(RepublicanChick's comments are in RED)
Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (I am sure that's not all that has went on in that chair, Bill!)
I answered their questions truthfully (That is HIGHLY doubtful!) including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions (But you never really TOOK responsibility for your actions.) both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. (I don't think so. You are speaking tonight to make YOURSELF look better. Everything you do has some selfish motive!)
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate (No Bildoe, they were flat out lies!!!) I did not volunteer information.
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. (As well as completely disgusting and inappropriate! Shame on you!!) It constituted a critical lapse in judgment (Boy that is an understatment...) and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. (Yes you are responsible! But later on in your speech you seem to cower away from any responsiblity...)
But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie (GOSH DARNIT BILL! You're lying right now!) to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. (That sure is a tall tale! You DID do all of those things, and it wasn't your first time either.)
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. (No, the impression that we always had of you was true - that you are a LIAR!) I misled people, including even my wife. (Awwww, poor Hillary! Not quite...) I deeply regret that. (I'm sure you weren't regretting it while you were doing it, and I bet you'd do it again if you had the chance.)
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. (The brain in my pants, my hormones, the power I have over women because I am the President...) First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (Yup, you are at least being honest there!)
I was also very concerned about protecting my family. (I honestly don't think you care about your family that much...) The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago - dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago. (And if you believe that, you are pretty dumb! You were guilty then and you are guilty now.)
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. (No, YOU have hurt too many people - not your investigation.)
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most - my wife and our daughter (Sorry buddy, but when you are President of the United States, what you do on the job is the business of the whole American population!) - and our God. (OUR God? What the heck does that mean?!) I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. (SO RESIGN ALREADY!!!)
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It’s nobody’s business but ours. (No, that is not true. When you are the President, your private life becomes public. And you cheated all of the American public by your actions. YOU made it everyone in the world's business when you did it buddy, and now you have to live with it.)
Even presidents have private lives. (Not when you are doing "private" things in the house of the people!) It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life. (Quit blaming us for being insensitive to your privacy. It's your bed, and YOU have to lie in it. Wait, no, I don't mean it that way exactly - in your case you might get ideas...)
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, (Which is, again, YOUR fault!) and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do. (No, you can do a little more and never show your face in our country again...)
Now it is time - in fact, it is past time - to move on. (Get it on? Oh! You said *move* on...my bad...)
We have important work to do – real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face. (Quit changing the subject...)
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, (What's done is done, and maybe I don't feel like turning away. Things aren't that simple.) to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century. (Blah, blah, blah...it's all meaningless fluff...)
Thank you for watching. (No prob, slimeball.) And good night.
From http://www.historyplace.com/speeches/previous.htm