Shameless

By: Lara

 

“Shameful”

 

 

Well, I’m shameless…when it comes to loving you…I’ll do anything you want me to…I'll do anything at all…and I’m standing here for all the world to see…baby, that’s what’s left of me…I don’t have very far to fall…

 

 

I stared at the mirror behind the bar, hating the person I saw reflected back. I smiled wryly as I listened to the song that blared from the jukebox, and thanked whatever Hotel God made this a country jukebox kinda bar.  I wasn’t in the mood for rock or pop…I wanted miserable kick the dog throw out the wife kinda country…and there it was.  It was almost as if I had chosen this song myself, but thankfully someone else had picked it, and I was happily seated at the bar with my bottle of whiskey.

After refilling my glass six times and after hearing my reassurances that I was a guest and wouldn’t be driving, the bartender had given me the bottle.  I’m sure the hundred I slipped him hadn’t hurt much either.  It amazed me how much you could get by covering someone’s hand with money. It also amazed me how quickly you can add to your self-pity when you get whiskey in you.  It amazed me even more how you always seem to think back on people you fucked when the one you want to fuck most leaves you. 

No, I corrected myself.  You don’t fuck him. You make love to him.  “Not that he’ll even speak to me, much less let me fuck him OR make love to him,” I said quietly to my reflection.  The bartender glanced at me curiously but went on with his work. The hotel bar was busy, even for a Friday night at midnight.  At one end of the bar a man was winking at me.  At the other end, a girl in a short skirt was giving me the “come do me” look. I didn’t want either. I wanted HIM.  And because of what had happened before him, he didn’t want me at all.

 

You know now I’m not a man who has ever been insecure about the world I’ve been living in…I don’t break easy, I have my pride but if you need to be satisfied I’m shameless…

 

 

“Ugly”

 

The first time was with the one I least expected.  The very first thing I EVER heard him say about me was, “He’s ugly, though!” as if it were a great surprise.  As if HE was all that much to look at.  Actually, he wasn’t all THAT bad at the beginning, kinda beefcake in a weirdo way, but once he was allowed to experiment with his hair, the Beefcake Boy was long gone.  Added to that was scruffy on again/off again facial hair, and you had a full-grown monster.

But I digress…

I was waiting in the conference room with my mother.  My voice teacher had contacted us, saying a group was getting together in Orlando and they needed a low voice.  He recommended me instantly.  One of the guys had also been his student at one time, and he had called our teacher and asked for suggestions.  So we met up with the “creator” of the group, a guy from Pennsylvania named Chris.  His smile was friendly as he shook my hand and introduced me to his friend, Josh Chasez, whom everyone simply called JC.  They heard a commotion in the hallway and went out to see who had arrived.  JC pulled the door closed, but it drifted open from the breeze created by the outer doors.  I heard them greet a Justin, and I assumed it was Justin Timberlake, the other student of my teacher.  Their voices were low as they talked, and then I clearly heard Chris say, “He’s ugly, though!  Those eyes…that girly face?”  JC quickly jumped to my defense, saying that he was sure we wanted to be known for our talent first and foremost, and that maybe I’d grow into my looks.  Justin added that Chris didn’t have too much to say for himself in that department anyway, and I decided before meeting him that I loved Justin.  Chris growled back, calling Justin a fucking baby and telling him to shut up.

By this time my mother was absolutely fuming.  She hadn’t wanted me to come to Florida in the first place, and the idea of her baby being left among these heathens was the LAST thing she was about to agree with.  The guys came back in, along with a fourth guy named Joey.  He shook my hand in his bear of a handshake and gave me his great smile.  We sat down and Chris began to speak, glancing once or twice at my mother.  He tried to ignore her dagger looks as he explained what he wanted, what the group wanted.  My mother jumped in, asking about what we’d be doing and who would be looking after us.  After all, we were all quite young, Justin barely into his teens.  Chris assured us that there would be tons of management and label people around, once a label picked us up.  Justin’s mother was often around, and they would even be finding a tutor for him once we got on the road.  Chris asked me to sing a bit, to harmonize, and I saw that he was impressed in spite of himself.  As soon as possible, my mother jumped to her feet and said we’d think about it.  I got their numbers and we left.

“I cannot believe this.  We are going back to Mississippi, James,” she snapped as we got into the taxi and headed for the hotel.

“Mom, no. I want to do this,” I begged.  She stared at me.

“James Lance Bass, you HEARD what that little punk said about you.”

“I don’t care, Mom. I want to sing. I want to be here…in Florida. I mean, I’ll miss you and Dad, but this is my chance.  Mom, please.”

I continued to beg and she continued to say no until around eight that night when I finally wore her down. I whooped with joy and called Joey.  He seemed kinda nice and I didn’t feel intimidated by him.  Chris was…well…I didn’t know what Chris was, and JC and Justin had actually been on TV. They were practically stars.  Joey sounded truly happy that I had accepted, and he told me we’d all get together the next day to make the final plans.

 

We all worked our asses off for the next year or so, and I felt like I worked off TWO asses.  Not only did I need to learn to harmonize in a setting other than a large choir, but I had to learn to dance, too.  No one had mentioned that.  The others made it look so damn easy.  Justin had been born to groove, and his hips and legs seemed electric.  Joey put so much into his dancing that you couldn’t help but like it, and JC just made everything musical seem totally natural.  Chris had a more mellow style, but I couldn’t notice much. I didn’t look at him if I could help it, because he was always frowning at me. I wasn’t quick enough or loud enough or rhythmic enough, and I had caught him having conversations about me with the choreographer more than once. I just bit my tongue and tried harder.  I worked with the choreographer extra hours, and even Justin stayed around once or twice to get me caught up on steps I couldn’t quite get.  But Chris continued to get more and more frustrated with me, and I finally got dizzy during rehearsal one day and passed out. 

As I came to, Joey was fanning me, my head on his lap. “Look what you did now, Chris,” he snapped.  “You pushed him too damn hard.”

“I did not. I didn’t ask anymore of him than I did the rest of us,” Chris said, glaring down at me.  My eyes fluttered open.

“Hey,” Joey said softly, his large hand wiping my forehead.  “You okay?”

I nodded and slowly sat up.  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling like a baby.

“No problem.  We’ll just do it ALL again tomorrow, since we lost today.”  Chris stomped out of the rehearsal room.

“Look, Lance, maybe you should take it easy for a while,” Justin suggested. My mother called me James, but the rest of the world used my middle name. “I mean, you’ve been working hard and…”

“And I’ll keep working hard.  I’d like to be alone, please,” I said, not looking at him.

“Lance, c’mon,” JC said. “Let’s all get cleaned up and grab lunch.”

“No.  You guys go.”  That was how it usually was anyway.  They all hung together, and I either tagged along like a fifth wheel or stayed in my room alone.  “Please.  I’ll be okay, I promise.  I just wanna listen to the music, dance it in my head, okay?”

“Um, sure, Lance, if you say so.”  Joey looked worried, then flashed his great smile.  “We’ll grab you a sandwich, okay?”

“Thanks, Joe,” I said. I remained seated on the floor until they left, then I pulled myself to my feet. I grabbed my water bottle and took a long drink, then rewound the tape and pushed play. I continued to work on a part that eluded me, dancing the steps again and again until I felt sweat dripping into my socks.  The door opened and I jumped.

“God, what are you still doing here?”  Chris stalked across the floor, grabbing a bag he had forgotten in his anger.

“Nothing.  I’ll leave if…”

“Nah. I’m outta here.”  He walked to the door and I rewound and hit play again.  I tried to forget about Chris and his hatred, but I was startled when I heard his voice behind me. “No no NO.  You step on the DOWNbeat.  God, have you no sense of timing?”

“Why the FUCK are you always up my ass?” I finally snapped.  I was so sick of being his whipping boy. I needed to know the reason behind his hatred.  Chris looked shocked. I was the sweet Southern mama’s boy who not only never spoke up, but I never swore.  “I’m working myself to DEATH for you, and you just keep jumping my shit.  Do you want me to quit? I love this band, Chris, and I want to make this happen, but if you REALLY want me out, I’ll go.”

“Lance…I don’t want you out.” Chris ran a hand through his hair.  “You’re just…different.  Not like the other guys.”  I blushed a furious red.  I had wondered what he would notice.  I wasn’t like the others.  Justin and Joey always bragged about all the girls they’d bag when we got big, and I never joined in. I wasn’t interested in that. I had never really had a steady girlfriend, and had definitely never been involved with another boy, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I never had been sure.  And being around these guys 24/7 had made me start to realize that maybe what I wanted wasn’t what a guy was SUPPOSED to want.  “You look different, you act different…and I guess I thought you’d bring us down.”  Chris actually looked apologetic. “I’m sorry for beating the shit out of you like this…and I’ll try to stop.”

“You think I’m ugly,” I said before I thought. I blushed even deeper and reached down to pop the tape out of the stereo.

“Huh?” Chris looked sincerely lost.

“That first day, you said I was ugly,” I whispered, wondering why the hell it mattered to me.  “And I heard you tell JC I look like a lizard.” Tears stung my eyes and I turned to hide them. It had almost killed me that day I had overheard Chris talking to JC.

“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” Chris muttered.  “I can’t say I’m sorry enough for that.  It’s just…damn, Lance, for God’s sake…you’re pretty.”

“PRETTY?”  I almost shouted.  “Pretty?  Guys aren’t pretty.”

“Exactly,” Chris said softly.  He took a step towards me.  “How am I supposed to relate to someone pretty like you? I mean, your hair, your lips, God, even your eyes.”  There was a softness to his voice that made me shiver in a good way.  When had he been noticing me like this?

“I’m sorry, Chris, but I can’t change all that.”

“I know, and I was wrong to say what I said.  And by the time I realized you WEREN’T ugly, I was already being such a dickhead that I couldn’t make it okay.”  Chris’ dark eyes ran over my face.  “Can you forgive me?”

“Um…I don’t know,” I said honestly.  “You hurt my feelings and really kicked me around, Chris.”

“It won’t happen again,” Chris said softly. “I can promise you that.”  He glanced at his watch.  “Let’s go shower and grab lunch.”

“Uh, JC is bringing me a sandwich.”

“Eat it for dinner.  Let’s go.”  Chris threw an arm around me and we headed back for the motel.  I had the lone room while he was sharing with Joey.  We met up in the hallway after cleaning up and went down to the motel diner for lunch.

As I slid into the booth across from Chris, I could smell his aftershave and soap. I liked the smell, and it was one I would always remember.  He talked with me more that day than he EVER had, and I got to know a lot about him.  He had come from a poor background, and this group was one way to shove it all in the faces of anyone who ever treated him bad.  He talked more than I did, and it was interesting to listen to.  Soon, however, I tuned it out and watched his face.  Watched the quick smile, the sparkling brown eyes, the way his face would tilt when he tried to find the right words for something.  I realized the way I was thinking and ordered myself to back off.  This was a bandmate, not someone to be interested in.  It would only make things worse again, and I refused to do that.

 

It ended up, however, that the decision was not mine to make.  A few weeks later we were put together in a room in a small town in Georgia.  We were playing a summer carnival, and no one got their own room.  Almost all the motels were booked, and we got two rooms for the five of us.  Chris and I had been getting along very well, so he asked if I wanted to room with him. I said sure, since I felt a lot more comfortable with him.  He was so much older than I, and I guess I kinda looked up to him, felt I could learn from him. If I only had known…

 

 

 

I looked at myself in the mirror behind the bar, running my hands through my short blond hair.  The guy who had winked had moved two seats closer to me, and still I ignored him. I wasn’t interested. Only one man interested me…and he would probably never even TALK to me again.

My bottle was empty and I motioned to the bartender.  Before he came to me, however, the Winker called him down to him.  He talked in a low voice and slipped the bartender a twenty.  The bartender sighed and came back to me. “Romeo down there wants to buy you a drink.”

I sighed.  I pulled a twenty from my wallet and handed it to the bartender.  “Tell him thanks but no thanks.”  I then pulled out a fifty.  “And this is for another bottle of whatever.”

“Look, mister, I don’t think…”

“I’m not giving you this fifty to think,” I said harshly.  “That other bottle was only half-full to begin with.  Gimme…that.” I pointed to the half-full bottle of Stoli on the shelf behind him.  “Stoli.”

“Coke? Juice?”

“Nope, that,” I said, and my throat burned as I took the first gulp.  The Winker stared at me in shock, took the twenty from the bartender, and walked away from the bar.  I smiled to myself grimly, remembering the first and last time I had tasted vodka on my lips.

 

 

I practically crawled back to the motel room I shared with Chris.  The performance had taken everything out of me, but the crowd had actually been singing along.  They knew our songs!  And that gave us all renewed energy.  A group of about thirty girls was waiting by our bus when we went to leave, and they screamed when they saw us coming. That was scary.  We were going to go to Europe soon; management thought we could do more there faster, but the fact that we even had a FEW fans was exciting.  Most of them surrounded JC and Justin, recognizing them from the Mickey Mouse Club, but I signed a few pieces of paper before getting on the bus. 

“Now what?” Joey asked.

“I’m hungry,” Justin said.

“I’m gonna crash,” JC said, and we all laughed.  Already JC was notorious for sleeping ALL the time.

“I’m going out,” Chris announced. Since JC wouldn’t be twenty-one for another month or so, Chris was the only one of age.  We all groaned and yelled at him jealously.  “What about you, Lance?”

“Oh, uh, I’ll just hit the hay, too. I’m tired.”  So I made it back to our room and crawled into bed.  We’d be rolling back to Orlando early the next morning in our tour bus, and I wanted REAL sleep.

I was awakened at three in the morning by a large crash.  “Oh, SHIT!”  A voice said in an exaggerated whisper.  I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

“Chris?” I asked, turning on the light. 

“Dammit, turn that off!” Chris shouted. I turned it off, but not before I saw my suitcase overturned on the floor. It had been sitting on a chair by the door, still open.  I groaned as I thought of everything I’d have to repack.  “God, Lance, I’m so sorry,” he slurred as he fell onto his bed. 

“It’s okay, Chris,” I sighed.  I went to the bathroom and turned on the light, almost closing the door. This way I could still see to pack my suitcase and the light wouldn’t bother him.

“Lemme help,” Chris said, stumbling over and falling to the floor. 

“No, Chris, it’s okay. Chris,” I repeated, grabbing his hands.  I could smell the vodka on his breath and it made me dizzy.  “C’mon, Chris.  Get into bed. You need to sleep, okay?”

“K,” he mumbled, allowing me to sit him up on the bed. 

“Can you take off your shoes?”

“I think so.” He leaned back and threw his leg into the air, fumbling with the laces. I left him go and went back to my suitcase.  I had it half packed when I noticed he hadn’t gotten anywhere. 

“For God’s sake, Chris,” I snapped, tired and annoyed.  I untied his shoes, and tossed them across the floor.  I unbuttoned his jeans and yanked them down.

“You’re good at this, Lance.  Ever undress a guy before?”  Chris asked with a smirk. I was thankful he hadn’t seen my blush. 

“Sure…I undress myself all the time,” I said lightly. I helped him pull the tshirt from his body and tucked him in.  “Go to sleep.”

“Thanks…Lance…” he said, reaching up to touch my cheek. 

“No problem.”  I returned to my suitcase and tried to cool the heat in my cheeks.  I hadn’t undressed a guy before…but the thought of it made me shiver.  I finished with my suitcase and heaved it up onto the chair. When I turned around, I jumped. Chris was sitting up in bed, watching me.  “You okay, Chris?” I asked weakly.

“Are YOU?”  His eyes moved to my boxers and I turned crimson.  While I had been thinking about undressing a man, my dick had obviously been considering it, too.

“Yes, fine.  Good night, Chris.” I started for my bed but Chris grabbed the elastic of my boxers, pulling me back.  I wormed away from him.  “What?”

“What were you doing in here while I was out, Lancey?” Chris asked, giggling.  “Were you jacking off? Did I interrupt?”  He asked in a loud whisper.

“Chris, knock it off,” I said, trying to sound angry.

“Who were you thinking about?  Was it one of those sound guys?  They were kinda hot,” Chris said teasingly.

“Chris, stop it,” I said, truly angry and embarrassed now.  I knew he had his suspicions about my preferences, but until now he had never said anything.  “You’re drunk. Shut up and go to bed. I’m tired.”

“Come to bed with me,” Chris begged. I glared at him.  “I’m not tired.”

“I AM.  Go to sleep.”  I pulled away one last time but he yanked me back, his hand running over my half-erect penis. I gasped and froze.  It quickly went from half-erect to full flagpole.  “Chris…”

“Wow, Lancey…not bad…” His fingers traced the outline of my dick and I bit back a moan. Maybe he’d get tired of this and pass out. Or maybe not.  “It’s almost as big as mine. Wanna see?”

“N-no,” I said weakly, and he grinned.

“I bet you do.” Chris reached in the flap of my boxers and took me in his hand.

“Chris, what the fuck are you doing?” I gasped, too shocked to move away.

“Just seeing…just seeing…” he repeated, stroking my hardness and pulling it through the flap.  “Mmm…so hard, Lancey. Just cuz of me?”

“Chris…” I moaned, begging my body to pull away, but I couldn’t.  His thumb ran over my head and he slicked it up with the precum that oozed forth. 

“You like this, Lance? Want me to make you cum?”  Chris whispered, his eyes fixated on my cock.

“Chris…don’t…please…” I tried one last time to make him stop but by then we were both too into it to pull away.  Knowing another man was doing what I had only done to myself was making me crazy. “Chris…I’m gonna…oh…shit…” I threw my head back as I came, coating my chest and his hand.  Chris reached down and grabbed a handful of sheet to wipe us off. He smiled up at me as I tucked my deflating dick back into my boxers.

“I’m tired now.”  He laid back on the bed and closed his eyes.  I looked down at him, still dazed.  I started back for my bed but he grabbed my hand. “Lance,” he whispered.  I turned around slowly.  “Did you like that?  Did you?”

“Yes,” I admitted, hating myself for it.  I didn’t want it to be like this.  I had always imagined that the first time I’d let a man touch me, it would be someone I loved.  But this…it was almost dirty.  And he hadn’t even kissed me.

“Come here,” Chris whispered, pulling on my hand.  I had no choice but to topple onto the bed.  His hands clumsily stroked my face and I once again smelled the vodka.  He pushed my head to his, and I couldn’t hold back a moan as he kissed me.  “Lance, suck me.”

“What?”  I almost yelled.

“Please, Lance…suck my dick…please…” Chris moaned, arching off the bed.  “I need it…so damn hard…”

“Chris, no,” I said, trying to sound firm.  He took my hand, placed it on his boxers, and I jumped.  He WAS hard, and I had never done this before. I suddenly wanted to more than anything, and I hated myself yet again. He was drunk and looking to get off.  I meant nothing to him except as a bandmate and friend.

“Please…Lance…I want those pretty lips around me…” he whispered, placing a hand on my shoulders and slightly shoving down. “Please…” he begged, and suddenly I couldn’t resist any longer. I slid my body down and pulled his hard dick from his boxers.  He had been right; he was slightly thicker than me but just as long.  I stroked him carefully, and from his moans I figured I was doing the right thing.  “Your mouth…Lance…Please…” Chris begged again. “It’s been so damn long since…oh YES!”  Chris moaned as I uncertainly placed my lips around him.  He pushed down on my head and I almost gagged.  His skin was smooth against my tongue and lips, and I didn’t have to worry about what to do. He controlled it all. He pushed on my head or pulled my hair and soon he couldn’t control his hips as he thrust into my mouth.  “Lance…fucking GOD you are so good…I’m gonna cum…cum so hard into that pretty mouth of yours…” a string of obscenities followed as he shot into my mouth.  The warm milky substance filled my mouth and throat and I swallowed so I wouldn’t gag.  Chris’ moans turned into whimpers, and he finally released my hair so I could move.  He lay on his back gasping for breath.  I pulled away and retreated to my bed, wondering what the hell had just happened. 

“Chris?  Are you okay?” I whispered.

“Fine…tired…” he said in a drunken whisper.  “Thanks…Lance…you’re good at that…never before?”

“No, never,” I whispered, and I could feel his grin.

“Damn good…maybe we could do it again,” his voice trailed off as he passed out.

I watched him in the dark for almost an hour.  No, I told myself.  Never again.

 

“Aggressive”

 

 

Oh honey I don’t have a prayer every time I see you standin’ there I go down upon my knees…and I’m changing, swore I’d never compromise, oh but you convinced me otherwise, I’ll do anything you please…

 

 

I drank two glasses of vodka and decided it turned my stomach. I carefully slid the bottle back towards the bartender, who grasped it in his large hand.  I looked at the hand idly…it reminded me of something…someone…

 

It DID happen again.  About ten more times over the next year.  We took our show on the road in Europe and became almost overnight sensations there.  Chris would arrange every once in a while for us to become roommates, and whenever he got drunk, he would become all eager hands and begging words.  It was always the same…he would jack me off and then beg me to blow him.  And he soon didn’t have to beg.  I didn’t particularly LIKE Chris; outside the bedroom we barely got along, but I liked the feeling of being wanted.  Even though he was drunk and just looking for a new exciting way to get off, he wanted ME to do it for him. That is, until he found his girlfriend Danielle.  Suddenly he wasn’t interested in what I had to offer, and he was actually decent enough not to just use me when she wasn’t around.  So I only roomed with him when chance made it happen, and after a few weeks of nervous encounters in the hallway when we found each other alone, we settled into a friendly routine of “getting along,” whatever that meant.

I enjoyed Europe more than I ever thought possible.  Europe was much more free and open minded, and I liked that I could walk through the streets looking at things that interested me without wondering what people thought.  I didn’t have the guts to go into a gay bar yet, but I would sit at the cafes nearby and watch the couples go in and out.  Men would walk in alone and out with their arms around each other’s waists. I wanted that. I wanted the camaraderie that came along with finding the special someone. Only problem was, I was too shy to approach anyone.  I didn’t have gaydar, I couldn’t tell if someone was straight or not.  But more and more I wanted to find someone to be with again, like I had been with Chris.

One day in Paris I got brave enough to buy a homosexual magazine.  I locked myself in the room I shared with Joey this time and flopped onto the bed.  My high school French helped me stammer through the articles, but it was the pictures that intrigued me. I knew what two men did, and had often dreamt about it, but seeing it on paper…in color…it was amazing.  I swallowed deeply, feeling myself get hard against the mattress.  Holy hell…suddenly all I wanted was to feel another man’s naked body against mine…his fingers stretching my…

“Hey,” Joey said, unlocking the door. I shoved the magazine under my pillow and tried to smile up at him.

“Hey.  I thought y’all were shopping.”

“They are.  I forgot my wallet, dammit.”  Joey dug through the jeans he had worn the day before.  He paused and looked up at me.

“Why didn’t you come along?”

I couldn’t say that Chris had organized the trip and had conveniently forgotten to invite me.  “Oh, I just…”

“Get your ass off that bed and let’s go.”  Joey tugged on my bare foot, grinning his big grin.

“Joey, c’mon,” I whined. I wanted to be alone…alone with my magazine.

“Lance Bass, you are such a baby.  Come on, ya hermit.”  Joey grabbed my ankle and pulled.  Without thinking, I grabbed my pillow, the only thing I could get my hand on. I slid to the floor, my pillow slid to the floor, and the magazine slid to the floor, opening wide to a full page spread of three guys going at it.  My face turned purple as I grabbed the magazine and closed it.  Joey looked from the magazine to my face and back to the magazine.  “Coming or not?”  He asked, his brown eyes drinking in my red face.

“Sure,” I said weakly. I threw the magazine onto the bed and blindly reached under the bed for my sneakers.  I put them on the wrong feet and yanked them off angrily.

“I’ll be downstairs.  The guys are a few blocks up,” Joey said.  He left and I cursed, throwing my shoe at the door.  I HAD to come along, because he knew now what I’d be doing when he left. I was surprised that he hadn’t said anything…I would learn soon why he hadn’t.

“Aggressive” 2

 

I actually had a good time shopping with the guys.  Chris looked kinda surprised when I showed up with Joey, but had the good grace to say nothing.  Joey and I hung behind the others a lot of times, talking about Paris and what we liked about it. I was surprised how much I had in common with him. If I would have had to pick someone in the group to bond with, Joey would have been my last choice.  We were as different as night and day in looks…he was tall and dark and rugged while I was fair and smaller and girly, to use Chris’ word.  Joey was so much fun. I had always recognized that, but he had never turned that fun personality onto me with so much directness before.  He liked to laugh, liked to joke, and I soon found myself trying my best to make that sunny smile flash across his face.  We were in a hat shop with the others when things began.

“Hey, Lance, what do you think?”  Joey’s Brooklyn accent was thick as he put on a hat that was somewhat like a cowboy hat, except it had a strap that went beneath the chin.

“You look like a dork,” JC observed, placing a fedora on his own head.

“I didn’t ASK you, JC,” Joey snapped, turning back to me.  “Well?”

“Here. It’s crooked.” I reached up to adjust it, running my finger between the strap and his chin to untwist it.  My fingers ran against the soft harshness of his beard, and I felt my backbone shiver.  His face was strong, and I could feel his cheekbone beneath my trembling finger. “Um.  There.  Looks great.”

“Oh, God, Joey, PLEASE,” Chris begged.  “Your fashion sense is bad enough to begin with.  Lance, take that thing off him.”

“You guys are no fun.” Joey winked at me but took the hat off. 

I made my escape as quickly as I could, gratefully inhaling fresh air as I hurried out of the store.  God, being that close to someone like Joey, especially after reading that magazine…it was driving me crazy.  I mentally beat myself up. This was Joey, the guy who ALWAYS had a girl with him when he got the single room. Joey was the most macho guy I knew…and there was NO way I could get him interested in me.

Unfortunately, my heart saw otherwise.  During the rest of our afternoon, I slowly developed a crush on Joey.  He was funny, he was nice, and he was pretty damn hot.  We stopped for lunch at a café along the street, and as I sat across from him, I couldn’t help but wonder what he looked like naked. I closed my eyes and imagined us in some of the scenes from the magazine.  I groaned out loud.  Justin, who was seated next to me, looked concerned.

“You okay, Lance?”

“Um, yeah,” I said weakly.  I stood and flexed my leg.  “I got a cramp or something.  Too much walking.”

“We’re near the hotel, do you need to go back?”  Justin continued.  I nodded slowly. I needed out of there.  Away from Joey.

“Yeah…I’m gonna head back.” I threw down some money for the food I hadn’t eaten.  “See you guys later.”

“Do you need us to come with you?”  JC asked, and Chris glared at him. I glared back at Chris, who looked surprised.

“Nah, I’m cool.  Maybe I just need to walk it out.” I made a great deal of hobbling as I walked.  I made it out of their eyesight, then I practically RAN back to the hotel. 

The magazine was where I had thrown it.  I picked it up with shaking hands and began to flip through it again, not even bothering to sit down.  One of the pages in the back showed a young man on his hands and knees, with another man behind him.  The man on the floor was blond, and the larger man behind him had dark hair and a dark beard.  I whimpered and threw the magazine down. I needed a cold shower.

 

Twenty minutes later when I got out of the shower, I felt a bit better.  I could handle this.  This was some weird schoolboy crush. I only thought about Joey because he had been nice to me during the day, and because he had been kind enough not to say anything about the magazine. I had really thought he’d be the most freaked out about what I wanted; he didn’t seem the kind that thought much of homosexuality.  I sighed and opened the door to the bedroom, not even bothering to wrap a towel around me.  When I saw Joey on my bed, flipping through the magazine, I let out a yelp and jumped behind the door.  Joey looked up in surprise.

“Hey, Lance. I brought you back your sandwich.”  He pointed to a bag on the bed.

“Wow, Joe, thanks,” I said weakly.  “Can you…um…toss me those shorts?”

“Why don’t you just put on a towel? I’ll massage your calves for you,” he suggested.  “While you eat.”

“Um, okay,” I said, thinking how much I did NOT want this to happen.  I knew laying on the erection I was sprouting would be totally painful. I just prayed I could get to the bed quick enough that he wouldn’t see it.  I wrapped a big towel around me and hurried to my bed.  Joey got up, tossing down the magazine. He handed me the bag from the café and I took it, laying down on my stomach.  I had a mouthful of sandwich when he started on my calves. I groaned with pleasure.  They WERE kinda tight.

“How does this feel?”

“Heavenly,” I mumbled around my sandwich, and he chuckled.  “Thanks, Joe.”

“No problemo.”  I felt his large hands work their way around my calves and I sighed. If I couldn’t get what I wanted, this was sure as hell second best. I finished off the sandwich and laid my head on the pillow.  I shivered as his hands moved up to the back of my thighs.  “While I’m here, might as well give you the full Joey Fatone special massage,” he said, and I could hear the smile on his face.

“No complaints from me,” I said, sighing with pleasure.  I imagined those hands on my skin, sliding around and moving around, and when something cold hit my legs, I jumped.

“Relax.  Just some skin lotion.  It’s better for massages,” he told me, and his hands did indeed move faster and easier.  Just when I thought it couldn’t get better, I felt his hands under my towel, on my ass.  I swallowed deeply, clenching all my muscles.

“Lance, relax,” he whispered, and I tried to do what he asked. “So, Lance, I guess you’re gay, huh?”

“I…well…” I sputtered.

“That’s cool. Whatever floats your boat.”  Joey’s large hands kneaded my backside and I whimpered.  “I mean, I’m not into that, I mean, not totally going to guys, but if you are that’s fine with me.”  He thought for a moment.  “Have you ever BEEN with a girl, Lance?”

“I kissed one once, after a dance, but I never…you know…” I said, grateful he couldn’t see my red face.

“How about a guy?”

“Well…I…I kissed one…and I…um…gave a guy…uh…” I was so embarrassed.

“Blow job?”  Joey asked, and I nodded.  “Are you any good?”

I couldn’t help but smile as he chuckled.  “He thought so, I think,” I replied.

“So you never…you know…fucked a guy?  Been fucked?”

“No,” I whispered, getting harder and harder as I listened to him talk.

“Anal sex is amazing, Lance,” Joey continued, his tone calm, like we were talking about a baseball game or something.  “It’s so damn tight. I mean, I’ve never caught, only pitched, but I hear for a guy it’s better than for a girl, cuz of that prostrate thing.”

“ProSTATE,” I corrected.

“Yeah, prostate.  I always get them messed up.”  Joey’s hands relaxed until he was caressing my ass and not massaging it.  “What do you say?”

“About what?” I asked, confused.

“Me and you…tonight…”

I rolled over, making sure to keep the towel tight.  “WHAT?”

“After dinner…we could come back here…and I could…you know…” Joey waved his hand in the air.  “Fuck you.”

“Joey, I…you…” I said weakly.

“Look, Lance, I can tell by looking at you that you want it, and I haven’t had sex in like ten days or something. I’m horny as fuck.  And the last time I had ass…shit…it’s been MONTHS.  Most girls don’t like that.”  Joey’s eyes were huge and brown. “If you wanna say no, that’s cool, but we could…ya know…help each other out.”

“I…Joe…” I desperately wanted to say yes, but something held me back.

“Okay, here’s the deal.  I’m gonna take a shower and you get dressed.  Tonight we’re doing dinner and a movie.  After the movies, we’ll come back here, make our excuses.  Then you tell me what you want.”

“Okay,” I whispered.  Joey smiled at me and I rolled back on my stomach. I felt his hands slide off my ass, but not before one finger slid down in the crack.  I waited for the bathroom door to close before moaning loudly.

 

Dinner had no taste. The movie? Don’t ask. I have no clue what it was about. All I know is that Joey made sure he was across from me at dinner and next to me at the movies.  He did nothing out of the ordinary, but my senses were heightened when it came to him. I could smell his cologne, hear his soft breathing, feel his leg brush against mine. Oh, God, I wanted him.  My heart and soul said, You’re crazy.  You’ll just fall for him and he won’t be interested.  He’s using you.  My mind said, So what? Use each other then.  My body said, Just let the man fuck you!

“Now what?” Chris said when we came out of the theater.  “Around here all you babies can get into the clubs.”

“Fuck you, Chris,” Justin growled.  He hated being reminded of his young age.

