“Morgan?” The voice was soft and cautious.
“Yeah.” She rubbed her hand over her face.
“Morgan, it’s Brenna. I’m just returning your call. I’m sorry if I woke you, but I wanted to call as soon as I got your message. I’m all confused by the time difference.”
“No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you right in the middle of all of you sister’s wedding stuff...”
“Hey! Stop, I’m glad you called. What happened? I’m assuming you didn’t call just to chat.”
Mor sighed, “I had just finished terrifying Justin’s three year old brother. I was having a nightmare and Steven came to wake me up and a screamed at him...I didn’t mean to.”
“Oh wow.”
“Yeah. My fucked up head is now hurting small children.”
Brenna’s voice was soft, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. It sucks that you freaked him out, but that isn’t how you are normally. You can’t beat yourself up for what he did to you.”
“How did you get through this?” Morgan’s voice got shaky.
Brenna laughed a cold laugh, “I developed a big, old bitchy shell.”
Mor sat there silently for a moment, before realizing exactly what Brenna was saying, “Oh.”
“Yeah. My defense mechanism was apparently becoming a nasty bitch so guys wouldn’t want to ever get near me again.”
“So...when did it get better?”
“After I started dealing with it. It wasn’t until all of the drama with JC and Lyn that I realized my brain still wasn’t working right. Nothing in my life was real, because I kept everyone at arm’s length. I never let guys get near me at all, other than to flirt then walk away, and I never let anyone else in, because then they might find out my dirty little secret.”
“So you never told anyone?”
“No. Not until I started therapy after the thing with JC and Lyn, then I told Lyn. Now my family knows, JC knows, you know. That’s about it. Not exactly something I wanted to write on a billboard.”
Morgan pinched the bridge of her nose, “I just want to feel normal again. I wasn’t even raped...”
“Hey! Don’t belittle your feelings. You have every right to be hurt, confuse, angry, afraid. You may not have been raped, but you WERE assaulted. You were violated. THAT ISN’T YOUR FAULT.”
“I was too stupid to see what he was doing. I was stupid enough to drink the drink. I was stupid enough to get in a car with him. I was stupid enough to pass out...”
“Stop it. We may not be best friends, or even really friends for that matter, but I do know you well enough to know that the LAST thing you are is stupid. You’re carrying around a whole bunch of guilt right now, that doesn’t belong to you. Morgan, you didn’t do this to yourself.”
“God Bren, I’m sorry.”
“About what?” Bren sounded confused.
“About assuming that you were just a bitch for no reason. You are the LAST person I thought would try to help me.”
“Yeah well, I didn’t exactly give you any reason to think otherwise. I’m going to give you a word of advice, that I wish I would have taken myself.”
“What’s that?”
“Get help sooner, rather than later.”
“I’m sure I should...but...”
“I swear to you it will help.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I ask. So what are you going to do about the kid?”
“I don’t know. Justin’s dad and stepmother were really cool about it. They said they understand and they’ll try to explain to Steven. But I scared the SHIT out of him.”
“I hope that works out. I should let you go back to sleep. How about you and I get together for lunch or coffee or something when I get back from the wedding?”
“I’d like that. Thanks.”
When she heard his voice she suddenly felt nervous, “Daddy! Lisa! Mor! I’m home! Where are the boys?” The statement was followed by the thud of his suitcase hitting the floor.
There was a lot of noise from the entrance hall. Morgan stayed in her room, curled up trying to read. The unmistakable sound of Justin charging up the stairs two at a time made her heart pound a little faster. The knock on the closed door gave her butterflies in her stomach, “It’s open.”
He walked in and stood at the edge of the bed, “Didn’t you hear me come in?”
She rolled onto her back and smiled weakly, “No. Sorry. How was your flight?”
“It was fine.” He moved to kiss her, and felt a twinge of pain when she stiffened rather than kissing him back.
“That’s good.” She watched him as he settled on the edge of the bed, “Did you bring pictures?”
He ran both hands over his face and nodded slowly, “Yeah. Yeah I did. And I have a gift for you from Lyn.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“I don’t know. It’s still wrapped.”
They both turned as Steven went tearing down the hall screaming, “Jus-sin! Jus-sin!”
