March madness

by Kree

It had been the worst of days. No. If I'm honest with myself, it had been the worst three days and each day only seemed to make things worse. The more I tried to analyze things, the more I'd back off.

Friends kept looking at me, asking if I was all right. I'd smile and assure them I was, and carry on with a gaiety I didn't feel. Across the room, I could see you smiling and laughing too. Why won't you notice? I need help and I don't know what I need help with and you're not even noticing. You flash a smile at me and I smile back and I'd back off.

One moment, we stood side by side.

"Hi."

You'd give me that wonderful smile and I'd know everything was only me and that somehow, someway, I'd fix things and it would all be all right.

"Hi yourself."

"We won't be here much longer okay?"

"That's fine with me. Whenever you're ready."

Then you kissed my forehead and I'd sigh. What an idiot I am. There's nothing wrong so why do I see things that aren't there?

So I smile at you, open my mouth because I need so bad to say how things are churning inside me and then you'd turn your head because someone called your name. Sighing, I'd back off.

The night went the same as many others recently. Nothing spectacular. Nothing wrong. Just me with insecurities I don't understand and sure as hell can't figure out how to handle. You kissed me goodnight and left for your own apartment and I stood leaning with my back against my closed door.

How much time had I spent upside down over your lap listening to one word repeated over and over and over. Think! Think before you speak.

Well I'm thinking and thinking doesn't help. Not this time. How do you think to solve a problem when you don't know what the problem is? And thinking doesn't make the confusion go away. It only makes it worse, so I back off.

The days followed and although incidents didn't make things worse, nothing made things better either. Looking around at work and later at friends' houses, I watch the faces of the people I've come to know so well. How is it that they can carry on their lives and not have a myriad of thoughts and unanswered questions and worries running through their heads? What have they learned that I still don't understand?

Walking closer to you, I touch your sleeve softly. I can't handle this alone anymore. I don't know what's wrong and I can't keep pretending nothing is. You look at me with that grin on your face and start telling me the most wonderful thing that happened to you today. I keep quiet with my questions and I backed off.

The days pass further and the guilt starts to settle in my chest. How many times had I spent, my naked bottom turning brighter as you explained again and again how not to hold things in? I peek at you across the room. It's not fair to you not to say that I'm in trouble with my own mind. But I see you smiling as you're engrossed in a conversation and I back off.

My head starts to spin easier and more often these days. My answers to questions, sharp and sassy. Why can't anyone see? Don't they understand? I have to find what's wrong and I have to fix it and I can't do that with every one around me being so sure of themselves, so damned content!

Now I have this sense of . of what? I watch and I listen and I try my best not to snap or be rude. Think before you speak. I think carefully and I make sure no one knows something is wrong. I get lots of smiles back at me so I must be doing a good job. Then the questions swirl in my head, my dizziness returns and I almost get to the point where I want to scream in the center of a crowded room, stamp my feet and throw a chair in my frustration.

But I hear the laughter as everyone is satisfied with themselves and I back off.

So where did this complex come from? Where did it start? Why am I working so hard to hide things when I don't even know what I'm hiding? But they're my friends. Shouldn't they see it? Can't they tell? No. I'm getting too good at pretending.

I sit staring at the floor, forgetting that I don't want anyone to see my mind is confused with questions. When I glance up, my eyes meet yours and one eyebrow is raised. I smile at you. I don't want you to see. How do I explain what I don't understand?

I stand and move through the crowd of friends, smiling here, chatting there. Each time I glance at you, I see you keeping an eye on me. Shit! Don't ask me. Please? I don't know what to explain. I'd rather just back off.

Walking home that night, we hold hands and the silence between us feels warm and right. I see you glance at me in a way that shows I'm not supposed to know but I saw it and my eyes water. You'll be asking questions as soon as we reach my apartment and I don't know what to tell you. I keep rehearsing things in my mind, explanations, reasons, and excuses. None of them true. None of them sounding right at all. Oh please! Just let me back off one more time? Please?

I hold my breath. The questions will start soon and I know that as I push the key into the lock. I'm almost in tears as I slide the door open and walk inside. What will I say? How the hell do I explain what I don't know?

