Ducky: "Well, now that you mention it, I did have a great uncle who drowned in a vat of alcohol."
McGee: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
Ducky: "Of course he reportedly climbed out three times to go to the bathroom."

Tony: Yeah, I'll get that APB out on the lollipop guild.

Gibbs: What can you tell me about the voice?
Abby: It sounds like a particle physicist that I used to date. He had this tiny little chicklet like teeth and an Eiffel tower tattoo.

McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva: How do you know?
McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.

Abby: I have good news and I have bad news Gibbs, the good news is I'm still cute....


Abby: I love it when you talk geek.
McGee: I love it that you love it.

Kate: Can't you tell when somebody's kidding with you, McGee?
McGee: I used to and then I met you guys.

Tony: "Suddenly I'm not feeling very homelandy or security."

Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress.
Kate: Tony would look cute.
Gibbs: No. He's off interviewing the victim's parents.
Kate: Well, McGee then.
Gibbs: No, he's with Tony.
Kate: Abby.
Gibbs: No, up to her tatts in forensic tests.
Kate: Well, what about you? (Gibbs gives her a look) You won't have to wear the dress.

Gibbs: Are you done?
Tony: Almost.
Gibbs: Done or fired. Those are your options.
Tony: Done.

Abby: I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.

Gibbs: "Tony..."
Tony: "Yeah?"
Gibbs: "Go lie down before you pass out."
Tony: "I'm not going to pass out. I might cry a little, maybe feel sorry for myself, but DiNozzos do not pass out! I'm comin' Boss."

Tony: There was a charge on my credit card for a vintage barbie doll; career girl outfit?
McGee: Oh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
Tony: ...?!
McGee: I had a girlfirend who collected once. We used to- ...We'd line 'em up on the-
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word "pumps"...

Tony: This is really sick. Stephen King would love it.



Kate: "Most people tend to their personal hygiene at home."
Tony: "This bothers you?"
Kate: "No, what bothers me is that it doesn't bother me anymore."
Tony: "I'm an acquired taste."
McGee: "Actually, it's more like the Stockholm Syndrome. The emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage as a result of continuous stress and a need to cooperate for survival."

Kate: The only thing running in your blood, Tony, is cholesterol. And possibly Chlamydia.
Tony: It’s curable.

Kate: He does have experience with cybersex.
Gibbs: Yeah? That true DiNozzo?
Tony: I think what Kate meant to say was that I met a very nice girl online once.
Gibbs: Yeah. What was her name?
Tony: Names aren’t that important. Hotjugs24. But I think she meant it as a metaphor.


Tony: I'd show you the secret handshake, but then I would have to kill you.