Savior

By:  Lara

 

 

“Lansten…we’re outtie. You coming along?”

“I dunno.” Lance rubbed his toe back and forth along the runner of the carpet in front of his hotel room. “I’m kinda tired and…”

Chris smacked his shoulder.  “C’mon.  You gotta go. You haven’t been out with us in forever.”

Lance ran a hand through his hair.  “Who’s all going?”

“Me and Joe and JC and Justin and Brit.”

Lance closed down. “No thanks.  I’m staying in.”

“Why?  Come on, Lance.  What could you possibly have to do that is better then hanging out with us?”

Justin stepped out of his hotel room and locked the door.  “Hey, guys. I’m single tonight.  Brit got called out to California by her management and she’s on her way to the airport as we speak.”

“You’re right, Chris.  Gimme ten minutes,” Lance said, smiling at Chris.

“Cool!  We’ll wait in JC’s room. God knows HE’S not ready yet.”  Chris and Justin walked down the hall as Lance went back into his room.

 

Lance stood under the shower, letting the water flatten his spiky hair.  Britney wasn’t going.  Justin was single.  Justin was single, at least for one night.  He wouldn’t have to see Britney pawing him, loving him, giving him those adoring little looks and smiles that were special, just for Justin.

Lance loved Justin.  Lance had loved Justin since Justin was fourteen and he was sixteen.  Lance lived to keep loving Justin, and he loved Justin to keep on living.  Just that simple.  Justin didn’t know; no one did.  No one knew that Lance was a member of one of the hottest boybands in the country and was queer as a three dollar bill.  No one knew that Lance lived for rehearsals and touring and press conferences and any place where he could be with Justin in public and just sit there and adore him.  Justin deserved to be adored, and Lance was all too willing to give Justin that adoration.  Everyone else adored Justin, but not like Lance did.  Justin had a voice like an angel…a smile like the sun…a tight body that moved in all the right ways.  Justin could be a brat, could be a spoiled, selfish brat, but Justin was beautiful and Justin was amazing and Justin was all the things that Lance wasn’t and Lance loved him.  End of story.

Lance dried off and hurried to get ready. Justin looked hot that night, no question about that. He wore black jeans and a black wifebeater and a black short-sleeved shirt that was open in the front, and a black sequined bandana over the curls.  Britney had complained that Justin was wearing a lot of black lately, but Lance liked it. Of course, he liked everything that Justin wore, but the black was good on him.  Lance knew that whatever he wore would pale in comparison to Justin, not that Justin would even notice what he wore, but he wanted to look good anyway.

 

“Lancey…looking good, brother!”  Joey gave him a big hug as they headed out for the limo. “You looking to break some hearts?”

“Just yours, Joe,” Lance teased, and Joey let out a guffaw.  Chris rolled his eyes.

“You two are weird.  Don’t embarrass me.”

It was everyone else’s turn to laugh. Chris was the loudest and the craziest of them all, but you couldn’t help but laugh at his antics.  “Chris…the day we embarrass you…” JC trailed off, rolling his eyes.

Lance laughed as Chris pretended to strangle JC, his eyes roaming over to Justin. Justin was uncharacteristically quiet, staring out the window.  Lance was seated across from him.  “You okay?”  Lance asked.  Justin finally looked at him and nodded, giving him a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yeah.  Tired. I probably won’t stay long.”

Lance nodded.  “If you wanna talk…” Lance left the sentence unfinished and Justin gave him the small smile again.

“Thanks, Lance.”

 

Justin stayed only an hour and a half, sneaking out before anyone noticed he was gone. Anyone but Lance, that is.  Lance’s eyes followed Justin’s every move, sighing with envy as girl after girl grooved with him on the dance floor. He didn’t seem to miss Britney all that much.  Lance stealthily followed Justin as he headed for the door, hoping he wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.  But Justin DID leave, hailing a taxi and climbing in before Lance could stop him. Lance sighed and went back into the club, finding an empty seat at the bar.  He ordered two drinks and drank them in rapid succession…anything it would take to drive the burning for Justin out of his soul for just one night.

 

 

“Hey, Lance,” Joey said, his mouth full of eggs.  Lance sat down at the table and played with a fork.

“You see Justin yet?” Lance asked.  Joey shook his head.

“No, but when I do, I’m gonna punch him. I’m sick of him ditching us every time we go out.”  Lance looked at him quizzically.  “Haven’t you noticed?”

“I haven’t been going out with you guys much lately,” Lance gently reminded him.  While the other guys went out, Lance either stayed back and moped, or went for long walks by himself.  He had actually ventured into a gay bar once, but he got nervous when men started hitting on him.  He had never been in any kind of gay relationship.  He had only ever wanted Justin.

“Yeah, must be that secret girlfriend you keep hidden from us,” Joey teased. Lance rolled his eyes.  He had gone on dates with girls, for show, but nothing serious.  Except for the short relationship with Danielle.  “Anyway, he sneaks out early all the time and it’s rude…pisses me off.”

“Like you’re never rude?” Chris commented, walking up to the table.  His plate was piled high from the buffet.  “Hey, Lansten.”

“Hi, Chris.”  Lance stood. “I’m gonna hit the buffet.”  Lance wandered over to the long tables, but nothing appealed to him. He asked the attendant for a Styrofoam box and filled it with toast and hash browns.  He got a cup of coffee to go and walked out of the dining room without saying goodbye to Joey and Chris.

He knocked on Justin’s door, carefully balancing the coffee on top of the box.  “Justin?”  He called softly.  “Justin, it’s Lance…it’s ten-thirty…I brought you…” the door opened and he jumped.

“Hey, Lance.”  Justin moved aside to let Lance in, running his hand through his curls.  “What’s up?”

“Well…um…we have to leave soon…and I thought you might want breakfast,” Lance said bashfully.  He felt himself turning red.  He and Justin were friends, they hung out often, but on the inside he was always anxious and nervous when around Justin alone.  He was always afraid that Justin would see…would feel the heat that Lance felt every time Justin looked at him.  He held out the cup and box.  “Toast and potatoes…coffee.”

Justin turned his sunny smile onto Lance full force.  “Man, Lance, you’re awesome.”  He ran a hand through Lance’s hair affectionately and took the box and cup.  “I’m starving.”

Justin walked to the tiny table and chairs and Lance tried to politely ignore the fact that Justin wore only sweatpants.  Ignore the fact that Justin had on no shirt and looked incredibly sexy.  Ignore the fact that Justin had a…hickey…on his neck.  “Um, Justin?” Lance said weakly.

“Mmmhmmm?” Justin answered around his toast.

“I thought you said Brit went back to California.”

“She did.”

“Then…um…” Lance rubbed his own neck.  Justin’s eyes grew huge and he ran to the bathroom mirror.

“Fuck!”  Lance heard him say.  “Dammit to hell.”  Justin reappeared in the hallway, smiling sheepishly.

“Well…I’m gonna get some breakfast.  I’ll see you at rehearsal.”  Lance made a beeline for the door.

“Lance, wait…stay here…order room service.  Hang out with me.”  Justin’s blue eyes were pleading and Lance stopped short.

“Are you okay, Justin?”

“Yeah…I just…” Justin sat down and ran a hand through the curls again. Lance almost whimpered.  “Britney and I broke up yesterday.  That’s why she left.”

Lance sat down hard.  “You…broke up?”

“Yeah.  Well…I broke up with her.  I just…it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I got sick of it all…I love her but I’m not IN love with her…and I don’t like living a lie anymore.”  Justin looked up at Lance.  “So…there you go.”

“Yeah,” Lance said softly, ordering the butterflies in his stomach to quit doing calisthenics.  “So, where’s that room service menu?”

 

For about the third time in his entire life, Lance was eternally grateful for Joey’s presence on the earth.  He and Joey shared a bus, and Joey’s need to chatter on about nothing was a welcome diversion from the gutter-induced thoughts running through Lance’s brain. No more Britney. No more Justin and Britney stealing kisses in the limo.  No more Britney giggling and hanging on Justin and falling out of her clothes.  No more Britney.  Lance listened to Joey go on and on about the hot girl he had bagged the night before and grinned.  Joey was wonderful. Life was wonderful.

But as the day wore on, Lance began to think.  Yes, Justin was now Britney-less…but there would be someone else there to take her place soon enough.  Justin was beautiful and wonderful and sexy, and everyone loved him.  He wouldn’t be lonely for long.

“Um…Joe? I need to tell you something,” Lance said finally. 

“What’s up?” Joey’s eyes were glued to the Playstation game he was playing.

“Did you know Justin broke up with Britney?”

Joey hit pause.  “You’re kidding.”

“Nope.”  Lance thought for a moment that Justin might not have wanted Lance to say anything, but he knew Joey could be trusted to act surprised when Justin brought it up. And Lance needed to talk about it.

“So she’s single now. Sweet.”  Joey’s big smile lit up his face and Lance laughed.  “I think it’s good,” Joey said seriously. “They weren’t right together. I don’t think Justin was happy.”

Lance was surprised.  Justin’s happiness was of infinite importance to him, but he had never noticed that Justin wasn’t happy with Britney.  Maybe because whenever Britney was around, Lance tried NOT to be around.  “He deserves to be happy,” Lance whispered.

“Exactly.”  Joey tugged on Lance’s sock.  “Get down here and play with me.”

 

When they arrived in the city to do the little radio interview they were scheduled for, Justin got the group together and told them about his break-up. “I wanted you to hear it from me before you read it in the Star or something,” he said with a smile.

“That sucks, Justin.  Sorry,” JC said.

“It’s for the best,” Justin insisted. “I wasn’t happy.”

“Told you,” Joey murmured to Lance.

“Let’s go out tonight and celebrate Justin’s new single status!” Chris yelled.  Justin laughed.

“I don’t think that’s necessary, but thanks, Chris.”

“Yeah…he’ll just leave early anyway,” Joey pointed out.  Justin stared at him.

“What?”

“You go out with us and then you sneak out. Where the hell do you go?” Joey demanded, no longer smiling.

“Maybe he’s sick of you scaring all the girls away so he goes out and gets a piece on his own,” Lance jumped in.  Four pair of eyes stared at him.  The dark blue ones were the first to twinkle.

“Yeah, Joe.  Your big butt shakes and they run, you start oozing charm and they hide,” Justin said. “I need to leave to get my own groove on.”  He smiled at Lance gratefully.

“Whatever,” Joey grumbled, but it was a good natured grumble.

The grumble lost its good nature, however, when they were greeted at the radio station by a member of management.  “Guys…plans have changed.  We’re off to Chicago after this.”

“Chicago?  We were supposed to go home finally!” Chris whined.

“Bigass charity thing.  Everyone’s gonna be there.  Britney, Christina, BB Mak, 98 Degrees, the Backstreet Boys, Dream…you name it…they’ll be there. So you need to be there, too.”

“And you didn’t know about this before?”  JC snapped.

“It was a surprise to us as well…usually these things are planned better,” the man said apologetically.

“Fuck,” Justin growled, walking away from the group.  Lance watched him.  They all needed a vacation, and the next three weeks were supposed to belong to them.

“How long?” Lance asked.

“You go to Chicago tonight, and the shindig is day after tomorrow. Black tie…very big deal.  Then after two more days there’s a big carnival thing.”

Lance walked over to Justin as the other guys argued.  “Justin…we’ll be home in a week or so.  No big deal.”

“I need to be alone,” Justin almost snapped.  Lance drew back.

“Oh…sorry.”

“No, Lance.”  Justin put a hand on Lance’s arm.  “Not NOW…just in general. I need time to be me.”

Lance studied his friend’s face. Justin didn’t look tired, he looked exhausted.  “I understand, Justin.”

“No, you don’t.  Do you understand putting on a happy face so no one can see the REAL ugly you inside?”  Justin brushed Lance aside and headed for the restroom.

 

Lance checked himself in the mirror one last time before answering the knock at the door.  He opened it and his eyes widened.  “Justin.  Hey.”

“Hey, Lance.  You ready?  The others are downstairs already,” Justin said, fidgeting.

“Sure, lemme grab my wallet.” Lance slid the wallet into the back pocket of his suit pants and locked the door behind them.

“You look good,” Justin observed.  Lance flushed slightly.  He wore black suit with a simple white dress shirt underneath. The shirt had a banded color and black and silver studs covered the buttons.

“So do you,” Lance replied. Actually, he thought Justin looked handsomer than any man had a right to be.  Justin wore a navy blue suit, a color that seemed to emphasize the brightness of his eyes.  Lance sniffed.  “Justin, have you been drinking?”

“A little,” Justin said, his smile wide.  Lance sighed.  He and Justin had not spoken much since before the radio interview, but the few times he had seen him, he had smelled alcohol on Justin’s breath.  Lance put a hand on Justin’s arm.

“Justin…”

“Back off, Lance,” Justin warned, pulling his arm away. “I don’t need a babysitter. I’m fine.”

“I’m sorry,” Lance said quickly, his heart falling. Justin looked miserable.  “Is it Britney?”

“Britney? God, no…I’m damn glad to be rid of her.”  Justin jabbed the elevator button.  “I’m fine, okay? Just fine. Is it a crime to drink?”

“At your age, yes, it is,” Lance teased, and Justin finally smiled a real smile.

“Okay, fine.  It is.  I just…she’s gonna be pissed at me and I don’t want to deal with it. Not tonight.”

“There will be a ton of people there,” Lance reminded him. “She won’t even notice you.”

 

“If she walks up to me, don’t leave me alone with her, Lance,” Justin begged.  “I know, I’m a chickenshit. But in the mood I’m in lately, I’d probably bitch her out.”  The guys walked into the lobby and headed for the garage.

“Justin…” Lance began.  Justin stopped walking.

“Please…Lance…” Justin put a hand on Lance’s arm. “Be my friend.”

“I’m always your friend,” Lance said softly, though his heart and body begged for more.

 

“Hi, guys.  Justin.” Britney stopped them before they even made it into the ballroom.

“I’m outtie,” Chris said quickly, slipping away.

“Me too,” JC said, following Chris.

“You guys need help?”  Joey ran after JC and Chris.  Justin sighed.

“Hello, Britney. You look very pretty,” Lance said politely.

“Thanks, Lance.” Britney smoothed down her short lilac-colored dress.  “Justin, can I speak with you for a sec?”

“Well, Brit…”

“Please,” she emphasized.  Lance looked at Justin, mouthed a “sorry”, and went into the room.  He watched Britney lead Justin down the hallway and sighed.

“Lance.”  Lance turned around at his name.

“Oh…Drew…hey.”  Lance smiled as he took the outstretched hand of Drew Lachey.  “Almost didn’t recognize you.  No hat.”

“Ha ha.  Didn’t go with the suit,” Drew quipped.  Lance’s heart melted slightly.  Though he loved Justin more than life itself, he had always had a tiny crush on the handsome 98 Degrees member.  “How are things for you guys?”

“Good.”  Drew led the way to the bar and Lance ordered a beer. “Stressful.  We’re supposed to go on vacation after this week.”

“Cool.  We’re up to our necks in video shoots,” Drew told him, rolling his eyes.  They chatted some more before being joined by Brian Littrell and his wife.  Drew could hardly keep his eyes in his head as Leighanne tried to speak with him.  Lance hid a smile.  Leighanne’s dress was low cut, and by the look on Drew’s face, it was obvious how straight he really was.

“Excuse me,” Lance said as he caught sight of Britney and Justin returning to the ballroom.  Britney went straight to her little group of friends and Justin headed for the other bar.  “Justin.”

“Thanks a lot, Lance,” Justin snapped.

“Justin, what the hell was I supposed to do?” Lance snapped back, angered by Justin’s selfish attitude.  “Oh, sorry, Britney, but I’m attached to Justin at the hip tonight, you’ll have to back off?”  Lance’s heart skipped a beat as he realized there was nothing more that he’d love to say to Britney then just that.

Justin smiled slowly.  “You’re right. I just…God, she was pissed.  I didn’t realize she cared so much.”

“Of course she does. You’re a wonderful guy, Justin,” Lance said in what he hoped was a friendly tone.  Justin smiled at him again.

“Thanks, Lance.”  He threw an arm around Lance’s shoulders.  “You’re a good friend.”

 

At midnight the party was still in full swing, and Justin never left Lance’s side. It was as if he considered Lance protection against Britney’s anger, and Lance for one sure didn’t mind. He was content to mingle with Justin, watching Justin talk, watching Justin laugh, watching Justin smile.

At twelve-fifteen, Justin pulled Lance aside.  “Lance…I’m outta here.  I need to go…need some air.”

“Do you want some company?”  Lance wondered if his eyes were begging the way his heart was.

“No…not tonight,” Justin said apologetically. “I’ll see ya tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah…tomorrow…” Lance sighed, watching Justin walk out the door.

 

 

The rest of that week turned into a nightmare.  They were forced to attend the charity carnival, and once they arrived they were informed that interviews were scheduled for the next three days.  They would be starting their long-awaited vacation a week late.

All of NSYNC were angry, but Justin was furious. And it wasn’t a violent fury, it was tight-lipped and controlled.  But little things showed through…signs that indicated Justin was NOT a happy person.  Lance was sure that Joey, Chris, and even JC probably didn’t notice, but since Lance was such a careful observer of everything Justin said or did, he was quick to realize the changes. 

Black continued to be the color of choice for Justin, and if it wasn’t black, it was dark colors.  Lance could hardly remember the time when Justin promoted baby blue as the best color in the world.  And gone were the baggy clothes.  He wore tight jeans and tight shirts, if only to contradict the ghetto image he had so carefully concocted for himself.  He went out every night, and he was late for interviews twice.  This could be forgiven; if anyone was the male definition of “diva” it was Justin Timberlake, but no one could forgive the sullenness that hung around Justin like a cloud. He was miserable.  The worst part for Lance was that Justin didn’t smile.  Hardly at all.  Lance lived to make Justin flash that smile, and now nothing could bring it out…not Chris’ antics, not JC’s teasing…nothing.

“I’m so fucking glad this is over,” Joey muttered as the van took them to the airport after the last set of interviews.  “I will be so glad to be home.”

“Join the club,” Chris replied, sighing and closing his eyes.

“Please tell me you’re gonna clean up your act,” JC said to Justin. Everyone froze.  JC was only saying what everyone was thinking, but no one had found the right way to bring it up.  Justin carefully removed the sunglasses that had become as much a part of him as Backstreet Boy AJ McLean’s sunglasses were to him.

“Excuse me?”

“Justin, we love you.  You’re our little brother.  But you’re acting like a freak. You’re dressing like one of the Adams Family, you never talk, never smile, and you act like we all give you cooties or something.”

“I want to go home. I want to be by myself. I want to BE myself,” Justin said quietly, then turned back to the window.

“Mr. Melodrama,” Joey said, rolling his eyes.

“Joey, I think you need to shut the fuck up,” Justin said, glaring at his friend.  “You don’t know shit about me…so just shut…up.”

“Justin, I love you, but don’t make me kick your ghetto ass,” Joey growled back.  Lance quickly held up his hands.

“Guys…please…we’re getting on a plane and going home, and after that meeting tomorrow we don’t have to see each other for a month,” Lance pleaded, referring to the extended vacation they had been given.  Justin snorted.

“Lance, do you EVER do anything for yourself and NOT because it will make other people happy?” He snapped, and Lance’s eyes widened.

“I was just…I…I don’t like you guys fighting…I don’t like that you’ve been so miserable lately,” Lance ventured.

“Maybe I LIKE being miserable,” Justin replied, pushing the sunglasses back up.

“Oh, tell it to Oprah,” Joey said.  “Lance, don’t even bother.  He just wants to be the center of attention. Let it go.”

 

But Lance couldn’t let it go. Justin WAS the center of his attention, whether Justin knew it or not.  Once they were on the plane, Lance moved to the empty seat next to Justin. “Hey.”

“Hey, Lance.”  Justin finally removed the sunglasses. “I’m sorry about what I said.”

“No problem,” Lance shrugged, though inside he beamed. 

“I just…God…Joey has no fucking clue, you know?  And so what if I’m quiet and shit…I’m still me…or the me he THINKS I am.”

Lance bit back a reply. He wanted to know who this Justin was…this young sexy man who dressed in black and wore a scowl instead of the beautiful smile and who swore like a sailor instead of singing like the angel Lance knew he was.  “Maybe this vacation will help us all,” Lance said finally.  “Do you have any plans?”

“Getting drunk, getting laid, and getting everyone off my back,” Justin said cheerfully.  “You?”

“Well, drunk…maybe…laid…doubtfully…and as for part three…I just want peace and quiet,” Lance replied.  Justin reached over and squeezed his knee.

“Amen brother.”

