"I’m blind!" I whispered hoarsely.
"You’re not blind, sweetie," I heard Hannah say from off in the distance. "But don’t talk, you’re gonna kill your throat."
I opened my eyes again, and this time Hanna was leaning over me, shadowing my eyes. "What happened?" I asked, ignoring her warning of not talking. "Where am I?"
Before she could answer, someone walked in. JC put some drinks on my bedside table and leaned over me, stroking my cheek. "Oh, thank God, you’re awake!" I weakly reached my hand up and laid it on his. "How could you do something so stupid?" he asked, kissing my forehead gently.
"She doesn’t remember what she did," Hannah replied for me.
"Honey, you swallowed half a bottle of Tylenol and blocked yourself in the bathroom. You had us all scared to death."
Hannah’s cell phone rang, causing me to jump. Jayce made himself comfortable on my hospital bed next to me, while Hannah answered her phone.
"Hello?…Justin, where the hell are you?…You’re at home!…Damn it, Justin…What do I want from you? I want you to swallow your fuckin’ pride and get your sorry ass down here! Holly’s lying here in a hospital bed because she tried to kill herself, and she needs us all to be here for her!…Asshole!" she mumbled the last word to herself as she angrily hung up her phone.
"Justin’s not coming?" I asked, knowing the answer.
"I’m sorry-"
"I understand. I’d hate me, too. I’m a horrible person-"
"Stop, Hol! Don’t talk like that," JC ordered, taking my hand in his.
I tried to object, but I inwardly groaned when I realized my throat was on fire. My hand flew up to my throat.
"I told you not to talk," Hannah retorted. "Oh yeah!" she exclaimed suddenly. "Josh came by a couple of days ago. He stayed for a while, but you didn’t come out of your coma, so he wrote you a letter and left. He had to shoot a movie…couldn’t get out of it. The letter’s under that pink rose on the table, Jayce get it for her?" JC left my side and brought me the letter. "We’ll let you read in peace."
JC kissed my cheek. "We’ll be right outside if you need us."
I waited until they were out of the room before I carefully opened the plain, white envelope with my name in Josh’s writing on the front.
Dearest Holly,
This is killing me. I can’t stand seeing you in this room, lying so still, not responding to anything. I laid next to you, but you didn’t curl up into my arms. I kissed you nose, but you didn’t giggle and scrunch your nose up. You wouldn’t open your bright purple eyes, so I could see them sparkle when you laugh because I whispered a stupid joke in you ear. I ran my fingers through your hair, but you didn’t stare up into my eyes with a look of complete concentration, trying to figure out what I was thinking.
Well, I’ll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking how stupid I’ve been. This is all my fault! If I’d only kept calling, if I’d only come over, like I’d wanted to every waking moment since you left me on Justin’s porch. Then, maybe you wouldn’t be lying here, lifelessly.
I don’t know how I’ll ever show you this, but I am so sorry. I should’ve been there for you, but I let my pride get in the way. If I could go back in time, I would change all of this, but I know I can’t do that. I can only be here for you now. I know I'm not there right now, but I wish I could be. I need you to understand that. I need you to know that I love you more than anything in the world. If you asked me to give up my career right now to be with you, I would do it in an instant. I don’t know what I’d do if you don’t ever wake up. I’d never forgive myself, I know that much.
I’m sorry I can’t be there what you wake up. God please let her wake up. I need you to wake up.
I Love You,
Josh
A light knock on the door forced me to wipe the tears away and plaster a smile on my face.
"Hey Tyler!" Chris exclaimed, walking into the room, followed by Joey, Lance, and JC. Chris and Joey were carrying roses and they placed them on the table alongside the many other flowers. Lance carried nothing and refused to look me in the eye; he simply sat in a chair by the door, his arms crossed in front of his chest.
Chris, Joey, and JC stood around my bed, just staring at me.
Joey finally spoke up. "Hol, why would you do this?"
"A lot of things thrown together, that I'm sure JC, Lance, or Justin would be more than happy to tell you about." I glanced over at Lance to see him glaring at me.
"He seems really pissed," Chris whispered.
"You guys wanna give us some time alone?" The three nodded and left the room, closing the door behind them. Lance continued to sit in the chair, glaring at me. "I take it you’re still pissed, huh?"
"I'm really glad you’re awake, and that you’ll be ok. But I gotta look out for Justin."
