Working really had helped. I hadn't thought about my troubles until I realized that I didn’t need anymore sketches, and I didn’t have anything else to do. My meeting wasn't until Friday afternoon, and it was only Wednesday night!
I lay on the bed, facing the ceiling, trying to figure out how I should talk to Josh. Should I just go over there? Should I call him first? Should I just call his house and let them know I was coming over, but not tell Josh? Too many different scenarios.
I finally decided on calling. I slowly, deliberately dialed Josh’s cell phone.
It rang three times before someone actually picked up. A laugh, and then, "Hello?"
"Hey," I said quietly.
A pause. "Hello?" Josh asked again, sounding a bit upset.
"Hi," I said again, louder.
"Oh…" He almost sounded disappointed. "Hey! How’s it goin’?" Maybe it was all in my head.
"Great!" I lied.
"That’s good…so, what's up?" A lame attempt at conversation.
"Just work."
"Fun," he said with a hint of sarcasm.
"You know it. What are you up to?"
"Just taking a walk by the river. Where are you at? It was some hotel number of the ID."
"Yeah, I’m on a business trip."
"Where?" he asked again.
"St. Paul." I was trying to sound nonchalant, but it came out more as nervous.
He didn’t say anything for a second. "How long have you been here?"
"Since Sunday."
"And you didn’t call earlier?" He sounded genuinely hurt.
"I’ve been busy. Look, we need to-"
"Wait, Holly, hang on a sec." I sighed. "Em!" he yelled. "Em, wait up! Holly, I better go, she’s about to leave me. Bye!" He hung up.
I was speechless. Now what was I supposed to do?
"I really hope he’s still down here…" I mumbled to myself as I got out of my car and walked toward the river. Josh had a special spot there, so I knew if he was at the river still, then that’s where he would be. I was trembling. This had to work out.
I spotted him. He was sitting on "his" bench, his head in his hands. I took a few deep breaths and began walking toward him, head high, completely determined to end this.
"Are you ok?" I asked gently, coming up behind him.
At the same time, I heard voice and saw her standing in front of him. "What’s wrong?" Emily demanded.
"Nothing’s wrong," he said, suddenly cheerful. Emily glanced up at me, and Josh turned around. "What are you doing here?" He sounded frantic.
"You hung up on me, so I thought I’d come try to catch you here and talk, but I see you’re still busy." I turned to leave.
"Holly, wait!"
I didn’t turn around, but I stopped. "What?"
"You came all the way over here, so talk." I turned around. His arms were crossed in front of his chest, a surly look on his face.
"Well, not if you’re gonna be like that." I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. My three-quarter-sleeve sweater wasn't cutting it in the January cold.
"You look cold." He started to take off his coat. "Here-"
"I’m not cold," I said bitterly.
"Don’t lie. Just put this on."
"If you’re gonna tell anyone to put on the coat, tell her." I shot an evil look in Emily’s direction. She was dressed in a skirt and thin, tight top.
"She’s used to this weather, you’re not," he defended her. "Just-"
"I don’t want the fuckin’ coat. Jesus!" Tears welled up in my eyes. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. We were supposed to just sit and talk, but instead, she had to still be there.
"No…no, please don’t cry," Josh said quickly, trying to get closer to me.
"Don’t come any closer!" I yelled. "Just stay away from me, please." This time I whispered. "I can’t do this, I don’t want to hurt you anymore." I ran back to the car.
I was laying face down on the bed, still crying into my pillow the next day, when my cell rang. I glanced at the caller ID: Hartnett’s.
Screw that.
They finally gave up, but called again not five minutes later. I gave in.
"Hello?" I asked cruelly.
"Holly?" Jessica said softly.
"Oh, hey Jess. I thought you were gonna be Josh."
"He won’t leave his room, ya know? Yesterday, he wouldn’t get out of the car. He sat there for hours. He got home, and after a few minutes, Emily jumped out, slammed the door, and ran off," she explained. "He’d kill me if he knew I called you, but I really thought you should know. He keeps talking about how he hurt you, and how he hates himself. I think he’s even been crying. But that’s all I heard before he yelled at me to go away," she said sadly.
"Would it be ok if I came over?"
"I don’t know…I guess so, if you really want to."
"I need to. I’ll be there in a few minutes, but don’t tell Josh, ok?"
"Got it."
"And Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks. I’ll make sure he doesn’t kill you."
"Thanks Hol. I’ll see ya later." We hung up and I dashed out to my car.
This time I was gonna fix everything. I hoped. We were gonna talk everything out, and end what we both knew was a big mistake.
When I arrived at the Hartnett’s, I thought twice about my decision, then remembered what I had to do. I walked up to the door and knocked. Jessica answered immediately.
"He’s out back. He finally moved like five minutes ago. It was like a miracle. Come on." She took my hand and led me through the house to the back door. "Good luck," she whispered, as I opened the door.
I spotted him sitting on the porch, his head in his hands. "Thanks."
"What are you doing here?" Josh asked harshly, not even looking up from the ground.
"I came by to talk-"
"You had your chance."
"Don’t say that. I was scared."
"I tried to give you my coat!" he yelled, jumping out of the chair and walking toward me. "I didn’t want you to freeze, and you got scared?"
"It wasn't about the coat. Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to. I just wanted to talk things out, and then Emily was there, and I froze, I couldn’t do it."
"Why?" he asked, truly concerned.
I paused. Should I tell him about what Caleb told me? Should I tell him what almost happened between me and his best friend?
"Don’t even try to lie to me. We’ve heard our fair share of lies, and I don’t want to hear any of them from you, please." He knew.
"Caleb." He nodded his head. He knew something. "Well, I was at a coffee shop, and I was working, just working, and he stopped by, and he kinda…he kinda told me that you had been going out every night since you got back, and that you had plans with Emily, and I freaked."
"I promised you a long time ago that there was nothing left between Em and I-"
"Key words: A. Long. Time. Ago!"
"That doesn’t matter! My feelings haven't changed."
"What were you doing out with her today?"
"She insisted on hanging out with me."
"Have you really been going out every night?"
"What is this, 20 questions?!"
I shot him a look. "Maybe." He didn’t say anything. I guess he didn’t know everything that had happened, or else he would’ve called me on it. "This isn't going how I thought it would."
"’Cause there’s something you’re not telling me."
"What?!"
"C’mon…" he coaxed.
"Ok, there is something else." It had to be said; I couldn’t lie to him. "Uh, Caleb and I, we went out. Just to the movies. And then he walked me back to my hotel room," I cast my eyes downward. "I almost had sex with him." My voice was barely above a whisper.
"Holly, I told you not to lie to me," Josh said calmly.
"I’m not."
"Look me in the eye, and tell me that again."
I lifted my head up and looked into his dark brown eyes. "I almost slept with your best friend."
In that instant, his dark brown eyes that used to sparkle every time they glanced in my direction, were now filled with more pain than I could ever have imagined. The hurt in them was so apparent, so strong, that I had to look away again. What had I done?
"I’m sorry. I have to go." He didn’t say a word as I walked quickly back through the house, got in the car, and drove away.