 

The meeting with management was scheduled for ten the next morning, and NSYNC had a diehard promise from management that the meeting would last no longer than an hour. They had secretly vowed that at sixty-one minutes, they would all get up and leave. 

Lance was shocked to see Justin’s car in the parking lot when he arrived at ten minutes to ten.  Justin was finally early for something. Maybe this would be promising.

What Lance saw when he entered the lobby made him freeze.  He shook his head and considered pinching himself. This HAD to be a dream.  It could NOT be real.  “Lance!”  Justin walked over, waving a bag in front of his face.  “Doughnut?”

Lance could only stare.  Justin wore an old black tshirt and blue jeans that draped over sandals.  Justin looked comfy and relaxed.  Justin had no hair. “Your hair,” Lance squeaked.  Justin ran his hand over his almost-bald head.

“Yeah…got it buzzed yesterday after we got back.  Needed a change.  What do you think?”

Lance almost whimpered with disappointment. One of his greatest fantasies was the idea of running his hands through Justin’s hair when he was doing various things to Lance’s body.  Now there were no unruly curls…just short hair.  Lance reached out to touch and remembered at the last minute that he couldn’t.  He was saved from replying by JC’s arrival.

“Holy hell…” JC stammered, shocked.

 

Five days later Lance was awakened out of a sound sleep by the phone ringing.  He groaned as he looked at the clock.  Three am.  “This better be good, Joey,” he growled into the phone.

“Lance? It’s Justin.”

“Justin?”  Lance sat straight up, totally awake. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I need you to come get me.”

“Sure.”  Lance was already pulling on jeans.  “Where are you?”

“At the police station.”

 

 

Lance almost ran up the steps into the police station. He made himself calmly walk up to the front desk.  “I’m here for Justin Timberlake?”

The officer rolled her eyes.  “Yes…he’s back there.” She jerked a thumb over her shoulder and Lance went through a set of doors and down a hallway.  Justin was sitting on a bench, head in his hands. 

“Justin.”

Justin slowly raised his head.  Lance gasped at the huge bruise around Justin’s eye.  “Hey, Lance. Thanks for coming in.  I didn’t know who else to call.  Joey’s probably still out…and JC and Chris woulda just bitched at me.”

Lance was stuck between being thrilled Justin called him to being worried about Justin’s appearance.  “What happened?”

“Can we leave? They said I could go as soon as you got here.”

“Oh, sure.” Lance led Justin out to his car.  Justin fell into the front seat with a sigh.  “Where to?”

“Your house?”  Justin asked, and Lance just looked at him. It had been forever since he had been alone with Justin overnight.  Lance slowly nodded and Justin smiled gratefully.  “Basically I got into a little fight…and the bartender had us brought in…and I guess we both convinced them that we weren’t out to kill each other, and they let us go without anyone getting arrested.”

“You got in a fight?”  Lance gasped.  Not that Justin didn’t have a prime bad temper, especially in the mood he had been in lately, but he was too protective of his face, his body and his voice to get into fights.

“Yeah…” Justin picked at a hole in his jeans.  “He’s the brother of someone I…well…not DATED, really, but used to go out with.  And he didn’t like it.  So he decided to start shit…and I didn’t let him.”

“Justin…fighting solves nothing,” Lance said as he whipped his car into his driveway.  “You could have gotten seriously hurt.”

“Fuck you, Lance.”  Justin hopped out of the car and slammed the door.  “Why I even called you is beyond me. You don’t understand ANYTHING.  I don’t need a lecture.  You don’t think I could have kicked his ass?”

“Justin, I’m not trying to lecture you!”  Lance insisted.  “I just…I don’t want you getting hurt…I care about you and I would hate it if you were hurt in any way.”  Lance wanted to bite back the words as soon as they came out. He was revealing too much.  Justin froze and turned around.  He walked over to Lance.

“I’m sorry I said fuck you. Lately you are the ONLY one who seems to care why I do things instead of bitching about WHAT I’m doing.  Thank you…thank you for caring, Lance. You’re a good friend.”  Justin gave Lance a quick hug.

“Yeah…a good friend,” Lance repeated sadly as he welcomed Justin’s fast embrace.

 

Lance got Justin settled into a guestroom.  He heard the shower run, and then silence.  He sighed as he sat at the large desk in his room. He was wide awake now. He knew sleep would never come with Justin Timberlake sleeping in his guestroom.

Lance rubbed his eyes, cursing himself.  Justin was like some kind of addiction. He dreamed of Justin every night. Sometimes it was sexual, but other times it was different. They were together…a couple…and Justin loved him. He knew Justin loved him in real life; Justin loved all the guys.  But he didn’t love Lance the way Lance loved him.

Lance got up and tiptoed to the guestroom.  He could hear Justin’s light snores through the open door.  He slowly went in and sat on a chair by the bed. He couldn’t help it.  Justin moaned in his sleep and turned. Lance gasped as the sheet fell down to drape over Justin’s waist.  His naked chest looked smooth and silky, and Lance’s hand reached out of its own volition.  He swallowed a groan as his fingers touched the soft skin, and when Justin murmured something in his sleep Lance snatched the guilty fingers back.  He reached up instead and lightly caressed the bruise on Justin’s cheek.  Justin didn’t move.  Lance got brave and stood. He bent down and barely touched his lips to that bruise, then he left the room.

 

Justin got up around ten-thirty the next morning. Lance was in the kitchen, reading the newspaper and drinking coffee.  “Hey,” Justin said sleepily.

“Hi,” Lance said softly, his face flaming as he remembered his stupid actions of the night before. He prayed Justin had been asleep.

“Can you drive me home now?”

Lance looked at Justin blankly. No thank you, no conversation.  Justin’s eyes were cold, and behind the blue steel Lance saw nothing of the friend he had saved the night before.  “Justin…”

“I want to go home, Lance. Don’t start.”

“Sure.  Lemme grab my shoes.”

 

When Lance got back to his house, he carefully locked the front door.  He went to his bedroom, and turned on the stereo that filtered into every room of the house. He chose a CD, and selected a track.  He hit repeat and then went into the guestroom. After carefully undressing and folding his clothes, he climbed naked into the unmade bed.  He closed his eyes, inhaled the scent on the pillowcase, and tried not to cry as the music began.

 

I’d like to watch you sleep at night…to hear you breathe by my side.  And although sleep leaves me behind there’s nowhere I’d rather be…and now our bed is oh so cold…my hands feel empty, no one to hold…I can sleep what side I want, it’s not the same with you gone…oh if you’d come home, I’d let you know that…

 

All you want is right here in this room…all you want and all you need is sitting here with you…all you want…

 

It’s been three years one night apart but in that night you tore my heart…if only you had slept alone…if those needs had not been sown…oh you could come home and you would know that…

 

All you want is right here in this room…all you want and all you need is sitting here with you…and you and your sin can leave the way you just came in…send my regards to her…I hope you’ve found that all you want is right there in that room…all you want all you need is sitting there with you…all you want…

 

 

“Lancey-Boy.”

“Christopher.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Don’t call me Lancey-Boy.”

“Whatever.  Hey…I’m having a picnic today.  Be here at noon.”

“Have you ever heard the phrase “short notice”, Chris?”

“C’mon…like you have a life.  You’ll probably spend the day doing something responsible and normal, and spend the night jacking off or something.”

“Excuse me?”

“Never mind.  JC, Joe and Justin already said yes.”

“Justin?  Justin?  You talked to Justin?”

“Yeah.  Yesterday.  Why?”

“No reason.  I’ll be there.  Need me to bring anything?”

“Just your sexy self.”

“Chris, you need help.”

“And lots of it. Later, Lancey-Boy!”

 

Lance frowned as he sat in his car in Chris’ driveway.  He saw JC’s car, and Joey’s car, but no sign of Justin.  It had been eight days since Justin had stayed over, and Lance hadn’t heard from him. Hadn’t heard about him, either, which was odd.  JC loved to complain about Justin’s faults, and even HE hadn’t said much.  Lance was worried.  He didn’t care if Justin remembered the kiss…well, he DID…but he was more concerned about Justin’s well-being. In the long run it affected them all, and Justin’s behavior was just odd.  Lance finally got out of the car, grabbing the bag that held his swimsuit and towel.

“Hey, Lancey…”

“Don’t you dare,” Lance growled as Chris opened the door.

“I was just gonna say Lancey,” Chris protested.  Lance rolled his eyes. 

“Everyone here?”

“Yeah. Out back.”  Chris motioned to the sliding glass doors that led out to the pool area.  Lance followed him back.  “I’m revving up the grill.”

“Cool.”  Lance stopped short as he saw Justin floating around on a raft.  Justin’s body gleamed with suntan oil, and he lazily dragged one hand through the water.  Joey and JC were sitting on the steps in the shallow end, talking.  “I thought…I didn’t see Justin’s car.”

“He tried to wrap it around a tree,” Chris volunteered as he prepared hamburger patties.  “It’s repairable, but I think he may just buy a new one.”

“He wrapped…” Lance wanted to gasp in horror. Justin LOOKED okay, but a dart of fear ran through Lance’s heart.

“Yeah…walked away, believe it or not.  Some scratches, that’s all.” Chris gave Lance a gentle push.  “Go swim.  It’s hot.”

“Yeah…hot…” Lance said faintly, heading down the steps to the changing room cabana.

“Hey, Lansten!”  Joey yelled, sending a splash of water towards Lance.  Lance danced out of the way.  Justin took off his sunglasses and looked at Lance.  Lance blushed and headed for the cabana.

Lance had barely pulled the swim trunks up over his slender hips when the door opened. He gasped and turned around. “Oh…God…Justin…you scared me!”

“Sorry.”  Justin sat down on the folding chair in the corner. 

“You were in an accident?” Lance asked.

“Yeah…drank too much the other night…” Justin reached out to tie the drawstrings of Lance’s swimsuit. Lance jumped.  Justin raised an eyebrow and Lance smiled nervously.

“I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah…me too…I hate my life but it’s not the way I wanna go out, you know?”

Lance decided to take a chance. “Justin…you know you’re like my brother. I  care about you.  We all do.  We’re so worried about you.  What…what’s caused you to change so much?”

Justin looked at Lance for a long moment.  “You care that much?”

“We all do,” Lance said softly.

“What you see…it’s not me, Lance.  I’m tired of hiding the me that I am…but I have no choice.  I hate the fact that no matter what I try, it’s not good enough for Joey…for JC…even for you and Chris.”

“You’re always good enough for me, Justin,” Lance whispered.

“Hey!  You two getting it on in there or what?”  Chris yelled.

Lance blushed and Justin laughed.  “You wish, Kirkpatrick!” Justin called out.  “You’d probably charge admission.”

“I bet you’re not that good!”  Chris called back.

“I’m damn good,” Justin replied, his eyes never leaving Lance’s.

 

Justin seemed to be cheered up by Lance’s interest in him. He laughed a lot, and the smile flashed so much that Lance had a perpetual erection.  He couldn’t help but think that THIS was the way Justin should be…THIS is what made thousands of screaming girls and one bandmate fall in love with him.  The five bandmates swam and talked and laughed all day, and after Joey ran out for beer, they watched ESPN and crashed in Chris’ living room.  At three in the morning, Lance stood and yawned. “I gotta go. I have a meeting with FreeLance people tomorrow.”

“Aww, Lancey…stay…” Chris slurred.  Lance smiled.  He had drank the least, and he knew he was definitely sober enough to drive.  “Everyone else is.”

“Can you drive me home?” Justin asked, standing up.  Lance only hesitated for a split second. Justin was weaving on his feet, but if he wanted to go home, who was Lance to deny him?

“Stay, Justin…there’s more beer…” Joey begged, tugging on Justin’s leg. 

“Nah…I wanna go home.”  Justin held on to Justin’s arm. “Bye, Chris. Bye, Joey.”  He kicked JC affectionately.  JC was already snoring on the floor. “C’mon, Lancey…let’s roll!”

Lance sighed.  Another night as Justin’s babysitter.  He helped Justin out the door and carefully deposited him in the passenger seat.  “Let’s roll,” Lance repeated.

When Lance arrived at the turnoff to Justin’s part of town, Justin put a hand on his arm. “Can I stay with you again?”

“Me?” Lance said, surprised.

“I like you. I like your house.”  Justin’s eyes were suddenly quite sober. “I want to stay with you…I don’t feel like being alone tonight, Lance.”  Lance looked at his friend and saw the young man he had fallen in love with.

“Sure…Justin…of course.”  Lance made the turn towards his own house.

 

When they arrived, Justin went up the steps to clean up for bed.  Lance pulled out a pair of shorts and tossed them onto the guestroom bed. He called a goodnight to Justin through the bathroom door and headed for his own bedroom.  Lance undressed and climbed into bed, ignoring the fact that Justin was once again sleeping in a room across the hall.  The way Justin had been acting had made Lance want him more than ever.  The new Justin was exciting and mysterious, but during the time at Chris’ Lance had seen the old Justin, and it drove him mad with need.

Lance was almost asleep when he heard his bedroom door open. He slowly sat up. “Justin?  What’s up?”

“Three guesses,” Justin replied.  Lance turned on the light and blinked hard. He blinked harder when he realized Justin was naked. 

“What’s going on?”  Lance whispered.  Justin smiled a sexy smile and sauntered over to the bed. 

“You think of me here…don’t you, Lance?” Justin asked, sitting down next to Lance.  Lance swallowed deeply. “You lay here in this bed at night and think about me…don’t you?  Do you touch yourself?”

“Justin, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lance said softly, inching away from Justin. He attempted to keep his eyes from Justin’s hardening cock, but he couldn’t help but look.  Justin followed his gaze and grinned.

“I was right. You DO want me…I should have known from the way you kissed my face that night.”

“Kissed your face? I didn’t…” Lance was silenced by Justin’s hand grasping his jaw.  Before he knew it, Justin’s mouth was on his.  Lance whimpered, half turned on, half scared.

“You want me, don’t you, Lance?  Say it…say it…say it and I’ll give it to you,” Justin whispered, sliding his hand under the covers.  He smiled as he stroked Lance’s hardness.  “Mmm…I’d say you want me…”

“Justin, wait.” Lance tried desperately to save the situation, but it was too late. There was a gleam in Justin’s eyes that Lance couldn’t decipher. 

“You want me to give it to you, Lance?”  Justin knelt back and stroked himself.  “You dream about this?  About me giving it to you?  A million girls want me…guys too…and you would think about me giving it to YOU…little Lancey…the shy country boy…”

“Justin…” The name came out as a moan.  Justin sprang forward, his body pressing Lance’s down to the bed.  Justin’s mouth was everywhere as he bit at Lance’s neck…sucked on an earlobe, flickered his tongue over a nipple.  Before Lance knew it, Justin’s mouth was on his cock.  “Justin…wait…” Lance tried to beg, but the words didn’t come out as he wanted them to.  He wanted to savor this moment…wanted the sweet lovemaking of his dreams…but Justin would have none of it.  All too fast Lance was cumming in Justin’s mouth, and then Justin flipped him over.

“This will be so good, Lance…I don’t have to worry that you’ll give away my secret…I don’t have to worry that you’ll want more than this…because you know you’ll never get it…the other ones never realize that.” Lance winced as Justin’s wet fingers forced themselves inside of him, and suddenly Justin was inside…pushing…all the way.  “Holy shit…” Justin gasped.  “So good…Lance…so much better than anyone…oh hell…” Justin could hardly give a few thrusts before he was cumming hard inside of Lance.  He pulled out and Lance fell onto his stomach, paralyzed with shock.  He finally rolled over and looked at Justin, who was carefully wiping his cock with the sheets.  Their eyes met, and for a moment Lance read disgust in Justin’s blue eyes.  “I need to leave.”  Justin almost ran out the door, slamming it behind him.

Lance couldn’t run after him. He was sobbing too hard.

 

 

Lance didn’t sleep that night. At seven the next morning, he called the FreeLance people and told them to meet without him.  After that he talked to no one for the next ten days. He didn’t answer his phone, didn’t answer his cellphone, didn’t check his pager.  He didn’t leave his bed, except to go to the bathroom, and twice he went down to the kitchen to make pitchers of iced tea and to grab a bag of chips or pretzels.  He lay in his bed, motionless, staring at the ceiling.  He thought. He cried.  He shivered with self-loathing.  He thought some more and cried some more.

Lance blamed himself.  Obviously the fact that he had ventured to kiss Justin’s bruise had disgusted Justin.  Lance couldn’t blame him. If he was wonderful like Justin, would he really want some LOSER like Lance kissing him?  And from Justin’s words, it was obvious that he knew that it was more than that one moment.  Justin knew Lance’s feelings…or at least realized they were there.  Lance knew that no one could possibly realize the depth of his feelings.  Justin probably hated him…for all kinds of good reasons.

It wasn’t until the ninth or tenth day that Lance finally realized that it wasn’t all his fault.  He was going on about six hours of sleep, and the patterns on the ceiling were starting to move around, but he could still think semi-coherently.  He made himself sit up and think hard about Justin and exactly what had happened. He remembered Justin’s words. “…I don’t have to worry that you’ll give away my secret…I don’t have to worry that you’ll want more than this…because you know you’ll never get it…the other ones never realize that.” Obviously Justin had been with a man before. This must’ve been the secret that he had been hiding…the reason that he disappeared all the time…the reason for the hickeys.  Justin was gay…and was out finding lovers left and right…or at least one lover.  Lance hated to think about that.  Justin deserved someone that would love him for all the wonderful things that made him Justin…and no quick lay could give him that love.  Lance’s love remained, even as he made himself realize that Justin had all but raped him. He had taken Lance, taken Lance’s virginity, all under the assumption that Lance realized that Justin would give him nothing more.  Perhaps this need to hide this other life was what had made Justin change.

Lance shook his head groggily. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wanted to hate Justin, wanted to punch him in his beautiful face, but he still loved him way too much.  He understood that if he went to a doctor about this, they’d probably throw him in the room with the padded walls, but he couldn’t help it.  Justin was a good person; deep down Lance knew that.  So he forgave him, at least on the inside.  He knew that if he saw Justin, though, he didn’t know WHAT he’d do.

 

Lance finally slept soundly on the tenth day. Practically slept the clock around.  A shattering sound awakened him, and he gasped as he saw glass on the floor of his bedroom.  A large hole perforated the window at the front of the house.  Lance pulled on a pair of boxers and stepped into a pair of sandals to walk to the window. He winced as he pulled the curtains aside. The light burned his eyes.  He thought he saw Chris down below.  “Chris?”

“Yeah!  And Joey!  Lance, open this fucking door NOW!” 

Lance had never heard Chris so angry. He slowly made his way to the door, taking unsteady steps on weak legs.  He carefully went down to the door and opened it. He blinked against the light and fresh air.  “Hey,” he said, moving aside. Joey and Chris brushed past him, looking absolutely furious.

“Where the hell have you been?”  Chris asked.

“Here,” Lance said truthfully.

“Here.  You’ve been here,” Chris repeated. “We’ve called…we’ve emailed…we’ve paged…we thought you were dead for Christ’s sake, Lance!”

“Lance, are you okay?  You look like shit,” Joey asked. 

“Who cares?  I wanna know what the FUCK is going on!”  Chris almost screamed.  “First Justin, now you!”

“Justin? What about Justin?”  Lance asked.

Joey looked at Lance carefully.  “Lance, you should sit down.”  Joey led him to the sofa. “Are you okay? Do you need a doctor? What happened?”

“Nothing.  I’ve…uh…been sick,” Lance answered.  “What about Justin?”

“He’s been incommunicado, too.  At least we knew where he was, though. He flew out to Vegas to party his diva ass off,” Chris told Lance.  “He’s on his way back today, though. That’s why we needed to come over here.  We have a bigass meeting with management tomorrow.”

“We tried to call but…” Joey left the sentence unfinished.

“Sorry,” Lance said. “What time and where?”

“Johnny’s office at eleven,” Chris said.

“You want me to come get you?” Joey asked Lance.  Lance smiled gratefully.

“Yeah.”  He didn’t like the idea of walking into a room alone where Justin would be waiting.

 

“You okay?” Joey asked Lance as Lance climbed into his car.

“Yes.”  Lance busied himself with the seatbelt and tried to remain calm. He had dressed carefully, believing that if he looked good, he might feel more in control of the whole situation.  He looked down at his khaki shorts and dark blue button up shirt and took a deep breath. “Let’s roll.”

When they arrived at Johnny’s office, Lance was eternally grateful to the powers above that Chris’ car was the only one he saw.  Justin COULD have caught a ride with Chris, but Lance figured Justin had bought a new car by then, and he would come on his own.  Lance shook hands with Johnny and went immediately to the coffeepot. 

