12 Days of X-Mas

From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
To: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: Thanks
Date: December 12, 20__

Just a note to let you know that the silk plants are appreciated, but why did you have pears twist tied to the branches?
How's the weather?

W.S.S.

From: mulder@yahoo.com
To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: Re: Thanks
Date: December 12, 20__

Walter:
Sometimes you have to improvise.
Did you know that it rains in Mississippi in the winter?  Beats hell out of snow, but the mud is nasty.
Real report tomorrow.

Mulder

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: still improvising?
Date: December 13, 20__

Received your report.  Ghosts, Mulder?  Sounds more like Klan or Nationalist activity to me.
By the way, I read your report over lunch-Cornish game hen and a box of pecan/caramel chocolates.  Kim swears she had nothing to do with it.
What are you up to, Mulder?

W.S.S.

P.S.: Stay out of the rain, you'll catch cold.

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: still improvising?
Date: December 13, 20__

You wrote:
>stay out of the rain, you'll catch cold.
Thanks, mom.
Scully already has a cold.  We are looking into a possible Klan connection, but that doesn't explain what our witness saw.
Not sure how much longer this is going to take-depends on this lead.
Room service food sucks only slightly less than this bed.

Mulder
 

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: KFC
Date: December 14, 20__

I know that there is a logical explanation for the bucket of the Colonel's finest that appeared on my desk at noon today.  Sorry, Mulder, but I'll have to pass on that one-my arteries aren't capable of the grease intake that yours are.  I admit that I am still baffled, but I do know that you have enlisted Kim in this latest madness, as in-between denials she blushes and giggles into her hands. 
You wrote:
>room service sucks only slightly less than this bed
I say, eat anyway, and my bed "sucks" too, only because you're not in it.

W.S.S.

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: KFC
Date: December 14, 20__

You wrote:
>you have enlisted Kim in this latest madness
Would I do that? (Grinning disarmingly)  Would she? (Still grinning)
I think I am getting Scully's cold, and our Klan lead totally panned out-feels like we're back at square one here, and now I'm worried that-
Never mind, you'll read it all in Scully's report.
KFC is not as bad for you as you think.  Although I do have documented proof about the whole rat in the deep fryer thing, if you want to see it sometime.

Mulder

p.s.: thanks for that last thought-I miss you, too.

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: Re: Re: KFC
Date: December 15, 20__

Expected to get another nasty lunch surprise today, and I might even have been a bit disappointed when I didn't.  Then Kim brings in a package as she's leaving for the day, still giggling, still blushing-
-Christ, Mulder, this is the ugliest clock I have ever seen!  A different bird call every hour, too? What were you thinking?  Thank God there's a mute button!
You're last report mentioned the ghost again, Mulder.  Drop it.  It sounds like missionary style terrorism now.
Be careful.
Just read this over before sending, and I think I've got it-bird calls, calling birds…
Mulder, please tell me this isn't leading to something embarrassing!

W.S.S.

p.s.: Take care of that cold.

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: 5 Golden Rings
Date: December 16, 20__

I was expecting onion rings, napkin rings, maybe even a phone ringing.
I was not expecting hula-hoops.
Gold painted hula-hoops…
Kim is practically in hysterics and not getting a lick of work done, and I have no idea how I'm going to carry these out of the office with any degree of subtlety whatsoever.  But, Mulder, it's five gold rings, and I only see four here-where's the fifth ring?
Didn't hear from you last night.  Got Scully's autopsy report on the last victim, though-looks like you might have something solid to work with finally-can you run the hair and skin analysis up there, or did you need it done at Quantico?
Call if you want, I'll be in the office late.  Or email me.

W.S.S.

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: 5 Golden Rings
Date: December 16, 20__

Mississippi sucks.  Rain sucks.  This case sucks.  And not being with you sucks.
Scully is feeling much better, but now I sound like Demi Moore and feel about as good as she looked in GI Jane- Demi, that is, not Scully.
I think you were right about the nationalist thing-Scully and I are checking it out tomorrow.
You may think you're on to me, but I'm still improvising, And, FYI, I know how to count.

Mulder

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: Geese
Date: December 17, 20__

The Emily Carr painting is very nice, Mulder, and I agree with you-it will be perfect for over the fireplace.  You must have had to hunt for a painting of Canada Geese, but I appreciate it, and Carr is a favorite. 
You wrote:
>I sound like Demi Moore
Now that I would like to hear
I admit, you had me worried with this one-the whole six geese thing, I mean.  I was picturing plaster hands on every chair in my office.
I guess the "a-layin" part will have to wait until you get home.  Which, frankly, can't be too soon for me.

W.S.S.

p.s.: The 5th ring??

