pills into his hand. “You take these tomorrow when it starts to hurt. You’ll forget soon enough, and then you won’t even care. You’ll be happy, because you’ll forget.”

“Forget,” Justin repeated, closing his eyes against the memory of Lance.

Justin woke up the next morning with an amazing headache, and he knew it wasn’t just from the alcohol. He hadn’t even been able to get it up with a woman who was ready and willing, and he pushed away the man who had gotten him hard. He was screwed up.

Justin got up, showered, and went down to the small music studio. He stared at the pieces of paper, but every piece of sheet music reminded him of Joey…which reminded him of Lance. He buried his head in his hands, then he looked up suddenly. Forgetting. That’s what he needed to do. He needed to forget Lance. Justin ran up to his bedroom and dug through his dirty jeans. There they were. The two precious pink pills. Justin picked one up, moving it around in his palm. He shouldn’t…but fuck what he should or shouldn’t do. No one else cared…why should he? He went to the bathroom, grabbed a cup of water, and swallowed the pill.

Writer’s block? Why the hell hadn’t he heard about these pills! He couldn’t find enough sheet music to write down his thoughts. He wrote ten songs in a half hour, with lyrics for all of them and the actual melody for half. Songs about anger and hate and love and sex and just the feeling of being alive. Justin had never felt so alive. Of course, once he sat down at the piano he couldn’t get up…the room was too crazy, swirling in a madness of colors that made Justin giggle. He had a pencil, but it broke. He found a pen on the floor, but it soon ran out of ink. He finally broke off the metal clip that would attach the pen to a pocket, dug into the skin on his left arm, and dabbed the pen tip in the blood to write with. THIS was art. THIS was music. Music flowed out of him…and as he finally dozed off after a fit of writing, he realized that THIS was what he was meant to do.

Justin woke up on the floor under the piano. He looked at the pile of papers by his side and grinned. This would show them. He could get by without them, and without alcohol. He could do it.

He doubted this, however, when he ran into Lance and JC at the studio later that day. Justin had on a pair of denim cargo shorts and a ratty old tshirt; he hadn’t really cared enough to check what he had on. All he cared about was showing these songs to management. He literally ran into Lance as he rounded a corner.

“Oh, sorry, I…oh. Hello.” Justin was thankful for his sunglasses. “Hi, Lance, JC.”

“Hi, Justin. You haven’t called in a while,” JC said gently as Lance looked at his shoes.

“I’ve been busy,” Justin said vaguely. “Writing.” He waved the pile of papers in the air. “Why are you guys here?”

“Clearing some things up regarding Joey.” Lance’s eyes were emotionless. Justin visibly shuddered at the mention of Joey’s name.

“Can I see the songs?” JC asked eagerly.

“Sure,” Justin said proudly, handing the sheets to JC. Lance tried not to look, but he couldn’t help but peek over JC’s shoulder. JC frowned.

“Justin…when did you write these?”

“About three hours ago,” Justin said. “Aren’t they great? I was on this roll, see, and…”

“Justin…I can’t even READ this. Can you?” JC shoved them back at Justin. He looked down at them, trying to make out a word or two.

“Yeah, I…uh…” Justin whipped off the sunglasses and tried again. Words flowed everywhere but on the lines of the music paper. Around the edges, in swirls, anywhere they could be fit. Justin couldn’t read his own handwriting.

“Are you okay?” JC tilted Justin’s head up to look him in the eye.

“Jesus,” Lance breathed.

“What?” Justin snapped at him. “What, Lance?”

“Your eyes…Justin…your pupils are dilated and…God…they’re so bloodshot!” JC murmured.

“So?” Justin jammed the sunglasses on. “I have a hangover. Sue me. Do you like the songs or not?”

“Justin…” JC began, then accidentally dropped a piece of paper onto the floor. Lance stooped to pick it up.

“Is this blood?” Lance asked in a whisper, looking at the red words that streaked across the page.

“My pen ran out of ink. I used a red pen. Of COURSE it’s not blood,” Justin snapped, though he had to agree, it LOOKED like blood. He didn’t remember writing with blood. He looked down at his left arm and his eyes widened as he saw a long tear in the skin, scabbed over with dark blood. He moved the arm behind his back and grabbed the music from Lance. “Anything else you guys wanna pick on me about? I need to talk to management.”