He nursed his mug of hazelnut and stared out the window.  He heard JC come in, but he didn’t turn around. He was totally focused on staying in control.  When he took a deep breath and inhaled a familiar cologne, however, control was shot all to hell. “Hello, Lance.”

Lance slowly turned around.  Justin stood in front of him, blue eyes hidden by a pair of dark glasses.  The shorn hair was covered by a black bandana, and a pair of blue jeans and tight black tshirt hugged his slender body.  Lance looked him over from head to toe, desperately trying to decide on what to say and do.  He was saved, however, by Johnny. “Okay, boys, let’s get to work.”

 

Two hours later the meeting ended.  Joey and Chris hurried out the door, chatting about a club they were planning on going to that night.  JC stayed behind and talked with Justin while Lance asked Johnny some questions about problems with FreeLance.  There weren’t really any problems, but he wanted Justin to leave.  Sitting in the same room with him had been bad enough.  He didn’t want to have any opportunity to be alone with Justin.

But unfortunately Johnny had another meeting to attend, and Lance was forced to leave.  JC and Justin were long gone, but when he went to the front door, Lance saw Justin leaning against an unfamiliar car in the parking lot.  Lance desperately wished for lightening to strike one of them, but the sky was clear and blue. “No lightening,” Lance muttered, making a beeline for Joey’s car, parked three spaces away from Justin’s.  He shoved his sunglasses on and jammed his hands in his pockets.

“Lance.”  Justin slowly pulled off his own sunglasses.

“Hello, Justin.”  Lance summoned all of his energy and self-respect…which wasn’t much.  “New car?”

“Yeah.”  Justin looked down at the black convertible.  “I’m gonna try not to wrap this one around a tree.”

“That’s good,” Lance said. “Well, um, I gotta go.  I’ve been neglecting some things at FreeLance and I should stop by.”

“Okay.  I guess…I’ll…see you later,” Justin finished lamely.  Through his sunglasses Lance studied Justin’s eyes.  He still looked weary…tired…but Lance could only remember the way the blue eyes had flashed with disgust.

“Bye, Justin.” Lance’s heart was in his shoes as he walked behind Joey’s car.

“Lance, wait.”  Justin put a hand on Lance’s arm.  “Wanna grab lunch?”

“I’m not really hungry…and I’m sure you have someone better to do.”  Lance saw Justin jump as he realized what Lance had really said.  Justin blushed, then his eyes turned cold.

“You’re right…I definitely do.” Justin jumped into the convertible and squealed out of the parking lot.  Lance bowed his head and stared at his shoes. He wanted to call out to Justin, wanted to pull him back, but he was so confused now that he had no clue what he REALLY wanted.

 

Lance spent the next three days buried in work for his company. He spent all day at the offices, making calls, sending emails, and talking to prospective artists.  He stayed up late at night working on ideas he had, brainstorming and writing memos.  He finally made himself go to sleep early one night, knowing he was slowly killing himself with work. JC had made him promise to call the next day, wanting them to get together.  He smiled. At least JC didn’t hate him.

It was almost ten when Lance finally dozed off, laying in his bed surrounded by paperwork.  He was awakened around two by something he didn’t recognize, then he smiled.  It was raining.  The sound was so foreign to him that he had been awakened by it.  He stretched and got up, gathering his papers and putting them away before returning to bed.  A knock at his front door startled him.  He pulled on sweatpants and padded downstairs to the door on bare feet.  He looked through the peephole and gasped, throwing the door open.

Justin stood on Lance’s doorstep, shivering in the light rain.  His face was a mass of blood and bruises, and one hand was covered in blood.  His jeans hung damply on his thin body, and his eyes were wild.  “Lance…can I…” Lance could barely take a step forward before Justin fainted into his arms.

 

 

“Justin?”  Lance whispered.  He knelt down, cradling Justin in his arms.  “Justin?”  Lance tenderly traced Justin’s split lip with his finger.  He placed a hand on Justin’s chest.  He could feel an erratic heartbeat, and the constant shivering of Justin’s body told Lance he was still alive.  “Justin…baby…” Lance whispered, holding Justin close to warm him. The door stood open, and rain occasionally blew in, but Lance wasn’t letting go.  He wasn’t letting go for anything.  He wanted to cry as he looked at the battered face he loved.  “Justin…” he shook Justin ever so slightly.

Justin’s blue eyes fluttered open and looked up.  “Lance.”

“Here I am, Justin.”

“Lance,” Justin repeated as best he could through the swelling on his face. 

“I’m here. It’s okay.  What happened?”

Justin closed his eyes and swallowed deeply. “Lance.”  His voice quivered as he said the only word that seemed to be in his brain at the moment.

“It’s okay.”  Lance pulled Justin closer.  “Was there an accident?”

“Yes…accident…” Justin stammered.  “Accident…right…”

“We need to get you to a doctor…to the hospital.”

“NO!”  Justin sat up and winced horribly, clutching his side.  “No.  No hospital.”

“Justin, you could have broken bones or something!”  Lance argued.  Justin glared at him, and for a moment Lance was reminded of the last time those eyes had looked at him with so much fury…right before Justin had left his bedroom.  “We need to get you checked out.”

“No…Lance…please…” The fury left and Justin stared at Lance pleadingly.  “No…”

“Dammit, Justin…we’re going to the hospital.”  Lance stood and for the first time Justin noticed that the door was still open. He carefully pulled himself to his feet and slammed the door, locking all three sets of locks and flipping the switch to the security system. Only when the green light came on to show it was activated did he relax.  Paranoid blue eyes swept to Lance.

“Lance…” Justin stumbled over his own feet and Lance caught him once more.  “I can’t go…I can’t…”

“I’ll be with you,” Lance said encouragingly, extremely frightened by the fear in Justin’s eyes.

“You won’t leave me?”  Justin asked in disbelief.

“No…every second I’ll be there,” Lance promised.  Justin sighed.

“Thank you. Thank you, Lance.”  He leaned on Lance as they headed to the downstairs bathroom.

“We’ll get you cleaned up and I’ll find you some dry clothes, okay?” Lance asked Justin.  He wanted to enjoy the feeling of Justin leaning on him, enjoy the feeling of Justin’s body, but he couldn’t.  Not then. 

Justin sat on the closed toilet and Lance ran some hot water in the sink.  He damped a washcloth and handed it to Justin.  “No.  You…you do it,” Justin whispered.

“Justin, I need to find you some clothes and…”

“You do…do…do it,” Justin repeated, his hand closing around Lance’s wrist.  Lance slowly nodded and began to carefully clean the blood from Justin’s handsome face. He gasped as he saw how deep one of the cuts really was.

“Justin, where’s your car?”

“Decatur…Decatur…Decatur Road,” Justin replied softly, closing his eyes and Lance cleaned his forehead.

Lance was startled, both by the new stammering problem Justin had acquired as well as by the location of Justin’s car.  “You had an accident on Decatur Road?  Justin, that’s six miles from here in the middle of nowhere!  Did you walk here?”

“Walk…yes…” Justin murmured.  He shivered again.

“Gimme your clothes.  Finish cleaning up and I’ll get you new ones.”

“’Kay.”  Justin stood and clumsily tried to pull the shirt over his head.  He gasped as he raised his arms.  He looked down at the large rip across the front of the shirt.  “Cut it.”

Lance took a pair of scissors from the medicine cabinet. He kept them there to cut first aid bandages, but they worked just fine on Justin’s flimsy shirt.  He peeled the cloth away, and even though he was concerned about Justin, he couldn’t help but admire the lithe body and smooth muscles.  “Okay.  Pants next.”

Lance averted his eyes as Justin slowly pulled off his jeans. He knew Justin wore nothing underneath.  “Here.  These should be okay.”  Justin handed him the jeans and sat back down to shiver.

“I’ll be right back, Justin.”  Justin whimpered and grabbed Lance’s hand.  Lance was shocked by the fear in the blue eyes.  “I’ll be right back,” Lance said, smiling.  Justin nodded and finally released his hand.

Lance sighed as he hurried upstairs to find Justin clothes as well as finish dressing himself.  He tossed the wet jeans into his bathtub and quickly pulled on a shirt, jeans, and sneakers.  He found a pair of sweatpants for Justin and a sweatshirt, and dug out a pair of Justin’s sneakers that he had left there one night.  Lance picked up the jeans to hang them over the shower rod and froze.  He sat down on the floor and spread the jeans out in front of him.  The buttons of the button-fly jeans were gone.  They had been ripped off.  Lance wondered how Justin’s slender hips had kept the jeans from falling down.  He shook his head and started to stand, but another sight made him sit down again.  He slowly turned the jeans over and noticed that the backside and the backs of the legs were stained with blood.

 

“Hey…here I am…get dressed quick…you’re shivering.”  Lance quickly handed Justin the sweats and he slowly got dressed.  Lance helped Justin tie the sneakers, and then they went to the garage.  Lance grabbed his keys and helped Justin into the car.  “Do you wanna call a tow truck for your car?”

“My car?”  Justin looked confused as he slapped the lock down on the door.  “Oh…my car…no…it’s fine.”

“Justin, what…”

“It’s fine,” Justin repeated, his eyes darting around the darkness as the car went out of the garage and onto the street.

 

Justin huddled close to Lance as they entered the emergency room.  Lance did the talking. Yes, he understood that Mr. Timberlake was NOT a life or death case, but did the hospital really want the press to find out that they made one of the hottest pop stars in the world sit and wait?  Lance rarely used his status to step over other people, but for Justin he was willing to do anything.

“Okay, Mr. Bass.  We’ll take Mr. Timberlake back and he can sit in the private room.  A doctor will be out directly,” the nurse said finally.

“I’ll be right out here waiting,” Lance said, smiling at Justin.  Justin frowned.

“No…Lance…stay…stay…stay with me…don’t leave…leave me!” Justin stammered.  Lance stared at him.

“Justin, what the hell happened to you?”

“Please!”  Justin begged.  The pout fell over his face and Lance’s heart melted.

“Okay.”  Justin latched onto Lance’s arm as they went back to the waiting room.  Lance guided Justin to the gurney. “Climb up and rest, Justin.”  He helped Justin lay back and he then sat on a chair nearby.

Lance had almost dozed off when a doctor entered the room.  Justin sat up suddenly and winced. He shrank back from the doctor’s outstretched hand. The man looked at Lance, who shrugged.  “Hi.  I’m Dr. Frank.” The man turned his hand to Lance, who shook it.  Justin watched them and finally shook the hand as well.  “I recognize you.  I have two daughters,” the doctor continued with a grin.  Lance grinned back.  “I’ll earn major brownie points for this one.”  The doctor turned to Justin. “Let’s see…did we get into a fight?”

“Accident,” Justin snapped.  The doctor nodded thoughtfully.  He gently turned Justin’s head from side to side, and announced that the deep gash would need stitches.  Lance sighed. He had figured as much.  Dr. Frank tilted Justin’s head, studied his throat, and scribbled something on his clipboard.  Lance frowned.  He hadn’t noticed the bruises that wove around Justin’s neck.

“Can you lift your arms?”  The doctor asked.  Justin slowly lifted them as best he could, and the doctor carefully prodded his sides. “Anything else hurt?”

Justin shook his head.  “No.”  Lance watched him carefully.  Justin picked at the skin around his fingernails as he spoke…a sure sign that he was lying.

“Okay.  I’d like to keep you overnight…in case of any internal injury.  Your friend can pick you up tomorrow and…”

“NO!”  Justin screamed. Lance and the doctor jumped.  Justin’s eyes flew to Lance.  “No.  Lance…no…I can’t…you have to…no…”

The doctor called out the door to a nurse as Lance hopped to his feet and tried to calm Justin down.  The doctor whispered to the nurse, and she soon came back with a syringe.  “Couldn’t I just take him home with me?” Lance asked as Justin clung to him and moaned when the needle hit his leg.

“No…I want him overnight.  We can put a cot in his room for you if that’s the problem,” the doctor replied, looking at Justin sympathetically as he slowly relaxed in Lance’s arms.

“Stay…Lance…” Justin whispered as the sedative took effect.  They settled Justin onto the gurney and Lance watched as an orderly and a nurse wheeled him out to a private room.  The doctor turned to Lance.

“What happened?”

“He showed up on my doorstep, said he was in an accident…but he’s been scared and shivering and stammering since he fell in my door,” Lance told him. The doctor frowned.

“You saw the marks on his throat?”  Lance nodded.  “It looks like someone tried to choke him.”  Lance gasped in horror.  If anyone knew who Justin was, they’d know that crushing his voice if not his life was the worst thing they could do.  “He has a few broken ribs, and you saw the marks on his face.  He was in a fight…and I’d say he got his ass kicked.”  The doctor looked at Lance thoughtfully. “He was so…”

“Dependent…” Lance finished for the doctor.

“Are you two an item?”

Lance blushed furiously.  “No…we…uh…no.”

“The way he attached himself to you…the dependency…usually in a case of mental trauma a person will attach themselves to someone they care about deeply.”

“Well…we’re like brothers,” Lance pointed out.  “But he doesn’t…well…love me…like that.”

“I see.  At any rate, you’re what keeps him grounded it seems, so take very good care of him,” the doctor said, and Lance nodded.  “He’s been through some sort of nightmare.”

 

Lance sat on the edge of the bed watching Justin sleep.  The nurse had stitched up the cut, and Lance sighed as he ran his fingers over the gauze.  His beautiful baby.  His Justin.  Someone had hurt him deeply…and Lance hated it. He also hated himself for even caring after what Justin had done to him, but that hate was buried under the unconditional love.  Justin needed him…and he was going to be there for him no matter what.

 

 

When Justin woke up from the sedative, it was morning. Lance was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him sleep. When Justin’s eyes fluttered open, Lance blushed.  “Hey.”

“Hey.” Justin rubbed his eyes and winced as his hand hit a bruise.  He shivered again as the events of the past night seemed to catch up with him. “Can we go home?”

“Sure…the doctor wants to check you out, then I’ll drop you home.”

“Lance…” Justin began, but was interrupted by the doctor.

“Mr. Timberlake, how are we?”

“Justin,” he replied grudgingly. “Call me Justin.”

“Okay…Justin.”  The doctor asked Justin to sit up and Lance moved to a chair by the bed.  Justin’s eyes never left Lance, as if he were comforting himself by the sight of Lance sitting so close.  “You look good to go…just take it easy for a while, okay?” Justin nodded.  “Now, why don’t you go out to the front desk and sign the release forms?”  Justin looked at Lance.

“I’ll be out in five,” Lance promised.  Justin slowly slipped on the sneakers and went out to the nurses’ station.  The doctor handed Lance a bottle of pills

“Sedatives.  To calm him down if he…you know…gets like he did.”

“But I’m not planning on staying with him,” Lance protested. “I just…I can’t.”

“Someone should,” the doctor said seriously.  “And I think it should be you.”  He turned on a heel and walked out before Lance could protest.

 

Justin followed close behind Lance as they went to the parking lot.  “Lance…thank…thank you…you didn’t have…have to do this.”

“Of course I did, Justin,” Lance said, finally allowing himself to look his friend in the eye.

“You love me,” Justin stated, and for a moment Lance saw his confident friend.

“Yes, I do,” Lance stated just as confidently.  “We all do.”

Justin shut down. “Whatever,” he sulked.  “Let’s go home.”

Lance got behind the wheel and put the car in reverse.  “The doctor wants you to take it easy. Maybe you should go away for a few days and…”

“No.” Justin’s eyes were like steel. “I can’t go away…can’t be alone.”

“Justin, why do you…”

“I can’t…can’t be…be alone…” Justin’s teeth almost chattered as he stumbled over the words.  Lance stared at the man he loved.  If he could hardly talk, how could he sing?

“We could call JC,” Lance decided.  “He’s your best friend and I KNOW he has no life right now and…”

“Not JC…not Joey…and not Chris.”  The dark eyes of Justin Timberlake flared as they looked over at Lance.  “I stay with you or I go by myself.”

“Justin, you can’t go by yourself right now. Something has freaked you and…I can’t stay with you…”

Suddenly Justin’s eyes turned sad…sad and distant.  “Don’t be afraid of me, Lance,” he whispered.  “I can only tell you you’re safe with me.”

“I used to think that,” Lance muttered, but he made the turn to Justin’s house without saying another word.

 

Justin gathered his things and hurried back out to Lance’s car.  They drove back to Lance’s house in silence.  Lance checked the machine as Justin went to the bedroom.  “Yo, Lancelot…this is Josh…um…weren’t we supposed to do lunch or something yesterday? Where the hell where you?  Bailing without comment is Justin’s job…not yours. Call me or I’ll pull out the spiky hair strand by strand.”

Justin stood on the bottom step.  “You guys hate me, don’t you?”

Lance opened his mouth to say that he, of all people, had QUITE the good reason to hate Justin, but he couldn’t.  The sad look on Justin’s face was overpowering.  “Let’s just say we don’t…understand you.  We don’t get the sudden changes.”

Justin’s face grimaced into a frown. “Let’s just say that it wasn’t a change…it was the real me coming out.”  Justin padded by on bare feet and went out to the deck.  Lance went up to his study, determined to work and ignore his houseguest.

 

Lance did no work. He didn’t expect to do any work. He was too busy trying to decipher the puzzle that was Justin Timberlake. He made a list in two columns:  “good” and “bad.”  Good was the fact that Justin was still beautiful, still handsome, still sexy, and still in one piece, thank God.  Justin could still smile at Lance occasionally, and Justin seemed to trust him.  Bad included the fact that Justin had started to stammer.  Justin’s voice was raspy after whatever had grabbed him by the throat.  Justin was quiet and Justin was distant and Justin was afraid.  Deathly afraid. Of something.  Or someone.  Not Lance.

Lance made his own good and bad list.  Good that Justin was here and safe.  Good that Lance could watch over him.  Good that Justin was planning on hanging around a lot.  Wait…that was bad.  Justin said that Lance was safe with him. Good or bad?  Lance groaned and buried his head in his hands.  Dammit, why couldn’t he get the fuck over Justin Timberlake?

 

 

Something brought Lance out of a deep sleep around three in the morning.  He rubbed his eyes and turned on the light by the bed. He almost screamed when he saw Justin standing next to the bed.  “Holy fuck, Justin!” Lance snapped, reminded all too quickly of the last time he woke up to find Justin standing by his bed. 

“I had…had…a nightmare,” Justin said, the pout apparent even through the bruises.  “It was bad.”

“Are you okay?  Do you need anything?”  Lance swung his legs over the edge of the bed.  He looked up at Justin, concern filling his green eyes. Justin’s eyes darted around the room.

“Could…well…could I…sleep here?”

“Justin, I don’t think…” Lance began.  Sleeping next to Justin would mean that Lance wouldn’t sleep. Not at all. It had been years since he had shared a bed with Justin, and he knew it would be pure hell for him.  How do you hide an erection from someone sleeping that close to you?

“I can’t…be…be alone…it’s too bad…” Justin whispered.  “I swear to God I won’t touch you.  Can I sleep on the floor? I could sleep on the floor…then I won’t touch you and I won’t be alone and I can sleep. I am so tired, Lance…” Justin babbled without stuttering.  Lance’s heart did flipflops.

“God, Justin, no. You’re NOT sleeping on the floor.  Get your cute ass in this bed,” Lance said before he thought.  Justin actually smiled.

“You’re right…it is kinda cute.”  He crawled into bed next to Lance.  Lance scooted away from him for more reasons then one.  He rolled on his side, his back to Justin.  “Thanks,” he barely heard Justin whisper.

“No problem,” Lance said, ordering his heart and body to ignore Justin’s presence.

But of course he couldn’t. It seemed like days until he heard Justin’s peaceful breathing, and he slowly rolled over.  He hadn’t turned the light off, and he could see Justin’s bruised face. His heart ached, and he wanted to kill the person who had harmed his beautiful boy.  True, Justin wasn’t his boy, but more than likely he wasn’t ANYONE’s boy, so that gave Lance a fair shot, right?  He reached out and lightly brushed his hand over Justin’s short hair, desperately missing the curls.  He jumped as Justin slowly reached up and took his hand, pulling it against his chest.  He could feel Justin’s relaxed heartbeat.  Justin wrapped both arms around Lance’s hand and arm, cradling it as if it were a stuffed animal.  Lance held his breath.  Justin didn’t wake up, but Lance distinctly heard the word that was whispered on a breath of air.  “Safe.”

 

When Lance opened his eyes the next morning, he wondered how he had ever gotten to sleep. Somehow during the night Justin had burrowed himself tight up against Lance’s chest. His face was pressed against Lance’s tshirt, and his long legs were intertwined with Lance’s.  Lance closed his eyes and swallowed deeply.  His mind said get up and get out, but his heart and body were too busy enjoying the moment he had dreamt of for years.  So what if Justin was sleeping and only looking for someone to comfort him?  It was Lance he had run to, and Lance was going to enjoy this brief moment of heaven.  Lance inhaled the warm morning scent that was Justin, and finally he made himself get up and climb out of bed.

