Niles: It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche. I don't know what to call it exactly...
Frasier: The words 'crazy glue' leap to mind.

"Taylor.  Fletcher.  Cooper.  Tanner?  Where are you getting these names, the Big Book of Medieval Professions?" -Niles

Niles: Do we really have to use so many musicians?
Frasier: For the sound I want, yes.
  Niles: Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?
Frasier: Ah, but if less is more, just think of how much more "more" will be.

"Then came Lilith, and if I knew then what I know now, I would have walked down the aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold". - Frasier, on his marital track record

Frasier: Roz.  It's Frasier.
   Roz: Where are you?
Frasier: I'm in Cassandra's hotel room.  She invited me up here after dinner.  I'm just not sure what it means.
    Roz: What it means?  What it means is that even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.
Frasier: I'm still getting a lot of conflicting signals here. You see, maybe she just invited me up here to talk business. I just wish I could get one clear, unambiguous sign.
Cassandra comes out in a robe, Frasier hides the phone behind him.
Cassandra: Oh, I just had to get out of that dress.
  Frasier: Oh, here's your brandy.
They clink their glasses and drink.
Cassandra: I'll just go dry my hair.
She heads off again.
Frasier: Roz, I'm back.
    Roz: She ditched her dress and she's hitting the sauce.  What do you need, runway lights on the mattress?

Frasier: My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

Martin: Boy, you and Niles have been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two decoupage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house that was one embarrassing garage sale.

Ironic, isn't it. No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.
--Lilith,

"I have to go. I'm conducting a seminar in multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the nametags."
- Niles Crane

Bulldog, (pretending to be caller Mac): Well, mate, it like your Shelia said. I work with a real yobbo. He goes on and on about things nobody gives a billabong about just to show off how smart he is.
Frasier: Well, you have my sympathy, there's nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition. My advice to you is to simply avoid him. Is that possible?
Bulldog: Not really, you bloody wallaby! You're on right before me! Stay tuned for the Bulldog.
Frasier: Well, that's one on me, or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice wooden horse, of course I'll sign for it!"

Sherry: I love making people laugh. To me humour is like medicine.
Niles: Guess we must be in the placebo group
'Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine

Sherry to Niles: I understand you're separated.
Niles: Yes.
Sherry: Get right back in the saddle. My Mum always used to say to me, "Honey, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone." Well, Momma had lots of sayings like that.
Niles: I didn't know Mae West had children.
 'Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine

Frasier: Well, not all of it's true. He did take some literary license.
Daphne: Oh, then you're not really able to bring a woman to hidden realms of ecstasy with your panther-like prowess?
Frasier: Well that part he got right!

Tom: Does this mean your dad's not gay either?
Frasier: No, no, Dad's not gay.
Tom: But Niles, c'mon!
Frasier: I'm afraid not.
Tom: So wait a minute. This Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman?
Frasier: Well, the jury's still out on that one.

Daphne: You know there's nothing we Brits like better than a grisly murder and a nice hot cup of tea.

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