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Geese
Date: December 17, 20__

Walter:
I never thought of the hand thing-Christmas goose indeed!  Maybe you should be doing this.
I'm glad you like the painting.  I noticed the two small Carr's in the stairwell at the cabin, and remembered them when I went on my goose hunt.  She only did a couple of bird themed pieces, and I was lucky enough to find one of them.
Did I mention that I hate being sick, yet?
I hate being sick.
The good news is all in Scully's report.
It's still raining.

Mulder

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: Re: Re: Geese
Date: December 18, 20__

Bath toys, Mulder?  Well, why not?  Although I have to tell you, I was always a boat kind of kid in the tub, not a rubber ducky guy (or, in this case, rubber swans).  But I can adapt.  So does this make me Ernie?  Guess who that makes you?
Get home, Bert; I miss the hell out of you.

Ernie

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: milk and maids
Date: December 19, 20__

I didn't know that you gave Scully this address.  I don't mind, I was just surprised to get private mail from her.  She says you asked her to let me know what was going on down there.  She says you are out for the count sleeping off a flu bug that 's just begging to become pneumonia-
You never do anything halfway, do you, Mulder?
Speaking of which-
1. Despite my foolish concern for your equally foolish ass, I was glad that you were there to nail that bastard-Mom and apple pie and dead black kids-nice motto, buddy!  Only in the south, I guess.
2. Okay, finally getting around to thanking you for the gift certificate for 8 months of cleaning services. It was a pleasant surprise, as was the coffee milkshake that Kim presented me with at lunch. I should have known you'd remember my favorite.
I have to say, I think Kim is enjoying this as much as you.
I have been thinking about the next 4 days, though, and the traditional song, and I have to say I'm getting a little nervous
Anyway, you got your man, now get well and get home!

W.

P.S.: still waiting on ring #5

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: milk and maids
Date: December 19, 20__

Ernie:

I swear, Scully drugged me!
Sorry I missed the last two days.  Between arresting a crazed southern militia who thinks I am Sherman reincarnated, and hacking out most of my lung tissue, I have been in no mood for cyberchat.
What I am in the mood for, I can't even put into this letter.  Especially not with the enigmatic Doctor Scully hovering over me like a vulture over a corpse.
Walter, she just hit me.
Glad you are liking the gifts.  Maybe maid service was too subtle.  Should I tell you that you don't need a maid when it's just you in the house?  Maybe I'm still delirious from the flu.
Wow, 2 paragraphs, and I'm exhausted.  I'm calling it a night.  You should, too, and hopefully, I'll feel up to the mountain of paperwork that awaits me tomorrow.  The sooner it's done, though, the sooner I'm home.

Love, Bert

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: 9 drummers drumming
Date: December 20, 20__

Clever, Mulder, but you don't play fair.  How am I supposed to run my division with my usual iron fist of terror when there are wind up monkeys waddling and playing drums across my desk?  I'm thinking of giving Kim a raise on your behalf. 
Do you think you will be back before the twenty-fifth?

Walter (short one ring)

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: monkeying around
Date: December 20, 20__

You wrote:
>Do you think you will be back before the twenty-fifth?
I sure as hell hope so! 
While you're feeling so generous, feel free to give Scully a raise, too, or at least a Christmas bonus.  She has been amazing on this case, especially now, when it's all about paperwork and kissing the right local asses to get this whole mess cleared up as quickly as possible. 
Did I tell you that the ghost was never adequately explained?  Or that the woman who told us about it was the mother of the last victim?  And guess who the father was-talk about a scumbag.  I wonder if that little boy was trying to tell her something-or tell us all something…
I digress.
Enjoy your monkeys, and I'll give you a call tonight.

Fox Mulder, pencil pusher extraordinaire

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: on the tenth day of Christmas
Date: December 21, 20__

Thanks for the call last night.  Was really good to hear your voice, although I almost felt like I should have been paying 4.95 a minute for some of the things you were saying…I thought I was too old for maidenly blushes.
I came to work today with some trepidation, I have to tell you, but I never expected this: It took some time to figure them all out, during which I got no work done-your tax dollars at work, but I think I've got it-tell me if I'm right:
1. video of Carrie-co-stars Piper Laurie
2. Hush Puppies-refers to fetching pipe and slippers
3. CCR's Greatest Hits-to remind me of another type of pipe
4. A miniature wrench on a key chain-it's a pipe wrench, right?
5. A copy of The Pied Piper of Hamelin-that's a given
6. Cans of frosting-I think the icing on the edge of a cake is piping, right?
7. A test tube and a beaker-all that's missing is the pipette (Does Scully know you took these?)
8. Tartan plaid blanket-reminds one of bagpipes, without the sound of cat's dying
9. Beach In A Bag-cheesy souvenir from that case in Florida.  This one took some time, but then I remembered that clock-sandpiper, a bird native to that region
10. More piping, this time navy on light blue pajamas.
Pretty impressive, Mister I-Don't-Celebrate-Christmas.