Chuckling, Justin called out, “I’m in here buddy.” Steven ran to the door way and stopped short. Holding his arms open Justin said, “Come’re! Don’t I get a hug?”
Steven looked at Morgan and then shook his head, “Nuh uh. You gotta come’re.” Steven looked down at his shoes and took a tiny step back making sure the toes of his shoes were lined up exactly where the carpet of the hallway met the carpet of Morgan’s room.
Shaking his head, Justin slid off of the bed and onto his knees, pulling his little brother into his arms. He squeezed him tightly and smiled, “Hey buddy!”
Justin turned his attention fully to Morgan, “What the fuck was that all about?”
Pushing her hair back out of her eyes she sighed heavily, “He’s afraid of me.” She answered simply.
Justin stood up and began pacing, “Why EXACTLY is Steven afraid of you?” He shoved his hand deep into his pockets.
Moving to sit on the edge of the bed she sighed heavily, “Because I frightened him. I was having a nightmare and he tried to wake me up and I pushed at him and screamed before I was fully awake. He won’t get near me. I tried to talk to him, Lisa tried, your dad tried. I’m sure I looked completely crazed.”
Justin refused to look at her now, “You pushed him?”
“Yeah. I didn’t mean to...”
“But you did? You pushed a three year old...and you screamed at him.”
She didn’t say a word. She simply nodded. Justin had every right to hate her. He had every right to never forgive her. She wouldn’t blame him if he put her on a plane and shipped her off within the hour.
“Do you still think you don’t need professional help?” His voice was cold and she could tell he was fighting to control his temper.
She was afraid to look up at him, because she was afraid of what she would see in his eyes, so she didn’t, “I...I...I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? Mor, I’m trying here. I’m TRYING SO HARD! But it’s not easy at this point.” He crouched down in front of her and forced her to look at him, “Not eating right, that’s one thing, not drinking anything for three weeks...” she looked alarmed, “...yes, we’ve noticed that...not caring if you get better for your own good, that’s another thing, but when Steven get’s hurt...we’re in a whole new league.”
“I know.” Her voice was small.
“I can’t force you. But I can’t let you hurt the boys either.”
“I would never hurt them on purpose.” Tears began streaming down her face.
“I KNOW that. But Mor...”
“I can’t believe that this happened. Dear God...Steven.” She covered her mouth with both hands.
Sighing heavily Justin shook his head, “I love you so much. I don’t think you have any idea how much I love you, but I don’t know what to do. I want to be able to hold you, to comfort you and help you...but you don’t want to be touched. I want to be able to talk to you, and not see your eyes completely vacant. It is so hard for me to see you hurt and confused and not be able to touch you because someone else tried to hurt you.”
“I’m sorry...” Her shoulders shook as she cried.
His head dropped back, “I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be better.”
“But maybe I can get better without going to a doctor.”
“Maybe...but when? And how? And Mor...I’m sorry but until you are better, you can’t be alone with my brothers.”
Her shoulders began shaking harder, “What is happening to me?”
“You’re hurt and scared.”
“I’ll go.” She sobbed.
“Good.” He stood up, “I’ll try to talk to Steven.”
She wiped her face with the back of her hand,“Thanks, but I don’t think that it will do any good at this point. I’m going to have to make it up to him somehow.”
“Hello?” Justin balanced the phone between his shoulder and ear as he turn off the water in the kitchen sink and reached for the dish towel to dry his hands.
“May I please speak to Morgan?”
“Sorry. She’s not in. Can I take a message?”
“Justin, it’s South...I just wanted....”
“I really don’t care what you wanted.” He hit the power button and set the cordless phone on the counter.
“So who was that?” He jumped at the sound of Lance’s voice behind him.
“No one.” Justin walked across to a stool and looked down at the newspaper.
“Did you know that you’re a crappy liar?” Lance took a bottle of water from the refrigerator, “So who was it REALLY?”
“Laura.” Justin didn’t look up from the page in front of him.
“Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on her?” Lance to a long drink of water.
“After what she did, I don’t think I’m being hard enough.”
“Yeah, because coming in and stopping that bastard, that should be punished. And calling you, even though she hates you as much as you hate her, when she found out Morgan hadn’t come home, THAT should be punished.”
“Fuck off Lance.”
Lance shrugged, “I’m just saying...” He walked out of the room.
