He was being too sweet for me to say that I was breaking up with him because we weren't getting along well. We were getting along just fine now. He was being the same old, come-sleep-with-me, if-you-don’t-I’ll-sit-here-and-pout Justin.
So, I was forced to lie to Josh, which I had really hoped I wouldn’t have to do. I’d lied enough times to last me a lifetime, so I didn’t want to lie to the person I loved the most in the world.
I really did love Josh, too. Everything about him made me feel…weird, but in a good way. It was exactly how I had explained to him, being on a rollercoaster, never knowing what was going to happen next. We were connected somehow. I could tell we were supposed to be together, in some way, whether it be friendship or otherwise. The latter felt the best to me.
I also had to lie to Hannah, which I hated just as much, if not more, than I hated lying to Josh. Hannah had been my best friend ever since I could remember, and we’d never lied to each other, or kept anything from the other. But now, it was crucial that no one knew what was going on.
Jason had been right. I should have been more careful. I had known practically since I’d first met Josh how I felt about, how all I’d wanted was to be with him. And now, no matter what, someone was going to get hurt. I wish I could take it all back, but we all know that’s impossible.
About a week after I got back, Justin and the guys had to take a quick trip to Chicago for some business meeting with another artist. I stayed with Hannah for the few days they were gone.
"So," Hannah said simply one night as we laid in her bed watching TV. "Josh?"
"What about him?" I asked, my eyes not leaving the TV.
"Well, you haven't broken up with Justin, yet you haven't mentioned Josh at all lately. So, what’s going on, Holly? What are you doing?"
"I decided…" I paused, trying to stall and think of some believable story. "I’ve decided to stop seeing Josh. The whole thing with him was really stupid, and it could’ve completely ruined the best thing in my life, so I called it quits with him," I lied.
"Good, I’m glad you finally saw how good Justin is for you, and-"
My cell phone rang, so I held up my hand to stop her, and picked up my phone. Guess who? Josh, of course. "I’m gonna go out in the hall, k?" I left the room, and answered the phone "Hello?"
"Hey cutie!"
"Hey…" I semi-whispered, trying to be loud enough for him to hear me, but quiet enough so Hannah couldn’t hear me. "How are you?"
"I miss you, but other than that, I’m pretty damn good."
"I miss you, too." I sat on the stairs and leaned my head against the wall.
"You should come visit me! My family took a vacation to Hawaii; we’re here for another two weeks. Baby, we’d have so much fun out here."
"Look, I haven't told Justin yet," I whispered, glancing behind me to make sure Hannah’s door was shut. "So, there’s no way I can just leave randomly and go to Hawaii…no matter how much I want to."
"Why haven't you told him, Holly? When are you going to tell him?" His voice was suddenly very loud, and I winced at the yelling he was directing towards me.
"Don’t yell at me! I don’t know, ok? I haven't told him ‘cause he’s in Chicago with the guys right now, so I kinda can’t."
"Look, I refuse to be a part of something like this. I’m not going to help you cheat on Justin, even though I don’t know him, it’s wrong, and I won’t do it!"
"I’m gonna break his heart, I’m so scared of breaking his heart."
"I know, but it’s gotta be done, right?"
"Right. Well, I better go, Hannah’s gonna come looking for me any minute now. Talk to ya soon."
"Ok... Bye." We hung up and I slowly stood up and returned to Hannah’s room.
"Who was that?" Hannah asked, rolling off the bed and walking into the bathroom, going to take out her contacts.
"Oh, it was just Justin."
"Why didn’t he just call the house? He knows you’re here, and he knows the number, so why call your cell?"
"I don’t know. ‘Cause he’s Justin, I guess…?"
"Oh yes, because that explains everything," she said, being very heavy on the sarcasm. "I swear, your boyfriend is so weird sometimes!"
"Yeah…" I giggled somewhat nervously. "Hey, I’m gonna go to sleep. I’ll see ya in the morning." I walked slowly towards the guestroom at the end of the hall.
I had just lied to my best friend. What was I doing? I was lying to the one person I knew I could trust with the truth.
"I’m so fucked up," I mumbled before climbing into bed and fell asleep.
The next week, Justin was back, but I still couldn’t break up with him. What if he went absolutely crazy? What if he freaked and wouldn’t let me go? What if he did something horrible to himself? From the way Hannah and every talked about his feelings for me I could tell he was madly in love with me, though I couldn’t quite figure out why. I knew a break up would really hurt him. But it was getting so hard to keep up the charade, especially with his mood swings. He had good days and bad days, like everyone else, yes, but his were at total opposite ends of the mood spectrum.
It was a couple of weeks after my stay at Hannah’s, once Justin was back. One night, Justin and the guys had a meeting with Johnny, some dance rehearsal, and then the guys and us girls were gonna go out for a nice dinner.
So, there we were, all chillin’ in Johnny’s office at the WEG compound. Justin sat on the floor, and I sat between his legs, leaning back into him. Lance was sitting on one couch and Jordan was on his lap, her legs stretched out in front of her and resting on Chris’s lap, while Chris’s girlfriend, Courtney, sat next to him, still obviously a little uncomfortable. JC and Hannah sat side-by-side on another couch. Kelly was in the corner, keeping Brianna occupied while Joey sat on the couch next to JC. Johnny was sitting in "his" chair, slouching, but clearly cozy.
I paid no attention to anything anyone was saying throughout the whole meeting. I’m guessing, though, that it was about the set list for the ‘Celebrity’ Tour, because I was forced to listen after I was required to leave Justin’s lap. Johnny said something about calling up Anthony (the stage manager) and telling him to start working on a design for a catwalk that came down from where the lights would be hooked up. The girls and I stayed in the TV room while dance rehearsal was held. After that, we went out to dinner at a fancy Italian place in the middle of downtown Orlando.
