Listen To Your Heart

By: Mary

"Why is it ALWAYS about you?!" Charlene's anger was raising and she was trying to calm down but Donnie knew what buttons to push. She knew she was wrong in that statement too but she wasn't thinking about being rational and right at the moment. She wanted to hurt him and knew that would. It would hit the mark it always did.

Donnie's face fell for about a second before he put on the mask he wore to cover his pain. He wore it so well that sometimes she had to wonder if it was a permanent expression for him. "Is that all you think of me? Do you really think that I'm that selfish and cruel?!" His hazel eyes were deep and dark as the looked at her closely. The pain was so clear in them but he would rather have died than let her know she had hurt him.

"What do you think, Donnie?" she answered him. Her eyes stayed hard, trying not to let him see her own pain inside. She loved him with all she had but this wasn't working anymore and he had to see that. They weren't what they once had been. Things had changed and not for the better. She wanted the man back that she had fallen in love with. The one that would have promised her the moon and then spent the rest of his life trying to figure out a way to get it for her. She wanted his love back most of all. The one thing that she thought she'd always have was taken from her.

Donnie ran an impatient hand through his hair roughly. He wanted to understand where this fight had come from but he didn't. He had thought everything was great but it was clear now to him that everything was far from great. He couldn't even use the word okay to describe them now. Admitting that to himself hurt the most. He loved her. Couldn't she see that? Why couldn't that be enough? "Char, baby, why are you doing this?" His hazel eyes looked watery to her. She hated to see him cry. It killed her heart a little each time but she needed more than he seemed to have to give her at the moment. She needed him to love her all the time, not just when it was convenient to fit her in his schedule.

"I need more Donnie. More of you than you're willing to let me have." She looked at him as she told him this. The confused look on his face faded and realization hit him. He knew what she was talking about and he hadn't even realized he had been doing that until just then. "I need to know that when I need you, you'll be there. No questions asked. No hesitation. Unconditional love, Donnie, I need that from you but you aren't ready to give me that much of yourself yet. I can't keep waiting for something I can never have. It's only hurting me more and more everyday and eventually you'll resent me too. It's only a matter of time. We may as well make a clean break now while we might still be able to be friends after a little while. Once the hurt stops." Charlene's speech had taken a lot out of her. She turned her back on him and tried to leave. Everything in her was screaming not to leave him. She loved him that much but loving someone that didn't love you hurt too much to bare.

"No," Donnie's voice came out in a cracked whisper. "Damnit, Charlene, NO!" His eyes no longer fought back his tears. Charlene doubted that he even knew he was shedding them. "We can work this out. I love you. Isn't that all we need?" Donnie's eyes searched her face. That had to be enough. They could get through anything as long as they loved each other. She did still love him, didn't she?

"I can't keep this up. You don't love me like you think you do, Donnie. I think you loved the idea of me or maybe not even the idea of me so much as the idea of loving anyone or anything. You fell in love with the idea of falling in love and not me." The tears that she had tried so hard to hold back silently fell now. Charlene didn't notice them.

"Can you honestly tell me that you don't love me? Can you stand there and look me in the eyes and say without a doubt in your mind that you don't care about me enough to try to make this work?"

"Don't try the guilt trips on me Donnie. We're only selling ourselves short if we think that we can make this work and be happy in the end. Sure it might work for a little while but eventually you'll hate me and resent me. And by then who's to say we won't have kids to think about? I don't want to raise a family around two parents that live with hate and resentment in their hearts. They would sense it and hate us both for putting them in that position. I do love you Donnie," she added almost to herself, "but it's not enough. I need more and so do you." She raised her eyes to his one more time. "Good-bye." Charlene turned and expected him to call out to her but he didn't. She waited for him to plead with her one more time but he didn't. She left through the door she had entered almost a year ago when she had moved in with him for the last time.

The End.

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