And all the other guys became like the older brothers I never had. They all kept a constant eye on me, especially if I was with Justin.
And JC became my best friend. I could talk to him about anything that was bothering me; from Justin being an ass to missing home. I could tell him anything, and he made that point extremely clear. But I think, at times, it bothered Justin to see us together so much.
I sat on the couch in the playroom at the WEG Compound, talking with Hannah on the phone. As she babbled about how much she hated her brother’s newest girlfriend, I looked around the room. I laughed to myself as Joey and Lance kicked Chris’s ass at basketball. And I couldn’t help but smile as I watched JC and Justin play a baseball game on their new PlayStation2.
“Holly, you there?” Hannah asked.
“Yeah, yeah…I'm here, sorry.”
“I asked how everything’s been going,” she repeated, trying not to sound upset.
“Everything’s been going great! The guys are finishing up 'Hell Week,' then the first show is in Miami on Saturday.”
“What about you and Justin?” she asked excitedly.
“Well, we’ve had dinner a few times, but because of rehearsals he hasn’t had much time to do anything.” We both got quiet, searching for something to talk about. An idea struck me first. “Has Jake called?” I asked quietly. Lately, I had been spending my nights at Justin’s, since my apartment was at least an hour away from the rehearsal building.
“Umm, actually yes, about two days ago. He said something about getting together with you soon. I told him you were booked for a while because of work, and he just hung up.”
“Dammit Hannah, ya shoulda told him not to call again. Look, I gotta go; I'm tying up the line. I’ll call before we leave.”
“Bye, talk to ya soon,” she said and hung up. I hung up also and put the cordless lime green phone back in its cradle.
“Lunchtime!” Melinda Bell called from the kitchen. But I didn’t make a move to get up. I just sat there, suddenly missing Hannah…and Daniel. As the guys filed past me, I stayed put. I was tempted to get out my picture of Daniel from my purse, but knew I couldn’t do that. I had to move on; looking at his picture everyday wasn’t going to help.
JC poked his head through the swinging door and cleared his throat. “Hey Holly, you coming, or what?” he asked.
“Umm, no I'm not hungry,” I said, not looking at him. He pushed the door open enough for him to get through, them gently closed it. He sat next to me and took my hand. “You ok?”
“Well, ya know, I just miss home, and Hannah…” I said. It was the truth, too. Just not the whole truth.
“Who’s Jake?” he asked nonchalantly.
“You heard, huh?” I tried to avoid the subject, but when all he did was nod, I had to explain. “He’s my ex-boyfriend, we broke up about 3 years ago. He’s been bugging me about getting back together since I don’t have Daniel anymore.” I took a deep breath, now I was going to have to explain about Daniel.
I closed my eyes tight as I began. “Three years ago Jake and I were pretty serious…”deeply in love” I guess you could say. We were gonna get married after I graduated. But I got pregnant in late October of my junior year of college; I was almost 18, and he was 19. When Jake found out, he was convinced the baby wasn’t his, and he left me. He was so mad he even came to my parents’ apartment one day and beat me. When I had Daniel, I realized how much trouble I had caused with the whole ordeal…I was the disgrace of the family, so I gave him up for adoption.” I started to cry. “He turns 2 on July 31. Jayce, I miss him so much.”
He had been quiet through my whole speech, and so he stayed as he hugged me.
I heard the door open and seconds later Justin was by my side. “What’s wrong?! Holly, are you ok?”
“She's fine Justin. We were just talking,” JC explained.
“She’s crying C! Or didn’t you notice?” He took me from JC and held me tight, kissing the top of my head.
“Whatever, I'm gonna go get something to eat. You gonna be ok?” JC asked me. I nodded, so he left.
“Why didn’t you come talk to me?” Justin asked, obviously hurt.
“Why did you hafta be such an ass to JC?” I demanded, looking him in the eye angrily. “Maybe it’s something I'm not ready to talk about with you, did you ever think of that? It’s something I'm trying to get over, not bring back into my life.” I pushed away from him and went upstairs to the bathroom. I pulled my picture of Daniel out of my purse and sat on the edge of the sink, crying over it.