When he got downstairs, he called the local police. He inquired about Justin’s car, asking if a car similar to Justin’s had been reported on Decatur Road.  Yes, the officer said, but the car had not been in an accident. It had been reported deserted.  Lance took down the information then called a towing company.

Justin slept through the morning, and Lance was grateful.  If Justin was going to get any kind of better, sleep was what he needed.  The phone rang at eleven-thirty, and Lance grabbed it before it woke his sleeping beauty. “Hello!”

“Well, you AREN’T dead.”

“Hello, JC.”  Lance sat down in a recliner and flopped his legs over the arm.  “I’m sorry I didn’t call you…I was busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Nosy. Have you been taking lessons from Chris?”

“I just wanna know what was more important then lunch with me.”

JC sounded so much like Diva Justin that Lance had to grin.  “Justin was…he needed…help…so I was helping him.”

“Oh God.”  Lance could see JC’s blue eyes rolling.  “Help with what?”

“He was…uh…in an accident and…”

“Was he drunk again? Dammit, that boy is gonna get himself killed, or at least maimed or something. What a dumbass.”

“Justin is NOT a dumbass, Josh!” Lance growled.  “He’s messed up right now…hurting…confused…but he’s not a dumbass and if you call him that again I will kick our scrawny white ass!”

“Lance, calm down. Since when are you Justin’s knight in shining armor?”

“Since he made me his knight in shining armor.”  Lance was pissed and spoke without thinking.  “For once he needs ME.  Someone needs ME.  I love him and it’s my job to watch over him.  See, I’m able to do that without judging him…unlike you selfish assholes.  So if you plan on bitching about Justin, do NOT call me.”  Lance slammed the phone down and punched the back of the chair. “Fuck,” he said to himself.  He didn’t notice Justin on the steps.

“Lance.”

Lance jumped up, running a hand through his hair.  “Justin! Morning!  I mean, afternoon!  Would you like brunch or lunch or breakfast or something?”

“Lance.”  Justin walked over to Lance, still slightly limping.  He opened his arms and hugged his shocked friend.  “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Lance whispered, confused.  Justin squeezed once then pulled back. 

“Can I borrow swim trunks?”

“Sure…in the closet next to your bedroom door,” Lance said softly.

“Will you come outside with me?”

“Yeah…I could use some sun,” Lance said finally. “I’ll make us something to eat while you get dressed.”

“Good.” Justin went back up the steps without another word.

 

Lance placed a tray of sandwiches on a table by the pool and went in to change his clothes.  He was naked and digging through his dresser for his favorite swimsuit when Justin walked into his bedroom. “Lance, I…” Justin froze as Lance blushed furiously and dug harder for the suit.  “I’m sorry…I should have knocked…” Justin’s eyes wandered over Lance’s body even as he apologized.  “I just was gonna ask…for…towels…” Justin’s voice faded away.  “I’ll go…outside…” he almost ran from the room.

Lance sat down on the bed, swimsuit in hand.  How embarrassing. Thank God he hadn’t gotten hard just from Justin looking at him. It had happened before…onstage, even.  But Justin had looked…really looked at him…if roles would have been reversed, Lance would have said Justin was looking at him lustfully.  But Justin wouldn’t do that. Lance looked at Justin lustfully all the time, but Lance was Lance and NOT Justin and not someone Justin would lust over.  He knew that for a fact.

 

When he got down to the pool, Justin was floating on a raft and munching on a sandwich. “You’d better not get crumbs in my pool,” Lance called.  He was answered by a turkey sandwich flying at his head.  He shouted and dove into the pool.  Justin was quickly dumped off the raft and pushed underwater.

“Ow!”  Justin yelled, coming up for air.

“Oh, shit.  Oh, Justin. I forgot…I’m so sorry.”  Lance’s eyes searched Justin’s face lovingly. “Did I hurt you?”

“Are you that dumb that you’d fall for that?”  Lance saw Justin’s sunny smile before he felt Justin’s hands push him under.  He surfaced with a sputter and swam after Justin’s retreating body.  Justin laughed for the first time in ages, and Lance felt pride well inside of him.  Justin might be going insane, but Lance could still make him laugh. Maybe the doctors would put them in a padded cell together, just like in the “I Drive Myself Crazy” video.

They chased each other around the pool for a while, then Lance dragged another raft into the water and they floated around. They talked about everything but the night in Lance’s room and whatever had happened to Justin. They talked about Joey and Chris and JC. They talked about what they’d like the next album to be. They talked about solo careers, mainly Justin’s. They talked about Lance’s company.  Soon they were silent and simply floated.

“You didn’t have to let me in the other night,” Justin said finally.  Lance opened his eyes.

“Hello, you were bleeding and fainted on my doorstep.  Was I just supposed to shut the door?”

“I would have,” Justin muttered.

“No you wouldn’t have. If Joey or Chris showed up like that, you’d…”

“If they had treated me the way I treated you, I would have,” Justin said.  He turned his head to look at Lance, his hand grabbing Lance’s raft and holding it still.  “I’m gay, Lance.”

“I know, Justin.”

“That’s where the hickey came from.”

“I know, Justin.”

Justin swallowed deeply. “That’s why I dumped Britney. I couldn’t handle that lie anymore.”

“I know, Justin.”  Lance continued to repeat the words in a soothing tone, hoping Justin would start to open up a bit more.

“I went out every night to get laid.  Well…not really.  Mostly blow jobs and hand jobs.  Not much sex. If you have sex, they want more.”

Lance closed his eyes and remembered Justin’s words.  I don’t have to worry that you’ll give away my secret…that you’ll want more than this… “You deserve better then that anyway, Justin,” Lance said firmly.  Justin smiled the old sly Justin smile.

“Like you?”

“No.  Someone who loves you, though, and can give you more than a quick lay.”

Justin closed his eyes again.   “I can’t be gay and be Justin Timberlake.”

“Yes, you can.”

“No, I can’t.  Not Justin Timberlake of *NSYNC.”

“Yes, you can. You have been.”

“And I’ve been an A Number One Asshole while trying to do it.  I could get dressed in black, go to these bars, and forget who I was.  I was just a hot guy there…everyone wanted in my pants, Lance.”

Lance didn’t want to hear this.  “Stop it, Justin.”

“They did.  Even more then you do.  They wanted to fuck me so bad…but I wouldn’t let them. I’m better then that.”  Justin smiled his lazy smile.  “But they wanted it…and I liked knowing it.  So I let them blow me…let them touch me.  I was someone else and I loved it.”

“Stop it.  I’m getting out.”

“No. Stay.”  Justin grabbed Lance’s wrist.  “When I showed up that first night…you took me in…took care of me…why?”

“You’re my friend and my brother and I…”

“You love me?  How much?” Justin tilted his head, and Lance could see the mean streak pass through the blue eyes.  Lance knew that.  Whenever Justin wanted to maliciously hurt someone, the streak passed through. He had seen it directed at Chris many times.  Chris was able to blow it off.  Lance was not.  “You let me into your bedroom…let me do what I did…and now you’re taking care of me.”

“I didn’t LET you into my room.  I didn’t LET you do anything,” Lance snapped in a shaky voice.  He had needed this confrontation for a while, but all he wanted to do was push the subject aside.  He had Justin here now, and Justin was all that mattered.

“You didn’t push me away, did you?” Justin sat up on the raft. “You wanted me to do that.  You wanted me to fuck you?  What’s going on your head, Lance?  You’re more fucked up then I am right now.”

“Doubtful,” Lance snapped, hopping off his raft and wading to the steps. 

“You wanted it,” Justin repeated, and for a split second Lance couldn’t remember why he loved this man.

“I am not having this conversation with you, Justin.”  Lance stepped out of the pool.

“If I asked to suck your dick right this second, would you let me?  You would, wouldn’t you. You let me that night. I did everything you wanted.”

“No!  No, you didn’t.  You fucked me. You didn’t love me, and that’s all I ever wanted!”  Lance almost screamed.  Justin stared at him.  “You just don’t get it, do you. You think everyone is out for you body, or your talent, or what you can give them.  I only wanted your heart, Justin. Do you have one?”  Lance stormed into the house.

 

 

Lance sat at the dining room table of his large dining room, staring out the double doors but not really seeing anything.  The breeze blew across him and he closed his eyes.  Damn Justin Timberlake. Damn him to hell.  Lance made fists and pounded himself in the forehead.  Why the HELL couldn’t he get over Justin? Why did he have to love him so much? Why were there so many wonderful things about Justin that made Lance love him?  Justin was right, Lance WAS fucked up.  Badly.  He needed to get Justin out of the house.  He’d deposit him in a damn institution if that was what it would take.  Justin needed help, and Lance needed help. Lance needed to get away from Justin…away from the sunny smile and sexy body and…

A scream jolted Lance out of his reverie.  A loud frightened scream. Justin’s scream.  Lance was out the back door and down the steps to the pool before he knew he was even in motion.  Chris was trying to hold Justin down as Joey cursed and held a hand over his face.  “What’s going on?”

“Holy shit, Lance…Justin’s going ballistic!”  Chris yelled over Justin’s screams.  Justin fought against Chris with all his might, and as soon as Chris let him go, Justin turned on him ferociously.  Chris put up his arms as Justin released a punch.

“Justin!”  Lance put a hand on Justin’s back and Justin stopped the punch inches from Chris’ face.  Justin whirled around, fear and panic covering his face.  “Justin…it’s me.”

“Lance?”  Justin froze and looked at him. He began to shiver.  “They…I…I…was here and…and…and…laying down and they…they…”

Lance carefully put an arm around Justin’s shoulders.  “Calm down.  Let’s go inside.”  He continued to talk in a soothing tone as he led Justin up the steps.  “Joey, are you okay?” Lance called over his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Joey growled as Chris tried to inspect his eye.

“He grabbed me!” Justin screamed, whirling around.  “He was…”

“Justin, calm down…” Lance said again, calmly hooking an arm around Justin’s slender waist.  Justin shivered and moved in closer.  “Chris, could you please go upstairs to the bathroom? In the medicine cabinet are aspirin for Joey, and a bottle of pills with Justin’s name on it. Could you bring me just one of those pills please?”

“Um…yeah…sure…” Chris said, staring at Justin as he went through the back door ahead of them.

“Joey, there is an icepack in the freezer if you want it.”

“Thanks.”  Lance led Justin into the living room as Joey went to the kitchen.

“Come lay down, Justin.”  Lance patted the sofa, which was definitely big enough for Lance to sit on and Justin to lay on.  But Justin sprawled out with his head on Lance’s body, legs stretched out in front of him. Lance sighed but said nothing.  Justin burrowed his head into Lance’s chest.  “Calm down, baby,” Lance said soothingly, the endearment flowing out unconsciously.  “Rest.”

“They…they…came in the back of the yard…through…through the gate…and…and…Joey…grabbed me…” Justin told Lance, his eyes huge.  Gone was the dickhead man who had taunted Lance in the pool. Lance’s heart melted.

“I’m here…you’re safe now, right?” Justin nodded slowly. 

“Here.”  Chris handed Lance the pill and a glass of water.  He stared at Justin.

“Sit up, Justin.”  Lance nudged Justin up into a sitting position.

“What’s that?”  Justin growled. “I don’t do drugs.”

“Take the damn pill, you spoiled brat!”  Lance snapped.  Justin briefly smiled, then took the pill and the water.  Joey returned to the room, icepack against his cheek. Justin froze and looked at Lance.

“Relax,” Lance said softly.  “The pill will help you calm down.” He whispered something in Justin’s ear.  Justin frowned and looked up at Joey.

“I’m s-s-s-sorry…I’m sorry I…I…I…hit…hit you, Joe…” Justin said finally.  Chris’ mouth fell open and Joey tried to quickly recover.

“It’s okay, Justin. I’m sorry I scared you…I didn’t think you would freak out.”

“It’s okay,” Justin repeated, nodding. 

“Lay down,” Lance ordered, and Justin finally swung his legs up onto the sofa, snuggling his head onto Lance’s lap.  He continued to shiver until Lance draped his arm over Justin’s chest.  “Go to sleep,” Lance said softly, his fingers stroking where the curls used to be.

“Not…tired…” Justin managed before finally dozing off.

“Hey…” JC opened the door and walked in.  He froze as he saw Justin sleeping on Lance’s lap, and Joey and Chris staring openmouthed. “Um…there’s a tow truck in your driveway with Justin’s car on it?  You said he was in an accident.”

“He was,” Lance replied. “Chris, can you take that check out to the guy?”  He motioned to a check on the table by the front door.

“Sure.” Chris grabbed the check and went out the door.

“What are you doing here?” Lance asked Joey. “And what are YOU doing here?”  He turned on JC.

“We just came to say hi,” Joey said.

“I came over to apologize. I was gonna say I’m sorry, that I was wrong about some things…but now I don’t think I’m so wrong.” JC’s blue eyes drifted down to Justin.  Justin whimpered slightly and Lance held him tighter.

“Um, what’s going on?” Joey asked.  “Why did Justin hit me?”

“Justin hit you?” JC seemed to see Joey for the first time.

“And why do you have prescription drugs for him in your bathroom?” Chris asked, entering the room.  Lance sighed.

“Justin had…an accident the other night…he’s been…traumatized, and I’ve been taking care of him.”

“He was stuttering,” Joey said.

“Justin doesn’t stutter…ever…” Chris added.

“Like I said…he was in an accident and he is a bit freaked out.  He has nightmares.  He gets…scared.  The pills are a sedative.  This is the first time I had to use them, actually.”

“He doesn’t look like he got in an accident.  He looks like he got in a fight,” JC pointed out.  Lance glared.

“JC, if you don’t shut up about this, WE are gonna get in a fight.”

“You meant it, didn’t you,” JC said suddenly. “You love him.  You’re IN love with him.”

Two pair of brown eyes swerved from Lance to JC to Lance again. “Yes.  I do. I love Justin.  Someone has to, since all you guys do is pick on him,” Lance said defensively.

“Bullshit. You don’t just love him. We just love him. You’re IN love with him,” JC snapped back.

“So?  So what?”

“Have you even THOUGHT…no…wait.  Lemme reword that.  Loving Justin is the craziest thing you could do.  Not only will it freak out the world, but hello, have you noticed what a basket case he is when he’s NOT getting into “accidents” or whatever you call them?”  JC said.  “Lance…you’re normal and level headed and…”

“Boring and everything Justin isn’t. I know that. But I can’t help the way I feel.  Justin needs me and I’m gonna be here for him.”

“This is crazy.” Joey began to pace as he held his icepack.  “You’re gay?”

“Um…yeah,” Lance said, and felt as if a weight lifted off his shoulders.

“You like guys?” Chris asked.

“Yes…well…no…just one guy. Justin.  It’s always been Justin.” Lance smiled down at the peaceful face of his sleeping boy.

“Does he know?”  Joey asked.

“Yes.” Lance’s voice faltered.  JC’s eyes narrowed.

“Did something happen between you two?”

“No.”  Lance prayed that his eyes did not give away the lie.  “Not at all. Justin’s not…he doesn’t want me like that.”

“Thank God. You deserve better then Justin,” JC said with a sigh.  Lance began to growl.  “Lance…you deserve someone that’s not gonna give you the runaround. Justin’s not gay. I love him to death, but he’ll only use this to his advantage, like he is right now…getting you to take care of him like a baby.”

“Justin came to me in the middle of the night after the accident.  I’m gonna be here for him. I’d do the same for any of you,” Lance pointed out. “Right now I think we need to get away.  We need a secluded place where Justin can get better.”  And I can get over Justin, Lance finished to himself.

“I have a friend in South Carolina who told me I can use his house anytime,” Joey said suddenly.  “I could call him.”

“You have a friend in South Carolina?”  JC asked.

“You have a friend?” Chris asked.  Joey smacked him.

“Yeah…Joe…that would be great,” Lance said gratefully.  He carefully slid out from under Justin, covered him with an afghan, and the four men went to the kitchen to talk.

 

 

“Justin…we’re here.” Lance nudged Justin, who woke with a start.

“’Kay.”  Justin pulled himself together and picked up his tiny duffle bag.  Lance sighed and picked up his own things.

Joey had worked a miracle and three days after the incident around the pool, Lance and Justin were getting off a private plane on a small airstrip in South Carolina.  Not only did Joey’s friend have a getaway house, he had a private plane, and they were shipped to South Carolina with utmost privacy.  “Ready?”  Lance asked Justin, who nodded simply.  Lance sighed again.  He wasn’t sure who he liked better…Silent Justin or Dickhead Justin.

Silent Justin had been hovering around since the day around the pool.  Joey had easily carried Justin up to bed in the guestroom, and he had slept the rest of the afternoon. If he woke up at all, Lance never saw him.  Lance ate dinner by himself and went to bed around ten.  At midnight he was once again awakened by the presence of Justin in the room, and Justin didn’t even have to ask.  Lance swept the covers aside and Justin gratefully crawled in. He didn’t touch Lance and Lance didn’t touch him. Just knowing Lance was there kept the nightmares away. 

The next night Lance didn’t even try to make Justin sleep in the guestroom. “Ready for bed?” He asked at around eleven, and Justin nodded, surprised.  Justin brushed his teeth and Lance turned down the covers and they got into bed together as if they had been doing it for years.  Lance was nervous; part of him wanted to shove Justin away, part of him wanted to ravage Justin’s body and part of him wanted to cuddle Justin close and protect him from his own dreams.  But they slept.

 

Justin silently followed him to the car Joey had rented for them. He climbed into the passenger seat, closed his eyes, and sighed deeply.  Lance glanced at him as he got behind the wheel.  “We’re gonna be about five miles from the beach,” Lance said.  Justin nodded.  “And this place has a pool, and it’s near some woods. We can hike, lay around the pool, whatever you want.”  Justin silently nodded again and Lance frowned.  Helping Justin was NOT going to be easy.

Lance followed the simple directions and they soon pulled up in front of a huge house.  Lance’s mouth fell open and even Justin had to remove his sunglasses.  “This…this…this is a vacation…vacation house?” Justin said, and Lance felt like stuttering himself.

“I’d hate to see his REAL house,” Lance replied.  Justin gave one of his now rare smiles.  “Here.  Go choose your room.”  Lance handed Justin the key as he popped the trunk.  “I’ll be in.”

“I’ll wait,” Justin said quickly, pocketing the key and picking up his suitcases.  Lance knew he didn’t want to walk into the strange house alone.

“Good…didn’t feel like dragging your stuff in anyway, Diva.”

“I’m not a Diva,” Justin retorted, but smiled again.

They lugged their bags to the door and Justin opened it. They walked into a large, open living room, and dropped their bags.  “Can we just LIVE here…like forever?” Lance said, turning around in awe.  The house was beautiful yet lived in…a very comfortable place.

“I’m all for that,” Justin said. He put the bags down and scampered up the steps.  Lance grinned.  He hadn’t seen Justin move like that in ages.  “Lance, you gotta see these rooms!”  Justin called.

Lance slowly carried his bags up the steps and deposited in the hallway.  “Wow.”  Lance poked his head in one of the three bedrooms.

“Which one is ours?”  Justin asked.  Lance froze. Justin froze.  “I…I mean…which one do you…you…you want?”  He stammered, and Lance’s heart fell.

“I don’t know. Which one do you want?” Lance asked, an idea forming.

“I like this one.” Justin wandered into a back room that overlooked the pool.  “I like that you can see so much of the sky over the trees.

“Then I want this one, too.”  Lance grabbed his bags and dumped them on the bed.  “Go get your stuff and put it in one of the other rooms. This closet isn’t really big enough for both of our things.”  Tears welled up in Justin’s eyes and he sat down hard on a chair.  Lance hurried over.  “Are you okay? Did you pull something carrying your bags?”

Justin sniffled and angrily wiped the tears away.  “You…you’re gonna let me sleep in here with you?”

“Sure. Not like you won’t end up in here anyway.”  Lance rolled his eyes and smiled at Justin.

“You…you make the nightmares…go away…” Justin said softly.  Lance bravely placed a hand on Justin’s knee.

“I’m glad I can do that for you.”

“Do you love me?”

The question shocked Lance.  “Yes.”

“Are you in love with me?”  Lance stared at him, unable to answer.  “I heard you talking to JC and Joey and Chris. I wasn’t all the way asleep yet.  You’re in love with me, aren’t you.”

“Yes.”  Lance looked him in the eye.

“Why?”

