But, on the brighter side, I got some letters and stuff from Josh. Hannah called me one day and asked if I knew a JDH in Minnesota. She said she had gotten a couple of letters from him. I didn’t tell her who it was, but I went over and picked them up. He’d sent me a letter just telling me stuff about him, because, as he said, he knew so much about me, but he’d never told me about himself. And then there were the Christmas cards. He sent me three Christmas cards, each one saying how he wasn't sure if I’d gotten the one before that. I finally called him and told him I’d gotten all three. There was another one waiting for me at Hannah’s apartment the next day.
It was two weeks before Christmas now, and I had finally found some downtime. Justin was at the studio, recording a new single, and I had the house to myself until at least three in the morning. Then I got a call.
"Hello?" I answered the phone, expecting Justin.
"Holly? Honey, it’s mom!" my mother exclaimed.
"Mom?! Omigosh, I didn’t expect to be hearing from you," I replied, semi-sarcastically. I had only heard from her maybe once or twice since I had Daniel. I guess she was still ashamed of me.
"Honey, I'm sorry for the way I’ve acted. Look, it’s almost Christmas and it would be wonderful if you could come up and visit us. We bought a new house, in Connecticut. It’s right on the coast, you’d love it! And you’re cousin, Jason, is coming over, and he really wants to see you."
"Mom, I don’t know what I'm doing with Justin yet-"
She cut me off, "Bring him with you! I’d love to meet him!"
"Look, Mom, I just don’t know yet. I’ll call Justin and talk to him about it, and try to work something out, ok?"
"Oh, this is gonna be a great Christmas, I can feel it!"
"Ok, Mom, I better go. Justin’s on a lunch break, and it’s almost over, so I better call him." I heard her take a breath and knew she was going to ask where he was, so I answered her before the asked. "He’s at the studio recording. But I gotta go, Mom. I’ll call you back later. Love you!"
"I love you, too!" We hung up, and I quickly dialed Justin’s cell phone number.
"Hey," he answered, simply.
"Hey, look, I know this might be a bad time, so I'm just gonna get to the point. My mom called and wants us to come to visit her and my dad for Christmas. And I really wanna go ‘cause I haven't seen my parents in a really long time. So, is that gonna be possible?"
"Holly, Johnny booked us for some MTV stuff, and I promised my grandma I’d go to Tennessee for Christmas this year. Why don’t we go to your parents house on the way back from New York after the MTV New Year’s Eve party?" he suggested.
"That’s not anywhere near Christmas!"
"I know, but it’s the only time I have free for us to go there."
"Ya know what? I think I’ll just go by myself. I mean, it’s gonna be awkward, probably, and I don’t want you to be caught up in the middle of it."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm sure. But I’ll probably leave before you get back. I’ll come to New York, though, for the New Year’s Eve party, k?"
"Ok, if that’s what you want…"
"It’s what I want. I don’t think my family’s ready for you, yet." He laughed. "Well, I better go call my mom back."
"Ok, see ya when I get home! Bye." He hung up before I could reply. Oh well, I though to myself. Whatever, he was probably just really busy.
I was about to dial my mother’s number, then my cell phone rang. I dug it out of my purse and answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hey Hol!" Josh said.
"Oh, hey," I replied flatly.
"What’s wrong?"
"Nothing, it’s just my mom called and wants me to go visit my family for Christmas. And I want to…but we haven't seen each other in, like, three years, and it’s gonna be really weird."
"I’m sorry. Get Justin to go with you," he suggested.
"I already did, only he can’t because he promised his grandmother he would go to Tennessee for Christmas this year. Plus, I know my parents are going to bring up Daniel, and I haven't told Justin that I have a son just yet."
"Holly, you gotta tell him!" Josh exclaimed, obviously shocked.
"I know, I know, but just not now. I can’t do it now. He’s acting all weird and I'm afraid of how he would react."
"What do ya mean, he’s acting weird?"
"I don’t know, he’s just been avoiding me a lot lately. I don’t even think he came to bed last night. He came in at, like 3 in the morning from the studio, and left for the studio again at 7:30. And he practically refuses to come near me. He won’t kiss me, won’t hug me. The other night, some of the guys came over and we watched movies—I sat on the couch while he sat all the way across the room!"
"That sucks, have you talked to him about it?"
"Do you think he’d even care at all?" I answered his question with my own.
"Hol, he’s gotta care!"
"I know he does. But there’s something he’s not telling me…I just can’t figure out what it is."
"Well, hey, about your Christmas dilemma, you don’t really want to go to your parents’ house by yourself do you?" he changed the subject.
"No, I really, really don’t. Why?"
"Well, I'm supposed to go see my dad a few days after Christmas, and my mom for New Year’s, because neither of them will be in the country on Christmas Day, so I have nothing to do. Do you want me to go with you?"
"Are you serious?!"
"Well, yeah…on one condition…"
"What’s that?"
"You go with me to see my parents."
"That’s all?" I questioned. Holly, you told Justin you’d go see him in New York for New Year’s. You can’t bail on him to go with Josh! I thought, then pushed the thought out of my mind. Of course I could do that.
