Wanna run for you
Would it do any good?
If I flew for you
You would still be standing

Following the music playing loudly, Morgan found him in the gym, pounding on a defenseless punching bag, “You know, it can’t defend itself.”

And it's hard watching
'Cause I'm part of you
And it's hard not to
Not to know what I can do

I'm powerless to change your world
I'm powerless to stop the hurt

I'm trying hard to be your tower of strength
I'm trying hard to bring you back to joy

I'll give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder

When the night just cuts you through
And the dream is lost to you
When you're worried and confused

Breathing heavily, Justin turned to face her, wiping his forehead with the back of his taped hand, “I think that’s part of the draw.” He walked over to the small refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water, “How’d it go at the doctor’s office?”

I will give you my heart give you my shoulder
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
Over and over

Time and again
Give you my shoulder
I will
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
I will
Time and again
Over and over
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder

Flipping off the stereo, he crossed the room to stand in front of her.

Sitting down on one of the weight benches Morgan smiled, “I think I had what is called a mini break through.”

“How so?” He leaned his shoulder against one of the weight machines.

“Well a few things happened, and actually, I need to talk to you about them.” She sighed and looked him in the eye, “I don’t even know where to start.”

“How about t he beginning?”

“Yeah.” She nodded, “So I asked her if it would be ok if I went to Utah with you guys.”

He raised an eyebrow, “You did? Why?”

She smirked, “Because I think I want to go. Would that be ok with you?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I think so. And I made another connection sort of thing I guess. You know how I haven’t really been drinking anything?”

“Yeah.” He sat down on the bench next to him, “That can’t be good.”

“No. It isn’t. But I think I finally realized that it’s because I’m worried about what might be in it.”

“We’re not going to drug you.”

“Well I KNOW that, but...like...my brain isn’t working right lately, so the doctor asked me if I thought I could drink bottled drinks that I open myself, and she offered me a bottled water, and I was ok with that. So I’ll start there and gradually work my way up to other stuff.”

He nodded, “OK. If that’s what you need.”

Looking down at her hands she sighed, “Justin, I need something else from you.” She looked up.

Looking into her eyes he noticed that something was different, he didn’t know what was different, but something had changed, “What do you need?”

“I need to tell you what’s happening to me. The thing is, I might get upset while I’m telling you, and I really need for you to not freak out. I promise, I’ll get through it, just be here while I tell you ok?”

His only response was to nod. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to stay calm if he saw her cry again. He wasn’t sure his own unstable emotions would allow it, but for the first time in months, she was asking for him, and he was going to do everything he could.

“I’ve been having these dreams. And when I told Dr. Westerville about them, she said that they might be suppressed memories or something from that night. Like my subconscious trying to be my conscious or my conscious being turned on or some damn thing...I don’t really remember how she explained it. But the thing is, I think I’m like, hearing what happened. I can’t see anything, just darkness and light...not people or anything. And I can hear these voices.”

“Voices?”

She nodded, “Yeah. There are these two voices, one is horrible and angry and scary. The other is just screaming and trying to get me to wake up or fight or whatever.”

“OK.”

“So the doctor thinks that maybe if she hypnotizes me, if they are memories, then maybe she can help me bring them to the surface and sort out what really happened. If I do that, then I might be able to start to get past it.”

“Is that dangerous?”

“According to her it’s not. The thing is, I have to feel completely safe and comfortable when she does it, or it may be traumatic...well, it still may be traumatic...because well...it just is.” She sighed, “So I wanted to know...if maybe...you know...you would come with me...if you’re not busy or whatever.” “After we get back from the Olympics.”

“If you want to do this, I’ll be there.”

Terror gripped her as the room flipped again, the front of her body feeling cold, “No bra. I like that. Did you do that for me?”

The second voice surfaced, “YOU HAVE TO FIGHT!”

Suddenly she knew she needed help, she had to do something. The voice in her head grew louder and she whimpered, “Just-in....”

The first voice laughed the coldest, hardest laugh she’d ever heard, “Call me whatever the hell you want, but your Justin isn’t here! It’s just you and me, and my little friends.”