I take a deep breath and turned to you. Let's get this over with. I'll make up something, anything based on what you ask me. So start asking and then I'll wait and see.

But you don't speak. Your eyes move quickly as you search my face, as if asking me questions only using your mind and analyzing what you find. I open my mouth to say something, then close it up real fast. I've gotten good at backing off and it's easy to do now.

No words are spoken as you reach forward and hold me in your arms. That's the final straw. I burst into tears and hold on to you as tight as I can, as if crying will end this dilemma I'm facing alone.

You let me finish crying. I hold on tight, almost tired now, a small freedom working its way into the tightness my chest has known for weeks now. I can feel you rocking me, your hand running softly down the back of my head and small sounds coming from your mouth. You let go of me only to hold one shoulder and to take your other hand to gently lift my chin. My swollen eyes rise until they are staring into yours and I see your wonderful smile.

"Sometimes, just sometimes, there's no rhyme or reason. Only a need. Okay?"

I nod, more confused now than I ever was. I don't understand. I can hear him trying to help and trying to tell me something but what? What is he trying to say? WHAT?

I heard your soft laugh as you watch my face, obviously telling you I'm worse now that you've spoken then I was when I could back off.

"Its all right. I know you don't understand now. But you will."

I nodded and you kissed me, then took my hand and walked to the kitchen, pulling out one of the chairs so you could sit. You never let go of my hand as you guided me over your lap, arranging my body so we'd both be comfortable.

Great! NOW he'll ask questions! What the hell am I gonna tell him? I've never lied to him before and I can't lie now. But how do I explain what I don't know? How the hell do I put THAT into words?

But you didn't question. You simply started spanking. Slow and easy at first. I wasn't being punished. I knew that and I knew you did too. Not once did a word flow from your lips as my bottom started to tingle with a warm glow only you can provide.

I didn't struggle or complain when I felt my skirt slide up my legs, over my bottom and rest on my waist. I simple shuffled a little. I would be here a while. You still didn't spank hard or fast. But you did spank steady and true. I started to relax across your knees and that tightness in my chest began to ebb away slowly.

When you stopped, I waited. I felt your fingers in the waistband of my panties and without asking me to, I lifted my hips. Slowly I felt my panties uncover what must already be a pink bottom and then slide until I felt them rest against the back of my knees.

You waited a bit, your hand resting on my bottom and I held my breath. The questions would start now and I heard my own heart pounding in my ears. I wanted to reach up and cover my ears. If I don't hear the questions, I don't have to answer them. Right?

But instead of questions, your hand spoke. Again and again, starting soft and steady then working its way to a little harder and faster. You never paused to speak. You never paused to let me speak. How did you know I couldn't talk? Oh God . how did you know?

Your hand landed over and over, my bottom starting to move from comfortable warmth to squirming heat. You didn't slow down and you didn't soften. You simply kept on spanking.

At one point, you knew I was starting to hurt and your other hand moved to hold my waist tighter. I didn't once get the urge to say I was sorry as I always do when I'm over your knees. I knew you didn't once expect me to say it. You just kept on spanking, harder and harder and the tears started to well up in my eyes again.

The questions I'd dreaded for so long never came and as I started to cry from the fire now covering both of my cheeks, I knew for the first time, they wouldn't appear. You spanked harder then, unrelentless in your mission and I obliged and screamed the frustration I'd kept hidden for so long.

I screamed and kicked and cried and still your hand continued to spank. Your one hand around my waist let me know I was safe and cared for while your other hand let me know you understood me better than I understood myself.

It all hit me then. As if your hand spanking me was lecturing in the only way you know how to explain. It wasn't something that was wrong with me. It was a need. A need buried deep inside my heart that you, only you saw and followed through on. I'd needed a spanking and I was getting one now and oh God it hurt . and felt so right.

I sagged on your lap then. Drained and oh so damned content. The dizziness had gone away and in its place, a peace I'd thought I'd never find again. You rubbed my back and let me finish crying before you lifted me on your lap to hold me tight.

As I sat there, holding on for dear life, I heard these words whispered in my ears.

"Sometimes, just sometimes, there's no rhyme or reason. Only a need. Okay?"

I nodded against your chest. Oh yeah! Its okay! It's ALL okay now.