This Ain’t
By: Lara
It’s a big estate, wrought iron gate, and palm
trees standing tall/Fancy mirrors, chandelier, and covered walls…
“Honey…did you forget?” Trish said to Justin as he walked in the door after a long day of
rehearsing. “We have that charity thing
tonight!”
“Oh, shit!”
Justin smacked his hand on his forehead. “I’m sorry, babe. I did
totally forget. I’m sorry. I’ll run right up and get showered.”
“It’s okay.”
Trish walked over to kiss him, her long blond hair framing her smiling
face. “I understand. It’s your work.”
“Right…but I should have remembered.” Justin kissed her back, trying to put his
apology into the motion. “Gimme fifteen
minutes.”
“It’s okay, Justin, really…I still have to dress,
too,” his girlfriend of six months pointed out.
“Go like that…you look amazing.” Justin licked at her neck and she giggled.
“Justin! I
can hardly go dressed in a bathing suit,” she said, looking down at her bikini
top and denim shorts.
“You look like a million bucks,” he told her,
starting up the steps.
“Oh…speaking of a million bucks, the new bedroom
suite came in today,” she called after him.
“Wonderful,” he muttered, half-afraid to even look
at it. He had given Trish permission to
decorate his new California beach house, and she had gone hog wild to make it
look “classy”, in her exact words. He
closed his eyes and opened the door.
“Okay…this isn’t too bad…” Justin began out loud, running his fingers
over the smooth mahogany footboard of the bed.
“I could maybe handle this.” He
picked up the delivery papers that sat on the dresser. “Holy FUCK!” He screamed as he saw the price.
“Almost ten thousand dollars?
For a BEDROOM?”
“Everything okay up there, honey?” Trish called.
“Fine,” Justin shouted back, trying to keep steam
from coming out of his ears. He liked
to spend money, yes, and he had enough to spend frivolously, but he just
couldn’t understand the whole idea of blowing what he sang and danced for on
the inside of a house that hardly anyone, including him, ever got to see. He frowned as he began to undress. He knew he would never say anything to
Trish, even though he wanted to pack the damn thing up and send it back. He owed her. He owed her for the fact that
his heart was not with her…and he was pretty sure she knew it.
“How’s it going, Justin?” Lance asked as he and his girlfriend Stacey arrived. “Feels like forever since I saw you last,”
he joked.
“Hanging in there,” Justin said faintly, still in
shock from the furniture bill.
“Where’s Trish?” Stacey wanted to know.
“Over with the other girls,” Justin informed her,
pointing to a corner of the room where JC’s girlfriend Erin and Chris’
girlfriend Amanda were gossiping together.
“See you, baby doll,” Stacey said, kissing Lance’s
cheek before waltzing off to the other women.
“Can you even be in the same room with her without
drooling?” Justin asked Lance with a
smile. Lance blushed.
“I can’t help it.
It’s been a month now and I still can’t believe she’s with me.”
“You’re not so bad,” Chris remarked as he, Joey and
Chris came over from the bar. “I’d do
you.”
“Ha ha very funny.
Sorry, Chris, I’m saving myself for Joey,” Lance said with a straight
face.
“Huh?” Joey
said, totally lost. The other guys
laughed.
“How are things at the house? Getting settled in?” JC asked Justin. He rolled his eyes.
“She spent ten thousand dollars on a bedroom
suite!” Justin exclaimed.
“And?”
Lance asked. They all knew how
Justin loved to spend money.
“And, it’s too damn much. For furniture, anyway.”
Justin ran a hand through his short curls and sighed. “But I can’t say anything.”
Lance looked at him sympathetically. “Still that bad?”
“Still that bad,” Justin repeated.
And the ocean air, is so crisp and clear/And they
rave about our view…
“Honey!
Justin! Look!” Trish screamed
excitedly three weeks later. “Here we
are!” She waved a copy of Entertainment
Weekly in front of his face.
“Trish, I’m watching the game,” Justin said,
squirming to see the TV. “The Titans
might actually win today.”
“JUSTIN!
Can you ignore that stupid game for five minutes?” Trish pouted. Justin sighed and muted the TV.
“I’m sorry, baby.
What are you so excited about?”
“This!”
Trish plopped down on his lap and he put his arms around her, laying his
head on her shoulder. “Remember how I
told you that reporter was here while you were in New York? Well, she was from Entertainment Weekly…they
were doing a story on the homes of famous people…and here we are!” She pointed at a picture of the front of
their house, situated on a beautiful beachfront property.
