THE
TAO OF EMILY
courtesy of lisby@earthlink.net
(and
I think if all six year olds were like this, I'd want one myself)
Emilism: She has created a universe where boys
won the war against the
Flower Girls, who are now fighting back. They
have a double agent in
their midst. Her name is--get ready--Lace
Kharma. She also kisses the
TV screen every time a trailer for the new
Harry potter movie comes on.
We are so doomed....
Emily said that the ride was "evil." Then she
said, "Mom, can I ask you a question? Do my eyebrows look big?"
(It really is a small world after all....)
"Just tell me where Mommy is and no one
gets hurt!"
while very pissed at her daddy
***
EMILY (trying to convince Mommy that she deserves
to have dessert after breakfast):
MOMMY: Nuh-uh. No way.
EMILY: Pleasepleasepleaseplease!
MOMMY: Nope.
EMILY: Yes!!!!!!!!!
MOMMY: No.
EMILY: Mommy, you have no idea how hard my life
is!
***
EMILY: Mommy, if you want a daughter then I will be your daughter, but I won't be your SLAVE!
***
EMILY(talking to Aunt Boo on the phone): We had a beach party today....No, you're not allowed to wear your bathing suit....No, I...I ALREADY ASKED AND YOU COULDN"T WEAR YOUR BATHING SUIT, alright???!....Yes, I like reading. I mostly enjoy nonfiction, like books about animals and the environment...I'm sorry. I must go now. I have to take a bath with bubbles.
BTW, she turned six on May 18th....
***
EMILY: (to her friend Allie) Now, Allie, listen to me. This is very important. You don't take off your underwear here. Only I take off my underwear in this house. Because it's *my* house. Understand?
***
On the first floor of our 100-year-old house
house is a bathroom made out of what was previously a closet. Right next
to it is the office. This is needed backstory.
EMILY: (On the pot making poops and doing
this weird opera vibrato singing that she's started on recently) La
la LAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH la la OOOOOOOOOOOOOllaaaaaaaaaa ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
lalala Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah LA LA La la laaaaaa LAAAAAAAA--why
is this fucking bathroom so small?
MOMMY: (Bursts into laughter)
EMILY: (Opens the door and stands solemnly
in the office doorway) Mom, I am going to go get a drink of water and
then we're going to talk.
MOMMY: (Doing best Monty-Python-Roman-soldier-hearing-the-name-Biggus-Dickus
impression) Mmmmmhmmmmm.
EMILY: (returns from kitchen) Mom, how
would you like it if someone laughed at you when you were on the potty?
MOMMY: (Utterly cracks up, nearly losing control
of her bladder, while Emily runs off crying.)
***
EMILY: (to Allie as they were changing from
one round of garb to another) "Girlfriend, without clothes I have no
fashion!"
***
Emily's First Day at Kindergarten:
Mommy: How did it go, baby?
Emily: I dunno.
Mommy: Was the bus ride okay?
Emily: Uh-huh.
Mommy: Did you get to your classroom okay?
Emily: (Stares into space.)
Mommy: Did your teacher meet you?
Emily: (More space...)
Mommy: Did you find your room okay?
Emily: (Vast constellations. A touch of hair
twirling.)
Mommy: Emily, how did you get to your room?
Emily: (Vapid blinking.)
Mommy: Did you just wander around the school
until you found it?
Emily: (drool.)
Mommy: Baby, do you have any recollection at
all of how you got into your classroom?
Emily: (Glazed blinking.)
***
EMILY TO MOM: I want a cup of milk.
MOM: Okay.
EMILY: And NO lid!
MOM: Well, yes m'am!
(Emily runs out of room.)
(Emily returns, wringing hands)
EMILY: Mommy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sauce
you.
***
Emily and her friend William are sitting at
the table. Suddenly William yells and doubles over sobbing, hand covering
his eye.
DADDY:What happened?
EMILY: I hit him in the eye.
DADDY:You hit William in the eye? Why did you
do that?
EMILY: I'm sorry! It was an accident! I
was trying to hit him in the nose!
***
Emily finally had her first day in kindergarten
last Friday. Part of the schedule is Quiet Time.
EMILY: And then we had to put our heads down
on the desk and they turned the lights out and they said we had to keep
our lips zipped! That's really hard-- I mean, what if someone needs to
ask the teacher a question?
MOMMY: Emily, did you need to ask the teacher
a question?
EMILY: Yeah.
MOMMY: What did you have to ask her?