“No, Justin,” Lance whispered.

“Goodbye. JC, call me or something.” Justin passed by them, heading for management.

“They’re gonna laugh him out of the office,” JC said with a sigh. “Or commit him.”

“Do you really think that was blood?” Lance asked.

“Do you really care?” JC asked softly. Lance blushed and glared at JC.

“No, of course not. Let’s go get something to eat.”

“Fuck them. Fuck them all.” Justin angrily opened the bottle of whiskey and sloshed some into the glass. The men in the office had told him to clean up and write something they could read, and to quit bothering him with these jokes. Justin gulped the burning liquid and stared at the wall. And then he just HAD to run into Lance. Just had to. Lovely. What a way to start a day.

Justin remembered the pink pill up on his dresser and closed his eyes. No. He didn’t need that. He wanted to forget, true, and it made him feel like he could write forever, but apparently what he wrote didn’t make sense to anyone but him, and only when he had one of those pills in his system.

But the feeling had been nice, the devil on his shoulder argued. Who needed a fairy like Lance when he could be happy and alive with the pills? No one cared if he killed Joey…hell…Justin didn’t care himself. He took another gulp of whiskey and made a promise. No pill, unless it was so bad he couldn’t handle it. And he could handle it.

Justin “handled it” for about a day, then the other pill slid down his throat with a blessed feeling of contentment. It didn’t take long for the pill to take effect, but this time Justin didn’t have any kind of sharp object near him. He had a tape recorder, however, and he spoke everything. He sang, he cursed, he screamed at Lance, at Joey, at Chris, even at JC. He felt elated at the way he was expressing himself, and it seemed only fitting to fall onto the bed in a tiny ball, his body heaving with sobs. He was an artist. Artists suffered.

When he woke up ten hours later, he listened to the tape and was amazed. This couldn’t be him. The singing was horrible and off key, and he had screamed so much that he was hoarse. This all frightened him, but a tiny part of him remembered the way he had felt, like nothing held him back. That part was good…and it pushed Lance a little further out of his brain.

“So…we saw Justin,” JC announced a few days later when he and Lance were having dinner with Chris. Chris dropped his fork.

“Where?”

“At the office…he looked like hell,” JC said. “He wrote this stuff…was all happy about it…but God, he must’ve been drunk when he wrote it. It was scary.”

“I think…I think maybe I should talk to him,” Lance said suddenly, and JC dropped HIS fork.

“What?”

“I think…well…maybe I should talk to him. Just, you know, tell him some things.”

“Do you want us to come along?” Chris asked softly.

“No. I need to do this myself. After I get up the courage. I still am really pissed at him…but he didn’t look right,” Lance said softly, toying with his food.

Forgetting was expensive, Justin realized, but worth it. Those pink pills cost him more than he thought he would EVER spend on something so temporary, but the feeling was so good, and forgetting was so easy. He bought a three-week supply at once, planning on making them last. Of course, they didn’t.

It was about seven days after seeing Lance that Justin heard his doorbell ringing. He got up from his bowl of cereal and went to the door. When he looked through the peephole, he desperately wished for a pill at that moment. He slowly opened the door. “Yes?”

“Justin, hey. I was in the neighborhood and…”

“No, you weren’t, Lance. Don’t lie to me. What do you want?” Justin demanded.

“I was worried about you,” Lance said finally. Justin sighed and leaned in the doorway.

“Lance, what did you say to me? Something about leaving you and Joey alone? I’m leaving you alone. It’s what you wanted. I’m finally getting over you. Why are you here?” Justin’s voice rose hysterically.

“Justin, calm down. I just…”

“It sucks when you try to explain and someone goes apeshit on you, doesn’t it?” Justin snapped. Lance swallowed deeply.

“Why did I even try?” Lance said, sighing.

“Yeah, why did you? You made it perfectly clear that day in the cemetery. You want nothing to do with me. I was the slut who used you when you couldn’t remember. I was the one who lied to you about Joey. I’m the bad guy. And I’m fine with that. I killed your boyfriend and used you. Thanks, Lance, for reminding me of all that.” Justin blinked wearily. He needed a nap. He needed a pill. He needed Lance to leave.