I'm going to try and get some real work done, now, but I hope you can tell, even in an email, how much this all means to me.

Walter

P.S.: 5 rings…

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: pipe dreams
Date: December 21, 20__

Aren't you smart.  Guess that's why you're an assistant director, and I'm still in Mudbowl, Mississippi, making sure all my Is are dotted and my Ts are crossed.
Lots of good news tonight.  We're almost done here, and all the meds Scully's been forcing on me seem to have done the trick-my voice still sounds like it could pull a sled, but other than that, I'm fit for duty, as it were.  Granted, Scully says I'll probably need lots of bedrest when we get home…bedrest, Walter…bed…rest…think about it.
See you soon

Mulder, still pushing pencils and hating it.

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: Re: pipe dreams
Date: December 21, 20__

Bert:

You wrote:
>…bed…rest…think about it
I'm thinking about it.  Hurry home.

Ernie

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: 11 ladies
Date: December 22, 20__

Mulder, what the hell is this?  I snuck into the office early, hoping to head off the parade of strippers I figured you had hired for today's "gift", and by some amazing coincidence, Kim is early, too, smiling and chatting me up like I'm her new best friend. Totally panicked by her behavior, I storm into my office to find it…empty.  No strippers, no hookers, no clogging Dutch lesbians (and keep the dyke jokes to yourself, smart guy).  Just my desk, empty but for a sprig of holly and a postcard…
Nice card.  One of those long ones, with a row of hula dancers posed smiling and leied on the front, with the word "Aloha" splashed across the top.
Do I know anyone in Hawaii?  Just the regional office director, and that sanctimonious little prick wouldn't give his dying mother bus fare to the hospital, so I don't think it's from him.
I flip over the card, and recognize your scrawl immediately (as they say, Mulder, you have the handwriting of a serial killer, although they also say that mixing lower case and capital letters is a sign of imagination-or ADD, I forget which.)
   No snow
   No cold
   No need for clothes
   F.

Cryptic, but not too.
Is this a hint? A promise? A confirmation?
Whatever it is, as long as it's with you, count me in.

Aloha,

Walter

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: 11 ladies
Date: December 22, 20__

Walter

Yes.  It's a hint.  A promise.  A confirmation.

Aloha

Mulder

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: no place like home for the holidays
Date: December 22, 20__

I know you got the reports, but just wanted to remind you that we're only here for one more day, and that Scully's car is in the airport parking lot, so no worries there.  You'll still be at work when we get back, so I'll call you.

Mulder

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: leapin' lords!
Date: December 23, 20__

Mulder:

Who is Lord Manhammer, and why would he and his eleven friends invite me to a New Year's ceremonial Forgotten Realms game?
Actually, that's not the question that plagues me at all.  I'm still counting hula-hoops…
You never did tell me what you wanted for Christmas.
Soon,

Walter

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: obscure orphan Annie references
Date: December 23, 20__

Dear Daddy Warbucks:
I know, I know, I'll pay for that one later-what do you expect, mister "leapin lords"?!
One more day!!
Not to sound trite, or cliched, but I don't want anything for Christmas, except to be where you are.
Preferably naked.

Mulder

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: none
Date: December 23, 20__

You wrote:
>Preferably naked.
Me, too.

W.

To: mulder@yahoo.com
From: surly1@accesscomm.ca
Subject: homecoming
Date: December 24, 20__

Don't know if you'll be checking your mail before you leave, but-
Just a note to let you know that I should be able to be out of here early tonight, as even Deputy Directors believe in Santa Claus.
I think I may have found that last gold ring…

Love, 
Walter

To: surly1@accesscomm.ca
From: mulder@yahoo.com
Subject: none
Date: December 24, 20__

Walter,

Ditto on the don't know if you're checking your mail, but I hope so.  It would be nice to be able to say thank you without turning on the waterworks, and I don't know if I can do that in person.
I already had a fifth ring; I was just waiting until the right time to give it to you.  Looks like you beat me to the punch.
Just a card, and the box, sitting on the coffee table, next to a packet of sunflower seeds-am I that transparent?
By the way, the card is beautiful. White on white-so you.
Also by the way, the ring fits perfectly.
I hope yours does, too.
In case you haven't figured it out, I am sitting in your apartment, soon to be our apartment, I hope, and I am wearing the ring that was in the box.  You didn't have to say go ahead and open it in the card-I couldn't have waited anyway.  So, I'm wearing the ring.
And nothing else.
Better be home soon.
Love,
Fox

P.S. Merry Christmas, Ernie
 
 
 

(Merry Christmas to L.S., Bertie, Jvanthe and Amokeh, Vyper, Mary, Nich, Fred, Boris, Ed, Holmes, Annezo, Miss Jane St. Clair, Josan, Jenin, Wulfster and a host of others who have joined me in this journey, and helped along the way-thanks, kids!)