Cum*ber*batch
 
Crack and more crack--a Paen to Mr. Cumberbatch in Iambic Tetrameter

***

Cum*ber*batch: vt. –ched, to overwhelm with the charms of Benedict Cumberbatch

Ah, when you play that private eye,
It’s hard to keep my knickers dry.
My life has never been the same
Since when I learned your brilliant name.
 
Sometimes I wish I’d never watched
‘Cos then I’d not be Cumberbotched.
I find that quite against my wishes
I’ve joined the ranks of Cumberbitches.
 
A million fantasies were hatched
The first time we were Cumberbatched.
Dear man, how easily you’d get laid
By we, your estrogen brigade.
 
But I’m afraid that it’s a lie
That just your acting makes us sigh;
Frankenstein, Hawking, in the bag,
But we prefer a damn good shag.
 
So many women’s kinks were born
That night you gave us sweet neck porn.
Your shapely fingers and fine hands
Are sugar candy to your fans.
 
Your chocolate voice rolls out like thunder.
Your cheek bones are just made of wonder.
And now I really have a jones
To lick along your collar bones.
 
Such images my mind unfurls
If I could touch your ginger curls.
Pray, how can feet and flex’ble toes
Be oh, so sexy? No one knows.
 
The heart shape of your pretty lips,
The fine curve of your waist to hips,
The glor’ous mystery of your eyes,
Requires more study, I surmise.
 
And when you lisped, it should be noted
A thousand ovaries exploded.
And did you know we nearly cum
From just a glimpse of Cumberbum?
 
All brain function started to lapse
The day you shared ‘Cum-on-my-baps.’
And yes, it made my heart beat quick
When I heard you say ‘Bendy-Dick.’
 
Can I just say I’m rendered dumb
Over the way you love your Mum.
Oh, Benedict, for the love of Pete,
It’s just not fair that you’re so sweet.
 
Say I may have your Benediction
As you’re the cause of my affliction.
So, please, please, Mister Cumberbatch,
I’d like to get you in my sn—(woah!)