JC sat on a rock wall running along next to a small stream. Lyn had been gone for hours, she had ridden off on her horse after she’d left them on the patio at her grandfather’s. They had seen her in the distance and GrandDa had assured JC that she knew the lay of the land well and that she would be fine.

The problem was, he wasn’t concerned about her not being able to find her way home, he was concerned about her not being able to find her way back to him. He didn’t deserve another chance, he had made the biggest mistake of his life and hurt the one person he was trying to protect.

The air was chilly and the lush rolling hills seemed to go on forever, he could see for miles, and Lyn was nowhere in sight. Looking around, it was easy to see why she had come here. Tipperary was peaceful, lush and as far away from him and his lifestyle as possible. It was almost as if this place had been frozen in time, a better, quiet, relaxed, peaceful time.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there, and he’d lost track of his thoughts when she materialized on the horizon. He was thrilled to see her, and to know she was safe. He watched as she rode to the barn and disappeared inside for several minutes. From his vantage point, he could see all of her movements and he was shocked to see her walking in his direction.

Her hair was whipping around her face, she had her hands pulled up into her sweater’s sleeves, and her arms were wrapped around her. Her riding boots were muddy from walking toward him through the soggy field and when she stopped in front of him, his heart broke all over again, her cheeks were wind burned and tear streaked. Lyn’s eyes were hollow when they met his, “Why did you come here?”

“I had to. You were here.”

“What did you want from me? Did you want me to open my arms and embrace you? Was I supposed to run to you and say what you did was ok?” She roughly pushed at a tear that had escaped her control.

He had a lump in his throat that he couldn’t swallow, “I wanted you to know the truth. I wanted you to know that I made a mistake, and that I will probably make tons of mistakes after this, but that I want to work through every one of my mistakes with you. I didn’t expect you to be excited to see me, or to be waiting for me with open arms. I thought I could take care of you...that I could protect you alone but I need you, I need your help. I need your help the way I need your love.”

“You need my love? If you needed my love, why didn’t you trust it?”

“I never doubted our love, I thought I could protect it.” He finally let go, his own tears began to fall, “I knew I loved you. I ALWAYS knew I was in love with you, I can’t remember NOT loving you. I was so afraid of them taking you away from me, that I didn’t think. I acted without thinking and I will regret this whole mess every day for the rest of my life. But I am also going to spend every day of the rest of my life trying to make this up to you. I’m going to spend the rest of my life knowing I don’t deserve you, and I never did. Because you are good, kind, caring, loving, strong and gentle and the most incredible person I have ever known and I’m none of those things. I’m so weak and thoughtless.”

She pushed her hair back, “JC, you haven’t always been in love with me...”

He stopped her, “Yes I have. I’ve known for so long. I knew when you were with Reagan, I knew that I wanted you to be with ME that way. I wanted to hold you and love you the way he DIDN’T. And now I’m worse than him.”

“JC...”

“I need to show you something.” He stood up, “Will you let me?”

Lyn nodded and they walked up to the house in silence. When they got to the porch, JC bent to open his bag and Lyn sighed, “I’m sorry you slept on the porch.”

He stood up with a notebook in his hand, “I was fine, and I deserved it.”

“Do you want to go inside? I’m hungry and cold and exhausted.”

“I’d like that.” He followed her into the front hall. He’d been in this house before and he loved it.

This house, unlike the McLachlan’s house in Orlando, this one had a distinctively masculine feel. The house was well over two hundred years old and the ancient walls were dark wood. Along one wall there was a pair o dark leather chairs. Hanging over them were old family photos. He followed Lyn down the hall into the kitchen. She began looking through the cabinets, “I have no idea if there is any food here.”

“Do you want me to go get something?” He asked.

She smirked, “You do realize we’re in Tipperary right? You can’t just run down the street to McDonalds.”

“If you want McDonalds, I’ll find it.”

She rolled her eyes, “I think we’ll be fine.”