Lance stared at him again.  “Because you’re Justin. You’re handsome and sexy and funny and kind and sweet and talented.  I could go on and on.”

Justin glared at him.  “But that’s not me. I’m not the Justin on your pedestal, Lance.”

“I…I know that but I don’t care.”

“You need to take more pride in yourself, Lance. All I’ve done to you…imposed myself on your life, showed up on your doorstep basically fucked in the head…not to mention the other things…” Justin glided over the truth.  “Yet you still love me?”

“I can’t help it,” Lance admitted, tears swimming in his own eyes.  “I want to be whatever I can for you…help you get better.”

“Maybe you’ll only make things worse,” Justin snapped. He stepped around Lance and left the room.  Lance sighed and sat down on the floor, staring at the carpet.

 

When Lance was done putting his clothing away, he went into the hallway.  The door to one of the guestrooms was closed and he could only assume that Justin was in that room.  He explored the rest of the house then went to the kitchen, which had been stocked at Joey’s request.  He dug through the cupboards and came up with a simple dinner of baked chicken, fried potatoes, broccoli, and salad.  He was slicing potatoes when Justin came into the room.

“Can I help you?”

“You can get a salad together.”

“Cool.” Justin went to the cutting board and began to pull apart a head of lettuce.  “What’s for dinner?”

“Chicken. Potatoes. Broccoli.”

“Broccoli?”

“You have to get over this fear of vegetables, Justin,” Lance teased lightly.  “You need healthy food to help your body repair. Vitamin D and all that.”

“Whatever.”  Justin rolled his eyes.

“You can cover it in butter,” Lance told him and Justin finally had to smile.

They chatted about safe subjects as they prepared dinner.  Justin poured glasses of iced tea as Lance set the table, and they continued to talk through dinner. It was the most energetic Justin had been in a while, and Lance hoped that getting away from everything familiar would be the key to helping him.  If only HE could get over Justin now.

“Can we take a walk?” Justin asked as they finished. Lance looked at the pile of dishes in the sink.

“Well, we should really…yeah…let’s walk.”  Lance stood up from the table.  They pulled on sneakers and went out to the path behind the house. 

They walked in silence, Lance leading the way with Justin close behind him.  “You don’t seem like the nature type,” Justin said finally.  Lance turned around to glare.

“And you are?”

“No. None of us really is.  But you REALLY aren’t.” Justin picked up one of Lance’s arms. “Look at that pasty skin. We should get you some of that tanning lotion…you know…it automatically makes you look tan?”

“Anything else you’d like to insult me about?” Lance snapped. “I know I’m nowhere near good enough for you…anything else you’d like to point out?”

Justin stared at him.  “I’m…I’m sorry…Lance…I was just…just…teasing.”

Lance frowned.  Dammit.  Justin had been speaking normally all this time, and Lance had snapped him right back into stuttering. “It’s okay, Justin. I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”

“And what did you mean that you’re not good enough for me?”

“Let’s keep walking. It will be dark soon.”

“I’m not going anywhere until you answer me.” Justin folded his arms over his chest and glared at Lance.  Lance looked at the flexing biceps and almost whimpered.

“You’re Justin,” Lance said finally, deciding to be truthful.  “Everyone loves you.”

“Everyone loves you, too.”

“Everyone loves you,” Lance continued.  “Fans, everyone. You’re so…special. You can sing…”

“So can you.”

“And you can write music and you’re funny and charismatic and…better.”

“Then what?”

“Then me.”

Justin got in Lance’s face, his bruised skin inches from Lance’s fair skin.  “You think that?  I’m all that and a bag of chips, huh?  Wrong.  You’ve seen me. You’ve seen the real me.  I go out and get blow jobs from strangers because I’m too chicken to find a man.  Too chicken to come out of the closet.  You came out to your closest friends simply to justify taking care of me. You could have come out about EVERYTHING…about me, the way I am, the things I’ve done.  But you didn’t.  You hid it all…hid the pain…for ME.  Your love for me is something like I’ve never seen, Lance. I have never treated anyone as good as you’ve been treating me.  Even after I shit all over you, you still love me. I don’t understand that. I don’t know what to think of it. Basically, you’re insane. But so am I now, so THAT part I understand.”  Justin paused for breath. 

Bugs feasted on Lance’s skin but he ignored them. For the first time, Justin was opening up.  Justin continued.  “Your love frightened the hell out of me. I felt it that night when I was in bed and you touched my face…touched the bruise. I felt the love then, but didn’t recognize it for what it was.  You always listened, tried to find out the why instead of just dealing with the what.  I never knew.  That’s why I came to you…because I felt you were trying to understand.  But I never knew why.”  Justin reached out and tenderly touched Lance’s cheek. Lance ordered himself not to tremble. “I can only say this once. I’m gonna say it and then I’m gonna walk back to the house and take a shower because I really need to be alone.” Justin took a deep breath.  “I’m very VERY sorry about that night.  About raping you. I…was feeling low and I was mad at myself for getting in the fight and I was angry at the world.  I thought you would want the sex and that would be all.  That you wouldn’t want anymore. I knew you wanted me, but I took advantage of you.  Now I know I took advantage of your love for me, and that’s why you couldn’t say no.  You let me do it.  But I still took advantage and it’s something I can NEVER apologize enough for. I wish I could explain to you more about why I did that…maybe someday I can. But for now I can promise you that I will never touch you…hurt you…like that again.”

Justin turned and started back down the trail.  He froze, however, as Lance spoke.  “You didn’t rape me.”

Justin slowly turned to face Lance.  “Huh?”

“Ever hear that old phrase you can’t rape the willing?”

“Lance, you might have been willing to have sex with me…make love to me…whatever…but you were NOT willing to just let me take you like that.”

“But…”

“God, Lance!”  Justin’s hand flew out to slap Lance’s face before either man realized it.  “Snap out of this! Stop looking at me with that love in your eyes.  It makes it so damn hard to live with what I did.”

“I do love you…and I forgive you. I know you did something wrong. I KNOW that,” Lance insisted. “But you didn’t rape me.  Rape is forcing sex on someone who most certainly does not want it. I wanted it from you…not quite like THAT…I mean, you did shatter the dream sex I’ve been having with you for like six years…but you did nothing truly against my will.”

“You really believe that, don’t you?” Justin whispered, and Lance nodded.  Justin thought for a moment.  “Let’s go back. I DO need a shower.”  Lance once more led the way.  “So…tell me more about the six years of dream sex,” the voice behind him said, and Lance grinned.  That sounded more like the Justin he had loved then anything he had heard in a LONG time.

 

 

Justin went up to take his shower when they returned to the house, and Lance busied himself cleaning up the kitchen.  He was glad that his mother, and Justin’s mother, when his own wasn’t around, had taught him how to cook.  He could make something out of nothing, and it was something the rest of NSYNC loved him for.  They got sick of restaurants and room service, and if they were in a suite on the road that had a kitchen, the guys pitched in for the food and Lance would cook it.  Chris was a nightmare in the kitchen, Joey could only cook Italian food, JC hated cooking, and Justin…well…Justin had no interest in chores such as cooking. 

Lance began to hum to himself as he scrubbed at the grease in the bottom of the chicken pan.  It was the last dish, and he was eager to get his hands out of the soapy water.  The humming turned to singing as he scrubbed.  “I wish you’d look at me that way…your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine…telling me more than any words could say…but you don’t even know I’m alive…baby to you all I am…is the invisible man…”

“I guess it’s too late for me to ask if you need help, huh?” Justin said from the doorway.  Lance jumped and suds flew.

“It’s fine.  I don’t mind doing it,” Lance replied, his face a burning red. Justin sat down at the kitchen table, wearing only a pair of baggy shorts.

“I think you need to sing more solos,” Justin decided, and Lance couldn’t help but smile. The blue eyes were thoughtful. “Really.  You have such a good voice.”

“Finally! The prayers of the six Lance Bass fans are answered!”  Lance said with false joy.  Justin glared.

“You have more then six fans and you know it.  It would be a challenge, anyway…writing for a low voice like yours.”

“The porn voice,” Lance groaned, rolling his eyes. Justin began to smile.

“The WHAT?”

“Haven’t you ever hit those fan lists?  I have a porn voice…pornBABY voice, to some. I have a porn voice, and you have electric hips and Chris is crazy and Joey is huggable and JC is just sexy.”  By the time Lance finished Justin was almost falling on the floor.

“Oh…man…Lance…I haven’t laughed that hard in FOREVER.”  Justin tried to catch his breath.  Lance couldn’t help but smile back as he dried his hands on a dishtowel.

“Good.”  Lance sat down across the table from Justin.  They looked at each other for a moment.

“I think we should start a game. Every night we sit down and we get to ask each other questions. Personal questions.  And you have to answer.”

“Justin…since when are you a therapist?”

“Since we both need one,” Justin said calmly.  “What do you think?”

“Um…okay…”

“But not tonight.”  Justin yawned big.  “It’s only nine-thirty, but DAMN I’m tired.”

“Why don’t you go up to bed?” Lance suggested.  “Read a book or something. I’m gonna dig around here…see what’s good for us to eat.”

“Not more broccoli.” Justin wrinkled his nose and Lance fought the urge to kiss Justin’s face off.

“No…but maybe something good like string beans or peas or brussel sprouts.”

“You don’t really love me,” Justin moaned as he stood.  Lance stood as well.  Justin looked at him hesitantly, and suddenly Lance was pulled into a giant hug.  “Good night, Lance.  Don’t wait too long…I can’t fight the nightmares forever.”

“One day you will…and you won’t need me anymore,” Lance said softly, his forehead pressed to Justin’s.  Justin didn’t look as if he agreed, but he kept quiet about it.

 

Lance smiled to himself as he climbed the stairs an hour later.  He had thoroughly investigated the kitchen and pantry, and in the back of the large pantry was a door. He went through the door and found steps to a basement. In the basement he found a tiny recording studio, complete with baby grand piano. Justin would be ecstatic.  Lance couldn’t wait until the next day to show him.

Lance quickly did his bathroom business and crawled into bed next to Justin. He was slowly getting used to the idea of sleeping next to him. Sometimes he just watched Justin…watched the frowning forehead as bad dreams almost overtook him…then Justin would reach out, simply brush against Lance’s arm or body, and then peace would wash over his face. 

Lance sighed and turned onto his stomach, facing away from Justin.  He thought progress was being made…the nightmares did seem to fade when he was around, and Justin had actually laughed that night…but how long could he do it?  How long could he be Justin’s knight in shining armor without losing himself.  You’ve already lost yourself, Lance argued in his head. You only think about him…you’re only living for him.  Lance’s heart quickly retorted, But he’s totally worth living for.  Lance groaned and pulled the pillow over his head.

 

Lance was awakened by a smack in the face.  “Justin, what the hell…” Lance sat up angrily, then realized Justin wasn’t awake.  He flipped on a light.  Justin wasn’t awake but he was yelling…and struggling…and crying. Crying Justin simply wasn’t something Lance could put up with.  He tried to pull Justin into an embrace, but Justin fought louder, babbling something about not touching him or else.  Lance ran a hand through his hair in frustration.  He sat up next to Justin and began to talk softly, telling Justin how glad he was that Justin was safe with him. He knew nothing would get to Justin, certainly not while Lance was there to protect him. He spoke in a similar fashion for about ten minutes, and Justin seemed to finally hear him.  Justin stopped yelling, stopped struggling, and finally stopped crying.  When he was reduced to shivering, his eyes opened.  He stared at Lance.

“What…what…”

“A nightmare,” Lance said softly.

“Did I…hit you…I’m…sorry…sorry!”  Justin sat up and stared at the small bruise on Lance’s face.

“It’s okay.  Now we match,” Lance said with a small smile.  Justin continued to shiver as a hand reached out to gently stroke Lance’s smooth cheek.

“I said I’d never hurt you again.”

“Not on purpose,” Lance pointed out. “It’s okay, Justin, honestly.  Are YOU okay?”

“It happened again,” Justin whispered, the stammer slowly leaving.  “It’s always the same…always.”

“Wanna tell me about it?” Justin shook his head violently.  “Okay, that’s fine,” Lance said quickly.  He lay down and Justin immediately snuggled up close to him. Lance was shocked, but made himself relax.  “Just go back to sleep,” Lance said. “I’m here for you.”

“You told me that…you said you’d protect me.”

“That’s right,” Lance said.

“Thank you.”  Justin closed his eyes but he couldn’t fight the whirlwind in his brain.  “Sing.”

“Sing?”

“Sing to me. Sing me to sleep.”

“You want a lullaby?” Lance began to laugh then realized Justin was serious.   “I don’t know any lullabies.”

“Sing anything.  Sing whatever comes into your head.”

Lance sighed and thought for a moment. “Oh you can be what you wanna be…see what you wanna see…believe in yourself…just believe in yourself…”

Justin laughed and poked him.  “Anything except Sesame Street songs.”

“Show me the meaning of being lonely…is this the feeling…” Justin poked harder before Lance could finish.

“And NO Backstreet songs!”

Lance laughed and closed his eyes, enjoying Justin’s closeness.  He let his mind go blank and began to sing the very first song that came into his head. “Turn down the lights…turn down the bed…turn down these voices inside my head…lay down with me…and tell me no lies…just hold me close…and don’t patronize…don’t patronize me…”  Lance’s eyes flew open. “Um…maybe I shouldn’t sing this.”

“No…go ahead…I like this song…” Justin said drowsily.

“Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t…you can’t make your heart feel something it won’t…here in the dark…in these final hours…I can lay down my heart…and I’ll feel the power…but you won’t…no you won’t…I can’t make you love me…if you don’t…”

“Keep going…” Justin whispered.  “You sing…good…”

Lance fought back tears. This song had always killed him, and singing it to the person he loved most wasn’t helping any.  But Justin wanted him to keep singing. “I close my eyes…then I won’t see…the love you don’t feel…when you’re holding me…morning will come…and I’ll do what’s right…just give me til then…to give up this fight…and I will give up this fight…”

Lance could tell by the gentleness of Justin’s breathing that he was finally asleep. Lance slowly started to move, but Justin held on tighter.  Lance finally gave in.  He pulled Justin tight against him, kissed the soft forehead, then tucked Justin’s head under his chin before allowing himself to fall asleep.

 

 

Lance stirred early the next morning. He felt Justin stretch beside him, but he didn’t open his eyes.  He heard Justin sigh, then heard a soft chuckle. During the night, they had somehow changed places.  His head was pressed tight against Justin’s soft chest.  Lance was mortified, and prayed that the usual morning erection would not immediately present itself.  He kept his eyes shut and feigned sleep.  Justin sighed again.  “Sleep tight…angel.”  Lance completely froze as he felt soft lips press to the top of his head, then Justin carefully slipped out of bed and left the room, closing the door behind him. Before Lance could process the situations, he dozed off again.

 

He didn’t wake up again for another two hours.  When he finally padded downstairs on bare feet, Justin was out on the deck by the pool, drinking orange juice and flipping through some magazines he had found. “Hey,” Lance said sleepily.

“You have bedhead,” Justin remarked, smiling up at Lance.

“At least I HAVE hair,” Lance retorted, and Justin laughed out loud.  “Hungry?”

“I could eat,” Justin admitted. “I saw like bread and cereal and stuff…but I wanted to wait for you,” he finished.

Lance chuckled. “You just wanted me to cook you breakfast.”  He arched an eyebrow and Justin blushed.  “Thought so.  I’ll whip up some pancakes or something. Go down in the basement.”

“Alone?”  Fear flashed through Justin’s eyes.  Lance smiled reassuringly.

“I promise you that you’ll be happy you did.  Go.  The door’s in the pantry.”  Lance went into the kitchen. He heard Justin heave a sigh, then saw him wander into the pantry.  He waited a moment, then heard a yelp of delight.  Footsteps scampered up the steps.

“When did you find that?”

“Yesterday.  Pretty cool, huh?”

“Yeah it is!  Maybe I’ll actually write again…I can write that solo for you,” Justin said enthusiastically.

“I won’t hold my breath.  Go back down and play.  I’ll yell when breakfast is ready,” Lance said.  As he started to make pancake batter, he heard Justin go back downstairs.  Soon random piano notes floated up the steps, and Lance smiled. 

He called Justin up about twenty minutes later.  Justin eagerly dug into the pancakes and sausage.  “What are we doing today?”

Lance looked surprised. “Um…well…I didn’t really think I was supposed to plan something.  I just wanted to relax. I thought…we could both use that.”

“Yeah, we could.”  Justin stared into space for a moment. “I haven’t been inspired to write for a while…just unhappy and angry…not good inspirational emotions.  But now…I feel better.”  He looked at Lance.  “You didn’t tell the guys…about me.”

“What about you?” Lance studied his pancakes.

“That I’m gay.”

“No. They didn’t ask me.  They asked about me, not you.”

“Thank you,” Justin said softly. “I mean, I am, and that’s it…but I haven’t found the right way to tell them.”

“It wasn’t my place to tell them.”  Lance took his plate and dumped the contents into the trash. Suddenly he wasn’t hungry. He didn’t like to think of the fact that Justin had experience and lots of it…and none of it was with him.

“I think you should sunbathe and I should write,” Justin decided.  “If not…I’m gonna break out the tanning lotion.”  Lance rolled his eyes.

 

Lance did end up spending most of the day by the pool or in it. He had brought along a lot of FreeLance work that he had been neglecting, and he broke the long hours of reading and writing by jumping into the pool.  Justin spent the morning down at the piano, and Lance didn’t want to disturb him.  Justin wandered up around noon and he made some sandwiches.  Lance looked up in surprise when Justin came out and handed him a plate.

“I’m not TOTALLY useless,” Justin said.  Lance blushed.

“I, well…you…you didn’t need to do this. I don’t mind doing it.”

Justin sat down across the table from Lance. “Lance…you’re not here to serve me, okay? I mean, I can’t do much, not worth much, but you’re NOT my slave.”

“Don’t say that!”  Lance snapped. “You ARE worth a lot.  To me. To everyone.  You can sing and you can write and you can dance and you’re a good friend and…”

“And I’m selfish and I hog the limelight and I’m lazy,” Justin interrupted.  “You, on the other hand, are responsible, kind, thoughtful, talented and cute.”

“I think that…” Lance stopped himself. “You think I’m cute?”

“Sure do.  I’ve always thought you were cute.”  Justin took a bite of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  “You’re even cuter then JC.”

Lance, who thought JC second only to Justin in cuteness, was shocked.  “But he’s…he’s got that body…and the eyes…and the whole legs thing…and he can sing rings around me…and…”

“Number one, what does singing have to do with being cute?” Justin asked, putting his sandwich down.  “Turn off the everyone’s-better-then-Lance-meter for five seconds, okay?  You have a nice body.  Much more to hug then JC.  And your eyes?  Lance, have you LOOKED in a mirror?  You have those green eyes…they’re like…I can’t even compare them to anything. They look…like…otherworldly or something.  Your legs are nice…your ass is nice…your biceps…damn…when did you work out and I missed it?”  Justin asked.  “You have that great smile.  It’s lopsided, which makes it friendly and sincere.  I mean, hell, Lance, you’re cute. And I’m gay. I know these things,” Justin finished with a contagious grin.

“But I’m not like you and JC,” Lance added softly.  Justin’s eyes grew stormy.

“Does JC share my pedestal or is his a bit lower?” Justin snapped.  “Anyone who thinks I’m better then you is crazy…and that would mean YOU are.  Are YOU crazy?”

“I think so,” Lance mumbled.  Justin’s compliments had him blushing furiously, and he knew they were sincere. If there was one thing Justin DIDN’T do, it was give empty compliments. 

“Me too.  And I think I’m just as crazy,” Justin replied, munching at his sandwich.  “Put down that work and swim with me after lunch?”

“Okay,” Lance said, shocked by the quick change of subject. But anything that kept Justin sunny and smiling was fine with him.

 

They spent the afternoon by the pool, and Justin gallantly made some frozen pizzas for dinner.  Lance didn’t talk much over the pizza; he was too nervous about Justin’s “therapy” idea.  What if Justin asked him something he couldn’t answer?  They grabbed a beer from the well-stocked second refrigerator in the pantry and sat out on the deck.  A few candles burned to give them light.  “Okay…go ahead. You first,” Justin said.

“Why me?”

“You’re older…and I know you have a lot to ask. I want you to get to know the REAL me, Lance…not this dream Justin in your mind,” Justin said softly, and Lance was embarrassed.  He felt like Justin was sickened by his devotion. Hell, he sickened himself.

“How did you know…you were gay?” Lance blurted out.