Justin skimmed down the article. It described everything down to the lava
lamps he had in his bathroom. “Babe,
I’m glad you’re so excited, but I don’t know if I like people knowing all this
stuff about my private life.”
“Justin, you’re a pop star. You HAVE no private life, remember?” Trish bounced up and down on his lap. “I
worked so hard, and we have the BIGGEST picture in the article! Aren’t you happy?”
“Of course I am, sweetheart.” Justin gave her a passionate kiss. “I am very proud of you.”
“I love you, Justin. I am only doing all this for you,” Trish told him quietly.
“I know, baby…and I appreciate it.” He kissed her again, then worked his lips
down to her ear. He could feel the
stirrings of an erection, and he was hopeful it would remain. Trish, however, jumped to her feet.
“I have to call my mom!” She bounded off to the study to use the phone. Justin sighed and turned off the TV. He wasn’t interested in football anymore.
Justin wandered out to the balcony and watched the
water hit the shore. He loved his home
here, but it wasn’t really home to him.
Even though he had practically grown up in Orlando and abroad, home to
him was still the mountains where cool brooks flowed and trees created all
kinds of shade to play hide and seek in.
Home was where his heart was…and it wasn’t here.
But there ain’t no
mountain green…and there ain’t no hickory trees…this ain’t Tennessee…and she
ain’t you…
“Close your eyes,” Justin said, practically
bouncing up and down with excitement.
“Justin, what the hell is this?” Lara demanded, placing her hands on her
hips. He grabbed her in a big bear hug
and passionately kissed her.
“I love when you get an attitude,” he teased,
nipping at her neck.
“Justin, tell me or I will smack you,” Lara
ordered, wriggling out of his embrace.
“Oooh…you’re SO tough,” he said, grinning the
Timberlake grin. Lara smacked at him
and he dodged out of the way. “Guess
you just aren’t interested in what these open,” he sang, dangling a set of keys
in front of her.
“What are they for?” Lara asked, grabbing for the keys. He kept dangling them just out of her reach.
“Guess.”
“Dammit, Justin, you know I hate surprises. Tell me now or no sex for a month!” Lara said, using her trump card.
“That’s not fair,” Justin almost whined, and she
laughed.
“Tell me, Justin, please,” Lara said a bit more
seriously.
“These are keys for our new house in California…our
new beach house.”
“WHAT?”
Lara shrieked. “A beach
house? Justin, you just finished
building this house here in Tennessee…why do we need a house out there?”
“This is home, Lara, but we need a fun place. A special place. We’ve made this our special hideaway, but while I’m out there I want
someplace for you to settle into as well.”
“A beach house…whoa…that must have cost you a
pretty penny,” Lara said, grabbing the keys and studying them.
“Well…it’s not quite built yet…actually…I don’t
even have the property yet,” Justin said with a shy grin. “I just have the idea, and I need you to
come help me pick it out. I know you
love the beach more than the mountains, Lara…and I want this for you.”
“God, Justin,” Lara said, her voice choking with
tears. “What did I do to deserve
you? How did I get so lucky?”
“Well, it all started when you got tickets in the
“flirt section” up in Pennsylvania, and you held up a sign that said, Justin, I
want to touch your…”
Lara hit him in the shoulder. “It did NOT say anything like that and you
know it.” She threw her arms around him
and hugged him. “You are so wonderful.”
“Only because you are,” Justin said softly. He kissed her nose and cheeks. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Lara kissed him back and began to whirl around the room. “A beach house…a beach house…”
“Lara…come back!”
Justin said, laughing as she whirled just out of his reach. “Come back…come back…”
“Come BACK!”
Justin screamed, sitting up in bed.
Sweat ran down his neck to trickle down his spine. “Come back,” he whispered again, panting for
breath.
“Sweetie?”
Trish sat up sleepily and flipped on the lamp. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah…bad dream…” Justin said, pulling on a pair of
boxers. “I need a drink.”
“Another bad dream? Baby, maybe you should see someone about…”
“I’m fine,” Justin snapped, then regretted it. “I’m a big boy, honey. I can work it out myself.” He kissed her forehead, then padded down to
the kitchen. He skipped the juice and
soda and went right for the bottle of Jim Beam in the bottom cabinet. He poured himself a double shot and downed
it. He gasped for breath, then did
another one.