“But I do remember,” Lance said softly. “I remember that you really did try to back off when Joey and I hooked up. I remember that you were so embarrassed when you did or said something that showed how you felt. I remember it all, Justin. I remember that you loved me.”

“Fine, Lance. That’s great. I’m glad you’re remembering.” Lance gave Justin a small smile. “But I’ve forgotten all about that.” Justin slammed the door in Lance’s face.

“So…I didn’t even get to tell him that I forgave him,” Lance said with a sigh. He waved his empty glass and the bartender refilled it. JC stared at Lance.

“You what?”

“I…forgive him. I was wrong,” Lance said with a sigh. “I…remember a lot of things, and one of them is that Justin would NEVER take advantage of me. And I need to tell him that…that…that he didn’t kill Joey. I never shoulda said that.”

“You said that to him?” JC gasped. Lance nodded.

“Yeah, I did.”

“Fucking Lance…fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid “being in the neighborhood” shit. I don’t care about him.” Justin angrily wiped tears away as he tied his shoes. “I don’t need him. I don’t love him…and I don’t…fuck.” Justin stood up, swiped the small container of pills from the top of the dresser, and left his bedroom.

He entered the club, sighing with relief. Yes. This is where he could forget things. Speaking of forgetting…he reached into his pocket and grabbed a pill, swallowing it dry. This was where he belonged. And the more he danced, the angrier he got at Lance. He couldn’t believe Lance’s nerve…thinking that saying he remembered that Justin had loved him was gonna make it all okay. He should go over and kick Lance’s gay ass. Yeah. Lance was a wuss. Justin could kick his ass with one foot tied behind his back. Justin shoved his way off the dance floor and weaved towards the door. He needed to go to Lance.

JC’s cellphone rang as he and Lance were leaving the bar. “Yeah?”

“JC…”

JC stopped walking at the sound of Chris’ voice. “What, Chris?”

“There’s been an accident.”

“No…nonono not again!” JC muttered, slamming his phone into his pocket. “TAXI!” He screamed.

“JC, what it is it?” Lance asked. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s been an accident. Justin’s been in a car crash.” JC flagged down a cab and shoved Lance into the back.

Chris was waiting in the emergency room when JC and Lance burst through the doors. “God…this is some strange déjà vu,” Chris said weakly. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“What happened?” JC asked. Lance couldn’t talk. He could only study Chris’ pale face.

“They found my number in his wallet and called me. They won’t tell me anything, just that he’s alive.”

“Is this…how it was before?” Lance whispered. JC nodded.

“Except that we saw you come in.”

Lance turned white. “You…saw me?”

“Yeah. Justin about fainted when he saw you all bloody on the gurney,” Chris told him.

“God,” Lance whispered, closing his eyes. If Justin felt half the pain and fear that Lance was feeling, he didn’t know how Justin had stood it. “Who can we ask?”

“I tried…no one…” Chris looked to the nurse’s desk. “There’s someone new. Hold on.” He hurried over. “Excuse me? Look…our friend is here and…”

“I’m sorry, sir. I’m sure the doctor will…” The nurse began.

“Look, lady. I’m sorry to be rude, but do you know who we are? Do you know who our friend is?” Lance shoved Chris out of the way. “Our friend is Justin Timberlake, of NSYNC. Ring a bell?” The nurse nodded. “Okay…you can either find out what the FUCK happened to him, or we can get our management on the phone…and they’ll be sure to tell ALL the papers and radio stations and TV stations how this hospital did NOTHING to help our friend!”

“I’ll see what I can do,” she said quickly, hurrying around the counter.

“Damn straight you will,” Lance muttered, sitting down and burying his head in his hands.

“Lance…it’ll be fine. Justin will be fine,” JC said consolingly. Lance glared at him.

“Is that what you told Justin?”

“You ARE fine,” JC pointed out.

“But Joey wasn’t. And Justin…” Lance closed his eyes. “I never got to tell him.”

“He’ll be okay, Lance. He…” Chris stopped talking as a doctor approached.

“I hear you were bullying one of my nurses to get information on your friend?”

Lance stood. “You bet your ass I was.”

The doctor tried to hide a smile. “I see. Well…Justin…that’s his name?” They nodded as one. “He…uh…he’s gonna make it. It’s a miracle, but he’s gonna make it. He wrapped the car around a telephone pole, from what I hear, and he managed to all but walk away.”