“I’m into going back and crashing. What about you, Lance?” Joey asked me innocently, and I almost stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk.

“YOU want to turn in early?” Chris stared at Joey.

“Is that a crime, Chris?”  Joey’s face was grim as he looked at Chris.  Chris backed down.

“No, of course not.” Chris shrugged.  “Suit yourself.  JC?  Justin? Lance?”  His eyes flickered over me.

“I’m in,” Justin said immediately.

“Me too. I napped earlier so I’m awake now,” JC added.  I looked at Joey briefly, he was studying his shoes.

“I think I’ll crash, too,” I said finally.  “If I can get to sleep past Joey’s snoring,” I said, to lighten the moment.

“Good luck,” JC said, and grinned at Joey. Joey smiled back, giving JC the finger.

“Shut up,” he said.  “Okay, guys.  We’ll see y’all on the bus tomorrow morning.”  Joey threw an arm around my shoulders affectionately and we headed for the hotel.

When we got to the room, I was very nervous. The offensive magazine was hidden in my suitcase.  Joey flopped onto his bed and turned on the TV.  “I’m…uh…gonna shower…” I stammered.

“Okay,” he said, his eyes never leaving the screen.  I went into the bathroom, undressed, and stood under the water for almost twenty-five minutes.  My mind, heart and body were all fighting a losing battle.  Every part of me knew the body would win.  I wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the door. Joey had stripped down to his boxers and was still watching TV. All the lights were off, but in the flickering glow of the screen I could see a slight bulge in his crotch. I swallowed deeply, then cleared my throat.  Joey glanced up at me.

“I’m…uh…done…” I said stupidly.

“I see.  Why don’t you lay down and we’ll finish that massage.  I never did get to your back,” Joey suggested.  I silently nodded and lay down.  Joey gently pulled the towel from around my waist and I shivered.  “Relax, Lance,” he whispered.  I closed my eyes, sighing when I felt the coolness of the lotion against my back. 

Joey’s strong hands worked the lotion into my skin, and to this day I don’t think I’ve ever had a better massage.  I moaned slightly and I heard him chuckle.  “That…is good…” I whispered.

“I can make it better,” Joey said, leaning forward to whisper in my ear.  His breath tickled my skin and I shivered again.  I didn’t say anything, and he leaned back.  He began to work his hands lower, until he was once again working the skin of my backside.  I heard him squirt more lotion onto his hands, and they felt slick as they moved over my ass.  His fingers got closer and closer, then I felt him slowly part me.  “Lance, just relax, okay? This will feel weird, but good…and whenever you want me to stop…I will…” I nodded, mentally begging him not to stop.  I gasped as one finger circled my opening, then slowly slid inside. I cried out, but I wasn’t sure if it was pain or pleasure that made the sound.  I felt his thick finger glide in and out, and I moaned again as another finger joined in.

“Oh…my GOD…Joey…” I couldn’t keep from groaning.

“Feels good…right?”  A third finger was added and I winced. “So…tight…shit I can’t wait to be there…” Joey whispered, and his words made me rock hard.  “Do you want me there, Lance?”  I nodded.  Suddenly a hand twisted in my hair and yanked my head back.  “I SAID, do you want me there?”

“Yes, Joey, yes!” I said quickly, and he released me.  The fingers went in faster…harder…gone was the gentleness and I wasn’t sure I minded.  Joey removed his fingers and I whimpered.  I heard him chuckle.

“Don’t worry…something will be in there soon enough that’s gonna make you do more than make those baby whimpers.”  I heard him slide off his boxers, and I turned my head.

“Holy shit,” I whispered to myself.  Joey was huge…at least in my inexperienced eyes. 

“Sit up,” he barked, and I quickly obeyed.  He handed me the lotion.  “Lube me.”

I looked up at him wide-eyed, but took the bottle.  I squirted some lotion into my hands and began to gently stroke his cock.  I could feel it throbbing in my hand.  “Is…is that enough?”

A hand reached into my hair, yanking my head back to look at him. I moaned deep in my throat and he chuckled.  The smile on his face was a smirk, but his eyes were not angry. I realized then that he KNEW I’d like something like this, KNEW I’d like his aggressiveness.  Joey wasn’t as dumb as everyone though.  “I’ll tell you when it’s enough, okay?” I nodded and made him as wet as I could.  “Okay…enough…” he said a few minutes later.  “Back down.”  I lay down on my stomach.  “Hands and knees,” he snapped, and I quickly got back up. I heard him open a condom package.   He pulled at my waist until my feet were at the edge of the bed. I felt him spread me, and those wet fingers were working the lotion over me once more.  Soon I was thrusting back against him.

“Joey…please…” I whispered.

“You asked for it,” he said softly, and he held me apart with one hand while he guided himself in with the other.  I muffled my face in a pillow to hide the scream that left my mouth.  He had worked me good, but it was still the worst pain I had ever experienced.  I tried to pull away, but he knew it would happen.  “Just relax…push back…push…” I felt him pop inside and he buried himself with a sigh.  Joey didn’t move for a second and neither did I. I was in a haze.  Joey was filling me. Filling me completely.  Another man’s cock was in my ass and I was loving it.  He slowly slid out, then filled me once more.  He kept the movements slow, so I could get used to it, then his sliding became hammering.

“Joey…oh…God…oh…” I murmured, my head thrown back. I wished I could have seen from his angle…could have seen what it looked like to move in and out of me.  His large hand were on my waist, slamming me back against him.  My cock was dripping onto the bed, and I tried to lift one arm to stroke myself.  I couldn’t; his motions were too strong.  If I leaned on one arm I would fall over.

“Let me help you there,” Joey murmured, and I was surprised. I looked down at his large hand gripping my cock and stroking it.  I hadn’t expected him to do something like this; it sure as hell wasn’t something he’d do to a woman.  It only took a few strokes of his hand for me to cum, crying his name.  He quickly put both hands on my waist, burying himself as deep as he could.  “Fuck…oh fuck…so tight…I’m gonna…SHIT!”  Joey tried not to scream as he came, pumping into me one last time. 

Joey pulled out and tumbled onto the floor. I fell face first onto the bed, my breath coming in great gasps. It took a moment for me to realize that the gasps were actually sobs.  I was crying.  I felt a hand on my leg and I shook it off.  “Don’t…” I whispered.

“Lance, God…you’re crying. Are you okay? Did it hurt that much?”  Suddenly Joey’s face was in MY face, full of concern.

“No…not really…” I whispered, and it hadn’t. It wasn’t my body that hurt…it was my heart. I wondered if women felt this way when giving their virginity to someone.  Everyone made such a big deal about it, and I wondered if they ever thought that the person they chose maybe was the WRONG person. But it was too late now.

“I forced you…”

“No, you didn’t.”  I gave him an honest smile. “I didn’t mind…I liked you all aggressive like that,” I said shyly, and he grinned that mile wide grin.

“I thought you might.  I’m gonna shower.”  He tossed the condom into the trashcan and went into the bathroom.  I climbed into the bed, pulled up the covers, and stared at the ceiling.

 

“Passive”

 

You see, in all my life I never found what I couldn’t resist what I couldn’t turn down…I could walk away from anyone I ever knew, but I can’t walk away from you…

 

 

“Is it so very bad?”  The woman asked, sliding into a chair next to me.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumbled.  “Gimme a beer,” I said to the bartender.  “What’s your name, anyway?”

“Mike,” he replied.

“Mike,” I repeated.  “I’m…James.”

“What kinda beer, James?”  He asked.

“I don’t care…whatever’s on tap,” I slurred.  I looked over at the girl next to me. She was pretty enough, long red hair and big hazel eyes. “Give her whatever, too.”

“Gin and tonic,” she told Mike, and he nodded. She turned back to me.  “I’m Veronica, James.”  I nodded.  “I’ve been watching you.”

“I noticed,” I replied, remembering her looks from the end of the bar.  “And I appreciate it, but I’m not interested.”

“I just want to talk,” she said, putting a hand on my arm.  “You looked so sad, and you’re just so alone up here, drinking yourself to death.”

“I wish,” I said with a grim smile.  “Look, um, Veronica, I really don’t want to talk about all this…”

“Then don’t.  Talk about something else.” She smiled at Mike and took her drink.  I took a long swallow of my beer. 

“Veronica, did you ever regret losing your virginity?” I asked her finally.  She was surprisingly composed.  Even Mike raised an eyebrow.  He hovered by us, ready to hear how this conversation was going to go.

“Yes and no,” she replied. “I’m not sorry I ever had sex, but…”

“You think maybe you chose the wrong man to lose it to?”  I finished, and she nodded. I sighed. I knew it.  “Me too,” I said softly.

 

What started between Joey and I lasted throughout the tour in Europe.  I became the replacement for all the girls he used to bring back to his room. I was safe, and there were no strings attached.  Unfortunately, there WERE strings attached for me. I knew that even if Joey miraculously decided to be gay, there were too many differences for us to ever work out.  And it was getting harder and harder for me to have sex with him.  Too much was becoming involved…namely, my heart.  I kept trying to get the nerve up to end it all, but he would smile at me, give me the inviting look once we were alone in one of our rooms, and I couldn’t say no. When we were in our last city before returning to the States, he approached me with a sad look in his eyes.  I knew instantly it was over, and it was with a sense of relief that I told him I understood and that I was okay with it.  Thankfully I had the lone room in that city, and I could cry my eyes out that night.  Joey was the first crush I had ever had that reciprocated any kind of feeling towards me, even if it was just physical, and I felt like I left part of me behind.

When we got back to the States, everything was VERY different.  Number one, no one knew us there.  No screaming fans waited in the airport.  Number two, I really had to watch myself. I often wandered the streets alone in Europe, happy to look and stare and drool all I wanted.  Things weren’t the same here, and when we started touring we spent a LOT more time together as a group.  Chris and Joey knew what I was, even though I couldn’t say it out loud yet.  They were cool about it, though, and never mentioned it, not even when we were alone.  I don’t think either of them knew what had happened with the other, and if they did, they never mentioned it to me.

 

The new choreography was killing me. I worked my ass off to nail each step, and though the guys were helpful, I still felt like I was failing them. Vocally I was on top, but when it came to dancing I felt so helpless.  One day after a six-hour dance rehearsal, the rest of the guys left for dinner while I stayed to work on the moves.  I was surprised to see JC return to the dance room about twenty minutes after they had left. 

“Lance, what the hell are you still doing here?” His big blue eyes were inquisitive as he stood in the doorway.

“What does it look like?” I panted. 

“Um, attempting to dance?”  JC’s sunny grin showed he was teasing.  “Man, you honestly need to stop for tonight, or you’ll wear yourself out.”

“We don’t have rehearsal tomorrow, and I really need to work on this,” I said.  “I don’t think I can find room to work on it at home.”

“Come over to our place,” he said suddenly.  He, Joey and Justin shared a small house.  “I’m busy during the day, but we could work on it in the evening.  Joey has plans, and I think Justin will be out, too. It would just be us.” I was sure he told me that on purpose. He knew that I envied Justin’s dance style, and to have him in the house would be mortifying.  “We could go grab something to eat, maybe go out. I know some places that would let you in even though you’re underage.”

“Really?” I said, and I didn’t mean about the underage thing.  JC was always nice to me, but I was still in awe of him slightly, and was a little unsure in his presence.

“Sure. Is it a date?” he asked, punching my shoulder lightly.

“Yeah,” I said with a smile.

“Now go home and rest,” he ordered. I nodded, smiling again.

 

I was nervous as I drove up to JC’s house.  I wore my workout clothes, prepared to really work hard on this dance.  JC was as good a dancer as Justin, and I really hoped he could help me nail this.  “Hey,” he called, opening the front door before I reached the sidewalk.  “Please tell me you’re not gonna wear that to go out, too.”

“I was thinking about it…what’s wrong with it?” I turned in a circle, looking down at my fleece shorts and ratty old tank top. “I think I could get some wearing this.”

“Maybe a black eye from the fashion police,” JC said with a grin.

“Don’t worry…I have clothes in the car,” I informed him. It was impossible to keep from smiling back when JC smiled at you.

“Good. C’mon in and excuse the mess.”  He wove his way through a pile of shoes by the front door.  “I’d keep the place cleaner, but I live with pigs.”

“Oink,” I said, laughing as I almost fell over a pile of clothing in the hallway.

“Oh, those are Justin’s. I’m not gonna do his freaking laundry anymore.  He asks me to do it ‘just this once’ and once turns into every week.”  JC frowned, kicking the pile of clothes.  “So everything of his that goes in the hamper gets thrown on this pile. I’m hoping he runs out of clothes and realizes that he needs to do laundry.”

“He won’t. He’ll start hitting one of us up for clothes,” I said with a laugh.  Justin was notorious for borrowing clothes from either JC or me.

“Well, he’ll have to run around naked, then, because I won’t give him any.  And don’t you give him any, either,” JC ordered, opening a door. “This is supposed to be a third bedroom, but we turned it into a makeshift workout room and studio.”  He shoved the piano across the hardwood floor, and I hurried to help him.  “Okay, Lansten…what do you wanna start with?”

I quickly popped a tape into the stereo and fast-forwarded it.  “Here.”  I started the moves and JC stopped me.

“No…left foot first.  That’s your problem. You can’t hit the turn because your weight is balanced wrong.” He did the step perfectly and I groaned.

“I will never get this.”

“Trust me, Lance. By the time we are through tonight, you’ll be able to dance circles around ALL of us.  I’m a great teacher.”  That smile flashed again, though it was different this time. Once more, I couldn’t help but smile back.

 

But JC was right.  He was an excellent teacher.  He told me to ignore the hand motions and the arms until I got the feet, because then the feet would be second nature.  It was two hours before he felt I knew the feet, and then he started on the arms.  “But I feel like a scarecrow!” I whined when he had me not dance with my feet but only with my arms.

JC turned off the music.  “Just…okay…wait.  Do this.”  He stood in front of me and. “Put your hands on my arms.”  He began to slowly work on the routine, doing only hand motions.  “Feel that?  See where it goes?”

“Um, yeah,” I said softly.  I cursed my body and how it was reacting.  JC’s sinewy arms flowed through the choreography like liquid, and I could feel his muscles ripple under my arms.  Stop, I told myself.  Not again.  JC wasn’t like that.

“Here…try this.”  He turned around and stood behind me.  He put his hands on MY arms, standing close so he could reach my wrists.  “Do it.  Dance.”

“Okay,” I muttered as he began to count the beats. I couldn’t concentrate.  All I could think of was JC’s tall, thin body pressed up against me, and my concentration was totally shattered when I felt a pressing against my backside.  Was that his…it was hard!

“Um, I think we’re done for today,” JC said finally, and I was grateful.  “There’s a shower down the hall…I’ll use the one near my room.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll just get my stuff.” I was happy to run out to my car, out to cool air…out to a place where I could will my hard on away.

 

When I came out of the bathroom, JC was still getting ready. I smiled as I flopped down in the living room.  Mr. GQ was notorious for taking FOREVER to get ready.  He wasn’t vain, really, just…interested in his appearance.

“I’m sorry,” he said, hurrying from his bedroom. “I know you’re probably starving. I thought we could grab a bit and then hit this bar I know about.”

“Okay,” I said, standing and turning around. “I thought…” I froze as I looked at him.  He looked better than I had ever seen him look, as if he had really taken care to look that good.  He wore dark green dress pants and a black dress shirt that was unbuttoned.  A black wifebeater clung to his slender torso.  “I…uh…I thought…” I stammered.

“What?  Do I look weird or something?”  JC looked at himself worriedly.

“No…not at all,” I whispered.  “You look fantastic.”

“Thanks!” JC said with a happy grin.  “You look good, too.”  I blushed.  I wore simple khakis and a red dress shirt, and my hair was teased up into its usual mass of blond spikes.  “Let’s roll.  Wanna drive?”

“Nah, you go ahead,” I said.  I loved JC’s new Mustang convertible.  He put the top down and squealed out of his driveway.

We chatted on the way to the restaurant, and I tried not to stare at him.  Why had I just now noticed him?  Why now?  He talked about things he wanted to do with the group, songs he wanted to write, ideas he had about producing…I listened with half a brain. The other half had taken up permanent residence in the gutter.

“Okay, here we are.” He pulled into the parking lot of a new restaurant in town.  “This place is great. I’ve been here twice. I hope you like it…”

“I’m sure I will,” I replied, not knowing how much I would end up liking everything that would happen that night.

 

I have never let anything have this much control over me, I work too hard to call my life my own…And I’ve made myself a world and it’s worked so perfectly…but it’s your world now, I can’t refuse, I’ve never had so much to lose…oh, I’m shameless…

 

 

JC was right, the restaurant was great.  We had a good dinner, and talked as we never had before.  He was intelligent, I knew that, but he had this business savvy that I admired.  I admitted to him that I really liked the whole business side of the industry, and that I thought I might like to manage someday.  JC welcomed that idea with one of his smiles.

“That would be great, Lance,” he told me.  “You can really appreciate the performance aspect, while doing all the business stuff.  I think you’d be a good manager.  You have a good heart, but you know what priorities are.”

“You think all that about me?” I was shocked.

“Sure.  I don’t hang out with stupid mean people,” he said, tossing down some money for the check. I reached for my wallet.  “No.  My treat.”  He put a hand on my arm.  “You get it next time, okay?”

Next time, I thought to myself, wondering if there really WOULD be a next time. I felt very comfortable with JC, so comfortable that I actually allowed myself to think all the gutter thoughts that had been prancing around my brain during dinner.  He opened the passenger door and I slid into his car, wondering how many other people had shared this seat.

“Now what?” I asked for something to say. JC’s blue eyes seemed to blaze through me.

“Okay, Lance…there’s this bar I want to take you to. It’s a bit…different…but I think…well, I KNOW, that you’ll like it. I’ve been there quite a few times.  They know who I am, like as a customer, but not WHO I am.  You understand?” I did. It was getting harder and harder to just be JC and Lance and Joey and Chris and Justin instead of JC Chasez, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick and Justin Timberlake of NSYNC. “If you feel weird or want to leave, you say and we’ll go. Okay?”

I nodded.  “And I can get in?” I meant my age.

“Sure. They know me…and this place isn’t all that popular to begin with.”  We sped out of the parking lot and soon were driving down the highway, singing along with the radio at the top of our lungs.  One of our songs came on and JC began a perfect imitation of Justin’s singing style that had me screaming with laughter.

 

“Okay, here we are,” JC said, swerving his car into a space. There were about twelve cars in the large parking lot, but it was still early.  I looked up at the sign over the door and my face went white. 

“Stallions?” I whispered, looking at JC sadly. I thought he was my friend…but this really made me doubt him.  “What’s going on?”

“C’mon. This place is cool.”  JC got out of the car and headed for the door. He whirled around when he realized I was in the car.  “Lance?”

“JC, I know what kind of bar this is,” I said softly, my heart sinking.  Everyone knew what this bar was. “And I don’t think it’s a very funny joke.”  I actually started to get angry.  “Actually, I think it’s a fucking AWFUL joke.”

“Lance, what’s wrong?”  JC asked, surprise written all over his face.  I leapt out of the car, slamming the door behind me.  “Hey, take it easy on the new car!”  JC protested, trying to tease me.

“I don’t think this is funny at all, JC.  I think it’s downright RUDE.  What, were you talking to Chris or something?  Did he think it would be hysterical for you to take little Lance to a gay bar, see what he’d do? I’m not playing like this…and I never expected it from YOU, of all people.” I poked JC in the chest, advancing on him until he was backed up against his car.

“Lance, I’m not playing a joke on you, honest!” JC’s blue eyes were huge.  “I come here all the time, swear to God.  We can go in, and you’ll see that they know me. They know Josh.”  He swallowed deeply. “I always thought you were…you know…like me…and I thought you would like to come here. I got the feeling you never had…you know, on your own.”

I stared at him. JC was gay?  “You mean…”

“Yeah,” JC said softly, looking everywhere but at me.  “And no one else knows, okay? I’ve never had any kind of real relationship, just flings here and there, but I’m gay…and I knew you’d understand.”  He finally met my gaze.  “Don’t you?”

“Yeah,” I finally admitted, stepping back.  “I do.”

“So, can we go in now?” He asked, and I finally smiled.

“Yes, we can.”  I grabbed my wallet from the seat, shoving it in my back pocket.  We headed for the door, then JC turned around to look at me, a smile slowly crossing his face.

“Damn, Lance, I didn’t know you could get all aggressive like that.”

“Me either,” I replied, smiling back.

 

I don’t know what I expected, but this bar wasn’t it.  There weren’t men fucking on the dance floor or anything, and actually, there were as many women in the place as men.  Sure, same sex couples grooved on the dance floor, but the music was the same and the atmosphere was the same. So why was I so nervous?

People greeted JC by name, smiling and slapping him on the back. I couldn’t believe it.  JC really WAS gay.  He introduced me as his friend, and many men gave me the once-over. I couldn’t help but blush, which only made them all laugh. But it wasn’t a mean laugh, more like a laughing with me, not at me.  JC got me a beer, and I nursed it in a corner as he quickly worked the crowd.  He was truly a people person, for as serious as he could be about the music.

“You gonna dance with me or what?”  JC asked when an exceptionally fine groove started.

“JC, I don’t know.”  I looked around.  Everyone in the room seemed to have rhythm but me. “I’d make you look bad.  I’d rather stand here and watch.”

“Josh, come on.”  A short older man pulled on JC’s shirt.  “Let’s dance.”

“Lance,” JC said over his shoulder.  I gave him a cute little wave and laughed as he tossed me a look of angry desperation. He was forced onto the dance floor by the other man, and I howled with laughter as JC looked everywhere but at his partner.

“You a friend of Josh’s?”  A voice asked. I turned to see a tall red-haired man standing behind me.

“Yeah,” I said shyly. “We, uh, we work together.”

“Cool.” He held out his hand.  “I’m Jason.”

“Lance,” I said, shaking his hand.  He motioned to my empty bottle.

“Can I get you another beer?”

“Yeah, sure.”  I dug out some money, but he waved my hand away. 

“Let me.”  He went to the bar and quickly came back with another beer for each of us.  “You get the next one.”

“I…uh…I can’t,” I said softly. “I’m only twenty.”

“You shouldn’t admit that to just anyone,” he said softly. My eyes widened.

“Why? Are there undercover cops in here or something?”

Jason threw back his head and laughed.  “You’re cute.” I blushed furiously.  “Nah…some people in here would see you as fresh meat.  You need to be careful.”

“Oh, right,” I said quickly. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-five,” he said.  “Why aren’t you dancing with Josh?”

“I…well…I can’t dance.  Not like him.” I watched JC wistfully as he bumped and grinded with a new partner.

“No one really can dance like Josh, can they,” Jason replied.  A slow song soon came on and he looked at me intensely. “How about this?  Can you dance like this?”

“I…well…yeah,” I stammered.  “But I never…”

“Dancing with a guy is just like dancing with a girl.  Come on.  I’ll even let you lead if you want,” he said, and I couldn’t help but smile.  He placed our beers on the bar and led me to the dance floor. I saw JC’s eyes about fall out of his head, and I couldn’t help but feel a surge of victory. Screw Joey, screw Chris, even screw JC.  I could get a man all by myself.  Jason took my hands and put them around his neck. He placed his gently on my waist.  “See?  You are doing just fine.”

“Thank you,” I said softly, glancing over his shoulder.  JC had a new beer in his hand, and he was leaning against a wall, sulking. He looked…jealous.  I smiled at him, and he just looked at me.

“So…can I have your number?”  Jason asked, and I snapped back to him.

“Huh?”

“I SAID, can I have your number, Lance?”

“I…well…I…” I stammered, wondering what to do. If it was a girl, I would have given her the number instantly. But this was new territory. I almost wished JC was right there to tell me what was the right thing to say.

“How about I give you MY number?”  Jason said.  The song ended and we pulled apart.  “Here’s my card.” I took the smooth white card he handed me, turning it over in my hand. He was an attorney for a well-known law firm in the city.

“Isn’t it hard…I mean…being a lawyer and gay?” I finally asked.  He shrugged.

“It’s the nineties, Lance.  My bosses know, and as long as I don’t do anything crazy, they really don’t care.”

“Cool. Wish my boss was like that,” I replied wistfully.  The public was my boss, and I knew they wouldn’t accept things that easily.

The night flew by.  Jason continued to buy me drinks, and soon we were in a dark corner making out.  His hands rested comfortably on my ass as his tongue dueled with mine, but I couldn’t concentrate on him. In my lightly buzzed haze it wasn’t his hazel eyes I saw…it was a pair of blue eyes that always seemed to see right through me.

“Hey, Cinderella, let’s go. I’m ready to plow,” a voice behind me said. I turned to see JC standing behind me, an annoyed look on his face. 

“JC, hi!” I said happily.  Jason pulled me back so my body was resting against him. His hand was on my waist possessively. “You know Jason?”

“Yes, I do. Hi, Jason. Come ON, Lance, I want to go.”

“But…”

“I could drive you home,” Jason whispered in my ear, and I shivered.

“NO. I’m taking him home. He’s my responsibility.”  JC glared at Jason.  I glared back at JC.

“Responsibility?” I snapped.

“Go ahead, little Lance.”  Jason kissed the back of my neck. “You have my number.”

“Right. I do.”  For some reason, JC’s attitude annoyed me, so I made sure to give Jason an extra-passionate kiss right in front of JC.  “Good bye and thanks for a great time.”

“Later,” Jason said with a tantalizing grin. He winked at JC, who dragged me to the door.

“JC, what the fuck?” I growled as I almost stumbled.

“We need to get you home. Home and sober.”

“I’m not drunk, honest!” I exclaimed as we hit the parking lot.  “I could do a cartwheel.  Bet I could even dance.”

“You can’t dance sober, Lance.”  JC unceremoniously tumbled me into the passenger seat and jumped behind the wheel.  “God, I hope Joey and Justin aren’t home. I will never hear the end of this one.”

“Joey,” I said with a sigh. “Nice hands.”

JC looked at me sharply. “Did you fuck Joey?”

“No,” I said honestly. I had never fucked Joey. He had fucked me.

“And you mentioned Chris before?”

“Never fucked him either,” I said sadly. “Never fucked anyone.”

“You were doing a good job in the bar,” JC snapped, and I glared at him.

“JC, that was none of your business, and you were rude to Jason.”

“Lance, you don’t even KNOW the guy.”

“So,” was the only response I could come up with.  I turned in my seat, ready for a fight. “And who the FUCK are you to tell me what to do and where to do it and who to do it with?”

“Lance, you don’t understand that scene. It’s not you and maybe it was a mistake to take you there,” JC said with a sigh.

“You were jealous,” I realized, and JC’s hands tightened on the wheel.  “You were jealous because Jason wanted ME and not you. Because I had a hottie all over me and you didn’t.” I smiled in satisfaction. “Maybe all the girls want you, but the guys want ME, and you don’t like it.”

“That’s right, Lance,” JC said with a sigh as we pulled into the driveway.  “I was jealous, all right.”  I got out of the car and wobbled to my own car.  “No way. You can’t drive. Stay here.”

“Get your hands off me.” I shook off his hand, not sure why I was pissed at him. Oh yeah. He was being a prick.  “Go boss around someone else.”

“Lance, it’s late, keep your voice down.”  JC hustled me into the house.  He grabbed a note from the front table.  “Oh. Good.  Joey and Justin are both staying out…they won’t be here for you to wake up.”

“Shut up, JC,” I growled, heading for the first bedroom I saw. Suddenly I was tired. 

“No…Lance…that’s Justin’s room,” JC said with a sigh. “Come down to my room so I can keep an eye on you.”  He lightly shoved me to the second door, which was his bedroom.  I whirled around and slammed him up against the door.

“I don’t need you to keep an eye on me, JC. I’m a grown up, remember? I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah, sure you can,” JC taunted.  “So grownup, so drunk.”

“I’m not…” I closed my eyes as the room spun.  “…drunk.”  My hands clenched his shirt.  “And I just want to sleep, okay?”

I pressed him back against the door, my anger slowly fading. His eyes were wide, and I could feel his chest heaving as he took shallow breaths.  I also felt something else.  “Yeah…Lance…you should sleep,” JC said. He actually sounded nervous.

“JC, what…” I looked down as I took a step away from him. His erection was quite obvious through his dress pants.  I looked back up at him as he blushed.  “You WERE jealous.”

“But not of you…I was jealous of him…you were all over him and I wanted you all over me,” he said before he thought. His blue eyes widened.  “I mean…I…”

I advanced on him once more, the alcohol making me bold.  I might never have these kind of guts again.  I slowly and carefully pressed him against the door. “Do you like aggressive men, Josh?” I drew his name out slowly.  “Does an angry drunk me turn you on?”

“I don’t like you drunk, no,” he replied. I slid my hand down his chest to his midsection.  Fuck, but he was hard.  I gasped as I felt him.  I cupped his chin in my hands and kissed him, hard.  He moaned and kissed me back, then pulled away.  “Lance, no. You’re drunk.  You don’t know…”

“I know perfectly well what I’m doing.” I grabbed his outer shirt and yanked it from his body, running my hands over the tight wifebeater.  “I’m not that drunk. I know what I want…and I wanted it all night…when I kissed Jason, it was you, JC.”

“Oh, God…” JC moaned as I pulled at the wifebeater.  “Lance…I never…I swear to GOD I wasn’t thinking of this tonight. I thought we could just go out…that you would understand…”

“I DO understand, JC…I understand better than anyone.”  I had his pants unbuckled in an instant, and I grew hard as a rock when I saw he was totally naked beneath them.  His long cock was smooth in my hand, and I moaned as I slid him into my mouth.

“Lance…fuck yes…” JC hissed, placing his hands on my head.  I couldn’t get enough of him.  I sucked him hard and fast, treating him more harshly than I had ever treated Chris, and I liked JC a helluva lot better.  “Lance, please…” JC begged, lightly tugging on my hair.  I stood once more and he kissed me. I bit down on his bottom lip and he moaned again. His fingers nimbly unbuttoned my shirt, and he sighed as our chests rubbed together. 

We fell to the bed, and I sucked and bit as his nipples until he was moaning my name.  “Damn…Josh…I…” I couldn’t put my feelings into words.  My previous anger had turned into something else, something that was totally out of control.  JC shoved down my pants and boxers. 

“Lance…fuck me…please…I want it so bad…” JC panted, and I froze.  No one had ever said those words to me, and I didn’t know how to react.  JC writhed under me, his cock hard and dripping. “Please…I need you…” he begged, and the rush returned.  I kissed him hard, rubbing our cocks together  “In…the drawer…” he panted, pointing to the nightstand.  “In there…”

I leaned over and opened the drawer. Inside was a bottle of lubricant and a box of condoms. I took a condom and the bottle.  I looked at both hesitantly. For a brief second I was nervous.  JC grabbed the condom and tore it open. He sheathed me and I could hardly breathe.  He got me good and wet, stroking until I was panting.  “JC…I’ve never…”

“Just get me ready…do what feels good for you…” JC said, his eyes begging me to touch him.  I bent down to kiss and suck him some more until he was squirming. I squirted lubricant onto my hands and slowly slid a finger down from his balls. I teased the tight opening before sliding the finger in. He arched off the bed, moaning.

“Holy…fuck…” I whispered. He was so tight.  This was all so new, so amazing.  I moved the finger in and out until he begged for more.  I added another one, then another one.  JC was soon running his hand lightly up and down his cock. 

“Now…Lance…” JC bent his legs, arching his backside up off the bed. I knelt between his legs and he bent his body so I would have access. “Just take it…slow…oh…yes…” He whimpered as I took my cock in hand and tried to work my way inside.  “Yes…like that…” I felt him press against me, then suddenly I was in. Holy fuck was I in.  In a place that was hot and tight and forbidden and wonderful.

“Josh…oh, Josh…” I could hardly breathe. I wanted to move but didn’t want to hurt him. 

“Go ahead…please…Lance…” The wheedling tone in JC’s voice was all it took to bring that rush of passion back through me. I grabbed hold of his hips, slamming myself into him.  “Yes…Lance…like that…hard…fuck ME!”  JC screamed, and I complied.  The tightness seemed to pull everything out of me, and I felt myself get close very fast.