The feeling of terror tightened in her chest as she fought to regain a sense of control. The pure evil in the voice cut through to her core, “This is going to be amazing. I’m going to enjoy every second of this...it would be better if you were awake, but this will do.”

The second voice in her head screamed out again, “YOU CAN FIGHT IT! COME ON YOU CAN FIGHT HIM!”

She wanted to listen to the second voice. She wanted it to help her, she knew the second voice was safe, it took every ounce of strength left in her body to say, “No.”

The anger in the voice was enough to send a chill through her entire body, “No? What are you going to do North? I’m in control here. You can’t do anything to save yourself. I’M IN CONTROL!”

The room shifted again as her head whipped to the side, no one had ever hit her before, “FIGHT HIM! COME ON! YOU CAN FIGHT HIM!” The second voice scream out to her.

Calling out to the voice that was trying to keep her from slipping into the darkness, she whispered, “Justin.”

“He’s not HERE.” The evil voice growled.

The voice in her head had somehow managed to bring her thoughts a little closer to the surface, but her stubborn body refused to respond. She wasn’t completely aware of what was happening, but she KNEW she wanted it to stop. She felt cold and frightened. She mustered every ounce of strength in her body and focused it on pushing the evil voice away. “NO!”

“THAT’S RIGHT! SCREAM ‘NO’! YOU’RE DOING IT! KEEP FIGHTING!”

Suddenly, her vision cleared briefly and she could see cold hard eyes burning into her, “This would all be over faster if you just let the drug do what it’s supposed to.”

Justin and Lance both ran into the hall when they heard Morgan scream, “No.”

Justin reached for Morgan’s door knob and looked at Lance, “It’s ok. Go back to bed.”

“Are you sure? Are you ok to talk to her?” Lance’s eyes were blinking rapidly.

“We’re fine.” Justin slipped quietly into the door, closing the door. He turned on a small lamp sitting on the dresser and quietly called out, “Morgan. Honey it’s just a dream, you need to wake up.”

Sitting bolt upright, she squinted, “Justin?”

“I’m right here. Was it another nightmare?” He sat on the end of the bed near her feet, careful not to touch her or do anything to startle her.

She leaned back against the headboard and sighed, “Yeah.” Her breathing evened out, “I’m ok. It was just a dream.”

“Was it the same dream?”

“I don’t think so. It was different. They’re never really the same.” She pushed her hair back, “I’m not as...it wasn’t as bad somehow. Scared the shit out of me, but not like...in the same way.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t go to Salt Lake. Maybe you aren’t ready yet.” He rested his hand on her foot.

She shook her head, “No. I’m going. I want to go. I’m done not living. I’m done feeling sorry for myself.”

“Hey now. You’re entitled to a little down time. It’s ok to take your time.”

“I know. I am. I just need to start stretching my wings a little.” She locked eyes with him and smiled, “You think when everything is said and done...I’m going to be ok?”

He nodded, “I know you’re going to be ok.”

“Ok then.” She laid back down, “We should go back to sleep.”

He stood up and nodded, “You’re right.”

As he moved to the door she quietly called him, “Justin?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we going to be ok?”

Turning to face her in the semi darkness, he shook his head, “No. We’re not GOING to be ok. We ARE ok.”

Stepping out into the hall, he jumped when he almost tripped over Lance and Stasia’s legs. The pair was sitting on the floor across from Morgan’s door, leaning against one another, both looking half asleep, “Jesus! You scared the crap out of me.”

Stasia yawned as she stood up, “Is she ok?”

“Yeah. She’s just been having some nightmares. The doctor is working on it.” When neither one of them seemed to be moving he said, “Guys come on... go to bed she’s ok.”

Lance shook his head, “I am going to call Johnny and cancel our trip to Salt Lake.”

“No man, you can't do that.” Justin shook his head, “We have never once cancelled an appearance in 5 years we aren't about to start now.”

Stasia’s arms crossed over her chest, “Justin it isn't a big deal... we'll call in a favor and get someone to take the place of the group.”

“Morgan wants to go...WE'RE ALL GOING. I suggest you guys pack.”