“Then why are they keeping him? Why don’t they just slap a Band-Aid on him and let him go?” Chris asked. The doctor sighed.

“We want to watch him. We’re wondering if this was suicidal.”

“Suicidal?” JC gasped.

“The amount of drugs in his system was unreal. You do know about his drug use, right?”

“Justin doesn’t do drugs,” Chris said immediately. “He hates that stuff.”

“Well, apparently he’s been taking some pills for a while, and his body built up an amazing tolerance for them. The amount in his system…well…he never should have been behind the wheel of a car…and the drinking didn’t help.”

“God.” Lance’s voice was strangled. “This is all my fault.”

“No, Lance.” JC rubbed Lance’s back. “Can we see him?”

“I think you might want to wait until the drugs have been flushed out of his system. He’s pretty…wild, right now.”

“Let us see him. Please, Doctor. We…we lost another friend in an accident not too long ago…and we just need to make sure he’s okay,” Chris told the doctor. The doctor nodded and led them down the hallway.

“I warned you.” He stepped aside and allowed them to peek into the room.

“Let me out of this thing!” Justin screamed at an orderly.

“Mr. Timberlake, you have a lot of bruises and injuries. You need to stay still.” The orderly tightened the restraints around Justin’s chest.

“Fuck you. I need to get out of here. I need to talk to…” Justin’s blue eyes darted to the doorway. “Lance! Lance, you nasty piece of shit…get your ass in here so I can kick it!” He yelled.

“Justin,” Lance whispered.

“Get in here so I can tell you what I think about you, and your apologies, and the way you think I feel about you! Get in here so I can tell you how much I DON’T love you! I wish you woulda been in that car instead of Joey!”

Lance shrank back against Chris. “C’mon. Let’s get out of here,” Chris said, pulling Lance out into the hallway. JC stayed, taking a step towards the bed.

“Justin…why?”

“Jayce…make them let me go,” Justin whimpered, his eyes glazed and darting around the room. “Tell them…tell them to let me go.”

“I can’t, J. You need to rest…just rest, that’s all they want you to do. Then they’ll let you go.”

“Then I can get Lance,” Justin said savagely.

“Right,” JC sighed. His presence seemed to calm Justin, and he didn’t leave until Justin was sleeping.

“He’s right. It SHOULD have been me.” Lance sat on a bench in front of the hospital, his whole body shaking. “Joey…”

“Lance, that wasn’t Justin talking. He loves you. That was whatever shit he’s been taking talking. Why should it have been you?”

“Because…” Lance looked at Chris. “Because I’m in love with him. Maybe I always was a little bit…but God…the way he took care of me Chris…and he never did lay a finger on me. Anything we did, I started.”

“He kinda mentioned that,” Chris said. “But Lance, that doesn’t mean you should have died.”

“I made him into that monster in there,” Lance said. “That’s all my fault.”

Justin opened his eyes and moaned. His whole body felt like hell, as if a bus had done K turns on him. His nose itched and he slowly picked up his hand to scratch it. He couldn’t. He was strapped to a bed. He looked around wildly. He was in a hospital bed...but why? He looked down and saw the call button by his right hand. He pressed it, and soon a nurse entered the room.

“Good morning, Mr. Timberlake.”

“Why am I here? Where am I?”

“You’re at Providence Hospital, Mr. Timberlake. You had a terrible accident. Don’t you remember?”

“No, ma’am.” Justin sighed tiredly. “Why am I tied down?”

“You had a substance in your system...you were a little excited.”

“A substance?” Justin remembered the pills. “My medication.”

“You’re not on medication, Mr. Timberlake, and we both know it. Not that kind of medication, anyway.”

“Whatever.” Justin looked her in the eye. “I’m fine now. Can you at least let me out of this so I can scratch my nose, scratch my balls, go to the damn bathroom?”

“I’ll check with a doctor.” The nurse left and Justin stared at the ceiling. All he remembered was going to the club...and then he left the club for some reason.

The doctor gave his approval, and the straps were removed. Justin got up slowly, stretched carefully because of the bruises, and went to the bathroom. When he got settled back into bed, a doctor appeared to talk to him.

