That is how it looks on the surface but it just does not always work that way. Yes, they have shared tragedy, disaster, and grief, but these emotions do not necessarily create a tighter bond. Very often, instead of holding them together, the bond becomes so taut it snaps. In fact, some studies estimate that as high as 90 percent of all bereaved couples are in serious marital difficulty within months after the death of their child.

There are, of course, no universal answers as to why this should be the case because every marriage is its own unique entity. But studies have shown there are threads of similarity in certain problems faced by parents of dead children. And these studies have shown a common grief is not the best possible adhesive to cement a marriage. Perhaps the basic reason for this lies in the fantasylike concept people have of marriage. Our culture has given us to understand that when a couple marry, two people are joined and become one. In many aspects that may well be true, but that ideal often shatters with the death of a child.

Suddenly, and frighteningly, this couple, this two wedded into one, has a basic truth thrust upon it. Once again they are two. Each must bear his or her own pain and a mate cannot bear it for you. Nor can a mate shield you from it. The couple, unlike when they laughed together, vacationed together, shared downfalls together, suddenly finds at the time of the greatest tragedy in their lives ~ and at the time of their greatest need ~ that each is an individual. They must mourn as invididuals. Separately.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, in her book Dearly Beloved, said, "Grief cannot be shared. Everyone carries it alone, his own burden, his own way." She was correct. But for a couple to discover this after burying their child can be shattering. After all, in the back of each of their minds, they believed they could lean on each other as they mourned. But you cannot lean on something bent double from its own burden. What happens then is each parent finds himself on his own ~ and at what a time! Just when your expectations assured you that you would have all sorts of support from a mate, you discover he is just about the last person who can really help. Society has conditioned you to believe that you now would be one grieving pair. Instead you have become two bereaved people. The magnitude of having this rug of expectation yanked out from under destroys many marriages.

When couples have a sick child, they usually do well when it comes to trying to comfort and cushion and support each other as they go from crisis to crisis. Yet when that child dies you are suddenly forced to find yourselves with a whole new set of circumstances. There is no longer any possibility of positive thinking. You can no longer tell each other that maybe all will be well. Now you both are left empty and without hope. The awful vacuum of death takes you over.

Many couples that lose a child resent each other ~ when one is having an "up" day and the other is grieving that one resents being pulled back down by the grieving parent. You have to become more realistic in what you expect from each other. You can not expect your husband to be a tower of strength when his own grief is as great as yours. Just as he cannot expect you not to grieve in front of him even though it pulls him down. You can resolve it by setting aside a segment of time when you can bear your emotions to each other. This is a good time to turn to a friend for comfort instead of your spouse. After all the only thing that anyone can offer you during this time is a sympathetic ear. There is nothing concrete that anyone can do or say. That sympathetic ear need not necessarily be your mate's if he is resistant to your weeping. Your child is dead and no power can undue that. Whoever the listener is really makes no difference so long as there is sympathy.

In any number of families, a highly divisive problem resolves around whether or not to discuss the dead child. You see frequently ~ though by no means always ~ that it is the father more than the mother who tends to avoid these conversations. The reason for this avoidance primarily by men are as complex as the whole spectrum of repression of grief that fathers often undergo. The insistence in our culture that men suffer in silence when faced with disaster, although slowly changing is still very much evident during bereavement. I realize that this will be hard to do, but if you can continue to talk about your child it will help with the bereavement process. Your child did exist, if you don't talk about him or her it will seem like you have had to bury him twice. Talk about the living child that you shared your life with. If you talk about the dead child it will throw you both for a loop. I know that there are couples that are less fortunate, one mate decides it is too difficult, too painful to talk about the dead child. Any attempt by a spouse to bring up the subject is sometimes met with anger, hostility, slammed doors ~ anything to avoid the subject. Although moderation in this, as in all things is desirable, it is necessary for you to talk about your child. You are in a state of mourning. If you were in a lake you could not sidestep water. When you are grieving over the death of your offspring you cannot sidestep mentioning that child! You should remember your child. You cannot put him or her into a corner of your mind never again to see the light of day. He was real. She existed. To close this memory off as if he or she never had been can be one of the most destructive things a parent can do, a mate can do.

