"You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus."
Ben Affleck (Bartleby), Dogma

"What HE really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism."
-Rufus, Dogma

Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
Dogma

Bethany: McHenry is pretty far from Jersey, might I ask what brings you guys to Illinois?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "16 Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know him too? That fucking guy. Made this flick "16 Candles" right? Not bad it's got tits in it, but no bush. Of course Ebert over here don't give a shit about that stuff cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy and rents every one of his movies. Fucking "Breakfast Club" all these stupid kids actually show up to detention, fucking "Weird Science" where this one chick wants to take off her gear and get down, but aw, no she don't cause it's a PG movie, and then there's "Pretty In Pink" which I can't watch with this tubby muthafucker any more, because everytime we get to the part where the red head hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little eight-year-old with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse then watching a fat man weep.

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pube-less asses!

Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.

Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.

Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.

Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...

Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

Metatron: Wax on, wax off.