Carson: I said walk. Not... march like a weird little troll.

Carson: It's glitterous. You know what that rhymes with.

Ted: I'm sensing kind of an alcohol situation here. And botulism.

Thom: That had nothing to do with me! I had nothing to do with a spark in his pants!

Ted: One of the first illustrations that your refrigerator needs some adjustment is when your milk transitions from a liquid to a solid.

Ted: You know if you take some dried-up pepper and a beer. Cuisinart? pause I got nothing.

Ted: I hope he doesn't rush too much shucking the oysters or he might shuck his hand off. That would be a shucking tragedy.

Carson: Gin makes people happy.

Carson: There's no "I" in team.
Mark: No.
Carson: There is an "M" and an "E" though.

TED:"Life is too short to drink cheap booze."

CARSON: Ted's not wearing his glasses.
TED: It's true. I couldn't see for the entire episode.
CARSON: That's why you were wearing that shirt.

CARSON: I love the way he works the stick of butter. It's kind of getting me heated up.

CARSON: Rimming it does help it rise, I've found.

TED: Give the man a moment. He's garnishing for gods sake!

CARSON: My mother used to say, "Only whores and children wear red shoes".

TED singing: You came into my life, and my world never looked so bright. Something something something, something something something.
THOM: It's better when she does it, somehow.

 This place, um... It looks actually like you're nuts. I mean, seriously, if you weren't here to represent yourself and I saw this place, I'd be like "Okay, we found him. Call the police."
THOM

It's 1984. They want their decorations back.
THOM

 I said walk. Not... march like a weird little troll.
CARSON

Watching Alan pour Katie's dad a drink.
KYAN: Oh my goodness. 2/3 gin, 1/3 tonic.
TED: What's wrong with that?
CARSON: Mom's going to be taking her top off any minute now.

CARSON: Gin makes people happy.

 I'm sensing kind of an alcohol situation here. And botulism.
TED

 I don't remember ever getting drunk here.
CARSON, after finding a pair of women's underwear

TED,grabbing JAI to face the camera: What are you eating?
JAI: Cake.
TED: And whose cake is it, Jai?
JAI, embarassed: The straight people's.

AYANA: The vagina is leaving the building.
THOM: No, we still have Jai.

Love you more than my luggage!
CARSON

 Hi, Peanut! Your boyfriend has been upstairs working on my last gay nerve.
CARSON

John is uncomfortable in a Speedo next to a gay guy: I mean, this is gay over here. But what's gay about that over there?
KYAN

 You look like a million dollars. Canadian dollars, but a million dollars.
CARSON

If I stole my mother's furniture, I would never ever have a chance of getting laid.
THOM

One of the first illustrations that your refrigerator needs some adjustment is when your milk transitions from a liquid to a solid.
TED

 Even Bon Jovi knew when the moment was over.
KYAN, on George's hair

Ted: I hope he doesn't rush too much shucking the oysters or he might shuck his hand off. That would be a shucking tragedy.
TED

We can't get rid of the rug. This is where his wife gave birth to his first daughter.
THOM,  examining a large stain on the rug

Are you involved in law enforcement or is this some kind of a kink thing?
TED, holding up handcuffs

Thom is wearing pink wings
JAI: Those wings make your ass look fierce.
THOM: Don't it though? Do these wings make my ass look big?

 I know all about good blow jobs, and this isn't it.
KYAN

TOM M: And I'm going to have a sushi buffet...
CARSON: Sushi Buffet. That sounds like a drag queen.

BUTCH: referring to his sleeves I like 'em straight.
CARSON: I like 'em straight, too, but it usually doesn't work.

"Am I a pretty princess?"
-Carson

"Say goodbye to the old Jan Brady."
-Carson

"It's slutty hair."
-Kyan

"Nine out of ten auto accidents are caused by jeujing."
-Carson

KYAN: Steven!
STEVEN: Mother?

"We made a girl shake for the first time...ever!"
-Ted

CARSON: "Do you know any gay people?"
VICTIM: "Yeah, Dawn down the hall."
CARSON: "Dawn? Dawn the lesbian? I know her! Does she play softball?"

"Somewhere in Omaha there's a rave missing a shirt."
-Carson

 "You're kinda like..... not George Strait but George Gay."
-Carson (to Kyan holding a guitar)

VICTIM: "People tell me I look like Keanu Reeves."
CARSON: "People tell me I look like Ellen DeGeneres."

"What does Tina have that I don't have? Besides a working vagina."
-Carson

Ted: I don't think you're a size 6.
Carson: Damn it! Now I'll never be a teen model!

Ted: There was talk that his onstage style resembled Liberace.
Carson: Then it's fine, I don't even know why I'm here.

Thom: Hey, it's getting better!
Carson: No, we're getting drunker!

"This screams woman's correctional facility!"
-Carson

"He's drizzling with the best of them."
-Ted

"Nose hair is one of those things that's just never the right answer."
-Kyan

"She so wants to sleep with him, she can't see straight!"
-Thom

"Do you buy all your clothing at the Home Depot?"
-Carson

"Oh my God! I broke the wall...I'm not sure it matters."
-Jai

"I think there was a car accident--I see skid marks!"
-Carson

"You know, I was always the last kid picked in gym class. It was like, 'We'll take Sharon, and we'll take the girl in the iron lung, and you can have Carson!'"
-Carson

"Bye-bye! Come back pretty!"
-Jai

"Was it soy sauce, or boy sauce. I can't remember."
-Carson

"I used to have hair just like yours. I also used to be named Louise and live in Germany."
-Carson

"You put a living room where the crack den used to be!"
-Carson

"1-800 Alarm me!"
-Carson

"Here's your fancy shoes, your less fancy shoes, and your tissues."
-Thom

"I just really came here for the liquor."
-Carson

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