There’s a bedroom suite where she comes to me, and
as her fingers touch my face/I close my eyes and I fantasize about another time
and place…
The shaking finally stopped after the fourth
shot. Justin clumsily put the bottle
away and made his way back upstairs. He
stood by the bed for a moment, looking down at Trish, who was peacefully
sleeping. He climbed back in beside
her, stroking her arm with his fingers. She moaned softly and turned to face him, her eyes fluttering
open. “You okay?” She whispered. He nodded, not wanting to say anything. Her hand reached up to stroke his cheek. “I love you, Justin,” she whispered, and he
nodded again. When her fingers lightly
traced his lips, he didn’t move away.
He didn’t move away when she moved to press her body against him. He didn’t move as her hand reached down to
caress his penis inside his boxers. As he felt himself spring to life, he made
himself close his eyes and remember someone else…that way maybe it would last
this time.
“Justin!”
Trish yelled as she came through the front door. The house was huge, but built very
open. Sound floated easily through the
large rooms. “You here?”
“In here!”
Justin shouted from the small workout room he had created off the dining
room. It had a large window that
overlooked the swimming pool. Justin
liked keeping in shape during the weeks they were off tour. “Hi, baby,” he panted from the rowing
machine. “I’d hug you but I’m sweaty.”
“You know, Justin, this room would be more
convenient for you upstairs. That den
next to the bedroom is larger and…”
“No. The
gym stays here,” Justin snapped.
“But I was just thinking that…”
“Don’t.
Don’t think. Not about this
room, okay?” Justin got up and toweled off his curly head.
“I’m sorry, Justin. I just want to try and make this a nice beautiful home for you.
This is such an odd place for a gym…I thought we could make this a sweet little
breakfast nook.”
“Look, Trish, I’ve allowed you to totally
redecorate my house the way YOU wanted.
I’ve encouraged it…paid for it…but this room stays the way it is, okay?”
“Okay,” Trish said quietly. Justin sighed and carefully kissed her
forehead.
“I’m sorry for snapping at you. I have a lot on my mind right now. We’re gonna start writing for the new album
next week, and I guess I’m a little worked up about it.” Justin stroked her cheek with the back of
his hand. “Forgive me?”
“Of course,” Trish said softly, but her hazel eyes
were sad. Justin felt like shit.
“Now, what did you come tearing in here all excited
about?”
“Oh!” Trish
took his hand and dragged him to the foyer.
“Stay here. It’s out in the
car.” She pushed him until he sat down
on the stairwell that led to the second floor, then ran out to the garage.
Justin sat with the towel draped over his
head. It seemed like all he had done lately
was put Trish down in one way or another.
All she did was try to make him happy.
Sure, she spent a lot of his money trying to do it recently, but she
meant well. She had been a lifesaver when he so desperately needed someone to
mend his broken heart, and he owed it to her to love her and be good to her.
“Okay…it’s kind of silly…goofy, really…but your mom
said you’d like them.” Trish looked at
him anxiously as she handed him a package in brown wrapping paper.
Justin took the package. It was large but soft.
“My mom?” He ran his fingers
over the Tennessee return address. He
smiled up at Trish as he tore through the packing tape. “I’m sure I’ll love it. You always…oh my God.” Justin’s mouth fell open as he looked at the
bag of bedding on his lap. Tiny pine
trees and bears dotted a light brown background. “Where did you get these?”
“I called your mom and asked for ideas on something
that would really make this home for you.
She said back in Tennessee you had these flannel sheets that you ADORED. She only had them for your twin bed, so she
called the manufacturer and ordered these for our king. I know we don’t really need flannel sheets
in California, but I figured we could sleep with the air on or something.” Trish stared at him uncertainly. “Do you like them?”
“No.” The
bedding fell to the floor as Justin stood.
He gave Trish a passionate kiss.
“I love them. This was so
thoughtful…so sweet…so you. Thank you,
Trish.” He kissed her again and she wrinkled her nose.
“Stinky.”
He laughed.
“I need a shower. So do you, I think.”
“Me? I…”
“I SAID, I think you need to take a shower with
me.” Justin wriggled his eyebrows
suggestively as his hands wandered up under her tank top. Trish giggled. “And if you don’t get your cute ass up the steps and into the
shower, I will throw it in there.”
Trish took off upstairs, shrieking, as Justin
followed at her heels.
Two hours later, Justin pulled on a pair of shorts
and tiptoed out of the bedroom. He went
down to the gym and sat on a chair facing the large window. He watched the sunlight dancing off the pool
water.
“The pool’s gonna be over here, right?” Lara asked as they walked through the wooden
frame that would someday be their house.
“Yes, sweetie.
That’s what the bigass hole in the yard is for,” Justin said
condescendingly, wrapping his arms around her from behind. Lara reached around to pinch his ass.