“JC…I’m…I’m gonna cum…” I warned him, closing my eyes.  JC’s hand was already on his own cock, pulling and tugging.

“Go ahead…go…ahhh…” JC yelled, and I felt his sticky cum hit my chest.  I growled as I pushed inside of him once more, feeling my own cum fill the condom. I opened my eyes and looked down at him.  His eyes were closed and his face was flushed.  I slowly slid out and threw the condom away. I sat on the edge of the bed uncertainly.

“JC, I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Why?”  JC sat up and put a hand on my back.

“I don’t…that was…it…”

“It wasn’t good?”

I turned to look at him. His blue eyes were huge and I smiled.  “Shit, JC, it was incredible.  I just…I don’t know.” I decided to be honest.  “I’ve fooled around with a couple guys, but it’s never meant more…and I think I want more.”

“Maybe we could be more,” JC suggested, but the look in his eyes was unsure.

“We are very different, JC, even though parts of us are the same,” I said.  “I will never regret this…but I need to think about it, okay?”

He nodded.  “I see what you mean.”

“I’m gonna shower…and then I think I’ll just crash on the sofa, okay?”

He nodded again. “Don’t be mad, Lance.”

“I’m not mad.  This was totally mutual…and incredible,” I replied with a smile.  “We’ll talk tomorrow after we’ve slept, okay?”  I tousled his dark hair, amazed at how mature I felt.  It was weird.  With Joey and Chris I always felt childish, at a loss, but with JC I finally felt like I knew what it was I wanted. 

“Lost”

 

JC and I talked for a long time the next morning.  We talked and thought out loud and eventually ended up kissing, but in the end we realized that it was only the kissing that pulled us together.  We had a newfound respect for each other regarding our careers; we knew that what we wanted wasn’t just the performing.  No one else would probably understand that.  And it was nice for me to know that there was someone else that felt the way I did.  Who knew…maybe some night when we were both drunk and lonely, something might happen.  But I finally said no to the question in JC’s unhappy blue eyes. I cared about him as a friend, and now I knew he would always be a close friend, but I didn’t think I could fall in love with him.  He had given me something special, a new outlook on myself, but he wasn’t the one for me.  I didn’t know if I’d ever find that person, but I didn’t want to start a relationship with JC just to say I was with him.

 

You know it should be easy for a man who’s strong to say he’s sorry or admit when he’s wrong.  I’ve never lost anything I’ve ever missed…but I’ve never been in love like this…

 

“I didn’t love him,” I told Veronica in a shaky voice.  “I hardly even knew him, ya know? I wasn’t ready for what happened.”

“I’m sure you weren’t,” she said sympathetically, putting a hand on my knee.  She slowly took the glass from my hand and pushed it away.  “I’d like coffee.  How about you?”

“Whatever,” I said with a sigh.  “I mean, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t mean it!  And now…I have no one,” I said, my voice choking with a sob.

“Shh…James…it’s okay…” she said softly.  I liked the feeling of her hand on my leg, and I liked how comfortable I felt. I didn’t know if it was the booze or her closeness or what, but I began to talk.  Fast and quiet.

 

“Okay, your turn, Jayce,” Joey said to JC.  “Pick a question and a person.”

We were on the bus to somewhere, playing a silly game Joey had come up with. We were asking “get to know you questions,” though we all knew each other better than I thought possible.  “Justin,” JC said, turning the blue gaze onto the youngest member of our group.  “What’s your biggest dream right now?”

“Biggest dream?”  Justin lazily stretched.  He was seated on the floor, Joey lying next to him.  Chris occupied one sofa, while JC and I lay across another one, with our heads each at an end.  “Um…my perfect dream right now would be to get off this bus at the hotel and have no one be there.  No one knows me and no one cares who I am.”

We all nodded in agreement.  “Part two,” JC added.  “What’s your biggest nightmare?”

“Nightmare?”  Justin’s smile flashed out, revealing gorgeous white teeth.  “Getting off this bus at the hotel and having no one there.”

Joey laughed and hit Justin’s arm.  “Good one.”

“I like this question.”  JC turned to me.  “Lance?  Answer it.”

“Not your turn to ask,” Chris said quickly, noticing the sad look on my face.

“Um…no.  I’ll answer it,” I said, smiling at Chris.  “Um, biggest dream?  To be an awesome manager someday.”

“I’m sure you’ll find that,” JC said loyally, and I squeezed his foot. 

“Biggest nightmare?”  I knew that one immediately.  “Being alone forever. Not having someone.”

“Aw, come on, Lancey. You have us,” Joey said, throwing one of his socks at me.  I made a face and tossed it back.

“That’s not what I mean.  I mean, someone like Chris has in Dani,” I said, looking at Chris.  Chris actually blushed.

“Yes, let’s discuss that.”  Joey turned around and started picking on Chris, asking all kinds of naughty questions.

“How much longer till the hotel?” I asked JC. I knew full well, but I felt like asking him.

“About twenty minutes,” he replied.  I stood and stretched. 

“I’m gonna go lay down. Not feeling so good,” I said, sighing.  He looked concerned. 

“You okay?”

“My GOD, JC, let the boy breathe, for Christ’s sake,” Joey snapped, interrupting his fight with Chris.  Everyone knew that JC and I had become pretty much best friends, but Joey thought JC smothered me. Actually, he did, but I didn’t mind. It was nice to know he cared.  Joey and Chris were best buds, and Justin, well, he seemed to keep his distance but be everyone’s friend all at once.  He still intimidated me, and I didn’t know him as well as I knew the others.

“I’m fine, JC, thanks.” I kicked Joey’s leg as I went by him.  I rubbed my temples as I climbed into my bunk. I could feel a migraine coming on, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. We actually had the first evening free when we hit whatever town we were going to, and I had hoped to go out with the others.

 

“Okay, ready to run?” One of our bodyguards yelled as I felt the bus slow down.  I yawned and got up from my bed.  The bus swam and I groaned.  Damn migraines anyway.

“Can’t we just stay on the bus?”  JC whined.  I smiled.  He hated fighting the crowds, though once he got off the bus he was the picture of a grateful popstar.

“No, Chasez,” the bodyguard snapped, and I knew it was Joey’s man.  He called us all by our last names, except for Joey. He called him Meathead.  “Meathead, get your shoes on…damn babies.”

I wandered out and found my own sneakers.  “Wanna make a dash for it together?”  Justin asked me, peering out at the crowd.  “Maybe they won’t notice us.”

“Won’t notice who?” I teased. “You’re the heartthrob.”

“Yeah, well, I see a helluva lot of Lance signs out there,” he said, poking me.

“Yeah,” I answered, sighing. And they were all held by screaming teenage girls.

“C’mon, Lance.  I’ll race ya!” Justin said, tugging at my windbreaker.

“Justin, I don’t feel well,” I sighed, but I followed him.  I wasn’t good at saying no to anyone.  He linked my arm through his.

“I’ll take care of you, Lancey,” he promised, and grinned that grin. I couldn’t help but smile back.  Damn but he was adorable.  “Let’s go!”  He screamed.  Joey, Chris and JC were still getting ready as Justin threw the lever that opened the door of the bus.  The screams were deafening.  “Let’s run around back,” Justin said in a low voice.  “They’ll follow us and the other guys can get through.”

“Okay,” I said, always willing to be the sacrificial lamb.  Justin dragged me down the steps and we ran out of the bus, smiling and waving.  The fans hardly knew what to do when we took off around the side of the building.

Justin was in better shape and also not suffering from a headache, so he quickly pulled out ahead of me.  He waited by the employee’s entrance, holding the door for me.  “C’mon,” he said breathlessly.  “I bet there’s a freight elevator here.”

“Down there,” I panted, pointing to the arrow under the elevator sign.  We hurried down the corridor, slipping into the elevator just as a fan rounded the corner.

“Excellent!”  Justin said, slapping me on the shoulder.  I slid to the floor, trying to catch my breath. I held my head in my hands.  A thought suddenly hit me.

“Justin, we don’t have room keys.  We don’t even know what FLOOR we’re on.”

“Oh, well,” he said cheerfully. “We’ll find JC.  He’ll know.”

The comparison between the ex-Mouseketeers amazed me.  JC was so intense and serious.  Everything had to be planned.  Justin was spontaneous and goofy and all about fun.  “But Justin, I need…” A large metallic groan interrupted me, and we gasped as one as the lights went out and the elevator shuddered to a stop.

 

 

A dim emergency light flickered on above our heads, and I knew my eyes were as wide as Justin’s.  “Holy shit,” I whispered.

“HEY!”  Justin screamed, banging on the elevator doors.  “Let us out of here, dammit!”

I opened the door with the little phone symbol on the front, but the emergency phone was dead.  “Justin.  JUSTIN.”  I placed my hands on his shoulders.  “Please stop that. I have a killer headache.”

“Sorry.”  Justin was instantly contrite.  I fell back to the floor, leaning my head back against the wall of the elevator.  “God…Lance…I’m so sorry.  No one knows we’re back here, and it’s all my fault.”

“It’s okay, Justin,” I sighed. “Look at it this way…if we’d have gone with the others, there would be like eight of us on one elevator…and we’d be stuck with Chris.”

“Oh, GOD.”  Justin rolled his eyes dramatically and we smiled at each other.  “You really have a headache?” I nodded.  “Sorry, man.”  He pulled off his sweatshirt and balled it up. “Here…use this as a pillow.” 

“Thanks,” I said gratefully, stretching out as best I could.  I balled up the sweatshirt a few times, and finally he grabbed it.

“C’mere.”  He rolled the sweatshirt up and laid it on his thigh.  “Lay here.”

I sighed with relief as I placed my head on the cushion of Justin’s sweatshirt and leg. I could smell his cologne, and I decided I liked it.  “Thank you,” I whispered.

“No problem.” He tapped his fingers on his other leg.  “Are you really so lonely, Lance?” Justin asked suddenly, and I was surprised.

“Sometimes.  Joey always has a girl, and Chris has Dani…you’re never alone.”

“Never alone but never really with someone,” he corrected. “You know?”

“Yeah, I know,” I said. I could have easily hooked up with any number of people but I didn’t. I wasn’t looking for empty.

“When’s the last time someone hit on you in a club?” Justin asked, and I smiled in the almost darkness.  That would have been Jason.

“A little while ago.”

“Did they know who you were?”

“No,” I said honestly, because we weren’t big then.

“Man, I’d love that,” Justin said with a sigh. “I just feel so lost in the swarm of people sometimes, you know?  And when someone singles me out…it’s because of who I am on the OUTSIDE, not who I really am, you know?”

“I do,” I whispered. Sure, I didn’t get the attention did, but I knew what he meant.  “And you want someone who can just love you for you…every single part.”

“Yeah,” Justin said, and I could hear his smile.  “Lance, I can’t believe you don’t have a girlfriend. You’re a great guy…and I bet SOMEONE out there thinks you’re hot.”

“Gee, Justin, thanks,” I said wryly, and he laughed.  “Well…it’s not as easy as it sounds…” I hedged, and he ruffled my hair.

“I’ll help you find someone,” he promised.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” I said gently. “What I’m looking for I really don’t think you’d be able to help me with.”

“Okay,” he said slowly.  “Lance, have you ever even HAD a girlfriend?”  I slowly shook my head.  “Have you ever had sex?” I paused, then nodded slowly.  “Well, that’s good. Sex is amazing.”

“That it is,” I said with a sigh, remembering JC.  In my mind, he was the only one I had ever truly had sex with.

“I like it…but it’s empty lately…I can’t find what I’m looking for.”

“And you’ve tried different types of people out, to see what you want, but recently you’ve finally been able to pinpoint it?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Justin replied, amazement in his voice.  “Man, Lance, it’s like you know what I’m thinking before I do.”

“Let’s just say I’ve been there done that,” I replied.  He squeezed my shoulder.

“I’m glad I’m stuck in an elevator with you, Lance,” Justin said softly.

“Me too,” I said, and I meant it.  “Hey, Justin?”

“Hmm?”  Justin had leaned his head back to rest on the elevator wall.

“How did it feel to be on TV?”  This question had plagued me for years now and I had never felt comfortable asking it. “I mean, you and JC…you were TV stars!”

“Not in the true sense of the word,” he pointed out. “I mean, ninety percent of America never could have picked me out of a lineup just because I was on TV.”  He sighed.  “But it was kinda nice…getting treated that way as a kid.  And I made some good friends, like JC.”

“And Christina and Britney,” I teased.  I could feel him roll his eyes.

“Puhleeze.” He shifted his weight slightly.  “It was good practice for this, though. I was already used to being on stage and performing in front of people.”

“You were lucky,” I told him.

“It was hard for you at first, wasn’t it?”  Justin asked me, and I nodded.

“Yeah.  I mean, it was hard for me to be away from home, and then you guys all knew each other already,  and Chris hated me and…”

“Chris didn’t hate you,” Justin interrupted.

“Chris didn’t like me much,” I told him, “But we’ve dealt with that.”

“You’ve really adapted, though, Lance. It’s impressive,” he said, and I was shocked.

“You think so?”

“Sure.  You have always been different, but instead of dealing on what your weaknesses were, you’ve really built up your strengths.”

“Thanks, Justin,” I said.  Just then the lights flickered on, and we smiled at each other.

“Thank GOD,” Justin exclaimed.  A voice came through the intercom. 

“Anyone in there? If you are, pick up the phone.”

I sat up quickly and Justin grabbed the phone.  “Yeah, we’re here.  Two of us…from NSYNC.”  An excited squawk sounded through the phone and we groaned as one.  He covered the mouthpiece.  “Are you sure we can’t just stay in here?”  Justin asked me.  I laughed and shook my head.  “Yes…Lance Bass and Justin Timberlake.  Don’t worry, we won’t be going anywhere.” He hung up. “She said they plan to have the elevators online in the next twenty minutes.”

“Great.”  I handed him his sweatshirt and he pulled it back on.  “What about you, Justin?  Is there a girlfriend you’re hiding from us?”

Justin smiled his million dollar smile. “Nah.  You’d know about it.  I’m on the lookout for the someone who loves me for me, remember?”

“I’m sure you’ll find her soon,” I said loyally.  “There is a lot to love.”

“Thanks, man,” he said, clapping me on the back. I buried my head in my arms and sighed.  Justin was a beautiful specimen and it would be easy to fall in love with him. This was the first time I had really gotten to talk to him seriously, one on one, in all the years we had known each other. He was funny and intelligent and very talented, and there was still the little boy in him that made me smile.  But I knew it would never happen, and resigned myself to it.

“Found”

“C’mon…Lance…lemme go along with you,” Justin whined.  We were in Los Angeles, and it was a Saturday night after the show.  “I don’t feel like going to those other places.”

“Justin, no,” I said, sighing. I felt like I was dealing with an eight-year-old.  I didn’t feel like going to those “other places” either, and I was planning on hitting a gay bar I had just heard about.  JC was actually going out with Joey and Chris, so I was on my own.  Justin’s rosebud lips turned into a pout and I had to look away.  Pouting Justin was too damn cute.

“Why not?  Doesn’t your secret bar have a wristband thing?” He taunted, and I frowned. He acted like a spoiled brat at times and I wanted to smack him.  Ever since I had said I was going out to a new place I didn’t want to name, he had been teasing me constantly.

“Yes, it probably does, but I’m not sure. I don’t want you to run all the way across town for nothing,” I said, making it sound as if I was doing him a favor.  “Why don’t you go out on your own? I bet you won’t be alone for long.”

“I don’t wanna do that. I wanna be with you, Lance,” he sulked.  “You make me look good.”

“Oh, wow. Thanks,” I said wryly, and he looked apologetic.

“I didn’t mean it like that…I mean…I feel better with you.”  He smiled at me and my heart wilted an inch.  “We’re almost the same age, and I just have a better time with you.”

I clapped him on the back as I went to my closet.  “Thanks, Justin. I enjoy spending time with you, too, but tonight I want to go out on my own, okay?  Next city, I promise.”

“You’re an asshole,” he sulked yet again, flopping onto my bed. I smiled as I pulled out my new outfit, a pair of black jeans with small silver studs along the seams and a red shirt with a faux black leather vest on the front but not the back.  Justin raised an eyebrow.  “Something new?”

“What…do you have my wardrobe memorized or something?” I asked with a grin.  We were into totally different styles by now, but he still tried to weasel his way into my clothes on occasion.

“Nah…that’s just not like you, that’s all. Dressed to impress, are we?”

“Um, not really,” I fibbed, buttoning the fly of the jeans.  I checked out my reflection, running my hands through my hair to get it to stand up.

“Wanna borrow my cologne?”  Justin asked, standing up.  He started for the door. “It’ll bring you luck.”

“Justin, no…” but he was already out the door to his room across the hall.  I groaned.  Justin’s cologne drove me crazy in ways no cologne should. I didn’t know what it was, but anytime I smelled it on him I got horny as hell.  But maybe it would help.  Maybe I could find someone for a senseless fuck and I’d feel better.  Even as I thought about it, I knew it wouldn’t help.  I had never done that, bring someone home from a bar, and I wasn’t really ready to start.  “Here you go.”  He popped back into the room and I held out my hand.  “Nope.  Do this.  Just walk into it, okay?”  He sprayed the air and I danced through the mist, making him laugh. “There ya go.  Not too much…just enough to bring someone closer.”

“Is that your secret?” I teased, and his face fell.

“It brings them closer, but not as close as I want.”

“Justin, I…”

“Never mind.  Have a great time, Lance…good luck.” He was out of my suite before I could say anything more.

 

I DID have a good time, but I couldn’t get Justin out of my mind. He had looked so sad when I left, and it wasn’t just because I wanted to go out on my own.  I hated seeing anyone I cared about so down, and he was fast becoming a good friend.  I tried to get him out of my mind as I scouted the club. I was surprised to see a few familiar faces, and they smiled at me without talking. It was understood in the gay celebrity community that if you didn’t know immediately through the press who was homosexual, they more than likely wanted it kept under wraps, so you were polite and that was it.

My new bodyguard, Angelo, was amazingly able to fit into the gay bar scene.  He was large but not obese, and he was a handsome Latino man with dark eyes and a quick smile, but even quicker fists if necessary.  We had hit it off instantly, and I was grateful that management had chosen him to replace my original bodyguard, who had been forced to quit because of family illness.  He was not gay, but accepted my lifestyle.  He knew that JC was gay as well, and he handled it even better than JC’s bodyguard, who had been with us since day one.  Angelo lurked in a corner as I let a drop-dead gorgeous Greek model buy me beers. 

At around one in the morning, I saw Angelo wave in my direction then point to his phone. I nodded, knowing he was going outside to answer his phone.  He was inside in seconds, by my side in minutes. “Excuse me, Lance?”  He said politely, and the model looked annoyed. “Um…something’s come up and I think we should get back.”

“Who is he?” The model asked.  I sighed.

“My driver.” It was the previously agreed upon lie.  No one not in the know needed to hear anything about bodyguards.  “I guess I have to go.”

“You have my number, yes?”  The accent was thick and it melted me like butter. Ever since the Jason incident I had accepted numbers and very rarely gave them out. I was picky, and it showed.  JC was the last person I had ever been with sexually.

“Yes, I do. Good night.” I followed Angelo out of the club and into our rented car.  “What’s going on?”

“That was Xavier.”  Justin’s bodyguard.

“What’s going on?  Did Justin get himself into trouble?” I asked with a laugh.  Angelo didn’t smile back.  “What?”

“You’ll see.  Xavier said that he’s asking for you.”

“Holy fuck,” I whispered, wondering what the hell was happening.

One of the hotel’s security staff was pacing in front of the back entrance we were using. “Thank God,” he said when he saw Angelo.  “Xavier won’t leave him.”

I prayed as we entered the elevator.  “How much did he have?”  Angelo asked.

“I dunno. He didn’t drink here.  Underage and all…my guess is he found a bar somewhere that WOULD serve him, or got someone to buy him stuff for the room. He IS who he is, after all.”

“That’s all?  He’s drunk?” I asked, relieved.

“Lance, he fucking threatened to jump off his balcony if you didn’t come back and take him out,” Angelo finally said, and I swallowed deeply.  The doors opened and we ran onto our secure floor.  Xavier was pounding on Justin’s door.  He stopped when he saw us. 

“Justin, baby, Lance is here.”

“Bullshit!”  I heard a happy voice yell from inside.  “You said that before.”

“Justin, it’s me…Jay…it’s Lansten…” I called.  I heard glass break and something fall against the door.  It opened a crack.

“HEY!”  Justin screamed, grabbing me and dragging me inside.

“I’ll be fine,” I said over my shoulder as the door closed.  “Justin, what’s going on?”

“Lance!”  He said happily, throwing his arms around me. I had been drinking myself, but the amount of alcohol on Justin’s breath was enough to turn my stomach.

“Hey, Justin.” I patted his back. “Let’s sit down…how about in the bedroom.”

“Okay…wait…I left something…” he stumbled out to the balcony and I hurried after him. He picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and I shivered.  The security guy had been right.

“Hey, Justin, can I have some of that?”  I asked, holding out my hand.

“Sure…be careful, though. I already dropped one!”  He giggled and pointed to the balcony floor.  Glass was everywhere.

“God, Justin!” I gasped.  He was not wearing shoes and it was a miracle he hadn’t been cut.  He handed me the bottle and I pretended to drink from it. “Where’d you get this?”

“Some guy. I gave him a hundred bucks to buy it for me.”  He sat on the balcony railing. “It’s so pretty out here.”

“Justin…let’s get inside.”  I remembered what Angelo had said about Justin threatening to jump. “I’m cold…and I want to hear about your night.”

“Some fucking night, thanks to you,” he snapped, and wobbled back inside. I had never seen Justin this drunk, and it scared me.  I sat the bottle on the kitchen counter and followed him in.  He flopped onto the bed.  “I was all alone…and I tried to go out…but…” he struggled to remember. “Everyone kept BOTHERING me…and I hated it…so I got some booze…I figured, YOU were probably drinking, and JC and Chris and Joey…so I could drink just like you!”

“Oh, Justin,” I whispered, feeling a hundred years old.  “Were you that depressed?”

“Yes,” he said, and for a moment he seemed totally sober.  “I missed you…missed being with someone nice…who liked ME.”

“Lots of people like you,” I told him, and he violently shook his head.

“Nope. Not me. Don’t know me, don’t like me.”  He shut his eyes.  “So tired…”

“Let’s get you undressed.” I pulled him to his feet and began to tug at his shirt.  He shrugged out of it and sat back down on the bed.  I untied his shoes as he fought with his zipper.

“Lance…stay here…please…” he whispered.  “I’m so tired…so lonely…”

“Sure, Justin, whatever you want. I’ll just crash out on the…”

“No. Here.”  His eyes were so sad. “I don’t want to be alone.”

We had all crashed together at one time or another, but something else was in his eyes.  It was more than loneliness…it was more like exhaustion.  “Justin…”

“I have nightmares…” he confessed. “Sometimes drinking helps…tonight I don’t know…please…” he begged.

“Sure, Justin. I’ll stay here.”  I smiled at him.  “Can I wear a pair of your sweats or something?”

“Sure…in there…” he waved towards his suitcases.  I made sure he was comfortably tucked into bed before undressing.  “I liked the pants,” a small voice from the bed said. “Really.  Looked VERY good on you…”

“Thank you, Justin Fashion Police,” I teased, and he giggled.  I swam in his sweatpants (Justin liked baggy clothes) but they were more comfortable than what I had been wearing. I neatly folded my clothes and placed them on a chair, then crawled into bed.  Justin’s body already had the bed warm and toasty.  I felt a clumsy hand reach up and slap at my face. 

“Thank you…Lance…for liking me anyway…”

“You’re welcome.  Sleep now, Justin…really…you’re gonna have one helluva headache in a few hours when we need to leave.”

“Okay,” he said obediently, and it wasn’t long before I heard his light snoring. I lay awake for about an hour after that, thinking about the young man laying next to me.  He was so sad and lonely, yet everyone thought he had everything he wanted.  And I understood. I wanted someone to love me for me, to give me all the affection I was so ready to give someone else.  Justin moaned in his sleep, rolling over to snuggle up next to me.

I froze. I knew it was an innocent move, yet it sent sparks through my body.  Justin’s body was strong and smooth and warm, and it fit next to me so easily.  I actually did try to move away, but he scooted closer, throwing an arm around my waist.  “Shit, Justin,” I whispered, feeling my dick harden. How easy it would be to wake him up, take advantage of that sweet intoxication that was taking over Justin’s senses…but I refused. I wouldn’t do it…no matter how horny I was or how delicious he felt pressed against me.  Lights from a billboard across the street flickered into the room, and I could just make out the outline of Justin’s face.  Against my better judgment, I reached up to lightly trace his jawline.  His skin was so soft, even when he TRIED he couldn’t really grow much facial hair.  My finger traced his lips, and he moaned, flicking his tongue out to lick them. When his tongue touched my finger I barely bit back a whimper.  I had to try…just one time…see what they were like…I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his pliant ones.  He sighed and pushed back into the kiss, shocking me into immobility.  I finally pulled back and he rolled over with his back to me.  I lay awake for ANOTHER hour, fighting the physical longing that flew through my body. At around three-thirty, I finally fell asleep.

 

Justin said nothing about that night, and I didn’t bring it up to him.  If Angelo and Xavier said anything to the other bodyguards, the other guys never mentioned it to us.  Justin seemed to be in a good enough mood, but if you looked into his blue eyes, they still looked sad at times.

When we were overnight in the next city, I didn’t go out. I had a cold that was slowly turning into the flu, and all I wanted to do was stay in and watch TV.  The others went out, calling well wishes over their shoulders.  I was half dozing and half watching “Dirty Dancing” when a knock startled me.  I moaned, threw on a pair of boxers, and wandered out to the door.  “Justin?” I said, surprised. I opened the door.

“Hey. I brought you some tea and soup.” He held up a carryout container.

“Justin, it’s almost midnight. You’re supposed to be out getting your groove on,” I exclaimed, touched by his thoughtfulness.

“My groove and I don’t feel like getting anything on,” he announced, waltzing past me. He went to the kitchenette and dug out a mug and a bowl.  “Why? You faking the whole sick thing just to get YOUR groove on?”

I blushed.  “Nah…I really am sick.”  I inhaled as best I could through my stuffy nose.  “If I could smell, I bet that smells good.”

“Chicken rice soup,” he informed me.  “Where you set up at?”

“Bedroom,” I said.  He poured himself a soda.  “Mind if I veg with you for a bit?”

“No, of course not…just stay back…don’t want you feeling this bad, too.”  He grabbed a small tray from the cabinets under the sink and loaded it up. 

“I don’t get sick,” he said, and it was true. Even after that night of Jack Daniels, he had barely been hung over.  “Let’s go.”

We went into the bedroom and I climbed back under the covers.  He plumped up the pillows, got me settled, then handed me the tray.  “Thanks, Justin,” I said gratefully.

“No prob.  That’s what friends are for.”  He turned to the TV.  “Is this Dirty Dancing?”

“Yeah,” I said, embarrassed.

“Cool. I LOVE this movie.  I would give ANYTHING to be able to look and move like Patrick Swayze.” 

I refrained from saying he moved pretty damn well as Justin Timberlake.  He stretched out with his head at the foot of the bed, and my eyes wandered down his long body. He wore a white dress shirt over a white wifebeater, and baggy black pants.  I could smell the killer cologne.  “Why didn’t you stay out?”  I asked between slurps of soup.

He shrugged. “Bored. I went out with Joey and Chris, and Chris was into drinking because of that fight with Dani, and Joey was into some slutty looking girl.  JC went somewhere on his own.”

I knew exactly where JC had gone. He had been secretly seeing a fairly well-known actor, and he had told me earlier that the actor had flown into town for the night, and JC was spending the evening at his hotel.  “Sorry…sounds like a bad night.  I’m not much better company, though.”

“Sure you are.” Justin turned around to smile at me.  “You’re not drunk and you’re not horny as hell.”

If you only knew, I thought, bending back over my soup.

 

By the next week I was over my bug and ready to go out and have fun. I was dressing in my suite when JC knocked on my door. “Hey…ready to go?” He asked.

“Come on in…I just need to find my shoes.” I dug through my suitcase.

“You look good…” JC observed, taking in my jeans and black tshirt. We had been to this bar before, and we knew that the atmosphere was casual. He wore a pair of blue jeans and a wildly striped blue and green shirt, which for JC was as casual as it got lately.

“Thanks. You too.”  I was tying my shoes when someone else knocked. JC answered it.

“Hey…JC…” Justin breezed in.  “Okay…where are we going?”  He looked at me. JC looked at me. I looked at Justin.

“Huh?”

“You promised me…you told me that the next time you went out you’d take me with you…here I am…” Justin flopped onto my bed and smiled up at me.  I was shocked into silence.  He looked at JC.  “You going too?”

“Well…I…” JC stammered.

“I know.  Joey and Chris can be really embarrassing sometimes.”  Justin’s eyes flicked back over to me.  “I remember clearly, Lance. You said you’d take me along in the next city. You promised.”

I felt faint, wondering exactly what all Justin remembered from that night. “Look, Justin…”

“Lance, I don’t want to go out alone…and I don’t want to stay here.”  Justin’s brow furrowed stubbornly.  I exchanged glances with JC and sat down on the bed.

“Justin, look…there’s something I have to tell you.” I heard JC inhale deeply.  “I don’t think you’ll want to go to the bar I’m going to.  Actually, JC is just going to keep me company…”

“Why won’t I like it? Is the music good? Are there gonna be hotties there?”

“You could say that,” I heard JC say under his breath and I glared at him.  I took a deep breath.

“Justin, you and I have become really close, so I’m gonna be brutally honest with you.” I met his gaze and didn’t look away. “I’m going to a gay bar. That’s the kind of bar I go to.”

“A gay bar?  But you…” Justin’s perfect lips formed an O.  “You mean…”

“Yes, I’m gay.”  The words sounded strangely comforting. “I’m gay, and JC knows and Angelo knows and now you know.  I’ve never said it to Joey and Chris.”  That was true.  Those exact words had never been said.

“How long…”

“Forever,” I said.  “And it’s just how it is.”

“Okay.” Justin studied me for a long moment. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No,” I replied, surprised by the question.  “I haven’t been that lucky.”

“I see.” Justin nodded absentmindedly.  “Can I go dressed like this?” I looked at his baggy jeans and Tommy Hilfiger dress shirt.

“Yes, that would be fine,” I said, unable to keep from smiling. I couldn’t believe how well he was handling this.  He scratched his head and looked at me.

“Maybe I shoulda seen this coming, but it’s still kinda surprising,” he said, then smiled at me.  “NOW I see why you never had sex with a girl.”  I didn’t say anything, just finished tying my shoes.  “How about you?” Justin said to JC, and I froze once more. I wasn’t going to say anything; it was JC’s secret, not mine.

“Me too,” JC answered, his blue eyes never leaving Justin’s face.

“Whoa,” Justin whispered.  “You gotta man?”

“Um, kinda,” JC said, blushing in the way he did when talking about his boyfriend.

“Do I know him?”

“Maybe…and I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s go.”  JC headed into the hallway. 

“Aw, come on, Josh, tell me,” Justin whined, and I laughed. Some things never changed.

 

I kept a close eye on Justin at the bar, just as JC had kept an eye on me that first night.  This place was tiny and off the beaten path, but someone could still recognize us.  They served Justin without asking questions, and men were quickly scurrying to buy him drinks.  He only drank a few beers, however, and kept most of the men at bay. He certainly knew how to handle himself, I observed, once more feeling one hundred years old.

“Cute, isn’t he,” JC said, walking up to me. He clinked his beer against mine.  “To us…taking away Justin’s Gay Bar Virginity.” I laughed.

“To us.”

A slow song came on and JC took my beer.  “Dance for old time’s sake?”

“Sure, Josh.”  I followed him to the dance floor, and we put our arms around each other, keeping a respectable distance between us.  “I thought he’d freak more.”

“Oh, God, me too.  But Justin is full of surprises.”

“You can say that again,” I replied, glancing over at our friend. Justin was laughing at something a man was saying to him, but he frowned slightly as he watched us.  A few men approached Justin and asked him to dance, but he politely refused.  When the song ended, JC and I wandered back to our beers.  Justin sauntered over.