“Thanks for letting me tell you everything.”

“GrandDa didn’t exactly give me much of a choice. He knows I can’t say no to him.”

“Yeah, I know that too, which is why I asked for his help.”

“I figured. He’s a romantic.”

“So are you.” He took out two plates and set them on the counter.

“I was.”

“That doesn’t change just because your boyfriend is an idiot.”

“You know what JC? Sometimes it DOES. You know how many times I’ve been hurt. I was able to get over all of that because it wasn’t love..not the way WE WERE. You’ve been my life as long as I’ve known you, and you took that away.” She slammed a pan down on the stove and began throwing various items from the cupboards in.

“I didn’t mean...” He found two wine glasses and a bottle of wine.

“I know that. But my heart doesn’t. I have spent three weeks trying to make sense of your actions. I understand that you think telling me the truth now makes it all ok, but it doesn’t.”

“Lyn, I KNOW it doesn’t. I know I have done the unthinkable. And I know that I have no right to ask your forgiveness. I also know that I never have deserved to be your friend, let alone your boyfriend. The only thing I can say is that I love you. I love you with my entire heart, soul and being. I WANT to be with you. I WANT to grow old with you. I want to have kids with you and I want you to want that too.”

“I always DID!” She wiped a tear off of her cheek, “But you have crossed a line, and I didn’t even know that we had lines. I didn’t know there was anything you could ever do that would hurt me like this.”

JC looked up at her, “I was never perfect.”

“You were perfect to me!” She took a long ragged breath, “You were perfect for me.”

“I’m the most flawed person in the world, my biggest flaw is that when it comes to loving you. I love you without thinking. I just love you, and I’ll do anything for that love...including making the biggest mistake of my life.”

“So what do you think we should do now?”

“I think you should let me prove how much I love you. You should make me prove that I will never do anything this stupid again.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Are you willing to try?”

“I don’t know.” She smirked, “Following me here was a start.”

“I would have gone farther.”

“I can’t believe Justin caved.” She shook her head.

“He didn’t. He wouldn’t. He tried to kill me, but wouldn’t tell me a damn thing.”

“So how did you end up here?” She was actually shocked.

“Well...Lance was right...I just knew.” JC smirked, “I asked him how he found Stasia when she went to Josh’s in Michigan, and he said he just KNEW, he said he knew her and it just came to him. The same thing happened to me. I was coming home from talking to Lance, begging him to get Justin to tell me where you were, and Tipperary met me at the door and I JUST KNEW. I didn’t stop to think I called the airport, book the next flight out, dropped Tipperary off at Lance and Stasia’s and came straight here.”

Lyn didn’t know what to think, if he knew her that well, why would he have pulled the stunt with Bren? Nothing was making sense in her head. Everything that had happened was contradicting everything she thought she knew. She looked up at the man she knew she loved, and wasn’t sure if he ever really loved her at all.

JC was still talking when Lyn shook her head, “How am I ever going to know you loved me?”

“What?” His eyes grew wide.

“How am I going to know?”

“You don’t KNOW that loved you?” He couldn’t keep the hurt and anger out of his voice. “You don’t KNOW that I loved you? What do you think I’ve been doing all these years? Do you honestly think that I spent YEARS setting you up? Do you honestly think I’ve spent all this time getting to know you, being with you just to hurt you?”

Lyn’s eyes narrow and she pointed a finger at him, “NO! I don’t know! How in the hell am I supposed to know? The last time I saw you, you were kissing my SISTER! Sorry if that threw me for a loop, but guys have dated me to try to get at Bren in the past, maybe you were more clever. I DON’T KNOW JC! Right now, I don’t feel like I know you? My head is jumbled and I’m confused, and you want to know why? BECAUSE OF YOU! And let me tell you another thing, you have NO RIGHT to have any anger in you voice, or any hurt, because you weren’t hurt here, I WAS and if I’m not ‘coming along’ fast enough for you, YOU CAN GO HOME!” She threw the dry pasta in her hand at him and stomped out of the kitchen.