“You’re funny.”
She looked through the hole where a wall would soon be. “I bet the view is spectacular from
here. I’d like my study to be here, if
you don’t mind.”
“Why would I mind?
This is perfect for that. I bet
you could get a lot of inspiration.”
Justin turned her around in his arms.
“I can already see you sitting in here, surrounded by your books and
your computer and your pictures…and then you’d look up and see me out in the
pool, swimming naked just to inspire you.”
Lara giggled and snuggled close in his
embrace. “I have a feeling I’ll be
spending a lot of time in here.”
“I hope so. I wish you’d move out here now,” Justin
said. “I’m here half the time, anyway.”
“No…I like it in Tennessee. I’m not moving here until it’s finished,”
Lara told him.
“You know…I have a blanket in the back of the car,”
Justin said, a wicked gleam in his eyes.
“We could go up and christen the bedroom.”
“Justin…I…” Lara blushed as she laughed.
“To hell with the blanket. I’LL be on the bottom.” He threw Lara over his shoulder and carried
her up to the second floor as she shrieked with laughter.
Trish threw on a robe and came padding down the
steps in her bare feet. Justin always
got hungry after sex, and she figured he was in the kitchen. The room was empty, however, and she went
searching through the house.
“Justin?” She called as she hit
the dining room. “Just…” Trish stopped
short as she looked into the gym.
Justin was softly snoring away on a chair, his head
slightly dropped back. A smile was on
his face…a dreamy smile she had seen times before, but ONLY while he was
sleeping. He never smiled like that
when he looked at her. Trish closed the
door with a sigh and went up to shower again.
It’s not that it’s not grand enough, and it’s not
that I’m not man enough, there’s just something easygoing that I love about you
and Tennessee…
“Do we really have to go?” Trish almost whined as she put in the
diamond earrings that Justin had bought for her birthday. Justin stopped tying his shoes and stared at
her. She had done nothing but complain
since they had started getting ready for Lance’s birthday party. He was throwing a HUGE bash with no holds
barred. Champagne would flow, music would boom, and it was pretty much
guaranteed that it would go until people passed out in the wee hours of the
morning. Lance rarely threw away money
like this so everyone knew it would be one hell of a party.
“I thought you liked this kinda thing…dressing
up…drinking…dancing…” Justin rhumbaed up behind her and grinded his hips at her
waist.
“Stop…you’re wrinkling me!” Trish snapped. She glared at Justin in her makeup mirror.
“Excuse the fuck out of me!” Justin snapped. He grabbed his other shoe and hobbled downstairs. He went into his gym and slammed the door. He threw the shoe at a wall, cursing again.
He sat down with a sigh. Things had NOT been going well lately. Trish was sensing more and more that he wasn’t 100% with her, and
it made him mad. Mad at himself. He owed her more than this. When they had met through a friend of JC’s
girlfriend, Erin, they had hit it off instantly. Justin wasn’t ready to give his heart to anyone again, but Trish
was so pretty, so sweet, so kind…and so totally different than Lara. He figured it was what he needed. She had been patient, true, but once he had
asked her to move into the beach house she had started pushing him for things
that he wasn’t sure he wanted to give.
He kept thinking he owed her.
Owed her a lot. Owed her for saving him from his own heartbreak.
He was moodily staring out the window, holding his
shoe in his hand, when Trish knocked at the door. “Thought I’d find you here,” she said softly. Justin turned to look at her. She was beautiful in her sea-green
shimmering dress. The subtle glimmer to
the dress was reflected up in the earrings that bobbed from her ears. Her straight blond hair hung down to her
shoulders. “I’m sorry I bitched at
you. I’m sorry I’ve been a bitch all
night.”
Every time she apologized, even if it truly was her
fault, it made Justin feel guilty. “No,
Trish, I…”
Trish held up a hand. “Hear me out, Justin.
Every time we’re around Lance you freak out. You get all defensive and weird…and it’s come to the point that I
don’t really like being around him.
He’s a nice guy and all, but I wonder what’s going on with your
friendship.”
“Really?”
Justin gave her a blank look. “I
didn’t know I did that.” He stood. “It won’t happen again. We will have a fantabulous time tonight, I
swear. You are RAVISHING.” He kissed her cheek, careful not to wrinkle
her.
“Fantabulous?”
Trish giggled. “What kind of
word is that?”
Lara’s word, he thought silently, but said nothing as he bent
down to finish tying his shoe.
Justin whistled cheerfully as he walked in his
front door carrying a bouquet of white roses.