“Okay…who wants to dance with me?”

JC stared at him and I choked on my beer. “What?”  JC asked.

“Who gets to dance with me? Who’s JUST that lucky?” Justin asked, a cocky smirk on his face.

“You’re not all that, Justin,” JC said, laughing.

“I am too. I am all that and a bag of chips. That dude in the corner just told me so.”  He discreetly pointed with his little finger.  JC and I howled. 

“You want this one?” I asked JC. He shook his head.

“Nah…no chips with me.  He’s all yours.” 

I led Justin to the dance floor. He stood still, slightly confused.  “I don’t…I never…”

“Just put your hands here.” I placed his hands at my neck.  “And I do this…and there you go.”  I put my hands on his slender waist, inhaling his cologne.

“This place isn’t so bad.” Justin’s fingers settled on the back of my neck as he looked around.  “I don’t know…I expected something like…an orgy, or something.”

“I’ve been to places like that,” I said with a grin. “This is more my speed, though.”

“Yes,” Justin said, nodding. “This place is more you.  Casual…comfy…” he smiled at me and moved closer.  I swallowed deeply.  “Do I look like I fit in?”

“Justin, you can’t fit in anywhere,” I said before I thought. He pulled back.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I…I…” I decided to be honest.  “You’re special, Jay.  You just…shine.”

“Shine…I like that.”  His smile shone as well.  “Thank you, Lance.”

I nodded and said nothing. He moved even closer and I felt my hands begin to sweat.  He was a few inches taller than I, and I had to look up at him. “Justin…”

“I remember,” he said softly, and my eyes grew wide.  “I remember that night…in my bed…did you kiss me?”

I debated lying, and decided I should just continue with the truth.  “Yes. I did.”

“Did I like it?”

I couldn’t help but smile.  “I don’t know.  You were sleeping.”

“I bet I did. You look like you kiss good.  Nice lips.” His eyes wandered to my mouth and I silently begged him to stop.

“Stop teasing me, Justin,” I begged him.

“Sorry. I wasn’t trying to.”  The song ended and he stepped back, tilting his head.  “Would you like to kiss me again?”

“Justin…I…”

“Just asking. Not here…not now…but I’d like to see what it’s like…kissing a guy.” I was relieved.  He was looking for a quick experiment.  I could handle that.  He smiled and returned to the bar. I quickly walked back to JC, who was holding my beer.

“What was that about?”

“Don’t ask,” I said quickly, downing the rest of the beer in one gulp.

 

Justin spent the rest of the evening moving between JC and I and the group of admirers he had at the bar.  When we finally left at one-thirty, he had a pocket full of business cards, I was sure.  JC dozed in the back of the taxi.  He separated Justin and I, for which I was grateful.  The dance had unnerved me.

“Yo, Josh. We’re here.” Justin poked JC as I paid the driver.  We got JC up the steps and into his suite. 

“Good night, Justin. Thanks for coming along.” I smiled at Justin and unlocked my door.

“Thanks for letting me. I had a really good time.”  Justin followed me in uninvited.  “I thought it would be different, or gross, or something…but it wasn’t.  Gay people aren’t any different.”

“I’m surprised, Justin. I thought you were more open-minded than that,” I said disapprovingly.

“I AM, but it’s different in a situation like that…I thought a guy coming on to me would be gross…but it wasn’t.” He sat on the sofa and looked at me. “Come here, please, Lance.”  I sighed and sat down next to him. “I didn’t mean to offend you with what I said about gay people being different.”

“You didn’t,” I told him. “And I…” I was silenced by his lips on mine.  Adrenaline flowed through my body and I felt as if my fingers were stuck in a socket.  His lips gently searched mine, concentrating on my top lip, then my bottom one, then his tongue slowly sought entrance.  I let our tongues tickle each other for a moment, then pulled back. “Justin…holy shit…”

“No different at all,” Justin said thoughtfully.  “And you kiss good, Lansten.”

“Look, Justin, I think you should go.  You’re just confused and experimenting and…” I babbled, hating how unnerved I was.  Justin had awakened feelings in me that I had tried hard to suppress. I was no longer into the experimental sex thing. I wanted more.

“I’m not any of that, Lance.” He stood. “But I’ll go.”  He went to the door.  “Tonight made me think about a lot of things…and I think I realized most of all that it doesn’t matter what form love comes in, if it’s honest and sincere.”  He slowly closed the door behind him.

 

 

The next day we had a long bus ride ahead of us.  JC woke up just long enough to get on his bus, then he crawled into his bunk.  I normally rode with him, while Joey and Chris occupied another bus.  Justin floated from bus to bus, sometimes riding with the crew.  This time he made sure he was on our bus, and I groaned inwardly.  JC was already snoring by the time the busses moved away from the hotel.  Justin sat down in front of the TV and picked up a Playstation controller. I was relieved. I grabbed some of my papers for my management company and sat down on a sofa.  I soon gave up on work, however, and stared out the window.  As I often did on trips like this, I watched the world go by, wondering about the people out there. Did they wonder who was on the bus? Did they want to be like us, gallivanting across the country with barely a home to speak of?

“I like when the little kids wave at the bus,” Justin said, plopping down beside me.

“Huh?” I said, startled.

“I like when they wave. You know they have NO clue who’s in here, but they wave anyway. I wish we could wave back.”  Justin tapped the tinted windows.  “Kinda like when I was little, and planes would fly overhead…I knew they couldn’t see me, but I’d jump up and down and yell my head off, waving.”

“Me too.” I smiled at the memory.  Justin put a hand on my knee. 

“You’ve avoided me like the plague all morning, Lance. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“You didn’t scare me,” I snapped, nervously glancing at JC’s bunk. I knew he wouldn’t hear; JC slept like the dead.

“I scared you. You didn’t know what to think.”  Justin gave me a cocky smirk. I grew angry. I didn’t like the way he was making me feel. All of a sudden I felt like I did the very first time I did something with Chris…insecure and nervous.

“I knew exactly what to think. You were looking to add another little notch to your bedpost of experience.  Did you scratch that one in good?”

Justin looked incredibly hurt and I almost regretted my words.  “Is that what you think?”

“Isn’t it the truth?  You said it yourself, you always wanted to know what it was like to kiss a guy…and I helped you achieve that goal.”  I played with the notebook in my lap.

“Yes…but I didn’t want to kiss just any guy.  I wanted to kiss you.”  Justin tilted his head and looked at me for a moment, then he stared out the window.  “You’re the only one who knows what it’s like,” he continued.  “You know what it’s like to have the world, but really only want one tiny thing…and you can’t have it.”

“I’ll never know what it’s like to be you, Justin,” I said finally. “You are treated in a way I never will be.  And I’m fine with that,” I said honestly, smiling shyly.  “I’m not the heartthrob type.”

“Don’t call me that,” Justin snapped, glaring at me. “I hate being known as the heartthrob. I’m just me. My feet smell. I drool on my pillow. I get terrible bedhead in the morning.”

“You drool?”  I asked, unable to hide a grin. He finally grinned back.

“Yeah.  And don’t go telling anyone.”  Justin sighed and grew serious.  “What I meant was…you know what it’s like to try and find someone who sees through all the bullshit and loves you anyway…for you.” His blue eyes were intense as they focused on me.  “You know it all about me, Lance, and you treat me no different.”

“That’s because I’m living the same life as you,” I pointed out.

“Exactly,” Justin said, and I jumped to my feet. My papers scattered everywhere.

“Justin, what the hell are you saying?”

Justin bent down and began to pick up the things I had dropped.  “I want to…I don’t know…try…with you.”

I sat down hard on the floor of the bus, placing my hands over his. “Justin, you don’t just TRY to change your way of thinking, way of believing.  You have been heterosexual all your life. This isn’t some game you can play.  And I definitely don’t want you playing it with me.  You’re lonely, okay. You wanted to kiss a guy, fine.  But I’m not gonna let you play with me.” I felt my eyes fill with tears. “I want something special…something real…something that will last.”

Justin’s eyes grew stormy. “And what’s to say you won’t have that with me?  Lance, look at my life. I’m lonely as hell.  Any girl who warms my bed for a night is ONLY that…a one night stand. I want more, too.  Just like you.  What’s to say we can’t give that to each other?” I opened my mouth and he held up his hand. “Let me finish.  If I were a girl, and you were straight, and I said I wanted to have a relationship with you, would you be giving me this crap?”

“But you’re NOT a girl, Justin, and I’m NOT straight.”  My voice rose and I worked to quiet down, looking at JC’s bunk once more.  “This is some new and exciting thing for you, and I’m just afraid that in a week or a month or six months, you’ll change your mind. And where will that leave me?” I looked at him carefully. “I’ve never had a serious relationship, but I’ve seen others have them.  I don’t know how well I could handle the heartbreak when it didn’t work out.”

“Already you’re saying it won’t work out,” Justin said angrily. “It WON’T work out if you go into it with that attitude.”  His blue eyes implored me. “Lance, you and I mesh well together…that sounds lame…but we do.  Our personalities are different enough that we complement each other.  We’re both dependent and independent in ways that go well together.  And I know you’re attracted to me.” I blushed but he was kind enough not to elaborate.  “Let’s just try to get to know each other.”

“How do you mean?” I asked, not believing I was even considering it.

“Tomorrow night, after the show…let’s go for a late dinner.  Just us…in a nice quiet restaurant…”

“Like a date?” I asked.  I couldn’t believe this was happening.

“Yeah,” Justin said, that sunny smile slowly floating across his face.  “A date.  Would you let me take you on a date, Lance?”

It had been forever since I had heard those words, and they were said with such sweetness and sincerity. “Yes, Justin,” I said, throwing caution to the wind. “I’d like that.”

 

I was glad we started our hacky-sac game earlier than usual, because it took us almost a half hour to get the ball around one time. I kept messing up, and by the end of the half hour even JC was angry with me. They could tell I was distracted, and distraction onstage is a very bad thing.  I just couldn’t get Justin out of my mind.  We were going out on a date…a DATE, for God’s sake.  The others didn’t know, and Justin was very discreet around me.  During sound check, however, he came up to me, threw an arm around my shoulders, turned off his mike, and said, “I can’t wait for tonight, Lance.”  Then he moved on his way, flipping his mike back on and singing as if nothing had happened.

Once onstage, however, I was able to push Justin and dating from my mind, concentrating only on the music.  As I watched him do his beat box solo, though, my mind was definitely distracted once more.  Had anyone ever told him that he had electric hips? And his curls sticking out from under the bandanna…damn cute.  He worked the crowd in a way that the rest of us could never do, and I was really impressed, as I always was when it came to Justin and performing.

 

We zoomed back to the hotel.  Joey and Chris were going out, but JC was staying back.  His man was due to call, and I knew he’d be glued to his cellphone most of the night.  Justin and I went to our separate rooms to shower and change.

I was in just my pants and socks, drying my hair, when JC knocked.  “Hey,” I said, letting him in.

“Hey.” He flopped onto my bed.  “Is it midnight yet?”

I gave him a grin. “Romeo due at midnight?”  JC nodded and I turned to the mirror, trying to get my hair to stand up just right.  I knew Justin liked the spikes; he had commented once that he was insanely jealous of the fact that I didn’t have curls like his…while I was jealous of the curls that bounced with every move.  “I wish I got phone sex as good as yours.”

“How do you know we have phone sex?” JC asked, though he started to blush.

“I’ve roomed next to you long enough, JC, to know when you’re getting off.”  He turned a deep purple and I laughed. “Just kidding. I was just guessing.”

“Fuck you.”  JC threw a pillow at my head.

“No…I fucked YOU,” I reminded him, then sighed.  “How quickly we forget.” Another pillow flew at my head.  We laughed, easy and comfortable in our past.

“You’re taking extra time with your hair…hot date tonight?”  JC asked, and it was my turn to blush.  I pulled a sleeveless red shirt and a black leather coat from the closet.

“Not so hot…well…kinda hot…but a date nonetheless,” I replied.

He started to reply but his phone rang. I arched an eyebrow.  He turned slightly pink.  “Hello.  Hey.”  A smile lit up his face and I rolled my eyes.  He was so funny.  There was a knock at the door, then Justin poked his curly head in.  He started to speak, but his blue eyes ran over my still bare upper half.  He cleared his throat a few times, and then his eyes finally met mine.

“You’re…uh…guess you’re not ready yet.”

“But I will be.  Gimme five minutes.” I looked over at JC, who was staring at me open-mouthed.  “Why don’t you go down and check on the car and I’ll meet you out back?”

“Sounds like a plan. Later, JC.”  Justin ducked back out.

“Hey, sexy, I’ll call you back in five, okay? There’s a crisis here…yeah…miss you, too.”  JC hung up his cellphone and stared at me.  “Um, Lance?  What the FUCK is going on?”

“I told you.” I turned back to the mirror, ignoring his angry eyes.  “I’m going out on a date.”

“With JUSTIN?”  JC almost screamed. He stood up and came over to me.  “Lance, what the hell are you doing?  This is crazy.”

“He asked me out on a date. I said yes.  Is that a crime?”

“No, but it’s wrong and you know it.  He’s not gay.”

“How do we know?” I turned on JC.  “Not every gay man starts out knowing he’s gay FOREVER.”

“Lance…it’s just wrong.  You’re using him.”

I clenched my fist to keep from smacking JC in the head.  “I am NOT using him.  HE asked ME out. This was all his idea.  And who’s to say it couldn’t work out? We’re a lot alike, we get along really well, I enjoy spending time with him.”  I sighed.  “We’re both lonely…who’s to say we can’t find what we’re looking for in each other?” The fact that I was practically quoting Justin’s argument to me made me smile. “He’s not as naïve and stupid as we think, JC.  And I’m going out with him tonight. It’s just dinner. What could happen?”

“Lance…I just…I don’t want to see YOU get hurt when he changes his mind,” JC said with a sigh.  I smiled at him.

“I appreciate that, JC. But if I’m not willing to take chances I’ll NEVER find anyone.” I pulled my shirt on hurriedly and grabbed my jacket.  “Go back to your room.  Call your man.  Forget about me and Justin.”

“It’s not that easy,” JC grumbled, but he grabbed his cellphone and we went out into the hallway. “Just…be careful, okay?”  JC gave me a crooked smile. “And have a nice time.”

 

And I DID have a nice time. An incredible time.  Justin had asked the hotel concierge for a nice restaurant with good food and a secluded atmosphere.  He directed the driver to a small Italian restaurant that held only twelve tables and had the best damn chicken cacciatore I had ever eaten. It was incredible.  It was a restaurant that catered to the after-hours crowd, and it was open until four in the morning. And we stayed until four in the morning.

Justin talked about the Mickey Mouse Club, about growing up in show business, and about his family. I mostly listened, but I talked a little bit about my mom and dad, my sister, my home, and how hard it had been to up and leave for Florida.  He smiled and nodded.  He understood how the Southern family system worked.  His mother was slightly overprotective (I had gotten to know her from when she toured with us) but nothing like mine.  This was the first of many levels that we connected on. 

We traded half our dinners, split a bottle of wine (no questions asked from the waiter) and then divided a huge piece of strawberry cheesecake.  We sat, full and happy, until four, when the waiter politely kicked us out.  We almost fell into the back of the limo.  “I’m so full,” I moaned, closing my eyes.

“We’ll never be able to dance tomorrow. They’ll have to roll us on and off-stage,” Justin murmured, and I laughed.  He looked over at me. “You have the sexiest laugh, Lance.” I blushed.  “No, really. I’d give anything for a voice like yours.”

“Um, thanks,” I said shyly. 

“I saw online that fans say your voice is like an orgasm.”

“What?”  I blushed even darker and he laughed.

“I think they’re right.” We pulled up in front of our hotel and got out of the limo.  He looked at me. “Do you want to go upstairs?” My mouth opened and closed, and it was his turn to blush. “No! Not like that…I mean, are you tired? Do you want to turn in?”

Miraculously, I wasn’t tired, and I didn’t want the evening to end.  “Not really,” I admitted.

“Cool. Let’s walk around back.”  This hotel was on the outskirts of town, and there was a large lawn in back behind the pool. We went through the side gate, using our keycards to get the lock open, and we strolled past the pool.

“It’s beautiful out here,” I sighed, looking up at a sky full of stars. “I miss being places where you can see the whole sky.”

“The tour ends in two weeks,” Justin said suddenly, and I laughed.

“Yes, Justin, I know…what does that have to do with the sky?”

“I have a cabin…back in Tennessee…one of the first things I bought.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said, amazed.

“No one does. It’s my special place…and I would like you to spend the weekend with me there when we get back.”

“Justin…I…”

“There are three bedrooms…they’re small but it’s nice…and there would be no strings attached, if you’ll excuse the pun.”  Justin’s smile flashed. “I want to spend time with you, Lance, away from NSYNC and Timberlake and Bass…I just want to be Justin and Lance…think about it, at least?”

“I will,” I promised.  We sat down on a bench by a tiny fountain and watched the water splash.  I groaned.  “Do you realize that we have to be at breakfast in three hours?”

Justin shrugged.  “So we don’t sleep. Or, better yet, let’s sleep out here.”  He pulled his jacket tighter around his slim body.  “Zip up your coat…it’s chilly,” he ordered me. 

“Justin, we can’t sleep out here.”

“Says who? I don’t see a “No Sleeping” sign,” he pointed out.  His eyes were glued to my face.  “All I see is you,” he whispered.

“Don’t sweet talk me, Justin,” I whispered back, but my voice had absolutely no conviction.

“I’m not…I see stars in the sky…and then I see your eyes…”

“It’s dark,” I told him.

“I know how green they are.  Better than boring old blue eyes like mine.”  He lightly rested a hand on my shoulder.  “Did you like kissing me?”

“Yes,” I admitted.  “It was nice.”

“It WAS.  Kissing you was easy…I didn’t have to prove anything…when I’m with girls I have to prove that everything they think about me is true…but with you I can just be me…” he tilted his head.  “What do YOU think about me?”

“I…uh…” I swallowed deeply as his fingers lightly stroked the side of my throat.  “I think you’re sexy…and I’m so jealous of the way you move.”

“You watch me move?” Justin’s voice was a whisper in the air as he slid closer to me.

“God, Justin, no wonder so many girls fall over you. You are damn good at seduction,” I said, laughing weakly.

“This isn’t seduction. You only seduce the ones you think will say no.” His voice was tender…soft…warm.  “Do you want to say no to me?”

I couldn’t believe how quickly he was taking the upper hand in this relationship.  I was the one who was gay first, dammit, but he was leading me down the path straight to hell…but it was a hell I was yearning for.  “No,” I whispered.

“Good.”  His lips met mine and I sighed with relief.  I gave into the urge and ran my hands up through his curls. He moaned against my mouth.  His tongue met mine, teasing, promising.  I sighed as he sucked on my bottom lip.  Somehow we ended up laying down on the bench, with his long body pressed against mine.  I was embarrassed by the hardness in my pants, but the embarrassment soon fled as I felt him hard against my leg.  “Lance…” he whispered. “I’ve never felt…you drive me crazy…just by kissing me…” he said, bending his head to kiss my ear, my throat.  His tongue dipped into the curve of my collarbone and my body unconsciously jumped up towards him. He pushed his erection against my leg, moaning.  “I want…I don’t know what I want but I want something…and I want it from you…”

“Damn, Justin,” I murmured, sighing as he ran kisses up and down my throat.

“I’m scared as hell, but I’m not at the same time.” He pulled his head back to look at me. “Because I’m with you and I know you’ll make it okay.”

The trusting look in his eyes only made me want him more. I pulled him into one final passionate kiss, then regretfully pulled away. “We can sleep out here if you want, but I think we really shouldn’t be caught making out on a hotel bench.”

Justin laughed.  “THAT would go over well.” He slowly sat up and adjusted himself.  I reached down to my own aching cock, trying to make myself more comfortable.  He stood, reaching his hand down to me. He pulled me up, and gave me a huge hug.  I started to pull away, but he whispered in my ear.  “Let’s do this. Let’s go up to our rooms…and each get in our showers…and take care of what’s hurting us.”

“Justin!” I blushed and he howled with laughter.

“You’re funny, Lance.”  He started back to the hotel, laughing at me over his shoulder.  “You do what you want, Lancey…but just know that’s what I’LL be doing.”

I moaned and hurried after him, knowing that I’d be doing the same damn thing…and that it would be his name on my lips as I came.

 

 

I closed my eyes and dozed as Justin drove.  The sun was warm on my face, the radio played some disco song that Justin was singing along to, and the breeze whipped through my short hair.  I sighed as I lay in my half-awake state.  Justin had rented a car at the airport, and the Car Rental Gods had given us a Mercedes convertible.  The Car Rental Gods had also been helped along by the extra fifty bucks Justin had slipped to the attendant at the desk.  The sun had seemed to burst from the sky as we hopped into the car, and as we drove to Justin’s cabin everything seemed right.

“Do a little dance…make  a little love…get down tonight…” Justin sang softly, his thumbs tapping on the steering wheel.  I opened one eye and glanced at him. He looked over at me and blushed.

“Is that what you have planned?” I asked with a grin. He laughed nervously.

“Well…I don’t know about the dancing…but I could definitely get into getting down…”

I laughed and closed my eyes again.  “So…we gonna stop for food?”

“Um yeah…I wanted to talk to you about that.”  I opened both eyes.  Justin sounded worried.

“What’s up?”

“I…I can’t cook, Lance.  So, unless you wanna starve or eat Chef-Boyardee all weekend, I thought we could grab some stuff and YOU could cook?” 

I laughed at the anxious look on Justin’s face.  “And what do I get out of this deal?”  Justin’s cocky grin made me laugh harder.  “Oh, and that’s worth me slaving over a hot stove?”

“Slaving…what an interesting choice of words…” I slapped Justin and HE began to laugh.  “Nah…I’ll pay for the groceries…how’s that?”

“Fair enough,” I said, letting my head fall back again.

Instead of dozing, however, I thought about JC.  He was the only one who knew we were going away for the weekend. He was also the only one who knew anything was happening between Justin and I.  He still didn’t approve, but he didn’t say anything. He was on his way to Chicago to hook up with his man, who was filming a movie there.  I was eternally grateful for JC; it was so good to have someone who totally understood the way I was feeling about Justin.  Justin was hot and Justin was fun and Justin was caring…but JC had been in a few relationships and knew how worried I was. I wanted this to work.  With every special smile just for me, every secret caress, every goodnight kiss that Justin always managed to give me every night in the hotels, I was falling in love with him.  I could hardly make it to the end of the tour. I could hardly wait for quality time alone with him.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Justin asked, turning off the main highway to a smaller two-lane road.

“JC,” I replied. I felt his frown.

“Jayce?”

“Yeah…wondering how he’s doing…if his plane landed okay,” I said.

“Lance…can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Did you…did you and JC ever have a thing?”

I decided to be brutally honest. “JC and I had one night. It was incredible, he taught me a lot about what I want and don’t want, but it never went further than that.”

“Oh. Okay.”  Justin fiddled with the radio, found a new station, and began to whistle along with Britney Spears.

“Oh, GOD, turn that.” I reached over and snapped the dial.  She was nice enough but all the rumors about her and Justin were enough to make me puke, even BEFORE there was a chance of he and I hooking up.  I found a decent station and looked over at him.  “Are you jealous of JC?”

“Well…you guys are so close, and I didn’t know…”

“Just one night…now we’re friends…I promise.”  I decided to go out on a limb.  “There was never anyone before you.” I said the words honestly.  Chris and Joey were nothing compared to what I was beginning to feel about Justin, and he didn’t need to know that there had ever been anything with them in the first place.

Justin said nothing, just smiled that sunny smile.  I hummed along with the song on the radio, singing occasionally.  “What IS this?” He asked finally.

“Country.  Shania.” I looked at him as if he were from another planet.  “You know, Shania Twain?”

“Oh, yeah!  She’s hot.” He was immediately mortified by what had come out of his mouth.  I smiled.

“Justin, gay people aren’t stupid.  Just like a straight guy can look at another man and admit that he’s attractive, gay people can see attractiveness in everyone.  Don’t get so scared.” I was amused by the anxiety in his eyes.  “You’re right…she’s something else when she wears those leather pants.”

“You look kinda good in leather pants,” he observed, and I blushed.

“You notice what I wear?”

Justin frowned.  “I’m not dignifying that with a reply.”

I laughed and continued to sing.  “Whose bed have your boots been under…and whose heart did you steal I wonder…this time did it feel like thunder baby…”

We finally reached a tiny grocery store and stopped.  I got out and stretched, reaching tall.  “God…I forgot I HAD half these muscles,” I groaned.

“Baby,” Justin said, grinning.  “We’ll need to work out this weekend, you’ll get out of shape.”

“Screw you…I’m on vacation,” I shot back.  He smiled again and we went into the store.

“You shop. I’ll get ice and the basics,” Justin told me.  I grabbed one of the little baskets and wandered the aisles, picking up simple things like potatoes, some chicken and pork chops, and some vegetables.  We were only there from Friday to Sunday. We had a cooler in the car, so I knew everything would stay fresh until we reached the cabin.

When I met Justin at the counter, I had to laugh.  The “basics” were eggs, milk, about five 2-liter bottles of soda, Doritos, cookies and some bags of candy. He blushed.  “Can you start ringing this up?” I asked the clerk. “I forgot something.”  I wandered back through the store and stopped at the large refrigerator cases.  I came back up and plunked the two six-packs of beer down on the counter.  One of Justin’s eyebrows raised into his curls, but he said nothing. I flashed my ID and the clerk was satisfied.  Justin began to load the car as I paid.

We were barely in the car before he asked, “Are you planning on getting me drunk and seducing me?”

I arched my own eyebrow.  “What was it you told me?  You only seduce the ones you think will say no…” I actually saw him shiver.  “How much further?”

“About another thirty minutes,” Justin said, putting the car in drive and zooming out of the parking lot.

 

“Oh…damn…Justin…” I murmured as we drove down a dirt road.  The cabin was definitely out in the middle of nowhere, and the surroundings were just peaceful.  Birds and frogs talked back and forth, and all you could see were trees.  “This is perfect.”

“I know. Isn’t it incredible?”  He said proudly.  We rounded a bend in the road.  “Here we are.  No TV…no phone…just a stereo and us.”  He stopped the car in front of a decent sized cabin.

“Perfect,” I repeated, getting out of the car.  Justin fished his keys out of his pocket.

“C’mon. Lemme show you around. The stuff should be okay in the cooler for a minute.”  He took my hand and almost dragged me to the door.  He unlocked the door and we stepped inside.  “There’s a local guy who I pay to keep an eye on things…he was supposed to come in and air the place out yesterday.”  It was obvious he had.  Not a speck of dust was on any of the furniture, and a few of the windows were open.  “Bathroom’s over there.” He pointed to a door in the right corner.  “This is the living area, kitchen’s back there, and there are three bedrooms upstairs…kinda like a loft,” he pointed to a large upstairs area. 

“This is awesome, Justin,” I told him, feeling the tension of the tour easing out of my shoulders. 

“It gets better.  C’mere.”  He took my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. It was a very comfortable, familiar gesture and I sighed happily.  He swung our hands between us as we cut through the house, through the kitchen, and out a back door.  I stopped short on the large back porch.

“A lake? You have your own damn lake?”

Justin laughed. “Nah…there are like six other cabins…see?  There are some kids in a canoe over there.”  He pointed to a spot in the distance and I nodded.  A wooden path led down to the water.  “We have a canoe, too. It’s under the house in the crawl space.”

“Perfect,” I whispered once more.  Justin turned to me, his hand reaching out to cup my chin.

“I hope so,” he whispered back.  I realized that for the first time we were truly alone. No Joey to be obnoxious, no Chris to be annoying in general, no JC to give me worried looks.  “I want this weekend to prove to you how much I care about you, Lance.”  He bent his head and gently pecked me on the lips.  “Let’s unpack…the sooner it’s done the sooner we can begin our vacation!”  He let one thumb trail across my lips before walking back in the house.

I stood for a moment, trying to regain the strength to walk.  He might have only been nineteen, but damn, that boy could kiss.  I finally took a shuddering breath and followed Justin into the house.

 

 

It was late afternoon by the time we got the groceries unpacked and had everything settled the way we wanted it.  Justin had fibbed slightly; the third bedroom was not actually a bedroom but a makeshift studio, similar to the one in the house he shared with Joey and JC.  The remaining bedrooms were side-by-side, a situation I was a bit leery of. I trusted Justin, but I didn’t trust myself.  In the two weeks we had been getting to know each other, there had been times that I could hardly keep from ripping his clothes off.  He could be so sexy when he wanted to…but I was determined to move it slow, for his sake.

“Now what?”  Justin popped his head into the bedroom I was using. I was halfway done unpacking.

“You’re done?”

“Sure.” He did a flying leap onto the bed, scattering my socks everywhere. “Oops.  Sorry.”  He began to refold them. 

“You just shoved everything into drawers, didn’t you?”

“No,” Justin said haughtily. “I didn’t even bother unpacking my bag.  We’re only here until Sunday.”

I shook my head. “Some things just don’t change.”

“Nope.  Hey, what’s that?”  Justin grabbed a shirt from my bag and I blushed.

“Gimme that.”

“Nope.” Justin held up the blue and green plaid shirt.  “Is this a FLANNEL shirt? I didn’t know you WORE flannel!”  He began to laugh. “Lance in flannel. This I have to see.”

“I’ll have you know that I wear flannel a lot…just where you guys don’t see it,” I said defensively. “I bet I look quite sexy in flannel.”

“I bet you do,” Justin replied, smirking.  “I bet I look sexier, though.”

I grabbed the shirt back, unable to reply.  I quickly finished unpacking.  “Hungry?”

“Starving,” Justin replied, looking up at me innocently.  That is, his face was innocent, but the glimmer in his eyes was not.  I swallowed deeply.

“I’ll go start dinner, then.”  I hurried from the room, willing that damn erection to go down. It always seemed to make an appearance around Justin, which had made the end of the tour rather difficult.

I breaded some pork chops and threw them in the oven, and then peeled potatoes to fry them on the stove.  Justin sat in a chair, watching me.  “Are all gay men good in the kitchen?”

For some reason the statement made me irritated.  I whirled around, potato skins flying. “What makes you say that?  Just because we don’t like girls we have to act like them?  Should I get an apron? Would that make you happy?”

“Whoa…Lance…where did that come from?”  Justin’s eyes were huge.  “I just…you can cook…JC can make killer desserts…and me and Joey and Chris can barely open a can of soup.  I was just wondering…” He frowned.  “But you’re right. It did kinda stereotype and I’m sorry.”  A bashful grin flitted across his face.  “And since I’m probably…well…gay, too…I am living proof that the stereotype is wrong.”  I turned back to the potatoes, still slightly miffed.  I think what had bothered me was the idea that he DIDN’T initially include himself as “gay,” after all he had been saying to me and the way he had been acting around me.  That thought was lost, however, when I saw long arms come around my waist, and felt warm lips press against the back of my neck.  “Lance? Are you mad at me? I’m sorry.”

I turned around in his embrace, potato in one hand, peeler in the other.  “No, Justin, I’m not mad.” I looked into his bright blue eyes. “Unfortunately, I doubt I could ever stay mad at you for long.”

This time I initiated the kiss.  Justin took the peeler and the potato and tossed them into the sink so I could wrap my arms around him.  He moaned as I nibbled at his bottom lip.  “Run your fingers through my hair…I love that.”

“They have potato on them.”

“Fuck the potatoes…do it.”

I eagerly complied, running the curls through my dirty hands.  He sighed into my mouth, pressing me back against the counter.  Our erections rubbed through our pants, and we both moaned. He finally pulled away, and we both panted for breath.  “Holy shit…Justin…” I looked at him.  “Who taught you to kiss like that?”

“Britney,” he replied promptly, and I growled at him. He laughed.

“Thought that would make you mad.  I’m gonna go shower…I have potato hair.’ He gave me one more breathless kiss, and I turned back to my potatoes.

 

“Okay, Lance? When we get back to real life, you’re moving in and cooking for me every night.” Justin pushed his chair back and sighed.  “That was so good.”