Olympic Village was brimming with people as they walked together toward USA House, “You having fun?” He looked down at the top of her head, which was concealed under her hat.

“Hell yeah! The snow boarding was a BLAST! I cannot believe we’re going to the figure skating finals tonight. How’d you swing the tickets?” She looked up at him and he was excited to see that her cheeks were pink.

He laughed, “I have my connections. Just be glad I’m willing to sit through FIGURE SKATING. I think I may love you too much.”

She stopped in her tracks and put both hands on her hips, “Nuh UH!”

Smirking, he poked the tip of her nose with a glove covered finger, “Uh HUH!”

“Jerk.” She grabbed his hand away from her face and held onto it with mitten covered hand as they began walking again.

He looked down at her again, a little uneasy about holding her hand. He wasn’t sure how to react to the physical contact. But his body had been screaming out to him to hold her or caress her for so long, he wasn’t going to pull away from her until she let go, “I am SO not a jerk. I’m a stand up guy. Just ask anyone.”

“It’s all a matter of opinion.” She smirked up at him.

“OK, no picking on me! I have a very important performance tonight. Out in the cold no less!”

“Oh poor Justin!” She rolled her eyes, “You’ve performed in the cold before. I have no sympathy for you Mister!”

“So are you glad you came?” He glanced down at their hands, still held tightly together.

“Absolutely. I’m feeling much better.” She nodded, emphasizing her point.

“Can I say something without you getting upset with me?” He steered her down the sidewalk toward a less populated area.

“Honestly, I can’t promise that right now, but I’ll try.” Her eyebrows drew together as she looked up at him.

“It’s not that I’m not enjoying this new happier version of you, but the turn around seems to be a little...drastic? Are you sure you’re ok?”

“What? Me? I’m fine. I’m just having a little fun. I thought that’s what you wanted.” She cocked her head, “Or did you really want me to stay pitiful so you could keep trying to take care of me?” She took a step back from him and glared.

“I DO want you to have fun, but Mor, I don’t want you to force anything. If you’re still upset that’s ok. You don’t have to pretend to be ok if you’re not. I just want you to be honest with yourself.”

She shook her head slowly, “You know what? The LAST thing I need right now is you psychoanalyzing me. I WANTED to have a nice day with you. I WANTED to enjoy being here, I WANTED to try to forget about the horror that I dream about every night. I WANTED FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES TO FEEL NORMAL!” She turned on her heel and started walking away.

“Mor! Stop! Wait! I didn’t mean to upset you!” He ran after her.

Turning to glare at him, she shook her head, “I’m going back to the hotel.”

“Morgan! Please don’t go! Come on, please, I was just worried.”

“Just leave me alone Justin.” She continued to walk in the direction they’d come from.

Standing in the middle of the sidewalk watching her get smaller and smaller as she walked away he pulled his hat off and threw it, “SHIT!” Glancing around he realized he was on a very public street in the middle of a very big event, not at all the right place to have a melt down. Bending to pick up his hat he shook his head, “Now what Timberlake?”

“Hello?” The voice on the other end of the line was a welcome sound.

“Hey Bren. It’s Morgan.” Morgan sat down on the edge of the bed as she unwound the scarf from around her neck.

“Hey! How’s Salt Lake?”

“Cold.” Mor tossed her hat onto the dresser and ran a hand through her hair, “Justin is an ASS!”

Brenna laughed quietly, “Is that right?”

“You want to know what he just did to me? He’s such an ass.” She stood to unbutton her coat.

“You already mentioned that part. So what did he do?”

Sitting back on the edge of the bed Morgan looked at her reflection in the mirror, “We were have a lot of fun. Joking around like...before, and he pulls me aside and said I’m too happy. That I’ve changed drastically and maybe I should still be all depressed and freaked out and whatever. ASS!”

Brenna chuckled, “You’re too happy now?”

“We’re walking along holding hands, and BAM! He wants me to be all depressed.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t WANT you to be depressed. You were holding hands?”

“Yeah. Why is that a big deal?” Mor fell back, staring at the ceiling, “He IS my boyfriend.”

