"Yeah…"
"Did you finally take my advice?"
"Yeah."
"Is that all you can say?"
"No." I sat on the stairs and looked up at Justin. "I think it’s over."
"How can it be over? Just like that?"
"Justin!"
"What?" I gave him a look. "Oh! You and me – yeah, ok, I got it." He sat down next to me. "So, what happened?"
"I told him everything. Just, you should’ve seen the hurt in his eyes. I wanted to just die right there. I hurt him so badly." I put my head on his shoulder and let a few tears roll down my cheek.
"I’m sorry, Sweetie. I wish I could help."
"Thanks." We were silent for a minute. "What am I gonna do without him?"
"Maybe you won’t have to be without him?"
"Right. Justin, you weren't there. You didn’t see his reaction. I doubt I’ll be hearing from him anytime soon."
"Why don’t you go home and rest?" Justin suggested. "We’ll watch Danny for a few more days."
"Are you sure?" I sniffled. "I don’t want to inconvenience-"
"It’s not an inconvenience. I promise. I think you need some time for yourself. Get yourself together."
I wasn't convinced, but I knew I needed to get myself together. I couldn’t take care of Danny if I was an emotional wreck. "Ok, I guess that’s fine. Thank you."
He held me tight for what seemed like an eternity. "It’s going to work out, I swear. It’ll be over soon." He kissed the top of my head and ran his hands through my hair.
"I love you, Justin."
"I love you, too."
When I got home, I didn’t bother going inside. I went straight out back and sat in the sand, sifting it through my fingers. I missed Josh already.
I wonder if he misses me, I thought. Don’t be stupid, Tyler! Did you not see the look on his face when you told him what happened?!
I didn’t hear anyone, but my thoughts were interrupted when someone sat next to me. I glanced over and saw Josh staring out at the ocean.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. I knew he was going to look at me, so I looked away, avoiding the inevitable eye contact, at least for the time being.
"I’ve been here since yesterday."
"That doesn’t answer my question."
"I know," he whispered.
We were silent. I started remembering things. I remembered the first time I ever saw him, the way the so obviously checked me out. I had done the same, only not so obviously. He had looked so damn good in his wifebeater and jeans. Then there was Christmas at my parents. The way we sat in complete silence on the beach, and he just held me-
"Do you remember Christmas at your parents house?" he asked out of the blue.
"You read my mind."
"Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up, it’s just-"
"That night was so wonderful. It was magical." I looked at him, and we locked eyes. "I think, even though I never would've admitted it then, I think that’s the night I fell in love with you."
"I fell in love that night, too."
"Josh, why did you come back here? I had convinced myself you weren't coming back, and I was going to make myself accept it. I hurt you so badly. Why are you messing with my head like this?" My eyes glistened with tears and a lump formed in my throat.
"I let you leave. How could I have done that?" I opened my mouth to speak, but he pressed his finger against my lips to silence me, and shook his head. "I know how. I had something to tell you, too, but I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to go through what I had just been through. I knew I could forgive you, but I was scared to death that you wouldn’t forgive me. I’m terrified, still. Just sitting here next to you terrifies me."
"You’re shaking," I stated.
"I’m scared."
"Just say it."
"I can’t."
I reached up and brushed some of the hair out of his face. "I love you. I don’t care what you did. No matter what, you can’t get rid of me. You’re stuck with me. Just tell me."
"It was horrible. I hate myself."
"Well, I don’t hate you, and that’s all that matters."
"Yeah…Emily and I-" I flinched when I heard her name. "I don’t want to hurt you." I nodded, encouraging him to go on. "We made out…I swear it didn’t go any farther than that! I dunno, it must’ve been like five, maybe ten minutes, and after that, I realized what was going on, and I hated myself-"
"Why’d you do it?" I asked, fighting back tears.
"I was confused. I had to test my feelings-"
"For me?! You had to test your feelings for me?!" I yelled.
"No! Never! I swear. I didn’t know what it was, but I thought I felt something for her, and I had to make sure I was wrong."
"Were you?"
"Of course I was!"
The fear on his face became more apparent as the tears started rolling down my cheeks. "I forgive you," I sniffled. "I really do, it’s just…my heart hurts. How could we do this to each other?" I was openly sobbing now.
