"Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid." -Jon Stewart

 "Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake."
-Jon Stewart.

"Don't you think [having Canada hate you] is kinda like having Mr. Rogers throw a brick through your window?"
-Jon Stewart

"Congratulations to GQ and Spike for making a Hershey Kiss look like a penis."
-Jon Stewart

"You must look at foreign nations like you do women, you have to assume they're all out to destroy you..."
                -Vance Degeneres, The Daily Show

"Why can't they have gay people in the military?  Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand gay guys with M16s going,"Who'd you call a faggot?"
 -Jon Stewart

"A few minutes ago I uncovered the vast homosexual media conspiracy against me"
  -Steven Colbert

"They gayed it all up, they got gay all up in it"
  -Steven Colbert

"Apparently "cute" means "subversive" in Lesbian-speak"
  -Steven Colbert

"Steve has touched many people, some of them appropriately"
  -Steven Colbert

"See the silence? I suppose that comes between tasting the odor, and smelling the bullshit?"
  -Lewis Black

"Melt in my mouth baby, oh yeah melt in my mouth!"
  -Steve Caroll, on sexualizing M&M commercials

"The economy isn't slowing down, poor people are getting faster"
  -Jon Stewart

"I'm Steve Caroll, and SANTA TOUCHED ME!"
 -Steve Caroll

"I'm sorry I was up late last night waiting for the Columbus Day Bunny to hop down my chimney and light fireworks in my jack-o-lantern."
        -Mo Rocca

"They've finally come to terms with something they should have long ago...shame"
                -Lewis Black

"Where movies are still 25 cents... for 3 minutes"
                -Steven Colbert

"But Jefferson is not just hookers and corpses, it's also a great place to hide corpses."
                -Steven Colbert

"A town on a presipice, over a tinderbox, full of powderkegs."
                -Steven Colbert

"He went to Washington to make things right, extremely right."
                -Jon Stewart on Jesse Helms

"Does this tie go with shame?"
                -Jon Stewart

"But who is fighting for topless, firebreathing, tower-climbing transexual's rights?"
                -Mo Rocca

"Great, you won't let anyone pick our pockets, you'll concentrating on fucking our asses."
                -Jon Stewart

"If a picture speaks a thousand words, I know at least three of those words are "What a Jackass!"
                -Jon Stewart

"This is the 21st century, you can't get the europeans riled up just by leaving a flaming bag of dogpoop on Spain's doorstep... We all miss Eisenhower."
                -Miriam Toelen

"Then gayness comes raining down in all it's rainbow glory!"
                -Steven Colbert

"If you're such an expert at being a lesbian, why are you turning me on?"
                -Steven Colbert

"We don't hate homosexuals, we're just angry at the ones that turn us on."
                -Steven Colbert

"Berets and cake, remember this is an organization against homosexuality."
               -Jon Stewart on the Army's Beret celebrations

"Criminals are becoming more efficient, combining crimes;
Stealing a car while plagiarizing...
Skyjacking a prostitute...
Arson while sodomizing..."
                -Steve Caroll

"You just made me vomit in my own mouth."
                -Steve Caroll

"What's the weather like up your own ass?"
                -Stephen Colbert

"If your tongue is white; bacteria are growing, causing bad breath. If your tongue is pink; it's healthy.
If your tongue is ribbed; call me! For Christ's sake CALL ME!!!
                -Lewis Black

"Wrestling and Politics go together like cookies and ass..."
                -Vance Degeneres

"They then flocked to the only gay Irish bar in New York, Fisty McCramdinhands."
                -Jon

"Disney and Coca-Cola, two companies who have dictated who we are and why America should be hated."
                -Jon

"This inauguration was special, in the same way some olympics are special."
                -Daily Show on GWB 2001