The other extreme can be equally destructive. There comes a time when it is also necessary to discipline your out-pourings of grief. To take hold of yourself. To stop crying incessantly. Not only can you cause unending pain to your spouse and surviving children, you will ultimately succeed in alienating everyone who makes up your life. If you see you are at opposite extremes over this basic issue of your grieving with your mate, try to reach an agreement. Set up a time period daily, for example, when you both know it is time to talk about the child and when you will be listened to without encountering a hostile reception. It may even get him or her to talk after a while. And mourn. Remember, though, when that time period is over, force yourself with iron determination to step away from the topic. IT CAN BE DONE. If you cannot reach a fair arrangement in this area, by all means seek outside help. You must learn to talk. Learning to talk applies to many different phases of keeping your marriage intact although grieving.

If there were things at the funeral you felt were wrong, even if done by your mate, do not harbor anger. Mention them. But gently. Explain that you feel that they were wrong in your opinion. Bring the issue out into the open and don't let it fester. As time goes on, the funeral diminishes in intensity and most often in importance if there is no lingering anger.

There are some areas of talking with each other ~ communicating ~ that are best left untouched, however, without the intervention of a third party. An elderly couple whose married daughter had died asked for help in dealing with a son-in-law, recently remarried, who forbade them to see their grandchildren. Here were two people who boardered on blaming each other for the difficulty with the man ~ and therefore the loss of their grandchildren ~ who were lucky enough to have a forum at which to present their problem (a bereaved parents group). A serious problem. After all, those youngsters were all they had left of their child. They interrupted each other with asperity while describing the situation. It seemed he felt the woman had mistreated the new wife. The woman was convinced he had been nasty to the son-in-law. Between them, their anger at being deprived of the grandchildren was almost tangible. But, instead of brooding alone with these negative thoughts, they threw the subject open to a group of about thirty bereaved parents.

Questions were thrown at the pair. "Did you get along with your son-in-law before?" "Have you hinted at resentment of the new wife?" "Have you made an extra effort to be nice to her?" "Have you tried to instill in your grandchildren that their own mother was a better person, more attractive, kinder?"

The grandparents answered honestly and with not a trace of the vindictiveness they displayed to one another. Suggestions were made including one by a woman whose married son had died. She offered to call the son-in-law and help straighten out the problem by confronting the man and asking what was wrong. Aside from this very concrete help, which was gratefully accepted, the meeting served another purpose. It became a defusing agent in an explosive situation. The couple had been holding each other responsible for yet another loss besides that of their daughter. In their fear of losing, and desperate need to hang onto, what was left of her ~ their grandchildren ~ they were experiencing some rather dreadful feelings about each other. "She doesn't act well to his new wife. She never makes an effort to call her. It's my wife's fault," the husband might have been thinking. "He's just changed toward our son-in-law. He's almost rude. They used to build things together. Now, nothing. It's my husband's fault," might have flashed through the bereaved mother's mind. But, in the group setting, questions were asked that were explicit about the relationship, yet kindly put by people with no stake other than to help two suffering human beings.

The discussion held before strangers who were nonaccusatory removed the tension that is frequently created when someone feels defensive. No one was pointing the finger of blame. Further, the group environment in this situation forced the two people to keep an open mind. It is rare that open animosity between husband and wife is expressed in these meetings. Instead, because others are present, sympathetic others, parents tend to keep a rein on their angers and generally tend to absorb whatever help is offered. While people certainly cry at these meetings they generally do not turn on one another and hurl hurtful comments at one another. Good manners usually prevent this from happening. And that is all to the good. If two people are not busy yelling, it is possible they will be able to hear something consrtuctive.