“Number one, I refuse to live with Joey and JC.  Number two, I refuse to live with you. You’re a pig.” I grabbed his plate and carried it to the kitchen.  “It was only pork chops and potatoes.”

“But it was good. You’re good.  I’m good when I’m with you.” He gave me a kiss on the cheek, surprising me with his words. I looked at him. “I am. You make me relaxed…and I can be me…and I just…feel good.”

“Good,” I replied, knowing exactly what he meant.

“Let’s take a walk.  Grab your shoes.”  He went in search of his own sandals.

It was still relatively early, and the sun was setting. I sighed as I yanked on sneakers without socks. I could really get used to life like this.  We went out the back door and down the dirt path that encircled the lake.  “How long would it take to walk the whole way around?” I asked him.

“Well…it usually takes me about an hour when I walk it alone,” Justin said, then smiled devilishly.  “But…since it’s starting to get dark…and I’m walking with a sexy man…it might take longer.”

“Should I be afraid?” I said, pretending to cower in fear.

“VERY afraid. I like molesting handsome blond men with green eyes and orgasmic voices,” Justin said in a low voice, wiggling his fingers at me. I stopped walking.

“Then can we go back to the cabin?  The bed is probably much more comfortable then the ground,” I pointed out. He howled with laughter.

“How about we just go over to where that dock is and back.  Maybe I’ll be over my molesting impulses by then.”

I laughed.  “You’re crazy, Justin Timberlake.”

“Crazy about you.” He took my hand in his, kissed the knuckles, then held it as we walked. “It’s just weird, Lance. Why didn’t I ever see this before?  How good it could be.”

“Because you didn’t know that I was gay, Justin. Why in the world would you think it about me? You’re straight and you thought I was, too.” 

“You say that present tense,” Justin said hesitantly.  “You still think we’re not gonna work out, don’t you?”

“Let’s just say I’m guarding my heart, Justin. I care about you…a lot…there’s so much to love…but I just can’t see you giving up “normal” life for me.  It isn’t easy. I mean, you’ve seen how JC and I have to hide it.  You and JC are best friends and you didn’t even know. It’s hard.”

“I want to. It’s worth it. YOU’RE worth it,” Justin insisted.  “You’re not even giving me a chance!”

“Coming here with you is giving you a chance, Justin,” I told him gently, and he smiled.

“Yeah…I guess you’re right.”  He gave me a goofy grin. “I’ll race you to that dock.”

“What do I get when I win?”

“Ha.  IF you win.  IF you win, I have to walk around naked until noon tomorrow. WHEN I win, YOU have to do it.” He tilted his head.  “What do you say?”

I mentally calculated.  We’d probably not get up until around eleven, so that would be one hour. I could walk around naked for an hour in front of him.  I could stay in my room for that hour if I won, too.  There was no temptation if I was in my room alone.  “Okay.  Ready. Set.  Go.” I was off like a streak of lightening before he knew what was happening.

“You little cheat!”  I heard his footsteps behind me and increased my speed.  Unfortunately, Justin’s legs were longer and he reached the dock a split second before I did.

“Shit,” I said, panting for breath.

“I’d like breakfast served around nine-thirty,” he began.  “I like my eggs over medium, bacon crisp.”

“I thought you liked French toast,” I said innocently and he smacked my shoulder.

“Not funny, Lance.  Actually, I don’t care WHAT you make…you’ll be naked.” He walked ahead of me on the path, whistling cheerfully. I groaned.  This wasn’t fair.

 

We made our way back to the cabin. I grabbed one of the six-packs from the fridge and tossed a can to Justin. We flopped down in the living room and talked for almost two hours, with almost all the beer gone in the first hour and a half.

“You’re intoxicating a minor,” Justin reminded me with a cheerful grin. I knew he wasn’t anywhere near intoxicated.  Beer simply didn’t affect him. I remembered the night in the hotel and frowned.  I hated remembering how drunk he was, how he had threatened to jump off the balcony.

“You’re not drunk. I’ve seen you drunk,” I said with a sigh.  He crawled over from his seat on the floor to place his head on my knee. I was on a chair. 

“I promise you will never see me like that again. I have no reason to drink like that now,” he pointed out.  I moaned and stretched. He might not have been intoxicated, but I had a damn good buzz going on.

“Let’s have another contest,” I suggested.  I wanted out of this naked thing.  “If YOU win, I have to be naked until two. When I win, you have to be naked.”

“Sounds good. What’s the contest?”

“Singing.  You have to sing…” I dug through his CDs.  “This.  And act it out.”  I waved Britney’s CD in the air.  “Oops, you did it again.”

“No way.”  Justin wrinkled his nose. I pouted.  He relented.  “Okay…hold on.  I need props.”  He ambled up the steps to the bedrooms and I smiled. This would be easy.  Then I frowned. In my intoxicated stupor I realized what I had done. Justin dancing and singing?  Me competing with him?

“Oh shit…I fucked this one up,” I moaned to myself.  He came back downstairs, wearing no shoes, an EXTREMELY tight pair of jeans I had never seen him wear, and the plaid shirt he had dug out of my bag.  The shirt was open and his bare chest seemed to gleam.  “Holy fuck,” I said to myself. He ignored me and went to the middle of the living room.

He started in the middle of the song, bumping and grinding in a way that put Britney to shame. “…but to lose all my senses…that is just so typically me…baby…oops, I did it again…I played with your heart…got lost in the game…ooh baby baby…oops, you think I’m in love…that I’m sent from above….I’m not…that…innocent…” The last three words were punctuated with those electric hips and I almost fell off my chair. 

“Bad idea, Lance,” I muttered to myself.  Justin smiled at me. 

“How was that?”

“Fine…you might have a chance at winning,” I said weakly. I stood.  “Give me my shirt back.”

“I like it,” Justin said, but he took it off.  I tried my best to ignore his smooth naked chest. He took my chair and grabbed the last beer.  “Your turn.”

I wore sweatpants and I saw no reason to change. I tugged my tshirt off, feeling slightly self-conscious. I was grateful for the beer; it curbed all the inhibitions that usually controlled my personality.  I thought for a moment, trying to come up with a good song.  I stood still in the middle of the living room floor, my eyes never leaving Justin’s face.  “Don’t you tell me to deny it…I’ve done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins…I’ve come to you ‘cause I need guidance to be true and I just don’t know where I can begin…” I got on my hands and knees and began crawling across the hardwood floor.  Justin swallowed his beer and almost choked.  “What I need is a good defense…cause I’m feeling like a criminal..” His blue eyes grew huge and I mentally thanked JC for his current obsession with Fiona Apple.  He listened to her all the time and if you were forced to room with him you were forced to listen as well.  “…and I need to feel redeemed to the one I’ve sinned against…because he’s all I ever knew of love…” My hands were on Justin’s knees as I pushed myself up.

“Okay…you win…” Justin whispered.  “You so fucking win…” His breath was coming in gasps, and I could see the package defined in the crotch of his tight jeans. But I was having fun. I needed to let go like this more often.

“Heaven help me for the way I am…save me from these evil deeds before I get them done…” I sank to my knees once more and ran my hands up his strong thighs.  “I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand…but I keep living this day like the next will never come…”

Justin whimpered and drew my head into his.  “Kiss me…Lance…” His mouth met mine fiercely, his tongue pushing for entrance.  I let him in, my hands sliding up his naked chest.  He pushed slowly until we both fell to the floor, our bare skin pressing together.  “God, Lance…” his voice was husky.  “You…so damn sexy…I never knew…” His mouth found the side of my neck and slightly bit down. I cried out, loving his aggressive nature. After the incident with JC I had compared him to Joey, and had decided I was more passive than aggressive, and aggressive men were a big turnon for me.  Justin’s hand slid down my chest to the front of my sweatpants. He began to rub up and down until I felt the front of the pants dampen slightly. “Can I…please…Lance…please…” he begged, even as he slid his hand inside.  He used my precum to aid his hand, sliding up and down my hard cock. I was thrusting against him, moaning his name.  My hand reached for the button of his jeans, and I struggled with it.

Justin moved his hand long enough to open his jeans, and I moaned as I realized he wore nothing underneath. His cock was smooth and long and hard as hell, and I loved the feeling of it against my hands.  I could think of nothing but tasting it.  “Justin…I don’t want to rush you…don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do…” I breathlessly whispered. “But…I…”

Justin stood up suddenly, shoving the jeans from his legs. I stared at him. He was so damn beautiful.  He sat in the chair he had been sitting in before, and spread his legs slightly. “Please.” It was one word but it said everything. I crawled over to him, running my hands up the insides of his naked thighs. When my hand came in contact with his balls, he hissed, throwing his head back.  I licked a line up to his head, engulfing him in my mouth.  “Oh…sweet Jesus…Lance…” His hand went to my hair, grabbing it even as he was shoving my head down onto him. “Yes…yes…faster…oh fuck yes…suck…me…” He moaned, slamming my head down onto him. I didn’t mind, I wanted him to fuck my mouth…wanted him to… “Oh shit…Lance…I’m…cumming…oh FUCK…” I felt his thighs tense as he shot up into my mouth. I drank what I could, then wiped us both off with my discarded tshirt.  I fell back onto the floor as he tried to catch his breath.  He looked down at me finally. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.  “Maybe it was too soon.”

“Hell no it wasn’t too soon!”  Justin joined me on the floor.  “Lance, I’ve wanted to touch you…feel you…ever since that night at the hotel. I didn’t want to do anything on the road though…I wanted it to be special…” He looked at me. “I want to do that to you.”

“Justin, you don’t need to…” I began, but his hands were sliding my sweatpants down before I could protest.

“I’m not sure…I never…” Justin stammered, then took my length in his hand. I hissed and arched my back.  “Okay…well…I guess that was good…” he teased, but I couldn’t smile.  Suddenly he was kissing me, kissing the head, those sweet lips were slowly encircling it…

“Justin…oh…my…God…” my teeth chattered from the sensations that rocked my body.  “Yes…like…that…use your…oh my God.” I didn’t even have to tell him to use his hand to stroke me, he did that all on his own. He took me into his mouth entirely, gagging once or twice before learning to adjust.  His hand went down to stroke my balls, and I clenched my hands in his curls without pulling them. “Justin…God…so good…so good…” I whimpered.  “Don’t stop…don’t…” I arched my hips slightly and he moved his hands beneath my ass to push me into his mouth.  “So close…so close…”

“Cum for me, Lance…please…” Justin begged quietly, and that was all it took. I cried out, his name falling from my mouth as I poured out into his mouth.  I heard him gag again, choke slightly, then spit.  I caught my breath, then looked up.  “Sorry,” he mumbled, holding up my shirt.  “It tasted kinda nasty. I used your shirt.”

“It’s okay,” I panted.  “It’s okay.”  He crawled up to lay down next to me, and suddenly I was cradled in his arms, his heart pounding near my cheek.

“That was amazing…hearing you say my name like that…that I did that for you.” Justin’s voice was full of wonder.

“You did that for girls, didn’t you?” I pointed out.

“Yeah, but…this was different…knowing just how it feels, and knowing I did it for you.”  He kissed his forehead, lost in his thoughts.

“I’m ready for bed.” I slowly stood, grabbing my dirty tshirt and my sweats.  “See you in the morning?”

“Sleep with me.” Justin looked up at me.  “Please.”

How could I say no?  “I’ll be waiting,” I said, going up the steps.

 

I looked at the travel alarm clock on the nightstand, but all I saw was a pink blur. What the hell?  Then I remembered…I was in bed with Justin.  Justin.  Justin’s chest was in my face, and my cheek was against his skin.  I couldn’t resist.  I flicked my tongue out over the nipple. It hardened and I could suck on it. I sucked it. I bit it. I licked it.  I teased it until Justin was writhing on the bed, half-asleep.

“Oh…Joey…yes…” he whispered, and I froze.  Blue eyes fluttered open and he smiled at me. “Gotcha.”

“Dammit, Timberlake!” I snapped, getting out of bed.  I pulled on some sweatpants and went downstairs to start breakfast.

“Lance, wait.  Wait!” I heard him stumbling behind me. I got eggs out of the fridge, slammed them down on the counter, then remembered they were eggs.

“Fuck!”  I carefully opened the carton. Only three had broken. I pulled them out and tossed them in the trash.

“Lance, I was just kidding.  Lance!” Justin said from the doorway, but I ignored him.  I was too upset.  I was already insecure enough about him to begin with, but when had said Joey’s name… “Do you really think I’d want him? I want you.” Justin came over and whirled me around. He cupped my face in his hand.  “Joey is nothing.  You, Lance, are everything to me.”  He forced me to look at him.  “Everything.  It was scary at first, but then it was so natural.  These last two weeks have been insane…I have been crazy not being able to be with you as much as I want.  I can’t get you out of my head.  I fucking jacked off every damn night on tour, whispering your name.  And it’s more than that…I have all kinds of fantasies of our future…going places together, doing things…moving in together…so quit acting like I’m just gonna run away from you. I’m falling in love with you, Lance, not Joey, so get the fuck over it.” He stomped out of the room and I stared at him, egg carton in my hand.  Falling in love with me?  I turned around, staring at the eggs.  Falling in love with me.

 

Justin was out on the back porch when I finished breakfast.  “Justin!  You want these eggs or not?” I called.

“Okay,” he said sullenly, stomping back inside.  He made it to the kitchen table and froze.  “Uh…well…”

“Over medium, crisp bacon, right? I hope you like wheat toast…we only bought wheat bread.” I sat down a plate in front of his chair.  “Are you gonna sit or what?”

“Um, yeah,” he said weakly, falling into a chair. I poured him a glass of orange juice and then a cup of coffee. 

“Here you go.” I smiled at him and leaned back against the counter.  “Dig in.”

“Well…aren’t you gonna eat anything?”  I handed him the salt and pepper and he accidentally salted his orange juice, since he didn’t take his eyes off of me.

“Not hungry. I’m not a breakfast person.” I turned on the charm.  “How does it taste?”

Justin took a miniscule bite of bacon.  “Delicious,” he whispered.  “Lance, do you realize you’re naked?”

“Yes…I found that out when the grease from the bacon spattered…thank God it hit my stomach.” I patted the teeny spare tire I worked like hell to get rid of.

“You cooked naked?” Justin’s voice was small.

“Yeah.” I shrugged. “You sounded so into the idea last night…and I like doing things to make you happy.” I said the last part with a pointed look into his eyes, hoping he knew what I meant.  He did. His eyes told me he did.  He took one forkful of eggs, swallowed it, downed his juice, then stood.  He was in front of me in an instant, and before I knew it he had actually lifted me up on the counter.

“Breakfast is served,” he whispered as he spread my legs and took my cock in his mouth.

 

That day was one of the happiest I could remember.  It got off to an incredible start, obviously.  I could hardly hop down from the counter once Justin was done.  I stumbled off to the shower as he finished his breakfast.  As he showered, I inhaled some toast and scrambled eggs.  He came down from the shower as I was washing up the breakfast dishes.  “What are we doing today?” I asked him.

“I thought we could just hang by the lake…it’s supposed to be an awesome day today,” he suggested.

“That sounds WONDERFUL,” I said with a sigh. I loved the first few days after a tour.  They were so relaxing.

“Okay, pasty…I have some towels in my bag…you get the sunscreen,” Justin ordered. I was insulted.

“Pasty?”

“Lance, if your skin was any lighter, you’d be albino.  You’re using sunscreen. I don’t want you getting all sunburned,” he said over his shoulder as he went up the steps. I couldn’t help but smile. It was such a little thing for him to say, but so caring and sweet all at once. I  remembered what he had said about falling in love with me. I didn’t want to believe it, because I didn’t want to get hurt when he would probably change his mind, but I understood Justin’s feelings…I definitely was falling hard for him.

 

We padded down the wooden walkway to the lake.  I threw down my things and started to make a running leap for the water before a hand grabbed the elastic of my swim trunks.  “Sunscreen, Pasty.”

“Aw, Mom,” I whined, but I dug in my bag for the sunscreen. I started to apply it on my face and chest as Justin took the bottle and began rubbing the lotion on my back. Suddenly this didn’t seem that bad of an idea. I sighed as his strong fingers rubbed the lotion across my back.

“Okay, done.  Lance, I’m done,” Justin said, poking me. I snapped awake. 

“Huh…yeah…okay.”

“Here.  Do mine.” He handed me the bottle and turned his back to me. I took one look at that smooth skin and my day got even better.  I slowly traced my hands across his shoulder blades and spine, working the lotion in even as my hands learned his skin. “L-L-Lance…” Justin stammered.  “You weren’t supposed to make it erotic, dammit. How the hell can I stand up with all these little kids around?” I peeked over his shoulder and saw the tent in the front of his swim trunks. I laughed and stood up.

“Sorry,” I said, not sounding at all sorry. I made my running leap for the water and splashed my way out to where it was about five feet deep. The water was cool and refreshing, and I floated on my back, letting the sun bake my face.  This was truly the life.

I let out a yelp as I felt hands grab at my swim trunks pulling them down to my ankles.  Justin surfaced a few feet to my right, giggling madly as I struggled for the waistband.  “Who’d have thought Lance Bass would skinny dip…of all people,” Justin taunted, swimming madly as I came after him.  I caught him and pushed him under.  He sputtered as he surfaced, water streaming off of his dampened curls. I sighed. He was adorable.

The rest of the day was wonderful.  We splashed and raced all morning, then went back in for a quick lunch. When we returned to the lake, most of the area children were in the water playing games.  They quickly got Justin and I into the water, and before I knew it we were playing Marco Polo and water tag.  Justin was so sweet, letting the slower children catch him when it was their turn to be it.  At one point he had three pre-teen girls trying to dunk him, and it was so funny watching them try to keep their cool, all the while knowing they had their hands all over a half-naked Justin Timberlake of NSYNC. That thought alone made me get up and leave the water.  Half-naked Justin Timberlake made my half-erect erection suddenly become fully erect.  I lay on the towels dozing as Justin played around in the water.  I heard a squeal and my eyes fluttered open.  A very NOT preteen girl was attempting to dunk him. She was about sixteen or seventeen and very pretty.  He fought with her, letting her try to push him under and then at the last minute he’d turn and push HER under.  I frowned.  She had her hands all over his chest and shoulders, on his waist, anywhere she could grab him. That wasn’t fair. Only I was allowed to do that.  He was mine.  I shook my head.  No, he wasn’t mine.  Nothing had been promised.  Just because he said he thought he was falling in love with me didn’t mean we were an item, didn’t mean he was my boyfriend.  Boyfriend. I had never had a boyfriend.  A fling with Chris, a fling with Joey, one night with JC, but never a boyfriend. I watched Justin, watched that smile flash out as he laughed at the girl’s antics.  I wanted HIM to be my boyfriend.  But watching him with the girl…he looked more interested in a girlfriend then anything else. I stood up, stretched, and picked up my bag. I headed for the cabin.  Justin never saw me walk away.

 

I was showered, dressed, and in the living room reading over some business stuff when Justin came into the cabin.  “Hey, how long ago did you come in? I didn’t even see you.”  He leaned over the back of the chair I was sitting on.

“Back off, Justin. This is important and you’re dripping dirty lake water on it.”

“Oh, sorry.”  Justin moved around to sit on the floor in front of me.  “How long ago?”

“About forty minutes.” I glanced up at him then looked back down.  “I got tired.”

“Oh.  You okay?”  I nodded without looking at him.  “Good. I’m gonna shower and change.  What’s for dinner?”

“I haven’t decided yet.”  Still didn’t look up.

“Okay. Whatever. I’m not that hungry.” He headed for the staircase and I closed my eyes tight. He hadn’t even noticed. Didn’t even notice I had come inside. Didn’t even care because he was too busy with… “Lance, I was just playing. She was nothing, just some girl who wanted to play around. You weren’t in the water, so I played with her.  But I wanted to be playing with you.  She could touch the outside, but only you get the inside.” I heard his feet slowly go up the steps and I swallowed deeply. It was like he had read my thoughts.  I tossed my papers to the floor and hurried up the steps behind him.

“I’m sorry,” I said as he peeled off his wet swim trunks.  For once I didn’t even notice his naked form.  “I just…she was beautiful…and she was allowed to touch you…and I can’t. Not in public.  Not here, not in Florida, not in New York, nowhere.  And I was jealous.”

Justin smiled a sad smile. “And you thought I wanted that over you?”

“Well, she was beautiful,” I repeated lamely.  Justin walked over to me and put a hand on my arm.

“Lance, she was just some girl.  I’ve had dozens like her…and they’re not what I want. YOU are what I want.  And not just here, away from everything.”  His hand went to my damp hair. He played in it for a minute and took a deep breath.  “I want to be with you.  I want us to…well…be an us.”  He tilted his head.  “Do you want that, too?”  I could barely nod, because my heart was in my throat.  His smile brightened the room. “Good,” he said.  “I was really hoping that you would see how much I want to be with you, Lance. I want to learn all about you…and all about being with you.  It’ll be weird and hard and you’ll probably want to kill me ninety percent of the time, but I want us to try.”  I nodded again, and he laughed.  “So…I guess the first thing we should do is tell Joey and Chris…it would only be fair.”

For some reason the idea of discussing our relationship with Joey and Chris worried me. I didn’t want Justin to know about what had happened between me and Joey, or me and Chris, so I quickly changed the subject. “No…the first thing YOU should do is shower…you have lake sludge all over you.” I ran my finger down his dirty collarbone.

“Lake sludge, euw.” Justin wrinkled his nose, then laughed.  “Come in the shower with me?”

“Nah…I’ll wait out here.” I dug a book out of one of the bags I had left in his room and Justin trotted off to the bathroom.

 

Justin’s shower took about a half hour, and by the time he returned to the bedroom I was almost dozing off with my book. It had been such a relaxing day.  He leaned in the doorway, a blue towel slung low around his slender hips. I gulped.  Rivers of water streamed from his damp hair down his chest.  He had a serious look in his eyes that made me shiver.  “You look, um, clean,” I said weakly.  He didn’t smile, but advanced on the bed. I moved slightly and he sat on the edge.

“Lance?”

“Justin,” I replied, trying to make him smile again. It didn’t work.  He took my book, carefully placed the bookmark inside, and tossed it to the floor.

“Lance…I…” Justin looked uncertain and nervous, a look I didn’t see often.  “Iwanttomakelovetoyou,” he said in a rush.

“What?” I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly.

“I want…I want to make love to you. You know…have sex with you…make love to you…I…”

“I know what making love is, Justin.” I slowly sat up, studying his eyes.  I wasn’t really any expert, but I felt like the mature one in this situation. “Justin, are you sure? I mean, because we don’t have to. Not now. Not ever.” I smacked myself mentally for that one.  I meant it, but I didn’t want to give him any dumb ideas about celibacy.  “I don’t want to rush you.  This is all so new, especially for you, and I don’t want you to feel that…”

“You don’t want to. Okay, I mean, that’s fine.” Justin stood and went over to his suitcase.  “We can just, you know, do what we’ve been doing. I sure don’t mind that.” He gave me a small smile and dug through his clothes.

“Whoa. Hold on.” I sat on the edge of the bed.  “I didn’t say I didn’t want to.  HELL, do I want to.  But I want you to be sure. I want you to be…”

In an instant Justin was on me, pinning my shoulders to the bed. “If you say “Justin, I want you to be sure” one more time, I’m gonna just rape you, Lance.  I AM SURE.  I WANT TO. I want to make love to you…want to make love to the man I’m falling in love with.”  Justin smiled a tiny smile. “God, I never thought I’d say that sentence…but it feels right to say it.  I want to make love to you, Lance.”  I just stared at him, feeling my cock harden more every second.  Half naked Justin was good. Half naked aggressive Justin was even better.  He looked down at me and smiled…well, actually…he smirked.  I scowled up at him and he laughed.  “You’re so cute when you act tough, Lansten.”  He bent his head down to capture my lips with his. I sighed and felt my body melt into the bed. He was good. 

I felt his hands slid up under my tshirt as he moved to lay next to me.  His lips tickled my earlobes as his hands slid up, pulling the shirt with them. I moved long enough to let him remove the shirt, then our bodies pressed together. I felt goosebumps on his skin as I kissed my way down his neck.  My lips attached themselves to a hardening nipple, and he arched his back, whispering my name.  “You taste so good,” I told him.  Ever since our very first kiss there were many things I wanted to tell him, things I felt and thought, but I had been too shy.  Now I wasn’t about to hold back.  “Your skin is so damn soft…”

His hands fumbled with the button of my shorts, and I moved my body so he could pull the shorts down. I heard them hit the floor. Justin stood, slowly unwrapping the towel from his waist.  That hit the ground as well. He was so beautiful. “You’re beautiful, Lance,” Justin whispered, his eyes running up and down my body. I blushed.

“ME?”

“Yeah, you.” He picked up my left foot and kissed the inside of my ankle.  I felt all internal organs turn to oatmeal.  “You just…you’re gorgeous.”

“No.  You and JC are the gorgeous ones. I’m just the backup one who looks good…pretty…” I said wryly, remembering Chris’ words.

“You’re pretty. You’re gorgeous.”  His teeth nipped the inside of my thigh and I forgot who was more gorgeous or more beautiful or prettiest.  “And you’re mine.” 

“Yes…yours…oh holy fuck…” I gasped as his hot mouth encircled my cock.

“I want you to tell me…tell me what to do to make you feel good.”  He came up to kiss my lips, looking nervous once more. “I mean, I don’t know…”

“Shh.” I kissed him passionately and soon he was once more pushing me back to the bed, his body rubbing against mine.  “Justin, you just…oh no.  Oh SHIT.” I groaned and let my head fall back.

“What? What is it? Did I mess up already?”  Justin looked at me anxiously.

“Justin…I don’t…I didn’t…I wasn’t sure what would happen, so I’m not really prepared.” He looked confused.  “No…well…lube…and no condoms.” 

“Oh.”

“And, I mean, I know I’m clean, I’ve only been with…well…you know…” I couldn’t bring myself to lie outright, but I DID know I was clean.  JC and I had both been tested after that one night stand.  “But I just…”

“You think I might not be?” Justin leaned his head on one hand.

“NO!” I almost shouted.  “I didn’t mean that at all. I just…I don’t want to take any chances. At all.  For either of us.”

“It’s okay if you think that. I mean, I DID sleep around.” He smiled and kissed my nose. “But not anymore.”  He crawled to the edge of the bed and leaned down to reach his bag.  I enjoyed the view, wondering what he was looking for.  Suddenly a box of condoms and a tube of lubricant smacked onto my bare stomach.

“Justin, what the fuck…” I looked at him, and he blushed a furious red.

“Well, I didn’t plan on it either but…”

“It sure looks like you did,” I replied, unable to keep a straight face. He blushed more.

“Well…I just wanted…just in case you…well…there it is. Are we gonna fuck or not?”

I raised an eyebrow.  “It’s moved from making love to fucking?”

“No.  I…you…it just sounded better to say “fuck” right there instead of “make love,” that’s all,” he stammered, and I laughed.  “I know there’s a difference!”  Justin insisted and I howled.  He pinned me down once more, and the lubricant and condoms spilled off my stomach onto the mattress.  “Are we gonna or not?”  His tongue flickered over my earlobe and I stopped laughing.

“Yes…Justin…shit…yes…” I whispered as one of his hands caressed my cock.  He kissed my chest in a dozen places that ALL gave me goosebumps, then slowly pulled away to sit up.  He picked up a condom, but I slowly took it from him.  “Not yet,” I whispered, “And when it’s time, I want to do it.” He nodded, his eyes big.  “You need to get me ready,” I told him softly, hoping he’d know what I meant.  He smiled gently, and then laid me back down once more.  His mouth and hands were everywhere…and I was soon moaning and writhing on the bed. 

He kissed and nibbled at my neck as one hand flipped the cap of the lubricant. I felt one cool finger slide down my cock, across my balls, and back behind. I hissed in a breath as I arched my back, feeling him tease me.  “I don’t want to hurt you,” Justin whispered.

“No, Justin…it’s okay…I just…oh my God…” I ended the phrase with a moan as one long finger slid inside of me.  He slowly moved the finger in and out, his fingertip easily finding my prostate.  “Justin…I…” The only word I seemed to know was his name, and by the time he had used a second and third finger, I could hardly remember THAT.  I finally pushed him away and we both sat up.

My hands shook as I tried to open the condom.  We looked at each other, and I read the same anxiety in his face that I felt in the pit of my stomach.  “Relax,” we said at the same time, then smiled.  “Relax,” Justin whispered, giving me a slow, lustful, passionate kiss. I tore through the condom package with a vengeance, and I ever so slowly sheathed him. “Damn,” Justin whispered, watching my hands.  I placed lube in my palms and slowly worked it over him. “Lance…” Justin whispered.  I could feel him throbbing in my hands and I moaned. 

He slowly pushed me back onto the bed.  “It won’t be easy…but just do it…” I told him. I knew he was worried.  “I know it will feel so good…I want you Justin…please…” I begged.  He placed my knees on either side of him and I arched up towards him. He swallowed deeply, then took his cock in one hand, spreading me with the other. 

“Lance, I’m sorry if this hurts you…” Justin whispered, and I felt him start to press against me. I closed my eyes, trying to relax. It had been years since I had done this, and I wanted to fight the pain.  “Oh…holy shit…so tight…” Justin gasped as he pushed himself inside of me. I whimpered and clenched my fists.  Justin took my hands and placed them on his legs.  “Grab me,” he told me.  I dug my fingers into his thighs and he winced, then the pain started to go away. He slowly moved inside of me. “Is it too bad?”

“No…ohmygod no…” I murmured, as his thickness rubbed against the spot that drove me crazy.  “Justin…harder…”

“Lance, I…”

“PLEASE,” I begged, wanting him inside of me all the way.  He didn’t need a second invitation. He grabbed my knees and shoved himself inside. 

“Yes…shit…Lance…” Justin moaned, throwing his head back. “This is so good…tight…ohmyGod…Lance…” He slammed himself in and pulled out just to slam in once more.  It was incredible. I reached down to touch my aching cock, pulling at it in desperation.  Justin’s eyes were glued to my hand.  “That looks so…God…Lance…I’m so close…”

“Justin…” I closed my eyes and groaned his name, barely able to get the word out as I felt myself cum.  “Justin…I love you!” I gasped as I came, white cum shooting up onto Justin’s chest and my hand.

“Lance…holy fuck I’m gonna cum…so hard…” Justin gasped, grasping my waist hard as he shoved inside of me once more.  He fell onto me, then slowly pulled out. I watched him sit for a moment, then get up and throw the condom away.  He wiped himself off with the towel he had dried off with, then wiped me clean as well.  He fell to the bed, laying beside me.  I couldn’t look at him. I felt horrible. I had corrupted him, made him something he wasn’t.  Justin Timberlake was a chick magnet, a heartthrob, something special. I had… “Lance,” Justin whispered timidly.  I turned my head.  “Are you mad at me?  Was this so wrong…so bad?”

“God, Justin, no!” I assured him. “It was incredible. I’m just worried…”

“That you did something wrong?” Justin finished, smiling at me. “It’s written all over your face.  It’s too late now, Lance. You’re stuck with me. I’m yours now…and you are most definitely mine.”  He touched my cheek. “You said you loved me.  You said it. You meant it…and I mean it, too. I love you.” Justin laid his cheek on my shoulder, throwing an arm across my waist. “I love you,” he repeated softly.

 

 

“I don’t want to go back,” Justin said the next morning. We were still in bed at ten, and I was still half-asleep.

“We have to,” I mumbled.  “Our flight leaves in three hours.”

“We can bail.  This is my cabin…we can just live here.”

“Can’t…gotta see my mom.” I rolled over and buried my head under the pillow.  “Five more minutes.”  I couldn’t believe how tired I was.

“You sound like JC,” Justin said, and I could hear the grin in his voice.  “Be right back.”  He left the room, and I assumed he went to use the bathroom.  I was almost totally back asleep when he returned.  “Lance,” Justin whispered in a singing tone.  “Wake up.  We don’t have much more time together…” I felt his fingertips trace up and down my spine and I shivered.

“Mmmph,” I moaned, unable to move as his lips pressed against each inch of my backbone.

“I just want to…” I slowly rolled over and uncovered my head.  He looked down at the sheet, where a tent was forming. “I was GOING to say I just want to hold you…but I’m slowly changing my mind,” Justin said, grinning at me devilishly.

