I ENJOY BEING A GIRL!
NEW THIS WEEK:
You can lead
a horticulture but you can't make her think.
-Dorothy Parker
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to
read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine
against a
wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else
starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy
Carter)
"The best husband for a woman is an archeologist. As she ages,
he gets more interested."
- Agatha Christie
"Sometimes I could just pure cry when I'm eatin' these desserts!"
-Paula Dean
"Happy bakin' to ya, and happy eatin'!"
-Paula Dean
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president,"
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"It makes you care about fish, and now it's hard for me to eat fish.
I hope in the next movie I play a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream!"
-Ellen Degeneres, on Finding Nemo
"I love Ewan McGregor. I'd like to eat his head."
-Carrie Fisher
"One nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about
other
people."
-Lucille S. Harper
"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow
knows
how to swim."
-Anne Landers
"If you can't be kind, at least be vague."
-Judith Martin
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a
slow learner."
-Lynda Montgomery
"And THAT, I suppose, was the cat dropping his dentures?"
--Agnes Moorehead hears a suit of armor falling downstairs in
The Bat.
"Lips that taste of tears, they say, are the
best
for kissing."
-Dorothy Parker
"What do people mean when they say the computer went
down
on them?"
-Marilyn Pittman
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach
you how to swim."
-Paula Poundstone
"I never exaggerate. I just remember big."
-Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
Trouble is part of your life — if you don't share it, you don't give
the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
-Dinah Shore
"When in doubt, let your horse do the thinkin'."
"A pair of six-shooters beats a pair of sixes."
-Belle Starr (1877 - Dodge City, Kansas)
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their
hair done in a library?"
-- Lily Tomlin
"If he has a 10 pound penis, you might be in trouble."
-Sue Johansen
"Call it a
clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever
you
call it, whoever you are, you need one."
- Jane Howard
"Narcissistic,
neurotic behavior deserves another mention, as it is the prime mover
behind
the highly lucrative self-help, New Age, fitness, psychoanalytic and
hair
care industries"
-Janeane
Garofalo
"He's high on God. He's cocky with Christ."
Janeane Garofalo on Jon Stewart, discussing
how at this point, a vote for Bush is a character flaw.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
with
all those flies and death and stuff,"
-Mariah Carey
"I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it
has
nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave
myself
the power to say
that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for
them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will
cease to be.
Because we are all what we choose. "
~ Margret Cho
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when
the
sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is
revealed
only if there is a light
from within.
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
"If they ever invent a vibrator that also takes out the garbage, I'm
quitting men altogether."
- Mara Purvis
" Like do I go to the place where you work and slap the dick out of
your mouth?!"
-Margaret Cho
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."
-Mae West (1893-1980)
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care
of themselves."
-Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small
minds
discuss people."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
"Give a man
a free hand and he'll run it all over you."
Mae West
"The
quickest
way to a man's heart is through his chest."
Roseanne Barr
"When I
eventually
met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
Rita Rudner
"Men should
be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable."
Cher
"Women are
like teabags. Only when they land in hot water do you realize their
strength."
-Eleanor
Roosevelt
"I'm tired
of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep
enough.
What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"
-Jean Kerr
"Inside every older woman is a young girl wondering what the hell
happened."
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy."
-Helen Hayes (at 73)
"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows."
-Janette Barber
"Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I
think
I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone."
-Jan King
"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse."
-Lily Tomlin
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a
car."
-Carrie Snow
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends."
-Laurie Kuslansky-
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being
hitting
my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
-Erma Bombeck
"Old age ain't no place for sissies."
-Bette Davis
"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't."
-Rhonda Hansome
"The phrase "working mother" . . . redundant."
-Jane Sellman
"Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the
windows."
-Jennifer Unlimited
"Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought
half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
-Charlotte Whitton
"Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your
body
starts falling apart."
-Caryn Leschen
"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack
me at once."
-Jennifer Unlimited
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a
horrible
warning."
-Catherine Aird
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not
dumb.. and I'm also not blonde."
-Dolly Parton
"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever
see
a smart woman with a dumb guy."
- Erica Jong
"If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them."
-Sue Grafton
"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on."
-Roseanne Barr
"I think---therefore I'm single."
-Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country."
-Elayne Boosler
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
-Maryon Pearson
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. if you want
anything
done, ask a woman."
-Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career."
-Gloria Steinem
"I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at
home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls
every
morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home
late every night."
-Marie Corelli
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
-Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
"I only like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign."
- Mae West
"There are only three ages for women in Hollywood -- Babe, District
Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy."
- Goldie Hawn
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
-Roseanne
"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
- Mae West
"Her pussy was soo good, if you threw it up in the air, it'd come
back
down in sunshine."
-Della Reese
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"The
statistics
on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from
some
form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're
okay,
then it's you."
- Rita Mae
Brown
"It's six in the morning. Don't give me compliments, give me coffee." Lucille Ball, in some movie with Bob Hope
" So I ask you if you are feeling sucidial, Could you wait until
Sarah
McLachlan plays here in a couple of years?"
-Tori Amos to a fan in the balcony before playing " Yes, Anastasia"
at her Chicago show