Sometimes the spouse turns on each other and blames the other spouse for their child's child death. "Why weren't you more careful!" "Why did you let her take the car? Date that boy?" "Why didn't you call the doctor?" This blaming over the cause of death may appear ludicrous ~ the spouse is after all making what is synonymous to an accusation of the murder of their child to a vulnerable, susceptible mother or father. Just the mere hint of such a thing to grieving mates could be enough to make them believe they were indeed responsible for the death of their child. If in the back of the mind there is the least shred of doubt about personal judgment or responsibility, a question could be planted that would not be undone in a lifetime. The reason, often, for this vindictive finger pointing is the need to answer the basic question, why did their child die, and that question has never been answered since the beginning of time. If you have the slightest inclination to blame your spouse, or if you personally feel responsible, seek immediate help for yourself and your marriage. Because once that blame sets in, unless there is direct intervention, the marriage is nearly always beyond saving. If a father is "convinced" his wife is responsible for the death of his beloved son, for example, the idea of maintaining a fulfilling and satisfying marriage is laughable. If help is not sought and the problem not resolved, all hope of a meaningful life is nearly gone for both the blamed and the blamer.

One of the saddest couples I have seen were victims of this dreadful problem. Their young child died five years ago, when he ran in front of a car and was killed instantly. This husband, always an overprotective father, has never creased blaming his wife for her "carelessness" while watching over their son. The wife was easily made to feel responsible for the death. Easily made to feel a murderer. Her defenses were down anyhow because of the death of her child. The wife, who had been rather a relaxed mother, left her child outside while she went to turn something off on the stove. She came back outside and her son was dead. Before the tradegy, the couple had disagreed about how careful is too careful and how careful is not careful enough. Afterward, of course, it appeared the decision had been made. The child was dead. She had been wrong. She was responsible. The two did not divorce. Instead, they live a nightmare. A hell. He, hating and physically ill. She, mentally ill. Oh, not bad enough to be hospitalized ~ she can still cook and clean ~ but bad enough to have retreated from society and her surviving children. They never discuss their son or his death or anything else for that matter. All that is left is the residue of vindictiveness that hangs over their house like a layer of smoke.

Remember, a couple who can share a wordless experience, even a sad one, cannot really be called luckless, because they are not alone. Although this communication is very special, not all couples can withstand the most unnatural pressures under which they find themselves. If they do divorce and, tragically, many bereaved couples do, they still may be able to offer reinforcement to each other. Sometimes the bitterness of the separation is insurmountable, and everything shared, including a common grief, is gashed. Sometimes, however, the bitterness that caused the divorce dissolves once their marriage is over, and the two people, no longer bound by wedlock, are better able to help each other.

One former couple, of the bereaved parents group, each member now married a second time, is having great adjustment difficulties. She is a divorced bereaved mother who bears her new husband great ill will on occasion because "he just can't understand how I feel." Such couples must learn that in order to have a workable marriage they have to come to grips with this bereavement problem. I cannot strongly enough urge counseling in such situations. It is imperative that death not be overrun enough to destroy a second union for such a bereaved mother.

There are couples who, alongside the terrible grief they suffer, also are confronted with vast medical bills from their child's terminal illness, bills which may never be paid in a lifetime. Bill collectors dun them. Frequently, they are in debt to friends and family. There is no money for clothing, barely enough for food, certainly precious little for "luxuries" like a movie to help relieve their grieving. In fact, the only prospects such people see are negative prospects. One man, a factory worker who prided himself on never missing a day on the job, came to the end of what he could handle because of the money problems involved in his child's illness and the burial expenses. He was so overwhelmed by the magnitude of never-ceasing hostile phone calls from people demanding money that he quit his job and left his family. They have not seen him in months. Meanwhile the phone calls go on. Only now, his wife bears the full brunt of them alone. Money problems in our society are never nice. They are even worse when trying to fight your way up after burying a child. Solutions are often hard to come by. Linda recalls a time in Jenny's life when they had no hospital insurance. The bills were astronomical and they didn't know what they were going to do. By the time Jenny got out of the hospital the bill totaled nearly fifteen thousand dollars. What they ended up doing was turning to the service of a money management counselor who worked out a payment schedule with which they were able to live. The counselor called their creditors, explained the problem, and established a plan that stopped the dunning calls.

There are other people, who, although wishing to be honorable about discharging their debts, find their only solution is filing bankruptcy or making reduced settlements with creditors.

