Golf balls are designed with dimples
to make them fly farther.
The way I
figure, with this many cellulite dimples
on my ass,
I could have been to the
moon and back by now.
An elderly couple, Ray and Dolores, are "snowbirds" in California. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He saunters into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Dolores looks him over and says, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks backinto the room, completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Dolores looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday , it'll be hanging down again tomorrow. "
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, DOLORES?? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS !!!!!"
Dolores replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
A man walked into a quiet bar.
He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm.
He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks
and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.
The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask
people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the
ducks.
They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks
had to go to the restroom.
He left the ducks there on the bar.
The bartender was alone with the ducks.
There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.
The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little
conversation.
"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What
else could a duck want?", said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck,
"Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles
all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same
again!', said the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"
"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day
I've had!"
Too much of a good thing........
The preachers wife was expecting a baby, so he went to the
Congregation and asked for a raise in salary.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his salary.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God,"
he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in
her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when
we get too much of it, we wear rubbers..."
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's
house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What are you doing? she asked.
I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, the daughter-in-law answered.
But you're naked! the mother-in-law exclaimed.
This is my love dress, the daughter-in-law explained.
Love dress? But you're naked!
My husband loves me wearing this dress, she explained. It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
Put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on
a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.He walked in and saw her laying
there So provocatively. What are you doing? he asked.
This is my love dress, she whispered, sensually.
Needs ironing, he said. What's for dinner?
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking
buddies.. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as
quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants,
and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a
nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of
Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each
place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and
stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and
his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk
again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but,
mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
The Whorehouse Doors!
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he
stepped inside.
There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty
bare hallway, with two doors reading,
Over 35 and Under 35.
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, Over 35.
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read,
Over 8 inches and Under 8 inches.
Truthful again, he went through the Under 8 inches door and found
himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, Once a night
and Over 4 times a night.
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked Once a night
and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is:
Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed.
Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.
He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.
Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Ummm, Okaaaaay?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Hmmm....)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? But still not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, and can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Imagine what their breath must smell like?)
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