"That’s all. If I go with you, all you have to do is go with me."
"That is so great of you! Thank you so much! But I should let you know, I'm gonna drive up there. So, you can go with me, or fly by yourself."
"Aww, why do you hafta drive?!" he complained.
"’Cause it’s a really pretty drive along the coast, and I love to drive everywhere! So, you coming with me, or what? If you are, then you gotta be here early in the morning, the Sunday before Christmas, a week from today!"
"Alright, alright. I’ll be there!" I gave him directions, and we hung up.
I called my mom back and told her that I would be coming, but that Justin wouldn’t be coming with me, that another friend would be.
She was ok with it, but I could tell she had hoped Justin would be the one to come with me. I just explained to her that Justin had been booked for some other things and that he couldn’t make it, and she was ok with it.
Soon, it was the Sunday before Christmas. Justin had left the night before to go to Tennessee, so I knew I wouldn’t run the risk of Justin seeing Josh coming over, or leaving with me. I didn’t tell him that Josh was going with me, and that I was going with him to his parents’ houses, just that I wouldn’t be able to go to New York for New Year’s. I lied and told him I had to go visit some other family and couldn’t make it. He was upset, but I knew he’d get over it.
So, there I was, standing outside the house, loading my bags into my Explorer Sport, in the cold, dark morning. I didn’t hear a car pull up, I was caught up in singing to myself, to keep the quiet from driving me insane. All of a sudden, two arms were wrapped around me and pulling me away from my car.
"What the hell?!" I practically screamed.
"Whoa, Hol, calm down," Josh said, chuckling to himself.
"Ugh, just come on," I said, annoyed. I took his bags from him and threw them in the back. "Let’s go, if we start now, we can make it to my parents’ by ten."
"Ooh, someone’s not in a good mood," Josh said to himself (or so he thought).
"No, it’s not that, I'm just really tired. I’m sorry. I had to take Justin to the airport last night at 11:00, and he made me wait with him. He didn’t board the plane until 12:30!" I started the car and made my way towards the highway. "So, I'm just really tired. I might get you to drive later, if that’s ok with you? I’ll give directions, I just want to be able to get some sleep."
"Yep, that’s cool."
We talk a lot during the 15-hour drive, except for the couple of hours where I slept and he drove. We talked about his family and how they felt about him being famous. We talked about my family and how I felt about them suddenly wanting me to come home. He made me talk about my relationship with Justin, though I hadn't wanted to think about him while I was with Josh. I told him about what had happened leading up to Daniel’s birth and how the only thing I wanted in the world was to take back my giving up Daniel for adoption.
We filled in the gaps between those conversations with singing to the radio. I found out that Josh isn't the greatest singer in the world, which made the drive a lot of fun, us laughing at him for, like, ten minutes straight. And then, some slow song would come on, and it would get quiet, so I’d start to sing along. I guess I'm a decent singer because Josh would get really quiet, with a weird, far-off look on his face, and he’d glance over at me, just smiling.
As we got closer to my parents’ house, he started to get more and more tense.
"What’s wrong?" I asked, as we pulled off the highway and onto my parents’ street.
"Huh? Oh, nothing, I'm cool…" he said, kind of to himself.
"No, you are not, don’t lie to me, Joshua."
"Ooh, I guess I'm in trouble now, huh? No, I guess I'm just kinda nervous. I feel like Justin should be here, not me."
"Get over it, Josh. You’re here, I want you here. Let’s enjoy it, ok?" I pulled the car into the driveway of my parents’ large house. The house was secluded, set back from the road, and there were no neighbors around. The only thing the house was close to was the beach. I could see the rocky coast just past the house…it was basically the backyard.
"Wow…" he said.
"Geez, this house is huge!" I exclaimed, slowly climbing out of the car. "Hey, let’s get our stuff later, I wanna go inside and see everyone!" I took his hand and ran us to the front door. When I got there, I just stood there and stared at the front door.
"Well, aren't you gonna knock?" Josh asked.
"Yeah…" I whispered. I took a deep breath, slowly brought my hand up, and knocked lightly on the door.
The door flew open a minute later and I was face-to-face with my parents, whom I hadn't seen in over two years. "Holly!" my mom exclaimed, pulling me inside and hugging me tightly.
"Hi Mom, hi Daddy!" I hugged my dad, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. I turned around and saw that Josh was still standing outside on the porch. "Josh, get inside! Momma, Daddy, I want you to meet Josh, my friend."
Josh smiled and held out his hand to my father. "Nice to meet you both." They shook hands, and Josh gave my mom a quick hug.
"Nice to meet you, too, Josh," my dad said.
"I’m sorry Justin couldn’t make it," I told them. "He had to go to Tennessee and see his family, then go straight to New York."
"It’s ok, we’ll meet him some other time."
At that moment, two babies slowly crawled across the floor of the foyer. The babies were followed by their mom, whom I didn’t recognize, but I knew she had to be my cousin Jason’s wife. Jason came down the stairs a few seconds later.
I let go of Josh’s hand, which I had somehow found myself holding again, and ran to the stairs. "Jason!" I squealed.
