"They ain't love handles if nobody loves you."
"I didn't know myself till sophomore year. I was playing basketball, and, uh, Jay Barr and I went up for a rebound. Our stomachs touched, and, by the time I came down, I was gay."
"In this house, a queen beats a straight every time!"
"Stop writing on my bathroom wall. It took me three weeks to scrub off 'I heart mescalin'."
"I haven't seen him run like that since he wore Capezios in the Bronx."
"If this day gets any better by noon I should be rolling in glass."
"...or maybe it's because he sees the potential for a good long term relationship with me, instead of a good hour and a half with you."
"I hate us so hard right now."
"Hide the crucifixes, Beelzebooze is here."
"The new location will be one foot inside my fat pimply ass."
"Come on, Jack. I even got you a giant foam finger...now all you need is a giant foam prostate."
"Have you been gargling with bong water?"
"Ooh, it's the Notorious FAG!"
"Give Jack a fish and he'll eat for a day. *Teach* Jack to fish and he'll bring home a fisherman."
"I haven't seen a kiss that uncomfortable since Richard Gere and Jodie Foster in Summersby."
"Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay.... Dead people know you're gay."
"You know the old saying: If the hag hates you, the fag don't date you! "
"If I had to have sex with a woman it would be Hilary Swank. Or Tobey Maguire."
"I love you the way you love a cherished family pet. That you never want to sleep with."
"I get really straight when I'm angry."
"Your mother took the straps off of your bed twenty years too early."
"All my plants died. I told Jack to water them while I was gone. I can see how he might have heard that as "Fill up my hard-drive with internet porn."
Hey, brought you some more change. I tell you, you walk
down Columbus Avenue with two rolls of quarters in your pocket, you get
a lot of attention.