THE SIMPSONS

"The truth is *not* out there..."
Bart at the chalkboard

Fidel Castro: They named a street after me in San Fransisco... [whisper whisper] It's full of WHAT!?!?

Homer: "but marge it's uterUS not uterYOU"

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, then sold off piece by piece.

Lisa: [thinking] Uh oh. Should I laugh? Was that dry British wit, or subtle self-pity?

"Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."
- Homer Simpson

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman"
- Homer Simpson

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
- Homer Simpson

HOMER: 'That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.'
MARGE: 'She's not afraid of bunnies.'
HOMER(ominously): 'She will be.'

"Marge, you're embarrassing me in front of the drag queen!"
-Homer

"You look lovely, have you decreased in mass recently?"
        -Kang

"In quiet solitude, or blasting across the alkalii flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated... and he goes on like that..."
  Reverend Lovejoy

"Everything tastes better when it's lasso'd."
-Bart

"Give me that you noodle armed choir boy!"
- grounds keeper willy

LISA: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
HOMER: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation...

HOMER: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
VENDOR: We have crab juice and Mountain Dew.
HOMER: Eeewww. I'll have the crab juice!

"Hey Marge, look at me - I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from happy land who lives in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane ... In case you didn't realize, I was being sarcastic."
-Homer

HOMER [When the house is on fire]: When a fire starts to burn there's a lesson you must learn, something-something then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe, D'oh!

LISA: 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
HOMER [Thinking]: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid...Takes one to know one...Swish.

 "My hotdog has a first name, its h-o-m-e-r, my hotdog has a second name, its h-o-m-e-r!
-Homer

 "Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!"
-Homer

 “I’m worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa’s becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.”
-Marge

 He's so self-centered. He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays - both religious and secular - he chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes. He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle. He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep he makes chewing noises. When he wakes up he makes honking noises. Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it. Oh no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long ... and yellow.
-Marge

"Welcome to the nether regions of the soul"
-Bart

"I'm sorta like Jesus, in a non-sacriligious way"
 -Homer

"I am not a 32-year old woman"
  -Bart at the chalkboard

"Dear Lisa, Psyche! ... Psyche! Psyche! Psyche!"
  -Bart

"They are laughing at me, not with me"
-Bart at the chalkboard

"I have more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined"
-Homer

"A small group of settlers left Maryland after misinterpreting a passage in the bible, their destination: New Sodom"
  -Educational Film

"I will not call my teacher 'hot cakes' "
-Bart at the chalkboard

"I will not fake my way through life"
-Bart at the chalkboard

"I have misplaced my pants"
 -Homer

"There it is guys, my magic bat!"
"I've got a magic bat too."
"And I've got an enchanted jockstrap!"
        -Homer, Lenny, and Carl

"Can't win, don't try"
        -Bart

"It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited."
        -Ken Griffith Jr.

"Ah... sweet nourishing gruel!"
        -Martin

"It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are finally on TV!"
        -Homer

CHIEF WIGGUM:They're easier to beat than a prisoner in shackles
LOU:It's pretty easy to beat a prisoner in shackles chief
CHIEF WIGGUM:That's the joke Lou, about their easy beatability

"Why I ought to club them and eat their bones!"
                -Mr. Burns

"It's just me and you now lock of hair"
                -Homer

"Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!"
                -Uder

"Would you like another lick of my flavour bar?"
                -Uder

"He's a love machine sir."
                -Smithers

"Coma? Bah, Why I go in and out of coma's...... French toast please!"
                -Grampa Simpson

"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"
                -Mayor Quimby

"His jiggling is almost hypnotic..."
                -Fox Mulder

LENNY:It's bringing us love, don't let it get away!
CARL:Quick break it's legs!

"I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus."
                -Homer Simpson on Heaven

"People, people, I realise we're all frightened and horny."
                -Mayor Quimby

"This sidewalk's for regular walking, not your fancy walking!"
                -Jasper, The Simpsons

"He took over in a bloodless coupe... all smothering."
                -Kitenge, The Simpsons

"We must move forward not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling twirling whirling towards freedom."
                -Citizen Kang

"Abortions for all...No abortions for anyone...Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others."
                -Citizen Kotos

"I am the Lizard Queen!"
                -Lisa Simpson

"Let's go crazy broadway style!"
                -Milhouse

"If baby Jesus got loose, he could really do some damage."
                -Ned Flanders

"Now my pants are chafing me."
                -Jimbo Jones

"Where'd I get my grenades at?"
                -Army Recruit

"When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him till he don't know whats what"
                -Lenny

"I am the angel of death, the time of purification is at hand"
            -The Simpsons

"It used to be I'd party everyday, then it was every other day,  Now I find it hard to find half-an-hour in which to get funky"
                          -Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

"Oh, no, my boy bomb!"
-Sideshow Bob, The Simpsons

" I am not deliciously saucy"
-Bart Simpson at the Chalkboard

"I'm more striking than lovely."
-Bart Simpson

"You're right, Mo, you're always Mo."
-Homer, The Simpsons (Thanks, Curt)

"Shut up, that's why!"
-strange lady scientist, The Simpsons

"Christmas is a time when people of all religions come  together to celebrate Jesus Christ"
                   -Bart Simpson

"You blouse wear'n poodle walker"
                        -Groundskeeper Willy

"You guff speaking work-slacker"
                        -Principal Skinner

"You cheese-eating surrender-monkey"
                        -Groundskeeper Willy

"Television!, Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover."
                        -Homer Simpson

"Holy Flirking Shnit!"
                -Commander Kang

"I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink!"
                -Barnie Gumble

"I may be reeking of panda love, but I still have my dignity."
                -Homer Simpson

"I will send you to Heaven, before I send you to Hell!"
                -Bob Terwilliger aka Sideshow Bob

HOMER:"So whadda ya think of the book Marge? I'm thinking of calling it No Beer and No TV Make Homer something something..."
MARGE:"Go crazy?"
HOMER:"Don't mind if I do!"

"You never do a pout after a jiggy!"
                -N'Sync

"Mmm... sacrilicious..."
                -Homer Simpson

"How did you take your underwear off without taking off your pants?"
                -Lisa Simpson

"What did you do this weekend? Something gay no doubt?"
-Mr. Burns

"Oh you know, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town!"
                -Mr. Burns

"Kiss my hairy yellow butt!"
                -Homer Simpson

"Once you get used to the constant druggings this place isn't so bad..."
                -Marge Simpson