“How did I know?  Well…it was like back when I was around fifteen or so…I just realized that girls didn’t do it for me.  I thought they were pretty and all…but more in the way you’d admire a diamond necklace or a pretty picture or a gorgeous forest or something…I wasn’t attracted to them.  Then I had my first sex thing with a guy around sixteen…and that’s how it’s been.”

“Have you ever had a…boyfriend?”  Lance asked weakly. He was relieved when Justin shook his head.

“Not really. That guy I told you about…with the brother…” Justin closed his eyes and swallowed.  “We were on again off again for a year, but I couldn’t come out and it bothered him.  Then I “hooked up” with Brit, and the rest is history.”

“Does she know?”

“Now she does…when I finally broke up with her I told her. I couldn’t put off sex forever.”

“You guys never…” Lance blushed.

“Nope.  She’s “saving herself,” remember?  Damn, that made it easy,” Justin chuckled.  “She told me she was saving herself, but she wouldn’t mind fooling around. I quickly shot that down, saying that if she was saving herself, she should save it all. Everything she wanted to do to me I could find a guy to do anyway,” Justin finished wryly.  “I mean, I had sex with a girl once or twice, but it was just like, okay, let’s get it over with.  And Britney…well…apparently she found someone else to fool around with, because she never really bothered me about it again. We kissed, but that was it.”

“Wow.”  Lance digested this information.

“What about you?”  Lance could feel Justin’s eyes on him. “When did you know you were gay?”

“I never really did.  I only ever…” Lance squirmed in his seat.

“Tell me,” Justin teased.

“I have only ever liked one person,” Lance finished.  “I have a tiny crush on Drew Lachey, but otherwise…I guess I’m justinsexual,” he finished, trying to joke.  Justin sat down his beer with a thud. 

“You’ve only ever liked me.”  Lance nodded.  “How many guys have you had sex with?”

“None,” Lance answered miserably.  He knew Justin thought he was a dork.

“How many women?”

“None,” Lance whispered.

“Then you were…” Justin’s face went white.  Lance could see it in the faint light.

“I know…a twenty-two year old virgin. How much of a dork can I be, right?” Lance said, blushing in the darkness. 

“Not anymore,” Justin said, standing quickly.  Lance stood as well. 

“Justin, what’s wrong.”

“You…you…you were a virgin…when I…that night…” Justin’s eyes were wide with horror. “I DID rape you.”

“Justin, no. I thought we were over this…yeah…you shoulda asked like to at least kiss me or something…but I wanted to have sex with you.”

“Not like that…that was wrong…I didn’t know…I thought you were…like…like me.” Justin stepped away from Lance’s outstretched hand. “I’m going to bed.”

“Justin, wait…”

Justin slipped into the house before Lance could say more.  Lance cursed and kicked his beer onto the floor.  Dammit.  He hadn’t even considered that when he answered the question. Now Justin would only look at himself in a darker light.  Fuck.

 

Lance went to bed at eleven. The nightmare started at one.  This was different though…Justin didn’t fight anyone. He sobbed…saying he was sorry…telling whoever he was talking to not to touch him…that it was wrong.  Lance sighed as he used what had worked the night before: he lightly slapped Justin on the face.  Justin looked at him miserably, then went to the bathroom. He came back and slipped into bed.  “Can you sing again?” He asked in a tiny voice.  “I like when you sing…it feels like home.”

“Of course,” Lance replied.  He was on his side, facing away from Justin. He felt Justin move close behind him, and an arm draped across his waist.  He rolled to his back and looked over. Justin’s eyes were inches from his face. 

“I’m sorry,” Justin whispered.

“I’m not listening…I don’t hear that,” Lance told him. “I’m singing.”  Lance thought for a moment.

“That’s thinking, not singing.”  Lance poked him.

“Every song that comes into my head are…um…love songs,” Lance whispered.  Justin shrugged.

“So? I’ve never been serenaded before.  Sing,” Justin ordered.  “If you love me you’ll sing,” he cajoled.  Lance poked him again.

“That’s just wrong.” But he thought some more.  “Okay.”  He took a deep breath.  “As I look into your eyes…I see all the reasons why…my life’s worth a thousand skies…you’re the simplest love I’ve known…and the purest one I’ll own…no, you’ll never be alone.”  Justin frowned and Lance blushed. “Well, not that I own your love or anything…”

“Shut up and sing, Lance.”

“My baby, you…are the reason I could fly…and ‘cause of you…I don’t have to wonder why…baby you, there’s no more just getting by…you’re the reason I feel so alive…” Lance sighed as Justin’s head settled on his shoulder.  “Though these words I sing are true…they still fail to capture you…as mere words can only do…how do I explain that smile…and how it turns my world around…keeping my feet on the ground…”

“Why do you love me?” Justin said drowsily.

“Because you’re wonderful.”

“And you’ve loved me all these years?”

“Yes.  I couldn’t help it.”

“Not good enough…for you…” Justin said, almost asleep.

“Yes, you are,” Lance whispered, and for himself he finished the song.  “I will soothe you if you fall…I’ll be right there if you call…you’re my greatest love of all…”

 

 

And so the next week passed.  They spent the first few days just swimming and talking, sometimes hiking into the woods behind the house. Soon Justin felt more and more inspired to write, and Lance was glad. Maybe Justin could work out the demons that he still couldn’t talk about.  While Justin hermitted himself in the basement studio, Lance began to spend more time outside. He had never been into athletics or the outdoors, but suddenly he couldn’t get enough of being outside.  He did all kinds of work around the house at first, tending to plants and shrubbery.  Justin laughed, reminding him that Joey’s friend probably paid someone to do it, but Lance didn’t care.  It made him feel useful.  After he could do no more around the house, he began taking long walks in the woods, or he’d drive to a nearby lake and jog around it.  His pale skin soon turned nice and brown, and the muscles in his thighs and arms, tight from dancing, became even more well-defined.

On his long jogs, Lance finally admitted to himself that he needed time away from Justin. Justin was getting better; he didn’t freak when Lance left him alone the way he had at the beginning, but he was still attaching himself to Lance as if he were Linus and Lance was the security blanket.  Lance definitely didn’t mind this.  If Justin needed him, he would most certainly be there for him. That’s what friends were for.  But Justin could be so…selfish…sometimes.  He expected Lance to cook, and Lance did, but it would have been nice to be asked instead of expected to.  And Justin was a slob. Why hadn’t he ever noticed this before?  Justin’s clothes and shoes and toiletries just sort of fell in Justin’s wake, and if Lance didn’t pick up, then they remained wherever they fell.

Lance began to get a sneaking suspicion that this was all part of Justin’s “make-Lance-realize-that-Justin-Timberlake-doesn’t-belong-on-a-pedestal” plan, but it only helped slightly.  Lance still loved Justin.  Justin was the most beautiful thing in Lance’s world, even after everything Justin was doing.  Truthfully, the pedestal HAD lowered slightly, but Lance knew that no matter how his love for Justin might alter, he would not STOP loving him. It was all he knew how to do.  Being around him all the time made him hate Justin on occasion, yes, which had never happened before.  But it also made Lance hate himself for loving Justin so much.  How could he love someone who could never love him back?

 

Lance returned one day from jogging and found sandwiches out on the counter in the kitchen. He almost fainted from shock.  “Help yourself,” a note said. “I’m downstairs if you wanna come eat with me.”  Lance quickly showered, grabbed two glasses of lemonade and the plate of sandwiches, and headed down the steps.  He froze almost at the bottom as he listened to Justin.

Justin had been writing, true, but he also had found some easy piano music in a cabinet and was trying to improve his playing.  He had played for Lance, but he refused to sing for him. Lance didn’t know why, didn’t know what he had done wrong, but he respected Justin’s request and always knocked before entering the studio.  His hands had been full this time so he hadn’t knocked. And Justin was singing. It was a familiar song, nothing original of Justin’s.

“Um…Justin?” Lance called weakly. “I’m sorry…I forgot to knock and…”

“It’s okay,” Justin said with a sigh. “Come on in.”  Lance walked into the studio and set the plate of food on the piano. He handed Justin the lemonade. “Thanks. I was getting thirsty.”

“How’s it going?”  Lance asked, motioning to some empty music paper in front of Justin.

“Bad.  So I thought I’d just play for a while.”  Justin ruffled through some music. “I found something…and I’ve been learning it. For you.”

“For me?”  Lance almost squeaked.

“Yes, silly. Who else is babysitting me right now?” Justin replied with a grin. “I’ve always liked this song…and when I found it the other day…it just seemed to apply itself in so many ways.” Justin’s face sobered.  “There’s a lot I want to tell you, Lance…but I can’t. Not yet.”

“It’s okay,” Lance said soothingly.  He sat down next to Justin on the piano bench.  “You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“I do.  I do have to tell you. I have to tell you what made me do…what I did.”

“You’ve already explained that and…”

“No, I haven’t,” Justin interrupted.  “And one of these nights I will. But right now…I want to sing for you…if you don’t mind.”

To Lance, Justin’s singing sounded like an angelic chorus, so he simply nodded.  “Of course,” Lance whispered.

“In every heart…there is a room…a sanctuary safe and strong…to heal the wounds from lovers past…until a new one comes along…I spoke to you…in cautious tones…you answered me with no pretense, and still I feel I said too much…my silence is my self defense.

“And every time…I’ve held a rose…it seems I’ve only felt the thorns…and so it goes and so it goes…and so will you soon I suppose…but if my silence made you leave then that would be my worst mistake…so I will share this room with you and you can have this heart to break.

“And this is why my eyes are closed…it’s just as well for all I’ve seen…and so it goes and so it goes…and you’re the only one who knows…so I would choose to be with you…that’s if the choice were mine to make…but you can make decisions too…and you can have this heart to break…” Justin’s blue eyes met Lance’s green ones as he stopped playing.  “And so it goes…and so it goes…and you’re the only one…who knows…”  Lance swallowed deeply as Justin looked at him.

“That was beautiful, Justin.  Your voice…” Lance whispered.

“Silence is my self defense, Lance…it’s the only thing that protects me…” Justin said softly.  “Silence made me change…I was hiding what I really was…and you’ve truly accepted all of me…loved me no matter what…”

“I can’t help it, Justin. You’re my friend and I love you,” Lance said weakly.

“That’s not what I meant…you’ve loved me no matter what,” Justin repeated.  “I don’t understand it, I think it’s kinda crazy, but never think that I don’t appreciate it.” Justin licked his lips nervously.  “And you ARE the only one who knows.”

Lance’s mind went into overdrive.  Justin was leaning towards him.  Justin’s eyes were closing.  Justin was going to kiss him.  OhmyfuckinggodJustinisgoingtokissmewhatshouldIdo?

“Hey?  Where is everybody?” A voice said from upstairs.  Justin let out a yelp and began to shake.  Immediately Lance’s arm went around him protectively.

“Who is it?”  He called.  “It’s okay, baby,” he whispered to Justin.

“Joey and Chris and JC,” a voice called down.

“See?  It’s just the guys,” Lance said to Justin.  Justin nodded and smiled.

“I’m okay,” he whispered. “It just scared me.”

“Me too.” Lance got up from the piano and hurried up the steps. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Thought we’d surprise you.” Joey’s eyes flitted around and Lance was grateful that he had picked up that morning. “Where’s the baby?”

“Here I am and don’t call me the baby.”  Justin appeared at the top of the steps and enveloped JC in a huge hug.  “Hey.”

“Hey.”  JC was surprised, but he hugged his best friend. “How are you?”

“Good. Lance has taken good care of me.” Justin threw a smile at Lance as he hugged Joey and Chris.  “Why’d you come all the way up here.”

“To check on you,” Chris said.  “Wanted to make sure Lance wasn’t raping you or anything.”  Justin’s face went red with anger as Lance’s went red with embarrassment.

“Don’t EVER say anything like that about Lance again, do you understand me? Lance is wonderful and Lance is awesome and Lance is WAY better then you and Lance is no kind of rapist.  Got that, Old Man?”  Justin growled, grabbing Chris by the shirt.

“Yeah…sure…sorry…sorry Justin…I’m sorry, Lance,” Chris said hastily.

“It’s…okay…I’ll just…go get the bedrooms ready…” Lance retreated up the steps, feeling tears of shame burn his eyes.  God, that was what they all thought. They thought he was some kind of pervert, lusting over Justin.  They had been accepting enough back home, but now that he had been secluded with Justin all these days, they thought he was ready to attack.  He angrily threw extra pillows onto the bed in the room where Justin kept his things.  Obviously Justin would not want to sleep with him. Perhaps he’d want to sleep with JC.

“What are you doing?” Justin appeared in the doorway.

“Getting your room ready so JC can share with you. The bed is big.”  Lance didn’t look at Justin as he pulled a pillowcase onto a pillow.  Justin grabbed his hand.

“I don’t sleep here. I sleep with you.”

“Don’t.”  Lance’s eyes were clear and icy.  He pulled his hand from Justin. “You sleep in here.”

“I can’t sleep without you.” 

“Learn.”  Lance turned on one heel and left the room. It was better this way. They’d never guess Justin was gay if he didn’t give them any hints.

 

JC sat down next to Lance on the deck. Joey and Chris were taunting Justin in the pool.  Lance was watching the steaks on the grill. “Sorry about this trip…it was Joey’s idea and then Chris wanted to come and then I came to make sure they didn’t do anything stupid…an idea which Chris shot all to hell after being here five minutes.”

“It’s okay,” Lance shrugged.

“He knows, doesn’t he?” JC asked.  Lance slowly nodded. “And?”

“He doesn’t understand…thinks he’s not worth loving.  I’ve been trying to convince him that he IS worthy of love…not just mine, anyone’s…I’ve also tried to find out what happened that night, but he hasn’t said anything. I don’t want to push it.”

“He looks good…the bruising is gone and everything,” Justin replied.  “How about you?”

“Me?”

“You’re stuck here with him all the time…he knows how you feel…has he played off it at all?”

“No. He yells at me and tells me to quit doing stuff for him.” Lance smiled. “But if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done.”

JC smiled as well. “Now THAT sounds like Justin.”  Lance laughed.  “Is Justin gay?”

Lance almost fell off his chair. “Huh?”

“He’s my best friend…I’m not an idiot.  I know he and Britney broke up for a reason…is he gay?”

“I…well…” Lance stammered.

“That means yes. You’re a good friend not to give away his secrets, Lance.”  JC sighed.  “Think he might like you the way you like him?”

“No.” Lance shook his head. “That will never happen.  He’ll get more confident and he’ll leave this place and go find someone wonderful.”

“Like you.”

“Like HIM.”

 

JC and Lance got into an argument over dinner about where Justin would sleep. Justin simply sat and stared at his baked potato.  JC argued that Justin’s ego took up too much of the bed. Lance argued that JC was his best friend and that he should be stuck with him.  It went back and forth before Joey finally suggested tossing a roll into the air.  Butter side up, Lance got him. Butter side down, JC suffered.  JC won.

“Ha,” JC said triumphantly.  He leaned over and gave Justin a hug.  “Sorry, dude, but you’re stuck with Lance.”

“I don’t care,” Justin mumbled.  “I’m sleeping out here.  Alone.”

Lance looked at him carefully.  He was back into Indifferent Justin, the Justin they had known before his…accident.  “Let’s play a game,” he said suddenly.  “Justin and I play it every night. You ask someone a question and they HAVE to answer.”  He turned to Chris. “Favorite Backstreet Boy.”

“A dead one?” Chris said, and even Justin laughed.  “Okay…oh…Howie. He’s nice.”

“JC?”

“Brian.”

“Joey?”

“AJ. He’s a riot.”

“Justin?”

“Kevin.”

“Kevin? Why Kevin?” JC asked quickly.

“Because he’s serious and talented and has green eyes. I don’t know,” Justin said, exasperated.

“You just described Lance,” Chris pointed out, spearing some watermelon on his fork.  Lance blushed. Justin blushed.  Chris and Joey began to argue about AJ versus Howie as Lance stood to clear the table.

 

“You’re not really sleeping out here, are you?” Lance asked softly.  Justin was laying on the hammock. The others had already gone to bed.

“Yes, I am. It’s nice out.  Go to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Justin turned his face from Lance.

“We need to play the game.  I can’t sleep if we don’t,” Lance said lightly.

“We already did.”

“Not our way. It’s your turn.”  Lance sat down on a chair.

Justin sighed. “Okay, if you’ll go away.  Why didn’t you want to sleep with me tonight?  Why were you a prick about it?”

“You need to sleep on your own sometime,” Lance pointed out.

“What if I don’t want to?” Justin sat up.  “What if I want to have someone next to me every night?”

“Then take your blowjobs home with you,” Lance growled.  “I don’t need this shit. I’ve tried to help you and I have done my best.  I’m leaving tomorrow with the guys.” Lance turned to the door.  He didn’t want to think about who Justin might end up sleeping with, and jealousy guided his words.

“What did you say?”  Justin grabbed Lance by the shoulder.

“You heard me. You’re Justin Timberlake, remember? You can get any guy or any girl to share your bed and keep the nightmares away.  You don’t need me.”

“I do…” Justin began, then changed his mind.  “What made you fall in love with me?”

“I’m going to bed.”

“You said we were playing and it’s my question. What made you fall in love with me?”

“I was sixteen,” Lance said almost angrily. “I was the new kid. You were a Mouseketeer, were talented and cute, but you paid attention to me. You turned all that charm on me, and as we grew older I watched the charm develop into Justin Timberlake. You were funny and athletic and talented. I had a crush on you.  Then I fell in love with you as you matured and learned more about being a musician.  I shared your bed in the hotels at the beginning, and I’d dream of sharing it every night. You’d sing ballads and in my head they were directed to me. I knew it was bordering on obsession but I didn’t care. I didn’t need anyone in my life as long as I had you in a tiny bit of my heart.  Even if you never reciprocated it.”  Lance wiped his hand across his cheek and was surprised to find that he was crying.  “Happy?”

“Lance, I’m sorry. I didn’t know, okay?”

“Even if you did, it wouldn’t have made any difference.  You’re Justin, and I’m just Lance. What did you call me? The shy country boy?  You said it yourself.  You knew I wouldn’t expect anything, and you’re right. I never ever expect you to feel what I feel.”

“God, Lance…” Justin’s voice was choked. “Don’t throw that shit back in my face. I told you…that night was wrong. I didn’t know how you felt. I was just trying to get my rocks off with someone safe. If I would have known I…”

“What? You might have kissed me first?” Lance snapped. He didn’t even know why he was yelling.  He was just angry and tired of loving Justin and afraid of losing Justin before he even had him.  Justin was just there to take it out on.

“Will you two shut the fuck up and kiss or something? I’m TRYING to sleep up here!” A sleepy voice floated down from an open window.  They froze.

“JC, how much of that did you just hear?” Lance said finally.

“Nothing, just voices.  I’m trying to sleep!” The window slammed and the two men on the deck stared at each other.

“Oh…yeah…JC guessed that you were gay…” Lance said weakly.  Justin stared at him and began to grin.  Lance started to laugh and Justin joined him. 

“JC’s smart,” Justin said.

“Yeah,” Lance replied.  Justin took a step towards Lance. 

“Tomorrow it’s your turn to ask.”

“Yeah…” Lance said slowly.

“If you go, you’ll miss your turn.”

“Right,” Lance said.

“But if you stay…” Justin paused. “If you stay…I’ll let you ask me the question you want to ask most…and I’ll tell you everything.”

“Justin,” Lance began, but Justin quieted him with a finger over his lips. 

“I want to tell you.” Justin’s eyes misted over and he shivered.  “I want to tell someone…I want it to be you. I want the nightmares to go away so I don’t have to sleep with you anymore.”

“Right,” Lance said, his heart sinking.

“I don’t HAVE to sleep with you…but I want to.  Can I sleep with you tonight, Lance, please?  Not for safety…but because I want to.”  Justin moved his hand to sit on Lance’s shoulder.  “And you’re right…I never even kissed you.”

“Justin…” Lance whispered, his knees shaking.  “Don’t. Don’t do this out of some twisted sense of gratitude.”

“It’s not because of that,” Justin growled in a whisper.  “…and I would choose to be with you…that’s if the choice were mine to make…but you can make decisions too…and you can have this heart to break…” The song barely floated from Justin’s lips before they were on Lance’s.

Lance’s mind whirled and he held onto Justin to keep from falling over.  It was just kissing. Justin was a human being and human beings kissed. But they didn’t kiss like Justin.  Justin’s fingers wove up through Lance’s hair as he pressed his body against Lance’s body.  Lance had kissed girls a few times, but he felt like this was the first kiss he had ever experienced.  Justin had kissed lots of people and that thought flew through Lance’s mind as he pulled away. “I guess I don’t kiss so good,” he said bashfully. “I haven’t really…”

“You kiss so good I can’t remember my name,” Justin whispered.

