I am writing this early, in case I don't have time for updates later tonight, so there'll be no X-update here. Suffice it to say, though, for that hour last Sunday, everyone in the room ceased to exist. It was just Walter and I and the rest of the gang, and it rocked my world on nineteen different levels. Just the credits would have been enough...Don't even get me started on the jumping four steps at once thing. Yikes. What can I say--good thing I scotchguarded.

Chat rocks my world. Everyone is so fascinating. I am especially intrigued with ___ for so many reasons. I would love to know what both he and ___ look like. I have an image in my head, which is undoubtedly totally wrong, but you never know. Am totally curious about the S/D thing too. No frame of reference here. None. Zip. Nada. I don't quite get it, although I get a chill every time I hear "yes sir", so that must mean something. I guess it's all about NOT being a pain pig. I dunno, it's wierd...

I still have some beta to do for ___, but I'll get to it. It's the wee hours of the morning, too early to be up and too late to go to sleep. Brunch is at noon at the Plains, of course. I assume ___ will be there. ___ and ___ too, and who knows who else. Every weekend is an adventure. ___ will be there. I will call ___, as I didn't really get a chance to ask him, and he and ___ never say goodbye when they leave.

I wish ___ could come and visit me. He'd probably think I was a total loser, though. Not that I am, but my life is so profoundly different from anything you could imagine, that I can't even explain it to myself most days, let alone anyone else. And it hits me in the wierdest ways. I think about all the roads not taken, alot, although I remind myself that all roads lead to this place (___ said so, so it must be true ha ha) and that I would have wound up here anyway. And it's not that I am unhappy. Unfulfilled a little, maybe, I dunno. I think about husbands and kids sometimes, although admittedly not very damned often. I can't imagine myself in that role at all. Conversely, I think about dying alone in a rented apartment with nothing to show for myself but a DVD player and every episode of X-files, and that makes me a little sad sometimes. Ah, but I suppose there'll always be someone who needs a cup of coffee. I am closer to death than to birth now, though...

How deep, how profound, how fucking maudlin! Whatever, Mary!

The Episode 2 "breathing trailer" kicks fucking ass! Holy shit is it cool!! Did I mention that ___ is a big SW fan too? I swear we were cloned from the same egg or something. Our likes and dislikes are totally similar. Except for that straight guy thing... Wow, there's a whole new crop of neurosis just waiting to be harvested. I think we'll just leave those thoughts down south where they belong. Oh, but if you're reading this, ___, know that you are very important to me, and I hope we get to have a cup of raspberry chocolate coffee together sometime. Oh, and ___, if you are reading this, it won't be from Starbucks, no matter how much leather you wear, or how much glycerin ___ puts in his eyes!!!

I could go on--I'm not proud...or tired...But I'll go for now with this last thought. ___, I want a backrub. And it's all new X again tonight. How excited am I?

Nuff said...