<>Jay: I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick's kissing booth.
Dante: What? Caitlin has a kissing booth, like for charity?
Jay: Yeah, only it don't cost nothing... and it's not for charity... and there's no booth... and it's more than just kissing... and you don't have to be a guy... Dude, she's cheating on you.

Randal: Those rides are put together by junkies and alcholics.
Dante: No they're not.
Alcoholic: Do you guys sell Elmer's Glue and thumbtacks? We're trying to put together a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Junkie: Do you guys sell black tar heroin?
Dante: No, and no.
Alcoholic: Well, rubber bands it is.

Randal: Do you think Phantom Menace is as good of a movie as Empire?
George Lucas: Well, certainly! I think it's the best movie I've made yet.
Randal: Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars, Obi-Wan tells Luke when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy?
George Lucas: Well, my kids thought...
Randal: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trains him, but in the movie Liam Neeson trains him?
George Lucas: Um, well, the power of myth...
Randal: Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie, that you wrote it over a weekend but told people you had it written for years?
Lawyer: Objection! The pod race was pretty cool.

Walt: You're just jealous because me and Steve-Dave are going to have a sleepover after the fair at my mom's house.
Randal: Would you two stop it with the sleepovers already? You're in your mid-twenties, for God's sake.
Walt: You're just jealous that me and Steve-Dave are going to do bodypainting at the sleepover too, and play naked robber.
Steve-Dave, Randal, and Dante's eyes bug out.
Walt: Uh, I'll have you know that naked robber was one of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's favorite party games.

Dante: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Randal: Urinating in the frozen foods section and watching it steam up? Oh yeah.

Jay: If we had a lightsaber, I could voom-voom, snikt, snikt, snikt, woooaaa Jedi, slice up tubby here, crawl inside him and we could stay warm for the night.

Leonardo Leonardo: Well played, clerks. I underestimated you once but never again. I promise you that my vengeance will be neither swift or entertaining. I will draw it out over decades until you're no longer certain whether the manifest misery of your lives is down to happenstance or the machinations of Leonardo Leonardo! Or some... third thing. Good day.

Randal: Look how scared he is. He's shaking.
Dante: No, he's masturbating.
Randal: Yeah, but it's out of fear.

Jay: No time, man. Me and Silent Bob have an appointment at the gorilla cage. We've come to the decision that we need more gorillas in our empty lives.

Dante: I told you hating the Golden Girls would result in something like this!
Randal: I regret nothing! Sic semper, Bea Arthur.


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