Knowing

By:  Lara

 Nothing is so good it lasts eternally…perfect situations must go wrong…but this has never yet prevented me from wanting far too much for far too long…looking back, I could have done it differently…won a few more moments, who can tell…but it took time to understand the man…now at least I know, I know him well…

If I knew then what I know now…I probably would have done everything exactly the same way.  If I would have known that it would end up in heartache and pain, and sad goodbyes, I would not have changed one single thing.  One of Lance’s songs…one of those sad, cry in your beer tunes, it says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.”  And a dance with him was something I wouldn’t trade for the entire world.

 When things started to get big for us, we were young. SO damn young.  Justin, hell, he was barely even inching up on legal.  We were huge in Europe first.  I was barely twenty, and JC was twenty-one.  Me and JC and Chris, we’d go out and party, leaving Baby Justin and Shy Lance back at the hotel.  It was so easy to label each other, since the media ended up doing it anyway.  The labels we used privately, of course, were not words we could ever use in public. Shy Lance quickly turned to Slut Lance, and Sleepy JC would become Stoned JC, but it was all in fun.

Fun. That’s what I had with JC.  That’s how it all started.  It was a fun thing. Let’s go out and get drunk, and watch JC hit on all the pretty boys in the German bars.  Let’s watch him try to sneak a boy back to the hotel room. Let’s watch Joey get jealous.

Jealous.  Yeah, I got jealous.  At first it scared the shit outta me.  I wasn’t supposed to be that way.  I liked pretty German girls, not pretty American boys.  But the more he danced around, the more I wanted him…and the girls were just a dish on the side to replace what I really wanted.  And one night when we all got drunk, I grabbed JC’s hand as he started to leave our booth. Chris was on the dance floor, and JC and I were alone, for one blessed moment.

“Don’t,” I said. “Stay with me.”

JC sat down, a slow smile crawling across his face. “It’s about time,” he said, and there it was.

 

We had to keep it a secret, of course.  Lou heard hints about JC picking up boys, and screamed so loud they heard it all over Europe and into Asia, I’m sure.  But then JC stopped picking up boys, because he was with me.  And being with Josh was awesome.  I could still flirt and be silly with girls, and he didn’t mind. Because at the end of the night, it was his bed I crawled into, and his body that satisfied me.

I never thought I’d like loving another man. I thought it would be weird and disgusting. It wasn’t. It was perfect.  Being with JC was perfect. He was smart and laid back, though once you got him on stage he was crazy. He was gung ho about making our group the best it could be.  He wanted us to be the best on a different level from the rest of us, though, and I didn’t realize that until it was too late. 

Wasn’t it good?  Wasn’t it fine?  Isn’t it madness, he can’t be mine…but in the end, he needs a little more than before…security, he needs his fantasy and freedom…I know him so well…

 

No Strings Attached. Man, if were not ready for fame, that made us ready before we knew what was happening. Suddenly, everyone heard of NSYNC, and we were setting records.  We all grew up fast, though we tried to hold on to the people we had been pre-NSA.  Justin, and JC, slightly, was shoved to the front of the group, with Chris, Lance and I forming a steady foundation for them. We really didn’t mind…I would rather not be torn to shreds by screaming fans, thank you very much.  I tried to support JC as much as possible, because I knew he was still a little uncomfortable with his heartthrob status.  He didn’t see himself that way. He was happy dancing in a club, being seen, but he was just as happy in his art studio, in bare feet and grubby clothes, with paint all around him and Beethoven on the radio.  That was the real Joshua Scott Chasez that very few people saw.  I’m glad I got to see him, to know him, because that was who JC really needed to be.

As we prepared for the Pop Odyssey tour, things started to crack between JC and I.  We had all but lived together as we prepared for the album, and I loved it. JC, however, was itching for space. I chose to ignore it, and that was probably what drove the chisel into the crack of our relationship.  We were at a meeting for the concert, one of the last meetings before we started to down-and-dirty rehearse.  “I won’t be around next week,” JC said, and we all stared. I stared at JC, but everyone else stared at me.  Within our little posse, it was well-known that JC and I were an item.  At that moment, however, I didn’t feel like a part of anything.

“What?” I whispered.

“I’m going away for a week.  I need some space,” JC said.

The hurt on my face must have been evident, because Lance suddenly said, “Okay, um, yeah, this meeting’s done.”

The room cleared in record time, leaving me and JC alone.  “What?” I repeated.

“I need to go away.  I’m not really ready for this tour, Joey. I don’t want to do it. Maybe some time away will help.”

I stared at him. “And you were gonna tell me when? When you were on the damn plane?”

“Joey,” JC said helplessly, and I saw it then. My sweet little dove was frantically beating his wings against the cage of our love.

“Go,” I sighed.  “Just be careful.”

Suddenly I had a lap full of JC.  “I love you, Joey,” he whispered, snuggling close. “And things will be GREAT when I come back!”

No one in your life is with you constantly…no one is completely on your side…and though I move my world to be with him, still the gap between us is too wide…looking back, I could have played it differently…learned about the man before I fell…but I was ever so much younger then…

Things WERE great when he returned from  his week in Italy…for about two days.   We made love and snuggled together and made all kinds of promises, but as soon as we went into rehearsal, that all seemed to be forgotten.  We argued, and the tension followed us home. I finally allowed myself to realize that JC had outgrown us all, though he would do yet another tour to promote the album before really pushing out on his own.  We made suggestions, JC vetoed them. He didn’t want to be a member of a boyband any longer.  Although this album, Celebrity, was something more mature, it wasn’t what he wanted.  And he was fighting as hard as he could without truly fighting against us.

When I had fallen in love with JC, I was a young man.  A boy, really. I knew what I wanted, or what I THOUGHT I wanted. I wanted someone to love me, to let me love them, to play with me, to work with me. And for a long time, JC was all of that…and then he changed.  Or I changed.  Or we both did, and it was such a huge change that the relationship couldn’t hold up. It buckled, and finally fell apart during the second tour for Celebrity.

Wasn’t it good (oh so good)…wasn’t it fine (so fine)…isn’t it madness, he can’t be mine…didn’t I know how it would go…if I knew from the start…why am I falling apart?

 

“Go on,” I told Chris. He looked at me strangely.  “Go. Justin and Lance are waiting. JC and I won’t be going with you guys tonight.”

Chris’ dark eyes were sad. “Joey…dude, I’m so sorry.”

“Better off this way. We won’t see much of him after this, I guarantee you,” I said with a tight smile.  Chris hugged me and trudged towards the elevator. I knocked on JC’s door.

“Come in.”

I turned the knob. It was open.  He looked up from the desk, where he was scribbling in the ever-present lyric book.  “Hey,” I said.

“I figured you would come.”  JC put his pen down and ran a hand through the long hair that I loved.

“Yeah,” I said simply. That night’s performance had been a disaster. We couldn’t even look at each other, because of a fight we had had while sitting in the makeup chairs. “I’m sorry.”

“Me, too,” JC said. He stood and went to look out the window.  I placed my cheek on his shoulder, hugging him from behind. “I can’t do it,” he said in a strangled tone.

“I don’t want you to,” I said, turning him around and kissing his cheek.  “I want you happy, Jayce.  Whatever makes you happy.”

“You were my very first love,” JC said faintly. “I’ll never forget that.”

I smiled.  I could tell when he was lying and when he was sincere, and I had never seen him more honest than this. “I know. Me, too, JC.  And I’m always here for you.”

“Me, too. And who knows?  Maybe we’ll come full circle and end up together again.”

“Maybe,” I said, pulling him into a hug.  But I knew better than that.

The End

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