Things I Would Do If My Name Were
“Benedict Cumberbatch”
Jan. 26, 2012 By
Gaby Dunn
Benedict Cumberbatch is the star of the BBC show Sherlock
and also of this one reoccurring dream I have where we ride unicorns
off into the rainbow mist and make out under a shooting star.
The hilarious Meghan O’Keefe of the Huffington Post referred to this
sweeping Cumberbatch panty-twisting fever as a full-on situation.
It is. Tumblr can barely contain itself from gif-ing his every
expression and witticism. We’re in the middle of a glorious Internet
Cumberbatch revolution.
But more than the dulcet tones of his caramel voice or his razor
sharp Tilda Swinton cheekbones, Benedict Cumberbatch has a really funny
name. It’s memorable, it’s ridiculous, I can’t get enough of hearing
it. Here are some things I would do, if Benedict Cumberbatch was my
name:
- Open a trendy bakery called “Benedict’s Cumber-Batches of
Crumpets.”
- Found an independent security firm called “The Cumberwatch.”
- Order a complicated coffee drink at Starbucks and give the poor
barista my full name to call out.
- Tell people I was in Harry Potter…as myself.
- Yell my own name whenever I sneeze or say “Benedict Cumberbatch
you” to someone else who’s sneezed.
- Name my firstborn child “Quidditch Cumberbatch.”
- Start a rumor that if you say my name three times in a row while
looking into a darkened mirror, I show up at your house.
- Check out library books and write my name in all of them with a
different year ranging from 1860 to present day.
- Whenever someone calls anything “cumbersome,” punch them in the
face and yell, “Cumbersome? Cumber-all! Cumberbatch!”
- Instead of asking the time, walk around asking people what
year it is. Then say, “Sorry. My name is Benedict Cumberbatch:
Worldclass Time Traveler.” Then, run away flailing.
- Seal every envelope with the red wax seal of the
Cumberbatch crest: an eagle holding a Union Jack in one hand and giving
the middle finger with the other.
- Marry someone with the last name “Batchcumber” who wants to
hyphenate.
- Insult people by calling them “a real Benedick
Cumbersnatch.”
- Phone a big-time law firm and leave a very important, time
sensitive message with an assistant. Hang up before I can spell my name
for them.
- Become a chef specializing only in a specific type of
breakfast eggs.
- Stab someone in the back and pretend I don’t understand the
irony.
- Open a novelty store where I only sell Victorian era
portraits with my own name scrawled across the faces in Comic Sans MS.
- Buy a pet falcon and name him “Benedict Cumberscratch.”
- Hook up with a stranger and refer to my own pubes as “The
Benethick Cumberthatch.”
- Run for prime minister.
- Shout ‘YOU JUST GOT CUMBERBATCHED, BITCH’ whenever I win an
argument.
- Become a famous actor. Force everyone to say my name all
the time.
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