I'll skip the brunch invitation, but by all means, take me away to my fifteen seconds of Internet fame! (is fortune
involved somewhere here?)

I'm not gay, I'm just heterosexually-challenged.

Body-building - the ugly guy's ticket to the dating pool.

Nice body, mangled face.

Wisdom - the fruit of insomnia's labour.

What's new, exciting and unwholesomely fun in your life?

Piss off. And I say that in the nicest way possible.

Is this story gonna end in violence and social degradation?

That was slack. ... But such a good call.

Why do my attempts to broaden people's social horizons always end so badly?

But high-testosterone/low-brain cell moments are what makes it all worthwhile!

Did you know there's actual coke in Coke? It ain't just the sugar and the caffeine that gets you high, kids.

Why do people feel obliged to tell me their personal problems?

Hey, you gotta love me - I'm gay! Every straight woman needs a gay friend - it's trendy.

Excuse me, I'd like all eyes back on me now? Thank you.

I wasn't desperate for someone to talk to. I just wanted attention.

Hey, it's not hard to pick up on egotism and denial - I've got a Dummy's Guide I can lend you.

Stop being so melodramatic - that's my job.

For god's sake, don't get off the gloom-n-doom train. It'll do really unattractive things to your face, like smiles and
all that.

Oh! You mean it was one of those times when I was supposed to lie through my teeth while mustering up all the
sincerity that I could? I'm sorry, I'll try to keep up next time.

I like over there. Over there's where the food is.

That's it, no more sordid sexual favours behind the parking lot for you!

Don't worry, I'll find some other demeaning role for you.

The mangled remains of the English language are at stake here! What will future generations of schoolchildren be
forced to learn if we take that away?

Pfft. Thinking - who needs it?

Are you attempting to intimidate me with big words again?

Sorry, did I just make a snide, judgmental remark on someone I barely knew? My bad. Gotta curb that urge...

You're right, I can no longer use ambition to cloak my lack of any real talent. I might as well face the fact that it's
the life of a check-out chick for me...

You're demanding, abusive and high-maintenance... Teach me your ways!

Don't be afraid to leave the house. Switch off the computer and breathe in the fresh air. Stare at the sun for a while.
That sort of thing.

The world obviously revolves around me, and it's about time everyone recognised that.

Love doesn't make the world go 'round - Microsoft and laughter does.

Ah, Hollywood, constantly giving birth to successfully disappointing, plot-less ego-boosters for movie stars.

Is that a K-Mart bag I see? Quick, someone get me a restraining order!