Child

By:  Lara

 

Justin was always the youngest.  On the Mickey Mouse Club, he had really wanted to hang out with the older boys, but only JC Chasez gave him the time of day.  Most of the time it was a simple smile, a “hello there, Justin,” and a ruffle of his hated curls, then JC would move on to be with his friends.  The big kids.  Justin was never a big kid.

Then NSYNC came along, and Justin was STILL the youngest. Youngest by a good two years.  Two years younger than Lance, who was girlie and shy and the type of person that Justin just couldn’t understand. Lance was nice enough, Justin liked him okay, but Lance was into astronomy and math and homework, while Justin was into basketball and football and goofing off.

Justin was four years almost to the day younger than Joey Fatone.  Joey was fun and crazy and flirtatious, but there were a lot of times where he made it painfully clear that he didn’t want to be bothered by an eagerly friendly fourteen-year-old. Joey was eighteen. Joey was a man.  Joey wanted to go out and do manly things, not hang out with a boy whose voice was barely changing. At least Lance didn’t mind hanging out with Justin, which was good, since they were stuck together a lot.

JC, who Justin knew from MMC, of course, was five years older than Justin. Sometimes it felt like an eternity, like when Justin was sixteen and JC was turning twenty-one and was finally legally allowed to drink.  Justin considered JC one of his closest friends, but on August 8, 1997, Justin hated JC Chasez. Hated the fact that there was no one who could EVER call him a baby, or a child, or “the infant.”  JC and Justin had a lot in common artistically…even at a young age, Justin had known that music flowed through him thicker than blood, and JC understood that. But he was still older. A LOT older.

Then there was Chris. Chris was so cool.  Chris was ten years older than Justin, but Justin never once felt it. Justin was fourteen, Chris was twenty-four, and both of them were excited as hell to be able to play all the jokes they wanted on naïve Lance or sleepy JC, since they were living together and were able to do it.  Putting Justin and Chris alone together for any period of time was a bad idea.  Whenever JC saw them conferring in a corner, he ran for the hills. Poor Lance just watched, wistfully hoping that it wasn’t his turn this time. Joey laughed and went back to flirting with whatever female was on hand.

When Justin turned sixteen, they were in Europe.  The group was getting big, and Justin could have had the world by the balls. Instead he was afraid and slightly shy, though he never let the world know it.  It was Chris who snuck into his room after the birthday party, bringing someone with him. “This is Marta,” he told Justin.  “She’s your gift from me.”  Chris quietly left the room, and Marta started doing things that made Justin blush, pant and scream all at once.  Chris was a really good friend.

Even when they made it big in the States, Chris was Justin’s good friend.  He would call him, play ball with him, and most importantly, NEVER make Justin feel like a kid.  He told Justin all his secret ambitions, and Justin felt proud to be the one that Chris consulted about things.  Justin was the one that Chris asked about his new company.  “Is FuManSkeeto a dumb name?” Chris asked Justin. “Is it retarded?”  Justin assured him that it wasn’t, and he felt a tiny spark of pride when he saw the name on a piece of clothing for the first time. 

Chris taught Justin how to deal with the real world.  When the lawsuit came down, and they were threatened with everything under the sun, Chris taught Justin not to cave, and to stand up for what was his.  “Maybe we can’t be NSYNC anymore,” Chris told Justin. “But that music is ours, our voices and ideas are ours, and we can show those motherfuckers what we can do WITHOUT their petty bullshit.”  And, of course, Chris was right.

Chris showed Justin how to work the media. He showed Justin how to deal with the whole Britney thing without letting everyone know the truth.  She went along with it, hell, who wouldn’t?  Saying you were the girlfriend of the lead boy in one of the hottest groups in the world couldn’t hurt you. It could only push you forward. But everyone in NSYNC knew that Justin didn’t love her. She was convenient, and he genuinely liked her, but he didn’t love her. He was definitely old enough to know THAT.

When Chris broke up with Dani, Justin realized for the first time that Chris wasn’t just a kid like him. Chris was an adult.  Chris had adult things to deal with, and maybe he wasn’t right all the time.  But he was hurting, and Justin ran to be the shoulder he was crying on.  The whole Larry King thing tore Chris apart, and it was Justin who locked them in Chris’ hotel room to drink the interview away. Chris became the child, and Justin became the grownup. For a while, anyway.  By the next day, Chris had short-sheeted Joey’s bed, changed the wallpaper on Lance’s laptop, and laced all of JC’s drinks with extra caffeine so he couldn’t sleep. Chris the child was back.

Justin opened the door one day, rubbing his eyes against the sunlight. “Chris?  What do you want?  I just got in an hour ago, man.”

“I need to talk to you…to someone…” Chris said, and Justin blinked.  Chris was crying. Chris didn’t cry.

“C’mon in, man. God, what’s wrong? Is it your mom? Your sisters?”

“No…they’re fine.”  Chris curled up into a ball on the sofa.

“Do you want anything?” Justin asked. Chris shook his head.

“The line…Bloomie’s is dropping it.  Norstrom’s, too.”

“What?” Justin’s mouth fell open. “You’re kidding.”

“No.  Dani got the memo this morning,” Chris whispered.  He buried his head in his knees for a moment.  “All I worked for…that thing was like my baby, you know?”

“But you still have the internet, Chris, and…”

“I didn’t want the internet, Justin.  Anyone can sell stuff on the internet.  I was in a real department store…” Chris wiped at his eyes.  “Now everyone who ever said I wouldn’t amount to shit, that I would fail…they’re so right.”

“Chris, no!”  Justin exclaimed.

“I’ve done nothing with my life. I prance around onstage and charge crazy amounts of money for people to see me do it, but that’s bullshit.”

“Hello, remember who’s prancing around up there with you,” Justin said, but he wasn’t mad. He couldn’t be mad at Chris.

“Nothing I’ve done is worth anything…nothing that mattered…nothing that’s lasted. What good am I?” Chris muttered, burying his face again.

Justin stared at Chris. He hadn’t seen the need for acceptance.  JC wanted his music to be accepted and respected. Lance and Joey wanted their acting to be accepted and respected.  And apparently Chris needed it more than the rest of them all put together.  “Chris, you were like a father to me on tour. You were always there. For all of us.”

“Whatever,” Chris said, sniffling. He tucked his head into his chest.

Justin sighed as words failed him. Where was Joey when you needed him? Joey always knew how to console.  He closed his eyes, placing a hand on Chris’ head, stroking the short hair. “I am your child…” Justin whispered.  He watched Chris’ shoulders shake with the sobs.  “Wherever you go…you take me, too…” Chris sniffled loudly.  “Whatever I know, I learn from you…whatever I do, you taught me to do…I am your child…”  The sobbing seemed to subside, and Chris slowly looked up. “And I am your chance…” Justin sang, continuing to rub Chris’ head.  “Whatever will come…will come from me…tomorrow is won, by winning me…whatever I am…you taught me to be…I am your hope…I am your chance…I am your child.”

Chris sniffled loudly.  “Justin…what the hell are you saying?”

“Whatever I am…you taught me to be…I am your hope…I am your chance…I am your child…” Justin moved closer, realizing nine thousand things for the very first time.  “Tomorrow is won…by winning me…” he whispered. “Don’t cry, Chris, and don’t think you’ve failed, because you haven’t. Everything good about me I got from being around you.  If anything, I’ve failed by not letting you know how special you are.” Against everything Justin thought he knew and wanted and felt, he leaned in and gently kissed Chris’ lips.

And suddenly he felt very grown-up…and exactly where he wanted to be.

The End

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