“Justin,” Lance reminded him.

“Say it again,” Justin begged, his lips dangerously close to Lance’s.

“Oh, Justin,” the words were a sigh as Justin kissed him again.  This time Justin pulled back.

“I promise you these kisses stop here. They’re not going up into that bedroom.  Not tonight. I told you once I would never hurt you like that again, and I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“But…”

“Lance, you’re confused. I’m confused.  I wanted to kiss you and I don’t regret it but there…there are other things that need to come first, okay?”  Justin studied Lance’s face as Lance nodded.  “Good. Let’s go to bed.”

 

 

 

The next morning Lance woke up first.  He looked over at Justin, who had one arm thrown up over his face.  Lance allowed one finger to trace the smooth bicep before he ordered himself out of bed. 

He had coffee started and was heating up the griddle for pancakes when Chris wandered into the kitchen.  “Hey,” he said sleepily, slumping down at the table.

“Hey.”  Lance handed him a mug of coffee.

“Lance…I’m sorry about what I said about raping Justin…I was just kidding and I didn’t think…as usual.”

“It’s okay, Chris,” Lance said truthfully.  “I need to get over this whole Justin thing anyway.”

“Why?”

“Because…well…because it’s become obsessive,” Lance said, and couldn’t believe his ears.  “We’re not gonna happen and that’s it.  Time to move on.”

Chris stared at him.  “Um…this is out of nowhere.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think lately.”

Justin poked his head around the doorway.  “Done talking about me now?”

Lance turned back to his griddle, blushing furiously.  “Hi…coffee’s done.”

“Good.”  Justin walked over behind Lance and leaned up across his back to reach the cabinet.  As he pulled a mug down, he whispered.  “Be careful what you wish for.”  Lance looked at him curiously.  Justin simply winked and went over to sit with Chris.

 

By the time JC hauled himself out of bed, it was lunchtime.  Justin bragged that he would fix them an amazing lunch, and came out to the deck with a plate full of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Lance howled with laughter at the disappointed look on Joey’s face.  They spent the day on the deck or in the pool, talking and laughing.  Lance sat back and watched Justin and JC gang up on Joey in the pool.  The Justin he had fallen in love with had finally returned.  Justin was still jumpy, and sometimes he seemed to retreat into himself, but there no longer was a need for him to hide his true feelings.  If JC had talked to Justin about being gay, Lance didn’t know about it, and Joey and Chris didn’t say anything, either. Lance sighed.  He would miss this place and the time he had spent with Justin. He knew they’d always be friends, and he would treasure the kiss forever.  But now…

Lance frowned and watched an ant crawl across the cement sidewalk.  Who was he kidding. There was no way he’d ever stop loving Justin. It might not be the obsession it was, he might be able to be a better friend to Justin now, but it would be a cold day in Hell before someone else would take Justin’s place in his heart.  “Okay, kids…” JC said, shocking Lance out of his reverie.  “Everyone out of the pool. Time to clean up for the ride home.”  Lance smiled at JC.  He knew they had a flight to catch in about three hours.

“But I don’t wanna get out!”  Chris pouted as he climbed out of the pool to dry off.  “I’m staying here with Lance and Justin.”

“Oh no you’re not,” Lance and Justin said together.  Chris gave them an evil glare and stomped off to get dressed.

“Thanks…you know…for putting up with us,” Joey said. 

“Thank YOU for giving us this place to stay,” Justin said. “I needed this, Joe.  More than you’ll ever ever know.” He caught the surprised Joey in a hug and went in to get dried off.

 

“C’mon…guys…it’s boring at home on vacation,” Chris whined at the door.  JC and Joey had their things in the car, and they were trying to drag Chris out with them.  “I’ll be good. I’ll cook…I’ll clean…”

“Lance already cooks and cleans,” Justin said, then smiled sheepishly.  “Thank God.”

“Please?  I’m funny…I’ll make you laugh…”

“Lance already makes me laugh,” Justin replied.  Lance blushed.

“Lance?  Please?”  Chris begged.  JC and Joey leaned in the doorway, watching the Chris-drama unfold.  Lance slowly walked over to Chris and gave him a hug.

“Christopher, I love you. You’re a good friend.  However, if you do not get out this door in five seconds, I will kick your ass.  How in the HELL am I supposed to get my groove on with Justin if you’re still here?”  Chris’ mouth fell open. JC’s mouth fell open.  Joey’s mouth fell open. When he saw Justin’s mouth fall open, Lance worried that he might have gone too far…then he saw the amusement in Justin’s blue eyes. He turned to him. “And if you aren’t naked and up in that bed in about five minutes, I’m not doing what you’ve been begging me to do all week.”

Justin sauntered over and threw an arm around Lance’s waist.  He looped a finger in Lance’s belt buckle, sucked on Lance’s earlobe, and smiled at Chris.  “You don’t have to tell me that twice, baby boy.” He flashed his sunny grin at Chris and ran up the steps.

“Okay…time to leave.” Joey grabbed Chris around the chest and began to drag him out the door. “Bye, Lance.”

“Call me when you get home,” JC ordered him.

“But guys…we can’t leave NOW…are they really hitting it? Is Justin gay?  I need to know these things!” Chris protested as JC opened the car door.

“Bye, guys!”  Lance called, shutting the door. He chuckled as he went to the kitchen to clean up.

About ten minutes later Justin appeared in the doorway. “And here I was, all naked and ready, and you bailed on me.”

Lance turned white and then red.  He threw a sponge at Justin when Justin finally broke down and started to laugh.  “Asshole.”

“I couldn’t help it.  That was good, by the way…I thought Chris was gonna pass out.”

“Yeah, he did look kinda funny,” Lance replied.

“Hey…I’m gonna write for a while, okay?”

“Sure.  I’ll be around,” Lance said.  Justin walked over to him.

“You really think we couldn’t work?”

“I…well…” Lance stammered.  “You don’t want me…you want someone who’d be good for you…someone handsome and charming…good dancer…good kisser…talented like you…crazy like you…”

Justin began to tick things off on his fingers.  “Hmmm…let’s see.  Lance Bass is good for me…he saved me from my insanity.  Lance is handsome…charming.  Good dancer?  We can work on that.  Talented?  Check.  Crazy?  Whoa, definite check.  Good kisser?  I’m not even going there.” Justin glared at Lance.  “Stop underestimating how wonderful you are.”  He turned and went down to the basement before Lance could utter a word.

 

 

Justin spent most of the day down in the studio, as usual.  Lance puttered around upstairs, and they shared a simple dinner.  It was almost nine o’clock by the time Lance pushed his chair away from the table and went to wash the dishes. He was nervous as hell. Part of him wanted to hear Justin’s story, and part of him already knew it and didn’t want to hear it out loud.

“I’m going up to bed,” Justin announced, stretching.  Lance glanced at him.  Maybe he wouldn’t find out after all.

“Okay…sweet dreams…”

“They will be,” Justin told him, smiling his bright smile. He yawned as he went out of the kitchen.

Lance slowly finished his work then went around to check the locks on the windows and doors.  He snapped off all the lights, then slowly made his way up the steps.  All the lights were out, but he saw a dim glow from under the bedroom door. When he went in, he noticed that three candles were lit and sitting on the nightstand.  “I thought you were going to bed,” Lance said.

“I did.  I didn’t say I was going to sleep,” Justin said with a grin. He was curled up in a corner of the bed, leaning against the headboard.  He wore a pair of Lance’s sweatpants.  “I needed to think.”

“I see.” Lance went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and change into a pair of shorts.  When he came out, Justin was holding a pillow tightly against his chest.  “Justin, we don’t…”

“Ask.” 

Lance got himself comfortable.  He lay down next to Justin, flat on his back.  “Justin…what happened that night?”

Justin drew a ragged breath.  “That day we had the meeting…you know…like a week or so after I attacked you…I was so nervous about seeing you.  I wanted to say so many things…wanted to apologize…then I saw you and I couldn’t do it.  All I could do was act like an asshole…it was my best defense.  I wanted to tell you I didn’t mean it…but then I saw the love in your eyes even as you said something hateful. I started to realize then just what I had done to you.”

“Justin, it’s not like that,” Lance insisted.

“Lance, you NEED to let me say all this, okay?  Don’t interrupt.”

“Sorry,” Lance whispered.

“I was so angry with myself.  I went out every night and got drunk…I picked up a blond, or a guy with green eyes…let him blow me and then I treated him so badly.  Just because I felt awful about what I did to you. I didn’t understand until then…didn’t know that you felt anything for me. It wasn’t until I heard you guys talking that day that I realized how strong your feelings were.  Anyway…that night it was raining and I went out…but I didn’t go to a gay bar.  I went to a straight bar.”  Justin took a deep breath.  “Remember the night you got me out of jail?  I told you I had been in a fight?”

“Yeah.”

“I went back to that bar.  The same guy, Rob, was there.  See…I kinda dated his brother Matt for a while.  Matt finally broke it off because he didn’t like the fact that I wouldn’t come clean about what I was.  It wasn’t so much the publicity thing, but that I wouldn’t even admit I was gay. We cared about each other, but it wasn’t enough…so he ended it.  He was hurt and upset, and I knew Rob hated me from the beginning anyway. He thought I had made his brother gay, since I was his first ‘boyfriend.’  So that’s why we got in a fight the first night.”  Lance pulled a pillow from under his head and held it. 

“I went back that night to pick a fight with someone. I wanted to hit someone, but even more I wanted someone to hurt me as much as I had hurt you. I figured he’d mess me up a bit, and it would be over.  But I was wrong.”  Lance wanted to cover his ears.  “I had a few drinks then went over to the side of the bar. I made sure he saw me.  Rob and two of his friends came over.  They were already shitfaced and started saying shit immediately, talking about how they were letting fairies in the bar now.  I mouthed back, and the bartender immediately told us to go outside.  I gladly did, ready to get into a fight.”  Lance sat up as he heard the tears creep into Justin’s voice.  “But they led me to another alley, a few buildings down. They told me I was gonna learn once and for all to leave nice boys alone.  Rob let his friends hit me for a bit, and just when I could hardly stand up, they pushed me over some garbage cans.  I’m not sure who did it first; probably Rob, but they took turns fucking me until they all came.  Then they hit me some more for good measure and pulled me down the alley. I could barely walk, but they made me show them my car.  One of the friends drove with me in the passenger seat.  They stopped the car on Decatur Road, and left it there with me in it.  Then I walked to you.”

“Oh…God…Justin…” Lance’s eyes closed as he remembered the blood on the back of the jeans, the way the buttons were torn off.

“See?” Justin smiled through his tears.  “I’m not the angel you think I am, Lance.  I raped you, then got raped in return.”  His hands shook as he held onto the pillow. “It hurt so bad, Lance…it had been a while for me, and obviously they didn’t use any kind of lubricant…just kept slamming in again and again…calling me names…telling me to take it like a man, then saying I was obviously just some man’s bitch if I liked it this way.  All I could think of…all I could see…was you, Lance. I could only think that this was what I had done to you.”

“No.  Oh, Justin…no…” Lance had his arms around Justin before the younger man knew what was happening. “You were lost and confused…it was nothing like that. You never meant to hurt me, and you didn’t know. You didn’t know.”  Lance held Justin against him, soaking Justin’s sobs into his own body.  “What you did to me wasn’t right, but it was NOTHING like that. They could have killed you…could have done so many things to you…but you didn’t do that to me.  Shh…”

“S-s-so I came to your…your house…because I…I…I…knew you’d take care of me…” Justin stammered.

“You were right.  I tried to take care of you…”

“You did…” Justin managed to choke out between sobs. His body heaved with the force of his crying, and Lance simply held him, letting his tears fall down onto Justin’s head.  Justin cried for over an hour, words occasionally tumbling out. Lance didn’t reply, just rocked Justin slightly, squeezing harder on occasion.  Justin’s sobs finally turned into small sniffles.

“Do you want me to sing?  I have this song…in case you asked again…it makes me think of you so much…every time I heard it I would think of you,” Lance said softly. He felt Justin nod.

“Please.”

“When the rain is blowing in your face…and the whole world is on your case…I would offer you a warm embrace…to make you feel my love…evening shadows and the stars appear…and there is no one to dry your tears…I would hold you for a million years…to make you feel my love.”  Justin sniffled again and burrowed closer to Lance’s chest.  “I know you haven’t made your mind up yet…but I would never do you wrong…I’ve known it from the moment that we met…There’s no doubt in my mind where you belong…I’d go hungry I’d go black and blue…I’d go crawling down the avenue…there ain’t nothing I wouldn’t do…to make you feel my love…”

“Lance…” Justin whispered, the name a sigh of contentment.

“The storms are raging on a rolling sea…down the highway of regret…the winds of change are blowing wild and free…but you ain’t seen nothing like me yet…there ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do…go to the ends of this earth for you…make you happy make your dreams come true…to make you feel my love…”

Lance sat silently for a moment, waiting for Justin to respond.  He smiled as he realized Justin had cried himself to sleep.  He shifted slightly; they weren’t in the most comfortable of positions, but Lance didn’t care.  He could hold Justin forever.

 

The taxi idled in front of Lance’s house as he pulled his bag from the trunk.  Justin grabbed his other bag and they walked to Lance’s front door. Lance turned to look at Justin.  “So…”

“So…” Justin actually fidgeted. “Thank you. In many ways. I can’t even list them all.”

Lance put a hand on Justin’s shoulder.  “It’s okay.”  It was two days after Justin had told his story, and he knew Justin was ready to be alone.  “Call if you need anything.”

“Can I call even if I DON’T need anything?”

“Of course.”  Lance smiled.

“Look, Lance…” Justin looked over his shoulder at the taxi driver, who was looking the other direction. Justin pulled Lance into a swift hug, kissing his cheek.  “Thank you.”  Justin jogged off to the taxi before Lance could reply.  Lance sighed and let himself into his house.

 

But Justin didn’t call.  Lance waited a few days, then took a trip to visit his mother in Mississippi. He enjoyed the quiet, and he enjoyed the feeling of having someone take care of him, as opposed to taking care of someone else.  He slept a lot the first few days, then he slowly started going out with close friends from childhood. It wasn’t easy; people recognized him constantly, but his friends were cool about it.

“You okay?” His sister asked one day as they sat in a small deli having lunch.

“Yeah,” he sighed.  “I think I’m bored.”

“Is that all?”

“Sure,” he said idly.  He WAS bored.  And boredom was bad, because it allowed him to think of Justin, wonder about Justin, dream of Justin. It was different now. He knew Justin on so many more levels…and he loved them all. He wondered if Justin had hooked up with anyone.  Physically nothing had happened between them…but maybe Justin had found someone.

“Lance…earth to Lance…” Stacy waved her hand in front of Lance’s face.

“Sorry, Stace.  I’m just thinking of…”

“Someone?” His sister asked with a gentle smile. “Maybe you should go back.”

“Nah.”  Lance pushed some potato chips around on his plate.  “We have to be back into rehearsals for some performance soon enough…I’ll go back then.”

 

Lance returned to his house a week later, five days before they were scheduled to spend two days rehearsing for a television performance.  He flipped through his mail, freezing when he spotted familiar handwriting on a postcard.  On the front of the postcard was a beautiful sunset.  “Lance…hey man…how was Ole Miss?  I took the time to go away…far away, as you can see…Hawaii is gorgeous and you should really be here to see it.  I’ll be home soon.  Sorry I didn’t call…I couldn’t.  Love always, Justin.”

Lance frowned.  Did Justin mean he wanted to be in Hawaii WITH Lance?  And what did he mean, he couldn’t call?  They had experienced so much and Justin STILL couldn’t trust him?  Lance frowned again, crushed the postcard between his two hands, and tossed it in the trash.

 

“Lance Lance Lance…it’s time to dance…” Chris chanted when Lance entered the rehearsal studio.  Lance threw a towel at Chris’ head.

“Hey there…you’re late,” Wade said in surprise as Lance hugged him.

“Sorry…I was at the office.”

“You’re always at the office,” Chris grumbled.  “I’ve tried to call you three times this week.”

“Maybe he was ignoring you,” Joey pointed out as he pretended to jump on Lance’s back. “I’ve missed you, man. Where have you been?”

“In the office,” Lance repeated patiently.

“What do you mean, ignoring me?  Why would he ignore me? I’m a fun guy!” Chris protested.  “Aren’t I fun, Wade?”

“As fun as the measles,” JC said, grinning as Chris came at him. “Lansten.”

“Joshua.”  Lance raised an eyebrow as JC easily dodged Chris. “Are you losing weight?”

“No, do I look it?” Chris asked, checking himself out in the mirror.

“Not YOU.”  JC shoved Chris and hugged Lance.  “He’s in the bathroom,” he whispered to Lance.

“Who?” Lance asked, and JC took a long look at him.

“Justin. I thought…” JC let his voice drift away. “You guys didn’t hook up?”

“Nope. Sorry to disappoint you,” Lance said lightly. His manner was easy, but his eyes immediately drifted to Justin when he entered the room.  Justin wore a black tank top and baggy cargo shorts, and a Tennessee Titans cap covered his short hair.  He smiled when he saw Lance.

“Lance!”  He said happily, running over to hug him.  Lance stood still as Justin wrapped his arms around him.  Justin pulled back, frowning. “It’s great to see you.”

“Yeah. You too.”  Lance refused to do this. He refused to let Justin ignore him and then pretend everything was all right. He wasn’t going to do this anymore. He loved Justin, fine, but he wasn’t going to let him play with his heart. “Can we get to work now?” He asked, turning from Justin’s embrace.

“Yeah, sure,” Wade said, looking at him oddly.

Rehearsal began, and after the first five minutes it went downhill fast.  Lance constantly was off-tempo, running into JC or apologizing to Joey when he crossed in front of him at the wrong time.  Justin was obviously trying to ignore Lance, but his eyes kept wandering to the mirror, where he could see Lance struggling behind him.

“I’m sorry,” Lance said for the tenth time, reaching down to help JC up from the floor.

“It’s okay, dude. At least you’re not Joey. I’d be black and blue.”

“Hey!”  Joey said, smacking JC on the head.

“Can we try this again, please?” Wade begged. “From the sixteen…Lance…up here.” He motioned for Lance to take his place on Justin’s left.  Justin sighed and stared at the ceiling. Lance sighed and stared at his feet.  “Okay…five six seven eight…”

Lance immediately took a wrong step and sent Justin off balance.  “Watch it, Klutz,” Justin snapped.  Lance glared at him.

“Oh, excuse me, Diva.  Didn’t mean to invade your oxygen.”

“If you’d watch what you’re doing and quit watching me…”

“Fuck you,” Lance spat. “My eyes weren’t anywhere NEAR your skank ass.”

“Enough!”  Wade growled, stepping between them. “JC…Joey…Chris…out. Take a break.”

The three men glanced over their shoulders as they left the room.  “What?” Lance asked with a sigh.

“You two clear up whatever shit is filling this room right now. You’re throwing us all off and I’m sick of it,” Wade said.

“Wade, he’s pushing us ALL off!” Justin protested.

“And YOU’RE acting like a spoiled brat.  Clear the air or we don’t do this. AT ALL.  And YOU guys can be the ones that call your management and cancel the appearance.”  Wade stormed out, slamming the door behind him.  Justin and Lance looked at each other.

“You think I was watching you?” Lance asked softly.

“Yeah.”

“Since when do you care?”

Justin opened his mouth and shut it. “Every time I looked in the damn mirror, you…”

“So you were watching me.”

Justin’s mouth flapped again. “Well…no…”

Lance smirked and turned around, trying desperately to hide the tearing of his heart.  Asshole Justin was back again, and all the distance he had gained was lost.  “I see.  Look…let’s pretend we made up and tell Wade so we can finish this, okay?”

“Are we fighting?”

“You called me a klutz.”

“You called me a skank.”

“You are.  How many blow jobs did you get in Hawaii, Justin?”  Lance regretted the words instantly as he saw pain fill Justin’s blue eyes. He told himself he didn’t care. “How many nights did you sleep alone?”

“You’re a dickhead.”

“You’re right. I’m a stupid dickhead who was dumb enough to fall in love with you. YOU.  Justin Timberlake, the man everyone loves and no one gets. The one who plays with your heart just enough to keep you around when he needs you.”

“Is that what you think?”

“Isn’t it true?  We go through all that shit…I hear what happened to you and it tears my fucking heart to pieces because someone hurt you like that…and then we come back and you disappear.”

“You went to Mississippi!”

“Like DAYS after we got back, Justin.  Why didn’t you call me?”

“You didn’t call me.”

