A Cold Day In July

By:  Tammi

 

Nick sat on the patio overlooking his back yard.  He lifted the glass of iced tea to his lips for a drink then ran the cool glass over his forehead.  It was the middle of August and he was hot.  He could just go inside to cool off, but HE was in there.  And Nick wanted to stay as far away from what was going on inside as he could.

 

“I’ve got a few more boxes down in the studio and the rest are upstairs in the spare bedroom.”  Justin told Lance and Chris as they appeared inside the front door.

 

Lance shook his head and started down the stairs to the studio, but Chris stayed behind.  “You alright, man?”  Chris asked as Justin turned his back to sift through the pictures he had laid out on the dining room table.

 

Justin stilled, and then shrugged his shoulders.  “Yeah.  I mean…. it’s hard, you know, but it’s um…it’s for the best.”

 

Chris put his hand on Justin’s shoulder and lightly squeezed to show his support.  “Okay.  You would know better than I do.”  Chris turned and headed down the stairs to help Lance.

 

Justin lifted his gaze from the table and looked at Nick’s form on the patio.  His heart ached to go to him and hold him and tell him that everything was going to work out and that he didn’t want to go anywhere.  That his place was with him.  That he loved him more than anyone he’s ever loved in his life.

 

But instead the other side of him couldn’t take the pain and frustration of staying with him for one more day.  He’d already put it off longer than he should have.  Justin sank into a chair and buried his head in his hands.  Memories of the last few weeks flooding his mind and crippling his emotions.

 

He remembered Nick being so excited about his single hitting the airwaves.  He was gitty and nervous about it and every time someone tried to interview him and discuss it, he giggled through the whole thing.  Justin had sat with him during a few of the phone interviews and couldn’t help but smile and fall in love with Nick even more.  It was almost as if Nick were embarrassed that he was putting out a single, let alone a whole album. 

 

He also remembered the look on Nick’s face when he got the call that Justin’s single had already been leaked to the stations by Jive ahead of schedule.  His eyes immediately sought Justin out and Justin could see the frustration building as he listened to whoever was on the other end of the line.

 

When Nick had gotten off the phone, he had looked sad and beaten.  Nick had went straight out the back door, stripped down naked and dove into the pool.  Justin had learned that when Nick got that way to just leave him alone and once Nick cooled off, he’d be back to talk about it. 

 

Justin was on their bed reading through a contract when Nick appeared in the doorway.  Justin could tell by the look in Nick’s eyes that he was anything but calm.

 

They fought.  It was the worst fight Justin had ever had with anyone, much less with the man he was in love with.  They argued over things neither one of them had any control over.  Nick accused Justin of trying to undermine his single’s release by allowing Jive to leak it early.  Justin accused Nick of being a whiney no talent fuck head who couldn’t score a number one single without his no talent washed up band of brothers.

 

Nick had stepped back stunned and raised his hand to his face as if he had actually been struck.  Justin had fallen to his knees, wrapped his arms around Nick’s legs and begged Nick for forgiveness. 

 

Nick pulled him up from the floor and they had kissed each other’s hateful words away until all was right with them again.  For the moment.

 

Things increasingly got worse as the week went on.  Nick found out that Justin’s video debut, which wasn’t supposed to come out until after Nick’s, had mysteriously been pushed to premiere a mere week before Nick’s.  They fought again.  This time ending with Justin retreating to the spare bedroom to leave Nick to sleep alone.

 

They fought again when Justin was invited to play the VMA’s.  Nick had not thrown a fit.  He’d just looked at Justin with sad eyes and Justin had started yelling that it wasn’t his fault that MTV was playing favorites with him.  Nick simply ducked his head and went down to the studio and played his guitar.

 

Justin had a feeling of impending doom when Nick woke him up the next morning.  Nick was lying beside him on the guest room bed and stroking his short curls with tears silently slipping down his cheeks.

 

“Justin, I love you.” Nick’s breath caught in his throat when he tried to exhale.  “But, I can’t…..I just, I can’t take this anymore.”

 

Justin reached up and ran the pad of his thumb under Nick’s eye to capture a spilled tear.  “Oh, Nick,” Justin said as he brought Nick into his embrace.  “I love you too and I don’t want to lose you.”

 

Nick slowly lifted his head to meet Justin’s eyes.  He searched through them until Justin was sure that Nick could see his soul.  Obviously satisfied with what he found there, he dipped down and brought his lips to Justin’s and kissed him tenderly.

 

That was the last time they had made love.  That was the last time that any kind of kindness or compassion or love was shown between the two of them. 

 

Justin decided that when he found out that Jive planned on releasing his album a week after Nick’s, he would have to be the one to end it.  He couldn’t stand to see the hurt and disappointment in Nick’s eyes.  He knew that deep down Nick didn’t really believe that Justin was behind it, but he thought that by ending it with Nick before it got worse, would somehow make it better.

 

Justin started and sat up in the chair as Chris yelled from the door that they had all of his stuff and they’d see him later at Lance’s house. 

 

Justin looked down and smiled at the picture that lie on top of the stack that he had just pulled from the open box.  It was him, acting a fool in the bathtub of one of those nameless hotels in Germany.  He’d gotten into the tub as a joke and had started singing using the showerhead as his “microphone”, but Joey had come in with a camera and now it was forever emblazoned on film.

 

Nick had always smiled when he’d looked at the picture.  Said he remembered those days too well and that Justin had never really changed.  He’d said Justin was still just as spontaneous and loving as he’d been back then. 

 

Justin was still smiling and holding the picture when Nick’s voice came to him from the doorway of the patio.

 

“Would you mind if I had that picture?”  He asked as Justin turned to look at him. 

 

Justin gave him a small smile.  “Of course not, I was thinking about leaving it anyway.  For you.  I mean, because you liked it so well.”

 

“Thanks.”  Nick played with the hem of his shirt as Justin gathered the pictures he was taking with him and made his way to the door. 

 

Justin turned to Nick just as Nick looked up at Justin standing at the front door.  Both men had tears in their eyes and they both could tell that the other was fighting the sobs that would soon rack their bodies.

 

“You know, Justin, you always told me you’d never leave me.  You always said that if you ever did it would be a cold day in July……”  Nick caught the sob that threatened to leave his body.

 

“Nick,” Justin whispered as tears spilled over his lashes and down his face.  “I’ll always love you, Nick.”

 

“I’ll always love you, too, Justin.  Goodbye.”

 

Justin pulled the door closed behind him silently demanded that his body cooperate with him and lead him away from this house, this love, Nick.

 

Nick reached for his phone and dialed the only number that came to his mind. 

 

“Please, please,” he sobbed.  “Please come.  I need you…..  And AJ, bundle up, man, it must be freezing out there.”

 

The End

 

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