“Justin, do you want to tell me why you took the pills?”

“I take them every once in a while...I’ve gone through some personal trauma and it helps me to relax.” Justin thought that was mature and serious enough.

“Were you trying to commit suicide when you got behind the wheel?”

“No!” Justin gasped. “I...I don’t even remember why I left the club.”

“Justin, do you think you can get through the day without one of those pills?”

“Of course,” Justin said arrogantly.

“When’s the last time you did that?”

“I...” Justin couldn’t remember. “I betrayed a friend. He hates me. I killed another friend. I needed to forget.”

“Justin...” The doctor looked at him for a long moment. “I believe you when you say you weren’t trying to kill yourself. And I’m willing to release you once we think you’re okay physically. But this thing with your friend...you need to work it out. I’m going to recommend therapy...and I think your friend should come along.”

Justin thought of Lance, and his heart filled with dread. “He hates me,” Justin whispered. “But...if you can get him to come...”

Justin stayed in the hospital for three days. JC and Chris came to visit him, and he tearfully apologized for anything he might have said to either of them. “I’m sorry,” he whispered as Chris hugged him tight. “I just wanted to forget.”

“Don’t do that, Justin. Come to us, talk to us. We can’t bear to lose someone else. We lost Joey...we lost Lance there for a while...and I can’t bear to lose my littlest brother.” Justin was shocked to feel Chris’ tears on his shoulder.

“I won’t do that again,” Justin promised. He met JC’s gaze. “How’s Lance?”

“Okay,” JC said. “His memory is pretty much one hundred percent...and he’s really looking forward to this therapy session tomorrow.”

“Yeah, right,” Justin mumbled. “He just wants to tear me a new one.”

When Justin was led into the doctor’s office, Lance was there, but the doctor was not. The nurse closed the door, and Justin and Lance looked at each other. “I’m…I’m glad to see you walking around,” Lance said nervously, standing as soon as Justin entered the room.

“Yeah…I’m sore but okay, I guess.” Justin shrugged, but that hurt. He sat on a sofa. Lance sat on the chair by the doctor’s desk. He looked at the desk, looked at his feet, looked at the diplomas on the wall. He looked everywhere but at Lance.

“Where did you get the pills?” Lance finally demanded. Justin glared at him.

“I’m not talking to you until the doctor gets here. I think we need a referee.”

“Where did you get them, Justin?”

“I got them from a girl at a bar, okay? Then I found my own,” Justin snapped.

“Why?”

“WHY?” Justin laughed. “Okay, you tell me why. I lose a friend in an accident. I then ALMOST lose another friend, who I love. Then, that friend can’t remember ANYTHING, and depends on ME to help him. While I’m trying to help him, and at the same time fight my feelings for him, he puts the moves on me. And I give in. Even though I promised Joey at his fucking FUNERAL that I wouldn’t give in, that I wouldn’t touch you…I gave in. And then you…you found out the truth.” Justin closed his eyes, remembering the hate on Lance’s face. “You hated me. And then I had nothing. I killed Joey, I lost you, and I had nothing. And the pills help to forget.”

“Justin,” Lance said helplessly, and Justin was shocked to see tears on Lance’s face. He slowly moved to sit next to Justin. “I’m so sorry. I said some terrible things…I didn’t mean them. I was in shock. You don’t know what it was like to have all the memories come flying back as soon as I stepped into that house. All the love I had for Joey…it just came flying back and I was finally able to realize he was gone. And I missed him so much.” Lance angrily wiped at the tears. “I never should have treated you that way. I know that you tried to hold back,” he whispered. “I know you tried to push me away. I ignored that. You did the right thing…by me AND by Joey. I promise.”

“Whatever,” Justin muttered, but he allowed Lance to grab his hand and hold it.

“You scared us so much,” Lance continued quietly. “JC and Chris…they were going through it all over again. And I…God, Justin, if you felt half the fear that I felt…I don’t know how you survived…I mean, you actually had to SEE the person you loved being brought into the hospital…I didn’t have to see you, at least.”

“Wait.” Justin turned to Lance. “What are you saying?”

“I…” Lance looked up miserably. “It’s scaring the hell out of me, Justin, but I really think I…I’m falling for you.”

“But Joey…” Justin began.

