Discipline ABCs
With these basic strategies you can raise a child who is spirited but not spoiled.
by Dr. Sonya Rhodes and Lee Lusardi Connor
Recently a nice young couple I know had a specific issue that they wanted to discuss with me. Their 4-year-old daughter, they feared, had become what the husband called a real brat. The child is normal in every way, but her behavior is out of control. If she can't have ice cream when she wants it, she spits at them. If she's told she can't go to a friend's house to play, she'll say, "I hate you!" In general, she refuses to accept what are totally appropriate limits for her age.
Now, these parents are good people. They love their daughter, and they show it. They try hard to nurture her creativity and self-esteem. But everyday issues of discipline and control now worry them all the time. In short, they fear they've created a monster—an extremely spoiled child—and they don't know what to do to improve the situation.
In my therapy practice I've seen this issue many times; it often comes to the fore at age 3 or 4. That's when a child begins to step out of the cocoon of the home and enter preschool and engage in gymnastics, music classes, or other group activities. Inappropriate social behavior that may be tolerated at home suddenly generates negative feedback from others, such as a child's nursery school teacher or a grandparent. This was the case for the couple that spoke to me. The negative comments served as a wake-up call, and they realized they had to take corrective action regarding their daughter's overall behavior. But they didn't know what to do.
It's Tough to Be 3 (and 4 and 5, Too)
Parents are often surprised by how difficult preschoolers can be.
Because children are out of the terrible twos and their language skills and impulse control are increasing, parents hope they're in for smoother sailing. But preschoolers still struggle between babyish behavior and more socialized behavior. They don't yet have many resources for coping with the new demands that are placed on them, such as adapting to nursery school, being with other children, sharing, and conforming to rules.
It's fine to cut children some slack, but when should you let them regress and when should you hold the line?
The guideline here is to ask yourself what your child is capable of doing. In general, he should do what he can do. A preschooler is usually mature enough to control aggressive behavior such as spitting or hitting. He can learn to put thoughts into words; for example, he can say, "That's mine!" instead of lashing out with a punch. He's able to understand expectations and rational explanations ("You need to put your puzzle away because it's time for dinner") and to begin to develop an overriding sense of right and wrong. A preschooler is becoming less and less self-centered and more of a social being. And from age 3 on, he can be expected to move ahead, with your help, in all these ways.
Though some backsliding is perfectly normal, there are also behaviors that shouldn't be tolerated, especially unmitigatedly aggressive behaviors that are hurtful to parents, siblings, friends, or pets. Biting and kicking are indications of an underlying problem and should not be rationalized. For instance, preschoolers are sensitive to the emotional tenor of a household and may become physically aggressive as they act out stress that their parents feel as a result of divorce, death, or economic strain. One of the most important jobs a parent can do is to help a child learn other, better ways of expressing conflict and relieving tension.
Why Rules Are Essential
When you help your youngster learn to cope, you engage in what discipline is about: Teaching a child to be caring, to control herself, to get along with people. Your job is to provide a safe, loving environment in which your child can grow and develop into a self-disciplined person who shows respect for others. If you send a child into the world without the limits that discipline offers, you are, in effect, sending her out to cross a high bridge that has no safety railings to hold on to. She may make it across, but it will be a dangerous trip.
As logical as discipline seems, many parents have trouble with it. One reason may be that parents today are genuinely conflicted about whether to take a permissive or restrictive approach. They know that a child's self-expression is to be encouraged and that limit setting may stifle a youngster's spirit. But they may lose sight of the need to teach their child how to build the internal controls he'll need throughout his life.
Another reason parents hesitate to say no is they aren't sure how to respond to their children's frustration. Often children recognize this hesitation and show defiance just to test how far they can go. For a lot of parents, a child's anger and cries of "I don't like you!" are more wounding than they care to admit. After all, parents want to be popular with their children, and kids soon learn how to push that button.
So moms and dads do their best to make their children happy in the hopes that self-esteem will develop and that reasonable behavior will follow. Unfortunately, life doesn't usually work this way. Only when children experience rules, and the order and structure that follow, do they assimilate them and take them for their own.
And by the way, it's OK—even healthy—if your child gets mad at you from time to time. For one thing, it's normal; no child feels only love toward her parents. For another, each child needs to learn to manage a range of feelings, including anger and disappointment. A child's management process might be: "I want a cookie before dinner, but I must do as my mom says. That makes me angry, but it's OK to be angry as long as I don't hurt someone. And even when we're angry we still love each other." When a young child has worked through her frustration and calmed herself—with some gentle guidance from you—she feels a great sense of satisfaction, just as we grown-ups do when we master a tough issue at home or the office. That's what builds self-esteem.
Guidelines for Good Parenting
As you help your child shape his behavior, these discipline ABCs can assist you:
Assert your authority.
When you set a limit or deny a request—in short, when you say no—make eye contact with your child. Change your tone of voice so it's firm and decisive and don't allow yourself to be led into an argument. To establish a solid stance, avoid using "disqualifiers," words that subtly undermine your right to call the shots. The biggest offender in this category is OK, as in, "I want you to wear socks with your shoes, OK?" You needn't ask permission when you have a perfect right to make a definite statement.