Looking back at the phone Justin growled, “Damn it.” He reached for the pen and paper sitting on the counter and quickly scribbled, ‘Mor- Laura called.’
Chewing on the inside of her cheek, Mor stared out the window. When the door quietly opened and closed Morgan turned slowly. “Hello Morgan, I’m Dr. Westerville.”
“Hi.” Mor shook the hand offered to her.
The doctor sat down across from her. She had gentle eyes and a soft voice, “When Stasia called me, she said that you’d had a very traumatic event.” Morgan just nodded, “How about you tell me a little about yourself?”
“There isn’t much to tell. I’m 21. I’m a college senior.” Morgan looked back out the window.
“That’s it? How about your family?”
“My mother is a cardiovascular surgeon and my father is in sales.”
“Brothers and sisters?” Dr. Westerville craned her neck to try to look Mor in the eye.
“Nope.”
“Ok.” The doctor made a note, “So why is it you’re here?”
“I frightened my boyfriend’s little brother.”
“I see.” she made another note, “When?”
“Last week.”
“How?” She put her pen down.
“I was screaming and pushed him.”
“Why did you do that?”
“I was asleep and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“OK.” Dr. Westerville took off her glasses and tossed them on the table, “Morgan, I hope that in time, you will grow to trust me. To feel comfortable and safe here. I hope that you’ll be able to open up and get down to what is bothering you.” Morgan stared at her blankly. “I’m sure we we be able to get you to a point where you can be happy.”
Raising an eyebrow Morgan sighed, “OK...”
“That doesn’t happen in one session. It may take a lot of sessions, there’s no way of knowing that right now.”
“And?”
Dr. Westerville smiled, “And that’s it for today. I’ll see you on Friday.” She stood up.
“That’s IT?”
The doctor looked at her, “Yes. We aren’t going to fix this in a day, we have a lot of work to do, but we have to get to know each other first. We need to trust one another.”
“Oh.”
February 12, 2002, New York, New York
“How do you want to handle this Justin? Are you going to tell Carson about you and Mor?” Joey chewed on his sandwich.
“Carson knows about me and Mor.”
“You know what I mean. Are you going to admit to being together on camera?” Joey wiped his mouth on his napkin, and grabbed Chris’s soda.
“We talked about it, and considering the current circumstances, Morgan doesn’t want it to be public knowledge...not that there is anything to tell at this point. I haven’t been within three feet of her physically since I picked her up in New Hampshire.”
Lyn reached around and rubbed his back lightly, “Give her time, B.B.”
“I AM!” He stood up and walked away from the table.
Chris snatched his drink back from Joey, “I don’t think we should have made him come with us. Especially not now, when we’ve got to go to Utah in a week for the Olympics.”
Lance leaned back in his chair, rocking it up on it’s back legs, “We all told him he could stay home today. But he doesn’t want to draw any attention to the fact that something is wrong. I can’t blame him for that.”
“This whole situation sucks.” JC sighed.
Stasia started to stand, “One of us should go after him.”
Lyn put her hand on Stasia’s shoulder and stood, “I’ll go.”
She found Justin in his dressing room, staring out the widow watching the traffic below, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t giving her time back there. It’s just that I seem to be at a loss for words when it comes to this whole situation.” She put her arm around his waist, and leaned her head on his shoulder.
“I didn’t mean to yell at you.” His head came to rest against her’s.
“Nothing I can’t handle. I’ve know you for a long time, that was NOTHING.” She bumped him with her hip.
“I guess you’re right.” His arm snaked around her shoulder and her turned to hug her completely, resting his chin on top of her head, “I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with everything being out of my control.”
She squeezed tighter, “I know. But you HAVE to, the last thing Mor needs is to have you melt down. Justin, maybe it would be smart for you to talk to someone who could help you sort out all of your feelings.”
“Momma said the same thing.” He sighed, “Great, now I need a shrink.”
“HEY NOW! Some of your very best friends benefit from consulting professionals. Dr. Westerville is really nice, you would like her a lot.”
“How do you know Dr. Westerville is nice?”
Lyn laughed, “How do you THINK I know? I haven’t exactly had the best year, I mean I HAVE had the best year of my life, but with every up, there was a down. For God’s sake, I saw my sister kiss my boyfriend, I lost my job, I found out someone had videotaped me having sex, it was a lot to deal with.”