Lyn slammed her bedroom door and flopped down on the bed. She saw her phone sitting on the dresser and sighed. Quickly dialing she waited for the call to be picked up on the other end, “Hello?”

“Hey B.B.”

“You’re calling to tell me you’re coming home right?”

“No, I’m calling to vent and get your opinion.”

“On what?”

“JC is here.”

“He actually found you huh?”

“Yeah. You wouldn’t believe the story he told me, and I seriously don’t want to get into it again because I’ll start crying again.”

“I definitely don’t want that. So what do you need to vent about?”

“I never thought I’d say this, but how am I ever going to know if JC really loved me, or if he’s just part of this big...THING? Justin, I loved him...I love him, but now I feel like I can’t trust what he says.”

“I think he loves you...”

“HOW? How could he do this if he loved me.”

“I don’t know. You know I’m not president of his fan club right now, but I do know he was in love with you...I don’t know what happened...or if he still is, but I know he was.”

“I don’t know what to think anymore.” Lyn rolled over onto her back.

“I can understand why you feel that way, but you’re going to have to figure it out on your own. If you want to be with him...I guess you should be.”

“You guess?”

“He was a total ass. He should have to work for it.”

“Oh, I know it.” She sighed, “You don’t have any answers huh?”

“Sorry L.S. I’ve got nothing.”

“This SUCKS!”

“I know it.”

“I just threw the contents of a box of pasta at him.”

“Couldn’t find anything heavier?”

“Not within my reach.” She laughed.

“Maybe you should keep a rock in your pocket.”

“Or a brick?”

“Even better! That’s my girl.”

“Thanks B.B.”

“Anytime. You should come home and leave him there.”

“I’m not quite ready. I can’t come back until I have my head on straight, I’m going to have a lot of work to do.”

“I thought Stasia had a handle on it.”

“Oh, she does. I’m going to have a lot off other stuff to deal with. I’ll let you know when I’m coming home. I miss you.”

“Good luck!”

“Thanks. Bye Justin.” She flipped her phone shut and walked over to the window. JC was sitting on the front steps staring off into the distance. She huffed and pulled the curtains shut.

JC had been in Ireland for six days. Lyn was refusing to see him and JC was having a lot of long talks with Lyn’s grandfather. The old man was a wealth of knowledge and life experience. The one thing that hit JC every time he sat and talked with Mr. McLachlan was the fact that when he spoke of his wife, his voice filled with emotion. She had died ten years before, and her husband was still madly in love with her.

“You still love her don’t you?” JC asked on a bright afternoon.

“With all my heart and soul. With every breath in and out. I miss my Kellen more than you will ever understand.”

JC nodded and looked down at his hands, “I want that.”

“You’ll have it son, you just have to be patient with my Allyn. Irish women are a stubborn lot, and McLachlan women are especially stubborn, but they also have an amazing strength of character. You have to give her the chance to see her heart.”

“I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to show her.”

“Be strong. Don’t give up. Never give up on her, you are meant for one another, take faith in that and hold on to the knowledge that you have found the kind of love people fight wars for, that people die for.”

JC nodded, “I think I’ll go back to the house now. Maybe she won’t throw anything at me today.”

“What was it yesterday?”

“A loaf of bread.”

At least it’s softer than the rock two days ago.”

JC laughed, “Good point.”

He walked down the road to the house and smiled at the postman as he walked by in the other direction. The postman shouted, “Package for ya at the house!”

“Thank you!” His step picked up and he saw Lyn sitting on the porch.

She rolled her eyes, but didn’t seem to have anything to throw so he approached her, “How are you?”

“Fine. Stasia and the guys sent packages for us.” She pointed at a box with JC’s name on it.

“What did you get?” He sat on the step with his box on his lap.

“I haven’t opened it yet.” She stood up and took her box inside, shutting the door.