"Lance, I'm so sorry I did what I did to Justin. Why do you think I'm lying in this hospital bed right now? But I can’t change what I did. I don’t want to lose you or Justin by getting involved with Josh."
"I know, but-"
"You five men, plus Josh, are the best things that have ever happened to me. I couldn’t stand losing any of you. And you don’t wanna see me lying like this again, knowing it was all your fault, would you?" I batted my eyelashes at him. He sighed and walked over to me, hugging me tightly.
"Sorry to interrupt," Hannah said, walking into the room slowly. "Holly, you got enough in ya to take a phone call?" I nodded, and Lance went out into the hallway while Hannah stood in the doorway.
I held Hannah’s phone up to my ear and asked, "Hello?"
"Hey babydoll," Josh’s deep voice rang through the phone.
I couldn’t help but smile at the way he spoke to me. "Josh!" I squealed. Lance, who was standing behind Hannah, flinched and walked away.
"I miss you!" Josh interrupted my thoughts. "You have no idea how ecstatic I was when Hannah called me just now."
"I got your letter. It made me cry." Tears formed once again as my eyes landed on the letter still lying on the bed.
"Oh, baby I didn’t mean to make you cry!" he said, panic obviously rising in his voice.
"No, it was a happy cry!" We both got quiet for a minute. "I wish you were here," I whispered, my voice quavering.
"I know, I wish I was there, too. We just have to wait three months, and we’ll be together again. And I want you to get better by the time I get back. Promise?"
"I promise."
"Ok, well I better go, we have to finish shooting for the day, but I’ll call you later tonight. I love you."
"I love you, too," I whispered, so as not to let him hear my shaking voice.
I hung up and fell back on the bed, immediately falling into a peaceful slumber, for the first time in a long time.
I changed positions a few times in the bed before realizing that something wasn't right. I opened my eyes and looked around me. It was dark in my room, the only light came through the little window on my closed door and from the moon, through my big bay window.
I glanced around, suddenly nervous. My eyes landed on a figure standing by the table near the window. I could tell by the silhouette of curly hair that it was Justin. I sat up and waited for him to notice me. He didn’t.
"What are you doing?" I spoke up.
He jumped and turned around, holding a chair in his grasp. "I didn’t know you were awake."
"You woke me up. What are you doing?"
"I was just moving this chair."
"Why?"
"It likes the window. See, it’s afraid of the dark, and the moonlight is perfect."
"What’s with the pillow and blanket?" I asked, motioning toward the things lying on the table.
"Well…uh…the blanket is…in case the chair gets cold. And the pillow is to…keep the blanket company!" He smiled, proud of his joke.
"Justin Randall-"
"Ok, ok." He pulled the chair up next to my bed and sat down. "Truth?"
"If you don’t mind."
"Well, ever since Hannah first called to tell me what had happened, I’ve been kicking myself. I was an ass. So, I got them to start going home at night, and I started coming up here and spending nights with you. I wanted to be here when you woke up. I needed to see you, I needed to tell you things, even if you didn’t respond, I knew you could hear me."
"What were you telling me?" I took his hand and ran my thumb over the top of it gently, soothingly.
"You’re my best friend, Hol; closer to me than any of the guys. All I want is for you to be happy. I know now that we weren’t happy, looking back on the last few months. If leaving me and being with Josh is what it’s gonna take to make you happy, then go, be with him. Don’t worry about me. Worry about you. I just hope that you’ve finally found the one for you. The perfect person for you. You deserve it." He smiled at me and kissed my hand gently.
"Just, I love you, you know that?"
"I love you, too."
"But I really think that Josh is the one for me. Really and truly. And even though you’ll always be in my heart, I’m gonna give Josh all of me. I can’t let it slip away."
"I know. And you deserve every ounce of happiness you get from being with him. This is gonna hurt, watching you being happy with someone else, but if you’re happy, then I’m alright."
"Is it all gonna be ok, Justin?" I asked, looking him in the eye. "Are we going to be ok?"
"It’s gonna take time. It’s not like either of us can get over this very quickly. We were together for a long time. But we can all get through this together." I smiled at him. "You look tired. I’m gonna go, and you get some sleep. Time to start getting better."
"Love ya, Just."
"Love ya, babe."
He closed the door quietly behind him and I closed my eyes. Everything was going to be ok. I just knew we could get over anything now.
