Happy f**king new year, muthaf**kers!! Okay, that felt good. Just to let all of you know, January is now officially cancelled. Next year, your 2003 X-Files Calendar will read November, December, February...That's just how it's going to be, so ___, ___ and ___, just move your birthdays. Hell, with no money, I probably can't get you all gifts until f**king April anyway, so there ya go.

My pipes burst in the bedroom on New Year's day, and we're still working on fixing the problem...sucks to be me. Luckily nothing was damaged except one bookshelf, which is a swollen pressboard mess--it's history...The carpet guys were retarded, the underlay guy more so, and here it is 6 days later, and they're still not done the f**king job. Whassup with that? I've been so stressed...

Add to that the fact that I don't have enough money to pay my bills, that I got a toy for Christmas that I haven't got the first f**king clue how to use--I write slash for f**ks sake, not to mention the fact that I haven't done the nasty with anyone but myself in five f**king years--sheesh...I mean, you're talking to someone who flinches at being touched, man, never mind stuffing 20 cm of firm pink jelly up my hoop!!!!

Did I mention the guy who gave me said 20 cm.? No. Probably a good thing. What the hell am I supposed to do about that...Oh, look, second straight guy in 36 years to even look at me, so of course the friends all have to be down on him...happened last time, too...so no big surprise there.  Like a lot of things about him...don't like alot of things about him...Don't know what he wants, expects, needs...Never mind what I want--nothing. Never mind what I expect--rejection. And don't even get me started on my needs--I mean, they are totally f**ked up, you know? On the one hand, the whole ear thing was terrific, but I didn't need any more... it was more fulfilling emotionally than physically. And then there's all the evasive manuevers. I mean, on that other hand, I was really enjoying myself, but then again, a small part of me--small but damned loud--was screaming, wailing, freaking out!!! Like, don't touch me--it Burns!!! as a certain drag queen would say...I don't know what to do...

I can't cope with real people...my brain aches just trying to think about what I'm going to wear tomorrow, never mind the fact that my brother is still dead five years later, and don't get me started on that. Or what about my friend ___, whose brother needs an intervention before he kills himself? Or ___, who makes me want to cry most of the time these days, and makes my shoulders ache too!! Was having a good time, sort of, with ___, but now with school and work and ___, not so much...

But then there's ___, who is rocking my world on a daily basis, and whom I would gladly saw my own right arm off for at this point--___ reference was purely unintentional. He "talked" to me for 3 hours on Thurs., and gave me the only strength I had for the next day--I really was at wit's end...and by wit's end I mean can I just go to sleep?

I got a phone # from ___...hoo, boy, the next level. I don't know what to do about that...I want to phone so badly, too badly. What if I'm a dork on the phone...what if he doesn't like me anymore...why am I even caring about this? It's not real!!! But it's the only reality I can cope with...I don't know what to do.

I lost 45 minutes yesterday putting my ___ figure into three point restraints...