He smiled to himself, “At least she didn’t throw anything.”

He opened the box and couldn’t help but smile at all of the letters resting on top of a gift wrapped box. He instantly knew Stasia’s gray stationary and opened her note first.

JC,
I can’t begin to tell you how glad I am that you’ve found Lyn. Please don’t give up, she’s worth fighting for. If you need anything, please let me know, I’ll do anything I can to help. We gathered together a few things we thought you could use. Good luck.
Love always,
Stasia

He laughed as he read Chris’s detailed instructions on how to complete a commando raid on Lyn’s house. Apparently he was supposed to kidnap Lyn in the middle of the night and carry her off into the sunset. According to Chris, “Chicks love that stuff.” JC made a mental note to tell Chris if he took Lyn in the middle of the night, there wouldn’t be a sunset to carry her into.

Lance gave practical words of encouragement and sage advice, as usual. Joey made some jokes and then told him not to worry, because love conquers all.

He unwrapped the package and laughed, inside was a one man tent, a blanket, a pillow and an air mattress. His friends always knew how to make him laugh and they actually did help, the porch was not exactly comfortable.

Inside the house, Lyn was sitting in the middle of the living room floor excited to se what Lance and Stasia had sent. She was surprised to see a note from each of the guys. Chris offered to beat JC up. Joey offered to ‘make some calls and have JC taken care of’. Lance just wanted her to know how much she was missed and that she should take as long as she wanted. There was no rush and they were there for her no matter what she decided to do.

Stasia was equally supportive, she sent some girly stuff for Lyn to pamper herself. She sent a few pictures from Dev and Ryan’s wedding. Lyn couldn’t help but notice Stasia had removed all of the pictures with JC in them. She smirked and made a mental note to thank Stasia.

After setting Stasia’s package aside, she found a notebook with a note taped to the front of it. Justin had quickly written the note which said:

L.S.,
I don’t know if this is going to help or not, but I thought you should read this. I stole it, and he’s going to be pissed at me, but I don’t care. I remember when he mentioned it to me, and I read this then. He doesn’t know that I’ve ever seen this journal, so I know he didn’t write the stuff for anyone else to read. I marked the pages you should read. If you need me, I’m here.
Love,
B.B.

3/18/00
We’re in the middle of all of the promotional stuff. I’m already losing track of what city I’m in. I just want to skip all of this and get on with the tour. The reporters keep asking the same questions and we keep giving the same answers. I reached my breaking point after the chat thing we did today. Chris smacked me in the head with his bag and didn’t apologize. I called Lynie and the ass was there. It was pretty cool, because she ignored him and talked to me for like two hours. I needed that. She talked me down, even though Reagan was bitching the entire time in the background. She told me about taking Lis to the first day of preschool. Lisy said it was ok, but she thought it would be boring. She is too much. It dawned on me today that Reagan isn’t in love with her, which isn’t a big shock because he is a huge idiot and doesn’t see what he has. The surprising part was that I realized when I was saying good-bye and I said, “I love you.” I do. This SUCKS. I think I’m in love with Lyn. She would laugh hysterically, hug me and say, “You’re so sweet.” but there is no way she is in love with me. She loves Reagan, and not me, and I’m a big idiot. The worst part is all of the sudden I didn’t care what she wanted. I became completely selfish and wanted her to love me and forget about him. I’m totally hopeless.

JC’s journal entry stopped abruptly as an idea hit him. Under the entry Lyn was shocked to see familiar lyrics.

You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless
Cause I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only one for you
What's wrong with being selfish?

Until the day I make you realize
That for your there could be no one else
I just gotta have you for myself
Baby I would take good care of you

Ok, so that needs some work. I’ve never written a song for anyone before, let alone a song she’ll never know is for her. I better get some sleep. I AM SO PATHETIC!