When a couple find themselves in the financial muddle that only vast medical bills can bring, it is essential to seek some professional guidance. Unless someone who can take an overview of the entire money situation hauls you up short, you will find yourself merely putting your finger in a weekend dam. You will pay whoever calls the most and yells the loudest without any reason or logic. Then you will find yourself getting angry letters and calls from someone who popped into the place of last month's most angry person. It is not impossible to fulfill your financial obligations if you are working. It may take years, but with the aid of a marriage counselor, money manager, lawyer, or financial sophisticated friend, it can be done. If you are in such difficulty, find help.

Another source of severe crisis in the marriage of a bereaved couple is the extramarital solace partners sometimes seek. Parents take this step into a fantasy life in order to escape into a world not crowded with their real-life tragedy. One woman suffered dreadfully when her daughter died. She could not find a place for herself at home. She found her husband constantly hostile when she tried to talk about her grief. She would be infuriated, in turn, when he would grieve. They had no other children. Finally, in desperation, she got a job and wound up having an affair with a co-worker. To her, that relationship felt fresh and clean and unmarred by tragedy. At least that is how it seemed. But, she confided, of all solutions in her need to escape, she had picked the worst one. She found herself not only saddled with her grieving and her husband's grieving, but now she had something brand-new to cause anguish ~ a guilty conscience. Her pain became so great that she sought counseling. She went alone at first until she had worked out the problem of her extramarital affair, which she ended. She did not wish to further agonize her husband by letting him know she had been unfaithful. When that was resolved, at least to the point where she could live with it, she insisted her husband come for help with her. He did, and the two, from what she says, have slowly begun to rebuild their life together. With a new start, something fresh and good has been allowed into their marriage.

Be kind to yourself. Do not set yourself up for further grief, further sorrow. You, of all people, do not need anything more to regret. In fact, you need more things to bring pleasure back into your lives; things although small that lighten the burden and allow fresh air to enter a home stale from weeping. There is an old expression that originated in the deep south. It could well be a recipe for pleasure at this most important time for you.

"Do not let the seeds spoil your enjoyment of the watermelon; just spit them out!"

Although this is not easy to accept, to do, it is critical. There is absolutely no point in denying yourself some of the good things in life that can still be enjoyed as a couple ~ things like sex and socializing. Your enjoyment of these can only help ease the pain, and that is highly desirable. You must believe relief is necessary because it is. You must not continue to exist together in a swamp, and until you are willing to allow some joy to enter your lives that is just what you are doing. It is not uncommon for a wife to refuse sex because the idea of a pleasurable experience has become repugnant. One woman, now divorced, still cannot forgive her ex-husband for wanting to indulge in sex within a week after their daughter died. "How could he outright seek sexual satisfaction with our little girl just dead?" the woman asks indignantly. Her husband, tired of being made to feel like a lustful brute totally lacking in sensitivity, finally gave up trying to explain that for him sex was a release, a way of renewing himself. "We reached an impasse that I am sure can never be breached," he said. "I know she will enjoy sex with another man, but not with the father of her dead child."

Another couple made it past this most sensitive and common problem and are quite proud that it was done without outside help. Although they maintain that, had it been needed, they certainly would have sought a third party, they believe finding their own solution added another and positive dimension to their marriage. After their child died of cancer, the woman simply froze. It was not a problem of enjoying a pleasurable experience. Instead, it went much deeper. In her mind, it was sex that originally brought their little boy into the world and by so doing exposed them to the agony they now suffered in their bereavement. She is quick to explain it was not a fear of pregnancy. She just did not want to go back to where it all began. Her husband became more and more frustrated as weeks went by. Finally, in a burst of anger he told her they would either have sex together or he would have it with somebody else! She saw he was not joking and it acted like a glass of cold water thrown into her face. The idea of her husband going outside their marriage for sex appalled her and she began to cry, saying she simply could not have relations with him because she would be unable to respond. He held her in his arms and begged her to try. He said he knew their child was dead and he was horrified. But he was alive. He had needs. He told her they would try slowly to rebuild their shattered sex life. He would not expect her to respond at first. Just to be there. Maybe gradually one day her feeling would come back. He was convinced ~ and he succeeded in convincing her ~ that without participation there would be no hope of her feelings returning. It was a chance they had to take in order to save their marriage. Somewhat fearfully, she went to bed with him and slowly in easy stages her responsiveness returned. She was able to wipe away the dreadful idea that sex should be denied because her son's death began with this conception. Most couples are not that fortunate or well attuned to each other. Since sex is a basic drive, the problem of denying sex must be resolved. If you cannot work it out alone, seek counseling and do not delay.