EMILY: Why the heck are we doing this?
***
EMILY (who starts kindergarten this year):Mommy,
I don't have anything to wear to school.
MOMMY: "Yes you do."
EMILY: No. I don't have anything fashion. I need something to show my butt
and my belly button. I can't be fashion if I don't have that!"
***
When told that her father was going to clip
her toenails:"You know what's going to happen. First he'll clip them,
then he'll kill me!"
***
EMILY(very, very loudly and completely out
of left field): Well, mommy, you know it's like I always say--If you
can suck it, you can chew it!
***
EMILY(to her brother): I want you to come
outside and play with me.
NICK: I really don't feel like it.
EMILY: That's okay. IF you want to make me really,
really sad. You don't. So come on.....
***
Last night, while dancing with her father
in the living room:
EMILY: Now we spin....and now you turn around...and
now we go like this....
DADDY: When do we get to part where we take our
clothes off?
EMILY: Any moment now.
***
MOMMY (trying to get the house picked up):
No, we're not going to take all that out and play with it now. It'll make
a big mess all over the place.
EMILY: Blah blah blah. That's all I'm hearing.
***
"Mommy, I'm sure that that woman was a dumb ass,
but I don't think she knew you wanted her to move so you could get this
parking space."
(in the parking lot of Toys R Us)
***
Emily runs into the kitchen for the 43rd time
to interrupt the dinner production. Previously she has appeared as Harry
Potter, a demented elf, the boss of the world, and many of her other personalities.
"I heard someone down in the toilet! It's
true, I tell you! It's true! I think it was my little sister. Stand back,
mom, I'm going in!"
***
Daddy is getting the kids up for school. Nick,
who hates getting up in the morning, staggers out of his room. Emily, who
is sitting on her bed, snaps at him:
"Bubba-- is all you got waddle?"
(Emily would be a great hit at drag shows!)
***
During dinner, Emily comes running into the
kitchen, utterly hysterical, crying:
"Mommy! Mommy! I put trash up my nose!
I think it went way up there! It was so slippery I couldn't get it out!
I'm so sorry I put trash up my nose! I know it was a stupid thing to do,
but it was just so shiney!"
Later, at Borders, eating a black-and-white
cookie and drinking chocolate milk bopping in her chair and singing at
the top of her lungs:
"I AM SO GLAD TO BE ALIVE! Oh yeah! Soooooooooooooooo
glad...."
On the way home in the car:
EMILY: Mommy, will you always love me no matter
what I do?
MOMMY: Yes, I will always love you.
EMILY : Mommy, I am starting to cry tears of
joy.
At home, after using the bathroom:
"I made a poop. It was just a little bigger than
I expected."
***
"I can't go down to the basement without
the light on. I don't know where the light is. I won't go downstairs without
the light on. I might trip and hurt myself. I may swallow dirt and choke....
Oh, hey! There's the light swtich! Oh man, I'm freezing to death. I'm so
cold I can't hear. Where the hell am I?"
(while mommy is trying to take a pee)
***
So, today, after Emily gave mommy a massage
with oil (now everywhere) she says:
"You
know, Mommy, I want to be a massager when I grow up. Now let's see those
elbows!"
***
Just to set the stage, Emily had been rrrreeeeeaaaaalllllyyy
a big pill for the last few days....
EMILY:
(outside
picking the last of the marigolds): These flowers are for mommy to
help her get better.
DADDY: Mommy isn't sick.
EMILY: Yes she is. She said she is 'sick and
tired.'
***
In the the van coming home from dinner:
DADDY:How high can you count?
EMILY: "One,two, three, four, seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, sixteen, seventy, eighteen,
nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, five-fifty,
one hundred and one, one hundred and two, one hundred and three-- OH MY
GOD, I dropped my lollypop! Where is my Lollypop? Oh shit a piece of cake!
Hey, hey-- listen everybody, when I count to three let's all pee in the
car!"
***
EMILY: (getting tucked into bed) Mommy,
I want to sleep with a wash rag.
MOMMY: Why?
EMILY: It reminds me of you.
***
EMILY: (to Mommy-both lying on bed): Is
that daddy's pillow?
MOMMY: Yes. And he's never even used it before.
It's brand new.
EMILY: Good. I'm going to put my butt on it.
***
Mommy and Emily have made a deal that after
they do two more puzzles, it's bedtime. After the second puzzle is done...
EMILY: Mommy, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm just not ready to
go to bed yet.
