I know what you're thinking. And yes, yes I am. I AM the person who played "Cousin It" in those zaney Adams' Family Movies. Also, I'm an over-sized telepathic amoeba from the planet Zlarg. See watch, now you're thinking, "Voot! You sure are flesh for an amoeba!" Thank you, but in fact, that couldn't be farther from the truth. Roughly eight zargillion years ago (when I was still just a couple of writhing cells in my mother's intestinal track), I decided what I was going to do with my life. I wanted to have hair, and lots of it. I wanted it here, I wanted it there, oh, I WANTED HAIR. But alas, my poor amoebic existance did not permit such folical fancy. But I knew what I had to do. I had to find a way to amoeb my way to Earth where hair appears in mass quantities on the heads, faces, chests, backs, ears, toenails, falangies, tails, beaks, and teeth of its inhabitants. I overheard some big amoebas talking about going to Earth to inhabit some more farmers. So I joined the crew. On the way there, I asked Orin, the odious amoeba, why they always inhabited humans. "You wouldn't believe what we find in there!" Orin amoebed. "Last time we found three cats, 2 and 1/2 squirrels, and five John Deer roto-tillers in one farmer alone!" I looked at him, blinked twice, and amoebed the zarg of there. When we got there, I snuck out of the ship with the stealth of a really, really, stealthy amoeba. Next, I had to locate the nearest Bar and Fleshatorium to purchase a human coat. I was in luck; there was a Big K not a falangies' throw away. Once there, I proceeded to the clearance bin of the skin section. All they had was a Cher, but it was good enough, so I took it. I marinated it in Rogain overnight so it would be nice and hairy. And believe me, it was. It was so hairy, in fact, that I couldn't see a thing. And it made my voice all weirdy and high-pitched. My voice was so weirdy that when the people from the Adams' Family movie came around to audition drunken homeless people for the cast, I immediately got a part. I was in all five of the movies, and even one with Bill Cosby called "Leonard VI." I was the talk of the town. But then, I messed up. I accidentally ate Bill Cosby and a couple of yaks after a night of drinking with my Hollywood friend, McCaully Caulkin. But the UN wouldn't hear of this. They charged me with the unspeakable war crime of eating a pudding salesman. So they stripped me of all but 7-10 inches of my hair and banished me to the most God-forsaken high school in all the land. Now I live my days ridding GlenOak of pudding.
Written by Joseph Earl Linnell. Approved by Jen Mohler.
