Talked to ___ yesterday.  It was his birthday.  I felt like I had been hit by a truck afterwards.  I just felt so resigned- like I wanted to talk to him despite the fact that I don't ever want to talk to him ever again.  It's a mass of contradictions.
Maybe I'm angry.  ___ says that anger will come-it has to.  I don't know.  Maybe I feel anger and don't know it because I still don't know what anger is, let alone how to express it.  I mean, I was angry at ___ last night for being so slow and holding up drive thru, but I don't think it's the same as the negative feelings I've had for ___.  They have been there, and sometimes I feel guilty for them, as guilty as I feel when I defend him-
As a good friend once said, "I hate this."
So, in two years, where exactly have I come?