Signs That You Are A Liberal

You know you're a liberal if...

• You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common, and Paula Jones is lying.

• You hate Hillary jokes.

• You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

• You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize, and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

• You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions, but "Platoon," "Dances with Wolves," and "Thelma and Louise" are realistic.

• You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy pie until it made "Pocahontas."

• You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution, and multi-culturalism are values-neutral.

• You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).

• You want to legalize cocaine but outlaw handguns.

• You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.

• You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals, while the American Civil Liberties Union protests the innocent.

• You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.

• Jesse Jackson makes sense to you.

• Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.

• You think Janet Reno is totally hot.

• You believe corporate profits are obscene, but government spending is too low and the American people are under taxed.

• You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.

• You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism and spouse abuse aren't.

• You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

• You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of Affirmative Action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant “fundamentalism” are guardians of democracy.

• You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

• You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.

• You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice, but fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.

• You don't understand all the whining about Affirmative Action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.

• You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf War was unnecessary, but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.

• In your wedding vows, the "love, honor, and cherish" part was replaced with "legitimize, empower, and respect her reproductive freedom."

• You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse, but you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter century.

• You support Al Gore for President in 2000, but have no idea why.

• You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming, but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.

• You think marriage is obsolete...except for homosexuals.

• Instead of Cowboys and Indians, your children play "Barbaric Imperialists and Innocent Native Americans".