"Hol?! Omigosh!" He ran down the remaining stairs and picked me up, all the way off the floor, and held me in his arms. He eventually put me down and held me at arm’s length to look me over. "You look great, Shorty!" he said, using his nickname for me, the nickname he’d had since he was 6 and I was 4.
"I wore heels, and I'm still shorter than you! It’s not fair. You look great, too! And you’re married now, wow!"
"Yeah, you remember Lucy, don’t you? We got married a little over a year ago. Sorry we didn’t invite you to the wedding—none of us had any idea where you were."
"It’s ok, I’ve been all over the place, it’s hard to keep track of me. Congrats, though, I'm really happy for you. And your children are gorgeous, are they twins?" I asked, scooping the girl up off the floor, where she had decided to sit on my foot.
"Yep, that’s Larissa," he said, gesturing to the little girl in my arms, "and this is Chance," he finished, picking up his son. "They’re four months old."
"They’re so adorable," I cooed. "Aren’t they adorable, Josh?" I walked Larissa over to him.
He lightly ran his hand over her head. "They are," he agreed.
"Jason, this is my bestest friend, Josh. Josh, this is Jason, my older cousin. We used to live next door to each other; he’s like my big brother or something."
"Nice to meet you, Josh," Jason said, shaking Josh’s hand.
"Nice to meet you," Josh replied.
We all walked into the large living room where my aunt and uncle (Jason’s parents) and Lucy were already sitting on the couches talking. I put Larissa down in her playpen and sat down by the roaring fire. Josh came over and sat behind me, so I leaned against his chest.
We all talked for a long time, about everything from work, to how I met Justin and Josh, to Daniel. That was a hard conversation. As if it wasn't hard enough for me to talk about Daniel with Josh and Hannah, now I had to talk about him to the people who had forced me to give him up. I still felt a little resentment towards them…except for Jason, since he had been the one fighting for what I wanted, up until the very moment the car drove away, holding my son in it.
Before we knew it, it was almost midnight. I yawned, and leaned my head back on Josh’s shoulder.
"Are you tired?" he asked.
"Ugh, yes, I'm exhausted. Momma, I think we’re gonna turn in now."
"Ok, well, there aren't any rooms left in the house, so you guys get the guest house. It’s just out the back door to the left. Daddy will help you with your things. Lucy, you want some help getting the kids into bed?"
"Oh, that would be great." They quietly picked the babies up and carefully carried them up the stairs.
"Are your things still in the car?" my dad asked.
"Yes sir. C’mon Josh; let’s help him get the stuff outta the car." I started to follow my dad to the door, but Josh stopped me.
"Don’t worry ‘bout it, Hol. We’ll get your stuff. You go ahead and get your bed ready, or whatever it is you do before you go to sleep."
"You sure?" I double-checked.
"Yeah, go ahead. We’ll be right there."
I smiled at him gratefully, and turned around to go outside. I walked out the back door, and down the walkway that led to the beach. I stopped when the walkway turned into stairs, and stared out over the ocean. "God, this is beautiful!" I shivered at the temperature, but continued to stand there.
"Hey!" Josh called. "Are you crazy, standing out there without a jacket on? C’mon!" I laughed at his over-protectiveness, but turned around and followed him and my father inside anyway.
In the guesthouse, there was one bedroom, with a full-size bed, a living room, a kitchen, and a large bathroom. We decided it would be best if Josh slept on the couch in the living room, though I tried to give him the bed.
I got ready for bed quickly, dressed in pink pajama pants with little cherries all over them and a pink three-quarter sleeve shirt. I made sure Josh was comfy on the couch, or at least as comfy as he could get, then went to bed. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
I woke up around three in a cold sweat. I was struggling to breathe and I was crying my eyes out, not to mention the fact that I could feel the bruises on my stomach again. I’d had another dream of Jake hurting me. This time, he had kicked my stomach, then pushed me down a flight of stairs.
I took a few deep breaths, and got up quietly to go to the bathroom and wash my face. I turned on the light, turned on the water and started to splash the water on my face.
"Hol?" Josh asked, coming into the bathroom.
I jumped, and almost screamed, but I caught myself. "You scared me," I said, still sniffling.
"I'm sorry…are you ok?"
I didn’t look at him, I just continued to splash water on my face. "I'm fine," I mumbled.
"Hey—look at me." He put his hand on my shoulder and I turned around slowly. "You’re not fine. What happened."
"I just had a bad dream…"
"About what?"
I rubbed my eyes, trying to get the last of the tears out of my eyes. "Just about, well, I have them all the time. My ex—Daniel’s father—well, he just shows up at my parents’ old apartment, and he just beats me. This time, I woke up right before I died…he had pushed me down some stairs." I started to cry again.
Josh reached his hand up and brushed the tears away, and lightly stroked my cheek. "You’re ok now. C’mon, let’s go lay back down." He led me to my bed and helped my lie back down. He pulled the blankets up around me, then turned to go lay back down.
"Stay with me?" I asked before he could make it out of the room.
He smiled. "Of course. Where was my head?" He walked back over to the bed. I moved over so he could sit down. We didn’t say anything to each other. He just sat there and ran his fingers through my hair until I fell asleep.