“You know…if you ever don’t want to do anything…” I began, then stopped.  What I wanted to say wasn’t coming out right.  “I want this to be more than just sex, Justin.  I mean, hell yeah, I want you all the time now, more than ever, but it’s more than that. I just want to make sure you get that part.”

Justin reached up to touch my face.  “Yes, I get that part, silly.  But right NOW, I want this part.” He slid his hand under the sheet to grasp my hard cock.  “Tell me, Lance,” he said idly, stroking me.  “Is this a ‘morning, gotta pee’ hard on, or is this for me?”

“Yes,” I moaned, arching up.

“Which one?”

“Both,” I finally admitted, and he laughed.  He lightly slapped my stomach.

“Go pee.  I’m gonna start packing here.  Our flight leaves in three hours!” Justin exclaimed.  I groaned and gave him my best puppy dog look.  He visibly wilted.  “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t give me that look.”

“What look?” Pure innocence.

“The wounded look.”

“Timberlake, I learned this baby from you.”  But I sat up, kissed his cheek, and went down the stairs to the bathroom.

 

We were quiet on our drive back to the airport.  So many things had happened at the cabin, and I wasn’t exactly sure how much would change once we were back to the ‘real world.’  “So…you’re gonna see your mom?”

“I’m sure there are nine hundred messages from her on my machine,” I told him.  I sighed, thinking of my mother.  She was difficult at times, to say the least.

“Does she know…um…that you’re gay?”  I knew by his tone that Justin had been wanting to ask me this.

“Yes.  She and my dad BOTH do.  My dad is just like, well, not what I wanted, but whatever, but she is in DENIAL.  Capital letters.  She talks about girls all the time, asks who I’m dating…actually asked if I had ever gone out with Britney Spears, heaven forbid.”

“Hey, she’s MY girlfriend!”  Justin protested, then laughed.  “Does anyone know? Besides me and JC?”

“My sister knows.  And Joey and Chris know, I’m sure, though nothing’s really ever been said about it,” I fibbed.  “I’m pretty obvious.”

“I didn’t know,” Justin reminded me. “But I’m not all that bright.”

“You are wonderful,” I told him, squeezing his knee.

“I know,” he said cheerfully.

“And humble, too.”

 

We had left my car at the airport back home, and I drove Justin to his place.  We sat in the driveway for a moment. JC was still away, but we saw Joey’s car.  “This is weird,” Justin said finally.

“Oh?” I asked, my heart sinking.

“I hate the thought of being away from you for even five minutes, and you’re gonna be gone for, what, a week at least?”  Justin asked, frowning. I smiled.  He was going to miss me!

“Well, I’ll be back before you know it.  And you’ll have a lot to do.”

“I will?”  Justin looked confused.

“Packing.” I looked at him carefully. “I’m thinking of buying a bigger house, instead of just leasing the one I’m in…and I thought you might want to move in with me.”

Justin’s mouth fell open. “Me?”

“Um, yeah, you. Who else did I sleep with naked last night?” I couldn’t help but smile at the shocked look on his face.  “I want you to move in with me, Justin. It might be crazy, it might be too soon, but I want it.”

“Yes, I want it, too!”  Justin almost shouted, and I laughed.  “A bigger house?”

“Huge.  Maybe a mansion. With a basketball court and a pool.”

“And a lake out back,” Justin said dreamily.  “Our own private lake.”

“I dunno about that, but I’ll see what I can find.  I’m going to call a realtor and have them look for something while I’m gone.”

“This is so awesome.” Justin’s blue eyes were glowing. “I love you, Lance,” he said suddenly.

“I love you, too,” I said softly.  We kissed lightly.  Justin sighed.

“First thing’s first…gotta tell Joey.”

“Let me tell him,” I said suddenly.  “Grab your stuff and go in, and send him out.”

“Okay,” Justin said happily.  I popped the trunk and he grabbed his bags.  About five minutes later, Joey came outside.

“Hey, Lansten, how was your trip?”  He gave me a hug.

“Great, Joe.  His cabin is something else.”

“So I hear.  He doesn’t take many people up there.”  Joey leaned against my car.  “He said you wanted to talk to me?”

“Um, yeah.” I fidgeted for a moment. “Joey, I’m seeing someone.”

Joey’s bright smile flashed in my direction.  “No way!  Lance, it’s about damn time. That is so good. I’m so happy for you.”

“It’s…well…it’s Justin.”

“Justin Timberlake? The guy who is right now dropping laundry all over my house?”  Joey stared at me.  “What the hell happened at that cabin?”

I smiled.  “It didn’t happen at the cabin. It…”

“Hey, Joe?” Justin poked his head out the door and gave me a special smile before turning his focus on our friend.  “Whose turn is it to do the wash?”

“Yours.”

“Fifty bucks?”

“No way.  Just throw it in JC’s hamper.  He’ll be so tired when he gets back he won’t even notice.”

“Sweet.”  Justin went back in.

Joey turned back to me.  “Well?”

“It happened on tour. One night we talked and…well…it just happened. I had no clue.”

“Neither did I.”  Joey scratched his head.  “You’re worried, aren’t you.”

“Well, yeah.  He’s Justin Timberlake.  Every girl wants him, and he says he wants me.”  A dreamy smile crossed my face.  “Says he LOVES me.”

“Well, there you go. That’s all that matters.”  Joey looked me in the eye.  “Be careful, Lance. You’re more…sensitive…then most.  I don’t want you hurt.”

“Thanks, Joe,” I said, surprised.

“And don’t worry. I won’t tell him about you and me.  Not exactly something I want getting out, anyway. It would ruin my rep!”  He smiled, ruffled my hair, then went back to the house, calling goodbyes over his shoulder

“Well?”  Justin said, hurrying out.

“He’s cool. I thought he might be,” I told him.  “Hey…I gotta get home.  Gotta call my mom.”

“Okay.  Will you call later?”

“Why don’t you come over later?”

“Okay.”  Justin’s grin was unstoppable.  “See you later.”

“See you.”  I kissed his cheek quickly then hopped in my car.

 

“Hey,” I said when I heard Justin answer his cellphone.

“Hey!”  He said happily. I heard him flop onto his bed. “Miss me yet?”

“Justin, I’ve only been gone a day and a half,” I said, laughing. But I HAD missed him. It was weird.  We had always been glad to be apart after a tour previously, but now, it was so different. I missed just telling him things about my day, getting his opinion.

“Answer the question.”

“Duh,” I told him, and he laughed.

“That’s what I thought. Hey…I’ve been thinking…”

“I smelled the smoke all the way up here in Mississippi,” I drawled.

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?  Picking on you?”  I asked.

“No. Using the accent.  When you pour on the Southern drawl it makes me so damn horny, Lance.”

I smiled. I had kinda figured that out at the cabin but hadn’t used it yet.  “But, Justin,” I said, letting the last letter of his name fade off.  “I’m shoa I don’ know what yoa talkin’ about.”

“Stop it!”  He whined, and I laughed again.

“Okay, I’ll stop.  What were you thinking about?”

“I went and looked at houses…and I think I found one for you.”

“For US,” I corrected.

“Yeah, for us,” he repeated softly.  “It has a basketball court, a pool, a hot tub in the master bedroom…”

“Your lake?”

“Unfortunately, no, but there is a park nearby with a huge pond in the middle. That’s good enough.”

“I can’t wait to see it.  Call the realtor and tell them we’re interested, so they don’t give it to someone else,” I told him.

“Okay.”  We chatted for a bit more, and then I regretfully let him go.  I told him I’d call again in a few days, and reminded him that I’d be home before he knew it.

“Don’t you miss me, Lance?” Justin asked in a little voice. I guess I hadn’t sounded like it.

“Like I’d miss breathing, Justin,” I said truthfully, and I heard him sigh.  “I also miss that cock of yours,” I said in a low voice.

“LANCE!”  He yelled, and I knew I had shocked him.

“Sweet dreams, sexy.” I hung up before he could reply, chuckling.

I wandered down to the kitchen, where my mom was making a light lunch. I came up behind her and kissed her cheek.  “My goodness, James, you startled me!”

“Don’t lie, dear.  You know you were upstairs eavesdropping,” my father teased her.  My mouth dropped open.

“I was not,” she replied, annoyed.

“How much did you hear?” I asked fearfully.

“Just something about a realtor,” she told me, and I could see she was being honest.  “You’re moving?”

“Yeah…into a house of my own,” I said, sitting down and peeling a banana.  “Well…not just me…me and Justin,” I said, watching her.  A smile flashed across her face.

“Justin Timberlake?  Oh, good.  He’s such a sweet young boy.  A good roommate for you.  He’s what…nineteen?”

“Twenty in January,” I said, nodding.  I took a deep breath.  “Mom, he’s…well…he’s not just my roommate.”

She turned back to the celery she was chopping to make chicken salad.  “Of course not.  You two are like brothers.  You’re the youngest, you should stick together.”

I looked over at my father. He frowned, but his eyes looked supportive.  “Mom…listen…Justin and I…we’re in…”

“James, listen to me.”  She turned around to look at me, her eyes full of tears.  “You have a separate life in Florida.  That life has nothing to do with me or what I think, okay?”

“Mama.” I used the word from my childhood. “Mama, please…I love him…he loves me…and someday he’ll be coming home with me to visit.  And you’ll come to Florida.”

“We’ll see.” Her lips were a thin line.  “Go wash up for lunch.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I trudged off to the bathroom.

 

The rest of my “vacation” was stiff and uncomfortable. I knew my mother was upset, was hurt, even slightly embarrassed, but I didn’t back down. She had a picnic for some of my old friends, and I noticed a few new girls my age. I was polite, but they definitely left that picnic knowing I wasn’t available.  My mother snapped at me when the day was over.

“James, why couldn’t you have at least agreed to meet them for lunch or something before you leave?  Janet’s daughter, Sophia, she’s beautiful!”

“Yes, she is,” I said simply, flipping through a magazine.

“And those eyes…so blue. Beautiful curly hair…”

“Mom, if you like her so much, YOU date her,” I snapped finally. She looked as if I had slapped her. Even my dad looked surprised.  “Mom, I HAVE a gorgeous person with blue eyes and curly hair.  He’s waiting for me in Florida.  The end, okay?”  I stomped up the steps.

 

When I finally left two days later, my mother’s eyes were sad.  “I try to understand, James…it’s just not right to me. God meant for men to love women and women to love men.”

“God meant for us to love one another and be happy, Mama,” I said gently as I hugged her goodbye. “Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“Of course, James.  But this…it’s hard.”  She shook her head but kissed me.

“Have a safe trip, Son.”  My dad hugged me hard.

“Thanks,” I whispered. It was nice to know someone in my family was trying to understand.

 

When I arrived back at my little house, I saw Justin’s car in the driveway. I had given him a key so he could check on things, but I figured he had spent most of his time there while I was gone.  If I lived with Joey, I’d want to get out, too.  When I made my way through the house, I found him in the kitchen, spreading peanut butter on crackers.

“HEY!”  Justin yelled with his mouth full. He jumped up and threw himself at me. “God, Lance, I missed you!”

“Euww…no peanut butter kisses.” I gently pushed him away, still kind of down from the last moments with my mom.

Justin obediently drank down the last of his milk and grabbed a napkin to wipe his mouth.  “Better?”

“Better.” I let him give me a sweet kiss. He sighed and smiled down at me.

“Missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” I went to the foyer and picked up a suitcase.  Justin followed on my heels and grabbed the other bag.  We went upstairs to my bedroom.  Justin put the suitcase down and flopped onto the bed.

“How MUCH did you miss me?”  He squirmed around provocatively and I had to smile.

“Horny much?”

“For you? Hell, yes.”  Justin leaned his head on one elbow and looked up at me.  “Lance, I went crazy thinking of you. I even had dirty DREAMS about you!”

“You did?” I blushed at the thought as I opened my suitcase.

“Yes, I did.  But mostly I just missed you.” He smiled up at me and I turned my back, remembering what my mother had said.  How in the world could my feelings for Justin be wrong?  “Hey…Chris is having a barbeque tonight…just for the five of us…I said we’d go…but if you want to stay home and veg, it’s cool with me.” 

I turned around.  “Just the five of us?”

“Yeah.  JC is back from his little tryst.  I made him tell me who his boyfriend is.” Justin’s eyes were huge.  “I never knew he was gay.  Shocked the hell out of me.”

“Which is how people will think about you if you tell them,” I reminded him, shoving socks in a drawer.

“What do you mean, if?  You’re my boyfriend, that’s all there is to it.”

I sat on the edge of the bed.  “Justin, I…”

“If you say you think I’m going through a phase, I will punch you,” Justin said darkly.  “I’ve thought a lot this weekend, and…”

“Justin, let me finish,” I snapped.  “I hope you realize what it’s like to be a homosexual in this society…in this JOB, for God’s sake. It isn’t easy. Why do you think I haven’t really come out? I knew it would possibly hurt the group…and I think we need to be careful.”

“I don’t want to hide what I feel for you, Lance,” Justin insisted.

“You don’t have to…around certain people.” I stood up.  “Go call Chris…tell him we’ll be at his shindig.  I need to unpack.”

“Cool.”  Justin kissed me again, then bounced off to use the phone in another room. I sighed and sat back down on the bed, tshirt in hand. I stared into space, thinking about my mother and what she had said…and what the general public would think if we came out.

 

The steaks were already sizzling when we arrived at Chris’ house.  Joey and Chris were splashing around while JC did the steaks.  “Chris let you grill?” Justin asked, shocked.

“Yeah…he’s feeling generous today,” JC said with a grin.  He hugged us both.  “How was your weekend at the cabin?”

“Awesome,” Justin said, blushing slightly.  JC and I chuckled.  “I’m…well…I’m gonna go swim.” Justin took off for the pool. JC looked at me.

“You guys had sex?”

“Um…well…yeah…” I mumbled.  JC put down his grilling tools and led me away from the side of the pool.

“And?”

I couldn’t help the smile. “It was incredible.”

“Pitch or catch?”

“Catch,” I said, not believing I was having this conversation.

“How big is he really?”

“JC!”

“Well…I’ve seen him, you know, changing, but I didn’t want to out and out STARE.  How big.”

“Big enough,” I said, and the look in my eyes must’ve said it all.

“Damn. Sweet. I’m jealous. Wanna trade?”

“For what you’re with?  No thanks.  How was your trip, by the way?”

“Wonderful,” JC said blissfully.  He looked at me carefully.  “I’m thinking about coming out. I want to talk to everyone about it first…but he says HE’S ready, and I think I am too. I’m tired of hiding.”

I stared at him. “Whoa, JC, that’s serious.  But you know we’re both behind you…and I think Joey will be, too.  Chris…well…I hope so.”

“Thanks, Lance.”  He started to walk back to the grill, then turned around.  “Things didn’t go well at home, did they?”

“No,” I said, surprised.

“I can tell…your eyes are sad.” JC was lucky enough to have a very supportive family. I knew they knew he was gay.  “Sorry.”

“Well, maybe someday,” I said with fake cheerfulness. He slapped me on the back and we went back to the grill.

 

JC brought up his situation as soon as we sat down to eat. Joey and Chris froze.  Justin just looked at JC, surprised he was willing to take this step.  “So, you’re gay?”  Chris asked.  JC nodded.  “Whoa.”

“You wanna come out…just tell the world?” Joey asked. JC nodded again.  “This could be big.”

“DAMN big,” JC corrected.  He looked at us all.  “And actually, I don’t have to, if you guys don’t…”

“Fuck us, JC,” Chris said.  “This is your life, and if you want to live it openly and fairly, come out.  I don’t care.  If this group breaks up tomorrow, it has been a great ride so far.  We’d all still be brothers, still be friends, and we all have enough money to get by.”

“Wow, Chris, thanks.” JC looked at the rest of us and we all nodded in agreement.  “Thanks, guys, this has really been on my heart for a while.”

“Look, while we’re on the subject…” I began timidly, looking a Justin. He gave me a reassuring smile.

“Wait one second, Lance.  Excuse me for interrupting.”  Chris turned to Justin. “Tell me about that date with Britney. What was up with that? I thought you guys were done…and then I walk into that restaurant and she’s all over you.  And that dress she was hardly wearing?  Damn.”

Justin’s eyes grew huge as he looked at me.  JC’s mouth fell open, as did Joey’s.  I stood up so fast I almost knocked my chair over.  “Lance…” Justin said weakly.

“I need fresh air.” I strode back into the house to go out the front door.

“But we’re outside,” I heard Chris say.

“Lance!”  Justin yelled after me, but I jogged through the house and almost ran out the door.  I hurried down the sidewalk.

“Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck why did I fucking trust him!” I muttered to myself. I  wanted to scream but I didn’t think Chris’ neighbors needed to hear my profanities.  “I told him I loved him.  Fuck, I was stupid.”

“Lance…Lance…wait…” I heard Justin run up behind me.  He grabbed my shoulder to stop me. “Let me explain.”

“You’re right…bi is probably MUCH more accepted than full out gay,” I said angrily, jerking my arm away.

“Let me explain. Five minutes, please,” Justin begged, and I saw tears in his eyes.  I stood and looked at him stonily.  “Okay…she called me and we went out for dinner.  It was on a friendship basis for me, anyway, but it was a good thing. I remembered you always saying that this was a phase for me…that I was really straight and just experimenting…and I began to think that if anyone could make me realize I was straight, it was Brit.  So I went out and acted like we were on a date…I really tried to like her, be attracted to her…but it wasn’t there. I could only think of YOU, Lance…and at the end of the night, I told her about us.”

“You TOLD her?” I gasped.

“Yes.  I told her I loved you, and that you loved me, and that we were together. She was shocked, but she was cool about it.”  Justin’s face was miserable.  “I love you, Lance, and I’m sorry…I was really just trying to see…I knew my feelings for you were strong, but they’re so strong they scared me. And I thought maybe you were right, I mean, hell, you’re right all the time about everything else…and I wanted to make sure before it went further.  But I know. I know now. I love you, Lance, please, don’t be mad at me, forgive me….”

“Of course I forgive you, Justin. I love you, too.” We hugged each other fiercely.  I finally pulled back.  “Now let’s go back and tell Chris what’s up.”

“I already told him,” Justin said softly.  “He pissed me off by saying that and I screamed at him.”

“You screamed at him?” I asked, amused.  Justin nodded.  “Cool.”

We walked back to Chris’ house with our arms around each other.

 

God, it’s out of my hands…I’m shameless…’Cause I don’t have the power now…I don’t want it anyhow…so I’ve gotta let it go…

 

 

“He sounds wonderful,” Veronica said sympathetically.

“He IS,” I said. I felt my eyes fill with tears and I clumsily wiped them away.

“Why don’t we go up to your room?  You’re staying here, right?”

I nodded, then regretted it.  I groaned slightly.  I carefully stood, then gave her a smile.  “You know, women ask me to go up to my room with them all the time…this is the first time I’ve ever said yes.”

“I guess I should feel grateful, then,” Veronica said, laughing out loud.

I threw down a wad of bills, including a huge tip for the friendly bartender. I thanked him and started to walk away.  He spoke to Veronica for a moment, then she hurried after me.  “What did he say?”

“He asked me to tell him the rest of the story sometime.  He’s into it.”

 

I still wanted to talk to Chris, and as soon as Justin and I got back to his house, I managed to pull Chris aside.  “I need to talk to you.” He led the way into his den.

I paced.  I never did feel very comfortable around Chris when we were alone.  “I won’t tell him,” Chris said suddenly. I stopped pacing. “That’s what you wanted to talk about, right?”

“Well, um, kinda,” I stammered.

“Look…Lance…that time…when we…you know…it’s not something I like to think about.  I treated you like shit, then took advantage of you. I’m sorry.”

I hadn’t expected this.  “Well, thanks, Chris.”

“You’re welcome.” He studied me.  “So…you and Justin. Surprised the shit outta me.”

“Me too,” I admitted with a smile.

“You guys gonna come out like JC?”

“I don’t know. It’s too soon for all that,” I said, and he nodded.

“Well, if you do, you know me and Joe are with you.” I nodded again. He stood and hugged me.  “Damn…your boy has a temper!  He got in my face and screamed at me.”

“What did he say?”

“Let me think.”  Chris paused.  “You big-mouthed prick!  Why can’t you keep your fucking mouth shut?  I wasn’t on a DATE with Britney…I love Lance!  I love Lance, and if you didn’t just scare him away forever, I’m gonna move in with him, you dickhead!”

“Damn!”  I gasped, shocked.  “Sorry.”

“For what?  I’M sorry. I didn’t know what was going on.”  Chris hugged me again.  “Let’s go out back.  We never really did get to eat.”

 

Justin’s car was at my house, so he drove back with me.  We stood between our cars, talking.  “You haven’t told me how your trip was,” Justin said softly.

“Oh, good. I ate WAY too much.”

“Anything else?”

Already he could see right through me.  “I told my mom about you…about us.” I felt myself tear up and I looked away. “She likes you…a lot…but she thinks it’s wrong.”

“God, Lance…I’m so sorry.” Justin wiped away a tear that slid down my cheek.  “I told my mom, too.”

“You did?”

“Yeah…she was shocked to hell and back…but I think she’ll be okay.”

“That’s good.” I looked at him.  “Would you like to stay here tonight?”

The beautiful smile flashed out.  “I thought you’d never ask.”

 

That first night was totally rated G…we just enjoyed the feeling of having someone to be with.  Justin knew I was hurt about what had happened with my mother, and he held me all night long. After that, however, it was like we were sixteen again.  We were two bundles of raging hormones who couldn’t keep our hands off each other.  We didn’t leave the house for two days.

I was half-dozing after receiving the best blowjob in the history of the world on the third day.  Justin was lazily running his fingers up and down my spine.  “Lance?”

“Mmm?”

“What’s it like?”

“Wha?”

“Sex?”

I opened one eye.  “Justin, if we haven’t been having sex…what the hell HAVE we been doing?”

He laughed.  “I mean…sex…on the other side…like…catching.”  Justin actually blushed.

“You’ve been talking to JC again, haven’t you?” I asked, chuckling at his choice of words.  “It’s…I dunno…I guess I’m just a passive person…I don’t mind being the “catcher.”  It’s just…you get just filled…and I don’t know…when you’re in me…it just is so complete.  Like we’re really connected.”  I frowned.  “This isn’t coming out the way I want it to.”

“No…I think I understand.”  Justin looked at me.  “I mean, taking you…I feel this power…but yet at the same time I want to be so gentle…just love you until you scream.”

“You usually do,” I said, blushing myself.

“Lance…don’t you want to make love to me?”

I almost fell off the bed.  “Excuse me?”

“Well…you never ask…to make love to me…and I didn’t know if you didn’t want me like that or something.”

“Justin Randall Timberlake, the curls have finally affected your brain,” I said affectionately.  “First of all…I feel that we don’t really make love TO each other, it’s more WITH each other.  And I love the feel of you inside me. It’s just…” I tried to make it sound right.  “I figured you might have had, you know, that kind of sex with a girl, but you obviously hadn’t been on the receiving end…so you might not have been interested.”

“You were trying to protect me,” Justin said, and I blushed again.

“Well…um…kinda.”

“You are so wonderful, Lance Bass.”  Justin covered my face with aggressive kisses until I laughed.  “I want to feel that…what you feel. I want you to make love to me, Lance.”

I stared at him, unable to find my voice for a few seconds.  This gorgeous man…beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, beautiful body, beautiful soul…he wanted me to make love to him?

“Lance…” Justin’s blue eyes studied my face worriedly.  “You don’t have to…I mean…I…”

I silenced him with a fierce kiss. It wasn’t often I felt aggressive, but I felt the rush that I had felt with JC so long ago.  I attacked Justin’s mouth with my own, nibbling at his bottom lip, sucking on his tongue. I felt his whimper more than I heard it.  I rolled over, pressing him down on his back.  My hand slid across his chest to his cock. Damn he was hard.  “Justin…holy shit…” I murmured, licking at a nipple before I moved down to suck him.  He was like silk in my mouth.

“Lance…yes yes yes…” Justin gasped, arching up to me.  I enjoyed his hardness for a few moments more, then I stood.  Justin whimpered again and looked up at me with disappointment in his eyes.  “What…”  My eyes roamed his body as I walked over to the dresser. I dug through a drawer and pulled out a new tube of lubricant and a condom.  He gave me a curious look.  “A full one?”

“You’re gonna be good and ready before I do this, Justin. It hurts like hell the first time…and I do NOT want to hurt you.”  I stood by the bed, idly touching myself. I couldn’t believe I was hard already…but the whole situation had my mind and body on overload.  Justin sat up quickly and scooted to the edge of the bed.  He eagerly reached for me, but I slapped his hands away.  “No.  This is all you.”

I gently lay him back down and began to kiss him, slowly making love to his mouth with my own.  I took my sweet time kissing my way down his chest, spending ample time at his nipples.  He was soon moaning beneath me. I settled down between his legs, planting a string of kisses down his cock.  I had touched him before, used my fingers once or twice, but nothing intense.  This time, however, every sensation…every feeling…every motion…was intense to me.  I licked a line from his balls to his ass, and Justin almost screamed, thrusting up off the bed. I had never attempted this before, had never done it with ANYONE.

“Holy shit, Lance…what are you…holy fuck…” Justin panted for breath as I lifted him up to my mouth, letting my tongue invade where only my fingers had gone.  “Yes…oh Lance…so good…”

I gently released his body so I could open the lubricant.  I practically soaked my fingers, then slowly worked one in.  “Holy hell…Justin…you are so damn tight…” I worked with that finger for a while before adding a second.

“More…oh Lance…I love you…more…please…” I decided then and there that there was nothing as erotic as a begging Justin.  I slid in a third finger, moving slowly.  “Please…”

I placed the condom on myself and made sure to use practically half the lubricant.  I lifted his legs and placed them against my chest.  I pressed at his opening and he winced.  “I’ll go slow…I’ll try not to hurt you…” I promised, pushing again.  I saw an anguished look cross his face.  “No. No way. I’m not doing this,” I said, starting to pull away.

“Lance…please…I need you inside me…” Justin’s eyes seemed to bore a hole right through me.  I placed my hands on his thighs and slowly pushed.  “Oh…fucking shit…Lance…that hurts…oh God…” Justin’s eyes rolled back into his head as he grabbed at the sheets.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…” I whispered, freezing for a moment.  I slowly began to slide in and out. “Oh…Justin…” I tried to keep my movements slow, but his tightness was driving me insane. I had forgotten how it felt.

“Lance…oh…God…” His voice moved from pain to ecstasy, or a place safely in between.  “Don’t stop…” He whispered something else I couldn’t hear.

“What, Justin?”

“Fuck me…fuck me please…” His voice was harsh as he almost glared up at me, and I realized that even in this position, he was the aggressor and I was the victim.  “Harder…harder, Lance.”

I slammed into him as hard as I could, and I reached down to stroke his cock.  He moved his hand up so I could suck on his fingers.  I imagined the suction around my cock at the same time, and I felt myself suddenly surge close to the edge.  “Justin…I’m…I’m so…”

“Yes!”  Justin almost shouted, thrusting up into my hand even as I thrust into him.  His cum shot over us as I slammed into him a final time.  “Oh…Lance…”

I slowly pulled out, discarded the condom, and fell onto the bed.  “Are you okay?” I asked him. He nodded, eyes closed.

“Incredible…I can see what you meant now…everything you described…” He turned to face me.  “I love you, Lance.  Thank you…for showing me how wonderful every single thing can be.”

“You’re welcome.” I leaned my head against his and we finally slept.

 

November

 

We were in our new house by the Fourth of July.  It was everything I had dreamed of.  A huge bedroom where we could spend all kinds of naughty time together, but a house big enough that if we needed space, we had it.  Justin spent time on the basketball court with friends while I worked on business stuff, and we had the rest of the guys over often.  A few of Justin’s friends weren’t happy about our relationship, but he made it clear that if they couldn’t accept me, then he couldn’t accept their friendship.

 

We went to my mother’s for Thanksgiving. She begged me to come, and I finally said yes, on the condition that Justin would go with me. She was quiet for a moment, then finally agreed.

Convincing Justin was another matter entirely. He flat out refused.  He said his own mother needed him there…I reminded him we would be at her house for Christmas.  He said he didn’t feel like traveling all the way to Mississippi…I reminded him that he had had no problem traveling “all the way” to Tennessee to his cabin, even after a long and grueling tour.  I finally got out of him that he didn’t want to cause any more trouble between my mother and I. I went off.

“Justin, why don’t you let ME worry about my family and the way we get along, okay?  That isn’t your job. Your job is to look good and be in my bed when I want you there.” I stared at him, horrified at the words that had come out of my mouth. I didn’t mean them, and I knew he KNEW I didn’t mean them, but hurt washed over his gorgeous face.

“Okay.”  He turned on one heel and left the room.  I wheeled around and punched the first solid thing I could come in contact with, which happened to be a picture framed in glass.  Glass shattered and I cursed out loud, gripping my hand.  I fell to my knees, almost sobbing.  Pain shot through my hand and arm, but more than that I was crying from guilt.  I was furious with my mother for the way she was dealing with the situation, and I was furious with myself for taking it out on Justin.  I felt soft hands unclench my fingers slowly, and then a wet towel was rubbing over my right hand.  I couldn’t look at him.

“I didn’t mean that.”

“I know.”  He didn’t look at me, just carefully cleaned my cuts and applied first aid cream.

“She pisses me off. You’re wonderful and she needs to know that.”

“Lance, she’s your mom. She wants you to meet a beautiful woman, settle down, and have ten kids.”

“I have a beautiful man, I AM settled down, and we can get ten dogs.”

“Cats.”

“Dogs.”

“Cats.” I was finally smiling as Justin argued with me.  “I won’t go if it’s a problem, Lance.”

“Let me deal with them, okay,” I said softly, and he nodded.  He carefully wrapped my hand with gauze, and kissed the skin by my wrist.  “I love you, Justin.”  He nodded again, his eyes reflecting my feelings.

 

“James, what happened to your hand?” My mother gasped as soon as we entered the house.

“I got mad and punched something,” I said simply, hugging her, then my father.

“Hmmph.  You wouldn’t have done that before,” she muttered.  I glared at her.

“Mom, Dad, you remember Justin,” I said, stepping back. Justin bashfully smiled.

“Mr. Bass…Mrs. Bass.”

“Hello, Justin…good to see you again,” my father said, shaking his hand.

“Justin,” my mother almost snapped.  I sighed but said nothing, rolling my eyes at Justin behind her back.  “Lance, you’ll have your room, of course, and Justin, I have this guest room set up for you.” She led the way upstairs and I couldn’t help but grin. She had put him in the furthest possible room from mine.  “Get settled in, boys. I’m making a light dinner tonight…I still have a lot to do for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.” She went downstairs and I felt as well as heard Justin let out a huge breath.

“She hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” I contradicted.  “She hates my boyfriend. You just happen to be him.”

“Oh, gee, thanks.”

“But I love you,” I murmured, pushing him into his room and closing the door behind us.

“Lance, no!”  Justin almost squeaked as I pushed him back on the bed. I gave him a long, sensuous kiss, grinding my body against him.

“Justin, I love you, and not for ONE minute do I want you to forget it, okay?  Not one time this entire weekend. I love you, and that is ALL that should matter.”

“Okay,” he said, nodding.  He looked so tasty I had to kiss him again.

 

My sister Stacey brought her boyfriend to dinner the next day, and while she and I helped my mother in the kitchen, Mom couldn’t help but bring things up. “He’s such a nice man, Stacey.  A lot of children in his family?”

“He’s one of four kids,” my sister replied, watching my mother carefully. I concentrated on the mixer, watching the potatoes whirl around.

“Does he want a lot of children?”

“Two or three, he said.  He’s really into family.”

“Family…grandchildren. I can’t wait to see my grandchildren.”  My mother gave me a pointed look.  “Well…at least I have you to give them to me,” she said, looking at Stacey.  I ignored her and dug in a drawer for a spoon.  “And such a handsome man, too.”