Many couples have problems socializing after the death of a child. In most families one of the partners ~ not both ~ takes a "we must not enjoy ourselves" approach.

One young couple nearly lost that certain "magic" between them ~ a magic that is strong enough to be visibly evident ~ over the issue of socializing. Their son had died at the age of four months following a bout of pneumonia. The husband, an appliance salesman, would go off to work in the morning leaving his wife to send their other child, a four-year-old daughter, to nursery school. She then spent the rest of the day wandering their apartment alone. "My wife would be crying when I left and still crying when I came home," he said. "Well, I was sad too. But I still had a job to do, and when I got to work customers would come in and I ended up becoming absorbed and getting through the day one way or another. "I would get home. There she would be, crying. It was like physically pulling me down every single day of the week. If I told her an amusing incident, she would look at me as if I were nuts for being able to go through a normal day." "I began dreading coming home." "One day, I decided this was going to stop. I was on the expressway, driving, and the idea of going home tied my stomach in knots. But I went anyhow and when I got there I insisted she get a sitter and we went to the movies. It was the first time we were out in three months. I made the mistake of laughing out loud at an amusing part of the cartoon and she jumped out of her seat, ran up the aisle, and waited for me in the lobby with tears streaming down her eyes." The husband, obviously still uncomfortable at the remembrance, thumped one fist into his open hand when he told me the two stood there and argued in full voice in the theatre lobby. "She started yelling at me and asking how I could be out in public laughing. Ricky was dead. What was wrong with me?"

"Well, I was embarrassed and furious. I am not sure which was worse. I loved that little kid too. I told her there was nothing wrong with laughing and going out. It meant no disrespect to our son's memory if we enjoyed ourselves. I also warned her I would leave unless she came to grips with this. I was scared when I said it but I meant it. I just could not go on the way we were." As he related the incident, his wife sat there, her hand in his, tears running down her cheeks but with a small smile on her face. "He was absolutely right, you know. I had been giving in to my grief and not trying to handle it. I love him, and his threat to leave was the shock I needed to see where we were heading. I began to understand what harm I was doing to our marriage by not wanting to try to do anything but grieve. Although we still have problems and I certainly still cry, I also know he cries too even if it is inward. I guess that is what I needed to be sure of. I can have fun with him now and not resent his enjoyment because I remember he cries inside too. "Ricky has been dead a year, and since that flare up our marriage has been stronger than ever."

Dealing, really dealing, with day-to-day problems is a special burden bereaved parents share ~ especially those whose child has died of a lingering illness. Generally, in such circumstances, all the normal everyday frustrations that one mate feels toward the other are rarely voiced. It seemed ridiculous ~ and still does ~ that during a concentrated period of worry about your child trivia such as "Why don't you hang up your pants?" or "Why was dinner late again?" could even be discussed. Yet this very absence of the airing of annoyances helped erode the foundation of their marriage. According to many psychiatric personnel, they were not unusual in this problem.

Most couples who have dealt with a sick child usually thinks that because they were there to fight for their child's life, wait in hospital corridors together, attend their child's funeral together, certainly they would be able to handle the day-to-day problems easily enough. That is not the case. Usually they make a big mistake by ignoring and overlooking ordinary irritants. Instead of discussing them and correcting them, anger-causing situations were allowed to accumulate. These couples find that all they are doing in shoving their problems under a rug...like you would if you kept sweeping dirt under the carpet...if allowed to accumulate you end up with a mountain of garbage instead of a small pile of trash. You should have a pact that any problem that arises will be discussed. If you cannot discuss it right at that time, tell your spouse and discuss it the next day after you have calmed down. Knowing that you will keep your word allows the other spouse to take any pressure off you to discuss the issue at the moment of its hottest impact. Sometimes that daylong breather is essential in putting that matter into its proper perspective.