“I know. I’m so confused. But I…I think it’s okay to let him go, to love him, and allow someone else in.”

“Lance, it’s been such a short time since he died. Maybe you’re just latching onto me…” Justin said. “I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.” These were the hardest words Justin had ever had to say.

“Maybe,” Lance said, but it was obvious he didn’t believe it. “You were right, you know…it SHOULD have been me in the car.”

“What are you talking about?” Justin asked, confused.

“You said…the night you came in…you said that it should have been ME in the car that died, NOT Joey. You said you didn’t love me anymore…and that it should have been me. You’re right.”

“What? Lance, no. NO. I wasn’t myself, okay? I don’t remember half the shit I said.” Justin grabbed Lance by the shoulders. “It shouldn’t have been you, okay? You’re beautiful and wonderful and you deserve to be alive and happy and here.”

“But I made you do all this…” Lance waved a hand around.

“No one MADE me do that. That was all me, being weak.”

“But you’re strong. You saved me…helped me…”

“That was for YOU. It had nothing to do with being strong for ME. Just never say that again, okay?” Justin begged. “Never.”

“Okay,” Lance said in a tiny voice.

“If it should have been ANYONE, it should have been ME. If I had left you alone, not called you…Joey never would have crashed.”

Lance stared at Justin. “Is that what you’ve thought all this time?”

“Yes. Lance, he was yelling at me when he crashed…he…” Justin began to cry. “I heard him…heard you screaming…”

“Oh…baby…” Lance pulled Justin into a hug. “All this time…you’ve dealt with this guilt…fuck, Justin. I didn’t know.” He pulled back. “Justin, it wasn’t your fault. He was yelling at you, true, but I tried to grab the phone from him so he’d calm down. We were wrestling for it when he lost control.” Lance wiped Justin’s tears away. “If it was anyone’s fault, it was mine.”

“So, I didn’t…kill him?”

“No. You didn’t.”

“Oh, God…” Relief washed over Justin in sheets. Lance pulled him into another embrace, and that’s how the doctor found them.

The nurses insisted on wheeling Justin out of the hospital, telling him it was hospital policy. He thought maybe they just wanted to fawn on him, but he allowed it. During the week he had been in the hospital, a new young nurse had seemed to pop up in his room every day, and being used to the adoration, he just smiled and signed whatever they stuck in front of him.

“Take it easy, Justin,” one of his favorite nurses, a girl named Shelley, told him. “No more of those pills.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, saluting. “I don’t know why I couldn’t just walk.”

“We LOVE waiting on you hand and foot,” she said, rolling her eyes. He laughed, but the smile froze on his face when he saw the car in front of the sliding doors. Joey’s car. Lance was leaning against it, swinging the keys around on one finger. “That your ride?”

“Guess so,” Justin said, slowly getting out of the wheelchair.

“That’s Lance Bass!” One of the nurses whispered excitedly.

“Calm yourself,” Shelley snapped. “You act like they’re something special.” She smiled at Justin. “Behave.”

“I will. Thanks. To all of you,” Justin said, then looked at Lance. “Hi.”

“Your chariot?” Lance said, swinging the passenger door open. Justin smiled and climbed in.

“You didn’t have to come get me,” Justin said. “I coulda…”

“You coulda nothing. I wanted to.” Lance pulled out of the hospital parking lot. “Actually…I was wondering…if you wanted me to stay with you for a few days.”

“With me?” Justin asked. He considered this. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone, but he also wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone with LANCE.

“I just…I know what it’s like to come home from the hospital and not quite know where to go from there,” Lance said gently.

“I’m…I’m not sure,” Justin said honestly. “But thank you for coming to get me and everything.”

“No problem. I’m sure that Chris and JC will be at the house when we get there,” Lance told him. “I wanted to pick you up by myself.” Lance pulled to the side of the road. “I wanted to say thank you, Justin. I never really did. Thank you for taking me in, for taking care of me and bringing me back to myself. I know it must have been incredibly hard for you, especially with all the guilt you were feeling about Joey. So…thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Justin whispered. Lance took his hand.

“I meant what I said in the doctor’s office, Justin. I think I’m falling in love with you.”

“No.” Justin snatched his hand back. Lance looked hurt. “I…you’re not, okay? That was the other you.”