Lyn stared at the page in front of her, JC wrote ‘Selfish’ for her? She had no idea that he had cared about her at that point. She noticed that Justin had marked another page further into the journal. Flipping to it she noticed the date, May 30, 2001. She remembered the date because JC had been whining that he had to have his liner notes in by the end of the day, and he hadn’t started them.

So I had to redo my liner notes. I got all brave and explained ‘Selfish’ thinking maybe when Lyn read it, she’d feel the same way. Then I chickened out and redid them. No I have no clue what they say, more of the same old stuff. I did such a good job on the first set, saying that love is selfish and I wanted my best friend to know that the song was hers. I said I hoped that one day she’d let me love her and maybe I’d be able to sing the song to her. I’m such a huge chicken, it’s no wonder she doesn’t love me, I don’t even have the guts to do something romantic. I’m pathetic. I think my favorite part of the song is the verse:

Why do you keep us apart
Why won't you give up your heart
You know that we're meant to be together
Why do you push me away
All that I want is to give you love
Forever and ever and ever and ever

That’s the part that meant to most to me when I was writing it. I want her to give me her heart, and I’M too afraid to ask for it. PATHETIC!

Lyn stood up and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She walked out onto the porch where JC was blowing up and air mattress. She knelt down next to him and sniffled, “What’s wrong?” He dropped the mattress and all of the air came whooshing out.

She pushed at the tears again, “Tell me about ‘Selfish’.” Her arms were crossed over her chest and the sleeves of her big sweater were hiding the notebook from his view.

A look of terror passed over his face, “What do you mean?”

She unwrapped her arms from her chest and handed him the notebook. “Did you write it...”

He closed his eyes tightly, “I wrote it for you.” He shook his head, “Where did you get that?”

“Justin sent it to me. You wrote it for me? Why?”

“Because I LOVE YOU ALLYN! Because I WANT YOU and I always have! I’ve been in love with you for so long it hurts! And you didn’t love me! YOU DIDN’T WANT ME!”

She stopped trying to cease the flow of tears and shook her head, “YES I DID! I LOVED YOU!”

“You were with Reagan...”

“And I BROKE UP WITH HIM, BECAUSE I REALIZED I LOVED YOU!”

He squinted at her, “But you didn’t tell me...you never told me.”

She shook the notebook at him, “You didn’t tell me about this either!”

JC ran both of his hands through his hair and sighed, “God, you are the last person on earth I ever wanted to hurt. You are the last person I wanted to lie to. I guess I’ve been lying for a long time, and I didn’t even know it. I’m pathetic!”

“STOP SAYING THAT!”

“Stop saying what?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Stop saying you’re pathetic.”

“I only said it once...”

“You write that over and over in here! You are NOT pathetic.” She shifted and sat next to him, “You were misguided. And stupid. And clueless. And dense. But never pathetic.”

He smirked, “I think you forgot moronic.”

“You’re right, I did.”

“Are you going to throw that journal at me?”

“Nah. I’m going to want this later.”

“For what?”

“To show people.”

“You’re going to show people my journal?”

“Yes I am.”

“Who may I ask are you going to show it to?”

“First I’m going to show it to Stasia, Dani, Angela and Morgan...I need to brag.”

JC’s heart jumped, “Brag?”

“None of their stupid NSYNC guys wrote them a love song.”

“Oh.” He nodded.

“And some day I’m going to show our kids, when I’m telling them the story about how Uncle Justin, Aunt Stasia and Uncle Lance saved us.”

JC was afraid to look at her. It was very possible that he had passed out blowing up the air mattress and this was not real. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and then turned to face her. She had never looked more beautiful. Her nose was red and her eyes were puffy from crying. Her cheeks were tear streaked and her hair was blowing in every direction.

She sighed, “We have a lot to talk about, and a lot of apologizing to do...speaking of which, sorry about the pasta...oh and the bread.”

He smiled, “What about the rock?”

“I meant the rock.” She smiled.

“I guess I deserved the rock.”