Just sharing a home demands perspective too for many fathers. It seems there are two sets of reactions to "home" for many bereaved fathers. Either they do not want to go out to work or they do not want to come home. They dread it. One man, the owner of a carpet company, said his greatest battle in normalizing his life after his son died was the effort it took him to leave his house every morning. "Somehow, it became my haven. The world seemed unfriendly, cold and uncaring. Leaving my house was my daily fight," he said. His wife, a kind, sensitive, and practical woman, had created such a serene atmosphere despite her own grief, that her husband was really afraid to leave the cushioned aura of home. In order to help, she offered to go to his business with him on a part-time basis, thereby allowing him to take a part of "home" with him. Gradually, he was able to make it on his own.

Other fathers had the reverse problem. Their homes had become the symbol of death, pain, and mourning. A number of men said they used almost any excuse to stay late at the store or office. Others develped a new pattern ~ going out for a drink with the "boys" after work. Home to them meant hurt, not haven. This response, of course, cannot help but create great animosity on the part of the wife. If they are not able to come to terms that are fair to both parties, this staying away from home will lead to gradual alienation and, frequently, to separation and divorce.

When a child dies, there are some people who change completely the patterns of their lives. They resort to younger looks, change jobs, change friends ~ in short, change everything. There are others who become more firmly entrenched in the patterns they have already established. One such woman had always been a good housekeeper. Windows washed, stove clean, refrigerator sparkling. Her home was neat but not uncomfortably so. Then her child died. She became so obsessed with cleaning that she would go into a rage if she discovered a fingerprint on the refrigerator. It was impossible to flick cigarette ashes twice into an ashtray without her jumping up to empty it. As she leaned farther and father to one extreme, her husband, who had never been great about doing household repairs, got worse. Washers were not replaced. Faucets dripped. Windows needed caulking. While the wife was capable of making most of these repairs, she was extremely hostile because her husband refused to do them. Plainly, the two were at loggerheads and heading for real difficulty. A friend, seeing how bad the situation had become, insisted they see a social worker, which they agreed to do. The worker helped them reach a solution where their lives are now more comfortable. The wife has gotten a part-time job in the evenings. After taking care of her children, preparing dinner, and going off to work for three hours nightly, she no longer has the energy necessary to scrub already spotless counters. Everyone is more comfortable at home now. As part of this agreement, her husband became the baby sitter while his wife worked. His job began with doing the dinner dishes and ended with getting the children off to bed. As the parent remaining at home, he too became annoyed with dripping faucets and drafty windows. He had never really paid attention to them before. He began making the necessary repairs and developed a sense of pride in doing them. This couple has found a positive future for their marriage because an outsider was able to see the problems and their solutions far more easily than they themselves could have done.

While fathers with dead children have the difficult burden of still providing financially for their families even while they grieve, wives, too, have their own set of woes as they try to run their homes.

One mother had a difficult time the first time she went to the grocery store. Every item on each shelf reminded her of her dead daughter. Kelly either liked the food or hated it. After that first time at the grocery store the mother refused to go again. She would have neighbors pick up milk for her and she would order out for dinner. Her other children complained that they were tired of going to the refrigerator and cubboards and not finding any food. They wanted food and meals and snacks. The woman felt so guilty that she called a relative and asked her to go to the grocery store with her while she did her marketing. That second time, as in most steps towards coping with bereavement, was not as hard as the first shopping experience. During this period her husband never exercised his right as her partner to object to the way she was running ~ or not running ~ the house. Because he understood how great her pain was, he made no demands on her and a situation was allowed to go on that should have been halted weeks before her children made it an issue.

