Kenny Craig [hypnotist]: Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes. You're under!

Andy Pipkin: I want that one.

Vicky Pollard: Stop giving me evils!

Emily Howard: But I am a lady!

Scottish Guy: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not

Marjorie Dawes: Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like.

Social Worker: Vicky, where is your baby?
Vicky Pollard: Swapped it for a Westlife CD.
Social Worker: Vicky, how could you do such a thing?
Vicky Pollard: I know. They're rubbish.

Carol Beer: Computer says no.

Anne: Eh-eh-ehhhhhh!

Daffyd: I am the only gay in the village

Bus Conductor: Look, I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket you're gonna have to get off.
Vicky Pollard: Oh, my God! That is so unfair! This is like, well sexual harassment! If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so? God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.

Police Officer: You do know it's an offence to waste police time?
Vicky Pollard: No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I'm not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec'.

Narrator: Of course, not the real Prime Minister, it's that guy from Buffy...

Myfanwy: Daffyd Thomas, you bloody fool! You could have had a bit of cock there.