“Honey, I’m home!” He called,
then chuckled to himself. “I sound like
Leave it to Beaver or something.
Lara?” Justin called again.
He searched the rooms downstairs then went
upstairs. Snow was starting to fall,
and he hoped she hadn’t gone out driving somewhere. He hated the thought of her driving in this awful weather. He heard voices in the upstairs den and
headed that direction.
“It’s okay.
I don’t mind,” he heard Lara say.
He pushed the door open and saw her holding his friend Lance in her
arms. Their bodies were pressed tight together and Lance’s head was on her
shoulder.
“Um…hello?”
Justin asked, the flowers dropping to the floor. They quickly pulled apart.
“Hey, Justin…” Lance said, his green eyes
miserable. “I guess I’ll be going
downstairs. Thanks, Lara.”
“No problem, Lance. We can talk more later, if you’d like.”
“No, thanks.
I’m gonna go down to my room.”
Lance plodded out of the room, ignoring a shocked Justin.
Justin slammed the door, making Lara jump. “What the FUCK was that? I let him stay in our house while he visits
and you two…you guys…you and he…”
“EXCUSE me?”
Lara almost screamed. “I KNOW you’re not thinking what I THINK you’re
thinking! Me and Lance?”
“What did I just walk in on?”
“A friend consoling a friend, Justin,” Lara said,
bending down to rescue the roses.
“Lance and Shelley just broke up.
Actually, she just CALLED his cell and broke up with him. He’s really upset. He didn’t see it coming.
I was talking about it with him and he needed a hug.”
“Well, he didn’t need one from you,” Justin said.
He knew he sounded like a child but he was insanely jealous. He knew Lara loved giving hugs, knew she was
an ultra-affectionate person, but he hated the thought that she was hugging
Lance alone in the house.
“Justin, why the HELL are you being such an
ass?” Lara shouted. “If I wanted nookie from someone else, which
I DON’T, by the way, I would NOT get it here, where you could just walk in.”
“Lara, I…”
“Don’t touch me,” Lara snapped. “I need to get out of here.”
“Lara…don’t go outside. It’s starting to snow,” Justin pleaded. Lara looked out the window and sighed.
“Fine. I’m
going to the bedroom. Please leave me alone for a while.” She stomped out the door, slamming it behind
her.
The slamming door jolted Justin out of his
reverie. “Justin, we’re here,” Trish
said, shaking his shoulder. The door
was the front door, shut by the chauffeur as he got out of the limo. The back door opened and Justin got out,
holding out a hand to help Trish.
They went inside and were immediately greeted by
Stacey and Lance. “Happy birthday,
Lance!” Trish said, handing him a small
gift she had picked out.
“Thanks, Trish,” Lance said, kissing her cheek
politely. Justin bit his tongue and
smiled at Stacey.
“Everything looks great, Stace.”
“I hope so.
He’s been mental all week,” Stacey said, smiling up at Lance.
“Hey, Lance, do you have five minutes so I can talk
to you?” Justin asked.
“Um, sure…can you hold the door down for a minute,
Sweetie?” Lance asked Stacey.
“I’ll stay here with her,” Trish volunteered.
“Cool. Be
right back.” Lance kissed Stacey’s
cheek and followed Justin to a small storage room off the front hallway. “What’s up?”
“Do I act weird around you…I mean…like bitchy?”
Justin asked slowly. Lance looked at
him for a long moment.
“You want the truth?” Lance asked. Justin
nodded. “Only when we are around Trish
and Stace isn’t there. You get this
whole attitude.” Lance ran a hand
through his spiky hair. “You don’t
still think I’m into your girlfriends, do you?
I thought we cleared that up back with Lara.”
“We did,” Justin said with a sigh. “We cleared that up, all right. It’s all my fault she left…because of my
jealousy. I didn’t even know I was
doing it this time, I swear.”
“It’s okay,” Lance said kindly. “I know you love Trish…and you know I’m
totally happy with Stacey.” Lance
studied his friend carefully. “It’s not
the same, is it…Trish. You want Lara,
and Trish isn’t it.”
“Exactly,” Justin said with a sigh, lightly
pounding his head on the wall. “I lost
Lara, and I’m trying to get her back through Trish…and it just isn’t
working. It’s not fair to anyone.”
“Most of all you,” Lance said softly.
“I’m so glad you invited me over for dinner,” Lance
said, shaking Justin’s hand when he entered the beach house. “The house is empty without Stace around.”