One couple had become quite divided over the issue of religion. Even though they were of the same faith, the husband had turned away completely from religion. She had gone deeper than ever into it. She attends mass daily and frequently prays for her daughter's soul at home. She never outwardly mourns. I was an uncomfortable observer to one of their quarrels over the issue. "Now that Pammy is with God how can I be sad? it is the most glorious thing that can happen. I only thank Him for taking her so young, before she came to know the pain of this world," said the wife. Her husband sat, squirming, as his wife expressed herself. "Damn it," he yelled. "I am getting sick and tired of hearing how great it is that she is dead. It is not great. It stinks. She was beautiful. She was smart. She was my daughter and I will never be thankful she is dead. What is wrong with you?" The mother arose with a superior and knowing smile on her face and simply left the room. "This is what always happens," said the husband. "She gets up with a smart-aleck look on her face and leaves the room. How can she be grateful, grateful that Pammy is dead?" I did not know how to respond to his anger or pain. One thing was evident, the two were working at cross-purposes while trying to achieve a common goal ~ some peace. It was also evident the pair needed to let some fresh air into their relationship in order to create open-mindedness. Eventually and by much good fortune, the parish priest came to visit the couple. He had never before met the husband. An intuitive man, he saw how they pulled at each other and the ugly antagonism that resulted. He invited the husband to visit him in the parish office just to talk ~ "no strings attached." The husband, seeing the priest was not one to strew every sentence with "God will provide" and "God will make everything all right," responded. The man told me he and the priest have become friendly. Although the husband will never be as religious as his wife, he no longer tries to undermine her main source of comfort. The wife, too, has mellowed. The priest has cautioned her about using God as an abrasive force rather than a healing one.

When your child dies I think it is imperative for every couple to become active in a bereaved parents group. They are located throughout the United States. When you attend a meeting you will feel more comfortable and at home than at any other place. You will be with others that have experienced what you have ~ they have lost a child. They are there for support, not only for themselves ~ but for you too. When you join a group they discuss things that have happened in their lives. You will find that many of those situations are things that you have encountered since losing your child ~ you are not alone in this world. There are many that have gone through the many things that you have endured. It is a time for healing. Those couples know where the chuckholes really lie ~ they help you to get through them. If your children are old enough, by all means include them.

As a bereaved parent-mate, there are certain positive steps that you can take ~ indeed, you must take. You have already lost enough without forfeiting your marriage. Use reason, not vindictiveness. Remember, you loved your spouse enough to marry. Be gentle and do not blame your mate for what you were powerless to prevent ~ your child's death. For many couples, joining in some mutually agreeable social/betterment project has filled at least in part that void created by the death of a child. The project need not necessarily be related to the problem that caused your child's death. There are many community service organizations that need volunteers. Try to find one together. A joint interest in something can be very gratifying and can open new areas in our relationship. Do not presume that you have all the answers to solving marital problems when you have a dead child. Normally it is hard enough to be objective. Nearly all your vision can leave after undergoing such a tragedy. You cannot evaluate a problem clearly when you cannot see.

Be kind to yourselves to recognize you badly need a third party to talk with even if you do not recognize stress in your relationship. It is there. Most cities have social service agencies with qualified people who will listen. Along with the major disease-oriented organizations such as the Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and Cancer Foundation groups, there are any number of helping places available at little or no cost. Most communities list their social services departments in the telephone directory. Help can also be gotten by calling many psychiatric departments in hospitals ~ particularly children's hospitals. Your church or synagogue can also assist you in finding people who will help. Many areas have information centers that can direct you to someone or someplace for help. Frequently the National Association for Mental Health can guide you. Ask for it by the name of your state ~ New York, Ohio, South Carolina, Kansas, California Asociation for Mental Health. While some places can help more effectively than others, you will have made a positive beginning.

Do not forget that life goes on and with it come day-to-day problems. Do not sweep them under the rug. Do not fear your mate's anger. Tell him to stop avoiding coming home at night. Tell her you expect dinner to be prepared. If you do not take these basic concrete steps you will find yourself walking on separate sides of the river of grief with no bridge upon which to meet.

Above all and beyond all, remember everyone must carry his own mourning. It is something that cannot be shared. Do not make demands of comfort from your mate when he is feeling the same pain you feel. Recognize that she would help if she could. You must content yourself with this if you wish your marriage to survive.

Value that marriage. You have lost enough.

Before you leave please sign Our Angels' guestbook so that we will know that you have been here :~)

7 Angels Have Come Here . . . 6 Angels Have Gone Home

Our Angels Lil' Bit of Heaven Guestbook

All graphics on this page were created by *Our Angels*
DO NOT under any circumstances take them.
Thank You!!!

**I do not endorse or have anything to do with the banners that
are placed on this page by Angelfire.
~ Lyn ~