___ would have been 35 today. How bizarre is that. I miss him sometimes...

Repeat after me: I am recovering. I am not going to take on the shit of others. I only need to own my own shit.

Very good.

Thinkin' bout ___ and ___, probably more than I need to, but I suppose it's a bit like ___ with ___. Sometimes you just want to reach out, y'know. And you must remember that you can't always...

I miss ___. I never see him anymore, and I know it's some shit that he's going through, but you know how I can be...

Yay, brunch in a few short hours. Missed it last week.

No, you don't want to know about ___. The situation is so wonderful, so messed up, so typical of my fucking state of affairs, not just today but for all my life, that I don't know whether to laugh or cry...laugh mostly, cos what else can you do, right? I mean, it's not like there were any big fucking surprises there, but you know...I say you know, alot. Maybe I'm finally getting to a place where I am not throwing out all my crap for the world without wondering a little about the recriminations.

By the by, did the sleep of death again today--who knew...meant to sleep for an hour, slept for 7 instead, and apparently ___ came by and buzzed, but I slept right through it. Yeesh. I don't know what else I can do. I've allotted all the free time that I can for sleep. There's no more hours left...

Christ, I'm feeling so damned unrecovered these days. I know it's spring, and this always happens, but it's so frustrating. Somedays I'm on top of the world, thinking that i've got it all covered, you know, and that everything is fine and dandy (it's like a hard candy Christmas), and then the next thing you know, I'm cowering, okay, mentally anyway, about to go to pieces so fast people will be hit by the shrapnel. And I despair of ever getting it together. I think maybe that's why I do too much, care too much whatever, too much, to overcompensate for the percieved lacks...like if I'm running from start to finish, I won't notice the voids, the holes, the sadness, the sketchiness, the allround whatever that is keeping me from being a whole and fullfilled person,

or maybe I'm just talking out my ass.

I feel better. Tired, though. And dancing on Friday kicked some major major ass, let me tell you!!!!!