“Well it’s just that you’ve mentioned that you guys haven’t really...shared the same space since...before. Maybe he’s just confused. He doesn’t understand the process you’re going through.” Bren was quiet for a moment, “I’m sure he can’t understand how, when there is even a glimmer of happiness or fun, you have to cling to it, because you never know when the darkness will come back.”

“He’s constantly on eggshells. I hate that.” Morgan sighed, “When I took his hand, I could feel him tense up for a second, and then it was like he was trying not to apply too much pressure, or too little...he wasn’t just holding my hand like it’s a natural thing to do.”

“Sweetie, I hate to break it to you, but right now it ISN’T a normal thing. YOU said yourself that any time anyone, INCLUDING Justin touched you, your skin crawled. He had to pick up on that, so when you reach out, it has to frighten him a little because he doesn’t know what to do. This has to be so strange for him.”

Sitting up and resting her elbows on her knees, she let her head hang down, “I bit his head off.”

“Yeah, I sort of assumed.” Bren laughed, “Think of it this way, it’s not the first time you’ve done that, and I’m sure it’s not the last.”

“I just wish he’d stop worrying so much. This is MY problem.”

“I don’t think he’ll ever stop worrying about you. He sees your problems as his problems, that’s the way it’s always been with you guys. Have you TALKED to him at all?”

“A little. I told him about the dreams, and that Dr. Westerville wants to hypnotize me, and I asked him to be there.”

“Maybe if you kept him filled in, he’d understand the roller coaster a little better.”

“Well SHIT!” Mor growled.

“What?”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

Bren laughed again, “Hey Babe, I’m here to help.”

“Thanks Bren. Maybe I should go find the ass.”

Justin was standing on the roof, leaning against the ledge looking down at the people walking around on the street below. It had taken phone calls to everyone in their group to track him down. She had finally called Dre, who told her where Justin was hiding. Quietly walking up to stand next to him she pushed her scarf down a little so he’d be able to hear her a little more clearly, “Hey.”

He glanced over and sighed, “Listen Mor, I didn’t mean...”

She held up her hand and said, “Wait. Let me say something first.” She turned to face him, leaning her elbow on the ledge, “I’m sorry...”

“No. I’m the one...”

Rolling her eyes she covered his mouth with her hand, “Seriously, LET ME FINISH.” She shook her head and removed her hand, shoving both hands into her jacket pockets, “I shouldn’t have bitten you head off earlier. I know you’re just worried about me, but you know that I’ve never been very good at being coddled or babied.”

“I wasn’t trying...” He stopped when she shot him a dirty look. “It’s not your fault.” He shoved his hands deep into his pockets.

She shook her head, “No. It isn’t my fault, but it’s my problem.” She sighed, “I lied to you and I kept the truth from you.”

“You were scared...”

“Justin, I should have told you the truth right away. I was so frightened that...” She looked out into the distance, “...that you wouldn’t love me anymore, or that you would think I was dirty or tainted...”

“MORGAN! I could never...”

“I SHOULD have known that. But I was so frightened, and so confused. See today when you called me out on the fact that I’m ‘too happy’ right now, I think it scared me, because it meant you were seeing through me. It’s not that I’m NOT happy right now, but now, there is always a darkness lurking below the surface, I don’t know if it will ever go away. I don’t want that to affect you.” A tear rolled down her cheek.

Justin started to reach out to her, and then moved to run his hand over his face, “This is so hard. I want to hold you and kiss you and make everything ok. But I CAN’T and I hate that more than anything. I can’t make this go away and I can’t make it better. I can’t hold you, and I can’t touch you, because I’m so afraid that if I touch you, you’re going to pull away, and I don’t know if I can deal with having you pull away from me again.”

“God. I’m so sorry I’ve done this to us...” She covered her mouth with her hand.

“It’s not your fault.” He pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stop the tears threatening to spill from his own eyes.

“I don’t know what to say...”

Rubbing his hand over his face again, he slowly reached out, offering her his hand, “I love you.”

She looked at his hand, hovering in the air between them, waiting for her to reach out to him as well. She reached out and slipped her hand in his, “I love you too.”

Lyrics used at the beginning of the chapter are Heart and Shoulders by Heather Nova