Hi, I'm Maria and I play Titania in William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's
Dream. On November 4, 1980, I was born in Cuba to father Fidel and mother
Frank. We were a very poor Cuban family.
At the age of 6, I got my first job as an entertainer. I would stand on a street corner
placing spoonful after spoonful of cereal in my eyes for a nickel a pop. Two glass
eyes and twenty years later, we were millionaires.
My family and I would tour all the big Haciendas in Cuba. Even my parents got in
on the show. We would open with my mom eating fire. Dad always followed that
with the disappearing pants trick. It was really embarrassing. Then it happened.
I didn't know it at the time, but the famous American movie star, Steve Gutenburg,
was in the audience. He was spellbound by my spooning technique and said he
would take me to America that night. There was just one problem, though:
customs. Luckily, he had bought some high quality cocaine from
my dad before the show. Employing his quick thinking skills, he learned amid the
zany antics on the set of "Police Academy 9: Killing Canada," he quickly shoved me
in the bag. "Anything to claim, Mr. Gutenburg?" asked Customs.
"Only this cocaine," quipped Steve.
"Oh, well right you are then. On your way." Customs concluded. It's a well known
fact that celebrities are legally permitted to smuggle any foreign substance into
America. See Whitney Houston.
I finally made it. I was in America. When we got to his place, I was greeted with a
less than warm welcome. His mom was getting all indignant on him for bringing me
home without asking. "Can I keep it, mom? PLEASE?" Stephen Francis Gutenburg
begged."
"No!" she replied. "First, it was a Mexican, then Vanilla Ice, I will not allow this,
Stephen Francis!" she bellowed.
"Aw, shucks, maw. Shucks." Steve whined. His mom said that as his punishment,
he had to ship me off to the most God-forsaken high school in America AND do
another Police Academy movie. "But High Tower is dead! We can't!"
"You'll just have to find a replacement then. People don't notice that sort of thing,"
she responded. Well, that pretty much brings you up to speed (no, not that
kind, dad!) See you at the theater!
Written by Joseph Earl Linnell. Approved by Maria Martuccio.
