HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JASON
 

"Hey, Scully, have a look at this."

"What am I looking at?"

"Fan fiction.  Slash fan fiction, actually.  To be absolutely precise, half-finished slash fan fiction by one "Ed Delicious.""

"And?"

"And what?"

"And what do you hope to accomplish by reading fan fiction, Mulder?  I mean, chasing down the slimmest of leads based on convoluted half-truths dolled out like Scooby snacks by shadowy informants named after Watergate and/or soft core porn stars I understand.  But if you're suggesting that the answers to your single-minded pursuit of the truth can be gleaned from surfing the internet for homosexual romance stories about yourself based on little more than a few tears, some soulful glances and a pair of red Speedos, well, Mulder, there are hits and there are misses, and then there are misses…"

"He's got you wearing peach chiffon, Scully."

"What? Let me see that!"

"Hey, he must know something we don't.  I haven't seen you in anything that wasn't severely man-cut or navy since season 4, but Ed here certainly makes a compelling case for the addition of peach chiffon to your wardrobe."

"Mulder, shut up!  Besides, he seems to spend an inordinate amount of time and words-per-minute on your "assets", as it were, in formal dress as well.  Should I order your tux now, or later?"

"He has to fawn over me.  It's like a universal invariant in the science of X-Files fan fiction.  In order to write anything resembling a convincing story, the writer must first be consumed by an unspoken, but fervent and slavish love for, well, not to put too fine a point on it, me."

"Mulder, now I'm not one who generally reads a lot of this sort of thing, and even if I did, I would have to argue that point."

"Without sounding too self-righteous and narcissistic, Scully, have you seen the way these writers worship everything I do?  If I was half as smart, sexy, funny, big-"

"Mulder!"

"Well, it's obviously love."

"First of all, Mulder, might I point out that there are currently three, not just one, but three sites solely devoted to torturing you physically, mentally and emotionally, with everything from harsh words to cattle-breeding anal tasers-"

"Well, yeah, but they only do it so that I can receive comfort…"

"And second of all, one word, Mulder: Xanthe."

"Lots and lots of comfort."

"So, before I prove you wrong again, which is my greatest joy in life, tell me what's so special about Ed Delicious that I had to see this story."

"You mean aside from the peach chiffon and the fact that it's only half done?"

"Besides that."

"It just doesn't seem to fit the profile of other stories we've seen like this."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it starts out fine.  Walter's point of view is a favorite, and he seems to be hinting at our intense though secretive relationship, with just a touch of canon thrown in to keep the hardcore fans happy, but-"

"But what?"

"But his description of Walter just doesn't add up.  I can't tell if he's supposed to be my lover, or my grandfather."

"Well, look here, Mulder.  He's admiring you.  And if that's the kind of thoughts your grandfather was having about you, I can see why you needed so much hypnotic regression therapy."

"…"

"I like his descriptions. He's very detailed.  I know a little about writing, and I think he's very good."

"Then there's the way that every time there's the potential for a little slash, he wanders off into another three page description of the Lone Gunmen.  Now, don't get me wrong, I like the guys and everything, but aren't I supposed to be the focus here?"

"I suppose you consider yourself purposeful and single-minded when you say things like that Mulder, but I think it sounds suspiciously paramasturbatory."

"Paramasturbatory?"

"I'm thinking this seems to flow nicely, and the descriptions are very well done and eww!!"

"What? Did I miss some torture?"

"No, but I never want to read another word about Frohike's eating habits!  Ever!"

"You're one to talk, Miss Lowfat-Tofutti-Rice-Dreamsicle!"

"All right, enough.  So, you think this should be more PWP? Don't you think there's already enough of that on the net?  Or am I to assume by that downcast expression that you just don't think this piece is Muldercentric enough for you?  Well, Mulder, I think I've figured out the secret of Ed Delicious, and it's not an X-File."

"Well, I won't sit idly by while you hurl some scientifically accurate theory at me as to the genetic makeup of Ed Delicious, or show me a file in your desk that debunks the work I'm doing here-"

"If I had a desk."

"Scully…Dana…"

"Mulder, Ed Delicious is not in love with you."

"What?"

"It's obvious that he enjoys what he's doing, but you don't need to be a doctor to figure out that he's not as enamoured of you as the rest of them are.  If he was going to be lusting after anyone, I'd have to say he's more interested in Walter than in you-"

"But-"

"But nothing.  The bottom line here is, if he's writing from Walter's pov, then it's plausible that he just admires your boyfriend, but doesn't necessarily want to picture him naked.  If he's segueing into Lone Gunmen descriptions, then it's plausible that he's looking forward to the new series.  What I find fantastic is the notion that anyone who puts pen to paper is doing so out of simple lust for you.  The truth is out there, Mulder, you just have to know where to look."

"That's why they put the F in fanfic."

"Mulder, look at the time.  Aren't you supposed to be in a meeting in Skinner's office?"

"Hell, I'm late!  I was supposed to be under his desk ten minutes ago.  I hope he didn't start without me."

"At least I know you're ditching me this time for a good reason."

"Later, Scully."

"Mmm…let's see what else Ed has here…uh-huh…mmm…I do love that song…Oh my god- I think Ed Delicious is in love with ME!  Damn, we need more evidence…"

The End?