“The other me? That was still me, Justin. And you’ve been the same person all along…so how could I help it?” Lance pulled back out into traffic. “I think that maybe one of the reasons I got so mad when I found out about Joey and me was because I knew I was having feelings for you…and I thought it was wrong. I felt guilty, like I was betraying Joey’s memory.”

“I know that feeling,” Justin muttered, staring out the window.

“But he’d want me to move on. And just because I love you doesn’t mean I love him less,” Lance said softly. “I figured that out recently.”

“Look, Lance, I…” Justin stopped talking as Lance pulled into Justin’s driveway. JC was sleeping on the front porch and Chris was jumping up and down, kicking him awake. Justin had to laugh. “Impossible.”

“That’s Chris for you,” Lance said, smiling. Justin got out and was engulfed in a huge hug from Chris.

“You’re home! The baby’s home!” Chris crowed.

“Stop calling me that,” Justin said, but he couldn’t stop the smile that covered his face.

JC called in Chinese, and they sat on the floor in the living room, sharing out of the little boxes and talking a mile a minute. Justin watched Lance closely. He laughed a lot, talked a lot, and seemed to be back to normal. Justin tried to remember normal, but he felt like he would never be normal again, not when there was four instead of five.

“This isn’t right,” Justin said suddenly. Everyone stopped talking. Justin put down his fork. “It’s not right without Joey here stealing my rice, dropping noodles in my hair. It’s just…not right.” Justin’s lips trembled. “I never thought I would miss him like this. I hated him, hated him for taking what I wanted even when he did nothing wrong. And I miss him.”

“J.” Chris hugged Justin. “It’s okay. You can cry. He’s gone, and we all miss him.”

“But I hated him,” Justin said, trying not to cry.

“But he knew you really didn’t,” Lance said softly. “Trust me, Justin. Who knew Joey better than I did? He NEVER hated you. You saw what he wrote in the letter he gave you, with the music. He loved you like a brother no matter what. He wouldn’t let the relationship with me get in the middle of that.”

“You read the letter?” Justin whispered. Lance blushed.

“Yeah, uh, that’s how I found out…about me and Joey. I was looking for you and went into the studio and saw it there.” Lance looked away.

“I could drop noodles in your hair if you want,” JC suggested, and Justin finally smiled.

“No, thank you. That much I could do without.” Justin sat up and wiped at his nose. “God, I feel like all I do is mope and cry anymore. I’m such a girl.”

“Is that why you took the pills?” Chris asked carefully. Justin looked at him.

“Yes. I took them to stop crying, and to forget why I wanted to cry in the first place. But I know now how wrong it was.” He looked at the skin on his arm. “God…I could have really hurt myself.”

“Yeah, you could have, and if I see those pills around here again I will kick your ass,” JC said almost angrily. “I can’t lose another friend that way, Justin.”

“You won’t, Jayce. I promise,” Justin said, and he meant it.

“So…you want me to stay?” Lance asked as the others prepared to leave.

“No, Lance, but thanks. I…I need some time to think about some stuff,” Justin said. “I just need to be alone.”

“I’m only a phone call away,” Lance told him, and Justin nodded. Chris and JC hugged him and said goodbye. Lance lingered in the doorway.

“Maybe we can get together tomorrow or something,” Justin said.

“I’ve been going through some of Joey’s things. I think you should have a few of them. He’d want you to, and I can’t get any use out of them.” Lance hugged Justin, then pulled back a bit. “Can I kiss you goodbye?”

“I…” Justin started to refuse, then changed his mind. “I guess so.”

“Don’t sound so excited,” Lance teased gently. He took Justin’s chin in his hand and tenderly kissed Justin’s red lips. He pulled back, read Justin’s eyes, then kissed him again. “Good night.” Lance gave Justin’s shoulder a squeeze, then went out to his car.

Justin opened his eyes and yawned. Then he sat up straight. “What? How? What…what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to say hi. I’ve never seen someone so unhappy to see me.” Joey sat on the edge of Justin’s bed and smiled at him. “How are you, Justin?”

“How am I? How AM I? Oh, peachy keen, Joey. I have to live through you dying, Lance losing his memory, Lance regaining his memory, and me trying to wrap myself around a tree while under the influence of mind-altering drugs. I’m just great. How are you?” Justin said wryly. Joey laughed and Justin felt warm all over.