(Mommy makes squished-up mouth like the roman guard trying not to laugh
at the name "biggue dickus" in "The Life of Brian.)
EMILY:(holding up one finger) YET. I said YET.
***
Emily and daddy are playing in the backyard.
Emily is "Jack" and Daddy is "Grandpa."
EMILY: Grandpa, Grandma is laying around the
yard again.
DAD: Is she asleep?
EMILY: She's not moving...and her tongue is sticking
out.
DAD: Oh Jack, is she....?
EMILY: Yes, grandpa. She's dead and she's laying
on a plate.
***
And introducing Emily's cousin Elise,
who has been attending Bible school recently....
Elise's sister MADISON: Olive Garden makes the
best spaghetti bolognese.
Elise's sister ALEX: No way! Joe's makes the
best!
MADISON: Nope. Olive Garden.
ELISE: Nuh-uh, you guys! Jesus makes the best
speghetti bolognese!
***
Emily, to her dad while having an argument:
"That's it! I'm so mad at you I am going to my room and I will*never*!"
***
Emily, to her dad while playing "sick cow": Now you're dead and
I'll put sugar in my coffee. Hey-- where is
all the sugar? Did you eat all the
sugar? Okay, now here's the part where I jump down from the sky and you
catch me with your hooves."
***
At the comic book store, Emily is messing
with the comics her comic-book collecting geek father fits.
DADDY: Emily stop that! You're not supposed to bend them!
EMILY: (twirling in a circle with a comic book crumpled in her hands)
Lalalalalalalalalalalala.
DADDY: Emily!
EMILY: I want my own comic book. Can I have my own comic book?
DADDY: They don't make comics for little girls.
<Sudden erruption of an extremely loud fart that echoes through the
comic book shop>
EMILY: <in a voice mighty enough to sub
for Ezekial's trumpet> I HAVE TO GO POOP NOW. DADDY, I *HAVE* TO GO
POOP.
DADDY: <rushing to the front counter
where a goth girl cashier looks on in abject horror> Where is the bathroom?
NOW!
<Goth girl points to the back of the store.
Dad takes off. When he reaches the bathroom door he turns to
see Emily miles away down the aisle.>
EMILY: <Stewing in her own fart juices and twirling in a circle>
Lalalalalalalalalalalala....
DADDY: EMILY! Get over here!
<Emily saunters down the aisle. Dad gets her on the potty.>
DADDY: Okay, go poop.
EMILY: That's okay. I don't have to now.
Epilogue: The comic book Emily came with was titled "Girls Under Arrest."
***
EMILY, to the clerk at Toyz R Us:"I so
want a crackernut barbie. I have dreamed of them every night..."
(If I were Ken, I'd run to hills right now.)
***
Emily and Mommy go to see "Lilo and Stitch."
Emily lasts an hour before she wants to leave and get french fries.
In the restaurant:
MOMMY: Honey, I'm sorry you didn't like the movie.
EMILY: Oh, don't mind me.
MOMMY: But you said you really wanted to see
this movie, so I'm sorry you didn't like it.
EMILY: Well, I'm sorry that *you* liked it, Mommy.
***
Emily is in the backseat of the new PT Cruiser
having fit because she can't hold (read: spill) her soda.
EMILY: Can I hold it? I want to hold it! I'm
thirsty.
MOMMY: No. You can't. You'll get it all over
the place.
EMILY. I wanna hold it. I need a drink. I am
soooo thirsty. I want my soda!
MOMMY: I said no.
EMILY: But I'm thirsty. I want my soda. Can I
hold it?
MOMMY: No.
EMILY: I want it. I need a drink. I am thirstier
than ever. I need my soda.
MOMMY: No!
(A few moments of silence go by)
EMILY: ...So were you just kidding about this
not holding the soda thing?
***
The next day, in the PT Cruiser.
EMILY: I want to take my shoes off.
MOMMY: No, we'll be home in just a second and
then you'll just have to put them back on again.
EMILY: I want to take them off! <sound of
velcro straps ripping as she pulls her powerpuff girl sandals off>
MOMMY: Emily Jane, I told you not to take them
off. You are being so bad!
EMILY: <long pause, then dolorously> Mommy,
that is the meanest thing you have ever said to me. How could you, Mommy?
***
Emily is doing intepretive dance to Chet Baker
jazz.
E: I'm going to be a dancer and my name is Rapsheba
and my boyfriend is Harry Potter. This is Rapsheba's music.