“I didn’t want to bother you. I wanted you to have your space. I didn’t need space. I needed to hear from you…just a hello to let me know you were okay. Nothing.  And then what the hell was that postcard from Hawaii about?  You COULDN’T call me? Why not?”

“I’m not talking about this.” Justin brushed by Lance on his way to the door.

“That’s right. Run away, you cowardly skank.”

In an instant Justin was back in Lance’s face.  “I’m a coward? How about you, you obsessed little girl?”

“At least I knew where I stood…I wasn’t out there fucking anything that moved just to prove myself.”

Justin’s hand curled into a fist, and it took everything he had not to hit Lance.  “I didn’t do that.”

“No…you just went looking for attention, as usual.”

“Why do you hate me so much?”

“Because I’m in love with you that much,” Lance said before he thought.  “Get out of my way, Justin.” It was his turn to head for the door.

“Well, you know what?” Justin yelled behind him. “I’m in love with you, too, dammit!”

 

 

Lance slowly turned where he stood.  Justin fidgeted, playing with one of the belt loops of his shorts, but his eyes never moved from Lance’s face.  “What did you say?”  Lance asked quietly.

“I said, I’m in love with you, too.  It took a stupid trip to Hawaii for me to realize it, but I am.”  Justin couldn’t help the smile that flickered across his face.  “I’m in love with you, Lance.”

“No.”  Lance walked over to Justin and stopped a few feet in front of him. Justin’s smile vanished.  “No.”

“No?”

“No. You are NOT in love with me. You’re having some sort of Florence Nightingale complex where you have feelings of gratitude for the person who took care of you and put you back together after you fell apart.”

“N-no, Lance, it’s not…not…not like that!” Justin stammered, and Lance frowned.  Justin’s stammering had finally vanished, only reappearing when he was very nervous or upset.  “I’m grateful, yes…but that doesn’t mean I’m just gonna up and fall for you because you took care of me.  I’m in love with you because…I am. I don’t know.”  Justin ran a hand over his head.  “I was on a beach in Hawaii and a few guys looked good and all…one even brought me a drink from the hotel bar.  But it didn’t click. It didn’t work, and I realized it was because he wasn’t you.”

“Don’t.  Please don’t.” Lance hated the begging in his voice. “Don’t play me like this, Justin. I finally got myself over the “obsessed little girl” thing, as you put it. I’m finally able to deal with the fact that I love you and you’ll never love me that way. I think I might be able to…”

“But I DO love you that way,” Justin said gently, putting a hand on Lance’s arm.  Lance looked down at the hand but didn’t shrug it off.  “God, Lance…I was so freaking DUMB.  Everything I was looking for was right there in front of me all this time. Someone who loved me, someone who could take care of me, someone I could share my love with…someone who understood my life.  It was all right there and I was so DUMB.”

“But Justin…you…you can’t love me!”  Gone was all pretense of not caring.  “You deserve…”

“I deserve you, Lance.”  Justin’s hand slid up to sit on Lance’s shoulder.  “Actually, I DON’T deserve you. You’re way too good for me. You’re smart and responsible and caring and generous and I’m just the dumb drama queen diva who whines when he doesn’t get his way.”

Lance opened his mouth and shut it. His heart was racing.  He wanted to jump up and down. He wanted to deck Justin for saying what he had waited so long to hear. What if it was a joke? What if it was just a fling?  What if Justin didn’t really mean it?  “Justin…I can’t handle you breaking my heart. I’ve loved you for so long now it’s all I know how to do…but…I…”

“I told you once that I’d never intentionally hurt you again, remember?”  Justin asked. Lance nodded.  “I meant it.  If it doesn’t work between us, then it doesn’t.  But you take that chance with ANY relationship.  There are a million hot guys out there, Lance…but the hot guy I want is right here.”  Lance cursed the tears that filled his eyes. Justin frowned, taking them the wrong way.  “I know I hurt you that night…I took advantage of so much more then your body. And I was mean to you, and I hurt you, and…” Justin was shocked into silence by Lance’s lips on his.  He sighed against the kiss and put his arms around Lance.

Justin’s lips were smooth and pliant, and when Lance slid his tongue inside his mouth, Justin did not protest.  His hands wove through Lance’s hair, which was damp with sweat from their rehearsal. He felt Lance’s erection against his body and moaned.  Lance was the first to pull away.  “I have wanted to just grab you and kiss you for SO long,” Lance murmured, laying his head on Justin’s shoulder and catching his breath.

“You can do it any time you want from now on,” Justin promised.  “You HAVE to.”  He sighed.  “I don’t feel like rehearsing anymore.”

“Me either,” Lance admitted with a small laugh.  Their eyes met.

“I want to go back to your house,” Justin said.

“Me too.”

“I want to shut the world out.”

“Me too.”

“I want to just climb into bed with you and…” Justin stopped himself, blushing. At that moment he wanted Lance so bad it hurt, but he knew that Lance had never truly been with anyone and he didn’t want to scare him.

“Me too.” Lance’s eyes were solemn.  “How can we get out of here?”

“We need a good lie.”

“I suddenly got sick?”

“Lance, you’d keep working if you were barfing up a lung. They’d never believe it.”  Justin scratched his head.  Lance’s body moved against his.

“I wanna go home, Justin.”

“OW!”  Justin screamed, falling to the floor and grabbing his ankle.  He rolled around in pain.  “Lance…get Wade…oh shit…”

Lance stared at him for a moment and ran to the door.  “WADE!”  He screamed.  Wade came running in.

“Oh shit…did you kill him, Lance?”  Wade bent over the howling Justin.  “Justin?”

“I don’t know.  He…” Lance began.

“I was helping Lance through the moves.  We made up and I was…oh hell this hurts…I was helping him and I stepped wrong and my ankle just…went…and…oh hell this hurts.” Lance swore he saw tears fall from Justin’s eyes.  JC, Chris and Joey hovered in the doorway.  “Can he just take me home? Can we call it a day?  Please…Wade…” Justin grabbed Wade’s pant leg.

“Um…well…you won’t get anything done like that,” Wade said, staring down at him. “Let me see it.”

“No! I mean, it will be okay.  Just…don’t…touch it.”  Lance helped Justin to his feet and Justin began to limp. “I’m gonna soak it in hot water and prop it up and I swear to God it will be as good as new at around…”

“Noon?” Lance suggested.

“Noon tomorrow.  I swear…Wade…” Justin said over his shoulder.  Lance and Justin were out the door before Wade could protest.  Wade sighed and went to get his things from the office.  JC and Chris grinned at each other.

“That was like Academy Award winning,” Joey said as they went to shower and change.

 

 

Lance carefully deposited the “injured” Justin in the passenger seat of his car before going around to the driver’s side.  He waved at a concerned Wade, and glared at his three bandmates, who were trying to hide their grins.  He got behind the wheel and closed the door. “Are you okay?” Lance’s voice dripped with fake concern.  “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“Bed rest. I need lots and lots of bed rest,” Justin said, closing his eyes and moaning slightly. Lance laughed out loud as he backed out of the parking space and zoomed through the parking lot.  Justin opened his eyes and smiled at Lance.  “Good job, partner.”

“Me? I seriously thought you were hurt for a second!  I mean, you were fine and yelling at me and then kissing me and then suddenly you’re on the floor rolling around and screaming.  I thought my kiss had poisoned you or something!”

Justin laughed so hard he had to hold his sides.  “Poisoned you? Get real, Lance.  I needed Wade to believe I was hurt.”

“Hell, I even believed it!” Lance said, and Justin laughed again.  He leaned his head back and smiled at Lance.

“Noon, huh?”

Lance blushed furiously. “I thought we could sleep in…you know…get up at a JC hour or something.”

“I’m not complaining.”  Justin began to whistle as he looked out the window.

 

“Do you need me to help you out of the car?” Lance asked graciously after he pulled into the driveway.

“Smartass,” Justin growled, hopping out and doing a few impromptu dance moves.  Lance grabbed the mail from the mailbox and went to unlock the front door.  Justin danced up the sidewalk and followed Lance in.

“I’m gonna grab something to drink…want anything?” Lance called over his shoulder as he headed to the kitchen.

“Yeah…whatever you’re having!”  Justin called back.  Lance poured them both some lemonade, grabbed a bag of Doritos, and headed for the living room. Justin was gone, but Lance heard some noise from upstairs.  He swallowed deeply, and his hands shook so much he had to set down the lemonade.  Justin was upstairs. Up in his bedroom. Sure, Justin had been there many times before, but things were different now. Justin had kissed him. Justin had said he was in love with him. Him. Lance.  Lance Bass, the dumb shy country boy.

Lance slowly made his way up the stairs.  Justin was sitting on the edge of Lance’s bed, studying a framed picture he had picked up from the nightstand.  “Here,” Lance said quietly, handing Justin the glass. 

“Cool.  Thanks. Ooh…Doritos.  I’m starving.”  Justin took a gulp of the lemonade and set it on the nightstand before tearing into the Doritos.  “When was this?” He waved the picture in the air. Lance took it and looked at it.  It was a group shot from a picnic of Joey’s a few years earlier.  The five bandmates were sitting on a long deck chair, one behind the other.  Joey was at the back of the chair, with JC in front of him, Chris in front of JC, Lance in front of Chris, and Justin at the very front. They were all smiling. They were all looking at the camera…except Lance. He was looking at Justin.

“A few years ago, I guess.” Lance turned away to take off his shoes. 

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Justin said softly. 

“I remember that day like it was yesterday,” Lance whispered.  “I had an excuse to put my arms around you…to snuggle close to you.  God…I wanted that so bad, but at the same time I wanted to push you away because…” Lance blushed darker.  “I was afraid you’d feel how damn hard I was being that close to you.”

Justin smiled, but it wasn’t a mean smile.  “If I had only known. God, I feel stupid.”

“How could you? I tried very hard to hide it.”  Lance put his shoes in the closet and turned around to face Justin. He fidgeted. “Um…”

Justin got up and walked over to him. “Lance…whatever happens in here I am fine with. If we just get under those covers and talk for the next hundred hours, that’s fine.  We can do whatever…and stop whenever you want. Please understand that.”

Lance nodded.  “You understand that, too. Whenever YOU want to stop, we can.”

“Me?  I…” Justin looked at Lance and a new wave of love washed over him.  “Always protecting me, huh?”

“Well…I know that rape victims…um…they have problems…you know…” Lance blushed again and suddenly felt about fifteen years old.  He couldn’t form coherent intelligent sentences, and his boxers were already getting tight as he looked at Justin.

“I’m not worried about that.  There’s so much I want to do to you…for you…” Justin whispered.  He stepped forward until he was inches from Lance’s face.  Lance could smell the Doritos on Justin’s breath.  “I want to make you scream.”

“I don’t think that will be very difficult,” Lance said nervously.  Justin cupped his face in his hands. “I hate that I don’t know anything…I don’t know what…”

“Shhh…” Justin whispered, tilting Lance’s face so he could kiss him. “Relax.”  Justin’s mouth met Lance’s in a kiss so sweet Lance shivered.  Lance’s hands started on Justin’s waist, but they somehow ended up at the back of Justin’s neck, his fingers tracing the soft skin. When Justin whimpered, Lance shivered again.  When Justin’s mouth slid down the soft skin of Lance’s throat to nibble at his Adam’s apple, Lance’s knees buckled.  When Justin’s hands reached around to grab his backside and pull him even closer, Lance thought he was going to pass out.  Justin pulled away and took Lance’s hand, pulling him to the bed.  “Lance…this time will be so good…I’m gonna do everything I can to make you forget the other time…”

“There was no other time…” Lance said softly, and Justin stared at him. “Just now…I’ve never been with anyone before…just now…with you…”

Justin moaned and pulled at Lance’s tshirt, whipping it up over Lance’s head.  He sighed as he sat at the edge of the bed, pulling Lance towards him by the waist.  His lips gently pressed to Lance’s soft skin, making little trails up and down his stomach.  When his warm tongue lapped at a nipple, Lance almost screamed.  His hands clutched at the top of Justin’s wifebeater as he moaned.  Justin slowly stood, making sure his lips covered some part of Lance’s body every step of the way.  “Lance…you taste so good…so sweet…” Justin murmured, sucking on one of Lance’s earlobes.  He felt Lance’s hesitant hands on his hips.  He took Lance’s hands and put them on his shirt, forcing Lance to pull it up. “Don’t be shy, Lance…not now…no reason to…anything you want…I’ll do anything for you…ohholyshit…” Justin’s last words were a jumble as Lance’s exploring hands slid up Justin’s stomach to the well-defined pectoral muscles and biceps.

They fell to the bed, lips and fingers and tongues exploring and probing.  Justin’s hands shook as he tried to unbutton Lance’s jeans.  Lance stopped him.  “Why are you shaking?”

“I’m nervous,” Justin mumbled.  “I mean, I’m living up to a dream here…what if I suck?”

“You’d better suck,” Lance said with a grin, laughing as Justin’s mouth fell open.

“Oh, really?”  Justin composed himself and raised an eyebrow.  He slid down Lance’s body, taking Lance’s pants and boxers with him.  He stood at the foot of the bed, staring down at Lance, who squirmed under his gaze.  “Good Lord, Lance, you’re beautiful.”  He started at an ankle, slowly kissing his way up.  “I’m gonna make it good this time,” Justin said, half to himself. “So good…you’ll never want anyone else but me…”

“I never have wanted anyone else…” Lance gasped as Justin took him in his hand.  Justin slowly stroked, watching the green eyes flutter closed.  Justin moaned slightly as he took Lance into his mouth, slowly tugging and sucking and licking until Lance was begging him not to stop.  It was then that Justin took him all the way in, and he felt a shiver go through him as the first drops of Lance’s cum hit his mouth. He swallowed what he could, then moved up to cradle Lance in his arms, kissing and nuzzling against him.

“Was that okay?”  Justin asked.

“Okay…holy shit…I think…I…um…forgot my name…” Lance tried to control the whirlwind in his mind and come back to earth. Justin chuckled.

“That’s flattering,” he remarked. He moved to whisper in Lance’s ear. “Your name is Lance?”

“What?” Lance pushed Justin onto his back and began to idly run his fingers up and down his chest, going lower each time.  “What is it?”

“Lance,” Justin repeated, though the voice was shaky.

“Who?”  Lance’s hand ran down into light brown hair and Justin shrieked.

“Lance!  Oh, God…Lance…oh don’t stop…” Justin arched his hips up, thrusting into Lance’s hand.  “I thought of this…at night…in Hawaii…dreamt of you…”

Lance stared down at Justin in amazement, watching Justin writhe and pant simply because Lance was touching him. “Make love to me, Justin,” Lance whispered. Justin froze.

“What?”

“Make love to me,” Lance repeated.  “You said anything I want…I want you…”

“Lance, I don’t think…” Justin began, his eyes guilty.

“That’s okay…I mean if you don’t want to.”  Lance turned away from Justin, embarrassed.

“No.  Never turn from me.”  Justin pulled Lance back to face him. “I want to…oh holy FUCK do I want to…but I want it to be right…this is so soon…”

“I’ve loved you forever…in lifetimes before…” Lance sang softly, then smiled at Justin. “I’ve been waiting for years for this…it can never be more right then it is right now.  I know I can’t…do it to you…not yet…but I hope someday you’ll let me.  And I’m not thinking about that other night. That never happened.  This is what’s happening and it’s what I want.”  Lance pulled Justin down to him with a passionate kiss.

 

Hours later Lance slept. He slept tight in Justin’s arms, tears of pleasure and joy still drying on his cheeks.  Justin had taken his time, kissing and touching and licking until Lance once more could not remember his name. Only then did Justin venture inside.  His fingers had been locked with Lance’s, and he whispered I love yous as he sank himself into the hottest, tightest, most amazing place he ever could have imagined.  He remembered the way Lance had arched up to him after the initial pain, meeting every thrust until Justin could hardly hold himself back. Lance had actually cried as he came, and that had brought Justin to the edge harder then he had ever felt it. 

“I love you, baby boy,” Justin whispered.  Lance opened his eyes and smiled drowsily.

“You’re younger…you’re the baby.”

“But YOU’RE MY baby boy,” Justin pointed out.  Lance smiled again and snuggled closer.

“Okay.”  He was quiet for a moment.  “Can you be my boy, too?”

“Absolutely.” 

“Good.” 

 

One month later

 

 

“J, what about this one?”  Lance eyed the lamp critically.

“That’s fine.”  Justin bounced a rubber ball he had found underneath the seat of Lance’s car.  Lance sighed patiently. 

“Justin, come ON.” 

Justin frowned and walked over to Lance.  He stood close enough that Lance could breathe and inhale his cologne.  Lance swallowed a whimper.  “Yeah…I like it…but I don’t like the brass.  How about the same thing with the wood grain?”  Justin pointed to a similar lamp with an oak base.

“You’re right. You’re always right.”  Lance smiled at Justin and leaned in to whisper.  “You know, we wouldn’t NEED a lamp if someone hadn’t insisted in swiping everything off the coffee table to lean me over it.”

“You know, I wouldn’t have leaned you over the coffee table if you hadn’t been laying there on the sofa, stroking yourself through your boxers,” Justin whispered back. Lance blushed and turned away.  When he turned back around, he froze. Justin was white as a ghost, his lips trembling. “What?” Lance asked in a low voice. “What is it, baby?”

“Lance…it…it…it…it’s him…it’s…” Justin was unable to say the name, just as he was unable to move from where he stood. Lance followed Justin’s gaze to a large man across the store.  The man stood with a woman who was obviously his girlfriend, looking at entertainment centers.  “Oh…God…Lance…what…what…what if he sees…sees me?”

Lance grabbed Justin’s hand in his and held it tightly, not caring WHO saw them. Justin no longer had nightmares and no longer stuttered…until now.  Lance had never felt hate the way he hated the man across the room. “Listen to me, Justin. You are going to take this lamp, go to the register down in hardware, and you’re gonna pay for it. Then you’re gonna go upstairs to that coffee shop and wait for me, do you understand?”

“But…Lance…”

“Do…you…understand…me?”  Lance’s tone was expressionless, as were his clear green eyes.  Justin had never heard this Lance before. 

“But what if he…”

“Justin Randall Timberlake, if you do not take the goddamned lamp and go pay for it, I swear to fucking GOD I am leaving you and you will never see me again.” The icy tone and eyes turned on Justin and he shivered.

“Okay, Lance,” Justin whispered.  He did an about-face and headed for the front of the department store.  Lance took a deep breath and walked across the store.

“Excuse me?”  Lance said politely. The man turned around.

“Yeah?”

“You’re Rob, right?”

“Yeah, do I know you?”

“We have a mutual friend…and actually I really need to talk to you about him. Could you come outside with me for just one second?”  Lance smiled at the girlfriend apologetically. “Just for a minute.”

“Whatever.  Hold on a minute, Marie.  Be right back.”  The man followed Lance outside. “Who’s this friend?”

“Justin Timberlake?”

Rob froze, then grinned. “Oh, yeah. The fairy.”

He didn’t have time to prepare for the shock of Lance’s fist slamming into his jaw, then his nose.  The man reeled back, hitting the side of the building.  “Listen, you shithead, I want you to think long and hard about something. If I EVER hear that you were near Justin…that you were looking at him…touching him…breathing the same AIR as him, I will kick your ass so fucking hard it will come out your eyes, understand? You dared touch…dared HARM…a beautiful thing…the most beautiful thing in my world.  And after I’m done kicking your ass, I’ll make sure and tell Marie all about how you got your rocks off fucking a man.” Lance pushed Rob aside and went back into the store to find Justin.

“Lance!”  Justin hopped up from his table and hugged Lance. “Are you okay?”

“Fine. We had a talk and he won’t bother you again…ever.”

 

“Sing to me,” Justin whispered as he snuggled close in Lance’s arms later that night.  He had begged to make love to Lance, begged to be loved in return, and who was Lance to say no? Lance smiled as Justin tucked his head under Lance’s chin, remembering the first time he had lay that way.  They sure as hell hadn’t been naked then. 

“Are you afraid you’ll have nightmares, baby?”  Lance asked softly. Justin shook his head.

“No…I just want to hear you sing.”

“Hmmm.”  Lance thought for a moment.  “If tomorrow never comes…will he know how much I loved him…did I try in every way…to show him every day…that he’s my only one…and when my time on earth is through…and he must face this world without me…is the love I gave him in the past…gonna be enough to last…if tomorrow never comes…”

Justin leaned up to give Lance a sweet kiss.  “You show me every day, Lance…I owe you so much…for taking care of me…for saving me from…”

“No, Justin. YOU saved ME from being alone and miserable.”  Lance quieted Justin with one kiss…which led to another kiss…which led to another. Soon they were rolling around under the covers once more, the argument of who saved whom long forgotten.

The End

 

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