“I’m sorry about the rock too.”

“I’m sorry about not telling you about all of this from the beginning. I swear to you on...Tyler’s life, I was trying to protect you, I wanted to fix all of this so you wouldn’t get hurt. I’m an idiot.”

“I get all of that but...BRENNA?”

He shook his head, “I panicked. And I SWEAR we barely even touched!”

“You better not have.” She punched his arm.

“So how do we do this? How do we start over again?”

She looked him in the eyes, “We walk and we talk and we hold hands and we are one hundred percent honest from this second on. I don’t care if the truth is going to hurt, it’s our only option from here on out.”

He nodded, “You’re right. So I’m forgiven?”

Lyn held out her hand and JC laced his fingers in hers. She stood up and looked down at him, “Let’s walk.”

They walked for hours together. JC couldn’t remember the last time they had been together without anyone else around. It seemed that there were always people around them, her sisters, the guys in the group, his fans, a body guard, his family, the dogs, Stasia, Dani, Angela and Morgan. “When was the last time we were alone?” He wrapped his arms around her.

“I guess in your room before the wedding.” She laughed, “Until poor Lance walked in.”

“No, I mean actually alone for more than twenty minutes.”

Lyn looked at him, “I have no idea. It’s been longer than I can remember.”

“Let’s make a deal, from now on, you and I are going to take at least one long weekend a month. No one else is invited, and we’re not going to find any excuses not to go.”

“That sounds good.”

“Lyn, I’m serious about this. We need time alone, to be together. We need time to reconnect and unwind. I’m not going to lose touch with you ever again. You were gone for three weeks, that’s the last three weeks you will ever spend away from me.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. That’s so.” He rested his chin on the top of her head, “So we’re on a bluff over looking the sheep fields.”

“Yes we are.” She nodded her head, causing his head to bob up and down.

“Do you know what happened here?”

“Sure I do. This is where Da chased Ma. She was angry at him for asking someone else to a school dance. But what she didn’t know was the girl was Da’s cousin who couldn’t find a date. She was so angry, she never gave him a chance to explain.”

“I didn’t know about that!” JC laughed and leaned back looking into her eyes.

“Then what were you talking about?”

“I was talking about your grandparents.”

“GrandDa told you that story?”

“Yes he did. He told me this is a special place for your family.”

“He’s right. This is where I came the other day when you told me everything at GrandDa’s. I think we all find strength in this piece of land.”

“I’m glad we came here.” JC took her hand and smiled, “You know what I was wondering about?”

“What?”

“I was wondering why you haven’t turned this ring around yet?”

“You remember that conversation huh?”

“I remember everything you’ve told me.” He pushed her hair back over her shoulders, “May I? Do you want me to turn it?”

“You’re the only person who could ever do it.”

JC slipped the claddagh off of her finger and turned the heart in. He slipped it back on her hand and raised her hand to his lips. He kissed the ring and whispered, “Thank you for letting me love you. I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of you.”

“Thank you for loving me and letting me love you. Thank you for finding me.”

His head bent down and their lips touched. Lyn’s arms went tightly around his neck and he increased the pressure of his lips on hers. He leaned back a little, “I love you.”

“I love you.” She smiled, “This has been one hell of a month.”

He laced their fingers together and began walking back to the house, “Now explain to me HOW Justin got his hands on my journal...and WHY he knew you should read it.”

Lyn laughed and said, “I honestly don’t know. He said he stole it and he read the entry about ‘Selfish’ when you wrote it.”

“Remind me to kill him when we get back.”

“OH NO! You aren’t touching a hair on that boy’s head! If it weren’t for him, I still wouldn’t have forgiven you.”

“I really owe Lance for this. He was so supportive and he wound up getting stitches because he was helping. I’m going to have to do something MAJOR to thank Lance and Stasia who set me straight in the hospital.”

“We have the best friends in the world.”

“You are so right Sweetpea.” He kissed her temple.