“She’s right, Stace,” I said, unable to keep quiet a second longer.  “If me and Justin don’t work out, and you guys don’t work out, could I have a crack at him? He’s a hottie.”  I took the potatoes out, plunked them on the table, then went to find Justin.  He was watching football with my father and Stacey’s boyfriend, John.  I decided not to disturb him. I wasn’t into football myself, so it was nice for him to find someone to bond with.

“She doesn’t mean it,” I heard Stacey say behind me. I turned and saw her smiling at me.  “She loves you…but she doesn’t understand.”

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Yeah, you should have. It was great!”  Stacey said, giggling.  “I love you, Lancey.”

“I love you, too, Stace.” I hugged her tight.

 

We sat down for dinner and my mother looked at my father expectantly, waiting for him to give thanks. “I think we’ll let our son do that,” he said, smiling at me.  She stared at me curiously but said nothing.  I smiled at him gratefully and we bowed our heads. I reached under the table and took Justin’s hand.  He was seated on my right, Stacey on my left.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you so much for each and every person at this table. I thank you that we were able to make it here after another year of blessings that you have given us. I thank you for loving parents who always provided for us, and who prepared such a wonderful meal. I thank you for a wonderful sister, Stacey, and her friend, John. Please watch over them and guide them in their relationship.

“Father God, I ask that you watch over Justin whenever I’m not with him. Watch over me for him as well, and watch over us even when we’re together.  The road before us is far from easy, but together our love can conquer anything. Please bless our friends…the friends who support and love us as well as the friends who are less understanding.  Guide us all throughout each day, and help us to return to this table safely next year. In your name, Amen.”  I raised my head and looked at Justin.  He excused himself and left the table…I knew he was ready to cry.  I myself had to swallow tears…I was more thankful for him than I had imagined.

“So…James…Christmas?”  My mother asked as my dad carved the turkey. I looked at her in confusion. “I suppose you’ll be at Justin’s family’s house?”

“His mom’s, yes,” I replied. 

“You know you’re welcome here,” she said as Justin returned to the dining room. He almost froze in the doorway, shocked.

“Yes, I know…but since we came her for Thanksgiving, it’s only fair to go there for Christmas,” I said.  She nodded, and Justin silently slipped into his chair, squeezing my hand under the table.

“Very well…maybe next year we can switch…you two can come for Christmas.”  She looked at Justin for the first time.  “Would your mother mind?”

“No, ma’am…I think that would suit her just fine,” he said, and he squeezed my hand tighter.

 

DECEMBER

 

Christmas was a lot easier.  Justin’s mother was a little upset still, but she handled things with a grace that surprised me. She treated me like another son, and when I saw the gift under the tree with my name on it, I was touched.  Justin and I set our alarms for seven Christmas morning, and we went out for a walk together, celebrating in our own way.  He gave me a gorgeous Rolex watch, and I gave him a gold signet ring to wear on his pinky finger.  Every time he moved his hands that day, the ring flashed and reminded me of his bright smile.

After a busy morning and a huge lunch, I sat by his side with his family as we watched TV.  I sighed.  It couldn’t get better than this.

 

But it did.  We had decided that we wanted to spend New Year’s Eve on our own, and though Joey begged, pleaded and cried for us to come to his huge bash, we politely declined.  We packed up the car with a few things and went to the airport.  We caught a flight on New Year’s Eve day, and made it to the cabin by six in the evening.

When the clock struck midnight, we were in each other’s arms in front of the fire.  We toasted with champagne, and then the first three hours of the year 2001 were spent making love…making promises…and making 2001 definitely a year to remember.

 

I threw a huge surprise birthday party for Justin’s twentieth birthday.  And I was actually able to surprise him.  He started sniffing around about a party almost three weeks before his birthday, and JC and Joey did an excellent job of convincing him that they were throwing him a party by totally being obvious about it.  They discussed caterers and invitations when he was within earshot, and Joey even had a bag of balloons “accidentally” dumped all over the back of his car.  Meanwhile I was planning a huge bash at our house.  I got the newest caterer in town to set up a big backyard picnic in an enclosed tent.  A DJ was set up in a separate tent, and a third tent was for dancing.  JC and Joey took him out shopping for his present, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him as shocked as he was when I led him into the backyard after their return. He was truly surprised, and he gave me a huge kiss in front of everyone.

That surprised me as much as he had been surprised. A lot of people knew by now that we were an item, but we tried to keep the PDA’s to a minimum. But I didn’t care. It was Justin’s day and I wanted him to be happy.  And he did seem happy.  He was carousing with friends, drinking a bit but not TOO much…I made sure of that.  I even turned my head when he dirty danced with Britney. I wasn’t going to ruin his day.

My life seemed to revolve around making Justin happy, and I didn’t mind that lifestyle one bit. He made me happy too…just by being Justin. I was deliriously in love with him, and I knew he felt pretty much the same way.  He was an obnoxious child at times, true, but he could be so sweet, so caring, that I forgot the childishness in an instant.  When I was sick he brought me soup, when I was tired he cradled my head on his lap for a nap.  He was everything I had been looking for…and I wished we had the liberty to make things more permanent.  I wasn’t really a big believer in the whole commitment ceremony.  People I knew had done it, and I knew JC and his boyfriend were discussing it, but I didn’t feel I needed it. If Justin wanted it, of course, I would have done it in a heartbeat, but he hadn’t mentioned it.

That worried me.  I knew things had rushed fast, but I just felt that we were meant to be…and I wanted him to know how strong my feelings truly were.  I decided to buy him a present…a special present…a gift that would show what he meant in my life.

I started looking and couldn’t find anything.  We were going on tour in the spring, and I really wanted to find something special for him.  I scoured the jewelry stores in the area, which was different since Justin and I were rarely apart. I finally had to lie to him and create imaginary business meetings just to get out of the house.  It wasn’t too big of a problem spending all my time with him though; once the tour would start we’d be together constantly but never for any quality time.

Two weeks before the tour began, during a precious two-hour break in rehearsals, I found what I wanted.  It was a gorgeous gold chain, sprinkled with diamond dust.  On the back I could have something engraved, and I chose, “Till the day my life is through…”.  It would be ready in a week and I was ecstatic.  I could pick it up before we left. I planned on giving it to him after the first show of the tour.

We packed up our lives, doing the usual pre-tour work, but everything was different this time. We would have each other, but we got on each other’s nerves on tour when we WEREN’T a couple. Could we handle all the stress and still remain an Us?

They day before we were supposed to leave, we had a fight.  A HUGE fight. After it was said and done we couldn’t remember what it was about, but at the time it was big.  Chris and Joey were over, helping us load our things up, and something petty set Justin off.  As usual, I played the peacemaker, trying to calm him down.

“Justin, why don’t you just go inside and bring those bags out? I’ll fix things here,” I sighed. I was always fixing things for him.

“Why don’t you stop bossing me around, Lance?”

“Justin, I wasn’t bossing you around,” I said, surprised.  Chris dropped the bag he was holding, crossed his arms over his chest, and watched.

“No, you’re right…you were just telling me what to do yet again.  You’re ALWAYS telling me what to do.”

I stared at him.  “Justin, I make suggestions. Sometimes you don’t look at the big picture and…”

“Lance, you’re only two years older than me, and yet you act like my dad. I wish you’d stop it,” he snapped.  Hurt surged through me.

“Maybe if you learned to act your age,” I snapped back.  He raised an eyebrow.

“My age? I’d rather act like a teenager then an old man.  For fuck’s sake, Lance, you don’t even care about the performing anymore, do you? It’s all about business.”  He snorted.  “Not that you were all that good at the performing anyway.”

“What’s going on?” Joey asked, coming out of the house. 

“Shhh.  Cat fight,” Chris murmured.

“Excuse me?” I gasped.

“You barely make it through the choreography, and the only reason you’re still IN the group is because we need your voice range.”  We both knew this wasn’t true. I had been working hard with Justin AND JC to get the dance moves down, and I was doing really well. Even I thought so.

“Well, Justin, I’m surprised we even HAVE a group, since your ego is big enough to be its OWN group,” I growled back.  I heard Joey and Chris gasp, and I myself was surprised.  “Why don’t you just go solo and let us be what we’re supposed to be…a group…an equal partnership.  You don’t even know HOW to be part of a group anymore, Justin…all you care about is Justin Timberlake…when he gets a solo, when he gets to dance in the front, when he gets to be in the front of the magazine pictures.”  Once again, we both knew this wasn’t true.  Justin was more than happy to stand in back of anything as long as he got to sing SOMETHING.

This time Justin looked hurt, and I felt a mean happiness.  “You’re an asshole, Lance.”

“Fuck you, Justin,” I retorted.  We glared at each other.

“No…fuck you, Lance. Actually, fucking you was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have stayed with Britney.” He turned on one heel and marched into the house. I finally crumpled, leaning against Joey’s truck for support.  Joey and Chris looked from me to the house, with Joey finally coming to me while Chris slowly walked towards the front door.  A huge crash startled us and we all went running.

Justin was on his knees in the living room, surrounded by glass.  He slowly picked up a large piece, not even noticing that it was cutting his palm.  He looked up at me, eyes full of tears.  Joey hurried off to the kitchen for a towel. I knelt beside Justin.

“What happened?”  Chris gasped.

“I was tearing through here…and my sleeve caught it…and…and it fell.”  Justin’s face was full of misery.  “I swear to God I didn’t mean to break it, Lance…I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay, Justin,” I said softly, cradling another piece in my hands.  While on a short vacation around Easter, we had found a huge crystal shop, and had ordered a large angel made. It was about a foot and a half tall, and its wings were gracefully spread.  I had told Justin once that he had a voice like an angel, and he had gently contradicted me, telling me that I was his guardian angel.  So the figurine meant something special to both of us. It was one of a kind, designed by the two of us.

“I didn’t mean…it fell…it fell apart.”  Justin allowed Joey to wrap his hand.  “I didn’t mean it…I didn’t mean for it to fall apart…” I knew he meant more than the figurine.

“I know…I know you didn’t…I didn’t either…” I cradled him in my arms, shame filling me.  “I’m so sorry, Justin. I’m so sorry I said such awful things.”

“No.” Justin pushed me away.  “It was ME. I said awful things.  Lance, you bring so much to the group…you are a wonderful singer…I love that you’re part of NSYNC.”

“And I know you don’t want to go solo…it was the only bad thing I could come up with,” I admitted, smiling through my own tears.  Justin giggled, then sobered.  He looked up at Joey and Chris, who discreetly left the room to finish packing Joey’s truck.

“Lance…what I said…about you…about Britney…I didn’t mean it. I SO didn’t mean it…finding you was the best thing that could have ever happened to me…and I LOVE making love to you.  Can you ever EVER forgive me?”

“Already forgiven,” I said, smiling at him.  He hugged me tighter and I could sense his guilt.  I hugged him back as we sat in the pile of glass shards.  His words had hurt, but I felt that we could make it through everything.  I was wrong.

 

“Paradise Lost”

 

Three days before we were set to go on tour, I was able to pick up Justin’s present. I was practically jumping up and down with anticipation, but I was able to calmly look at him across the breakfast table and say, “I have some errands to run.  I shouldn’t be long.”

“That’s okay,” he said with a shrug.  This surprised me.  We had practically been attached at the hip for the last week, not wanting to waste any together time. “I need to do some stuff, too…shop for my mom.”

“Oh, shit,” I moaned, burying my face in my hands. “Mother’s Day. I better find something, too.”

“Lance Bass forgetting Mother’s Day?” Justin walked over to the window.  “Are pigs flying?”

“I’ve been distracted,” I pointed out, and Justin blushed.  We had spent the day before rechristening our house. I was surprised we could even walk.  “I’ll pick something up today.”

 

I made myself stop at a few stores and choose some gifts for my mother before hitting the jewelry store.  I even went to the post office first to mail the gifts.  Finally I was at the store. I took a deep breath and went inside.  The clerk recognized me instantly.

“Ah, Mr. Bass!  Your item is ready. Would you like to see it?”

Would I?  “Yes, please.” I didn’t know why I was so nervous.  What if Justin didn’t like it? What if he thought it was cheesy or lameass?  “Oh,” I said weakly as the clerk took it out of the box.  The diamond dust glittered, and I flipped the chain over.  There it was.  “Till the day my life is through…” I read softly.

“Is it okay?”

I smiled so big I thought my face would split. “Absolutely perfect.”

“Would you like it wrapped?”

“Yes…please…” I said, still in shock. It was perfect.  Beautiful and shining and gorgeous. Just like my Justin.

The clerk wrapped it, I signed for it, and it was in my pocket.  I was so deep in my thoughts of the perfect way to give it to him that I didn’t watch where I was going. I ran straight into someone.

“Oh, I’m sorry…Lance?”

“Justin, what are you doing here?” I immediately turned red. I was awful at keeping secrets.

“I’m shopping, remember? For my mom.  How about you?”

I clutched the bag tighter.  “Me too. Shopping.  For my mom. Want me to wait for you?”

“Um…no.  I have some other stuff to do.  Actually…” Justin leaned in closer.  “I was thinking you could be home waiting for me.  Naked.”

“Justin!” I whispered, blushing.  “Aren’t you tired of me yet?”

“No way…I have some new ideas…” he whispered in my ear for a bit until I was firetruck red.  “Will you wait for me that way?”

“Yes,” I whispered.  I almost ran over a woman and her baby stroller on my way to the escalator. I could hear him chuckling as he went into the jewelry store.

THREE DAYS LATER

“I have arrived!”  Chris said cheerfully, falling onto JC, who was stretched out on the sofa.

“Get off of me, you pig,” JC snapped, shoving Chris onto the floor of the bus.  “You need to work off some of that weight.”

“You need to put some on, Stick Boy.”  Chris leaned back against the sofa.

“What about JC’s stick? I want to know,” Joey said, following Justin up the steps of the bus. I was already on the bus, deep into some paperwork.

“I want to know, too,” Justin said.  He and Joey flopped onto the floor by Chris, looking up at JC eagerly.

“Excuse me?” I raised an eyebrow at my boyfriend.  He smiled sweetly.

“I want to know.  You…” My eyes opened wide as he caught himself just in time.  I looked at JC and glared at Justin.  He was about to say something about me knowing, and Chris and Joey didn’t need to hear about all that.  “You want to know too, I bet,” Justin finished quickly.

“I have no interest in JC’s stick,” I replied, looking back down at my work.

“Lance,” JC said, acting hurt.  “I’m insulted.”

“We want to know. Tell us, tell us,” Joey chanted.

“You’d only get jealous.” JC stood, stretched, and ran an idle hand over his groin before wandering back to his bunk area. I chuckled as I read. I felt a body drape itself over my feet and looked down.  Justin had curled himself around my legs on the floor. He looked up at me adoringly.

“Good?”

I knew what he meant. He had asked quietly enough that Joey and Chris hadn’t heard. “Very,” I finally said, and Justin smiled. “But you’re much better.”

“Thought so.” He settled back against me and began to argue with Chris about what to watch on TV.

 

Our dress rehearsal was disastrous. By the end, JC and Chris were about to kill each other, Joey had almost sprained his ankle, and Justin was sounding alarmingly hoarse. I was about ready to quit and go back to Mississippi.  We’d never make it through.

Justin and I were the first ones into the dressing area.  I was nervously pacing.  “We are gonna suck. We’re gonna bomb. We are SO gonna suck. They’ll kick us out of town.  They’ll ban us from this state.  We’re an embarrassment to anyone who EVER played or sang music.”

“Lance, calm down,” Justin said in a bored tone. He was bouncing a rubber ball off the wall as he lay on the sofa.  “We’re not gonna suck. Besides, we’re booked to do another show here tomorrow.  They can’t kick us out.”

“They can if we suck bad enough,” I retorted. He sighed.

“If you want something to suck, suck this.”  He pulled his half-erect cock out of his pants with one hand and continued to bounce the ball with the other.  My knees went weak and I whimpered, forgetting momentarily why I was freaking out.  The door opened and Justin tucked himself back in with lightening speed.

“Lance, you okay?  You look pale.” Chris clapped me on the shoulder as he walked by.

“Fine,” I said, sitting down hard.  “We’re gonna die.”

JC wandered in with Joey.  “Hey, Justin, Lance.”  He looked at Chris.  “I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” Chris said simply.  “Joey?  Ankle?”

“Good as new.”  He spun and jumped a bit.  “I took good care of it this afternoon.”

“Voice?”  JC turned to Justin.  Justin quickly did a few scales with perfect pitch and accuracy. I stared at them. As always, it amazed me how we managed to pull everything together at the last minute.

“We gonna do this?”  Joey asked, pulling out the hackey sac. 

“We’re gonna do this,” the other four of us said together.

 

The show was amazing. I don’t think we had ever been so ‘on.’  I know I hadn’t.  JC was a blur, running from one side of the stage to the other, looking as if someone had shot liquid cocaine through his veins.  Justin’s voice had never sounded more angelic, and he shook everything he had for all it was worth. Joey oozed, charm, flashing that smile and clowning around with Chris. Chris was pure craziness, jumping onto Joey’s back, stealing Justin’s hat, acting like his usual self.

We fell into the bus that would take us back to the hotel. I looked at everyone’s sweaty faces and grinned. “I love you guys.”

“I’m straight, Lance.”

“He’s taken, Chris.”

“He’s still hot.”

“You’re taken, too, JC.”

“You’re jealous, Justin.”

“Justin wants me.”

“No, Chris, only weirdos want you.”

“YOU’RE a weirdo, Joey.”

“I love you guys.”

“Love you, too, Lance.”

“Me too.”

“Me three.”

“And especially me.”

 

We plodded up to shower and change.  I knew JC was meeting up with his man, who had made it to the show a little late, but he still made it.  I had also caught sight of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and a few other celebrities backstage, but hadn’t talked to any of them.  Joey and Chris were planning on going out.  I had told Justin in no uncertain terms that he was NOT going out with them.  I had reservations and we were going out for a romantic dinner.

“Hey, Lance?”  Justin called to me from the shower.  “Christina and Britney are in this hotel, too. Wanna ask them to come for dinner with us?  Chris could bring her boyfriend, and Brit…well…she could bring her boobs or something.”

I howled with laughter.  “Sorry, Justin.  You little Mouseketeers can hook up another time. Tonight is for us.”

 

And it was perfect.  Candlelight dinner, excellent food, and Justin across the table from me.  No fans, just us.  I sighed happily as we took a taxi back to the hotel.  “You okay?”

“Just happy.” I reached across the backseat and took his hand.  “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”  He looked at his watch. “It’s early. Wanna walk?”

I remembered our first walk at a hotel and smiled.  “No. I have something for you up in the room.”

Justin leered at me. “Oh, REALLY?  My momma always told me not to follow strange men up to their rooms.”

“It will be worth your while…” I teased.  “Gutter brain.”

“Your sexy self is what keeps my brain in the gutter,” he pointed out as I paid the driver. 

We went upstairs, hardly able to keep our hands off each other.  We made it into my room before finally sharing a long kiss.  We were staying in my room, but Justin went to his every morning in every town to mess it up…no need for gossip.  Justin pulled off his shoes as I began to pace.

“Lance, calm down,” Justin said softly.

“No. I can’t.  I just…I love you.”

“I know that.”

“No, you don’t.” I went to my suitcase and pulled out the jewelry store bag.  Justin’s eyes widened.  “I need to tell you something.”

“Okay,” he said slowly.

I knelt before him. “Justin, I love you so much. I’ve always loved you as a friend, a brother, but over these months…damn…it’s been like a miracle.  You are everything…handsome, sweet, sexy, kind, smart, fun…I love you so damn much it drives me crazy sometimes.  I never knew what I wanted so badly was right in front of me.”

“I feel the same way,” Justin said softly. I hoped so.  I handed him the box.

“This is for you…to show you how I feel.”

He pulled the chain from the box, his mouth falling open.  “Oh…Lance…this must’ve cost you a fortune. I don’t think…” Justin read the other side of the chain and stopped talking.

“I don’t care.  You’re priceless…you deserve the best, baby.”  I took the chain and fastened it around his neck.  He stood and kissed me.

“Thank you so much, Lance.”

“Thank YOU, Justin.  For being everything I ever wanted.  The others…God…they were nothing compared to everything you made me feel, everything you give me.”

Justin smiled at his reflection in the mirror, lightly touching the chain.  “Others?  You been running around on me?”

“Of course not,” I said, pretending to be annoyed.

“You told me you and JC…what about these others?”

I frowned.  “Well…just two other times…not even worth mentioning…”

“Before JC or after?”  Justin turned around to look at me.

“Before,” I whispered.  He wasn’t smiling anymore.

“Before?  We were on tour a lot before.  You hussy, Lance,” he teased lightly, but his eyes didn’t smile.  “But two people…one night stands?”

“No…same two people…a few times…”

“Like I said, we were on tour…we didn’t even have the same crew all the time…the only people it could have been were…” The smile totally faded from his face.  “Joey and Chris.”

“Justin, listen. I…”

“You fucked Joey and Chris?”

“No, I didn’t!” I said honestly. “I never fucked them.  NEVER.”

“Blow jobs?”

“Well…”

“Hand jobs…”

“Justin…”

“Did you let them fuck you, Lance?”

“No!  Not Chris!” I said before I thought.  I saw tears leap into Justin’s eyes.

“I don’t believe this…just working your way down the line, were you?”

“Justin, no…I didn’t mean…” I stammered, but he was way past listening.

“Lance, you’re a slut,” Justin said slowly. He smiled grimly.  “That’s what we’ll do. Change our name. We are now N’Slut.”

“No, Justin…” I said, tears streaming down my face.  “You don’t understand. You’re the only one for me.”

“Sounds like there is no ONE person for you, Lance…I’m surprised you stayed with ME this long.”  He stared at me, blue eyes like ice.  “Remember once when you said you didn’t want to be a notch in my bedpost? I’m surprised you have a bedpost left, Lance.”  He took a small box out of his pocket and turned it around in his hands. “I’m sure glad Britney’s staying in this hotel tonight…now I can give her this engagement ring I bought her.”

“Justin, wait…JUSTIN!” I screamed.

But he was gone. Out the door. Out of my life.  I slowly changed clothes, grabbed my wallet, and went down to the bar.

 

 

Veronica took the keycard from me and unlocked my door.  “So THAT’S why I was drinking myself into oblivion downstairs.  I’ve lost him forever.”

“James, you don’t know that,” she insisted gently. She shut the door behind her and put my keycard on a table.  “You just need a chance to explain.”

“Lance,” I said, falling onto the sofa.  “Call me Lance, please.”

“Okay, Lance.”  Veronica sat next to me, gently stroking my hair. I began to cry and she pulled my head onto her sofa.  Even in my drunken state, I felt ashamed.

“I’m sorry…you don’t even know me.”

“It’s okay.  This is better than having some guy trying to get into my pants every five minutes anyway,” she said, and I sighed.

“I’m sure they’re very nice pants,” I said loyally, and she laughed out loud.

“Thank you.”  We were quiet for a moment. “Maybe he just needs time. I mean, your past is your business, not his, but I can see why he was hurt.”

“But he was gonna propose to Britney! He had the ring all the time!” I protested.

“I don’t know what to think about that one,” she admitted.  “I really think you just need to give him some space.”

“I don’t want space,” I whined. “I want Justin.”  The tears fell again and I cried like a teenage girl.

When the sobs finally subsided, Veronica said, “Why don’t you go soak in the tub or something, then go to bed. It will probably look better in the morning.”

“Can you stay?” I asked hopefully. She smiled and shook her head. 

“No…I have to get home. I have a six-year-old daughter and I need to be there in the morning.”  I stared at her.  “Yes…I know…what is a mother doing out hitting the bars at two in the morning?  Don’t ask…”

“I’m glad you were hitting this bar at two in the morning,” I told her, and she smiled at me.

“You’re a romantic, Lance…not many men like that…”

“I know one,” I sniffled.

“Stop it.  STOP thinking about it.  That’s an order,” she said, and I nodded, groaning as the room spun.  “I’m glad I won’t be seeing you tomorrow,” she said with a laugh.  “You’ll be sick as a dog.”

“Thank you,” I whispered as I stood by the door.  “For everything.”

“No problem.” Veronica sweetly kissed my lips, then handed me her business card.  “If you’re ever back in town…or if you’re NOT in town and want to email me…there it is.”

“Thanks,” I said. I opened the door and she stepped out into the hall.  My eyes grew huge as I saw Justin unlocking his own door.  “Oh…”

“Goodbye, Lance.”  She pulled the door shut before I could protest.  A few minutes later there was a knock. I opened the door and there was Veronica again.

“What did he say?”

Her eyes were sympathetic.  “He said that maybe you should give this to the next person on the list…I think he meant me.”  She held out a gold chain and tears hit my eyes again.  “Go take a bath, sweet Lance.  Go to sleep.” She handed me the chain, kissed my cheek, and went to the elevator.

I slowly closed the door to my suite, staring at the chain in my hand. I walked into the bathroom and started the hot water in the tub. I carefully set the chain on the vanity, and my eyes never left it during the entire bath.  When I got out and dried off, I continued to look at the chain. I finally put it around my neck, staring at myself in the mirror.  Justin had worn it, even if it was only for a short time…and right now this was the closest to him I was going to get.

 

Veronica was right.  I was sick as a dog the next day. I spent all morning in the bathroom, and had finally controlled my stomach by the time I had to go to rehearsal. I made sure to get there at the last minute; I didn’t want to run into anyone in the hotel.  I was shocked to see Britney sitting in the front row of seats.  “What’s she doing here?”

“Justin invited her. I thought he invited Christina, too, but I don’t see her.”  Chris looked at me closely.  “You okay?”

“Fine…tired…” I lied.  I went and sat on a stool by the keyboards.  Joey walked over.

“Lance, you look like freeze-dried shit,” he commented cheerfully.

“Thank you, Joey. I like knowing I can count on my friends,” I snapped, then sighed tiredly.  His brown eyes were concerned.

“Lance?”

“I’m fine.  I promise.  I drank too much last night.”

“YOU drank? I thought you and Justin were going for dinner.”

“We did.” I hoped my tone would give him the clue to leave me alone. It did.  Before long, however, JC wandered to my side.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide it from him.

“What happened?”

“I got drunk. This is what’s called Lance Hung Over,” I told him, my eyes filling with tears as I saw Justin laughing at something Britney was saying. From my seat I couldn’t see her left hand, but I didn’t WANT to see it, anyway.

“Lance, what’s wrong?”

“Not now, okay, Josh?” JC stared at me. I only called him Josh during serious conversation.  “Later.”

“Okay,” he said worriedly.  “Okay, Justin, get your scrawny ass up here.  Time to work!” JC yelled.

“My ass ain’t scrawny.  That would be YOU,” Justin yelled back.  He jumped up on stage and walked to his place, ignoring me.

I went through the paces, singing what I was supposed to sing, dancing where I was supposed to dance.  We didn’t have to give 100% during rehearsal, and I was glad.  It would take everything I had to even give 50% during the performance.

 

The performance was less than perfect.  We hit all the notes, did all the moves correctly, but the spirit wasn’t there.  Joey, Chris and JC did their best to cover for us, but I obviously wasn’t up to par, and Justin was strangely distant, which surprised me.  No matter what, he was always a professional.

We hit the bus immediately, wanting to get to the next town before it got too late. I sat on a sofa, Justin on the floor as far away as possible. We were still all too pumped to sleep.  I looked up as Joey and Chris followed JC onto the bus.  “Um…why are we all on the same bus?”

“No water on the other one,” JC sighed, falling onto the sofa next to me.  Chris sat next to Justin, and Joey fell somewhere in the middle.  Chris poked Justin’s ribcage.

“Okay…was she the reason you were lost?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, really.  Any guy, straight or gay, could NOT ignore those things flashing out every five seconds.  And she WAS right in front.”

“Yeah…guess that was it,” Justin said with a small smile.  He didn’t look at me.  JC did, however.  JC’s caring blue eyes were drilling a hole through my face as he watched me.

“And I heard some weird rumor in the crew that she was sporting a rock on her finger…know anything about that?”  Chris continued to tease.  I stiffened, my hands clutching at my kneecaps.

“Yeah, I know about it…I put it there,” Justin said.  Chris and Joey laughed. 

“Oh, that’s good…is this the cover so no one knows about you and Lancey?” Joey asked.

“No.  I put it on her finger.  I asked her to marry me and she said yes.”

Silence.

“Um, what?” Chris asked, looking from me to Justin.

“You heard me.”  Justin picked at a fringe on his shirt.  “We’re back together.”

“What’s going on?”  Joey whispered.

“You tell me, Joe.  I know you’re surprised.  You know what a good fuck Lance is.”

“You do?”  Chris gaped at Chris.

“He does?” JC asked me.  Justin nodded.

“Yep.  Just like Chris knows what a good blow job Lance gives.”

“You do?”  Joey asked Chris.

“He does?”  JC asked me.

“Justin, don’t…” I begged weakly.

“Why?  This should all be out in the open.”  Justin turned calm blue eyes on Joey and Chris.  “I’m gonna petition Jive to officially change our name to N’Slut.”

“Justin…” I said once more, tears filling my eyes.

“I don’t want to see your tears.  Why don’t you go back to your bunk and cry, you little whore.”

I reeled back as if he had hit me. With wobbling feet I stood, then carefully picked my way across the floor and made it to my bunk seconds before the tears flowed.

 

 

I was past miserable for the next two weeks. I felt so guilty, obviously, for hurting Justin, but it was also hurting the group. We were split in two.  JC was trying desperately to stay friends with us both.  He had known Justin FOREVER, and he and I were very close, so he tried his best to just run the middle ground. I know I didn’t try to intentionally place him in the middle of anything, and I felt that Justin was doing the same thing.  Joey seemed to eventually levitate to Justin’s side, and surprisingly enough, Chris became my new best friend.  We had never really been close, but he was adamant about how much of an asshole he felt Justin was being.

“No. I don’t care WHAT you did, Lance. That was the past.  Sure…you probably shoulda told him in the beginning, but I can see why you didn’t. It was protecting us, too.”  Chris paced angrily in his hotel room.

“Chris, don’t. We need to all get along, and you hating Justin will NOT help,” I said weakly. It was like talking to a brick wall.

“So?  He’s a little prick,” Chris said, glaring at me. “You love him. He loves you. He needs to get past it all.”

“Chris, Justin doesn’t love me. He loves Britney, remember?”

“Fuck Britney.  No…I bet he doesn’t do that.  He loves you!  Even if he’s a prick.”

“Chris, if you say that one more time, I’m gonna jump off that balcony.” I went over to the sliding glass doors, remembering another balcony…a night with glass on the floor and Justin’s boozy breath floating over my face as he slept beside me…

“Lance, he’s not worth it. He’s a little prick!”

I stepped out onto the balcony and took off my shoes.  “I warned you.”  I made a show of climbing up on the cement wall.

“Okay, okay!” Chris screamed, grabbing me around the waist.  I laughed for the first time in days.  He pulled me to the ground, panting for breath.  “Don’t even joke about that.”

“You’re really worried I’m gonna kill myself?”

“Well, you’ve been so depressed…it scares me,” Chris admitted.

“Thanks, Chris.” I put a hand on his leg.  “You’ve been a lifesaver.”

“Yeah, well, Joey defected to the Prick Side, so I’m here for you.  Just call me Obi Wan.”

 

As I took a shower before dinner, I thought about what Chris had said. I HAD been depressed, and it wasn’t helping anything. If I was Justin, I wouldn’t want me, either. I had already begun to lose weight, and I seldom smiled. I got out of the shower and stared at myself in the mirror.  Yuk.

I thought about Justin as I got dressed.  He still was beautiful to me, but he kinda looked down as well. He didn’t joke around, didn’t act crazy, just sat around and talked to Britney on the phone all the time.  I frowned.  Britney.  Nothing had been officially announced to the media, and in pictures I didn’t see a ring, but she sure did show up a lot.  I didn’t deny it; I was insanely jealous.

I finished dressing and stared at myself again in the mirror.  I decided then and there I would congratulate Justin the next time I saw him. I had already said I was sorry and he had ignored me. I’d be the man in this relationship…even if it broke my heart.