He took me in his arms and held me tight against his chest. "It was just jealousy, just stupid, pointless jealousy. I’m so sorry."
"I’m sorry, too." I looked up at him. When some strands of hair fell into my eyes, he brushed them away. "I love you so much," I whispered. He leaned down and kissed me gently.
"Oh God. I missed you," he mumbled against my lips. I lay back on the sand, bringing him down with me. He pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. "You’re shaking," he murmured, tracing his finger down my cheek.
"I’m scared." I looked into his eyes and the sparkle was back. I smiled up at him.
"Of me?"
"Of losing you again."
"You won’t. You can’t get rid of me, no matter how hard you try." He leaned down and kissed me again. I forgot where I was. I didn’t really care anymore.
"I love him so much," I sighed into the phone.
"I know," Hannah replied.
"I only wish…I wish I was still pregnant. He was so excited, Han. We were ready. Everything was so perfect. God, I feel so…inadequate!" I threw myself onto the couch.
"But you’re not," she challenged. "You know there was nothing you, or anyone, could’ve done!"
"But all of this would've been avoided-"
"It would've been delayed. This was bound to happen sometime. You couldn’t have a perfect relationship forever, you know that." She paused. "So, is everything perfect again?"
"No." I wasn't ashamed, nor afraid, to admit it. "That’s gonna take a while. I think it’s like we’re starting all over again, because I don’t know him anymore, and he certainly doesn’t know me. The whole experience changed us." Josh came downstairs, and my attention shifted to him. "Hey, Han," I said, my eyes not leaving him. "I better go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye." I hung up and put the phone on the table. "Hey there, Baby. Have a nice nap?"
"The best." He yawned.
"Why are you so tired?" I asked as he lay down on the couch and put his head in my lap. I stroked his hair gently.
He closed his eyes. "Haven't been sleeping well lately."
"I’m sorry."
"Not your fault." He closed his eyes and started to drift off to sleep again.
"Yeah it is…"
"You said it, not me."
"Hey!" I smacked the side of his head and his eyes popped open. "That wasn't nice."
"*Muah* I love you."
"I’m so sure." I got up and walked away.
"Baby, where are you going?" He got off the couch and followed me outside.
"Where’s it look like I’m going?" I sat down on the bench swing I had recently bought and Josh sat next to me, taking my hand. "Josh?" I suddenly asked.
"Yep?"
"Before we separated, I noticed you were acting really distant, but I never knew why."
"It was stupid, I don’t even wanna-"
"But I need to know."
"Do you?"
"Yes! Maybe I can change-"
"No! I don’t want you to change. I love you just how you are."
"Were you upset?"
He knew what I was talking about. "Well, who wouldn’t have been? I was so excited, and then, all of a sudden, there was nothing to be excited about. We were gonna be a family."
"We still are," I objected.
"But it’s not the same. It won’t be until we can get back on our feet."
"Was that the reason you were distant?"
"Probably," he shrugged. "I’m not even sure why I acted like that."
"Did you think it was my fault."
"Never. The thought never crossed my mind," he said reassuringly.
"So, why were you distant?"
He looked into my eyes. "I was scared."
"Of?"
"God only knows. I guess, maybe after everything happened, I started having those feelings for Emily. And, uh…I was afraid you resented me."
"Resented you?" I asked. "Never."
"I thought maybe you were angry at me for not being here when you needed me. I was angry with myself for going off and leaving you."
"It wasn't your fault."
"But I felt like it was! I don’t understand why I didn’t just bring you with me, and then maybe it never-"
"It would've happened. You know you couldn’t have done anything! Believe me, Justin was there, Laura was there, and they couldn’t have done anything to stop it either."
“But I still felt bad,” he said stubbornly. We sat in silence, just swinging back and forth. “Pack,” he said suddenly.
“Excuse me?” I looked at him curiously.
“Pack! We’re gonna go away, just you and me. We’ll take Danny to your parents, and go to…Italy! I promised I’d take you there one day, right? Well, that day is here.”
“Italy?! Omigod!” I squealed and jumped into his arms. “Oh, just you and me,” I said dreamily. “I love you.” I kissed his cheek and ran inside to my room to start packing.
