Hayley: Dad, I've never seen this side of you, it's so sweet.
Stan: (In playful voice) Well, if you tell anybody, I'll kill you. (Both laugh) I'm serious, I will kill you... I will reach into your chest, pull out your beating heart, and eat it; all of it. Every last bit... well, sweet dreams, angel.

"What is this and how do I replace my blood with it?"
-Roger

"I don't have the musicals down yet, but as soon as I poke a dude, I'll be a regular Sondheim."
-Stan

"If I've got my terminology right, I'm what you would call a power-top."
-Stan

Stanley Smith: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve Smith: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley Smith: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

Roger the Alien: God! Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay?

Stanley Smith: Sorry I'm late, I was getting a piping-hot cup of coffee. It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man-mouth can take it.

Stanley Smith: Francine, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?

Steve Smith: I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!

Roger the Alien: I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.

Roger: By the way, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, oh my God!

    Stan: What makes you think you're going to survive?
    Roger: My species is immune to all human ailments.
    Stan:: So explain that cold sore.
    Roger: Mind your own business!

    Stan: Are you drunk?
    Roger: Working on it.

    Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!
    Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"
    Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.

    Steve: So then it's cool to alienate gays?
    Stan: Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.

    Stan: Roger? Where did you learn to skate?
    Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.
 
 

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