 

I wandered out to the elevator, checking my watch.  I frowned. I was never late, but I had stood in the shower thinking longer than I had expected.  I tapped my foot, waiting for the elevator. The others were sure to be down in the private dining room, and my mouth watered as my stomach growled.  I heard a door close behind me and turned around.  My stomach only did thirty-four flipflops as I watched Justin walk down the hall. He stopped as he saw me.  We tried our hardest not to interact offstage if we could help it.

“Hey,” I said cheerfully.  He stared for a moment, then continued towards me.

“Hey,” he replied, staring with interest at a potted plant by the doors.

“Think Joey will leave us anything?” I asked.

“I dunno…depends if it’s spaghetti or something,” Justin replied dryly.  I sighed and tapped my foot, checking my watch again.  The doors finally opened and we stepped inside, each leaning against an opposite wall.

“I hate when we’re up so high…takes forever to get down for dinner,” I said, watching the numbers count down.

“Ummhmm…”

“Look, Justin, I just wanted to…” an all too familiar groan shuddered through the elevator…and it stopped moving.

 

Our eyes met.  “I do NOT believe this,” Justin grumbled. He pounded on the door a few times, and I went to the phone. Of course it didn’t work, and even though I had my cellphone, it didn’t work inside the elevator. I couldn’t get a signal.

“And I was so hungry, too,” I moaned, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. Justin soon joined me, sitting across the elevator from me.  I couldn’t help but realize the irony of the situation, and I wondered if he remembered. I had realized a while back that that day in the elevator was when I first started to fall for him…though I wasn’t about to tell him that.  “So…Justin…as I was saying…I just wanted to, you know, congratulate you and Britney.”

“I’d rather not talk about this, Lance.” 

“Well, I need to say it. I mean, she’s nice and everything, and even though you two are young…I’m sure it will work out,” I said politely.

“Lance, I said I’m not interested in hearing what you have to say,” Justin said in a bored tone, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

I had spent enough time with Justin Timberlake to know that when he got this attitude, everything he said was opposite of what he felt.  He DID care about what I had to say…and it was bothering him. I decided to continue.  “I mean, it might be hard, you know, being married…and you two are hardly together anyway, with your tours, and…”

Justin put his fingers in his ears and began to sing.  “Your love is like a river, peaceful and deep, your soul is like a secret that…” His eyes flew open as he realized what he was singing. When we had been together and had sang this in concert, it was all I could do to keep from collapsing when he would look at me and sing it.  He hurriedly searched for another song.  He began some sort of rap, and I sighed.  Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

I stared at the ceiling as he continued to drone on and on…and decided singing wasn’t a bad idea.  One song had been running through my head for weeks; my Garth Brooks CDs were almost worn out.  “Well, I’m shameless…when it comes to loving you…I’ll do anything you want me to…I’ll do anything at all.”  Justin’s voice dropped in volume.  “And I’m standing…here for all the world to see…baby that’s what’s left of me…don’t have very far to fall.” Justin slowly grew silent.  “You know now I’m not a man who’s ever been insecure about the world I’ve been living in…I don’t break easy, I have my pride but if you need to be satisfied I’m shameless…”

“Lance…”

“Honey I don’t have a prayer…every time I see you standing there…I go down upon my knees.  And I’m changing…swore I’d never compromise…oh but you convinced me otherwise…I’ll do anything you please…You see in all my life I’ve never found what I couldn’t resist what I couldn’t turn down…I could walk away from anyone I ever knew…but I can’t walk away from you…”

“Lance, listen to me.”

“I have never let anything have this much control over me…I’ve worked to hard to call my life my own…and I made myself a world, and it’s worked so perfectly…but it’s your world now, I can’t refuse…I’ve never had so much to lose…”

“Lance, dammit…”

“You know it should be easy for a man who’s strong to say he’s sorry or admit when he’s wrong…I’ve never lost anything I’ve ever missed…but I’ve never been in love like this…”

“LANCE?”

I calmly looked at Justin. “Yes?”

“STOP singing…please…”

“Okay. Sorry.  Didn’t know I was bothering you.” I watched him carefully. He looked at me for a long moment, then closed his eyes.  I was silent as well.  About twenty minutes later the elevator let out a large groan and moved slightly.  We jumped to our feet. The elevator doors opened and we were on the same floor we had left.  I looked at him. “I don’t know about you, but I’M taking the stairs.” I left the elevator and started towards the stairwell. I felt a hand on my shirt.

“C’mere.”  Justin practically dragged me towards my room.

“Justin, I’m hungry!” I protested.

“We’ll get room service. Come ON.”  He stopped in front of my door.  “Open it.”

I tried to keep my cool as I slowly pulled my keycard from my wallet and slid it through the lock.  Justin almost pushed me through the door, closing it behind me.  “What do you want?” I sighed, as if being in the same room with him was painful. In a way, it was.

“Talk,” he demanded.  He sat on the sofa, arms crossed across his chest.

“Talk? About what?”

“You know about what.  You said a while back that you wanted to be able to explain…so explain.”

I began to pace. I had NOT expected this.  I took a second to gather my thoughts.  “It started with Chris,” I said softly.  “It was at the beginning when no one liked me and I was lonely and just figuring out that I was gay. I was rooming with him and he came in drunk one night and kinda made a pass at me…and since I was lonely and stupid I went along with it.”  My eyes met his as I told my story. I wasn’t ashamed to tell him what had happened.  “He jacked me off and then asked me to blow him.  I didn’t exactly like myself for it but it got me some weird kind of affection, plus he stopped picking on me.  It all ended when he hooked up with Danielle.

“Then, in Paris, while rooming with Joey a while later, Joey found me with a magazine.  He was cool about it, then asked if I wanted him to fuck me.”  Justin’s eyes widened.  He knew I didn’t normally talk about it that way.  “He said he knew I wanted it, wanted to see what it was like, and he was horny. So…” I shrugged.  “I lost my virginity to Joey. It happened a few times, and that was the end of it.  And you already know about JC.”  I sat down on a chair.  “I wasn’t trying to work my way through NSYNC, Justin, I swear.  Things just happened.  And I most definitely didn’t plan on falling in love with you. And even when THAT happened, I never thought you’d fall in love with me.” I decided to be brave.  “And I know we’re finished…but I still love you…and I will probably never find someone to take your place in my heart.”  I exhaled loudly.  “And I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way, shape or form.”

Justin studied me for a long moment.  “Okay.  Apology accepted.”

“Good,” I said gratefully. At least we could possibly be friends again.

Justin stood and I stood with him as my stomach rumbled. Finally.  Dinner.  “Undress,” Justin said sharply.

I stared at him.  “What?”

“You heard me.  Undress.  Get naked.”  He began to pull his sweatshirt over his head.

“Justin…why…”

“Because I wanna fuck you.” Justin calmly kicked off his sneakers.  “C’mon.”  He led the way to the bedroom.

“Justin, wait.”  I held back uncertainly.  My dick was hard as a rock and all I could feel was Justin’s body over mine, but this was wrong.

“What’s the problem, Lance? I said I wanna fuck you.  Let’s go. We can still make dinner.” He looked at me expectantly.

“No.”

“What?”

I spoke a bit louder.  “No, Justin.  I’m not in the mood.” I then said words I never thought I’d hear myself say. “I don’t want to have sex with you.”

“You don’t want to have sex with me?”  He advanced on me slowly.

“No…well…yes, but not like this.  This is wrong. I’m done with all this…sex for sex’s sake.  Over with this a LONG time ago.  So my answer is no.” I stared at him defiantly, willing the butterflies in my stomach to stop buzzing.

He looked at me for a long moment.  “Fine.”  He picked up his sneakers and sweatshirt and left my suite, slamming the door behind him.

 

That night was filled with dreams of Justin. So was the next night. And the next.  Every night I would dream, remembering his body, his lips, his hands…and I would wake up either drenched in sweat or wet from something else. I hadn’t had wet dreams since I was young, and it was embarrassing.

There was a cool indifference between us now.  We actually talked, had conversations like normal people, but I still ached for what we had once experienced.  Britney didn’t come around at all over the next eight or ten shows, and I noticed. I knew she wasn’t on tour, so it was all very intriguing.  Justin spent a lot more time with the rest of us, even going out with us when he could get in. 

Chris cornered me one afternoon, the day before we actually had two days of free time in a row.  “What’s going on?”  He demanded.  “Why are you two being nice to each other?”

“Um…because we’re friends?” I asked, flipping through some brochures.  I had asked the concierge to call ahead to the next hotel and get some information on local attractions.  “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Who cares what I’m doing?” Chris snapped. “Lance…did you two make up?”

“No. I told him everything about what happened, and he accepted my apology,” I told him. He didn’t need to know it all.  “I thought maybe I’d take a cab out to this park…it looks nice.” I pointed to the brochure in my hand.  Chris took it and tore it up.

“Lance, forget about the nice park.  You NEED to make up with Justin.”

“Justin’s engaged to Britney,” I said.  The words still pained me.

“Oh, he is NOT, and you know it.  It’s all still a rumor. I’ve seen her, and she’s not wearing a ring on that finger.  He loves you and you two need to work it out.” Chris sighed and ran a hand through his short dark hair.  “My God, Lance, you’re turning me prematurely grey here.  TALK TO JUSTIN and PLEASE work it out.” Chris actually was begging. “I love you guys and you SO belong together…God…never thought I’d say that.”  Chris took a moment to reflect on this thought.  “Anyway, please work it out…if you two work it out…I’ll…I’ll…I’ll pay for a vacation in the Bahamas…two weeks…totally on me.”

“Really?” I asked.  “Chris, what the hell do you gain in all this?”

“Nothing except seeing you two happy,” he said, slightly insulted.  “What else?”

“Just wondering.” I stood up and began to dress for rehearsal.  We had a show that night, then two entire days off, plus the morning/afternoon of the third day.  “I can’t do this all myself, Chris.  Justin’s not interested.”

“He WILL be,” Chris vowed, and ran out the door.

 

We drove to the next city directly after the show, and I slept until ten-thirty. What a nice change.  I stretched big, got up and showered, and called for a taxi.  I told no one where I was going, happy to be on my own and think. 

The park was as beautiful as the brochure had said it would be.  There was a giant lake, rowboats for rent, horseback riding trails as well as hiking trails.  I sat on a bench for a long time, reading a book and letting the sun bake my pale skin.  I was just about to get up and go over to the snack machine for some lunch when a voice behind me startled me.

“I can’t believe it.  He was right.” I turned to see Justin. I jumped up, my book falling to the ground.

“Justin?  Why…what…how…”

He smiled and laughed, something I hadn’t heard for a long time directed at me.  “Well…” He held out the torn brochure, mended with scotch tape.  My mouth fell open.  “And Joey threatened me.”

“He WHAT?”

“Joey told me to get my ass out of the hotel and to wherever you were, or he’d kick my ass.  Chris supplied the wherever.”  He smiled bashfully.  “So, here I am.”  He looked at the lake, and I knew he was remembering his cabin.  “But, you were here first…and if I’m intruding I will definitely leave.”

I studied him carefully.  Gone was the arrogant Justin of the night in my room.  This was almost the man I had fallen in love with.  “No…you can stay if you want. I was just…um…reading.  I was gonna get some lunch.” I motioned to the snack bar.

“Lunch is provided.”  He picked up a small cooler and opened it. Inside were two cans of soda, two subs, and a bag of chips. I smiled at him.

“That looks awesome. You just earned the right to stay.”  We sat on the back of the bench with our feet on the seat and dug into the cooler.  “Where’d you get this stuff?”

“Convenience store near the hotel,” Justin answered with his mouth full.

“I love convenience stores,” I said happily.

“Me too,” Justin said, then we laughed.

We chatted as we ate, and it was like getting to know each other all over again. We entirely skirted the issue of Chris, Joey, Britney, and that night in my room, but still found a lot to talk about.  We finished off the last of the chips and brushed the crumbs off our hands and laps.  We looked out at the water.  “Now what?” I asked softly.

“We could walk…or…oooh…better yet.” Justin pointed to the little marina where rowboats were available.  “Can you row?”

“Of course,” I told him.  We walked over and Justin paid to rent the boat for two hours.  We put on the mandatory life jackets and pushed out into the lake.  It was a weekday and the lake was almost deserted. 

We took turns rowing until we were in the middle, then we both lay down with our feet touching.  I sighed.  This was what a day off was SUPPOSED to feel like.  “I see you have my chain on,” Justin commented, and I almost fell out of the boat.

I slowly sat up.  “Well, you see, I…and um, well…” I stammered.

“I’d like it back.”  Justin sat up as well and I stared at him.

“No.”

“No?”  Justin stared at me.  “You’re getting VERY good at saying no to me, Lance.”

“Well, last time you deserved it!” I protested.  “You were being an asshole.”  Justin’s mouth fell open and I warmed to my topic. “Yes…an asshole.  You don’t talk to me for weeks, call me a WHORE in front of my friends, and then you expect me to just spread my legs for you?  Hell yeah, I’m gonna say NO.  And this chain is mine. You didn’t want it, and I spent good money on it, not to mention that it was all I had left of you.”  Okay, that last part was NOT a good way to end my angry ranting, so I punctuated my sentence by leaning over and splashing a handful of water onto him. He gasped, water streaming off of his curls. I hid laughter as best I could, but a couple of chuckles still snuck out.

“Are you laughing at me?”  Justin demanded.

“Yes, I am.  You look like an idiot,” I said, unable to hold back the giggles.  Justin stared at me angrily, but the sides of his mouth still twitched. 

“Are you done acting like a pouting child now?”

“Me? I…”

“Can I talk now?”

“Oh, I suppose,” I said graciously. I felt better than I had in weeks.  Even if Justin tipped me right out of that boat, I had said what had been hurting me for weeks, and I felt cleansed.

“I was jealous,” he started softly, and I froze.  “You were my first…my first love, you know…I had never told anyone I loved them and meant it the way I had with you.  You knew all about me, knew all the good and bad, knew what my life was like…and you still loved me. Knew my past…and still loved me.  And you made me feel something physically that I had never felt.  And I felt special knowing I was the first you had felt that way about…and then you mentioned Joey and Chris.”

“But I DIDN’T feel that way about them!” I protested, and was answered with my own splash of water.

“Shut up, Lance, I’m trying to grovel here.”  Justin waited for me to stop spluttering.  “I knew inside that you hadn’t felt that way, and if you did, you didn’t feel that way anymore, but my pride was hit hard.  And all I could do was be mean to you and be angry…I didn’t want to hear your explanations.  I wanted to be the wounded one…the one to be pitied.  Lance was the slut and oh, poor Justin. Let’s pity him.”

“Still on this slut thing, huh?” I snapped.

“Let…me…finish…Lance…” Justin snapped back, and I quieted down.  “I was hurting…so I said what I said…I called you a slut, called you a whore, and told you I was proposing to Britney.”

“And then I said it was fine and wished you well,” I reminded him.  Justin sighed.

“Lance, will you PLEASE shut up and let me finish?”  I sighed and bit my lip.  “God…thank you.  Anyway, I was lying.”

“About what?” I asked suspiciously.

“First of all, about the whole slut and whore thing. I know you’re not like that…and after you explained to me, it made so much sense…when I finally pushed aside the hurt and pride and jealousy and was able to take a look at the situation.  I could see how you easily went along with them…not that they were meaning any harm to you but I know how much you wanted to be loved…and how lonely you were back then. And I’m sorry I called you those names.  And I’m sorry about testing you.”

“Testing me?”  I was confused.

“I asked to fuck you to see if you’d let me,” Justin said in a tiny ashamed voice.  “I wanted to see if you WERE the slut I said you were, even though deep inside I knew you weren’t.  I asked to see if you’d immediately say yes…and you said no.”

“You were testing me?” I was furious.  “Justin…do you KNOW how hard it was for me to say no to you?  You were such a prick that night, I’ve hated you since then.  I didn’t let it show, but you embarrassed me by what you asked…and I hated you.”

“It was wrong and I’m sorry.” Justin’s voice got tinier. “I just needed to tell you now…to be honest about it.”

“Whatever,” I grumbled, still angry.

“And I lied about something else.”

“NOW what?” I asked, looking at him.

“That can wait,” he said as our boat drifted behind some low hanging trees.  He trailed his oar in the water to slow us down.  “I still want my chain back.”

“Maybe I don’t want to give it back,” I snapped.  “Maybe I don’t like giving gifts to people who test other people…who test their self-control and willpower.”

“But you love me.”

“That’s not the point and…” I glared at him.  “Dammit, you did that on purpose to make me admit I still love you.”

“And you fell for it,” Justin said, smiling happily. I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“I still hate you.”

“I’m still jealous.”

We looked at each other for a long moment, and I reached up and started to unhook the chain. Justin shook his head.  “What?” I asked.

“I need to earn that back. Even though it was all a misunderstanding, I should have NEVER treated you the way I did.  I should have listened…if I loved you the way I thought I did, I should have trusted you.” I looked at him carefully, seeing MY Justin for the first time in over a month.  “Lance…” he whispered, and I nodded. “I’d like to take you out tonight.”

“On a date?” I asked, remembering the first time he had asked me that question.

“Yes.  On a date.  I would like to earn my way back into your heart.  Can you give me a chance?”

I thought about it for about a hundredth of a second. “Yes.” His sunny smile seemed to beam all over the lake.

“Can I ask for something else?”

“What?” I whispered.

“Can I kiss you?  Now?”  Justin actually fidgeted.  “I mean, I understand if you don’t want to…but I’d really like to kiss you.”

I decided one kiss couldn’t hurt, and leaned toward him.  As our lips met, my heart dropped into my shoes and my dick became hard as a rock.  I realized then that kisses COULD hurt…and my dick was angrily reminding me of this. I pulled back with a gasp.  “Damn…” I said weakly.

“Um…yeah,” Justin said just as weakly.  He picked up his oar.  “Let’s go back. We need to clean up for our date, and I need to go where I can’t molest you.”

“I’d say no,” I pointed out.  He arched an eyebrow.

“SURE you would.”

We continued to banter about this point until we went back and returned the boat.

 

 

I stood in the shower for almost an hour when we got back to the hotel. I wanted this with all my heart. I wanted us to get back together. I wanted to hear Justin say he loved me…wanted to feel his skin against mine. But what if this was some weird trick he was playing. He had never said things were over with Britney…never said that the engagement was off…what if he was just looking to get his rocks off?

I turned off the water and decided to just go with the flow.  I wanted to be with Justin again, even if it was just for one night. If he asked me to have sex with him again, I’d be really tempted to say yes, but more than anything I just wanted to be WITH him.  I picked up the phone and called JC’s room.

“Hello?”

“JC, were you sleeping?”

“Mmmph….”

“JC, it’s three in the afternoon.”

“Mmmph?”

“JC, get your ass over here. I have a date with Justin and I need you to help me pick something to wear.” I realized how girly I was sounding and smiled at myself.

“What?”  I could see JC sitting up in bed. “A date?  I’ll be right there.”

I hardly had my boxers on before I heard a knock at the door.  I looked through the peephole and saw JC…and Chris. I opened the door. “What’s he doing here?”

“I saw him in the hall, asked why he was out of bed, and he told me.”  Chris barged past me.  “Lance, are you crazy?”

“Chris, weren’t you the one that conspired with Joey to get him out to the park to see me?” I asked.

“That’s not the point…I can’t believe this. A date.  You’re gonna let him just woo you back into his bed, aren’t you?” Chris asked.

“Woo?” I chuckled.

“Woo?”  JC flopped onto the bed and stared up at us.

“Yes.  Woo.  He’s gonna drag your cute ass right back into his bed, and then he’s gonna dump you for Britney or whoever, and then you’ll be miserable, and JC will have to break up with his boytoy to console you.”

“I’m not gonna let him do that,” I told Chris.

“And I’m not dumping him for Lance,” JC snapped.

“I have a cute ass?” I asked Chris.  He ignored me.

“I wanted you two to slowly get back together…at least talk…but a date, already?  He’s a prick, Lance.”

“Chris, if you call the man I love a prick one more time, I swear to God I will kill you,” I said with a sigh. I pulled pants out of the closet. “JC?”

“What are we going for?” JC sat up slowly.

“Utterly irresistible but totally untouchable.  I want him to pant,” I told him.

“Panting…” JC muttered, ruffling through the closet.

“You still love him?” Chris asked.

“I never stopped,” I said sadly, and JC turned to look at me.

“He HAS been a prick,” he pointed out.

“Yes, but he apologized today and we talked and he asked me out. He asked for a second chance and I’m gonna give it to him,” I said firmly.

“Where are you going?”  JC asked.

“I dunno…somewhere nice and quiet, hopefully.”

“Here.”  He pulled out black dress pants.  “I have something. Be right back.”

Chris and I groaned as one. We knew JC’s new and wacky fashion sense.

 

Surprisingly enough what JC brought me was nice. VERY nice.  So nice I almost drooled at myself. It was a dark grey silk shirt with light green flecks in it, flecks that brought out my eyes. Chris said that if he was gay, he’d want me. I considered that the ultimate compliment.

I was ready early and I paced by the elevators on our secured floor. What if it was a joke? What if he was off with Britney, laughing at me?  What if…

“Holy shit, Lance.” I slowly turned around to see Justin staring at me. “God…you look so hot.”  He blushed as he said the words.

“Um…wow…um…thanks,” I said, blushing as well. I still felt a tingle whenever Justin complimented me. He looked gorgeous, as usual.  He wore a burgundy pullover sweater and grey dress pants.  “Should we chance the elevator?”

“Hell, no. I love you, Lance, but I’m getting tired of being stuck in elevators with you,” he said with a grin. We walked to the stairwell and started down.  “I have a car waiting out front.  I called the front desk and got the name of a really nice seafood place.”

“That sounds great,” I said, nervous down to my toes.  We got in the car and drove a short distance to a tiny restaurant.  Justin had made a reservation and we were seated at a quiet table in the back.  We ordered and then looked at each other.  “I’m nervous,” I confessed.

“You are?  Me too,” he confided.  “I want this to go so right…but I’m afraid of fucking it up again.”

“How about we just pretend it’s not a date…the first one we went on went SO well, because we were just us.”

“You’re right, Lance…as usual…”

We discussed the tour, I told him about some business things that had happened since our breakup, and he talked about some lyrics he was working on.  Before we knew it, it was dessert.  I ordered coffee while he dug into a huge piece of chocolate meringue pie.  “I don’t understand how you eat so much and don’t gain anything,” I moaned.

“Lance, you are sexy and gorgeous just the way you are,” Justin said sternly. “Ask any of those fans out there screaming your name.”

“What about you?”

“Me? I like to scream your name, too,” he joked, and I blushed even as I laughed.

“I meant, do you think I’m sexy and gorgeous?” I asked shyly.  He grew serious and took my hand in his.

“I wouldn’t have even said it if I didn’t think it,” he told me, and I sighed.  He paid the check and we stood.  “Let’s walk for a while.”  We walked out of the restaurant and started down the sidewalk. The city we were in was not too crazy, but there were enough people on the sidewalk to make us fit right in.  I liked it that way.  We chatted for a while, then sat down on a bench.

“Justin, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”  Justin turned to face me.

“I really had a good time tonight. Did you?”

“Of course,” he answered with a smile.

“That’s not what I wanted to ask you.” I took a deep breath.  “Justin, what about Britney?”

“Lance, I don’t think we should talk about this now,” he said quickly.

“Justin, please…” I fought back tears.  “I have never stopped loving you…not when you were a prick, an asshole, not even when you called me those names.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Justin began and I shushed him.

“You hurt me so damn bad, but I still loved you…and tonight I feel like we could really make it work. I feel so perfect when I’m with you…and I think you still feel that way about me, too.  But Britney…I need to know what’s up with that. Are you guys an item? Are you getting married?”  I asked the last question in a small voice.  “Are…did you…did you sleep together since we broke up?”

“Look, Lance, this is not the place for this.  Let’s go back to the hotel.  I’m tired.”  Justin stood up and started back to the car.  I watched him miserably and slowly followed.

 

“Paradise Revisited”

 

I finally fell asleep around two in the morning. I couldn’t help remembering how Justin had closed down at the mention of Britney. It was true then…they were together, and Justin and I would never be.

The phone began to ring around three.  It rang.  And rang.  And rang. I finally grabbed it.  “For fuck’s sake, Joey, I’m sleeping,” I growled.

“Lance?”

I sat straight up.  “Justin?”  His voice was so strange I hardly recognized him.

“Lance, can you come over?”

“Justin, it’s three in the morning and…”

“I had another one, Lance. It was bad.  I’m afraid to go back to sleep.”

I was pulling on shorts before he finished the sentence.  “I’ll be right there, Justin.”

I hung up and went to throw some water on my face.  I knew exactly what he was talking about.  The night he had been drunk and threatening to jump off the balcony he had mentioned bad dreams. I found out later just how bad they were.  Justin would have nightmares so intense he would wake up screaming, sweating, crying, and tearing the sheets to ribbons.  The dreams had lessened once we were together, but twice when he was getting a cold or just physical exhausted he had them…and it was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  He told me he died in every one…that he either fell from a pedestal during “God Must Have Spent…” or fans grabbed him off the stage and pulled him limb from limb, or some other awful way of dying. He said that before we got together he would dream these dreams when he was at his loneliest, and that being with me helped to stop them.

He had his door open a crack when I arrived. I slipped inside and closed the door behind me.  I went to the bedroom and peeked in the door.  He had the lamp on, and he was curled back against the headboard, shivering.  I hurried over. “Justin, you are soaking wet,” I told him, wiping his forehead.  “Are you okay?  Did you hurt yourself?”

“No…just cold.” His teeth chattered.

“I don’t understand how, since you’re sweating like a pig.”  His eyes were wild, darting around the room. Even with everything that had happened, my heart ached to see him this way.  “Let’s get you into the shower, and then you can put on fresh clothes.  We’ll tuck you into bed and you’ll sleep.”

“I’m afraid to sleep,” he said, but he got up and headed for the bathroom.

I pulled the sweaty sheets from the bed and called down to the front desk. I explained that a friend was sick, and that I needed new bedding.  By the time Justin walked out of the bathroom in a new pair of shorts, I had the bed remade and was fluffing the pillows.  “Here you go,” I said cheerfully, trying not to let a yawn split my head in two.  “Back into bed.”

Justin obediently crawled into bed and I tucked him in. “Stay,” he said softly.

“Of course,” I said.  I knew he’d never sleep if I left him alone.  “You should go to someone about this.”

“No.”  Justin’s eyes were stubborn. “It’s too embarrassing.  I feel six years old.”  He shivered.  

“Tell me about it.”  I lay down next to him on top of the covers.

“We were performing and…” Justin yawned.  “…there were guys with guns…they shot JC first…and you…and I screamed and I told them to shoot me…” Justin’s blue eyes began to flutter shut as I stroked his curls.  “…because I didn’t want to live without you…or JC…and they wouldn’t…and I picked up a knife…” Justin finally dozed off before finishing his horrid tale.  I stroked his hair for a while longer, then I finally fell asleep myself.

 

The phone rang at nine-thirty. I groaned.  It was on my side. I poked Justin a few times to wake him up and reached for the phone. I placed it by his ear.

“Hello?” Justin said sleepily. “Yeah…Chris…no…I didn’t forget…”

I groaned again. “Shit,” I muttered. We had all made plans to get together for breakfast on our second free day.

“I had a bad night…I should really just sleep…no…Chris…I swear…how about we make it brunch?  JC would probably like it better that way anyway…no, I don’t.  Why don’t you page him?  He’ll be there.  Lance is always there.  Yeah…okay…bye…” Justin handed me the phone.  “Brunch at noon.  Chris is gonna page you.”

“Good.” I hung up the phone and pulled my pillow over my head.

 

“Lance…wake up…Lance…it’s eleven-fifteen…” I heard Justin talking but I tried to ignore him.

“You’re evil go away leave me alone.”

“Lance.” I felt him start to tickle me. 

“You ARE a prick.” I pulled the pillow off my head and glared at him.  Justin smiled sweetly and I melted. 

“I thought you’d want to go back to your room and shower or something,” he said softly.

“Yeah.” I sat up and rubbed my eyes.  He laughed.

“You have bedhead. It’s adorable.” He reached over to tousle my hair. I pulled away.

“Don’t.”  I snapped.  He pulled back.

“Sorry.”  He played with a pillowcase.  “Thank you,” he whispered.  “No one else knows about the nightmares…thank you for coming over.”

“I knew you needed me.”  I stretched big.  “I guess I’ll go shower and clean up.”

“No, Lance, wait.”  Justin put a hand on my leg. I looked at him curiously.  “I need to tell you something.  About Britney.”

“Look, Justin, I already told you. Best wishes. I’m your friend, I’m here if you need me.  I gotta get a shower.” I jumped up and Justin yanked me back down.

“You NEED to listen to me, okay? This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” he told me. I slowly sat.  “About Britney…we’re not together…we’re not engaged…” Justin looked at me, guilt all over his face.  “We never were.”

“WHAT?”  I screamed.

“Lance, I’m sorry, okay? I was so hurt when you told me about Joey and Chris, and it was the only thing I could think of that would hurt you as much as I was hurting. I’m sorry. I couldn’t talk about it yesterday because I was too ashamed of the lie.”

I stared at him. I couldn’t believe this.  “All this time…I thought you were fucking her…and you weren’t even together?  She was around all the time!  You talked all the time!”

“After that night when you told me about Chris and Joey, I was so upset.  You went down to the bar, and I just went for a walk. I ran into her and told her everything. She knew already, remember? And she was just being a friend…being supportive. I swear, Lance, nothing happened.”

I didn’t know what to think. I was furious at the lie, but I was so damn relieved that they were no longer together.  “What about the ring, Justin?”  I asked my final question.  Justin sighed and leaned across the bed.  He pulled a small familiar box from the nightstand.  He turned it around in his hands.

“I was going to give you this.  That day in the jewelry store, when we said we were buying for our moms…I guess you were buying my chain and I was buying you this. I had ordered it a while back and it was finally ready.”

I nervously played with the gold chain around my neck.  “You bought me something?”

“I know you’re not into that gay marriage thing…and I’m not really, either.  I don’t need some big ceremony to tell people I love you. The important people already know.”  He handed me the box.  “If you don’t want it now, well, I understand, but I wanted you to at least see it.”

I opened it with shaking hands.  Inside was a gorgeous gold ring.  It was a thick band with an emerald in the middle, my birthstone.  A small diamond was set on either side of the emerald.  I turned the ring and saw there was an inscription.  I turned the ring to catch the light and saw our initials intertwined.  I swallowed the lump in my throat.  “Oh…Justin…”

“I was going to give it to you that night…but you gave me the chain first…and then we started talking…and it all went to hell.  So I told you it was a ring for Britney.”  Justin didn’t look at me, but his head popped up when he felt my hands at the base of his neck.

“There.” I closed the clasp on his chain. “It looks so much better there.” 

Justin’s mouth fell open as I handed him the box back.  “Lance.”

“You need to put it on.  It doesn’t mean anything if I put it on myself.” I held out my left hand and he opened the small box.  His hands shook as he slid the ring on my finger. 

“Lance, I’m so sorry.  God, I’ve missed you so much.” We embraced for what seemed like hours, doing nothing but hugging each other.  The phone startled us.  I answered it.

“WHAT?”

“Um, Lance?” 

“Yes, Chris?”

“Didn’t I call Justin’s room?”

“Yes, you did.”

“What are you doing there?”

“None of your business. What do you want?”

“I…uh…I’m paying for a trip to the Bahamas, aren’t I?”

“I think so,” I said with a huge grin in Justin’s direction.  I heard Chris whoop and he hung up the phone.

“What was that all about?”  Justin held my hand and turned it, admiring the way the stones caught the light.

“Chris told me that if we got back together he’d pay to send us to the Bahamas after the tour,” I replied.

“No way!” Justin’s face lit up.

“Way,” I said, laughing. I grew serious.  “I’m sorry I was a slut, Justin.”

“You weren’t a slut, Lance. I’m sorry I was an asshole.”

“It’s okay,” I said, pulling him into my arms again.

“Wait a minute…you were supposed to say I wasn’t an asshole,” Justin said, glaring at me.

“Sorry. Can’t lie.”

Justin hit me with a pillow, then snuggled back against me.  “You’re right. No more lies.”  His lips met mine, telling only the truth of how much he cared about me.

 

The End

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