***
In the children's section:
EMILY: I want this book.
MOMMY: Honey, I think it's a little old for you.
EMILY: No. Mommy, I REMAND that you buy me this
book.
<Mommy slumps over with head in hands.>
***
In the cafe:
EMILY: Read me this book.
DADDY: Not right now.
EMILY: Read me this book?
DADDY: No.
EMILY: Read me this book!
DADDY: You're being obnoxious. Do you know what
that means?
EMILY: It means that I want you to read me this
book?
DADDY: It means you're being a brat.
EMILY: I won't be NAUSEOUS if you read me this
book.
<Daddy slumps over and puts head in hands....>
***
Emily confronts mommy with Nick's pump-action
nerf rocket firerer.
EMILY: I'm going to shrink your brains! (She
pumps the toy.)
MOMMY: Oh man! What you do that for?
EMILY: (Smiling like an angel) Well, you
see, I'm a good witch, but I'm also just a leeeetle bit mean....
***
"Those fireworks scared the crap out of me."
-on the 4th of July
***
A few days ago Emily was mad at her father.
He was in the kitchen doing dishes when she marches in and plops her music
box on the floor. It plays "It's a small world afterall."
EMILY: I am really mad at you. You listen to
this and feel sorry!
She then marches out of the room and returns
with her sock monkey.
EMILY: (throwing sock money on floor)
And here's the goddamn Mrs. Popo, too!
***
Emily is laying on Mommy's bed.
EMILY: Honey, I am so tired. I need a cold cloth
for my head.
(Mommy goes and gets one and lays it on Emily's
forehead, covering her eyes.)
EMILY: Oh that feels so good. You know what else
will help? (Makes a gun shape with her fingers and "fires") Coffee.
Pretend Coffee.
***
EMILY: Daddy, now you make a wish.
DADDY: ( who looks suspiciously like Skinner)
Okay.
I wish I had some hair.
EMILY: That's enough wishing for tonight.
***
EMILY( to her dad): Here. Take this
(a piece of toilet paper). Call me if you need help.
DADDY( putting wad of toilet paper to his
ear): Help, help! My computer has crashed!
EMILY(affecting a customer service voice):
Are you pushing the talk button?
DADDY: Yes.
EMILY: Are you pushing the talk button?
DADDY: Yes! Help help! My computer has crashed!
EMILY: Sir, did it crash on the road?
DADDY: No, it crashed on the desk.
EMILY: Okay then, sir, I'll come right
over and fix it with my tools."
***
Emily pooped in her pants for the second time
today. "No, I didn't!" she insists.
"Yes, you did!" says her frustrated mom as
she pulls down Emily's pants.
"Where?" Emily looks over her shoulder to
see her butt and in doing so smears poop all over the toilet.
FRUSTRATED MOMMY: "Emily! Why do you keep pooping
in your pants? I don't."
EMILY: "Well, mommy, you are so much older. You
are sixteen years old."
FRUSTRATED MOMMY: "I'm a lot older than that."
EMILY (hand on hip): I know that. I am
three years old. I am NOT a child."
Frustrated Mommy bursts into hysterical laughter
and Emily runs away sobbing, thinking she has made her mommy cry.
***
Later, she got mad at her daddy and called
him a "mediocre player." She also told him that her favorite ghost
story was the one about the "blackass ghosts."
***
EMILY: (giggles wildly at no provocation)
MOMMY: Are you okay?
EMILY: (giggles) Don't worry, mommy. I
am not freaking out. (giggles) I am just laughing (giggles like
a mental patient) but I don't know why.
(Emily has mild pneumonia. She is taking a
cough syrup with Codeine.)
***
MOM(on the topic of giving up the pacifier):
You know what? Dora the Explorer doesn't use a binky.
EMILY: You know what? I don't care.
***
"Mommy, it's stinky. It smells like cat poop.
It smells like cat poop on a cat butt."
-visting an ethnic market last weekend.
***
"I am soooo popular!"
-while modeling her new flip-up plastic sunglasses.
***
"He's dead; he needs to eat something."
-on a deceased butterfly.
***
"That's it! I am tired of hearing you say things
like 'stupid!', 'you bastard!', and 'oh god damn it!' You are in time out
in
this car! You need to learn to say nice things
like 'please,' 'thank you,' 'I love you,' and 'oh, aren't the trees pretty?'"
-age 3
***
"You are the baby and I am the biiiig bitch.
And I have fire! Zzzzzzzzzzzzt!"