That night I went home with Justin. I couldn’t stay mad at the man. I mean, I didn’t even really have a reason to be mad. He was just worried about me.
At about midnight, I got up and left the guestroom I was staying in. I went upstairs and walked to Justin’s room. “Knock, knock,” I called.
“Hey, come on in,” Justin called back. I went in and sat on the bed next to him. “What are you doing up?” he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist.
“I couldn’t sleep. Look Just, I'm really sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that, you were only trying to help.”
“It’s ok, really. Are you ok now? I’ve been worried about you all day.” He kissed my nose and I giggled.
“I’m ok, don’t worry ‘bout me. But I don’t wanna talk about it, so don’t push it.” I kissed him lightly, then got up to leave. He grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the bed again.
“Justin, we have to go to work tomorrow,” I mumbled, still pressed against him.
“So, we’ll be late.” I laughed, and moved closer to him. He picked me up by my waist and put my in his lap. He flipped us over so he was on top of me, and kissed me again and again, moving from my lips to my neck and back again.
I helped him pull his shirt over his head, and ran my hands all through his hair, which had just begun to grow back. Everything was great.
Until I felt his hands roaming under my shirt on my back. Then they moved around to my stomach. He tried to lift my shirt up, but I moved out from under him.
“I can’t do this,” I mumbled before I ran out of his room.
“Holly,” he called after me. “Holly, where are you going?”
I looked up and realized I had made it all the way to my car. I got in and sat there, staring at Justin as he stood in front of the car, staring at me with pleading eyes.
“Holly, you can’t leave! Please don’t leave me,” he begged.
“I’m sorry, Just,” I said quietly, staring right into his eyes. I started the car and backed out into the street. He followed my car to the end of the street, but stopped at the corner.
I drove straight to Hannah’s apartment, not looking back once. When I got there, I took the elevator up to her floor, knocked on the door, and collapsed before she could even answer. The last thing I remember before I blacked out was hearing Hannah call out, “I’ll be right there.”
The next thing I remember is waking up on the couch around 4:30 that morning. I tried to sit up, but got too dizzy and laid back down.
Hannah walked in a minute later carrying a mug of hot coffee. She was still in her waitress uniform from the day before. “Hey Holly,” she said quietly, walking over to me. “How are you feeling?” she asked, sitting at the end of the couch, by my feet.
“Ok, I guess. I’m a little dizzy, though.”
“Well, just lay down for a little while. So, ya wanna tell me why you decided to collapse on my doorstep at one o’clock in the morning?” she asked.
“Well, I…umm…we…” I stammered. I couldn’t very well tell her flat out what happened, could I? I took a deep breath and began to talk. “Justin and I got into a fight last night; I went in to apologize, and he kissed me; we almost had sex; I ran out and left him standing at the corner of the street; I drove straight here,” I explained all in one breath. Ok, so maybe flat out was the only way I could tell her.
“Ok…” Hannah said slowly. “Sweetie, do you feel the same way about him?”
“I…I think…I'm not sure. I don’t know if I can give myself to him like that. What if it’s not the right time, or he’s not the right person?”
“But what if he is?” she countered. Just then the phone rang. She picked it up, talked for a minute (but I couldn’t hear what she was saying), hung up, then came back to me.
“Who was that?”
“Johnny. He said Justin was worried about you. I told him you were ok, but you weren’t going in today.”
“Thanks Han. I’m sorry if I kept you up all night, I didn’t mean to,” I apologized, motioning towards her waitress uniform.
“Don’t worry ‘bout it Hun, it’s all good. I had to get up early to go to my dad’s today anyway. I have to leave in an hour, but you can stay here for as long as you want. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon around 5. Go back to sleep for now though, you look terrible. And please go in your room, you know it’s still there!”