In addition, stop saying, "I don't think so," when your child asks for a privilege, as in, "Can I have another cookie?" Your child hears "I don't think so" as indecisiveness and an opening he can exploit with repeated pleas. When you say no, be clear and firm and don't put a question mark at the end of the sentence. You can also offer a simple reason for your decision, such as, "Too many cookies can make you sick."
Brace yourself to deal with whining. I've found it effective to respond as calmly as possible to a whining child by saying, "I'd like to know what you are saying, but you have to tell me in your regular voice, not a whining one." The fact is that whining often works for children. Aggravated and frazzled by a child's repeated, high-pitched requests, we frequently just give in and revoke our no. It's an understandable response, but unfortunately one that buys more trouble down the road. When you occasionally give in, you unwittingly engage in a practice called intermittent reinforcement, which means that you provide a payoff seemingly at random. Scientists have found that for animals and humans, random rewards are the most powerful reinforcement possible for a particular behavior. Keep this concept in mind the next time you're about to say, "Oh, all right."
Counter problem behavior with immediate and relevant consequences. Try to avoid saying things like, "If you spit out your food again, no more TV for the rest of the day!" Threatening is not particularly effective with very young children because they don't have the cognitive skills to anticipate the future. If you've determined that a withdrawal of a privilege is appropriate, enforce it right away. And make the punishment fit the crime, so to speak. For instance, spitting food may warrant revoking dessert rather than television privileges.
Designate ample time to deal with resistance. You're due somewhere fun (a party, a playdate) or somewhere necessary (a doctor's office, a hairdresser's) and you're running late. This is the time when you're most at risk for a child's meltdown or a blowup of your own. Try not to trap yourself by allowing too little time in your schedule for your child to make the transition from one activity to another. Rushing will put both of you in a bind.
Employ time-outs carefully. If your child is disobeying you, being defiant, having a temper tantrum, or hitting, you are right to take him out of a situation that is frustrating and overstimulating. Walk him into his bedroom or a neutral place, and tell him you're going to close the door to allow him to calm down. Set a timer—most experts agree that one minute for each year of age is appropriate—and say that when the bell rings he can come out. Then soothe your child by segueing him into a quiet activity such as watching a video or doing a puzzle.
When a time-out works, it works beautifully. But there are situations when a child is too upset to regain control on his own. If, after the allotted time, your child is still carrying on, calmly enter the time-out room without engaging in his demonstration. Your relaxed presence can help to dissipate the added frustration that being shut in a room alone might cause some children. If possible, help him find other ways to express his anger. You could say, "I can see that you're very angry. Let's try to use words to say what you are feeling and why." Then offer him some verbal assistance, such as, "Do you feel angry because Mommy turned the TV off?" or, "Does it make you mad to go into your room with the door shut?" Above all, see this process for what it is: an exercise to help your child regain self-control.
Foster a discipline consensus with others who are involved. Include your partner, caregiver, and whomever else helps raise your child. Obviously, you don't want to inhibit people's individual styles of relating to a child. But try to come to an agreement on how to handle inappropriate behaviors like refusing to get dressed in the morning or grabbing things off the supermarket shelf.
Sometimes the badly behaved child is one who gets mixed messages about what is permissible behavior. That turned out to be the case for the "bratty" 4-year-old daughter of the couple who came to see me. In our discussions, it became clear that the mother was too indulgent and hesitant to discipline, while the father had an aggressive, punitive style. For him, discipline meant screaming and yelling, and his daughter was mimicking that. The parents recognized they were at odds with each other and have been trying to find a middle ground. It will probably take them months to get totally in sync, but their daughter is already doing better.
Parents can help an out-of-control child turn her behavior around. Children are malleable and responsive at this age; I see that again and again. The hard part is finding your own disciplinary voice. When you assess your skills in this area, don't focus on specific incidents but on the pattern in your disciplining and setting limits. Ask yourself, "What is my tendency over time: strictness or permissiveness?" Then ask, "Am I getting the results I want? What do I want my child to learn? What kind of person do I want her to be in the long run?" Let your thoughts about these important questions help you shape your parenting style.
Disciplining children will probably never feel easy, but it shouldn't leave you feeling as though you've been harsh or rigid. When you're doing it well, you'll have a wonderful sense of confidence in your parenting, and that's good for everyone in the family.
3 Reasons Kids Crave Limits
Without you there to call the shots, a preschooler can fall apart. Here's why:
1. A child develops internal controls by being taught positive limits by her parents and other caregivers. In terms of her development, your preschooler relies on you for discipline until she is mature enough to assimilate these controls and begins to self-regulate her behavior.
2. On her own, a preschooler's ability to comprehend the consequences of her actions is limited. You need to communicate clearly your rules and expectations—and the reasons they are important.
3. To be spontaneous and creative, preschoolers need to know where you draw the