We got a big table for the ten of us, while Lonnie and Mike, the bodyguards assigned to watch us for the night, sat a few tables away.
Justin and I sat in the middle of everyone, across the table from each other. For a while, I felt like he was ignoring me. He sat there and talked to everyone but me. He would glance at me sometimes and send me a famous Timberlake Grin, but other than that, nothing. Finally, I got so fed up with him, I excused myself and went outside to get away from him. He followed me, of course.
"Why’d you come out here?" he asked, sitting next to me on the bench.
"Don’t know," I shrugged, refusing to look at him.
He took my hand. "C’mon back inside, Baby."
I shook my head. He whimpered. I glanced at him and saw his bottom lip pouted out as far as it would go. "You look pitiful. Fine." He stood up, my hand still in his, and led me inside.
Before he let me sit down, though, he pulled me away from the table. "Wanna dance?" he asked, motioning toward an open space near the table.
"Just, c’mon, this isn't dancing kind of place."
"Pweeze," he begged, pouting his lip out again.
I sighed and let him lead me out to the open space. Music played on the speakers positioned near the ceiling all over the restaurant. He pulled me close and we swayed back and forth to the slow instrumental music. I leaned my head on his shoulder, my face buried in his neck.
"Have I told you lately how much I love you?" he whispered. I giggled and shook my head. "I love you more than you’ll ever know."
"Cheesy, Timberlake, even for you," Chris said as he and Courtney joined us on the makeshift dance floor.
I ignored Chris’s rude comments after that, and swayed back and forth in Justin’s arms, somewhat content in my situation.
That’s it. I love him too much. No more Josh, I promised myself.
That was then.
I was driving myself crazy. Josh…no Justin…no Josh…no Justin. Well, now it was, move out of Justin’s and give myself time to think things through.
It all started a week or so after my dance with Justin. I had been at home by myself all day, and couldn’t wait for Justin to come home.
I was standing in the kitchen making dinner when I heard the locks click and the front door open. I continued to cook, though, waiting for Justin to come in and see what I was doing.
I kept waiting.
Still waiting.
I sighed and walked out of the kitchen. "Justin?" I called out.
"Upstairs!"
I groaned and ran up the stairs. "You didn’t come find me," I whined when I saw him in front of the mirror, fixing his hair.
"I know, I'm sorry. Hey, do you mind if Kel brings Brianna over here for a while?"
"Nope, it’ll be fun. Just us and-"
"Great, ‘cause we all wanna go out clubbin’."
"Well, how are we gonna go clubbin’ if I'm here watching Bri?"
"Can’t I just go out with the guys sometimes?" he demanded as he continued to run his gelled fingers through his curly Afro.
"Yeah, but since I'm watching Bri, that obviously means that Kel’s going, and I bet anything Hannah and the other girls are gonna go, too."
"Look, Hol, maybe I just wanna go out and have some fun without you nagging me all the fuckin’ time!"
"Justin!" Tears welled up in my eyes.
"Holly, I’m sorry, I know that was harsh, but sometimes, I like to go out and have some fun with the guys, just us. Now that we all have girlfriends, it makes that really hard. And someone has to watch Bri, and I know you love her, so-"
"Ok, whatever. I’ll watch her, just go." I ran out of the room and back downstairs.
Around 2 that morning, I heard the front door open. I took Bri carefully in my arms, so as not to wake her, grabbed her things, and went downstairs.
I saw Kelly first, waiting at the bottom of the stairs for her daughter. "Shh," I whispered. "She’s been sleeping for-"
"Hey Baby!" Justin suddenly yelled, walking in the front door. That was all it took to wake Brianna up.
"He’s drunk," Joey said, his words slurring together. "Had a little…little too much a drink."
"So did you, Joe," Kelly replied. "That’s why I’m driving home. Thanks for watching her, Hol. I’m sorry you couldn’t come. I hope you’re feeling better soon. C’mon Joey."
They left Justin and I in the living room, me staring him down while he stood there with a goofy, ‘I’m drunk’ smirk on his face.
"She hopes I feel better soon?" I questioned him. Justin rolled his eyes, waved his hand in the air as if to say, ‘Think nothing of it,’ and then walked upstairs.
I slept in the guestroom that night, too upset to go near Justin.
I woke up the next morning to find Justin’s arm slung around my waist and our legs tangled together. I started to get up slowly, but Justin stirred just enough to make me stay put.
As I lay there, I realized something. Well, I had realized it a while ago, but I finally knew what to do about it. I decided that if Justin messed up one more time, like he had the previous night, I was gone. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to leave. It had finally become so clear to me that we were no good as a couple, only as friends.
Justin stirred, and when I looked at him, his big blue eyes were open and staring straight at me.
"What are you doing in here?" I asked, point blank.
"I missed you. I’m really sorry ‘bout what happened last-"
"Look, Just, we need to talk about what happened last night. Are you sober enough to handle all this?" He nodded and I continued. "Last night, you hurt me-"
"I know, and I was a completely horrible person last night and-"
"You’re sorry, I know. But Justin, sorry doesn’t cut it. You can’t do something, say you’re sorry, and think all is forgiven and forgotten. I want you to know that you messed up last night, and it took all I had not to pack up and leave. But I’m gonna give you one more chance. One more. And if you take that one chance and mess up, I’m outta here. I can’t take this much longer."
It looked for a second like his eyes welled up with tears at the prospect of me leaving, but the tears were gone once he blinked.
"I really thought you woulda been gone by this morning. I swear, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll show you. You’ll never have a reason to leave."
"I sure hope not, Just."