I got up and dragged myself into my room, and changed into some pajamas that Hannah brought to me. Once changed, I closed the curtains as well as possible, said good-bye to Hannah, and lay down. I quickly fell into a dreamless sleep.
Later that day, while I was in the middle of an exciting day of watching TV on the couch, the phone rang. I found it under a pile of magazines and picked it up.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hey sweetie,” a voice said.
“Jayce! Hi!” I squealed.
“How ya doin’ cutie? Are you ok?” he asked, concern evident in his voice.
“I'm ok, I guess. Just trying to keep myself occupied. But I’ll be ok. How’s Justin doing? Is he really upset?”
“He’s upset, but he’ll get over it. Hey I can’t talk long, but do you mind I come over tomorrow, if the slave-driver otherwise known as Wade gives us a break?”
“Well, Hannah’s getting back tomorrow, but that’s ok. You remember where the apartment is, right?”
“Yeah, you showed it to me one day while we were out. I’ll see ya tomorrow Hol. Buh bye!”
He hung up and so did I. I didn’t think too much of why he wanted to come over. I knew what it was about, and I didn’t want to deal with it right now. I just wanted to get back to the talk show on TV. I wanted some peace and quiet until tomorrow.
No such luck. About two hours later, Hannah came back, slamming the door on her way in.
“What’s wrong, Han?” I asked, getting up to follow her into her room. I sat on the bed as she began to unpack her things.
“I got there, and my dad had left to go on some business trip that he forgot to tell me about! I was stuck there with the evil stepmother! God, I don’t understand how Alex can stand living with her all the time!” Alex is her 16-year-old brother. “I walked in the door and she immediately started yelling at me about how I was 5 minutes late. FIVE MINUTES, Holly! So, basically, I said hi to Alex, told him to have dad call me when he gets home, and left. I hate her so much! Ever since I was 6, she’s had one reason or another to yell at me.”
“You know what you need?”
“What?” she asked with a sad look in her eyes.
“You need to go on a date! And I know the prefect guy!” I got up and left the room, Hannah calling after me.
“Holly, you are NOT setting me up!”
But I was. I called JC and asked him to come over after their rehearsal. He said something about Justin, but I just told him to pick up some Chinese food and rent a couple of movies and come over.
And he did. The doorbell rang at about 10:15 that night, and I got up to answer it. JC stood there, a bag of Chinese food on one arm and a bag of movies on the other. I let him in, but before I could close the door Justin stepped inside.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, more afraid of what he might say, than angry.
“Hol,” JC spoke up, “I told you he was coming too.”
“You…did, didn’t you? Ok, well come on in. Hannah!” I exclaimed. “Get in here!” She appeared in the room, and her jaw about dropped to the floor when she saw who was in her living room. “Hannah, this is JC, and his is Justin. Guys, this is my best friend Hannah.”
Justin mumbled a “hi” but JC stepped forward and shook her hand. “Hi Hannah.”
“Hi…JC,” she stammered.
“Umm, Jayce, do you think Justin and I could talk for a minute? Why don’t you and Hannah go get dinner on the table?” They nodded their heads and left the room.
Justin and I stared at each other for a minute.
“Listen, Just-“ I began.
“Listen, Hol,” he said at the same time.
“I’m sorry, go ahead,” I murmured.
“No, say what you wanted to.”
“Ok, look, Just, I'm really sorry about what happened. It was horrible of me to run out like that. And I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way, I didn’t mean to.”
“Holly, I’m not mad at you. You should be mad at me, if anything! I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. I don’t know what happened to you in the past, but I know it was bad, and that you can’t trust many people. And that fact alone should have made me stop and think about what I was doing. I never want to hurt you, I want you to know that.” I nodded my head and hugged him.
“Dinner’s ready!” JC called from the kitchen. Justin led me into the kitchen, his arm around my waist. The rest of the night, I cuddled with Justin on the couch as we watched movies. And I kept a close eye on Hannah and JC.
“They make a cute couple,” I whispered to Justin as we watched them lie on the floor, JC hand resting ever so lightly on Hannah’s hand.