“We’re glad you could come,” Justin said, taking
the bottle of wine that Lance offered. “Trish
has been DYING to entertain, and…”
“Don’t listen to him, Lance.” Trish put her cheek forward for Lance to
kiss. “He has been bugging me for a
week to invite you for dinner. I’m
trying a new chicken alfredo recipe. I
hope you enjoy it.”
“I’m sure I will,” Lance said, smiling at her.
“Come upstairs with me, Lance. I want to show you something in the
den.” Justin led Lance upstairs. They went into the den and closed the
door. “I just wanted to apologize. For
everything. I wanted to apologize for
what happened with Lara, and what’s been happening with Trish. I HAVE been avoiding you, and it’s all
wrong. I really am sorry, Lance.”
“It’s okay, man,” Lance said, smiling at his
younger friend. The two men
hugged. “I know you didn’t mean it…at
least not with Trish.” Lance looked
Justin in the eye. “You do know that
nothing ever happened with Lara, right?”
Justin nodded.
“Yes, I do.” He sat down on the
chair behind the desk. Lance leaned
against the wall. “I know she loved
me…and I know you would never do that.
I just know that she always thought you were sexy, and I jumped to
conclusions. I was so afraid of losing
her…and then my jealousy made me lose her anyway.”
“Does Trish know about Lara, Justin?”
Justin shook his head. “All she knows is when she met me I was getting over
someone. She started out taking things
sweet and slow, but damn, Lance, since we’re out here it’s been crazy.”
“You’re not over Lara yet, Justin. Maybe you need to go back to Tennessee and
get some closure.”
“Some what?”
“Closure.”
Lance shook his head. “Jeez,
Stace has me watching WAY too many chick movies.” Lance sat on an edge of the desk. “You need to get back there and confront the situation. Get it finished once and for all. Decide if it’s Trish that you want, or if
you want someone to take Lara’s place in your life. You owe it to Trish…and to yourself.”
“You’re right.”
Justin ran a hand through his curls.
“You’re right.”
“I’m glad you invited him over tonight,” Justin
said as they got ready for bed later that night. “I had a nice time tonight.”
“I did, too.
And you acted normal, finally.
I’m glad you were able to get over whatever kind of issue you had with
Lance.” Trish pulled her nightgown over
her head and smiled a sultry smile.
“Feel like joining me in here, Big Boy?” She flopped onto the bed and smoothed her hand over the sheets.
“Not now, Trish. We need to talk.” Justin sat on the edge of the bed, a serious
look in his eyes. Trish sighed and sat
up.
“What’s wrong?”
“I need to go away for a few days. I need to go home.”
Trish tilted her head to the side. “But this is your home.”
“No.”
Justin shook his head. “MY
home. Tennessee. There’s something there I need to get done.”
“You have someone else, don’t you? Someone else is there.” Trish began to sob angrily. “You have someone else, and that’s why you
can’t fucking commit to ME. That’s why
you cry out in your sleep…why you smile in a special way when you’re far off in
thought.”
“Trish…no…it’s not like that,” Justin lied.
“Don’t fucking LIE to me, Justin Timberlake!” Trish jumped out of bed. “I SO don’t believe this!”
“Trish, please…if you want us to work, I need to do
this,” Justin insisted, standing as well.
He decided to be brutally honest. “When we hooked up, you were so kind,
so patient…you made me believe I could love again. Then once you moved in here you kinda went ballistic. I let you change the house, change the
grounds, because I felt I owed it to you to make you happy. But you stopped caring about what made ME
happy. That’s not what I’m looking
for.”
“I stopped caring…I did all this for YOU,
Justin!” Trish almost shrieked. “I love
you so much…and I just tried to make you happy. Every time you looked around this place you looked
miserable. So I tried to give it a NEW
look…an US look, and this is the thanks I get?”
“Trish, please…I need to go back home…I need to
sort some things out. If I’m going to
try to be half the man you deserve, I need to do this.” Justin cupped Trish’s face in his
hands. She tried to pull away, but he
held her steady. “Please. Let me go, and then give us one more try.”
“Okay,” Trish said finally. “I guess I can move back in with my sister
for a few days. I don’t like staying
here without you.”
“Thank you,” Justin whispered, leaning his forehead
against hers.
“When are you leaving?”
“Day after tomorrow,” Justin answered softly.
“Okay,” Trish sighed. “Justin, could you please stay in a guestroom tonight? I need to be alone.”
“Sure,” Justin answered quickly, grateful for the
time to think. He grabbed his favorite
pillow and his pajamas, and headed down the hallway.
