U is for...
unicorn. Okay,
brief description (for that one guy who doesn't know what one is): Like
a horse, but more graceful, extinct or never existed beyond the realm of
fantasy, apparently, and having a horn growing out of it's head that may
or may not have magical healing properties; also, attracted to virgins,
if you believe the mythology.
Now the theory:
You know how
every single little girl, in their bid for womanhood (usually between the
ages of, oh, say 11-15) goes through the "pony" stage? You know, they want
to be cowgirls, or they collect horses in the form of pictures, china figurines,
toys, you name it. Every friend I had, female, around that age, did it.
My theory (not *the* theory, I'm getting to that) is that it's a sex thing.
I'm just sayin'....sleek, powerful, well hung, between your legs...as close
as little girls get to articulating that sort of thing, you know?
Okay, the
real theory:
I was a unicorn
fan, hated horses. Still don't like the things, for that matter--too big,
too mean, too likely to do bodily damage to you (yeah, I'm surprised being
forced to go horseback riding at 12 and getting scraped off the back of
a horse twice my height didn't make it to my therapy sessions *L*). Anyway,
I digress....So, in the course of growing up, discovering boys, doing all
those normal girly things, we also discovered that Michele is only attracted
to gay boys. Like gaydar gone wonky. Hmmm...
What's that
got to do with bloody unicorns, you ask? I'm gettin' there....
Okay, unicorns.
Think about it. Okay, I'll break it down. Girls love horses, girls start
dating boys, girls get married, live happily ever yada yada yada.
Now, unicorns...what
are they again? Oh yeah, like horses, but more graceful, more beautiful,
and since they are fantasy figures, it's not likely that you're ever going
to get one for your birthday....
See the connection?
Well, that's
one theory, anyway....
"You've got
your green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty-back
camels and your chimpanzees,
Your cats
and rats and elephants but sure as you're born
You just won't
see no unicorns...."