Here And Now

By:  Gretchen

 

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Here and now is the way I live

Unafraid of what life gives

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Oh, he was afraid.  

Afraid of what he was thinking, of what he was feeling, and what he had to do. He had a choice to make, and it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest choices he would ever have to make. 

“He loves me,” he thought, pacing in his suite. “How can he love me?” He stopped pacing and sat on the edge of the couch, running his hands up and down his thighs. “Why would he tell me this? Why now? When there’s so much going on, the second leg of the tour, the interviews, the practices…couldn’t he have picked a better time? A time when things weren’t so hectic? 

 

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And there have been times in my life

I couldn’t see a difference

In pain or in joy

In sun or in rain,

They just seem the same

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And when would have been a good time? When was it a good time to tell one of your best friends you’re in love with them? When is it a good time to tell someone that they fell for you, and every day they just fall harder and harder? 

During the lawsuit? No, that wouldn’t have been a good time. Although that’s when he said it happened.  

“You were so strong, during that whole period,” he had said. “I looked up to you, you seemed to know the ins and outs of the contract. No one else did, none of us did. You cared so much about our careers,” he shook his head and there was passion in his azure eyes as he spoke, “no one ever cared that much about me. And I know you had your reasons too, I know you hate to be taken advantage of, but somehow…I don’t know…somehow, I felt you weren’t doing this first and foremost for yourself. You always put us ahead of yourself, and I know it sounds crazy, I know it sounds fucked up, but I felt as if you were doing this for me.” His words tumbled out over each other, and he was unable to stop the emotion from coming through in his voice. He looked down at the carpet, and then back up, meeting his gaze, his voice growing softer. “I know you may not love me like I love you, and I have to accept that. But I also know you’re confused. You may not say it, but I can see it in your eyes. I can see it when I’m with someone, you watch us, in that subtle way of yours, you observe, and there’s something there, something right beneath the surface. I know you that well, James. I know you’re wondering what it’s like. And even though you may never act on anything, even though you may never love me like I love you, if I didn’t tell you how I felt,” tears shimmered behind his eyes, “I would never forgive myself for not taking the chance.” He met Lance’s gaze, “I want you to look in your heart, Lance, see if you could open it and give me a chance. I’m standing here, pouring out my soul to you. Now its your turn.” 

And then he left. He had walked out the door without a backwards glance. 

That was just a few hours ago. 

And since then, Lance was sure he had worn a hole in his carpet. 

 

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But I’m only human, branded by ambitions

But I’m going to make it

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Lance let his head drop to his hands, and he rubbed his temples as he thoughts moved on. 

Their careers. How would this affect his career? No, their career. 

“Who cares about that?” the ever present voice in his head said, “You’d have each other.” 

Lance stood and once again began pacing. Each other. Was that what he wanted? Could he admit to himself what JC already told him? Could he actually admit that he was at least curious about what went on behind JC’s closed doors? 

Once again the voice in his head spoke. But it was a different voice, the voice that wasn’t him, the voice that sounded suspiciously like his parents. “It’s wrong. You are not to have feelings towards another man. It goes against everything the Bible says. What would people think?” 

 

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Here and now is the way I live

With an open heart and mind

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Well, who cares what people thought? If they were too closed minded to see love when it happened, weren’t they the ones who had their eyes closed? Weren’t they the ones who were missing out on something really spectacular? 

But who cares about that? 

Shouldn’t he be worried about what he thought, what he felt? Looking out for number one, isn’t that what they always say? Take care of yourself, do what makes you happy. 

Could he be happy with another man? Could JC be the one who makes him happy? Could he fill this void that seemed to be in his heart? JC opened his heart and his soul to Lance hours earlier when he told him what he was feeling. Could he do the same for JC? 

The voice: “What about the Bible?” 

Lance sank to the floor and pulled his knees to his chest. The Bible. The one constant throughout his whole life. The one thing he could always turn to. Was he going to rot in hell for all eternity if he admitted his feelings towards JC? Would he be eternally dammed if he didn’t spend the rest of his life with a woman, but with a man? A strong, sexy, talented, funny… 

Lance shook his head and stopped his thoughts. Stick to the topic here. 

His life would be different, that much was certain. 

 

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So many intentions in this life I could have followed

But one of those paths must lead towards your heart

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No children. 

That was a major issue in Lance’s mind. He had always wanted kids of his own. His mother and father always wanted grandchildren. 

There was always adoption, he knew that. But as wonderful as it would be to open his home and his heart to a less fortunate child, it wasn’t the same. The child wouldn’t be his own flesh and blood. He would never know if he would pass on to his child his unbelievable green eyes, or his talent, or his personality. He would never know what it was like to watch a child being born and look into the eyes of his wife as it happened, and to hold the screaming infant seconds after it came into this world. 

He would never have that. 

On the other hand, he would have the knowledge that the child he brought into his home would be allowed to have opportunities that would otherwise have been pushed to the side. He had the means to provide for an unfortunate child whose mother couldn’t keep him for one reason or another. And he and JC would be great parents, great fathers who would sacrifice anything for a child. 

Lance smiled to himself. He was really getting ahead of himself here. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to admit to himself that he had feelings for JC, and he already had their 2.5 kids. 

 

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Here and now is the way I live

Unafraid of what life gives

Respect things I don’t understand

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And where had these feelings for JC come from? How had they come about? Lance had never before been attracted to a guy, he knew that for certain. 

Maybe it’s not attraction, he reasoned, maybe it’s just morbid fascination. I watch him with his friends and wonder what it’s like to kiss a man. How is it different than kissing a woman? And why would another man want to kiss a guy? 

Because of his perfect lips, that’s why. 

Woah, where had that thought come from? 

Lance stood from the floor and crossed the room to the mini bar. Taking out a small bottle of rum, he poured it into a glass and dumped some Coke over it. Swishing it around, he took a sip. As the liquid passed down his throat, he thought about JC. 

JC had always been honest with the guys. As soon as he realized he was gay, he told them. Honesty, that was their policy. 

That’s when it began, Lance realized. When JC came out to them. He looked at JC in a new light. He admired him for being strong, for hiding his true self, sacrificing such a big part of himself to not hinder or dampen the careers of the others. 

Lance realized those were some of the same reasons JC gave for falling in love with him. 

So who was he to question why? Who was he to doubt his feelings towards JC? Shouldn’t he recognize and respect what his heart was screaming for him to realize? 

With another long swallow of his drink, Lance turned towards the door. 

 

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So many intentions in this life I could have followed

But one of those paths must lead to your heart

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So, pausing momentarily at his mirror to look at his hair, and adjust the collar of his shirt, he moved towards his door. Stepping out into the hallway, he took a deep breath. 

And he took the path he somehow knew he always wanted. 

Raising his hand, he knocked on the door across the hall. 

It opened almost immediately, as if JC was waiting for him. 

And he was. 

Green eyes raised to meet blue eyes.  

And one of them smiled. 

And one of them felt tears behind his eyes. 

Almost on its own, a hand reached out and touched the face of the man crying. 

And as Lance watched his hand stroke JC’s cheek, he knew this was where he was meant to be. 

Here, now and forever. 

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Here and now

(Here and now)

Here and now

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The End

 

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