And deep down in my heart…I miss my smoky mountain
home and I miss your loving, too/And it’s deep inside of me…and it’s always
gonna be…
“Oh, Justin!”
Justin’s mother, Lynn, ran up and hugged her tall son. “I’ve missed you so much!”
“I missed you, too, Mom.” He pulled his mother to him in a fierce hug. “I’m sorry I don’t come back more.”
“It’s okay.”
She ran a hand through his curls affectionately. “I understand why. What I don’t understand is why you’re here now.”
“I need to talk to Lara, Mom. Some things need to be worked out that were
never finished,” Justin said softly.
Lynn studied her son. He looked tired from the long plane ride, but his blue eyes were
miserable. “I see.” They walked out to her waiting car. “How’s that girl you’re seeing…isn’t Trish
her name?”
“Yes, Trish.
She’s fine. She is one of the
reasons I’m here. I’m not half the man
I should be regarding her, and it’s not right.
She deserves better.”
Lynn nodded and started the car. “The extra car is at the house. When you said you were coming I made sure it
was cleaned and ready to go.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
Justin closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat, trying
to relax.
They reached the house about an hour later, and he
trudged inside. He smiled as he saw
that his mother had kept his room exactly as it had been the last time he was
there many months before. “You mind if
I leave now?” Justin asked her. She
shook her head, kissing his cheek.
“I’ll understand if you’re not back for
dinner. If you’re gonna be much later,
though, please call.”
“I will. I
love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, Baby. Take it easy, okay? Try
not to get too worked up,” Lynn said, and he nodded.
Justin hopped behind the wheel of the small car and
zoomed out of the driveway. He stopped
at the florist on the outskirts of town and picked up a bouquet of long-stemmed
white roses, Lara’s favorite. He
figured it wouldn’t hurt. He climbed
back behind the wheel but didn’t turn the key.
He stared into space, letting his mind wander.
“You’re what?”
“Pregnant, Justin…pregnant!” Lara squealed, hopping
up and down. “Isn’t this amazing? I called Lance when you didn’t answer your
cell, and he said he’d find you ASAP!”
Lara threw herself into his arms, but Justin couldn’t hug her back.
“Pregnant?” Justin repeated, in a state of
shock. He couldn’t believe it. They had been so careful. “I thought you said we couldn’t get
pregnant. I mean, you’re on the Pill,
and we use condoms…”
“I know…I didn’t think so, either. I thought we were well prepared…but I guess
little surprises like this happen!”
Lara practically bounced around the room. “We can take that den we were gonna build in the beach house and
make it a nursery, since it’s right next to the bedroom and…”
“You sure it’s mine?” Justin said before he
thought. He was so shocked that the
words flew out without his control.
Lara froze and looked at him.
“WHAT did you say?”
“I asked if you knew for sure that it was mine,”
Justin said firmly. Lara’s eyes filled
with tears.
“And just WHO did you think I was fucking around
with, Justin?”
“Well, you could have done something with someone
that maybe wasn’t as careful as we are…and you did call Lance first.”
“Justin, I couldn’t get a hold of you. You didn’t answer your cellphone. Lance’s number is the first in the address
book alphabetically…so I called him.”
Lara’s voice shook. “You thought
I…you think Lance and I…”
“You have been awful close since he and Shelley
broke up,” Justin said. He couldn’t
believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, but he also couldn’t
believe that in seven or eight months he’d be a father.
“Justin…I am not hearing this. Completely not hearing this.” Lara stomped out of the room and went to the
closet. She pulled on her coat and
gloves. “I’m going out for a drive.”
“Lara…wait…” Alarms rang in Justin’s head as he ran
after her. He grabbed her arm. “Not now. Not like this. It’s snowing and I hate you
driving in it. Let’s talk. We’ll even call Lance over if you want.”
“Justin, back off Lance, okay? Nothing happened between he and I…but I
shouldn’t have to tell you that. You
should know.” Lara wrestled her arm
from his grasp. “I’m going for a drive.
I grew up in Pennsylvania, for God’s sake.
I can drive in the snow.”
“Lara…please…I’m sorry. Let’s talk,” Justin pleaded.
“No…I can’t talk to you right now.” Tears flowed down her cheeks. “I cannot believe you would accuse me of
this…accuse LANCE of this. I’ll be back
later and then we can talk.” Lara went
out the door, slamming it behind her.
Justin carefully drove down the winding
driveway. He knew this road so well by
now that he could drive it in his sleep, however he was always slow and
careful. It was more respectful that
way. He pulled to a slight spot of open
grass on the side and parked. He picked
up the roses and got out of the car.
