January 28, 1994

Later-

He slept on the couch today too.  We went shopping and I made an excellent spaghetti dinner.  Then he crashed.  For a while, I just sat and watched him, my heart in my throat.  How am I supposed to explain to him the bitterness of my smile when I know each time I hold him, each time we sleep side by side, each time he touches me, that it could be the last.

And so I hang on to each caress, storing them like precious photos in the album in my mind, to take out in the future, and browse through as often as I want when memories are all I have left.  Oh, that sounds so sad.  I don't mean it like that.  We'll always be friends.  it's just that these times with him are so precious, so beautiful, so fun, that they will be a great comfort to me in my old age.

Sheesh.  I am really happy now, I swear.  This sounds so maudlin.  Guess U can't explain the inexplicable.