“Maybe I should call her?”
“Or someone else if that would be better for you.”
Justin smirked, “I thought the whole ‘pent up rage’ thing was working for me.”
Lyn rolled her eyes, “Yeah...not so much.”
Letting himself in through the front door, Lance called out, “J? I have the stuff from Roots for you.” He walked deeper into the house. He knew Justin was there, because Stasia had just gotten off of the phone with Justin and then called Lance, there was no way Justin had been able to leave. “J!”
Lance put the bag he was carrying on the table in the kitchen and grabbed a Dr. Pepper out of the fridge and glanced at his watch and looked at the schedule posted on the refrigerator door. Morgan should be at her therapist’s office. He recognized Dr. Westerville’s name, because Stasia had referred Morgan to the doctor that had helped her get through her problems after her attack.
He ran up the stairs assuming Justin was in the shower. He was going to shout into his room and let him know the stuff he needed to pack for Salt Lake City was in the kitchen. He got to the top of the stairs ans heard a strange noise coming out of Morgan’s room. She had moved out of Justin’s room and across the hall a little more then a week ago. He and Justin had gone over to her apartment and brought most of her stuff back with them, so her room could be her own.
Lance was surprised that Mor would miss one of her doctor’s appointments, she’d been very careful about making every one of them. Knocking lightly he stuck his head around the side of the half open door, “Mor?”
He rushed in when he saw Justin in the middle of the floor, curled into the fetal position, shaking and sobbing, “Justin! What happened?” Squatting down in front of his friend.
Justin didn’t look up, didn’t move, and didn’t stop crying. He looked completely vacant. Lance scanned the room, looking for some idea as to what triggered Justin’s breakdown. Lance put his hand on Justin’s shoulder, “J, I REALLY need you to talk to me here. What happened?”
Justin sniffled, and tried to gain control of his breathing. He rolled on to his back and stared at the ceiling, “I can’t do it. I can’t do this anymore.”
“What?” Lance sat next to him.
Justin wiped at his eyes, “I can’t pretend I’m ok. I’m not. I’m never going to be ok again.”
Lance’s eyebrows drew together, “No one thinks you’re ok. You shouldn’t be ok.”
“I can’t go to Utah.”
Lance looked him square in the eye, “That’s fine. We’ll figure out some story to tell the press. If you don’t feel up to it, we’re not going to force you to go. You’ve got more important stuff going on.”
“Just like that? You just make a decision for the group like that?”
Sighing Lance nodded, “We’re a group second. We’re your friends first. I’ll call everyone else, but you know as well as I do that you’re gonna get the same answer out of each of them. You come first. Morgan comes first. The group isn’t as important as getting you and Mor better.”
“I’m fine...”
“No Justin, you’re not. You’re curled up in a ball on your girlfriend’s bedroom floor crying because you feel like you’re at the end of your rope. That isn’t ok. Have you called Dr. Westerville?”
“No.”
“You think that might be a good idea?”
“Fuck.”
“Just call her.”
“Do you realize that this is the first time ever that there is a problem so big that we can’t fix it as a group...without outsiders?”
Lance shook his head, “That’s not true. We’ve had to ask for help before, part of our strength is the fact that we HAVE asked for help when we’ve needed it.”
Glancing up as the door closed quietly Morgan smiled, “Hi.”
“Good afternoon Morgan.” Dr. Westerville sat down, smiling warmly.
“So I thought of something.” Morgan bit her cuticle.
“What’s that?”
“Well I’ve been coming in a few times a week for a few weeks right?”
“Mmm hmm.” The doctor nodded.
“So the thing is, the guys have this major thing. They are singing at the Olympics, and before, I didn’t think I was gonna go, because of...everything and stuff...but I was thinking...can I go?”
“Morgan, you don’t need my permission. If you feel as if you’re up to it, all you have to do is make the decision that you want to go.”
Mor nodded and sighed, “So umm...I thought of something else I may have forgotten to maybe mention...”
Dr. Westerville smirked, “May have forgotten...or held back?”
Mor blushed, “Held back.”
“I see. What is it?”
“Well, there are these dreams...I keep having them...”
~Chapter 18~
~Main~