As usual, the silence was deafening. The pine trees seemed to bow to the light
breeze, as if covering the slabs of stone below them. Justin had always like pine trees, and had always thought they
seemed almost paternal, lording over all the other trees because of the fact
that they stayed full and green all year round. He looked up at the trees as he walked. Justin didn’t need to count rows or look at markers…he knew where
he was going.
“Jeez…I pay these people enough, you’d think they’d
learn how to use a lawn mower the right way.”
He bent down before the grey chunk of marble and tore some straggling
grass from the ground. He took a piece
of cloth from his pocket and wiped off all the places that the birds had chosen
as their personal bathroom. It was only
then that he allowed his fingers to trace the name. He traced Lara’s name four times…it was a ritual. Four was her
favorite number.
“I brought you these,” he said, unwrapping the
roses from their plastic. “I didn’t
have time to grab one of those plastic things that you stick in the ground, so
I’m going to just lay them here.
Hopefully the wind will grab them and spread them around…I know you’d
like that.” Justin moved some grass
aside and pressed the roses tight against the side of the tombstone. He sat for
a long time, saying nothing, just enjoying the feel of the sun on his face and
the cool ground under his backside. The
trees whispered and swayed, and he searched for the words to express what he
was feeling. “I’ve been here a lot of
times since I brought you here…and I’ve never really told you how I feel.” Justin felt his throat tighten and he
stopped. It was still early in the day
and he had all the time in the world.
He pulled a picture from his wallet and stared at
it. It had been taken the week before
the accident. It was Lara’s birthday
and he had thrown a small party with just the members of the group, their
girlfriends, and some other close friends.
She was laughing and joking, smiling bright for the camera. She stood between Joey and Justin, and her
arms were around them as she giggled.
She was already pregnant then, and no one had known. He traced a finger over the picture.
“I should not have let you leave that night,”
Justin said softly, his voice tiny in the stillness. “I should have made you stay and talk, or at least made you stay
in another room if you wanted to think.
I shouldn’t have let you go.” Tears started to fall from his face but he
ignored them. “I know it wasn’t snowing
that bad when you went, but it got worse so fast…I should have known. And you could drive well in snow, true, but
that drunken asshole who hit you couldn’t.”
He angrily wiped his face. “When
the police showed up, oh, God, Lara…I thought someone had hit me in the heart
with a sledgehammer. It hurt so
bad. They didn’t even have to say it
and I knew…I could feel it. You were
gone, and the last words we had spoken were angry words. I never got to apologize.” Justin stared into space. “So I’m apologizing now. I’m sorry for doubting you…sorry for
thinking you would screw around on me…sorry for not trusting the love you had
for me. I loved you so much…still do…I
love you so damn bad that I can’t give myself to anyone else.” Justin sniffled
unashamedly. “There’s a new girl in my
life…her name is Trish…she isn’t you, never could be, but she’s nice. Pretty, too…and she really tries to take
care of me.” Justin felt a smile cross
his face. “You two would never get
along, though, she’s kinda prissy and snooty when she wants to be…but her
heart’s in the right place.” He studied
the picture in his hand. “I think we
could make it work, though, but I couldn’t try without talking to you.” Tears plopped onto the picture and he
hurriedly wiped them off. “I miss you
so FUCKING bad, baby. So bad it hurts
sometimes. I need to let go,
though. If I’m ever gonna keep on
living, I need to let you go.” Justin
touched the stone once more. “I love
you so bad…and miss you so bad…and no one will EVER take your place in my
life…but I need to move on. I just
wish…I wish I knew you understood. I
wish you knew that every day I kill myself over letting you go out that
night…and I would give my whole being to get you back. I have the house out west, and it’s nice,
but it’s not here…and she’s not you.”
Justin bent his head and finally allowed the sobs
to overtake him. He shivered slightly
as a gust of wind swept across the cemetery, ruffling his curly hair. Something made him look up, and he gasped as
something floated gently through the air and dropped into his lap. A single red rose. He quickly looked around, but not one tombstone around him had
real flowers on it except Lara’s, and they were white. Justin stared at the rose, then stared at
the tombstone. He got on his hands and
knees and bent forward, pressing his lips to the cold marble stone. “Thank you…thank you, baby. Someday I'll be back…I promise. And I’ll bring her with me. Thank you.”
He leaned his forehead on the stone for a brief moment, then got up and
started back to the car, inhaling the sweet scent of the rose in his hand.
The End
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