“I’m fine. Miss you all, but fine.” Joey studied Justin, his eyes large and brown. “About Lance…”

“Don’t start, Joey,” Justin moaned. He looked at Joey sharply. “You ARE dead, right? You can’t kick my ass?”

Joey laughed again. “Justin, I don’t want to kick your ass. Not that I NEVER have wanted to, but I don’t now. You’re fine.” Joey smiled. “Lance loves you, Justin. He’s in love with you.”

“Joey, I swear that…”

“Justin, I heard you that day at my funeral. I know you weren’t trying to do anything with Lance. He comes on kinda strong.” Joey smiled, a faraway look in his eyes. “Trust me. I know. And I know you weren’t asking for it. But I’m gone now, Justin. And I’d feel better knowing you were taking care of him.”

“But…” Justin’s eyes swam with tears. “He belongs with you, Joey. I know that now. I mean…God…”

“He can’t be with me, Justin,” Joey said gently. He looked at Justin tenderly. “Do you really want him to be with me now?”

“No,” Justin whispered. “I’m sorry, Joey, about the accident. Lance told me he was wrestling the phone from you, but I still pissed you off and I’m so sorry. I really miss you.”

“I miss you guys, too.” Joey looked away. “Where I’m at…it’s great, and I don’t really feel sadness, but there’s a part missing. You guys aren’t there.” He stood. “Well, I didn’t want you kicking yourself about this any longer. Try things out with Lance. I give my permission and approval,” he finished in a booming voice, then laughed.

“Joey…” Justin looked at him, not knowing what to say.

“I know, Justin.” Joey smiled. “Go back to sleep.”

“I can’t. I want to ask you…”

“Go back to sleep.” Joey waved a hand over Justin’s eyes and he fell back against the pillows, deeply sleeping.

Justin woke up an hour later, rubbing his eyes. “Joey?” He said, sitting up. He knew it had been a dream, but it seemed so real. “Thanks,” he whispered.

“This is Lance.”

“Lance, this is Justin.” Justin sat down and played with one of his pillows.

“Justin! Hi. How did you sleep?”

“Pretty bad…weird dreams,” Justin said vaguely. “Hey, do you still want me to come over?”

“Of course I do.” Justin could hear Lance’s smile. “I have a big pile of stuff here for you.”

“Okay…I need to shower and stuff. I’ll be there in an hour with breakfast.”

“Sweet. I’ll see you in an hour.”

Justin carefully balanced the cups of coffee as he rang Lance’s doorbell. Lance answered, smiling as he saw Justin’s load. “Hey. This smells good.”

“Hazelnut for you, mocha for me, and muffins. Blueberry.”

“Mmm.” Lance took the coffee and led Justin back to the breakfast room. It was a sunny morning, and it was nice to sit around a small table and dig into the muffins. “Tell me about this dream.”

“I…uh…dreamt about Joey,” Justin said softly. Lance choked on a muffin crumb.

“Joey?”

“Yeah…he…uh…he told me that he knew I hadn’t like, you know, forced myself on you or anything. And he said that I should go for it. With you.” Justin looked nervous.

“Is that a bad thing?” Lance asked.

“No. I just…I feel like I’d be with you for all the wrong reasons. If Joey wasn’t…”

“I’ve always cared about you, Justin,” Lance said softly. “Always. If you would have gotten to me before Joey…we definitely would have hooked up.”

“You never told me that,” Justin whispered.

“Of course not. I couldn’t. If I had told you that, you would have done anything you could to win me from Joey. Am I right?” Lance laughed as Justin blushed. “Thought so. But now…we can see what happens.”

“Yeah,” Justin said, feeling better than he had in weeks.

“C’mon. Lemme show you this stuff of Joey’s I want you to have. I don’t know WHERE he got this stuff,” Lance said over his shoulder as he got up.

“Lance, wait.” Justin pulled on Lance’s sleeve. “C’mere.” He pressed Lance back against the wall and kissed him. His hands slid down to rest on Lance’s waist as their tongues dueled.

“God…” Lance moaned as Justin licked at his lips.

“I can’t wait to see what happens,” Justin whispered, and Lance kissed him again.

The End

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